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Saturday, July 28, 2012

"Fantasy Football 2012"

“Hey Informer its less than six weeks away from opening kick off….Where is the fantasy football preview blog?…I hear you’re the best fantasy player off all-time…”

I guess the Informer’s fake readers are feeling the summer heat because I think they just gave out a compliment…

All be it a true compliment but still it’s a far cry from the usual “You Suck Informer..”

But then again…

“O nevermind I forgot Randy Moss is coming back so your damn blog would be one long you should draft Randy Moss first overall blog…You Suck Informer….”

That’s more like it..

And since the cat is out of the bag and we already know who the Informer is ranking #1 maybe we should just do a complete team by team rundown….

Now the Informer has no idea about sleepers and bust and sh*t cause lets face it he is not that good of a journalist…

But he does know who he will draft and the fact that he has won every fantasy football league he has ever been in makes him an expert….

Informer Note--The Informer isn’t exactly sure his exact record but honestly when is the last time the Informer actually lost a league…Can anyone tell me…..That’s what the Informer thought…

Need more proof…

One year the Informer drafted a team that included rookie of the year Adrian Peterson (1800 yards), MVP Tom Brady (50td) WR Randy Moss (23 TD’s) and for good measure he had the “Original Predator”…..

That was the year the Informer drafted Brady to high…

Paid to much for Moss and got laughed at when he said Peterson would be better then a 5th round pick….

“Dear God Informer its only been seven sentences with the three dots behind them and your already talking about Moss…Grow UP…”

Sorry fake reader….

What the Informer is trying to say is that he watches lots of football…

So he is pretty confident that he knows when a guy can play and when a guy just doesn’t quite have it….

Of course the guys who can play is 100 percent the Informers opinion and is not to be taken as gospel…

Unless of course you want to win…

Ok enough with the resume….

(Speaking of resume feel free to click on the amazon links when your done reading for all of your online shopping needs…Its really only one extra click peeps..And you will help make the Informer feel like a winner..Not a drunken has-been writer..Also it will help keep awesome writers like the Question Contributing)

Before we get into a team by team breakdown let the Informer share some basic strategy….

First off get one of the elite 8 QB’s…

And remember you cant spell elite without ELI…

So make sure to draft Newton, Brees, Brady, Vick, Rivers, Stafford, Eli, Rodgers, Romo and Peyton…

Then def take Tebow as your back-up…Just in case…

“Informer you just rattled off 11 QB’s…Are you drunk”

No the Informer is not drunk…OK maybe a little drunk but aren’t we all…?

Anyways once you get a top 5 QB try and get one of the big 2 TE’s and then fill in WR and RB…

Listen WR is going to be deep…

Runningback will have new guys starting each week that you will be able to pick up…

Like the Informer said last year he had Jammal Charles with the 3rd pick..

The Informer still won his league…

You don’t need the Stud running back anymore in a passing NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE…

Will it hurt?

No…

If you draft Chris Johnson the Informer is not going to be mad at you…

In fact the Informer loves Chris Johnson this year….

But if the Informer had his choice he would rather have Brady Brees or Rogers…

You know one of the top three QB’s….

To keep with strategy does and donts…(Pretty sure the Informer meant Dues..Or is it Do’s..How the hell do you pluralize DO?)

Draft defense and kicker in the last two rounds…There is no reason to draft a defense higher then in the second to last round….

Scouts honor…

Also watch the pre-season and scoop up rookies before other people find out in week one how good they are….

Do you know how many people actually watch the pre-season…

Seven…


That’s right Seven…

It’s a good place for fantasy nuts to get an idea on sleepers because seriously only seven people are watching….

And three of them are John Zelasny’s chins who are forced to watch cause he is a degenerate gambler….

(If you think that is sh*tty advice just know  the Informer watched the NBA pre-season last year which led to him picking up Paul George…That’s right the Indiana Pacer who turned into a semi breakout star…Why did he pick up George you ask? … Because after two preseason games in which George scored 15 points and had 11 rebounds….He showed the flashes….The Informer swooped in….Same will work for the rookies in the NFL…Keep an eye on the preseason stats…For the rookies they will translate….)

Now that you know how to win your league..(Seriously draft one of the top 2 QB’s)…Lets do a team by team breakdown….

Once again the Informer doesn’t have all the rosters and such so he will basically just be giving the big names….

The obvious names..

Some guys he don’t like..

Some guys he will like…

And when your done reading it all of you will be rewarded zero points and hopefully God will have mercy on your souls…

Because this is the most incoherent ramblings the Informer has ever spewed….

And now the Informer is getting blisters…F*ck this blog is getting long….

There is 32 teams in the NFL right?

(Yes the Informer just said there is 32 teams…Just like the lady who called 911 and told the cops and I quote-- “She Say She Are The Manager”)#Grammer Optional

On with the blog…

Ok lets start with Captain Brachs favorite team…

The JACKSONVILLE JAGS…

Who started their run to the 2013 #1 pick by not extending a contract offer to their best player (MJD) and then not signing their #1 pick who also happens to be a “Blachmon” because he likes to booze cruise…

Come on Jags…Grow Up….

Get your two best players into camp…

The last two years your defense has not been the problem…Your defense has been decent..This team could actually win games…If they have some offensive fire power….

AKA MJD AND BLACHMON
“Informer this isn’t about the Jags winning games this is about fantasy football….”

Good point fake reader…

So who else do the Jags have…?

QB--Blaine Gabbert..Aka Sunshine…Why  “SUNSHINE” cause he looks like that guy from the movie…

The Informer has the thirteen dollars in his bank account that says this guy will not be drafted/prob wont be starting after week three….

The Informer also would like to say that if you have to start a Jags QB at all this year then you will not be winning your league…

Remember pick one of the TOP 2 QB’s this year…

That’s how you win the league…

Does the Informer really need to keep saying this over and over?..

You need to listen the first time people….

RB--MJD…Top five pick..But  be advised the MJD is in the process of a contract dispute…For those unfamiliar with how those turn out ask Mr. Chris Johnson….

(Informer Note--Will not be drafting the guy who turned out to be the best player out of the LEINART/BUSH/YOUNG trio….)

WR-- The Informer’s #5 favorite player to replace Randy Moss when Moss retires happens to be a “Blachmon”…

The Informer is not worried about the DUI arrest..

Come on who in this day an age doesn’t have a DUI…

Nor is the Informer worried about the recent trend of Oklahoma State WR getting arrested for DUI/BEATING UP THEIR MOTHERS…..

Read that last sentence again….

With all that said the Informer loves the Blachmon…

And that basically rounds out your Jags for this years Fantasy football draft…

With the exception of their kicker…who actually would be a good last round pick because this offense doesn’t score touchdowns….

(Informer Note---BRACH The Informer is fully prepared to come watch a JAGS playoff game with you this year…The Informer will eat his words when Sunshine turns into a “FOOTBALL PLAYER”)

DOLIPHINS--

Did you know that Reggie Bush had over 1,00 yards last year…

Not only was he durable but the man was down right good….

The Informer loved it…

The Informer loves BUSH….

And this year the Informer also kinda likes Reggie….

Get it?

QB wise if your starting one of the Dolphins abortions of a QB you mine as well just mail the Informer 20 dollars and tell him to buy football cards with it…

It would be a less waste of money….

(Informer Note---Not lying….The Informer waste a lot of money on football cards….Randy Moss rookies..>Lebron Rookies…Durant Rookies…And thanks to Upper Deck about 40 Ryan Tannehill Rookies…Needless to say besides needing card rehab the Informer will be rooting for Tannehill….)

As for the rest of the roster…

Daniel Thomas is a second year running back that could be a sleeper..

Since last year he was not healthy….

The Informer has no insight or facts other then he has two Thomas rookie cards so hopes this year he maybe good….

“Informer are you going to be rating players on their rookie cards or how they perform on the field/”

Honestly fake reader it’s a toss up..

Lets continue on and we will find out…

At WR you can choose Devon Bess…(Could be a Stud in PPR Leauge) Or you can choose Chad OchoJohnson…

The Informer would make a joke about drafting an over the hill WR trying to make a comeback for a team that plays in a city next to the ocean…

But then again isn’t San Francisco the Bay Area?

At Tight End the Informer is pretty sure that Fasano guy is a good pick up if you don’t get one of the studs….

And also the Dolphins defense should again be pretty good…remember last year the Dolphins were actually a solid team after starting 0-5...

INDY COLTS

The Informer is starting to think that Andrew Luck maybe a  sleeper second QB…

He still has Reggie Wayne..>He has the running back Delonte Carter who maybe good….

They also have Donald Brown who maybe an ok back especially in deeper leagues…

What the hell does that even mean..DEEPER LEAGUES..

Sounds like something the Informer used to watch on his “X” Rated channels….

And finally the rookie Tight End Cody Fleener maybe a good TE…

Again whoever the Colts Kicker is maybe a solid pick up….

Would not recommend the defense..

One last thought if Andy Dalton can be a good fantasy QB couldnt LUCK with this rag tag group of cats and Reggie Wayne?

Listen the Informer is not saying draft Luck to high but in the 11th round when everyone is picking a defense draft LUCK…

Stash him on your bench and then wait and see..

Again this is the perfect option if you follow advice number one and Draft Aaron Rodgers or Drew Brees with your first pick….

DA BILLS

THAT HARVARD GUY…

Steve Johnson…

Fred’s Jackson…

CJ Spiller

David Nelson…

Scott Chandler--TE WORTH A LOOK FOLKS,…The Informer had him last year and he was worth about a TD a week until DA Bills fell apart…

The Only real question will be if Freedie’s Jackson can stay healthy…

If he can he is a top ten pick…

The guy was the best if not one of the best RB in the NFL last year…

(Informer note--Pretty sure he should have said one of the best if not the best….Someone give the Informer a ruling on this)

He had a pretty normal injury so it should not linger…

Put in the fact that the Informer loves the Bills this year and you have a guarantee that some of these guys will be pretty good…

FitHarvard..AKA the New Canon should be your back-up QB….

Also Steve Johnson is a bad man…Please Be-leeve That….

JETS---

Lets stick with the AFC East…

Tebow…Sanchez…Rex Ryan’s foot fetish…

This is going to  be a love triangle the likes we have not seen since the days of Dylan, Brandon and Brenda….

“Informer wasn’t Brenda Brandon’s Sister…?

Didn’t you mean Dylan Brandon and Kelly…

Or Dylan Kelly and Brandon?…

Seriously what the hell is wrong with you…Did you even watch 90210?’

The Informer has no response…

And honestly that’s about how he feels about the Jets…

Maybe draft one of their running backs but not really sure which one is starting…

Maybe that guy who played for Iowa 2-years before they lost to Nebraska last year…

Or was it three years before…

Any rate I guess if you wanted you could draft San Antonio Holmes…

You know because  his name rhymes with a city…

Wait does Ontario rhyme with Antonio?…

The Informer is confused and doesn’t really like anyone on the Jets team…

Well besides the “Virgin” but that goes without saying….

OAKLAND RAIDERS

Draft Darren Mcfadden….Just do it…Early and often…

If you can spend the first and second round picks on this guy then do it…

HE will be a top five pick next year….

You can thank the Informer later…

Also the Informer has no idea what there names are but the WR’s will be pretty good…

Even that Hayward-Bay guy….

However don’t under any circumstances draft Carson Palmer…

Under no scenario should you have Carson Palmer on your team…

Lets say your in a 32 team league…

You should still draft both Jets QB’s before Palmer….

The Informer cant stress this enough….

Please don’t draft Carson Palmer…

Final Raiders thought - -the Informer cant wait to draft that Janakowski guy for the 19th straight year…

He drinks a lot…

KANSAS CITY

Once again The Informer drafted Jammal Charles #3 overall last year….

Once again The Informer won his league last year….

Jammal Charles didn’t play after the first half of game one last year…..

That will be the Informers reasoning when he takes Randy Moss #1 overall this year…Makes sense right…

Anyways, back to the Chiefs…

Matt Cassel better not be your starting QB….Or your backup QB…Maybe your third stringer…Lets move on…

Don’t draft Charles…

Its going to be the same thing the Informer says about Mr. Peterson…

You don’t come back from a knee injury after one year and be a good running back…

See Terrell Davis…..

Hey “Somewhere Over The Dwaynebowe”…

That will be the Informers team name for the 4th straight year..

And for the fourth straight year Dr. Tom Mitch will get mad and say its not funny….

Other then that the Chiefs will be a good waiver wire pick up team…When you need a guy they will have starters available….Starters means minutes…Which means touches…Which usually produces fantasy football points…

DENVER BRONCOS

At this point you have probably figured out the Informer has no idea the order of why he is picking these teams….

The Informers  will let you into his mind on his selection for which team to write about next…

“Peyton Manning Jumped in his thoughts and thus now we are talking about the Broncos…”

Listen that run game from last year is not going to return…

Sorry “WATCH YOU TALKIN BOUT WILLIS” your not going to have the same running game you had last year…

Because the coaches got what they wanted and now have Peyton Manning…

Who is going in the 4th-5th round….

You want the Informers advice…

Draft Michael Vick in the 3rd round then two rounds later pick Manning…

Your team is full of reward….

And that’s before we start talking bout your first two picks…AKA stud WR Stud RB…

That’s a recepie to win….

Unless of course you remember that the Denver Coaches sold their souls to the Devil and sold the “TEBOW ONE” for 30 pieces of silver…

AKA would you really want to bet on the 30 pieces of silver….(Manning)…

You don’t just dump “TIMMOTHY TEBOW”…

And that is why the Informer will be staying away from all things Broncos….

No the Informer doesn’t care about Demytrius Thomas being a man amongst boys getting the ball thrown to him from the Best Fantasy QB of the last decade….

You don’t mess with TEBOW….

That’s not smart poker….

Informer’s Thoughts---DON’T DRAFT BRONCOS…

“Informer  yout the guy who once lost 1400 dollars in poker….Since when do you play smart poker”

That’s a good point…The Informer cant wait to draft Thomas…

CHARGERS

Phillip Rivers--He is one of the Top six…Again if your in a 12 team league (Which the Informers league will be) you need to have one of the top 8 in order to win…

That means you would have a chance to win said league if you draft Rivers….

RB--They have that Matthews guy..

Who was actually pretty good last year…

He would not be a bad #1 running back…

Of course the Informer drafted him last year and then was able to turn him into Larry Fitzgerald…

Which is reason #2 why you should draft numerous running backs in middle rounds…

One of them may turn in Matthews and the other may turn into Marshawn Lynch…

Both guys drafted by the Informer last year…
Lynch turned into best fantasy RB the last 8 weeks of 2011 and Matthews turned into the second best WR in the NFL….

Sorry back to the Chargers…

Not sure who their WR’s are but pretty sure ESPN will have them ranked…

And they will all be worth having on your team..

Well at least the first two guys…

Since we know Rivers will be a stud one of their Receivers has to catch the ball right…?

Maybe draft Vincent Jackson he used to be good….

“Informer Vincent Jackson plays for the Bucs….”

Ummmmmm….Did the Informer mention Antonio Gates…

Tampa Bay Bucs

QB--SLEEPER ALERT---Josh Freeman..You can thank me later…

RB--Stay away from Legarret Blout…The Informer read he has fallen out of good graces of that new head coach from Rutgers who used to Coach Ray Rice…

So the Informer believes the Internet when the internet says that a rookie maybe their starter…

Honestly figure out that rookies name and take a flyer…

While staying away from the “WEED”…

WR-- Vincent Jackson…

TE-- Dallas Clark is on their team…That cant be a bad thing…

St. Louis Rams--

Steven Jackson…Sam Bradford…

AKA SAM JACKSON BEER IT WILL GET YOU DRUNK….(Yes that is the second Chapelle Show reference in this blog…If you can name the first the Informer will give you a cookie…PLEASE BE LEAD DAT)

Those are the only two players you will need on draft day…

Then use the Rams like you use the Chiefs…Pick up their starters later on in the year when you need fillers…

Atlanta Falcons--

The Informer cant stress this enough….JULIO JONES..RODDY WHITE….

JULIO JONES RODDY WHITE…

Might not be a bad idea to draft Matt Ryan…“NAME IS RYAN NOT RYAN”

Michael Turner is really old..And kinda fatt…Draft at your own risk….

Is Tony Gonzales still playing football?

Listen Falcons offense is about two WR’s…Get one of them…Especially the one named JONES….

Panthers--

The Informers second favorite team behind the 49ers…

They have Cam Newton…

Steve Smith is going in the 4th round of many drafts…

They have three rb’s that will average about 8 points a week…

The Informer’s opinion do not draft Cam Newton…It would be a mistake…He is getting way to much credit and wasn’t even really that good last year…

(Informer Note--Did It work? The Informer is 100 percent positive he will be drafting Newton this year)

Baltimore Ravens--

RB--Ray Rice…He got paid..He will have a full camp…Baxa wants him because Baxa loves Ray Lewis…For those in the Auction draft use this against him…

QB--Joe Flaco I guess is a top QB now…Im not sure how to spell his name or even if this is a remotely true statement but the Informer guran damn tees he will never draft Joe Flacco…Not even with Baxa’s penis…

WR--Torre Smith and Anquan Boldin will be solid….

TE--Is it still Todd Heap?..Do the Ravens even have a TE?…Maybe just draft a TE from another team…

Cleveland Browns--

Trent Richardson….

Lets move on…

Houston Texans--

Matt Schaub pretty much averages 4500 yards passing when he has a healthy Johnson….

Andre’s that is….

And that’s before we get to Arian Foster…

The #1 RB besides Ray Rice and that McCoy guy from the Eagles…

The Texans ran the ball 52 percent of their plays last year….

52 percent..That is higher then Jay-Z’s grade point average….That’s a failing out of college joke…Not a joke about the rapper…You know the Jay-Z from Treynor….

Anyways, which means shut the f*ck up and let the Informer finish his story….

It maybe a good idea to draft Foster..And Brandon Tate…

STEELERS

Big Ben “ROETHLISFISHSANDWHICHBURGER”…He is not in the top 8 right?

Or was he?

The Informer doesn’t remember…Lets pretend he was…

RB--The Steelers really suck at running the ball lately…And the Informer drafted that Mendenhall guy last year and he blew cock….

WR--60 minutes own MIKE WALLACE and Antonio Brown….Consider them the Stalworth and Swan of fantasy…

They are good….

“Informer who is Stalworth and Swan?”

Dear god what is wrong with the fantasy players/readers of the Informer’s blog of America….

Patriots--

QB--Ryan Mallet….HAHA…Seriously he is on their team…They drated him last year…

WR--Brandon lyod and Wes Welker need to be drafted…

TE--GRANDOWNSKI and Hernandez are must drafts…

Is the Informer forgetting anyone…?

Don’t need to draft any of the Patriots RB…They don’t score fantasy points…

That should cover it…

WOODHEAD….LOL the Informer made a sex joke…

Seriously it feels like the Informer is forgetting someone….?

TITANS--

The Informer mentioned it above but he loves Chris Johnson…

The Informer is slightly ok with Kenny Britt even though I think he maybe holding out or injured..Its one of the two…

The Informer wouldn’t even PONDER drafting Christian Ponder…

That’s about it for the Titans correct?

BENGALS--

The Sickness…AJ GREEN…He is so good…

The Red-head-step-child…AKA Dalton….The Informer is still not buying that Dalton is a fantasy stud…

The Informer is not sure who the Bengals running back is going to be but the Bengals like to run so it maybe wise to draft whomever ESPN has as a top rated RB….

Also the Bengals have a TE that maybe a stud….Pretty sure he is going late in drafts…Don’t know for sure because well the Informer cant remember the dudes name…He is from OKLAHOMA….

DA COWBOYS

Romo is a top 9 right…?

Demarco Murray needs to be on your team…

Miles Austin can play football in the National Football League…

Dez Bryant dropped out of the Informer’s top five since he beat up his own mother…But still he can play football…

TE--WITTEN…What is his first name…He is getting drafted in the 8th round of standard ten team leagues…That’s a f*cking steal….

Eagles---Draft  MCCOY…VICK..JACKSON AND MACLIN….

The Eagles will be good this year…NO SHIT….

Vikings--

Is Christian Ponder on the Vikings?

Didn’t the Informer say that Ponder was on the Titans about six paragraphs ago?…

Who the Hell was that rookie QB on the Titans last year…

The Informer maybe a touch drunk….

Be careful drafting A.P. This year…he blew his knee out in week 17 last year  for those that don’t remember…

Percy Harvin is a good name and a sh*tty fantasy player…

And if Ponder plays for the Vikings he maybe worth a back up qb…

If he plays for the Titans the Informer is really confused…

Lets move on to the Seahawks…

And we are done with the Seahawks…

No just kidding…You can draft Marshawn Lynch who is about to be suspended because he got another DUI…

Yes the same guy who once got suspended for running a person over while being drunk….

So don’t be a Lynch…

Learn your lesson..

Don’t draft a Seahawk…

Da REDSKINS--

The Informer will probably draft RG3 cause he is a sick you know what….

He will not be drafting any of the other guys….Not even HELU MEANS GOODBYE….

The Redskins use 91 running backs a week and have no good WR…

Stay away from the skins…YO…

“The Informer is using “YO” just like that kid on the TV show” Breaking Bad”…

The Informer will now recommend “Breaking Bad and Blue Mountain State”..The two best shows on Netlix…

Back to football…

The Saints--

Do you realize Drew Brees has had two straight seasons where he surpassed 5,000 yards passing…

Do you realize Brees set a single season Nfl record last year..

A record that stood for 27 years….

Do you realize Brees did not win the MVP award last year….

Brees will win the MVP this year…

Which means he will be a fantasy stud..

Which means good things for any WR on the Saints team…

Not to mention drafting Jimmy Ghramn…how do you spell his name..

You know the guy they call “Avatar”?

The Informer also like Mark Ingram this year…Don’t ask why…

“Informer does it have anything to do with you owning 14 Ingram rookie cards?”

The Informer said not to ask….

Assuming you are still reading be cautious of one thing when it comes time to draft Saints players this year….You know that little fact about not having a Head Coach…For some teams could be a problem…The Informer is not a doctor of sigh college “e” but this may have an impact on the Saints this year….

With that said f*cking Draft Drew Brees….

ARIZONA CARDINALS

Can you draft Patrick Patterson…

He is f*cking awesome…

Also they still have the Original “Predator”…

You know the scary one that starred along side Arnold and Chubbs…AKA LARRY FITZGERALD..

The Informer highly recommends you drafting both Larry and Calvin’s Johnson in the first two rounds…

That’s how the Informer won last year…That and Matthew Stafford and Marshawn Lynch…

Man the Informer is awesome and Fantasy football…

DETROIT LIONS--

STAFFORD…JOHNSON…Those are the only two names you need to have from the Lions…

Maybe their #2 WR and the TE and possibly the starting RB…But that’s it…

Packers--

Draft everyone one of them…If your team is filled with 20 packers you will probably win the league…

The Informer is not joking…

NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS

If the Informer has said it once he has said it 64 times….

You cant spell ELITE without ELI….

And you cant spell Hakeem without Hakeem Knicks…Is that how you spell his last name…

The Informer is on full Cruz control right now…

Get it Victor Cruz….

There maybe a RB or two on the Giants worth picking up….

And remember Eli threw for over 4700 yards passing last year…

That’s a f*cking lot….
CHICAGO BEARS

The Informer really loves Cutler…Forte…Brandon Marshall…Bears Defense….Their Kicker…And whom ever else you would like to name…

The Informer likes the Bears this year….

Fantasy and gambling wise

FINALLY….

49ERS…..

GUESS WHO’S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!