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Friday, April 12, 2013

"Rambling Through The Week"

(Informer Note - This blog was written before the Informer found out that Kobe Bryant is most likely out of the season. It is to late in the evening to even try and write another blog. The Informer is sick to his stomach. The Mamba deserved better then this. Now if you will excuse me the Informer is going to finish watching Jason vs Freddy on Starz because that is the only thing in the world that makes sense right now. F*CK)

Tonight’s Ramblings Blog is being sponsored by the 11 day anniversary of the greatest walk in the history of baseball. Hell it was the greatest walk in the history of the world. So thank you future rookie of the year and man who changed America's game in one at bat, Mr. Jackie Bradley Jr.

Before we get to far into the ramblings, the Informer has to give a special shout-out to Kobe "Bean Mamba Vino" Bryant.

The man with many nicknames needs to add another one, 48. Because the past month he has been playing some of the most inspired basketball the Informer has ever seen him play and doing it while playing nearly every minute of every game. He does not rest anymore. Listen the Informer knows the Lakers are not going places this year, but watching Kobe the last month has been a privilege.

The Black Mamba aka “48” is a scoring machine who makes all of the right plays and is willing his sh*tty team to victories. The other night he put up a 47 point 6 rebound 5 assist 4 block and 3 steal game in a must win against the Portland Trailblazers.

It was unreal.

If Lebron hadn't turned into a basketball "CYBORG" this year the Informer would be arguing that Kobe should be the MVP. Instead the Informer will settle for first team all-NBA while Kobe and the Lakers get a first round rematch against the scoring machine DURANT DURANT and his sidekick Russell "I am a better version of Scottie “No Tippin” Pippen" Westbrook.

Informer side note - I have been doing a new work out called "Body By Informer" that is guaranteed to keep your man titties jiggling. What you do is walk on the treadmill during the first half of every Lakers game (If Kobe can play 48 minutes the Informer can walk for two miles). Once halftime hits the Informer immediately stops the treadmill and drinks 8 tall boy Natties while polishing off chicken nuggets with gravy.

After 7 days of following this rigorous exercise regimen the Informer is proud to announce his man tits are as soft as ever and his pants still don't fit. I really do think this will be the next big exercise craze. "Body by Jake" and "Insanity Man" you have been warned.

Did everyone see Carmelo Anthony score 36 points on 34 shots while gunning for the scoring title the other night?

Just saying, to everyone who used to call Kobe out for shooting to much and are now admiring that Melo is on a scoring binge, please pull your heads out of your hypocritical asses.

"But Melo is averaging 35 points a game over the last 7 games Informer, he is the best scorer ever."

Your right fake reader, because Kobe never had a stretch of games like that. O wait that’s right, Kobe once averaged 35 points a game for an entire season. In the words of Gus and Shawn from the greatest show on TV. . . SUCK IT!!!

Speaking of which, did you all watch Psych this past week?

Without spoiling to much let the Informer tell you EXACTLY what happened. . .#Spoiler Alert
Which one is from The Cosby show?

Juliet, the blonde vixen of the show (What the Hell does vixen mean?) who also happens to be Shawn’s love interest found out about Shawn's little secret. You see Shawn is the main Character who helps solve crimes by pretending to be Psychic with his partner Burton Guster who is played by that one little kid from the Cosby show.

So on Wednesday’s episode Juliet caught Shawn and forced him to come clean and admit that he is not actually a Psychic, just a really good detective. After seven years the truth was finally revealed.

This led to Juliet doing the "You Bastard" routine and throwing water in our hero's face. The Informer watched this episode and was stunned. The Informer is not exaggerating when he says he sat in the darkness for five minutes pondering what took place.

For the love of television show writing, it is only midway through the season and they just gave us a "Season Ending" cliff hanger. The Informer was flabbergasted to say the least. #Flabbergasted ain’t even a word

Now before you bring up the whole "Why would she be upset he has been helping save lives and put bad guys in jail" thing, you must remember that Juliet’s dad (played by "Denny Crane") is a con-man who has never told her the truth.

First her dad, now her EX-boyfriend. The Informer hasn’t seen this much relationship drama since the days of Bo, Hope and Billie on Days of our Lives. Please don‘t ask why the Informer knows about love triangles on Days of Our Lives.

Listen if you haven’t watched Psych do yourself a favor and buy Netflix ($8 a month) take the week off of work and watch the first 100 episodes straight through without stopping. Then get on the internet and download the first four episodes of season 7 and get completely caught up.

If you start right after you finish reading this blog then by Wednesday night at nine o’clock you will be fully caught up. Trust the Informer, you will not be upset.

Finale Psych Note - Did you know people in Canada don't have the USA network? Which means they have never heard of the greatest show on television? The Informer couldn’t believe this when one of his fellow writers at www.alphaentertainmentonline.com mentioned this. The Informer just added a new life goal, Bring Psych to the people of Canada. #Informer Teresa or is it Mother Informer? Double Hash Tag - Saintly Duties.

Back to the NBA scoring race for a second. . .

It looks like Melo is going to win this years scoring title because Kevin Durant has been actively trying not to score points. While Melo is getting 36 points on 34 shots, Durant Durant keeps settling for his 30 points on 17 shots.

Just like last year when Kobe sat out the last game of the season instead of trying to win the award, Durant Durant seems to have conceded the scoring title.

This is probably due to the age old thinking that scoring champs don’t win NBA titles. And going for selfish personal goals doesn't help the team win.

The Informer is calling bullshit.

You have a chance to win a scoring title while playing on the best team in the NBA and your worried about upsetting your teammates? You just played perfect team ball for 78 our of 82 games and now your f*cking worried about being selfish because you have a chance to make NBA history.  This pisses the Informer off.

How about for once the other guys try and be good teammates. Why can’t they come out and say "Kevin is the ultimate team player, but we sure would like for him to get this award. . . So we are going to do our best to get him the shots he needs?"

Why can't this happen?

The entire year Durant has been playing unselfish team basketball. Low and behold while playing this way he somehow (He is a scoring machine) has a chance to join Michael Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain as the only players to ever win 4 straight scoring titles. The problem is he is not even trying for it because that would make him a bad teammate?.

How does this make sense?

If I was Westbrook or any other member of the Thunder, besides having a secret man cave in his mansion because he is rich,  the Informer would be doing his damndest to help my super star teammate achieve NBA History.

And you know what? No one is going to remember the year Durant didn’t try for the title, but they sure as hell would remember Durant winning his fourth straight.

As for the being selfish and hurting the team, ask Kobe that about last year. Did conceding the scoring title help make Andrew Bynum less of a bum? Is Durant passing up jump shots going to make Kendrick Perkins not the worst basketball player in the history of the NBA? The Answer is No for those scoring at home.

The point is this. . . YOU GO FOR HISTORY WHEN YOU HAVE THE CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is a good rule to live by in NBA life, if you have a chance to do something only Jordan and Wilt were able to do, then you f*cking try and do it. Especially when you are trying to set your legacy during the era of Lebron.

Then again, the Thunder want the ultimate team award not the ultimate individual award. I guess time will tell if it was the right move, but right now the Informer hates it. 

Final NBA thought - The Spurs are actively trying to duck the Lakers. The Informer is not making this up, but since the Lake-Show are not even guaranteed a playoff spot yet we are not going to talk about this. #CANT JINX THE MAMBA

I will say it was pretty interesting that the Spurs sat the big three the other night, even though they are in a dog fight for the #1 seed. (Like the Informer said, the Spurs want the #2 seed so they would miss the Lakers.)

Informer Confession - In my heart the Informer believes the Lakers could beat the Spurs. There is no way on Tebow’s green earth that the Lakers can beat the Thunder. These are the facts.

Honestly, it wouldn’t be an Informer ramblings without a little wrestling talk. Mainly the Informer would like the fake readers to remind him to skip the 75 dollar pay-per view next year and just watch Monday Night Raw the night after.

Between the great crowd, the replay of every Mania match, and Ziggler cashing in and winning the World Heavyweight Title, the free show on Monday was ten times more entertaining then the "Can't Pay My Rent Now" Pay Per View on Sunday.

"Informer stop f*cking talking about Wrastling. No one read your 5,000 word review of Wrestle Mania and no one wants to read your thoughts on Monday Night Raw. Your 28 gosh damn years old, grow the F up and write about something that is not men in underwear fake wrestling each other"

WOW. . . Well in that case. .

Is the Informer the only person who can't get enough of "The Voice" on NBC?

This is with out a doubt the best reality singing show ever made.

For those that have never seen the show, contestants audition to be in a singing contest but in order to make the show one of the four judges has to pick you for their team.
"Hips Don't Lie"

This year the judges are Blake Shelton (Coolest guy in the world and alleged adulterer) Usher, some guy named Levine and the saucy lady who gave us the greatest song in the history of music. . . Shakira. . .
Shakira. . . Shakira.

"EWWWWWWWW BABY WHEN YOU TALK LIKE THAT. . . YOU MAKE A WOMAN GO MAD. . . I'M ON TONIGHT AND MY HIPS DON'T LIE. . . SO BE ONE IN THE ARMS OF MY BODY"

Have fun getting that song out of your head the rest of the night. #Totally butchered the words but you get the idea.

Anyways, there is a catch to the challenge, the judges can't see what the contestants look like because they sit in a chair with their backs to the stage. So the only way they can choose their contestants is by hearing the voice and then hitting their buttons to make their chairs turn around.

The best part of the show is every time Shelton hits his button and turns around to find a pretty little 19-year old blonde he makes the same "YES I am allegedly going to cheat on Miranda tonight" face. It really is one of the greatest things on TV today.

The Informer does have one small confession to make though, for the first four seasons he has stopped watching once the auditions are over. Well on Tuesday night the teams were all picked so now the Informer has no idea what happens next.

Is it like American Idol now where the judges just listen to people sing (Yawn)? Do they still have to sit with their backs to the stage? Are they allowed to change clothes now? Do they film Blake's infidelities and then sell them to the highest bidder? The Informer has no idea what to expect. One thing is for sure, he is freaking excited to see more Midus Whale.

Sticking with NBC TV, The Informer has now watched the first two episodes of the new Thursday night drama Hannibal. It is a show based off of the evil cannibal Hannibal Lector from the movies. Truth be told the Informer does not like it. The show is slow and the actors are not that likeable. The Informer is going to give it three more weeks but right now Hannibal is looking like a real Informer #Loser

Informer TV Watching rule - It took four episodes before the Informer decided that Rescue Me was the greatest show on television, so now every series gets five shows to prove its worth watching else the Informer cuts it out of his life.

Enough about the worst rated network on television, lets talk sports. . .

"It sure looks like fall in Washington because Bryce Harper is Raking."

And that my friends was this weeks award for the worst joke the Informer has ever used in a blog. Stay tuned for next week when the Informer uses the "It sure feels like summer because the Miami Heat are swimming in playoff wins."

You don’t have to say it the Informer already know what your thinking #THIS GUY SUCKS.




The Informer's next movie review, coming out mid-next week, will be on “Django Unchained.” It is the Quentin Tarintino story of racist white people treating an African American who has great skill as a gunman poorly. In other words its the story of Randy moss. . .

Get it? That is a The Patriots are "Allegedly Racist Assholes" joke? The Informer is not going to lie, the review for Django is going to be a bigger disaster then the time the Informer tried to switch from Natty to Keystone light.

Informer Note - The Informer is using the word allegedly under the little known rule that you can say whatever you want on the internet as long as you say allegedly. This protects the Informer from being sued for his thousands of dollars worth of debt. #OJ allegedly killed his wife and Ronald Goldman.

The NCAA March Madness tourney ended Monday night with Louisville beating Michigan in a very good basketball game that featured each team using the "White Guy Off The bench shooting threes" offense to perfection. The Informer is not lying, in the first half both teams had a white guy come off the bench and score 17 points out of nowhere.

If it were not for Florida Gulf Coast upset run to the Sweet 16 it would have been the most implausible storyline of the year. But seriously, this years tournament will be remembered for two white guys shooting threes, a bone sticking out of some dudes leg and FGC upsetting their way to the Sweet 16.

Speaking of biggest upsets, the Informer now prefers Law and Order Criminal Intent over SVU.

The Informer swears it has nothing to do with finding out that Stabler was not in fact Casey Jones from The Ninja Turtles. As it turns out they are two different actors who look exactly alike.

Quick question, people still watch the Law and Orders right? That’s still a thing?

"No Informer, because not everyone lives in 2003. For god sakes turn on The Office, Modern Family or Parks and Recreation once in awhile." (Not going to lie but the Informer has no idea what the figment of his imagination is talking about. What in the blue hell is a Parks and Recreation?)

Moving on, The Masters has started and Tiger is once again in contention.

The Informer is going for the 14-year old Asian Boy. #A sentence that may finally lead to the Informer being called the Apex Predator. . .

For real, the kid is 14 and golfing in the same tournament as Tiger Woods. When the Informer was 14 he was still three years away from puberty. Not sure what that has to do with golf, but its valuable information.

I need to give a quick music plug before we wrap this thing up, Please Check out the band Rock Paper Dynamite. They kick ass. You can go to Itunes and buy their music. Its really good. The Informer is not just saying that because his cousin is the drummer.

Finally the Informer will be back early next week with his NBA playoffs preview and then we will be starting the 40 blogs in 40 nights tour.

Last year this is the event that almost killed the Informer and got him divorced, but the fans enjoyed it so we are bringing it back.

Have a great weekend y'all and just in case you haven’t seen the greatest play in the history of baseball. . .





Informer’s Directors Cut - Thoughts that didn’t quite make the ramblings this week. . .

The Informer is man enough to admit that he has seen the Hannah Montana movie…Three times.

Don’t you hate when you have the VCR programmed to record the Lakers game at 09:30PM only to have the power go off and reset the VCR all together? #1980 problems

There are other straight married men out there that would click on a link en-titled “Bret Favre’s Dick Pick” Right? The Informer isn’t the only one curious?

Screw it, lets find out. . . Brett Favre's Dick

Wait for it. . .

Wait for it. . .

Wait for  it. . .

Never gonna give you up. . .Never gonna let you go. .. Never gonna run around. .

Hey you clicked on the link its your own fault you got Rick Rolled.



Monday, April 8, 2013

"Mega Movie Review"

(This blog originally ran on the great website www.alphaentertainmentonline.com Go there to get all of your movie mma and pro wrestling news.)

THE COLLECTION:

Or as normal humans would call it, TORTURE PORN.

The Collection is a movie from the writers of the “Saw” franchise about a cereal killer (Cereal Killer is spelled like the breakfast food right?) who likes to kidnap and kill people in gruesome ways.
Just like the Saw movies, one of the people that was kidnapped (Played By Josh Stewart, I have no idea who he is) managed to escape and now he is being forced to help a group of mercenaries who were hired by Shooter McGavin (Christopher McDonald) to locate his daughter who has been taken from a rave by the sick lunatic known as the collector.

(Informer Note – The guy’s name in the movie is not actually Shooter McGavin, however I can’t call him by any other name — it’s a rule I have  #SHOOTER)

So the mercenaries and Stewart are able to track down where the bad guy is keeping the kidnapped girl and it turns out to be a murder house.

Trust me when I say you don’t want to ever take a tour of this place. The mercenaries are not nearly as scared of the murder house as they should be, naturally they go inside which leads to some people getting killed. Eventually they are able to find their way through the maze, find the girl, and take her to safety.

After that the building burns down and the bad guy escapes only to be found later by Stewart and killed.
At this point if you expecting a Saw like twist you are going to be in for a letdown because the movie just stops. The good guy kills the bad guy and then they end the movie, without mentioning why some masked madman had killed hundreds of people. (Informer Note- The guy’s mask was pretty badass, think Rey Mysterio Jr mixed with Machine from 8mm.)

I know the rule is not to question stupid B List Torture Porn Movies, but I do have one lingering question: How can they not tell us why this guy went crazy and started killing and torturing people?

Did the guy go nuts when they changed the name from Hardees to Carl’s Jr? Does the madman even know what the hell a Hardees is? Was all of this murder in response to TBS canceling Brian Austin Green’s awesome TV show “Wedding Band?” Did the Blimpies Sub Sandwich shop that the guy ate at three times a week close without warning causing him to go off the deep end? Was the masked maniac offended that the Informer called out Hootie and the Blowfish for remaking  “Wagon Wheel?” Maybe our killer ate one to many Doritos Cool Ranch tacos and went Loco? (Get It Doritos Locos Tacos?) Hell was this . . . Wait. . . It feels like we have done this before?

Son of a b*tch, that’s right. . .

We just had this same problem last week with Red Dawn. Which means this is now the second straight gosh darn week I watched a movie that had no freaking reason for happening.

HOW CAN YOU MAKE A MOVIE AND NOT TELL US WHY?

It does not make sense. I watch enough Criminal Minds on the T.V. to know that they could have given some kind of back-story as to why this guy turned into a murderous lunatic.

Seriously Hollywood, stop making movies with no reason for why the story is happening.

Sorry, now that I have made my point, The Collection is not as good as the Saws. But if you need a Torture porn fix, it will do. It does have a great opening scene where the killer uses some kind of flying lawnmower to mass murder hundreds of punk rockers at a rave. Lesson as always — don’t go to Raves if there is a serial killer loose.

Basically, The Collection is worth a viewing if you’re into the torture genre,  just don’t count on a classic twist that you would expect from the guys who gave us Jigsaw.

“Informer that was a really short review, is that all you got? You haven’t written an article in almost two weeks, give us more you a-hole!”

Sheeesh. . .

What got into you figment of my imagination. You don’t have to be so damn hateful. But you are right, I can do better.

With that said, would anyone be interested in a mega-movie review from the Informer? Believe it or not I have watched a couple of other movies this past week and I may have a few thoughts.

For those that already feel dumber for sitting through the first seven hundred words of this article I completely understand if you leave now; the rest of you please sit back and enjoy my attempt at a mega movie review.



THIS IS 40

I stuck with the “Torture Porn” movies by watching Judd Apatow’s view on hell aka marriage.
LOL. . .

That last joke made me laugh. I am just kidding guys, marriage is not hell, it is full of joy and love and dreams. Also, since Chelsea at the Movies has already written a superb review for This Is 40 I am not going to bore you with the details but know that I enjoyed it.

I liked the characters and thought many of the “We Are Married” moments were spot on. Its definitely worth your time to watch.

Informer Note – I must once again reiterate that marriage is not Hell. Sometimes I say things to make people laugh, that doesn’t mean I think they are true. That is a good enough apology for the joke? There is no way I will be in the doghouse. . . Right?


BRAVEHEART

I watched this movie for the first time in over ten years and I got to say, I forgot how much I love Mel Gibson. I especially forgot how good this movie is, even if it was four hours long thanks to commercials.
Also, now that we all know Mel Gibson is a crazy person it is really fun to re-watch his old movies.

I personally kept waiting for the scene where he yells at the queen “And that Green Thing. . . Now that is PROVACATIVE!”

Now if you do not understand the last reference, please finish reading this article and then head over to the you tube and type in “Mel Gibson Rants” there are four separate rants and I highly,  HIGHLY recommend you watch them all.

I am not lying when I say it will be the greatest twenty five minutes of your life. I am only slightly exaggerating. At any rate, when you are done watching the rants, re-watch Braveheart and insert some of his great lines throughout the movie.

It’s really more fun than a grown ass man should be able to have.

ZERO DARK THIRTY

F*CK YOU OSAMA BIN LADEN.

F*ck you and the camel you rode in on.

That was my original review for Zero Dark Thirty, until I realized that you can’t call two sentences a movie review, even if they are the best two sentences ever, so lets try this again. . .

Zero Dark Thirty is a suspenseful thriller that is awesome and “SPOILER ALERT” at the end that piece of garbage Bin Laden gets killed.

Just in case some out there don’t know about this movie, Zero Dark Thirty is based on actual events that led to the finding and eventual killing of Bin Laden.

And according to the movie, we owe it all to the tenacity of a CIA Agent named Mya (Jessica Chastain), who spent her first twelve years with the CIA searching for the worlds #1 terrorist. Through her hard work and perseverance, she eventually finds her man. And then some badass mother “F Word” marines went in and executed orders with Extreme Prejudice.

I loved this movie. It is a must watch, even if just for the part after Bin Laden gets killed and you start a USA chant in the middle of your living room.

Random Informer Question – You guys all start USA chants in the middle of your living rooms right? That’s a normal thing to do and in no way like my wife says a “ridiculous behavior for a grown man?” On second thought don’t answer that.

If you are having to choose just one movie to watch this week, make it Zero Dark Thirty.

Zero Dark Thirty is a little long, but then again so was the hunt for Bin Laden. And at least if you watch this movie you will not be disappointed in the ending because we know WHY it all went down, and that’s because you don’t f*ck with the USA.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

"MLB Opening Day and Some Ramblings"

MLB Opening Day and other Ramblings:

The Informer is not saying that baseball is the most boring thing ever to watch, but his six hour nap while watching opening day from his basement is definitely making a case.

I did however stay awake long enough to realize my choice for NL MVP (Bryce Harper) is going to be a slam dunk winner. After the first game he was on pace to hit something like 500 homers. The Informer isn't 100 percent sure but that would have to be some kind of record.

Okay it has to be said, the Informer has no idea who Drake is, but if Amanda Bynes is tweeting that she wants you to murder her vagina then you must be doing something right. You guys seriously need to be following @amandabynes on twitter, it is legendary

The Yankees are going to be really bad this year. The Informer isn’t even going to make a joke, they just suck.

The Informer does not believe that ESPN has a Boston Bias (Wink Wink), but on Monday you couldn’t turn on the TV without seeing a highlight of the Red Sox Rookie right fielder walking on 7 pitches. Apparently it was the most amazing first MLB at bat of all time. Note to ESPN - It was a f*cking WALK.

The Informer knows  we need to make Boston the greatest thing since sliced ham, but a walk is only a walk. (The video on the right is the greatest walk of all-time, so only watch if your prepared to have your mind blown.)


Informer Secondary thought on the greatest walk ever - Good job keeping steroids out of baseball guys. You really are making the game so much better, we used to get 700ft homers on sports center, now we get walks. Cause nobody liked watching those absurd homers when we can see the o so difficult walk. Thanks baseball for making the game awesome. Now if you will excuse me the Angels game is on and the Informer needs another nap. .

Before we get back to baseball, the Informer needs to mention that he will never again go more then 3 weeks without eating a Blimpies Sandwich. For those that didn't know, the Blimpie’s shop next door to the Informer’s house closed down. It was only three f*cking weeks, how much business was the Informer giving you guys? Wait a minute, don’t answer that.

Back to fake baseball, If you dont think the Informer traded for Yu Darvish on his MLB The Show video game after last nights near perfect game, then you don’t know the Informer at all.

You can go ahead and add Justin Upton to the Informer's team as well, he sure looks good in a Braves uniform #two homers in two games.

It maybe the 14 keystone lights talking but to this day nothing puts a hop in the Informer's step quite like an Adam Sandler movie. The Informer cant be the only one whose sweatpants got a little tighter when they saw the preview for Grown UPs  2?

Since January Taco bell has sold 3 million Doritos Locos Tacos? On a side note the Informer has eaten one million Doritos Locos Tacos since January#FAAAAAAAAAAT (It wasnt really one million but its a lot.)

Snoop Lion and Miley Cyrus have a new song out, somewhere Suge Knight and Tupac are rolling over in their graves. #What happened to gangsta rap? In all seriousness do you guys remember this mother f*kcer?


Along the same lines of WTF, the Houston Astros are now in the American League. The Informer was very confused when he was looking at the bottom of the National League standings, thinking holy sh*t they must have won a game. Turns out they are just in the bottom of a new division now. (The Astros set a record with 42 strike outs in their first three games. . .Thats not good clean baseball.)

Houston going to the American League is good news for the Miami Marlins who went from the second worst to the worst team in National League. That's an improvement right?

Where does one rank on the most unmanly man list if he watches the Voice and openly roots for team Blake Shelton? The Informer is asking for a friend of his, the Informer does not watch the voice, he swears...


Midus Whale f*cking Rocks. . .

So last night on Dance Moms the Evil Fat B*tch who runs Candy Apples and the old other B*tch that owns the other dance studio got into a major yelling match, it was some serious sh*t. This begs the question. . . Why in the blue hell is the Informer watching Dance Moms? 

Do you guys want to hear a funny joke, the Informer started working out....LOL. . .HAHA. . . But seriously its normal for a treadmill to stop working after five minutes right?

Do you want to hear another great joke? The 2013 New York Yankees. . . #The Informer is shooting darts in a fish barrel tonight.

So Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban owner says he would draft Brittney Greiner in the second round. I know there is a penis joke somewhere in that last sentence but the Informer is going to take the high road and say she is really good. #Monkey Dunks from a chick

Special shout out to Treynor’s own JA Adande for the greatest face book status update of all time after hearing about Tony Romo‘s contract extension: “The Dallas Cowboy have just announced they have added six years to their self-imposed playoff ban!” That’s great writing right thur!

The Informer is not saying he has a sports card collecting problem, but the other day amazon.com sent him an email thanking him for his purchase of a “2007 Jamarcus Russell Rookie Card.”  (The Informer is buying cheap just in case this ridiculous comeback from cough syzzurp addiction actually pans out)

Speaking of f*cking ridiculous, did anyone else bet on the outcome of the three main matches for Wrestlemaniam 29? Anyone? So the Informer is the only person that put 1600 hundred dollars down to win 100 on the Undertaker winning #easiest hundred dollars the Informer will ever make, 21-0.

Just in case you can get your hands on the script ahead of time, here are the odds:.

The Rock vs. John Cena

The Rock: +550
John Cena: -1,000

The Undertaker vs. CM Punk

The Undertaker: -1,600
CM Punk: +700

Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar

Triple H: -650
Brock Lesnar: +375

(Informer predictions - Undertaker wins, Cena is going to win, and Triple H is going to retire, which means Lesnar gets the W, so taking Lesanr +375 is the way to go.)

Is anyone else extremely excited to watch the newest Jurassic Park movie? Whats that? It is just the movie from 1993 in 3d? What the f*ck hollywood? Its called being creative and coming up with something new. . . Cheese and Rice man.

"Informer aren't you just copying Bill Simmons and doing one of his old ramblings blog with different jokes?"

Shut up figment of the Informer's imagination, the Informer is not near drunk enough for you to be talking right now.

Since the Informer is feeling pretty good about his Steven Strasburgh Cy young prediction, lets wrap up this blog with the rest of the Informer's MLB predictions after watching ONE day of baseball.

Angels beat the Nats in the world series.

Yu Darvish wins the American League Cy Young. Josh Hamilton wins the American League MVP.

Arod wins comeback player of the year. Arods roids dealer wins Dealer of the years.

The Milton Bradley Jr Guy on the Red Sox will set an MLB record for greatest walks of all-time.

Strausburger wins the NL Cy Young, while Bryce Harper wins the MVP.

The Cubs will make the NLCS but lose when Jeff Samarzaush realizes he is Jeff Smaardasgiza. . . (There is no way in hell the Informer will ever no how to spell that guys name)

The American League Central will be the best division, because the Royals, Tigers, Twins and White Sox will all finish above .500. . . (Informer Note - This is not humanly possible, but the Informer stands by his predictions)

The Baltimore Oreoels (How in the f*ck to you spell Orieol?) will win the American league East.

The Yankees Dodgers and Red Sox will all miss the postseason, proving once and for all you can't buy championships, unless it was 2004, 2008 or any of the years the Yankees won their 590 world titles. Other then that you cant buy championships.

And finally, congrats to long time reader and friend Coach Poldberg and his wife on receiving the news that they will be adding a little one to their family. A baby is a definite game changer, and I assure you it will be the best thing you ever do.

The Informer has an extra Randy Moss Onesy if you need it. . .

Final Note - The Informer needs to mention that if he were ever on the Voice he would be on team Shakira and he knows he would get picked because the Informer would sing the greatest version of this song of all time, full dance included…



Have fun getting the image of the Informer shaking his hips out of your head...#Hips Don't Lie