Tonight’s Ramblings Blog is being sponsored by the 11 day anniversary of the greatest walk in the history of baseball. Hell it was the greatest walk in the history of the world. So thank you future rookie of the year and man who changed America's game in one at bat, Mr. Jackie Bradley Jr.
Before we get to far into the ramblings, the Informer has to give a special shout-out to Kobe "Bean Mamba Vino" Bryant.
The man with many nicknames needs to add another one, 48. Because the past month he has been playing some of the most inspired basketball the Informer has ever seen him play and doing it while playing nearly every minute of every game. He does not rest anymore. Listen the Informer knows the Lakers are not going places this year, but watching Kobe the last month has been a privilege.
The Black Mamba aka “48” is a scoring machine who makes all of the right plays and is willing his sh*tty team to victories. The other night he put up a 47 point 6 rebound 5 assist 4 block and 3 steal game in a must win against the Portland Trailblazers.
It was unreal.
If Lebron hadn't turned into a basketball "CYBORG" this year the Informer would be arguing that Kobe should be the MVP. Instead the Informer will settle for first team all-NBA while Kobe and the Lakers get a first round rematch against the scoring machine DURANT DURANT and his sidekick Russell "I am a better version of Scottie “No Tippin” Pippen" Westbrook.
Informer side note - I have been doing a new work out called "Body By Informer" that is guaranteed to keep your man titties jiggling. What you do is walk on the treadmill during the first half of every Lakers game (If Kobe can play 48 minutes the Informer can walk for two miles). Once halftime hits the Informer immediately stops the treadmill and drinks 8 tall boy Natties while polishing off chicken nuggets with gravy.
After 7 days of following this rigorous exercise regimen the Informer is proud to announce his man tits are as soft as ever and his pants still don't fit. I really do think this will be the next big exercise craze. "Body by Jake" and "Insanity Man" you have been warned.
Did everyone see Carmelo Anthony score 36 points on 34 shots while gunning for the scoring title the other night?
Just saying, to everyone who used to call Kobe out for shooting to much and are now admiring that Melo is on a scoring binge, please pull your heads out of your hypocritical asses.
"But Melo is averaging 35 points a game over the last 7 games Informer, he is the best scorer ever."
Your right fake reader, because Kobe never had a stretch of games like that. O wait that’s right, Kobe once averaged 35 points a game for an entire season. In the words of Gus and Shawn from the greatest show on TV. . . SUCK IT!!!
Speaking of which, did you all watch Psych this past week?
Without spoiling to much let the Informer tell you EXACTLY what happened. . .#Spoiler Alert
|Which one is from The Cosby show?|
Juliet, the blonde vixen of the show (What the Hell does vixen mean?) who also happens to be Shawn’s love interest found out about Shawn's little secret. You see Shawn is the main Character who helps solve crimes by pretending to be Psychic with his partner Burton Guster who is played by that one little kid from the Cosby show.
So on Wednesday’s episode Juliet caught Shawn and forced him to come clean and admit that he is not actually a Psychic, just a really good detective. After seven years the truth was finally revealed.
This led to Juliet doing the "You Bastard" routine and throwing water in our hero's face. The Informer watched this episode and was stunned. The Informer is not exaggerating when he says he sat in the darkness for five minutes pondering what took place.
For the love of television show writing, it is only midway through the season and they just gave us a "Season Ending" cliff hanger. The Informer was flabbergasted to say the least. #Flabbergasted ain’t even a word
Now before you bring up the whole "Why would she be upset he has been helping save lives and put bad guys in jail" thing, you must remember that Juliet’s dad (played by "Denny Crane") is a con-man who has never told her the truth.
First her dad, now her EX-boyfriend. The Informer hasn’t seen this much relationship drama since the days of Bo, Hope and Billie on Days of our Lives. Please don‘t ask why the Informer knows about love triangles on Days of Our Lives.
Listen if you haven’t watched Psych do yourself a favor and buy Netflix ($8 a month) take the week off of work and watch the first 100 episodes straight through without stopping. Then get on the internet and download the first four episodes of season 7 and get completely caught up.
If you start right after you finish reading this blog then by Wednesday night at nine o’clock you will be fully caught up. Trust the Informer, you will not be upset.
Finale Psych Note - Did you know people in Canada don't have the USA network? Which means they have never heard of the greatest show on television? The Informer couldn’t believe this when one of his fellow writers at www.alphaentertainmentonline.com mentioned this. The Informer just added a new life goal, Bring Psych to the people of Canada. #Informer Teresa or is it Mother Informer? Double Hash Tag - Saintly Duties.
Back to the NBA scoring race for a second. . .
It looks like Melo is going to win this years scoring title because Kevin Durant has been actively trying not to score points. While Melo is getting 36 points on 34 shots, Durant Durant keeps settling for his 30 points on 17 shots.
Just like last year when Kobe sat out the last game of the season instead of trying to win the award, Durant Durant seems to have conceded the scoring title.
This is probably due to the age old thinking that scoring champs don’t win NBA titles. And going for selfish personal goals doesn't help the team win.
The Informer is calling bullshit.
You have a chance to win a scoring title while playing on the best team in the NBA and your worried about upsetting your teammates? You just played perfect team ball for 78 our of 82 games and now your f*cking worried about being selfish because you have a chance to make NBA history. This pisses the Informer off.
How about for once the other guys try and be good teammates. Why can’t they come out and say "Kevin is the ultimate team player, but we sure would like for him to get this award. . . So we are going to do our best to get him the shots he needs?"
Why can't this happen?
The entire year Durant has been playing unselfish team basketball. Low and behold while playing this way he somehow (He is a scoring machine) has a chance to join Michael Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain as the only players to ever win 4 straight scoring titles. The problem is he is not even trying for it because that would make him a bad teammate?.
How does this make sense?
If I was Westbrook or any other member of the Thunder, besides having a secret man cave in his mansion because he is rich, the Informer would be doing his damndest to help my super star teammate achieve NBA History.
And you know what? No one is going to remember the year Durant didn’t try for the title, but they sure as hell would remember Durant winning his fourth straight.
As for the being selfish and hurting the team, ask Kobe that about last year. Did conceding the scoring title help make Andrew Bynum less of a bum? Is Durant passing up jump shots going to make Kendrick Perkins not the worst basketball player in the history of the NBA? The Answer is No for those scoring at home.
The point is this. . . YOU GO FOR HISTORY WHEN YOU HAVE THE CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is a good rule to live by in NBA life, if you have a chance to do something only Jordan and Wilt were able to do, then you f*cking try and do it. Especially when you are trying to set your legacy during the era of Lebron.
Then again, the Thunder want the ultimate team award not the ultimate individual award. I guess time will tell if it was the right move, but right now the Informer hates it.
Final NBA thought - The Spurs are actively trying to duck the Lakers. The Informer is not making this up, but since the Lake-Show are not even guaranteed a playoff spot yet we are not going to talk about this. #CANT JINX THE MAMBA
I will say it was pretty interesting that the Spurs sat the big three the other night, even though they are in a dog fight for the #1 seed. (Like the Informer said, the Spurs want the #2 seed so they would miss the Lakers.)
Informer Confession - In my heart the Informer believes the Lakers could beat the Spurs. There is no way on Tebow’s green earth that the Lakers can beat the Thunder. These are the facts.
Honestly, it wouldn’t be an Informer ramblings without a little wrestling talk. Mainly the Informer would like the fake readers to remind him to skip the 75 dollar pay-per view next year and just watch Monday Night Raw the night after.
Between the great crowd, the replay of every Mania match, and Ziggler cashing in and winning the World Heavyweight Title, the free show on Monday was ten times more entertaining then the "Can't Pay My Rent Now" Pay Per View on Sunday.
"Informer stop f*cking talking about Wrastling. No one read your 5,000 word review of Wrestle Mania and no one wants to read your thoughts on Monday Night Raw. Your 28 gosh damn years old, grow the F up and write about something that is not men in underwear fake wrestling each other"
WOW. . . Well in that case. .
Is the Informer the only person who can't get enough of "The Voice" on NBC?
For those that have never seen the show, contestants audition to be in a singing contest but in order to make the show one of the four judges has to pick you for their team.
|"Hips Don't Lie"|
This year the judges are Blake Shelton (Coolest guy in the world and alleged adulterer) Usher, some guy named Levine and the saucy lady who gave us the greatest song in the history of music. . . Shakira. . .
Shakira. . . Shakira.
"EWWWWWWWW BABY WHEN YOU TALK LIKE THAT. . . YOU MAKE A WOMAN GO MAD. . . I'M ON TONIGHT AND MY HIPS DON'T LIE. . . SO BE ONE IN THE ARMS OF MY BODY"
Have fun getting that song out of your head the rest of the night. #Totally butchered the words but you get the idea.
Anyways, there is a catch to the challenge, the judges can't see what the contestants look like because they sit in a chair with their backs to the stage. So the only way they can choose their contestants is by hearing the voice and then hitting their buttons to make their chairs turn around.
The best part of the show is every time Shelton hits his button and turns around to find a pretty little 19-year old blonde he makes the same "YES I am allegedly going to cheat on Miranda tonight" face. It really is one of the greatest things on TV today.
The Informer does have one small confession to make though, for the first four seasons he has stopped watching once the auditions are over. Well on Tuesday night the teams were all picked so now the Informer has no idea what happens next.
Is it like American Idol now where the judges just listen to people sing (Yawn)? Do they still have to sit with their backs to the stage? Are they allowed to change clothes now? Do they film Blake's infidelities and then sell them to the highest bidder? The Informer has no idea what to expect. One thing is for sure, he is freaking excited to see more Midus Whale.
Sticking with NBC TV, The Informer has now watched the first two episodes of the new Thursday night drama Hannibal. It is a show based off of the evil cannibal Hannibal Lector from the movies. Truth be told the Informer does not like it. The show is slow and the actors are not that likeable. The Informer is going to give it three more weeks but right now Hannibal is looking like a real Informer #Loser
Informer TV Watching rule - It took four episodes before the Informer decided that Rescue Me was the greatest show on television, so now every series gets five shows to prove its worth watching else the Informer cuts it out of his life.
Enough about the worst rated network on television, lets talk sports. . .
"It sure looks like fall in Washington because Bryce Harper is Raking."
And that my friends was this weeks award for the worst joke the Informer has ever used in a blog. Stay tuned for next week when the Informer uses the "It sure feels like summer because the Miami Heat are swimming in playoff wins."
You don’t have to say it the Informer already know what your thinking #THIS GUY SUCKS.
The Informer's next movie review, coming out mid-next week, will be on “Django Unchained.” It is the Quentin Tarintino story of racist white people treating an African American who has great skill as a gunman poorly. In other words its the story of Randy moss. . .
Get it? That is a The Patriots are "Allegedly Racist Assholes" joke? The Informer is not going to lie, the review for Django is going to be a bigger disaster then the time the Informer tried to switch from Natty to Keystone light.
Informer Note - The Informer is using the word allegedly under the little known rule that you can say whatever you want on the internet as long as you say allegedly. This protects the Informer from being sued for his thousands of dollars worth of debt. #OJ allegedly killed his wife and Ronald Goldman.
The NCAA March Madness tourney ended Monday night with Louisville beating Michigan in a very good basketball game that featured each team using the "White Guy Off The bench shooting threes" offense to perfection. The Informer is not lying, in the first half both teams had a white guy come off the bench and score 17 points out of nowhere.
If it were not for Florida Gulf Coast upset run to the Sweet 16 it would have been the most implausible storyline of the year. But seriously, this years tournament will be remembered for two white guys shooting threes, a bone sticking out of some dudes leg and FGC upsetting their way to the Sweet 16.
Speaking of biggest upsets, the Informer now prefers Law and Order Criminal Intent over SVU.
The Informer swears it has nothing to do with finding out that Stabler was not in fact Casey Jones from The Ninja Turtles. As it turns out they are two different actors who look exactly alike.
Quick question, people still watch the Law and Orders right? That’s still a thing?
"No Informer, because not everyone lives in 2003. For god sakes turn on The Office, Modern Family or Parks and Recreation once in awhile." (Not going to lie but the Informer has no idea what the figment of his imagination is talking about. What in the blue hell is a Parks and Recreation?)
Moving on, The Masters has started and Tiger is once again in contention.
The Informer is going for the 14-year old Asian Boy. #A sentence that may finally lead to the Informer being called the Apex Predator. . .
For real, the kid is 14 and golfing in the same tournament as Tiger Woods. When the Informer was 14 he was still three years away from puberty. Not sure what that has to do with golf, but its valuable information.
I need to give a quick music plug before we wrap this thing up, Please Check out the band Rock Paper Dynamite. They kick ass. You can go to Itunes and buy their music. Its really good. The Informer is not just saying that because his cousin is the drummer.
Finally the Informer will be back early next week with his NBA playoffs preview and then we will be starting the 40 blogs in 40 nights tour.
Last year this is the event that almost killed the Informer and got him divorced, but the fans enjoyed it so we are bringing it back.
Have a great weekend y'all and just in case you haven’t seen the greatest play in the history of baseball. . .
Informer’s Directors Cut - Thoughts that didn’t quite make the ramblings this week. . .
The Informer is man enough to admit that he has seen the Hannah Montana movie…Three times.
Don’t you hate when you have the VCR programmed to record the Lakers game at 09:30PM only to have the power go off and reset the VCR all together? #1980 problems
There are other straight married men out there that would click on a link en-titled “Bret Favre’s Dick Pick” Right? The Informer isn’t the only one curious?
Screw it, lets find out. . . Brett Favre's Dick
Wait for it. . .
Wait for it. . .
Wait for it. . .
Never gonna give you up. . .Never gonna let you go. .. Never gonna run around. .
Hey you clicked on the link its your own fault you got Rick Rolled.