Well everyone it is three hours until kickoff and The Informer is just now starting to write his weekly picks article that normally takes him ten hours to put together. To say The Informer is feeling some pressure would be an understatement.
“Pressure Informer, what would you know about pressure?”
Well, with no-fear about repercussions from the “Duck Dynasty” gang, The Informer has kissed a man.
All Ace Ventura Pet Detective jokes aside, The Informer is going to do something drastic in order to meet his noon kickoff deadline; he is going to open up the “Natty Lights” and go old school drunken Informer.
We are talking a beer a pick, dirty skanks, terrible gambling advise and at the end, with a little help from “Tebow”, The Informer will be able to produce a semi-competent picks article.
“Informer your going to get drunk at 9 am on a Sunday? Aren’t you married with kids? What is wrong with you?”
Umm . . . The Informer respectively declines comment.
On that thought here is Week 16 of The Informer vs. The Question 2013 NFL Picks Challenge: The Drunken Ramblings Addition.
(The Informer note - Since I am not going to have time to properly edit while heavily drinking and probably swearing, The Informer is not going to post this article on www.truschoolsports.com . Normally that is the home for The Informer and he is a proud member of the team; however, The Informer just does not have the time to put together a proper article for the Tru School Sports guys. Hopefully they understand.)
And with that, here is Adam Carolla to start us off.
Like The Informer said, strap on the seat belts, this is going to be a bumpy/drunken ride.
MIAMI DOLPHINS @ BUFFALO BILLS (+2.5)
If The Informer wanted to jinx the Buffalo Bills in order to help Ryan “RT1” Tannehill get into the playoffs he would definitely say things like; at this time 73% of the public is betting the Miami Dolphins so the smart money says to take Buffalo.
Also the Bills are a 2.5 point home underdog, which means there is no way on “Tebow’s” green earth that a home 2.5 point underdog is not going to cover. Remember, the 2.5 home underdog is currently 22-6 ATS this season.
There is also no chance “RT1” will be able to go into freezing Buffalo, since he plays on a warm weather team, and Un-circle the Bills wagons.
Finally he would say that he is going to take Buffalo in his Super Picks Contest (That he is dead last in), he is going to call up some guy named “Frankie” and try and win all his money back with Da Bills and most of all he is going to take them in his weekly picks article.
This is a no-brainer.
Pick: Bills +2.5
(P.S. - You’re welcome friend of The Informer “Lil Vernie.”)
NEW ORLEANS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3.5)
Before we continue, DJ could you hit The Informer’s writing music?
Come on everyone say it with me . . . “SHOTS!!! SHOTS!!! SHOTS!!! EVERYBODY?”
There is only one thing The Informer loves more then drunken blogging . . Drew Brees getting points in prime-time.
Pick: Saints +3.5
(The Informer note - I apologize, apparently The Informer has been over served because this is a noon game. At any rate The Informer loves Brees going against a team that has already beat him once this week . . . Jaeger Bombs . . . Lemon Drops. The Informer loves this song and highly recommends while you read.)
DALLAS COWBOYS @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (+2.5)
Normally The Informer would be sticking to the 2.5 point home underdog theory, but the Dallas Cowboys are winning this game. How else are we going to get the yearly Sunday Night meltdown loss to cost the Cowboys the division championship?
Mark my words, Dallas is the best bet on the sheet today.
Pick: Cowboys (-2.5)
TAMPA BAY @ ST. LOUIS RAMS (-5.5)
Since The Informer has nothing to say about this game how about some Christmas music?
Hey The Informer said there would be skanks.
Pick: Rams -5.5
CHICAGO BEARS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-3.5)
The Informer is really confused; why was the New England-Baltimore game, one that has produced three straight NFL Classics in the past two years, flexed out of prime-time so we all could watch the Eagles vs. the Bears?
The Informer knows there are some playoff implications with this game, but the Patriots-Ravens game could decide who is going to win the AFC Championship.
You guys think I am kidding, but if Joe Flacco and John Harbaugh get this Ravens team into the playoffs are you going to want to bet against them? The Informer sure as hell isn’t.
As for this game, The Informer really really wants the Detroit Lions to make the playoffs. In order for that to happen the Bears and the Packers have to lose this week and the Lions have to win against the lowly New York Giants and then against the even lowlier Minnesota Vikings.
Don't worry Lions fans, The Informer knows what he has to do.
The Bears are going to easily win and cover. That is why The Informer is making this his Lion King Lock of the Week, one of his Super Picks and best of all The Informer just made an easy $100 from his friend Frankie after saying the words give me Da Bears.
Pick: Bears LKLOTW +3.5
CLEVELAND BROWNS @ NEW YORK JETS (PK)
The Informer doesn’t want to pick-em. These two teams suck more than a red-headed Lindsay Lohan look-alike who allegedly just ran out of candy suckers.
What, you thought The Informer was going to make a “Coke Whore” joke? Grow up Peter Pan, this is a family web-site.
Pick: Jets . . . When in doubt take the home team over the crappy road team two days before Christmas.
This seems like a good time to mention that The Question was given the week off due to family obligations and of course the holiday season. First and foremost The Informer wants to thank The Question for his time and efforts once again this year. For the sixth straight season you have provided a great voice to the picks article. I know The Informer is not speaking alone when he says you do a great job.
Also here are his picks:
Miami Dolphins(-2.5), Carolina Panthers (-3.5), Dallas Cowboys (-2.5), Tampa Bay(+5.5), Chicago(+3.5), New York Jets(PK), Colts (+7), Cincinnati (-7.5), Seahawks (-10.5), Giants (+10), Chargers (-10.5), Peyton Mannings (-9.5), Jags (+5.5) Green Bay (-2.5), New England (+2.5) and 49ers(-12).
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-7)
Last week The Informer played against Jamaal Charles in two separate fantasy football playoffs. Needless to say The Informer is not playing fantasy football this week. It serves The Informer right for picking the Chiefs to only win seven games.
So to all of the Chiefs nations, The Informer apologizes. Hopefully in the spirit of Christmas and Tim Tebow’s brothers birthday, you guys can find it in your hearts to forgive The Informer for his wrong doing.
Also, just to show there are no hard feelings, The Informer is predicting Andrew “The Great” Luck and the Colts walk into Arrowhead and beat the unbeatable Chiefs.
Pick: Colts +7
MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-7.5)
The Informer has been reading all week about how Landanian Tomlinson was the last player to win back to back rushing titles. Most of the stories were written because they were saying this year would be another year with a new rushing title winner.
The Informer only has one question: Adrian Peterson is only 120 yards behind LeSean McCoy right now with two games to play, and word in Cincinnati is that Peterson is going to play today.
Well The Informer has one very simple rule in life, when people tell Adrian Peterson he is not going to win the rushing title and Adrian Peterson still has two games left to win said title; there is no way in the bluest of blue hells The Informer is going to bet against Peterson in those two games.
The Informer is thinking AP rushes for a cool 220 and the Vikings keep this thing respectable.
On a side note; if The Informer’s lovely blonde bombshell wife listened to his constant nagging all year long, this will be the last Sunday The Informer will ever go without an A.J. “The Sickness” Green jersey #Bengals18.
If you think that last sentence doesn’t give The Informer a BISP then you don’t know The Informer at all.
Pick: Vikings +7.5
DENVER BRONCOS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-9.5)
Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP . . . Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP . . .Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP . . . Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP . . .Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP . . . Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP . . .Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP . . . Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP . . .Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP . . . Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP . . .Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP . . . Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP . . .Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP . . . Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP.
So we are all clear that no one but Peyton Manning is the 2013 NFL MVP?
Pick: Donkeys -9.5
ARIZONA CARDINALS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-10.5)
One team is playing for a shot at the playoffs while the other team is seeing if “HGH” works on their back-up cornerbacks.
Call The Informer crazy, but a NFL team fighting for there playoff lives getting 10.5 points seems to good to be true.
Pick: Cardinals +10.5
NEW YORK GIANTS @ DETROIT LIONS (-10)
There is no reason the Lions should be favored by ten over anyone. This team couldn’t beat the Syracuse Orangemen by ten. Honestly, if The Informer were a gambling man, he would probably take the Giants money line as there is no chance Calvin Johnson can lead his team to victory over Elite Eli Manning.
Pick: Giants +10
Another The Informer note - Hey for fun can you name all of the colleges, like the Orangemen, that have a mascot whose name does not end in “S” . . . If The Informer’s memory is not to hazy, I believe there are 10 such NCAA mascots. Tweet your answers to @therealinformer and the first person to get them right The Informer will let you pick what his next article will be about.
PS to Another The Informer note - If The Informer gets one response he promise to buy that person a beverage of their choice or to mail you a Calvin Johnson rookie card #The Informer is not above bribing his readers for interaction.
OAKLAND RAIDERS @ SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-10.5)
The Informer has been saying all week that there is no way the Chargers cover this spread. Since The Informer is so sure that the Raiders are going to show up, on the road, Christmas weekend he is going to make the only logical pick.
Pick: Chargers -10.5
PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-2.5)
56% of the public is betting against the Packers at home because Aaron Rodgers is not playing. The Informer knows that Matt Flynn is not the best Seahawks, Raiders or Jets quarterback, but we all have to admit that he is one of the best Packers QB’s to ever play the game.
The Informer is not just saying that because he wants the Packers to lose either, he means it. Matt Flynn is the man. And today he is going to outduel Ben Roethlispizzaberger in one of those “Magical Lambeau” Packers victories that guys like Don Majkowski and Brett Favre used to pull off.
Pick: Packers -2.5
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-2.5)
The Informer knows he has been drinking, but didn’t we already talk about this game?
Remember when The Informer said he was not going to bet against Joe Flacco and John Harbaugh in the playoffs? You know since the Flacco-Harbaugh combination is the only QB-Coach combination to win a playoff game each of their first five seasons.
Then The Informer rambled on about why was this game flexed out of prime-time when it has produced three straight NFL classic games?
Any rate, The Informer really does not want to see the Baltimore Ravens in the first round of the playoffs, therefore he is once again going to do what he has to do.
Pick: Ravens -2.5
ATLANTA FALCONS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (-12)
The Informer is going to pick the Falcons in the very last game ever played at Candlestick Park. The NFL rule says to always take the double digit underdog.
Now that we have finished all of the picks, here are some of The Informer’s most memorable memories of watching Sports at the Stick.
The 49ers beat the Giants 7-3 on Monday Night Football: A five-year old Informer won his very first bet ever made, as he took a dollar off of his old man when the 49ers won. At the time no spread was involved.
If you didn't get goosebumps watching that clip, then you didn't grow up loving the San Francisco 49ers.
Those criminals get away with assaulting Joe Montana:
If that hit happened in today's game Leonard Marshall would be rightfully arrested and charged with attempted homicide. So for everyone who complains about the wussification of the NFL, remember there was a time when "Thugs" got away with trying to kill the greatest QB's to ever play.
Do we really want to go back to that era?
THE CATCH II:
Is there anything better in sports than John Madden and Pat Summerall calling a classic NFL game? The Informer says no.
Jerry Rice breaks the NFL touchdown record against the Oakland Raiders:
Honestly, Rice breaking the NFL touchdown record on Monday Night Football is my favorite non Randy Moss moment in the history of the NFL and one of my Top 5 sports memories ever.
And with that, it may have been sloppy but we made the deadline.
The Informer wishes each and everyone of his readers the merriest Christmas and the happiest of holidays.