The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 1

Q: Hey Informer are you seriously going to let the 2017 NFL Season start without giving your readers a fun facts, stats and useless information article?

Of course not. In fact (pun intended), here are 15 of The Informer's funnest most useless stats for the upcoming 2017 NFL Season.

1. Martavias Bryant has 14 touchdown in 21 career games. To put that in perspective that is more TD receptions through 21 games than Julio Jones (12), AJ Green (9), Marvin Harrison (10), Larry Fitzgerald (11), Antonio Brown (1), Michael Irvin (7), Cris Carter (8), Dez Bryant and Jerry Rice (9).
2. Also to put the above stat in perspective, the great Randy Moss caught 20 touchdowns in his first 21 NFL games. 
3. Antonio Gates (who has 111 career TD receptions) needs to catch one TD pass this season in order to break a tie with Tony Gonzalez for the most touchdowns by a tight end in NFL history.
4. Frank Gore is 619 yards away from passing LaDaninian Tomlinson for fifth all-time rushing yards. For those wondering, the only time Gore has rushed for under 619 yards in a season during his 12-year career was his rookie season when he finished with 608 yards rushing.
5. Sticking with the ageless wonder; if Gore reaches 1,000 yards rushing this season he will join Emmitt Smith, Curtis Martin, Barry Sanders and Walter Payton as the only backs to rush for 1,000 yards in 10 different seasons. 
6. Drew Brees is 5,829 yards away from breaking Peyton Manning’s NFL record for passing yards.
7. Tom Brady is 4,262 yards behind Drew Brees.
8. If Adrian Peterson rushes for 1,00 yards he will surpass Thurman Thomas, Franco Harris, Marcus Allen, Edgerin James, Marshall Faulk, Jim Brown and Tony Dorsett to move into ninth place all time.
9. If Larry Fitzgerald records his ninth 1,000 yard season, he would move into third place for most receiving yards in NFL history.
10. Aaron Rodgers needs four TD passes to move past John Elway for 10th all-time. Once that happens Rodgers will join Brees, Brady, Eli Manning, Philip Rivers and Big Ben in the Top 10 in NFL history for career TD passes.
11. Carson Palmer and Philip Rivers each need to pass for 3,000 yards to join Brees, Brady, Eli and Big Ben on the Top 10 career passing yards' list.
12. Odell Beckham Jr and Javaris Landry are each entering their third NFL season with 288 career receptions.
13. With that said; it should be noted that the ODB has racked 4,122 yards and 35 TD, compared to Landry’s 3,051 yards and 13 TD.
14. Speaking of Beckham: Did you know that through 43 NFL games the only players with more TD catches than Odell are Rob Gronkowski (41), Jerry Rice (38) and Randy Moss (37)?
15. And finally, did you know Randy Moss is the only player in NFL history to have three season with 17 or more touchdown catches? Also, he is the youngest player in NFL history to reach 100 TDs for a career. He is second all-time with 157 TD catches. And he owns the NFL record for TD receptions by a rookie (17) and touchdown receptions for a single season (23).

Q: Enough with the made up stats Informer, lets get down to the business of what we are doing here today: What are your boldest of bold predictions for the 2017 NFL Season?

If you want bold, I will give you bold.

1. A.J. Green will lead the NFL in receiving yards.
2. Drew Brees will add to his NFL record by throwing for over 4,500 yards for the eighth straight season (Peyton Manning is second all-time with five straight +4,500 yard seasons).
3. Aaron Rodgers will win the 2017 NFL MVP.
4. The six NFC Playoff teams will be: Seattle Seahawks, Green Bay Packers, Dallas Cowboys, Atlanta Falcons, Carolina Panthers and the New York Giants.
5. The six AFC Playoff teams will be: New England Patriots, Pittsburgh Steelers, Tennessee Titans, Kansas City Chiefs, Cincinnati Bengals and Oakland Raiders.
6. New England will beat Green Bay in the Super Bowl.
7. Kareem Hunt will win the Rookie of the Year.
8. Speaking of Hunt; I think the Kansas City rookie will fumble his first career carry, but then redeem himself by becoming just the third player in NFL history to have 150+ yards and 3 TDs in his first NFL start (joining Marshall Faulk 1994, and Billy Simms 1980). 
9. For the sixth time in his NFL career, Alex Smith will have a 300-yard passing game.
10. And finally, I do not think the New England Patriots will go undefeated.

Q: Wait one flipping second Informer. Did you just hand out four bold predictions based on a game that was already played? Is that what you are doing now? Waiting for a game to end and then writing articles where it makes it look like you actually predicted the outcome? That is a new low even for your drunk ass. You should be ashamed of yourself you fat ignorant hillbilly.

You can call me all the names you want, but these are all legit bold predictions that I totally came up with on my own before my new favorite team the Kansas City Chiefs dethroned the New England Patriots on live national television.

Q: That is f*****g horses sauce and you know it Informer. You are nothing more than a lying drunk bandwagon jumping little man who makes sh*t up to try and feel better about the fact that you suck as a writer and nobody likes you. Well Informer, I am not going to let you get away with it. I want you to show us your "Proof of pick" tweet for the Thursday Night Football game right f***ing now, so we can all see what a fraud you truly are?

Sure I will show my tweet. I got nothing to hide:

I am taking the Kansas City Chiefs (+9), the Chiefs moneyline and the 1st half over 24.5 #ThursdayNightFootball #PatsVsChiefs

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 9, 2017

Q: For f**k sakes Informer!!! That tweet was clearly posted on Saturday, September 9th. Seriously man what is wrong with you? Just admit that the Natty Lights have finally killed all of your brain cells so you must resort to being a worthless drunk liar.

Ummmmm . . . Since this is obviously my "deflategate" moment in history where I am going to dig in and never admit my lies: Why don't we wrap up the mailbag and get to The Informer's  Week 1 2017 NFL Picks?

As always please gamble with reckless abandoned.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-8.5)

The Informer's TNF proof of pick tweet:

I am taking the New England Patriots (-8.5) the 1st half under (24.5) and the game over 48.5 total points #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 7, 2017

Yikes, that is a painful way to start the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Pats (-8.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-8.5)

Oh look at this; we made it to the first Sunday game of the 2017 NFL Season and we have already found the worst game of the year. Welp, since we are obviously not going to talk about this garbage Jet-Bills game, I guess that means we need to hand out this week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

#ClassicKD

Pick: Jets (+8.5)  

ATLANTA FALCONS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+6.5)

Teams that blow a 28-3 Super Bowl lead do not come out flat in Week 1 the very next season. On the contrary they come out pissed off and ready for revenge. At least that is what I am predicting is going to happen with the 2017 Atlanta Falcons (You know since no team in the history of the world has ever blown a 28-3 Super Bowl lead before). My gut is telling me that this team is too healthy and motivated in Week 1 to have any issue with the Mike Glennon led Bears.

Pick: Falcons (-6.5)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ CINNCINATI BENGALS (-2.5)

I think 2017 is going to be A.J. Green's greatest year as a professional football player. I also think that greatness starts Week 1 at home against the banged up Baltimore Ravens.

Pick: Bengals (-2.5)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+9.5)

Martavias Bryant is a young Randy Moss like star. Antonio Brown has three straight season with at least 106 receptions. The Steelers defense is going to be legit. Big Ben is 21-2 in his career versus the Browns. LaVeon Bell is fully healthy and playing Week 1. Oh and did I mention the Browns are still the Cleveland Browns? Yea . . . Don't over think this one.

Pick: Steelers: (-9.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ DETROIT LIONS (+2)

Bruce Arians is greater than Jim Caldwell. Larry Fitzgerald is greater than Lions WRs. David Johnson is a possible 2017 NFL MVP. And finally, Arizona is healthy after their disaster 2016 season while the Detroit Lions are the same team that lost three straight games to finish 2016. Add it all up and the math says I am taking Arizona and laying the points on the road.

Pick: Cardinals (-2)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-5)

Okay so I started a thing on twitter this summer called "The Informer's joke of the Day". Its my new running bit where I go on the internet and try to find jokes that make me laugh, then I share them on my account for all to read. Now, since most of these jokes are at the expense of the hapless Jacksonville Jaguars, I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to share five of my favorites from the summer.

Here goes . . .

Q: Did you hear the C.I.A sent Blake Bortles over to North Korea?
A: They figured he was the only guy in the world who could overthrow Kim Jong-Un.

Q: Why doesn't Blake Bortles use the telephone anymore?
A: Because he couldn't find the receiver.

Q: What do the Oakland Raiders and the L.A. P.D. have in common?
A: Neither one can stop a Bronco.

Q: Why did Tony Romo cross the road?
A: To get to the hospital. (Too soon?)

Q: If you have a Dallas Cowboys running back, wide receiver and defensive player in the same car: Who is driving?
A: The Police.


via GIPHY
Pick: Texans (-5)  

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-2.5)

I know the Titans have become this year’s hipster sleeper playoff team (I did just pick them to make the playoffs six paragraphs ago), but I feel like I need to point out the fact that the Tennessee Titans have an absolute brutal 10 game start to the season.

Seriously check it out:

Raiders (very loseable), Jags (win) Seattle (loss), @ Houston (they will be underdogs), @ Miami (loseable), Colts in Primetime (Andrew Luck is 9-0 career vs Tennessee) (@ Browns (win), Ravens (toss up), Bengals (toss up), @ Steelers (loss), @ Colts (See above 9-0 stat).

Listen, I am not saying they won't make the playoffs, but I am saying maybe we should see how they handle themselves against the “super bowl contending” Oakland Raiders in Week  1 before we go Denny Greening their asses the Cinderella's of the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Titans (-2.5)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (+1.5)

I am following the gambling rule that says to always take the home underdog when the points are 2.5 or less.

Pick: Skins (+1.5)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-4.5)

I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE F*****G JARED GOFF LED LOS ANGELS RAMS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!!

Pick: Lion King Lock of the Week Rams (-4.5)

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-3)

Obviously this is the hardest game of the week to pick. I honestly have been going back and forth chugging Natties trying to figure out what to do. And after about six or seven tall one, I have finally decided that The Informer's gambling rules clearly state I am not allowed to ever bet against Aaron Rodgers at Lambeau. So, because the rules are the rules, I will be betting the Packers on Sunday in the preview of the 2017 NFC Championship game.

Pick: Packers (-3)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+5)

If my children no longer have a college fund at the end of Sunday it will be because I was wrong about the Brian Hoyer led 49ers going up against the Carolina Panthers.

Pick: Panthers (-5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-4.5)

This game will come down to a last minute field goal. And the last time I checked field goals are only worth 3-points, which is obviously less than 4.5.

Pick: Giants (+4.5)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-3)

If Adrian Peterson does not score a touchdown in this game I will stop drinking Natty Lights for a period of 24 straight hours. I swear to Tim Tebow I will do it.

Pick: Saints (+3)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-3)

I am picking the San Diego Chargers because when I was in the second grade the brother of Chargers linebacker Kyle Emanuel came to my birthday party where we watched Wrestlemania VII and ate yellow cake with pink frosting. And while I don't know exactly how that fact matters to the outcome of a NFL game, I also can't come up with a single scientific reason why it is not going to be the most important factor in the outcome of this NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE game.

Sooooo . . .

Pick: Chargers (-3)

That is a wrap folk. I hope you all have a great opening day Sunday. May it be filled with Natty Lights, winning bets and all of the Blimpies free gambling money can buy.

The 10 Greatest Kobe Bryant Facts Ever

Since tonight -- April 13th, 2016 -- is going to be the last NBA basketball game Kobe "The Black Mamba" Bryant is ever going to play; The Informer thought now would be the perfect time to share with the world his Top 10 All-Time Kobe Bryant facts.

So without any further, let's talk about the Mamba.

10A. Kobe scored at least 60 points on five different occasions, including one game where he scored 62 points in three quarters against the Dallas Mavericks.

10B. Also, just for the sake of being factually correct, the only other player in NBA history to have more 60 point games than the Mamba is Wilt Chamberlain; who had 32 such games.

10C. Finally, since we are being factually correct, it should be noted that during his 62-points in three quarters game, the Dallas Mavericks as a team scored 61 points. That is right, Kobe Bryant single handedly out scored an entire NBA team. 

9. Kobe scored 50+ points on 24 different occasions. To put Kobe's scoring in perspective; that is more than Steph Curry, LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird combined.

8A. Kobe was the first player in NBA history with 30,000 points and 6,000 rebounds.

8B. It should also be noted that he is currently 3rd all-time on the NBA career scoring list behind only Karl Malone and Kareem Abdul Jabar.

8C. Oh and don't forget, his 81 points in a single game against the Toronto Raptors in January of 2006, is the most points scored by any NBA player not named Wilt in the history of basketball.

7. Kobe once led the Lakers to the playoffs despite the fact that Kwame Brown was his starting center. The Informer is not making this fact up. There is video evidence on the internet and everything.

6. He was drafted by the Charlotte Hornets with the 13th overall pick, and was then traded to the Lakers for the one and only Vlade Divac.

5. Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself "The Black Mamba". I mean seriously: How awesome do you have to be to give yourself your own nickname and then have the rest of the world not only accept it, but love it?

4. Kobe Bryant -- the musician -- released the single greatest rap single in the history of music featuring Tyra Banks called K.O.B.E.

3. One time Kobe Bryant committed a homicide on Steve Nash.

2A. Kobe is one of only three players in NBA history to average at least 40 points per game for an entire month. In case you were wondering; he accomplished this feat four different times.

2B. Speaking of 40 point games: Did you know that Kobe scored at least 40 points against every single NBA team at least one time in his career?

And finally, The Informer's favorite Kobe fact of all-time is . . .

1. During the 2005-06 season Kobe joined Michael Jordan, Wilt and Rick Barry as the only players in NBA history to average at least 35 points per game for an entire season.

Honestly, there is no other way to say it other than: "Kobe Bryant is, was, and always will be 'The Mamba'.

#ThankYouMamba #GOAT!!!

The Informer's All NBA Playoffs Mailbag

Raise both your hands if you are the 2017 NBA MVP.

As always, please keep in mind that all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q: Hey Informer did you retire from writing? I mean you have not published an article in over a month. So what gives man? Did you finally realize it is pointless for you to put out articles because there is not a single person in the world who gives a sh*t about your opinion? Or, are you just a lazy, fat, alcoholic who has been slacking on his duties?

Honestly, I think it is probably a combination of the two. But hey, since we are here, how about The Informer breaks out an All-NBA Mailbag for his readers? Would that make up for a month’s long absence?

Q: Okay Informer if you want to make it up to us, how about you answer the most important question of 2017 right of off the bat: Who is the 2017 NBA MVP?

Russell Westbrook is the 2017 NBA MVP. The reasoning is simple; you don’t become the second player in NBA history to average a triple-double for the entire season while leading your team to the playoffs without Kevin Durant and not win the NBA MVP Award. 

That would be asinine.

Q: But Informer, what about the fact that the Thunder only won 46 games? That has to matter right? I mean no MVP in the last 30 years has won the award on a team that has won less than 50 games.

Sure, no one in the past 30 years has won the MVP while also playing for a team that won less than 50 games, but you know what else has not happened in the past 30 years? A f**king dude posting 42 triple-doubles while averaging a triple-double for an entire season.

Q: Come on Informer all the advanced stats show that James Harden had a more impressive year and his team won more games; therefore he is the MVP. Why can’t you just admit you are an overweight alcoholic who is wrong about the 2017 NBA MVP.

Did James Harden lead the league in scoring, finish in the Top 10 in rebounding while also averaging double digit assists and scoring 30 points a night? Did James Harden become the only player in NBA history to score at least 57 points while also posting a triple-double? Did James Harden become the first player in NBA history to record 42 triple-doubles in a season? If the answer is no to any of these questions; than that means he is not the MVP because there is a guy in the NBA who did in fact do all those things.

Q: Wins have to count for something Informer, and the fact is James Harden’s team had more wins than Russell Westbrook’s. So your “triple-double argument” is a mute point you moron. Again, no one is saying Russ was not spectacular this season, what we are saying is his numbers don’t mean as much because his team only won 46 games. Sorry bud, but your boyfriend is going to lose.  

So based on that argument, what you are really saying is that either Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green, Kevin Durant or Zaza Pachulia should win the 2017 NBA MVP. You know, because they were starters on a team that won 66 games? Honestly, I’m actually okay with that. From now on no one can be the NBA MVP unless their team has the most wins. Stats, game winning shots, advanced metrics, hot takes; none of that matters anymore. The best player on the team with the most wins always gets the MVP no questions asked. 

Q: Zaza Pachulia as the MVP? Now you are just being petty and ridiculous Informer. I mean seriously, why can’t you admit that James Harden’s historically great season produced more wins than Russ’s historically great season and that is why he is the MVP?

As I just said, if the number one argument you have contains the words “more wins”, than you have no choice but to pick someone from the Warriors to be your MVP. Just saying, you can’t sit here and argue that Harden should be the MVP over Russ -- with lesser stats -- because his team has more wins without saying Curry should be MVP over Harder -- with lesser stats -- because the Warriors have more wins than the Rockets.

Q: Fine Informer, you are correct. Russell Westbrook should be the unanimous MVP. I sincerely apologize for doubting you. Please forgive me. Also just in case you were wondering, I am totally lying. I am not going to ever agree with you, because you are nothing but a fat drunk sack of human waste who probably didn’t even watch the Rockets play one basketball game this year so you have no clue how valuable James Harden was.

That is where you are wrong sir. I clearly remember watching at least three James Harden games this year where his team lost to the Golden State Warriors. 

Q: I hate you Informer.

I know, but your feelings toward me have nothing to do with the fact that Russell Westbrook is hands down the 2017 NBA MVP.

Q: Hey Informer can we please stop talking about regular season awards and start focusing on the fact that the best two months of the years are about to begin? With that in mind, what is your favorite first round playoff match-up?

Well, obviously I can’t wait to watch Russ destroy James Harden in the Western Conference. So that would be number one on my list. And as far as the Eastern Conference goes, I am excited to see if Giannis “The Greek Freak” Ant******* can be the best player in four of seven games and lead the Milwaukee Bucks to a first round upset over the Toronto Raptors. 

Now, with all that said, this is the NBA Playoffs, which means every game is going to be freaking awesome (excluding any games involving Dwight Howard of course).

Q: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much slobbering over LeBron James are we going to have to read about from you in these playoffs?

I would say it is at least going to be an 8 out of 10. But that could change if/when Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry and Russell Westbrook get eliminated. But make no mistake about it, I will be paying homage and speaking the praises of King James every chance I get.

(P.S. - For those wondering, my NBA Playoff rooting order goes: Durant, Russ, Steph & then LeBron. Also, it should be noted that coming in dead last for umpteenth time is Dwight Howard.)

Q: Do you have any Playoff bets for the degenerates out there who are reading this?

I sure do, but before I give them away I feel I should explain to anyone reading that these picks are to be used for recreational purposes only. In no way shape or form does The Informer condone the practice of illegal gambling with websites like Sportsbook.ag, Bodog.eu, or any other online website that lets you place illegal wagers.

Okay, now that we have the disclaimer in place, here are a five prop bets I would be putting money on if betting were legal and I hadn’t just bought my bookie a brand new lawn mower.

• Warriors to win Championships (-220)
• Spurs to win Championship (+900)
• Wizards to win Eastern Conference (+1000)
• Cavs to win Eastern Conference (-260)
• Thunder over Rockets (+360)

Q: Speaking of predictions Informer, who is going to win every first round series and why?

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Cleveland vs Indiana: The Cavs will win this series because they have LeBron James.

Milwaukee vs Toronto: The Raptors are probably going to win, but my gut feeling says the “Greek Freak” is going to be out of this world great pushing this series to seven games.

Atlanta vs Washington: Washington wins because I hate Dwight Howard.

Chicago vs Boston: I think the veteran Chicago Bulls squad will be able to win two, maybe even three games, but in the end the Celtics will avoid the upset and move on to round two for the first time since the “Big 3” era.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Portland vs. Golden State: Warriors in five.

Oklahoma City vs. Houston Rockets: I am taking OKC because Russell Westbrook is the 2017 NBA MVP.

Utah Jazz vs. Los Angeles Clippers: I got to go with the Clippers experience here.

Memphis Grizzlies vs. San Antonio Spurs: As the old saying goes; death, taxes and the San Antonio Spurs making the second round of the NBA Playoffs.

Q: Last question Informer: Who is going to win the NBA Finals?

I have the Golden State Warriors beating the San Antonio Spurs in the Western Conference Finals and the Cleveland Cavaliers beating the Washington Wizards in the Eastern Conference Finals. Then in part three of the Warriors vs LeBron trilogy; I have the 2017 NBA Finals MVP Kevin Durant leading the Golden State Warriors to a 4-1 series victory.  

Final Answer: The Golden State Warriors will be the 2017 NBA Champions.

Can anyone stop Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry and the 2017 Golden State Warriors?

The Informer's Christmas Mailbag and Week 16 NFL Picks

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to The Informer’s Christmas Mailbag and Week 16 NFL Picks. As always, please keep in mind that almost all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q:Mr. Informer why is your article not getting posted to The Schmozone this week? Did they finally realize you were an overweight talent-less hack before canning your ass?

Here is the deal; as I am writing this there are only a few hours until kickoff and I don’t have internet access without turning my wife’s cell phone into a mobile hotspot -- which cost me upwards of $10 for every twenty minutes it is on – so by virtue of lack of time and internet, I decided that the best way to get The Informer’s Week 16 NFL Picks article published was by using my old website.

This way the picks still get posted before kickoff to keep their integrity intact, my boss does not have to hustle edit one of my articles (it is not an easy job considering The Informer has no idea how grammar and punctuation actually work) and most of all I can get as drunk as humanly possible and say whatever the hell I want because absolutely no one is going to waste their time reading therealinformer.blogspot.com on Christmas Eve.

So to answer the question; no I was not fired for being an overweight talent-less hack. I am still a proud Schmo, we are just taking a detour for this Holiday weekend.

Q: If a drunk middle aged blogger is 40 games over .500 when it comes to picking NFL games against the spread, but not a single person knows about said record because nobody on the face of the Earth reads this complete trash you call a blog, does it really count?

Let me counter your question with a question: If a tree falls over in the middle of an empty forest and nobody is around, was it still kicked over by Chuck Norris?

Q: Informer what in the hell are you talking about? Do you think Chuck Norris just goes around kicking down trees? Your analogy makes zero sense as usual. With that said, are you really 40 games over .500? How is that even possible? Aren't you supposed to be a drunk rambling moron?

Well, technically The Informer is 41 games over .500, but who is counting? And as for as how it is possible, I would just like to remind the world that through Tim Tebow anything is possible.

Q: Hey Informer, do you think the Dallas Cowboys offensive line should win the 2016 NFL MVP?

Is that a serious question? Are you on drugs or just plain f****** stupid? For f*** sakes man. It is called Most Valuable "Player" award. Not Players. Or Unit. Or Offense. Or team. It is an individual award. Which means that it must go to an individual f****** player. I mean cheesus f******* cripes man, who comes up with these asinine ideas/questions/theories?

Q: If the Dallas Cowboys offensive line is not the answer, then who is the 2016 NFL MVP?

Ezekiel Elliot, duh. He is the best player, on the best team, and has the numbers and big plays to back up him winning the award.

Q: But Elliot does not even have the best numbers for a running back. That would be David Johnson. So how is Johnson not the MVP?

Well, if you replaced Elliot with say Darren McFadden would the Cowboys be 12-2 and the 1st seed in the NFC right now? The answer is no. But if you replaced David Johnson with Darren McFadden would the Arizona Cardinals still be a team in the race for a Top 10 NFL Draft pick? The answer is probably. Therefore, because Johnson is a good stats bad team guy, he can’t be the MVP.

Q: Informer your logic makes no sense whatsoever. You just said that the award is based on individual performance and then said Elliot wins the award over Johnson because he has a better team. Can you please explain why you are contradicting yourself?

I guess the lesson as always is I am an alcoholic.

Q: Informer what is your all-time favorite Christmas movie?

With all due respect to Christmas Vacation, Die Hard, ELF, Bad Santa, A Very Brady Christmas, Charlie Brown, Prancer, Santa With Muscles, Tim Allen’s The Santa Claus, Jingle All the Way, One Night in Paris, Lethal Weapon, Ernest Saves Christmas, Scrooged, Miracle on 34th Street, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and A Christmas Story; I have to say that my favorite Christmas movie ever is Home Alone.

Q: Informer did you really put One Night in Paris on your favorite Christmas movie list? Isn’t that the X-rated porno starring Paris Hilton?

Ummmm . . . It was a typo? I mean, I was just checking to see who was still reading. Yea that works better. I was just checking to see if anyone was still reading. I was in no way saying that the Paris Hilton *** tape is one of my favorite Holiday movies.

#NeverGonnaGiveYouUp

Q: Hey Informer, do you remember the best Christmas you ever had?

You bet I do. In fact here are my Top 3 Christmas’ in order.

1. Xmas 1994 – Santa gave me roller blades, a Super Nintendo and the Super Nintendo version of Tecmo Super Bowl football.
2. Xmas 1997 – Also known as the year Santa gave me my first Randy Moss #84 Vikings jersey; which I still have and wear by the way.
3. Xmas 1990 – Santa hooked me up with a Joe Montana jersey, football pants and a 49ers plastic helmet. This was also the year that my pops started a lifelong Christmas tradition by giving me my first box of 1990 Pro Set football cards (FYI - - Sunday will mark the 27th straight year my Pops has given me football cards for Christmas).

Q: Dear Mr. Informer, did you know that every NFL game that has scored over 33 points in the first half has then went on to stay under the projected second half line this season? You have to check it out and spread the word to your degenerate readers.

I obviously have no way on Earth to fact check to see if this is an accurate stat or not, but there have now been two people who have brought this phenomena to my attention, so I am going to go ahead and say it has to be true and therefore I must pass the info along to my fellow reader (yes singular).

Q: Informer I am told you are currently sitting fifth place in your NFL Super Picks contest, which begs the question: How in the blue hell are you the best NFL picks guy on the internet but you can’t even win your own Super Picks contest?

To answer the first question; the reason I am in fifth is because the first three weeks of the season I decided to spot the competition a lead in order to make it more interesting. So basically I decided I would start 2-13 just to see if I can come back to win because I like to challenge myself to be better than the rest.

(The Informer note – Other than the 2-13 record nothing about the above paragraph was true. I didn’t start 2-13 on purpose. I did it because I was really bad at picking games the first three weeks of the season. And now I have to go 10-0 in order to finish in the Top 2. So I guess to really answer the first question, I would have to say it is all Obama’s fault.)

Q: Informer can you please wrap this up with your Week 16 NFL Picks so we can all go pretend to spend the holidays with our families?

That sounds good to me. Here are the picks.

NEW YORK GIANTS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (+2.5)

I don't even need to share my proof of picks tweet, because I took the Giants like a fat stupid idiot.

Pick: Giants (-2.5)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3)

The Redskins have to win out in order to have a chance at the postseason. The Bears have zero chance at the postseason and are simply playing for pride and a Matt Barkley contract extension. Seems like a no brainer to me.

Pick: Skins (-3)

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-3.5)

If believing Matt “The Gunslinger” Moore can’t go into Buffalo and lose by less than 3.5 points is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)

TAMPA BAY @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3)

The 2016 New Orleans Saints should not be favored over a team that has won five of its last six games. It is that simple.

Pick: Tampa (+3)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (+2.5)

I am following the little known rule that says: “Always bet against the non-playoff team who is coming off of a huge Monday Night football victory -- and thus is due for a letdown on Christmas weekend -- against a team that has a chance to lock up their division and is also supposed to be getting Julio Jones back healthy for the first time in three weeks.”

Pick: Falcons (-2.5)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-6.5)

Sam Bradford getting less than a touchdown on the road in Lambeau? Sign me up Scotty.

Pick: Packers (-6.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-16.5)

Bryce Petty getting less than 3 touchdowns on the road in Foxborough? Sign me up Scottie.

Pick: Patriots (-16.5)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+5)

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+6)

The Browns and Jags giving less than a touchdown to actual NFL teams? Sign me up Scottee.

Pick: Chargers (-6) & Titans (-5)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3.5)

Does anyone else think it is a gosh damn travesty that Andrew Luck is going to comeback from a lacerated kidney and lead the gawd awful Colts to 8 or 9 wins, while throwing for 4,000 yards, and yet he is not going to win the 2016 NFL Comeback Player of the Year Award because the National Media hates giving Andrew Luck awards?

And no, I am not just asking this because I may or may not have bet my 2001 Cadillac on Luck winning said award. 

Pick: Colts (+3.5)

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-3.5)

In the semi-changed words of Will Ferrell pretending to be Alex Trebek on SNL’s Celebrity Jeopardy: “And the NFL has reached a new low.”

Pick: Rams (-3.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ SEATTLE HGHAWKS (-7.5)

Here is my exact strategy on why I am taking the Seattle HGHawks in this game: On Thursday morning a Hawk tried to suicide bomb my dining room window, but instead of dying he knocked himself out cold for ten minutes. Then, after ten minutes of not moving, he slowly got to his feet, looked around, and then flew off to presumably go find another window to attack.

Now, if that is not a sign from the Tebow’s that The Informer must take the Hawks in Week 16, than I don’t know what is.

Pick: Seattle (-7.5)

CINNCINATI BENGALS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-1)

I am taking the Houston Texans solely based on the fact that I have been watching Macho Man Tom Savage interviews on Youtube all week and I think the guy is a real charismatic leader who will be a huge upgrade over that trash bag they have been starting the previous 14 weeks.

I mean seriously, watch this interview and tell me that you wouldn’t run through a wall for the Macho Man Tom Savage:

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Pick: Macho Man Tom Savage (-1)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-5.5)

If this game is not decided by a last second field goal than I do not know anything about football.

Pick: Ravens (+5.5)

DENVER BRONCOS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-3.5)

I really want to bet the Donkeys, because I love getting that half of a point, but one of the basic gambling rules that I follow simply states: “When the defense for the defending Super Bowl champs start complaining about how awesome they are, but how bad the offense sucks, to the point that there is almost a fist fight in the locker room --you must not bet that team on the road on Christmas night.”

Pick: Chiefs (-3.5)

DETROIT LIONS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-7)

If Detroit loses they are out of the playoff. If Detroit wins they control their own destiny. If Dallas loses they are still the number one seed and potentially hosting two playoff games in January. If Dallas wins they are still the number one seed and potentially hosting two playoff games in January.

Do you all see what I am getting at here?

Pick: Lions (+7)

That is a wrap y'all. I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah and most of all a wonderful holiday season filled with family, friends and winning parlays.

Records include Thursday Night Football