The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 5

Here are The Informer's Week 5 NFL picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon. 

NEW ENGLAND @ TAMPA BAY (+4.5)

My proof of Thursday night pick Tweet:

I’m taking New England (-4.5) for the game & Pats (-3) in the 1st half #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 5, 2017

Pick: Pats (-4.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-6.5)

I am going to bet the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday because the gambling rules state a person is always supposed to bet against the West Coast team flying to the East Coast and playing an eleven o'clock game.

Now, just to show this bet is strictly business and nothing personal against the Arizona Cardinals and their fans, I figured I would share two fun Arizona Cardinal facts that everyone should know heading into Week 5. 

1. Larry Fitzgerald is 66 yards away from moving past Steve Smith for the seventh most receiving yards in NFL history. 
2.  Carson Palmer needs two TD passes this week to pass Warren Moon for 11th all-time, and just 10 more TD passes to pass John Elway for 10th all-time. 

Like I said before, Arizona is definitely going to lose and not cover on Sunday, but hopefully their fans will be able to watch a little bit of history along the way. 

Pick: Eagles (-6.5)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (+3)

I know everyone wants to make fun of Jay Cutler for taking a smoke break in the middle of the game last week. But before you start making those disparaging remarks about a man exercising his rights to free smoking, I want you all to remember this: Jay Cutler has more career touchdown passes than Troy Aikman, Kurt Warner, Phil Sims, Joe Theismann, Roger Staubach and Tim Tebow. 

As far as the gambling goes; it is literally against my religion to illegally bet Matt Cassel as a road favorite over a desperate team playing their first “real” home game of the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Dolphins (+3)

NEW YORK JETS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (PK)

Here are The Informer’s “Im going to make fun of the Browns for sucking” jokes of the week:

Q: Did you hear about the Cleveland Brown’s football player who fell from his horse and was nearly trampled to death?
A: Luckily, the manager of the WalMart was able to come to the rescue and unplug the horse.

Q: How are the Cleveland Browns like a possum?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road! 

And finally,

The other day my wife was crying because the vacuum cleaner stopped working. Through the hysteria I did the only thing I could think of; I put a Browns jersey on the vacuum and wouldn’t you know it the damn thing started to suck again.

via GIPHY

Pick: Jets (PK)

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-1.5)

On Sunday Frank Gore needs four yards rushing to reach 13,256 career yards. If he accomplishes this feat, he will move past Eric Dickerson for 7th all-time in NFL history. 

Now, I don’t know what the official gambling rule book says about this situation, but my personal philosophy is that whenever Frank Gore is going to make NFL history the same day as the Colts franchise unveils a statue of Peyton Manning --I have no choice but to bet the Colts. 

Pick: Colts (-1.5)

BUFFALO BILLS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-3.5)

LeSean McCoy needs two rushing touchdowns this week to pass Ahman Green, Terrell Davis, Herschel Walker and the newly freed O.J. Simpson for career rushing touchdown. 

In the semi changed words of Forrest Gump: "That's all I have to say about that."

Pick: Bills (+3.5)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ DETROIT LIONS (-2.5)

Here are three fun facts about Panthers quarterback Cam Newton: 

1. Last week Cam Newton become the first quarterback in NFL history to rush for 50 career touchdowns. 
2. With two more rushing touchdowns, Newton will move into a three way tie for the 65th most rushing touchdowns in NFL history. 
3. And finally, if the former NFL MVP runs for 10 more touchdowns in his career, he would move into the Top 50 all time. 

Pick: Panthers (+2.5)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-7.5)

Sticking with facts about great quarterbacks in the NFL: Here are five absolutely made up facts inspired by the awesome “Blake Bortles Facts” twitter account:

1. Blake Bortles once beat "Drunk" Jay Cutler in a beer drinking contest.
2. Blake Bortles is Chuck Norris' biological father.
3. Blake Bortles and Batman have never been seen together in the same room. Coincidence?
4. Blake Bortles watched an entire season of 24 in 6.5 hours. 
5. Blake Bortles has never lost a game in Pittsburgh by less than 8 points (his only game against the Steelers he lost 17-9). 

Honestly, as great as the great Blake Bortles is (watching a full season of 24 in 6.5 hours is f*****g impressive), I just can't bring myself to look past the fact that he has never lost a game by less than 8 points against the Pittsburgh Steelers.  

Pick: Steelers (-7.5)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-3.5)

Ladies and gentlemen, it is officially time to skip over this week’s dumpster fire of atrociousness the NFL is calling a football game in order to hand out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:

Pick: Giants (-3.5)

SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-1.5)

I have absolutely no way to verify the accuracy of this statement, but I am pretty sure that this is the first time in his career (this will be the 11th game) that Russell Wilson has been an underdog against the Rams. 

Well, because the Rams have not been here before (being favored over a good team), I am going to stick to the "let's let them prove it before we Denny Green their asses" NFL gambling rule and take the HGHawks.

Pick: HGHawks (+1.5)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3)

The Ravens suck. The Raiders without Derek Carr suck. In turn this NFL contest literally sucks. 

And since that is all of the expert analysis I am prepared to give on this game: How about we use this section to hand out The Informer's Week 5 NFL Super Pick Contest selections and 10-point teaser of the week?

Super Picks Contest Selections:New England (-4.5) Bills (+3.5) Packers (+2.5) Seattle (+1.5) Chiefs (PK)

4 Team 10-point Teaser (all teams must cover to win): Steelers (+5.5) Panthers (+15.5) Packers (+15.5) and Chiefs (+13) . . . Bet $70 to win $50.

Pick: Ravens (+3)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-3)

Did you know Jason Witten is fourth all time in NFL history with 1,108 catches (trailing in order: Jerry Rice, Tony Gonzalez and Larry Fitzgerald)? Did you also know that Witten needs just six yards to move into the Top 25 for most career receiving yards?

Speaking of elite receivers and weird stats that I find interesting: Did you know heading into this game Dez Bryant has one more career touchdown catch than Packers great Jordy Nelson (69 to 68)? For the sake of clarity, it should be pointed out that Bryant has only played 101 career games compared to Nelson’s 125 games. 

Putting the obscure receiving stats aside and getting back to gambling business; on Sunday I will be following the NFL gambling rule that says whenever Aaron Rodgers is getting points against the Dallas Cowboys, I have no choice but to make Aaron Rodgers my Lion King Lock of the Week. 

Pick: LKLOTW Packers (+3)

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (PK)

The Kansas City Chiefs are 4-0 straight up, 4-0 against the spread and 4-0 in games that Kareem Hunt reaches 100 total scrimmage yards. Now, I can't speak for anyone else, but this "Chiefs being 4-0 thing" seems like a gambling trend I want to partake in. 

Pick: Chiefs (Pk)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3)

Here is The Informer’s final fun fact of the day:

Back in 1999 Cade McKnown -- the first bears quarterback drafted in the Top 15 since the Jim McMahon era -- started his first NFL game on October 10th during Week 5 of the 1999 NFL Season. In that game, the McKnown led Bears defeated the Minnesota Vikings 24-22. 

Fast forward 18 years and Mitch Trabanski -- the first Bears quarterback drafted #2 overall since the George Halas era began -- is starting his first NFL game on October 9th during Week 5 of the 2017 NFL Season against the Minnesota Vikings. 

So either this is the biggest coincidence in the history of the world (I don't believe in coincidences), or we are about to see NFL history repeat itself on Monday Night Football with a Chicago Bears rookie QB getting his first win, in his first start, against the Minnesota Vikings. 

#TheTrabanskiEraBegins #DABEARS

Pick: Bears (+3)

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 4

CHICAGO BEARS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-7)

Here is The Informer’s proof of pick tweet:

GB -7 With bookie, GB -7 Super Contest, Bears lose suicide contest Packers 2 win 5 team parlay & Packers -4 1st half #BearsTotallyWinning # pic.twitter.com/vUwQVDWUOL

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 28, 2017

Pick: Packers (-7)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (+3)

Over the past Fortnight I have been Sod Off by the fact that I am a Tosser who has Lost the Plot when it comes to picking Bloody NFL games. Hell, I have been Cocking Up so badly by handing out Crusty Dragon picks that I was actually thinking about quitting in order to become a Chap-Scrubber On the Pull for Starker Daft-Cows who don’t know the difference between their Knackers and Strawberry Creams.

But then I realized quitting would make me a complete Axe Wound who should be forced to Go to Her Majesty’s Pleasure just like all the Pounces that Filch from the Khazi Slappers who give you Nookie for money. So, because I didn’t want to be a complete Areshole Axe Wound, I decided I am going to get back to being Aces by betting against The Dog’s Dinner Plastered Jay Cutler.

Now, don’t get your Knickers in a Twist Miami fans, I love the Plastered one as much as the next guy, but the fact remains this Miami Dolphins offense is going to See a Man about a Dog on Sunday; which means they will not be Up for it against the high scoring Saints offense.

Again, I am not arse over tit for this pick, but Before you Bite your Arm off, please keep in mind the Dolphins -- who are playing their third straight road game -- have been All fur coat and no knickers in 2017 so I have no choice but to Leg over the points and take Drew Brees while making myself a couple of Easy-peasy Quids.  

Bob's your uncle. 

Pick: Saints (-3)

(After the pick bonus reason to take Saints: Remember back in 2006 when Drew Brees wanted to sign with the Miami Dolphins, but the Dolphins thought Daunte Culpepper was a better QB? Yea, in the gambling business I like to call slights like “Daunte Culpepper is better than the only guy in NFL history to have multiple 5,000 yard passing seasons” extra motivation. Also, here is a link if you would like to decipher exactly what I said above.)

BUFFALO BILLS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-7.5)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (-1.5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ TAMPA BAY (-3)

Now that we got the London game behind us, here is a new section of the blog that I like to call "I am betting three road dogs because I am a f***ing moron who drinks too much". 

Pick: Giants (+3) Eagles (+1.5) Bills +7.5)

LOS ANGELES RAMS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-6.5)

I don't ever bet against the Hall of Famer Dak Prescott at home. Especially when they are playing a team who 10 days ago gave up 39 points to Brian Hoyer and the San Francisco 49ers. 

Pick: Cowboys (-6.5)

DETROIT LIONS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-2.5)

Here are five Scientific facts that prove everyone needs to bet the Minnesota Vikings at home on Sunday:

The Earth is not round, it is a trapezoid.

Dinosaurs were invented by Stephen Spielberg.

Water makes you weak. 

The Ailiens built the Eiffel Tower in 1974.

Case "The Gunslinger" Keenum is the greatest quarterback who has ever lived.

You literally can't argue with Science folks. 

Pick: Vikings (-2.5)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-9)

For the first time in the history of my life, I am picking against Tom Brady in back to back weeks. In other words: The bluest of blue hells are officially freezing over. 

Pick: Panthers (+9)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ NEW YORK JETS (+3.5)

NFL gambling rule 312 clearly states "when Blake Bortles is a road favorite you grab the points no questions asked". 

Pick: Jets (+3.5) 

CNNCINATI BENGALS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+3)

I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!

Pick: LKLOTW Bengals (-3)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (+3)

This game is going to be won by a last second field goal, so I am going to grab the home underdog and hope that field goal comes from Justin Tucker. 

Pick: Ravens (+3)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (+1.5)

If the Tennessee Titans are going to win the AFC South, then they eventually have to beat the Houston Texans for the first time in Marcus Mariotta's career.

Pick: Titans (-1.5)

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-6.5)

In the name of completely ignoring this absolute abortion the NFL is calling a football game . . . Here is the Blimpies Best meme of the Week:

#ClassicMikeGlennonIsSmokinJayCutlerInDisguiseMeme

Pick: Cardinals (-6.5)

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-2.5)

The Informer's joke of the Week:

Q: If you are driving down the road and see an Oakland Raider riding a bike why do you make sure not to hit him? 

A: It is probably your bike. 

via GIPHY

Pick: Donkeys (-2.5)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ SEATTLE HGHAWKS (-13)

Well, since this is quite possibly the worst Sunday Night game in the history of the NFL, now seems like the perfect time to share with the world my Week 4 NFL Super Picks contest selections and my money-line parlay of the week. 

Super Picks: Green Bay (-7) Bengals (-3) Dallas (-6.5) Seattle (-13) Kansas City (-6.5)

Money-Line Parlay: Patriots, Cowboys, Bengals, Ravens, Falcons & Chiefs (10 to win 90)

Pick: HGHawks (-13)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-6.5)

Did you know? 

• Eric Dickerson ran for an NFL rookie record 1,804 yards in 1983. 
• Only four rookies in NFL history have rushed for over 1,600 yards in a season (Dickerson, George Rogers, Alfred Morris and Ottis "My Man" Anderson).
• Alfred Morris is the only rookie to rush for over 1,600 yards since 1983. 
• In 1984, during his second season as a pro, Eric Dickerson set the NFL record with 2,105 rushing yards. 

I am sharing these stats so I can point out that Kansas City rookie phenom Kareem Hunt -- who is the only player in NFL history to start his career with at least one 50-yard TD in each of his first three games -- has 401 yards rushing through three games. 

For you math majors; that puts Hunt on pace to not only become the fifth rookie in NFL history to break 1,600 yards rushing, but he is also on pace for 2,139 yards which would break the all-time rookie record and the NFL record for most rushing yards in a season.

Now, I am not saying Hunt is going to keep this up, but I am saying that through three NFL Weeks the Chiefs rookie is my 2017 NFL MVP. 

And since Hunt is my MVP, I have no choice but to follow the "never bet against a future 2017 NFL MVP at home in his first Monday Night Football game" rule. 

Pick: Chiefs (-6.5)

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 2

Q: Dear Informer how does it feel to go 3-11-1 with your Week 1 NFL Picks?

It does not feel good.

Q: Hey Miss-Informer, why do you suck so bad at picking NFL games against the spread? I mean you were 3-11-1 last week. Do you even watch football?

Am I allowed to blame the damn war and that lying son of a b**ch Johnson for my terrible picks? As for the second question; yes I do watch football.

Q: Informer if I ever see you walking down the street I am going to stab you in the eye with a soldering iron. That is how much money you cost me with your sh**ty NFL picks. Seriously, you should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell with Dan Marino.

Are you asking a question, or just making a general statement about how my life is going to change if we ever meet?

Q: Because I am someone who knows how much you suck at life, I decided to bet against you the entire day last week and ended up making so much money that my wife actually let me have extra marital relations with her. So I just wanted to say thank you for what you do. Also, if it is not too much to ask, could please keep up the sh*tty work? You truly are making some people's lives better with your utter incompetence and stupidity. 

As you can see there was a wide range of emotions stemming from my gawd-awful Week 1 performance. And to be honest, after starting last week 0-9 (seriously 0-9?), I felt the exact same way as everyone else. I was so disgusted that I was ready to give it all up. I was going to quit drinking the Natties. I was going to stop eating the Blimpies, And most importantly; I was going to stop Informing the people and just fade into Bolivia with Mike Tyson.

But as I was going to my travel agent's website to book my flight something funny happened. I accidentally clicked the wrong button and instead of going to my agent's home page (I don't have a travel agent) I was re-directed to the "stats" page for my blog where I saw something that took away all my feelings of doubt, regret and shame.

Do you want to know what I saw?

I saw that despite handing out the worst picks in the history of the world, last week's article was still the most viewed NFL picks article I have ever written.

And, well, once I saw that people were still reading despite my horrendous record; I decided then and there that I was never again going to let one bad week spoil all the great picks we have had over the past 10 seasons.

In other words; last week I may have sucked more than a hoover vacuum on cocaine, but that is not going to keep us from making the 2017 NFL Season great again. So with that in mind, here are The Informer’s 2017 NFL Picks: Week 2.

As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and no regard for human life.

HOUSTON TEXANS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-5.5)

Here is The Informer’s proof of loss pick Tweet:

Give me Bengals (-6) and game over 38 #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 14, 2017

Pick: Bengals (-6)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-7.5)

Y'all want to here a funny "The Informer sucks at gambling" story?

On Friday night I placed a money-line wager (means the team just has to win) on the Cleveland Indians and lost the bet.

Now, for those of you who don’t follow baseball, let me explain why this is so funny. You see, up until Friday night the Indians had been on a 23 game winning streak. Basically, they were unbeatable and the safest bet in sports history. That is of course until I jumped on the bandwagon and single handedly took down their pursuit of history.

Anyways, to make a long hilarious story short while getting back to football, what I am trying to say is f*** Cleveland and I hope LeBron James goes to Los Angeles to play with Kobe Bryant in 2018.

Pick: Ravens (-7.5)

BUFFALO BILLS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-7)

As you can see from the above story, at this current time me and gambling are mixing about as well as Lamb & Tuna fish. But as the old gambling saying goes: "Sooner or later my bookie is going to break my knee caps, so I might as well pull a Bud Kilmer (aka stick to the basics) and bet the home favorite with the better quarterback."

Because if there is one thing I have learned in 10 years of writing this article, it is the fact that betting the obvious home favorite with the better quarterback is what The Informer does best.

Pick: Panthers (-7)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+1)

If the Tennessee Titans are going to win the AFC South and make the leap like I predicted last week, then they must win this game against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Pick: Titans (-1)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+7)

The answer is 11.

The question was: How many Natties would I have to drink before I was drunk enough to pick the
Indianapolis Colts to cover a football game without Andrew Luck?

The answer is 2.

The question was: How many minutes did it take for me to immediately regret my drunken life choice and switch my pick from Colts (+7) to Cardinals (-7).

Pick: Cards (-7)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-6)

I have very few rules in life, but one of them is too always bet the Kansas City Chiefs the week after they beat the New England Patriots while securing their spot as the greatest team in NFL history.

Pick: Chiefs (-6)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (+6)

There is literally no way to verify or fact check this statement, but I am pretty sure Bill Bellicheck has never lost a game following a week where his team is coming off an embarrassing blowout loss to the greatest team in the history of the NFL.

Pick: Patriots (-6)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-5.5)

The Minnesota Vikings are traveling on a short week, after a huge Monday Night Football win, and thanks to a "Sam Bradford bum knee" there is a chance their quarterback is going to be Case Kenum or Zack Morris’ best friend Kyle “A.C.” Sloter.

Call me crazy, but this game – if Sam Bradford is not healthy -- has all the makings of a Pittsburgh boat race. Which is why I am making the Steelers this week’s Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Steelers (-5.5)

CHICAGO BEARS @ TAMPA BAY (-6.5)

I apologize for the up coming rant, but as I was typing this paragraph the Oklahoma Sooners decided to throw an 83-yard touchdown pass with less than three minutes left in a game they were winning by 35 points.

Please re-read that last sentence again.

It says that instead of running the clock out and winning the game by 35 points, the Sooners threw an 83-yard touchdown pass on 1st f***** down just so they could cover the point spread. Seriously, who in the bluest of blue hells does that? The damn game was over. Have some f****** class and run the Gawd damn ball so I can push my Tulane (+35) bet you motherless mother ********!!!

Seriously, I hate your stinking Oklahoma guts. You make me vomit. You are the scum between my toes. 

Pick: Bears (+6.5)

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (-4)

Drunk Jay Cutler getting four points on the road the week after his first game since retiring was cancelled due to a Hurricane? You had me at “drunk”.

Pick: Dolphins (+4)

NEW YORK JETS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-13.5)

Speaking of the great drunken one, here is this week’s Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

Pick: Raiders: (-13.5)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-3)

Last week the Los Angeles Rams scored 46 points against the dumpster fire known as the Indianapolis Colts and now everyone thinks they are going to beat the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl 52?

In the words of someone more famous than I: “Grow up Peter Pan.”

How about we let them beat an actual NFL team before we go Denny Greening their asses the second best team ever?  Would that be okay with everyone?

Pick: Redskins (+3)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ DENVER BRONCOS (+2.5)

As long as Zeke Elliot is not suspended, I am riding the Cowboys.

Pick: Dallas (-2.5)

SAN FRANCISCO @ SEATTLE HGHAWKS (-14)

I am taking the Seahawks because they are a better football team, with the better coach and a better HGH dealer (allegedly).

Also, since there is absolutely no good reason to keep talking about this game, I thought now would be the perfect time to share my favorite money-line parlay (means you pick teams just to win, no point spread involved) and my Las Vegas Super Picks contest selections for this week.

Parlay: Steelers, Ravens, Patriots, Packers & Lions (A $150 bets wins $1930)

Las Vegas Super Picks: Steelers (-5.5) Ravens (-8) Cowboys (-2.5) Packers (+3) & Raiders (-13.5)

Pick: HGH Hawks (-14)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-3)

As you can see from the above section, I am following the “never bet against Aaron Rodgers as an underdog in Primetime” rule.

Pick: Packers (+3)

DETROIT LIONS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (+3.5)

Last week I had a number of people (one person) notice that I did not mention the 1st half under in primetime and they wanted to know why?

My answer to that question is this: I did not mention the 1st half under in primetime because Vegas was starting to catch on and I did not want our free money making bet to be destroyed by the Vegas mob. So from now on, just because I am not writing about it, does not mean you and I should not be betting it.

Like I said at the beginning of this article; stick to the basics and keep doing the right thing with the best bet in football --and at the end of the day you will make money.

Pick: Lions (+3.5) & the you know what (u21.5)

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 1

Q: Hey Informer are you seriously going to let the 2017 NFL Season start without giving your readers a fun facts, stats and useless information article?

Of course not. In fact (pun intended), here are 15 of The Informer's funnest most useless stats for the upcoming 2017 NFL Season.

1. Martavias Bryant has 14 touchdown in 21 career games. To put that in perspective that is more TD receptions through 21 games than Julio Jones (12), AJ Green (9), Marvin Harrison (10), Larry Fitzgerald (11), Antonio Brown (1), Michael Irvin (7), Cris Carter (8), Dez Bryant and Jerry Rice (9).
2. Also to put the above stat in perspective, the great Randy Moss caught 20 touchdowns in his first 21 NFL games. 
3. Antonio Gates (who has 111 career TD receptions) needs to catch one TD pass this season in order to break a tie with Tony Gonzalez for the most touchdowns by a tight end in NFL history.
4. Frank Gore is 619 yards away from passing LaDaninian Tomlinson for fifth all-time rushing yards. For those wondering, the only time Gore has rushed for under 619 yards in a season during his 12-year career was his rookie season when he finished with 608 yards rushing.
5. Sticking with the ageless wonder; if Gore reaches 1,000 yards rushing this season he will join Emmitt Smith, Curtis Martin, Barry Sanders and Walter Payton as the only backs to rush for 1,000 yards in 10 different seasons. 
6. Drew Brees is 5,829 yards away from breaking Peyton Manning’s NFL record for passing yards.
7. Tom Brady is 4,262 yards behind Drew Brees.
8. If Adrian Peterson rushes for 1,00 yards he will surpass Thurman Thomas, Franco Harris, Marcus Allen, Edgerin James, Marshall Faulk, Jim Brown and Tony Dorsett to move into ninth place all time.
9. If Larry Fitzgerald records his ninth 1,000 yard season, he would move into third place for most receiving yards in NFL history.
10. Aaron Rodgers needs four TD passes to move past John Elway for 10th all-time. Once that happens Rodgers will join Brees, Brady, Eli Manning, Philip Rivers and Big Ben in the Top 10 in NFL history for career TD passes.
11. Carson Palmer and Philip Rivers each need to pass for 3,000 yards to join Brees, Brady, Eli and Big Ben on the Top 10 career passing yards' list.
12. Odell Beckham Jr and Javaris Landry are each entering their third NFL season with 288 career receptions.
13. With that said; it should be noted that the ODB has racked 4,122 yards and 35 TD, compared to Landry’s 3,051 yards and 13 TD.
14. Speaking of Beckham: Did you know that through 43 NFL games the only players with more TD catches than Odell are Rob Gronkowski (41), Jerry Rice (38) and Randy Moss (37)?
15. And finally, did you know Randy Moss is the only player in NFL history to have three season with 17 or more touchdown catches? Also, he is the youngest player in NFL history to reach 100 TDs for a career. He is second all-time with 157 TD catches. And he owns the NFL record for TD receptions by a rookie (17) and touchdown receptions for a single season (23).

Q: Enough with the made up stats Informer, lets get down to the business of what we are doing here today: What are your boldest of bold predictions for the 2017 NFL Season?

If you want bold, I will give you bold.

1. A.J. Green will lead the NFL in receiving yards.
2. Drew Brees will add to his NFL record by throwing for over 4,500 yards for the eighth straight season (Peyton Manning is second all-time with five straight +4,500 yard seasons).
3. Aaron Rodgers will win the 2017 NFL MVP.
4. The six NFC Playoff teams will be: Seattle Seahawks, Green Bay Packers, Dallas Cowboys, Atlanta Falcons, Carolina Panthers and the New York Giants.
5. The six AFC Playoff teams will be: New England Patriots, Pittsburgh Steelers, Tennessee Titans, Kansas City Chiefs, Cincinnati Bengals and Oakland Raiders.
6. New England will beat Green Bay in the Super Bowl.
7. Kareem Hunt will win the Rookie of the Year.
8. Speaking of Hunt; I think the Kansas City rookie will fumble his first career carry, but then redeem himself by becoming just the third player in NFL history to have 150+ yards and 3 TDs in his first NFL start (joining Marshall Faulk 1994, and Billy Simms 1980). 
9. For the sixth time in his NFL career, Alex Smith will have a 300-yard passing game.
10. And finally, I do not think the New England Patriots will go undefeated.

Q: Wait one flipping second Informer. Did you just hand out four bold predictions based on a game that was already played? Is that what you are doing now? Waiting for a game to end and then writing articles where it makes it look like you actually predicted the outcome? That is a new low even for your drunk ass. You should be ashamed of yourself you fat ignorant hillbilly.

You can call me all the names you want, but these are all legit bold predictions that I totally came up with on my own before my new favorite team the Kansas City Chiefs dethroned the New England Patriots on live national television.

Q: That is f*****g horses sauce and you know it Informer. You are nothing more than a lying drunk bandwagon jumping little man who makes sh*t up to try and feel better about the fact that you suck as a writer and nobody likes you. Well Informer, I am not going to let you get away with it. I want you to show us your "Proof of pick" tweet for the Thursday Night Football game right f***ing now, so we can all see what a fraud you truly are?

Sure I will show my tweet. I got nothing to hide:

I am taking the Kansas City Chiefs (+9), the Chiefs moneyline and the 1st half over 24.5 #ThursdayNightFootball #PatsVsChiefs

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 9, 2017

Q: For f**k sakes Informer!!! That tweet was clearly posted on Saturday, September 9th. Seriously man what is wrong with you? Just admit that the Natty Lights have finally killed all of your brain cells so you must resort to being a worthless drunk liar.

Ummmmm . . . Since this is obviously my "deflategate" moment in history where I am going to dig in and never admit my lies: Why don't we wrap up the mailbag and get to The Informer's  Week 1 2017 NFL Picks?

As always please gamble with reckless abandoned.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-8.5)

The Informer's TNF proof of pick tweet:

I am taking the New England Patriots (-8.5) the 1st half under (24.5) and the game over 48.5 total points #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 7, 2017

Yikes, that is a painful way to start the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Pats (-8.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-8.5)

Oh look at this; we made it to the first Sunday game of the 2017 NFL Season and we have already found the worst game of the year. Welp, since we are obviously not going to talk about this garbage Jet-Bills game, I guess that means we need to hand out this week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

#ClassicKD

Pick: Jets (+8.5)  

ATLANTA FALCONS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+6.5)

Teams that blow a 28-3 Super Bowl lead do not come out flat in Week 1 the very next season. On the contrary they come out pissed off and ready for revenge. At least that is what I am predicting is going to happen with the 2017 Atlanta Falcons (You know since no team in the history of the world has ever blown a 28-3 Super Bowl lead before). My gut is telling me that this team is too healthy and motivated in Week 1 to have any issue with the Mike Glennon led Bears.

Pick: Falcons (-6.5)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ CINNCINATI BENGALS (-2.5)

I think 2017 is going to be A.J. Green's greatest year as a professional football player. I also think that greatness starts Week 1 at home against the banged up Baltimore Ravens.

Pick: Bengals (-2.5)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+9.5)

Martavias Bryant is a young Randy Moss like star. Antonio Brown has three straight season with at least 106 receptions. The Steelers defense is going to be legit. Big Ben is 21-2 in his career versus the Browns. LaVeon Bell is fully healthy and playing Week 1. Oh and did I mention the Browns are still the Cleveland Browns? Yea . . . Don't over think this one.

Pick: Steelers: (-9.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ DETROIT LIONS (+2)

Bruce Arians is greater than Jim Caldwell. Larry Fitzgerald is greater than Lions WRs. David Johnson is a possible 2017 NFL MVP. And finally, Arizona is healthy after their disaster 2016 season while the Detroit Lions are the same team that lost three straight games to finish 2016. Add it all up and the math says I am taking Arizona and laying the points on the road.

Pick: Cardinals (-2)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-5)

Okay so I started a thing on twitter this summer called "The Informer's joke of the Day". Its my new running bit where I go on the internet and try to find jokes that make me laugh, then I share them on my account for all to read. Now, since most of these jokes are at the expense of the hapless Jacksonville Jaguars, I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to share five of my favorites from the summer.

Here goes . . .

Q: Did you hear the C.I.A sent Blake Bortles over to North Korea?
A: They figured he was the only guy in the world who could overthrow Kim Jong-Un.

Q: Why doesn't Blake Bortles use the telephone anymore?
A: Because he couldn't find the receiver.

Q: What do the Oakland Raiders and the L.A. P.D. have in common?
A: Neither one can stop a Bronco.

Q: Why did Tony Romo cross the road?
A: To get to the hospital. (Too soon?)

Q: If you have a Dallas Cowboys running back, wide receiver and defensive player in the same car: Who is driving?
A: The Police.


via GIPHY
Pick: Texans (-5)  

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-2.5)

I know the Titans have become this year’s hipster sleeper playoff team (I did just pick them to make the playoffs six paragraphs ago), but I feel like I need to point out the fact that the Tennessee Titans have an absolute brutal 10 game start to the season.

Seriously check it out:

Raiders (very loseable), Jags (win) Seattle (loss), @ Houston (they will be underdogs), @ Miami (loseable), Colts in Primetime (Andrew Luck is 9-0 career vs Tennessee) (@ Browns (win), Ravens (toss up), Bengals (toss up), @ Steelers (loss), @ Colts (See above 9-0 stat).

Listen, I am not saying they won't make the playoffs, but I am saying maybe we should see how they handle themselves against the “super bowl contending” Oakland Raiders in Week  1 before we go Denny Greening their asses the Cinderella's of the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Titans (-2.5)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (+1.5)

I am following the gambling rule that says to always take the home underdog when the points are 2.5 or less.

Pick: Skins (+1.5)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-4.5)

I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE F*****G JARED GOFF LED LOS ANGELS RAMS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!!

Pick: Lion King Lock of the Week Rams (-4.5)

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-3)

Obviously this is the hardest game of the week to pick. I honestly have been going back and forth chugging Natties trying to figure out what to do. And after about six or seven tall one, I have finally decided that The Informer's gambling rules clearly state I am not allowed to ever bet against Aaron Rodgers at Lambeau. So, because the rules are the rules, I will be betting the Packers on Sunday in the preview of the 2017 NFC Championship game.

Pick: Packers (-3)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+5)

If my children no longer have a college fund at the end of Sunday it will be because I was wrong about the Brian Hoyer led 49ers going up against the Carolina Panthers.

Pick: Panthers (-5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-4.5)

This game will come down to a last minute field goal. And the last time I checked field goals are only worth 3-points, which is obviously less than 4.5.

Pick: Giants (+4.5)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-3)

If Adrian Peterson does not score a touchdown in this game I will stop drinking Natty Lights for a period of 24 straight hours. I swear to Tim Tebow I will do it.

Pick: Saints (+3)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-3)

I am picking the San Diego Chargers because when I was in the second grade the brother of Chargers linebacker Kyle Emanuel came to my birthday party where we watched Wrestlemania VII and ate yellow cake with pink frosting. And while I don't know exactly how that fact matters to the outcome of a NFL game, I also can't come up with a single scientific reason why it is not going to be the most important factor in the outcome of this NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE game.

Sooooo . . .

Pick: Chargers (-3)

That is a wrap folk. I hope you all have a great opening day Sunday. May it be filled with Natty Lights, winning bets and all of the Blimpies free gambling money can buy.

The 10 Greatest Kobe Bryant Facts Ever

Since tonight -- April 13th, 2016 -- is going to be the last NBA basketball game Kobe "The Black Mamba" Bryant is ever going to play; The Informer thought now would be the perfect time to share with the world his Top 10 All-Time Kobe Bryant facts.

So without any further, let's talk about the Mamba.

10A. Kobe scored at least 60 points on five different occasions, including one game where he scored 62 points in three quarters against the Dallas Mavericks.

10B. Also, just for the sake of being factually correct, the only other player in NBA history to have more 60 point games than the Mamba is Wilt Chamberlain; who had 32 such games.

10C. Finally, since we are being factually correct, it should be noted that during his 62-points in three quarters game, the Dallas Mavericks as a team scored 61 points. That is right, Kobe Bryant single handedly out scored an entire NBA team. 

9. Kobe scored 50+ points on 24 different occasions. To put Kobe's scoring in perspective; that is more than Steph Curry, LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird combined.

8A. Kobe was the first player in NBA history with 30,000 points and 6,000 rebounds.

8B. It should also be noted that he is currently 3rd all-time on the NBA career scoring list behind only Karl Malone and Kareem Abdul Jabar.

8C. Oh and don't forget, his 81 points in a single game against the Toronto Raptors in January of 2006, is the most points scored by any NBA player not named Wilt in the history of basketball.

7. Kobe once led the Lakers to the playoffs despite the fact that Kwame Brown was his starting center. The Informer is not making this fact up. There is video evidence on the internet and everything.

6. He was drafted by the Charlotte Hornets with the 13th overall pick, and was then traded to the Lakers for the one and only Vlade Divac.

5. Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself "The Black Mamba". I mean seriously: How awesome do you have to be to give yourself your own nickname and then have the rest of the world not only accept it, but love it?

4. Kobe Bryant -- the musician -- released the single greatest rap single in the history of music featuring Tyra Banks called K.O.B.E.

3. One time Kobe Bryant committed a homicide on Steve Nash.

2A. Kobe is one of only three players in NBA history to average at least 40 points per game for an entire month. In case you were wondering; he accomplished this feat four different times.

2B. Speaking of 40 point games: Did you know that Kobe scored at least 40 points against every single NBA team at least one time in his career?

And finally, The Informer's favorite Kobe fact of all-time is . . .

1. During the 2005-06 season Kobe joined Michael Jordan, Wilt and Rick Barry as the only players in NBA history to average at least 35 points per game for an entire season.

Honestly, there is no other way to say it other than: "Kobe Bryant is, was, and always will be 'The Mamba'.

#ThankYouMamba #GOAT!!!

The Informer's All NBA Playoffs Mailbag

Raise both your hands if you are the 2017 NBA MVP.

As always, please keep in mind that all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q: Hey Informer did you retire from writing? I mean you have not published an article in over a month. So what gives man? Did you finally realize it is pointless for you to put out articles because there is not a single person in the world who gives a sh*t about your opinion? Or, are you just a lazy, fat, alcoholic who has been slacking on his duties?

Honestly, I think it is probably a combination of the two. But hey, since we are here, how about The Informer breaks out an All-NBA Mailbag for his readers? Would that make up for a month’s long absence?

Q: Okay Informer if you want to make it up to us, how about you answer the most important question of 2017 right of off the bat: Who is the 2017 NBA MVP?

Russell Westbrook is the 2017 NBA MVP. The reasoning is simple; you don’t become the second player in NBA history to average a triple-double for the entire season while leading your team to the playoffs without Kevin Durant and not win the NBA MVP Award. 

That would be asinine.

Q: But Informer, what about the fact that the Thunder only won 46 games? That has to matter right? I mean no MVP in the last 30 years has won the award on a team that has won less than 50 games.

Sure, no one in the past 30 years has won the MVP while also playing for a team that won less than 50 games, but you know what else has not happened in the past 30 years? A f**king dude posting 42 triple-doubles while averaging a triple-double for an entire season.

Q: Come on Informer all the advanced stats show that James Harden had a more impressive year and his team won more games; therefore he is the MVP. Why can’t you just admit you are an overweight alcoholic who is wrong about the 2017 NBA MVP.

Did James Harden lead the league in scoring, finish in the Top 10 in rebounding while also averaging double digit assists and scoring 30 points a night? Did James Harden become the only player in NBA history to score at least 57 points while also posting a triple-double? Did James Harden become the first player in NBA history to record 42 triple-doubles in a season? If the answer is no to any of these questions; than that means he is not the MVP because there is a guy in the NBA who did in fact do all those things.

Q: Wins have to count for something Informer, and the fact is James Harden’s team had more wins than Russell Westbrook’s. So your “triple-double argument” is a mute point you moron. Again, no one is saying Russ was not spectacular this season, what we are saying is his numbers don’t mean as much because his team only won 46 games. Sorry bud, but your boyfriend is going to lose.  

So based on that argument, what you are really saying is that either Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green, Kevin Durant or Zaza Pachulia should win the 2017 NBA MVP. You know, because they were starters on a team that won 66 games? Honestly, I’m actually okay with that. From now on no one can be the NBA MVP unless their team has the most wins. Stats, game winning shots, advanced metrics, hot takes; none of that matters anymore. The best player on the team with the most wins always gets the MVP no questions asked. 

Q: Zaza Pachulia as the MVP? Now you are just being petty and ridiculous Informer. I mean seriously, why can’t you admit that James Harden’s historically great season produced more wins than Russ’s historically great season and that is why he is the MVP?

As I just said, if the number one argument you have contains the words “more wins”, than you have no choice but to pick someone from the Warriors to be your MVP. Just saying, you can’t sit here and argue that Harden should be the MVP over Russ -- with lesser stats -- because his team has more wins without saying Curry should be MVP over Harder -- with lesser stats -- because the Warriors have more wins than the Rockets.

Q: Fine Informer, you are correct. Russell Westbrook should be the unanimous MVP. I sincerely apologize for doubting you. Please forgive me. Also just in case you were wondering, I am totally lying. I am not going to ever agree with you, because you are nothing but a fat drunk sack of human waste who probably didn’t even watch the Rockets play one basketball game this year so you have no clue how valuable James Harden was.

That is where you are wrong sir. I clearly remember watching at least three James Harden games this year where his team lost to the Golden State Warriors. 

Q: I hate you Informer.

I know, but your feelings toward me have nothing to do with the fact that Russell Westbrook is hands down the 2017 NBA MVP.

Q: Hey Informer can we please stop talking about regular season awards and start focusing on the fact that the best two months of the years are about to begin? With that in mind, what is your favorite first round playoff match-up?

Well, obviously I can’t wait to watch Russ destroy James Harden in the Western Conference. So that would be number one on my list. And as far as the Eastern Conference goes, I am excited to see if Giannis “The Greek Freak” Ant******* can be the best player in four of seven games and lead the Milwaukee Bucks to a first round upset over the Toronto Raptors. 

Now, with all that said, this is the NBA Playoffs, which means every game is going to be freaking awesome (excluding any games involving Dwight Howard of course).

Q: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much slobbering over LeBron James are we going to have to read about from you in these playoffs?

I would say it is at least going to be an 8 out of 10. But that could change if/when Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry and Russell Westbrook get eliminated. But make no mistake about it, I will be paying homage and speaking the praises of King James every chance I get.

(P.S. - For those wondering, my NBA Playoff rooting order goes: Durant, Russ, Steph & then LeBron. Also, it should be noted that coming in dead last for umpteenth time is Dwight Howard.)

Q: Do you have any Playoff bets for the degenerates out there who are reading this?

I sure do, but before I give them away I feel I should explain to anyone reading that these picks are to be used for recreational purposes only. In no way shape or form does The Informer condone the practice of illegal gambling with websites like Sportsbook.ag, Bodog.eu, or any other online website that lets you place illegal wagers.

Okay, now that we have the disclaimer in place, here are a five prop bets I would be putting money on if betting were legal and I hadn’t just bought my bookie a brand new lawn mower.

• Warriors to win Championships (-220)
• Spurs to win Championship (+900)
• Wizards to win Eastern Conference (+1000)
• Cavs to win Eastern Conference (-260)
• Thunder over Rockets (+360)

Q: Speaking of predictions Informer, who is going to win every first round series and why?

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Cleveland vs Indiana: The Cavs will win this series because they have LeBron James.

Milwaukee vs Toronto: The Raptors are probably going to win, but my gut feeling says the “Greek Freak” is going to be out of this world great pushing this series to seven games.

Atlanta vs Washington: Washington wins because I hate Dwight Howard.

Chicago vs Boston: I think the veteran Chicago Bulls squad will be able to win two, maybe even three games, but in the end the Celtics will avoid the upset and move on to round two for the first time since the “Big 3” era.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Portland vs. Golden State: Warriors in five.

Oklahoma City vs. Houston Rockets: I am taking OKC because Russell Westbrook is the 2017 NBA MVP.

Utah Jazz vs. Los Angeles Clippers: I got to go with the Clippers experience here.

Memphis Grizzlies vs. San Antonio Spurs: As the old saying goes; death, taxes and the San Antonio Spurs making the second round of the NBA Playoffs.

Q: Last question Informer: Who is going to win the NBA Finals?

I have the Golden State Warriors beating the San Antonio Spurs in the Western Conference Finals and the Cleveland Cavaliers beating the Washington Wizards in the Eastern Conference Finals. Then in part three of the Warriors vs LeBron trilogy; I have the 2017 NBA Finals MVP Kevin Durant leading the Golden State Warriors to a 4-1 series victory.  

Final Answer: The Golden State Warriors will be the 2017 NBA Champions.

Can anyone stop Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry and the 2017 Golden State Warriors?