Tuesday, August 5, 2014

30 REASONS WHY ESPN NEEDS TO MAKE A "30 FOR 30" ON THE 1990s NEBRASKA CORNHUSKER DYNASTY


The other day on Twitter someone asked this question: Why hasn’t ESPN done a 30 for 30 on the 1990's Nebraska Cornhuskers

Now, my first thought was this is a very valid question. Then of course, my second thought was: Seriously, how in the hell has this 30 for 30 not been made yet? I mean we are talking about one of the greatest dynasties college football has ever seen.

That is why today, in the hopes of persuading the people at ESPN, The Informer is going to break out 30 reasons why this story about a team, a state and a culture needs to be shared with the world. As you will see throughout this article the story of the 90's Huskers is one that has everything needed to make a great documentary; scandal, power, greatness, adversity, triumph and tragedy. 

So without any further ado, here are The Informer’s 30 Reasons Why ESPN Needs To Make a 30 for 30 on the 1990's Nebraska Cornhuskers.

30. Eric Crouch

I am not the biggest Eric Crouch fan, but the fact that he started his career at Nebraska in 1998 and then went on to become the only Husker quarterback to ever win a Heisman trophy (albeit in 2001-02) makes his inclusion on this list of reasons mandatory. 

Also, Crouch get's bonus points for doing this to the state of Iowa . . .





29. Matt Turman

If you were a Nebraska fan in the mid 90s then I guarantee you were a fan of the “Turmanator”.

Not only was Matt Turman the most popular third string quarterback in the history of college football (reason enough to get on this list), but the guy actually started and won a game against a ranked opponent (a 17-6 victory over Kansas State) during the Huskers first national championship run in 1994.

Just saying, I do not remember too many championship teams in his lifetime that could start a third string “walk-on” quarterback against a Top 20 team and still win the game. That is how good Nebraska -- and Turman for that matter -- was in the mid 90s. 

28. Oklahoma Breaks Mickey Joseph’s Leg

The last game of the 1990 regular season pitted the arch-rival Oklahoma Sooners against the Nebraska Cornhuskers on the Friday after Thanksgiving. The Informer remembers this day well because it was the day those damn thug Sooner’s illegally hit Mickey Joseph 10 yards out of bounds causing the Husker QB to go flying into the sideline benches. Mickey would later be diagnosed with a broken leg and his career as starting quarterback for the Huskers was over. 

Joseph may have had his career cut short because of cheap Sooner plays, but I will never forget watching #2 lead the Huskers to a 9-2 record as a starter in 1990. And hopefully -- once this 30 for 30 airs -- the proper chargers for assault can be brought against those Oklahoma thugs whose cheap shot cost Mickey his chance at becoming a Husker legend. 

27. Bullet in the Butt

Before The Informer found out that Forrest Gump had been shot in the buttocks during the Vietnam War, the most famous “bullet in the butt” story I knew about was Nebraska wide receiver Abdul Muhammad; who played his entire career with a bullet in his caboose. 

Call me crazy, but that is a back story (get it?) The Informer would be interested in learning more about.

26.  Corn-fed Lineman

They were all big. They were all fast. They were all stronger than everyone else. And apparently they all loved to eat corn. 

25.  Running Back U

Off the top of my head, here is the list of great running backs that played for the 90s Huskers: Derek Brown, Calvin Jones, Lawrence Phillips, Clinton Childs, Damon Benning, Ahman Green, Jay Sims, Dan Alexander and Correll Buckhalter.

That is a murderer’s row of talent ladies and gentlemen.

24. Matt Davison’s Remarkable Catch



23. The Great Games

Whether it was the 1994 Nebraska-Colorado (2 vs. 3) game, the 1995 Orange Bowl against the Miami Hurricanes (1 vs. 3), or the 1993-94 FSU-Nebraska championship game (FSU won 18-16, more on that in a minute) the 90s Huskers were involved in some of the most historic college football games of all time. 

These great games alone (losses included) would provide more than enough material for a two hour 30 for 30.

(The Informer note - The Washington Huskies, Colorado Buffaloes, Oklahoma Sooners, Miami Hurricanes, Florida State Seminoles, Kansas State Wildcats, Tennessee Volunteers and the Florida Gators all played against Nebraska in the 90s while they were ranked in the Top 10.) 

22. Terrell Farley 

I am not going to lie, I absolutely loved #43. He was some kind of hybrid linebacker who was faster than everyone else on the field. Now, due to old age and years of Natty Light abuse, my memory has become a little hazy, but I am pretty sure that one season Farley finished with 20 touchdowns and 50 sacks.

Honestly, to this day, I have no idea how Farley did not become the second coming of Lawrence Taylor

21. Sellout Streak

In recent years many have commented that Nebraska maybe cooking the books when they mention their ridiculous 51-year sellout streak. But make no mistake about it, in the 90s there was no harder ticket in college sports to get than the one for Memorial Stadium on Saturdays. 

20. The Tunnel Walk

Does this not give you chills?




19. Tradition of Walk-ons

If you wanted to play football for Nebraska you could. All you had to do was enroll at the school and walk onto the team. Anyone and everyone was welcome. 

Truth be told, it was the Nebraska walk-on program that helped make playing at Nebraska an experience unlike any other in the country. And it is definitely something that will make for a great story-line in this documentary. 

(The Informer cool stat of the day that he read on the internet and has no idea if it is true – Over the course of Nebraska football history there have been 30 Husker walk-ons who made it all the way to the NFL.)  

18.  The Fullbacks

Who didn't lovedCorey Schlesinger (scored two touchdowns in the 94 National Title Game against Miami) and the brothers Makovicka (Jeff and Joel). From 1992 through 1998 these three guys were the epitome of what Nebraska football was all about –hard-nosed smash mouth football. 

17. Winning Tradition

In the 90s Nebraska never won fewer than nine games. In six of the seasons they finished with 10 or more wins. And if you count “Unclaimed National Championships” Nebraska won the title five times in the decade.

If you looked up the definition of winning in the 90s, there would be a picture of the “Big Red” logo.

(PS – I have no idea who gets to vote on unclaimed national titles. It was just a stat on the Husker’s Wikipedia page that said Nebraska has unclaimed titles for the 1993 and 1999 seasons so I decided it has to be true because the internet said it was.)

16. The Inaugural Big 12 Title Game

In 1996 the Huskers were on the verge, despite an early season loss to the Arizona State Sun Devils, of making it to their fourth straight national championship game. The only problem was they still had to get past the Texas Longhorns in the inaugural Big 12 Title Game

Well . . . Thanks to a gutsy fourth down call by Texas Coach John Mackovic, the game did not turn out the way Husker fans would have hoped. Unfortunately that stomach punch loss also happens to be a great story-arch for anyone contemplating doing a 30 for 30; which is why I had to bring it up in this article. 

15. Beating Peyton Manning

Not only did Nebraska beat Peyton Manning and the Tennessee Volunteers in the 1997 Orange Bowl, they destroyed him. Some people to this day say that Manning’s big game struggles can be traced back to that beating the Huskers gave him. 

It has also been reported on the internet (by sources) that Manning wakes up in the middle of the night begging Grant Wistrom and the Peter Brothers to take it easy on him. 

(The Informer note – I completely made up the part about Manning having nightmares about the Huskers and the fact that Nebraska causes Peyton to struggle in big games. But the Huskers did beat Manning to earn a share of the 1997 National Championship which is pretty cool considering the guy is hands down one of the greatest to ever play the game.)

14. Scandal’s Galore

“Informer, in order for there to be a 30 for 30 there has to be some kind of scandal. No one wants to watch a documentary about a squeaky clean coach who got his team to play at the highest level possible. We want scandal?"

Oh you want scandal . . . The 90s Huskers can give you scandal. 

How about Lawrence Phillips getting kicked off the team for allegedly dragging his girlfriend down a flight of stairs and then being allowed to return to the team in time for the national title game? 

What about numerous reports of All-Pro players having run-ins with the law while playing at Nebraska? 

And let’s not forget, there was more than loud chatter about the Huskers legendary weight lifting program throughout that time #STEROIDS (allegedly). 

The truth of the matter is; this was a college football team playing at the highest level with volatile personalities that ultimately led to a number of things people would consider scandalous. Such as; drinking, drugs, fights, sexual assaults, attempted murders, harassment, police cover-ups, coaches cover-ups, cheating, etc. 

The thing is we didn’t hear about many of these things because back in the early 90s the media was not like it is today –where everyone is out trying to break a story. Back then the media and the police (allegedly) would help in the cover-ups so that the program would not be hurt. Right or wrong, that is just how things (allegedly) worked during that time period. 

It wasn’t until the Phillips story became national headlines, in most part because he was a Heisman front runner at the time of being kicked off the team, did people start realizing the Husker program was not nearly as squeaky clean as many outsiders thought. 

So to answer the question: Nebraska has its secrets. They just need to be uncovered. 

13. Trev Alberts

Before he became one of the biggest busts in NFL history, Trev Alberts was one of the greatest college football linebackers of all-time. That is not an over exaggeration. 

12. Frank Solich Replaces a Legend

Frank Solich won at least nine games in five of his six seasons as the head coach for Nebraska. Frank Solich finished in the Top 10 in three of his six seasons and he made a bowl game every year as the head coach for Nebraska. Frank Solich was named the Big 12 coach of the year two times during his time as the head coach for Nebraska. Frank Solich was 58-19 (.753 winning percentage) as the head coach for Nebraska. Frank Solich was fired after six successful seasons as the head coach for Nebraska.  

11. The Black Shirts

I kinda feel like mere words would not do "The Blackshirts" justice. So instead, here is a video.  



10. Ahman Green 

Ahman Green was the first Husker running back to rush for 1,000 yards as a freshman (his 1,086 yards is still a record for first year backs at Nebraska). And even though Green was great from the moment he stepped on campus, the thing that ultimately made him one of the all-timers is that he followed up his first year with even better second and third seasons. 

When it was all said and done Green finished his career with 3,880 yards; which is currently the second greatest rushing career in Husker football history. In any and every conversation about Nebraska football, Green has to be mentioned as one of the best to ever step onto Tom Osborne Field. 

(The Informer noteMike Rozier owns the Nebraska rushing record with 4,780 yards. But the thing you need to remember is Green left Nebraska after three seasons. Just saying, if Green would have stayed for his senior season it is very conceivable that he would have left Nebraska as their all-time leading rusher. In fairness, it should also be noted that Rozier racked up his impressive 4,780 yards in just three seasons; as he played his first season of college ball at Coffeyville Junior College in Kansas before transferring to Nebraska.)

9. Scott Frost

Did you know that Scott Frost was hiding in the closet (allegedly) the night that Phillips got into trouble for assaulting his girlfriend? Did you know that at the time Frost was attending Stanford University instead of the university in his home state of Nebraska? Did you know that once Phillips left Nebraska, Frost transferred home and eventually led the Husker to a national title

Doesn’t that sound like a story you would like to hear more about? 

8. Lawrence Phillips

Lawrence Phillips was the best college running back I have ever seen play. He had size, speed, quickness and running ability like no one I have seen before or since. There is no doubt in my mind that with a couple of different decisions Phillips would have become one of the greatest football players of all time.

Sadly the story of Phillips is not so much about his greatness, but more about the fact that he is currently spending 31 years in prison. 

Obviously, there have been many different ESPN 30 for 30s about athletes who never quite made it for one reason or another (the one on Oklahoma running back Marcus Dupree is absolutely superb), but I can honestly say the Phillips story maybe the worst case of squandered greatness he can ever remember.

Lawrence Phillips was that dominant of an athlete while he was at Nebraska.

  

7. The 1993 National Title Game

What if I told you that the Nebraska Cornhuskers were a 45-yard field goal away from winning three straight national titles? What if I told you that Nebraska would have won the game despite the missed field goal if a referee hadn’t called a phantom block in the back penalty during Corey Dixon’s punt return for a touchdown in the first quarter? What if I told you that Bobby Bowden paid the refs off which is why all the calls went Florida States way? 

Okay, so I may have made up one of those what-ifs. But the other two are completely true. The 90s Huskers were a couple of calls and one bad kick away from being back to back to back national champions.
 
6. The Battle Against the State of Florida

In the 90’s Nebraska played Florida State three times (losing all three) Miami twice (1-1) and Florida once (1-0). These matchups were always exciting because the Florida teams were known for speed and flair, while Nebraska was always known for toughness and strength. 

Naturally, the contrast of styles between the Florida schools and Nebraska always made for great football games. And at the end of the day, I feel pretty comfortable saying that the Huskers biggest rivalry during this time was definitely the state of Florida.  

5. Back To Back National Champions

Since the 1950’s only seven teams have won back to back national championships; Oklahoma (50s and 70s), Alabama (60’s, 70s and 2011-12) and Nebraska (70s and 90s). We are literally talking about a team that was one of the elite teams in the history of college football. 

4. Tom Osborne

Tom Osborne is the Mount Rushmore of college football coaches. 

3. Tommie Frazier

I have only one question about the great Tommie Frazier: How in the bluest of hells did Eddie George win the Heisman trophy in 1995 over the greatest college quarterback to ever play the game? Seriously, Frazier finishing second in the Heisman voting is the biggest sports award travesty in the history of college football. 

Heisman robbery aside, Frazier is the only player in college football history to be named the MVP in three straight national championship games. He was Big 8 freshman of the year in 1991. He was a consensus All-American in 1995 and he also won the Johny Unitas Golden Arm Award that year. And finally; Frazier is a college football Hall of Famer who finished his career with a ridiculous 33-3 record as a starter, four conference titles and two national championships. 

By all accounts, “Touchdown Tommie” is the greatest player to ever play at Nebraska and arguably one of the greatest college football players of all time #TouchdownTommieFrazier . . .



2. The Rise and Fall of a Dynasty

The Rise

Nebraska started the decade on a 20 year championship drought, only to finish the 90s with three titles. Furthermore, if a few breaks would have gone their way, we would be talking about a team that won three straight national championships and four total in five years (if they would not have missed the field goal in the 93 Orange Bowl). 

Nebraska’s 60-3 record from 1993-97 is the best record over a five year stretch in college football history (Alabama is currently 60-7 over its last five years).

Also, from 1991 to 1998 Nebraska won an astounding 47 straight home games. On top of that, from the end of the 1992 season to the beginning of the 1996 season Nebraska was 39-0 in the regular season. 

Please read that last paragraph again. They went 47 straight home games without losing and they did not lose a regular season game in over four years. That is damn near unbelievable considering they are a football team playing in Lincoln, Nebraska.
 

The Fall

In the 17 years since Tom Osborne retired, Nebraska has only played for the national title one time –a 37-14 shellacking (it was 34-0 at halftime) at the hands of the Miami Hurricanes during the 2002 Rose Bowl.

The fact is since the turn of the century Nebraska is no longer the juggernaut that dominated the college football landscape for an unprecedented ten year stretch. Maybe it started with the firing of Frank Solich (an Osborne guy) and the hiring of Bill Callahan (the anti-Tebow), but whatever the reason the Nebraska dynasty lost its way during the 2000s. 

Only now, once again under the watchful eye of Dr. Tom the A.D. (Osborne has since retired but the resurrection started when he came back), has the Husker program started to make strides towards getting back into the national conversation.

The rise and fall (and hopefully the rise again) is the main reason I think there needs to be a 30 for 30 made about this team. Because it is not every day a dynasty comes along and falls apart in front of our eyes; which is exactly what has happened to the Nebraska program over the past 24 years.  

In closing, no matter how you slice it; there needs to be a 30 for 30 about the 1990s Nebraska dynasty. It was a dynasty that had everything: a great leader; great players; tragedy; scandal; heartbreak and triumph on a national stage; great characters; highs and lows; but most of all it was a dynasty that transcended football by bringing together an entire state of people every Saturday (it still does this today) to do one thing –yell GO BIG RED!!!

And just in case ESPN is still not convinced: Did I mention that during the 90s Nebraska fielded the greatest college football team of all-time . . .



1. Brook Berringer

Brook Berringer was the backup quarterback to Tommie Frazier, who subbed in during the 1994 season after Frazier was sidelined due to a blood clot. All Berringer did during this time was win games with a collapsed lung (against Oklahoma State) while helping to lead the Huskers to an undefeated season and their first of back to back national titles (Frazier made it back in time for the national title game leading to he and Berringer splitting snaps during Nebraska's 24-17 victory over Miami). 

When Frazier came back healthy in 1995, instead of sulking or trying to transfer; Brook reprised his role as back up and all around great teammate. In every sense of the way, Berringer was one of the players that stood for everything that was right about Nebraska football. He was a great teammate, worked hard, did things the right way and when his number was called he was always ready to step up and shine. 

On April 18th, 1996 Brook Berringer tragically died in a plane crash.

To this day, April 18th, 1996 remains one of the saddest days I can remember having in my 25+ years of watching sports. 

Berringer maybe gone, but he will never be forgotten. 

Thursday, March 20, 2014

The Informer Breaks Down the 2013-14 NBA MVP Race Between Kevin Durant and LeBron James


Just so we are all clear, the next statement The Informer is going to make is not a bold prediction –it is a statement of fact. 

Are you ready? 

Kevin Durant of the Oklahoma City Thunder is the 2013-14 NBA MVP

This is a statement of fact because the OKC superstar has led his team to the top of the West division while averaging 31ppg 8rpg and 5.5apg. Basically, this season KD has been a better version of 2008 LeBron James (The year James won his first MVP after averaging 28-8-7). 

The problem is, over the past month LeBron has decided to step his game up and all of the sudden the once obvious conclusion of “Durant for MVP” has in some peoples mind (wrongfully) turned into an argument about LeBron over KD.

In the words of ESPN’s Lee Corso, “Not so fast my friends.”

While LeBron has been great for the past month, do you know who else has been great –Kevin Durant.  Just take a look at their last ten games (The stretch that has everyone saying LeBron has turned up the heat –pun intended) and you will see what The Informer is talking about. 

  KEVIN DURANT

LAST 10 GAMES
POINTS
REBOUNDS
ASSISTS
GAME 1
29
5
12
GAME2
41
10
9
GAME 3
36
10
2
GAME 4
43
12
7
GAME 5
28
8
3
GAME 6
42
3
10
GAME 7
28
10
9
GAME 8
37
6
5
GAME 9
28
6
5
GAME 10
42
9
3
TOTAL AVERAGES
35.4
7.9
6.5

LEBRON JAMES

LAST 10 GAMES
POINTS
REBOUNDS
ASSISTS
GAME 1
31
8
12
GAME 2
13
7
5
GAME 3
37
9
3
GAME 4
36
13
9
GAME 5
42
9
6
GAME 6
33
7
3
GAME 7
31
4
4
GAME 8
20
9
7
GAME 9
61
7
5
GAME 10
22
6
1
TOTAL AVERAGES
32.6
7.9
5.5

Does anyone else find it interesting that during LeBron’s so called “MVP stretch of basketball”; Durant’s numbers across the board are better? 

Furthermore, the thing that stood out the most about these stats is LeBron has three games in this stretch with 22 points or less, including one 13 point game. 

The Informer has to ask: How in the bluest of H.E. double hockey sticks does the most dominate basketball force since Wilt Chamberlain get held to 13 points in 39 minutes? The only logical answer is he gave the minimum effort needed to win the game and nothing more.
This is the biggest problem The Informer has against any LeBron for MVP argument. He has too many games where he gives minimum effort to win. The Informer is talking about games where he scores less than 20 points, grabs 5-8 rebounds while dishing out a handful of assist. Yes, for an average to a good player that is a great night. For the best player in basketball, who averages 28-7-7 for his career, it is a “minimum effort” game. 

The Informer note – LeBron has seven games this season where he scored less than 20 points while grabbing fewer than 10 rebounds and dishing out less than 10 assist. Now, The Informer realizes LeBron only averages 7rpg and 6apg so it is no surprise he would have less than ten of each in said games. However, my point is that even on the nights when “The King” isn’t scoring, he is not picking his effort up in other areas to compensate for his lack of offense. 

Listen, The Informer is not faulting LeBron for his “minimum effort” games. The Informer understands James is going to coast during the regular season at times because his end game is championships, not regular season wins. 

To be honest, The Informer has absolutely no problem with this strategy. 

The thing is, if you are going to employ this strategy and someone else comes along and averages 31-8-5 over the course of an entire season you can’t be upset when that guy ends up being called the best player, or in this case the MVP. 

Again, The Informer is not saying LeBron is no longer the best in the world when it comes to overall talent, what The Informer is saying is the MVP is a year to year award based on who played the best basketball for that 82 game stretch. 

Judging by the first 59 games, the best player in “This” season has hands down been KD.
And as long as Durant stays remotely close to his averages for the next month, then when a perspective voter looks at all the numbers they will have no choice but to name Kevin Durant the 2013-14 NBA MVP. 

Like The Informer said before, Durant winning the MVP is not a prediction –it is a statement of fact.

Monday, March 11, 2013

"Twilight Breaking Dawn Part Deux"

(Hey guys remember this article actually ran a week ago at www.alphaentertainmentonline.com check out the site for all your movie book mma and prowrestling needs and wants. . . Its a bad ass site check it out. . . And enjoy Twilight)

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II is the fifth installment of the franchise that follows young human Bella and her vampire boyfriend Edward through a tumultuous love affair.

In Part Two. Bella has given birth to a baby and been transformed into a full-fledged vampire.

We follow along as Bella’s world has been changed, so she is trying to adapt to her  new life.

Along the way we find out that Bella’s friend Jacob, who can turn into a wolf, is also dealing with his new life assignment of protecting her daughter. It’s a wolf thing, don’t ask.

“Informer, what in the hell are you doing?”

A straight foreword movie review of Twilight Breaking Dawn part 2. What does it look like?

“Your joking right?”

In a word, Yeah! Of course I am joking.

Listen, instead of trying to give some coherent review about “Breaking Down Part II” (Impossible) I am just going to give you the rambling thoughts I had while watching. I apologize ahead of time, there is no rhyme or reason for a ramblings article.\

Things The Informer Thought While Watching Breaking Dawn Part II:

I was a little nervous going into this viewing, because I had only watched  two of the twelve Twilight movies, but since this was Breaking Dawn Part II, I figured I would be able to catch up when they did their “Previously on Breaking Dawn Montage.”

You guys remember those from shows like The OC and Beverly Hills 90210 right?. . Teen Dramas always catch you up with a “Previously On Montage.”

So you could imagine my surprise when Breaking Dawn decided to skip the montage and go straight into Bella Brooding. Apparently the “Previously On” montage guy was on vacation they year they made Part II.
The good news, Bella’s brooding didn’t last long (don’t worry it comes back later) because she is now a full fledged vampire. Of course this means her and Edward can have unlimited sex. Not kidding, the first thirty minutes of the movie is them talking about Vampire Sex.


When I mentioned this to my imaginary wife, she got mad because she thought I wanted to watch a Kristin Stewart sex tape. . .  I did what any good husband would do in this situation, I started talking about Taylor Lautner taking his shirt off.

Five minutes later, Lautner was putting the moves on Bella’s dad by stripping naked and turning into a wolf. Now, I am not sure what kind of fetishes you guys are into, but Lautner taking his shirt off and turning into a wolf is slowly climbing my charts. Wait. . . That’s not right.

Moving on, can someone explain to me the obsession with hand-holding in the Twilight world? The whole movie was people going around and holding hands. It was freaking weird? Is hand-holding a Vampire thing? Can someone clarify this for me?

Speaking of weird, the CGI baby was creepy. They say no babies are ugly, well that is not true. Sorry to Bella and Edward, your ugly fake baby that grows up to date your best buddy has no alibi. . .  SHE UGLY!
Ok, I am not saying Twilight was the greatest movie ever, but anytime your climatic scene is Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart having a starring contest you know you have cinematic gold on your hands.

Add in the arm wrestling scene where Bella kicks some dudes ass and then celebrates by punching a volcanic rock, well you are on the right track to having the best movie ever made. I am not joking, vampire arm wrestling.

Informer Note – Being a self proclaimed former professional arm wrestler, I loved watching Bella and her perfect homage to Sly Stallone in “Over the Top”.

Speaking of getting your head ripped off, there is a part where the bad guy kills the Cullen’s dad (The Good Guys) by ripping his head off. It actually had me and my wife up in arms. What a twist. Unfortunately, it turns out that was not the twist,  because the climatic fight scene is only  a vision and doesn’t really happen.

Oh, I am sorry, did I spoil the movie? You’re Welcome.

Anyways, which means quiet down the Informer is brooding, the final scene doesn’t actually happen.

They pull a “Who Shot JR” moment and turn it into a dream sequence. Honestly, my wife hasn’t been this disappointed since our wedding night… Easy guys, I meant because the chicken got over cooked, get your heads out of the gutter.

(For those that don’t remember the 1980’s show Dallas, they had a season that finished with their main character being shot. . . Only when the show got picked up for a new season they had to change the story line so they turned it into a Patrick Duffy dream. I am not making that up, Patrick Duffy was actually in another TV shows besides “Step by Step” who new right? Also for those wondering, Brooding is where you make a face like your really upset and or concentrating really hard while being constipated. Now that we are all on the same page this mid article thought can stop. )

But seriously, who in the blue hell makes the final climatic ending to an “18 Movie Series” a dream sequence. I felt a little like Andy after he spent two years with the sisters. . . AKA Violated.

Then again, since I didn’t actually watch all 34 chapters of the Twilight series it wasn’t that bad for me, but there has to be some pretty upset teenage girls out there.

My other complaint is how did Twilight go from being 90210 with vampires to Kristen Stewart brooding and Dakota Fanning Starring at me until I am uncomfortable?

You do have to give Stewart credit though, she should have been given an Oscar for her performance as the worst actress of all-time. She pulled out all the stops. Between brooding and giving terrible lines, it was awe-inspiring to see someone so dedicated to their role as the worst actress in the history of vampire and teenage dramas.

Somewhere Shannon Doherty is sitting at home yelling at her TV “I’m the moody teenage girl who can’t act or tan dammit.”

Did I mention that Bella’s daughter grows up to date Jacob?

We know this because at the end they have a flash forward to the future montage. So for those scoring at home we know what is going to happen in the next Twilight movie, but they couldn’t give us a freaking refresher montage?

For the love of Dracula, the movie was 118 minutes long, there could have been one gosh damn here is what you missed montage? Did we really need the four minute scene of Edward playing the piano. Just saying, next time skip the piano and give me the montage.

I apologize, I really cant get over the montage thing, but I bet if you asked all of the Twilight feigns out there they would agree with me.

As long as we are asking questions,  how in the blue hell do you spell FEEN? Is it Fein? Phene? Phien? I really have no idea? Hold on let me brood for a second maybe ill figure it out.

Thanks to some major BROODING, and Google search of “Crack Feen” I found out it is spelled FIEND. Now that we got that covered lets get back to Dakota Fanning staring at me awkwardly.

She has no lines in the movie. She just stares at you. I kept waiting for her to tell me she sees dead people. . .  Whats that? Wrong childhood star? Sorry I may have been over served tonight.

Speaking of being drunk, I highly recommend you try and watch this movie sober. I took the challenge and lasted a full seven minutes, all the way to the point where Bella is going to eat a human and Edward stops her so she jumps off a cliff.

At that point I handed my wife the car keys and opened the Natties. No, I wasn’t planning on drunk driving, I gave my wife the car keys so I would not drive off a cliff. . . (Yes that is a “This Movie Was So Bad It Made Me Want To Drive Off A Cliff Joke”)

“Informer are you really going to just make random bad jokes for this entire article? Its called a movie review? Do your job you bum. Breaking Dawn Part II is a love story everyone can relate to”
Wow figment of my imagination, I think you may need counseling. First you want the jokes, now you want the review. Could you please make up your mind?

But ok, let me give you a quick rundown of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II. . .

Bella and Edward have a child but in order for Bella to live she was turned into a vampire by Edward.
Since she is now a vampire their old enemy who is now their buddy, the shirtless wolfman, has been sent to protect the child that other Vampires think maybe a Lucifer baby.

Then the bad guy vampires come to fight the good guy vampires, who are getting help from the wolf people. Before they can fight however, one of the good chicks holds hands with the bad guy who then dreams a vision where he dies so the bad guys decide to retreat.

Bella and Edward live happily ever after while their daughter grows up to fall in love with the shirtless wolfman.

That pretty much covers it.

Here are the five best parts of Twilight:

1. The stare down between Bella and Dakota Fanning.

I was on the edge of my seat because it’s a well known fact that vampires don’t have to blink, so this literally could have went on for ever. Luckily one of the wolf people intervenes and bites Fanning’s head off making Steward the winner.

That really happens, kind of. Since it was actually a dream it didn’t happen, but for a minute my wife was clapping and yelping with joy. In her words after we found out it was a vision, “Wait, so the wolf didn’t really bite Dakota Fanning’s head off?”

2. When the movie ended. . .  Just kidding. . .  But no really when the credits started rolling my eye stopped twitching, so I could only assume my stroke was over.

3. The scene where all the good guy vampires come together to say they will fight. I thought it was the best scene in the movie even if they did steal it from the “Mighty Ducks.”

Remember that scene in Mighty Ducks 2 after captain blood leaves and Gordon Bombay once again becomes a great coach the kids go around in a circle and say how they will fly together as ducks and then they go out and beat Iceland?

Well Twilight did that exact scene right down to the part where Edwards yells “When the roosters crow and the cattle are scattering to the barn, Vampires Fly Together.”

4. The end of the movie look back at Bella and Edward.

Those two kids were so in love.

I feel it is my job to point out that in real life Kristen Stewart and the guy who played Edward used to be lovers. Until Stewart cheated on him.

So when I was crying at the end while screaming “She is going to break your heart Edward, don’t trust her” it wasn’t me talking about Bella and Edward as much as it was me talking about Stewart and Edwards real life name. So see, I didn’t get emotionally invested in Twilight, I was invested in their real life. There is a difference.

5. They left room for a sequel – I don’t know if you guys caught this, but at the end two of the good guy vampires warn the Cullen family that the bad guy vampires will never give them peace, they are falling for the trap.

So, fingers crossed we still have a chance for Twilight Breaking Dawn Ninety One and a Half Part Deux.
I know I will sleep better tonight knowing that there is still a chance.

Informer Note- For factual sake this is supposed to be the final chapter in the Twilight saga. That is why they did the fast forward to the future montage. All jokes about this being the best movie ever aside, please for the love of the eight pound ten ounce bearded baby Jesus, let this be it. I can’t take anymore brooding.

At the end Bella says to Edward “We Don’t Have Much Time”

Edward responds, “We have forever.”

That is a great way to end this reviews, because I have forever to live with the memory that I sat down and watched Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II voluntarily.

“Informer that doesn’t make sense, you said you would never give a bad movie review?”

Well Mr. Fake reader, the good news is I did not give a bad movie review. What I just did was show you a vision of what could have happened if I were to watch Twilight and then write a movie review about it.

I didn’t really write this review. It was all a fake dream sequence. So my claim that I would never write a negative review is still true.

You feel cheated don’t ya? Now you know how I felt.



THE INFORMER REVIEWS TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART II: PART TWO

Maybe I should have mentioned this before, but this fake vision of a movie review is actually two parts long.
Unfortunately, just like the movie I have nothing new to add so I am just going to sit and Brood for awhile, and maybe try holding hands.

Brooding. . .

Brooding. . .

Still Brooding. . .

Holding hands trying to get you guys to see my vision. . .

Back to Brooding. . .

A little more Brooding. . .

And. . .

TWILIGHT!!!!!!!

Like I said Breaking Dawn Part II really SUCKED!!! (Bad Vampires Sucking Blood Pun Intended)