Saturday, December 24, 2016

The Informer's Christmas Mailbag and Week 16 NFL Picks










Ladies and gentlemen welcome to The Informer’s Christmas Mailbag and Week 16 NFL Picks. As always, please keep in mind that almost all of these questions came from actual made up readers.
Q:Mr. Informer why is your article not getting posted to The Schmozone this week? Did they finally realize you were an overweight talent-less hack before canning your ass?
Here is the deal; as I am writing this there are only a few hours until kickoff and I don’t have internet access without turning my wife’s cell phone into a mobile hotspot -- which cost me upwards of $10 for every twenty minutes it is on – so by virtue of lack of time and internet, I decided that the best way to get The Informer’s Week 16 NFL Picks article published was by using my old website.
This way the picks still get posted before kickoff to keep their integrity intact, my boss does not have to hustle edit one of my articles (it is not an easy job considering The Informer has no idea how grammar and punctuation actually work) and most of all I can get as drunk as humanly possible and say whatever the hell I want because absolutely no one is going to waste their time reading therealinformer.blogspot.com on Christmas Eve.
So to answer the question; no I was not fired for being an overweight talent-less hack. I am still a proud Schmo, we are just taking a detour for this Holiday weekend.

Q: If a drunk middle aged blogger is 40 games over .500 when it comes to picking NFL games against the spread, but not a single person knows about said record because nobody on the face of the Earth reads this complete trash you call a blog, does it really count?
Let me counter your question with a question: If a tree falls over in the middle of an empty forest and nobody is around, was it still kicked over by Chuck Norris?

Q: Informer what in the hell are you talking about? Do you think Chuck Norris just goes around kicking down trees? Your analogy makes zero sense as usual. With that said, are you really 40 games over .500? How is that even possible? Aren't you supposed to be a drunk rambling moron?
Well, technically The Informer is 41 games over .500, but who is counting? And as for as how it is possible, I would just like to remind the world that through Tim Tebow anything is possible.
Q: Hey Informer, do you think the Dallas Cowboys offensive line should win the 2016 NFL MVP?
Is that a serious question? Are you on drugs or just plain f****** stupid? For f*** sakes man. It is called Most Valuable "Player" award. Not Players. Or Unit. Or Offense. Or team. It is an individual award. Which means that it must go to an individual f****** player. I mean cheesus f******* cripes man, who comes up with these asinine ideas/questions/theories?
Q: If the Dallas Cowboys offensive line is not the answer, then who is the 2016 NFL MVP?
Ezekiel Elliot, duh. He is the best player, on the best team, and has the numbers and big plays to back up him winning the award.
Q: But Elliot does not even have the best numbers for a running back. That would be David Johnson. So how is Johnson not the MVP?
Well, if you replaced Elliot with say Darren McFadden would the Cowboys be 12-2 and the 1st seed in the NFC right now? The answer is no. But if you replaced David Johnson with Darren McFadden would the Arizona Cardinals still be a team in the race for a Top 10 NFL Draft pick? The answer is probably. Therefore, because Johnson is a good stats bad team guy, he can’t be the MVP.
Q: Informer your logic makes no sense whatsoever. You just said that the award is based on individual performance and then said Elliot wins the award over Johnson because he has a better team. Can you please explain why you are contradicting yourself?
I guess the lesson as always is I am an alcoholic.
Q: Informer what is your all-time favorite Christmas movie?
With all due respect to Christmas Vacation, Die Hard, ELF, Bad Santa, A Very Brady Christmas, Charlie Brown, Prancer, Santa With Muscles, Tim Allen’s The Santa Claus, Jingle All the Way, One Night in Paris, Lethal Weapon, Ernest Saves Christmas, Scrooged, Miracle on 34th Street, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and A Christmas Story; I have to say that my favorite Christmas movie ever is Home Alone.
Q: Informer did you really put One Night in Paris on your favorite Christmas movie list? Isn’t that the X-rated porno starring Paris Hilton?
Ummmm . . . It was a typo? I mean, I was just checking to see who was still reading. Yea that works better. I was just checking to see if anyone was still reading. I was in no way saying that the Paris Hilton *** tape is one of my favorite Holiday movies.

 #NeverGonnaGiveYouUp
Q: Hey Informer, do you remember the best Christmas you ever had?
You bet I do. In fact here are my Top 3 Christmas’ in order.
  1. Xmas 1994 – Santa gave me roller blades, a Super Nintendo and the Super Nintendo version of Tecmo Super Bowl football.
  2. Xmas 1997 – Also known as the year Santa gave me my first Randy Moss #84 Vikings jersey; which I still have and wear by the way.
  3. Xmas 1990 – Santa hooked me up with a Joe Montana jersey, football pants and a 49ers plastic helmet. This was also the year that my pops started a lifelong Christmas tradition by giving me my first box of 1990 Pro Set football cards (FYI - - Sunday will mark the 27th straight year my Pops has given me football cards for Christmas).
Q: Dear Mr. Informer, did you know that every NFL game that has scored over 33 points in the first half has then went on to stay under the projected second half line this season? You have to check it out and spread the word to your degenerate readers.
I obviously have no way on Earth to fact check to see if this is an accurate stat or not, but there have now been two people who have brought this phenomena to my attention, so I am going to go ahead and say it has to be true and therefore I must pass the info along to my fellow reader (yes singular).
Q: Informer I am told you are currently sitting fifth place in your NFL Super Picks contest, which begs the question: How in the blue hell are you the best NFL picks guy on the internet but you can’t even win your own Super Picks contest?
To answer the first question; the reason I am in fifth is because the first three weeks of the season I decided to spot the competition a lead in order to make it more interesting. So basically I decided I would start 2-13 just to see if I can come back to win because I like to challenge myself to be better than the rest.
(The Informer note – Other than the 2-13 record nothing about the above paragraph was true. I didn’t start 2-13 on purpose. I did it because I was really bad at picking games the first three weeks of the season. And now I have to go 10-0 in order to finish in the Top 2. So I guess to really answer the first question, I would have to say it is all Obama’s fault.)
Q: Informer can you please wrap this up with your Week 16 NFL Picks so we can all go pretend to spend the holidays with our families?
That sounds good to me. Here are the picks.
NEW YORK GIANTS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (+2.5)
I don't even need to share my proof of picks tweet, because I took the Giants like a fat stupid idiot.
Pick: Giants (-2.5)
WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3)
The Redskins have to win out in order to have a chance at the postseason. The Bears have zero chance at the postseason and are simply playing for pride and a Matt Barkley contract extension. Seems like a no brainer to me.
Pick: Skins (-3)
MIAMI DOLPHINS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-3.5)
If believing Matt “The Gunslinger” Moore can’t go into Buffalo and lose by less than 3.5 points is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.
Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)
TAMPA BAY @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3)
The 2016 New Orleans Saints should not be favored over a team that has won five of its last six games. It is that simple.
Pick: Tampa (+3)
ATLANTA FALCONS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (+2.5)
I am following the little known rule that says: “Always bet against the non-playoff team who is coming off of a huge Monday Night football victory -- and thus is due for a letdown on Christmas weekend -- against a team that has a chance to lock up their division and is also supposed to be getting Julio Jones back healthy for the first time in three weeks.”
Pick: Falcons (-2.5)
MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-6.5)
Sam Bradford getting less than a touchdown on the road in Lambeau? Sign me up Scotty.
Pick: Packers (-6.5)
NEW YORK JETS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-16.5)
Bryce Petty getting less than 3 touchdowns on the road in Foxborough? Sign me up Scottie.
Pick: Patriots (-16.5)
TENNESSEE TITANS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+5)
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+6)
The Browns and Jags giving less than a touchdown to actual NFL teams? Sign me up Scottee.
Pick: Chargers (-6) & Titans (-5)
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3.5)
Does anyone else think it is a gosh damn travesty that Andrew Luck is going to comeback from a lacerated kidney and lead the gawd awful Colts to 8 or 9 wins, while throwing for 4,000 yards, and yet he is not going to win the 2016 NFL Comeback Player of the Year Award because the National Media hates giving Andrew Luck awards?

 And no, I am not just asking this because I may or may not have bet my 2001 Cadillac on Luck winning said award. 
Pick: Colts (+3.5)
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-3.5)
In the semi-changed words of Will Ferrell pretending to be Alex Trebek on SNL’s Celebrity Jeopardy: “And the NFL has reached a new low.”
Pick: Rams (-3.5)
ARIZONA CARDINALS @ SEATTLE HGHAWKS (-7.5)
Here is my exact strategy on why I am taking the Seattle HGHawks in this game: On Thursday morning a Hawk tried to suicide bomb my dining room window, but instead of dying he knocked himself out cold for ten minutes. Then, after ten minutes of not moving, he slowly got to his feet, looked around, and then flew off to presumably go find another window to attack.
Now, if that is not a sign from the Tebow’s that The Informer must take the Hawks in Week 16, than I don’t know what is.
Pick: Seattle (-7.5)
CINNCINATI BENGALS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-1)
I am taking the Houston Texans solely based on the fact that I have been watching Macho Man Tom Savage interviews on Youtube all week and I think the guy is a real charismatic leader who will be a huge upgrade over that trash bag they have been starting the previous 14 weeks.

 I mean seriously, watch this interview and tell me that you wouldn’t run through a wall for the Macho Man Tom Savage:
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
Pick: Macho Man Tom Savage (-1)
BALTIMORE RAVENS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-5.5)
If this game is not decided by a last second field goal than I do not know anything about football.
Pick: Ravens (+5.5)
DENVER BRONCOS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-3.5)
I really want to bet the Donkeys, because I love getting that half of a point, but one of the basic gambling rules that I follow simply states: “When the defense for the defending Super Bowl champs start complaining about how awesome they are, but how bad the offense sucks, to the point that there is almost a fist fight in the locker room --you must not bet that team on the road on Christmas night.”
Pick: Chiefs (-3.5)
DETROIT LIONS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-7)
If Detroit loses they are out of the playoff. If Detroit wins they control their own destiny. If Dallas loses they are still the number one seed and potentially hosting two playoff games in January. If Dallas wins they are still the number one seed and potentially hosting two playoff games in January.
Do you all see what I am getting at here?
Pick: Lions (+7)

That is a wrap y'all. I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah and most of all a wonderful holiday season filled with family, friends and winning parlays.

Records include Thursday Night Football

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Thursday, April 14, 2016

Kobe Bryant's 60 Point Final Act




The Informer: “Did you see what Kobe just did?”
Friend: “No what happened?”
The Informer: “The Lakers were down 10 points with about 2:16 seconds left in his last game ever and he scored 13 straight points and the Lakers won. It was awesome. Oh and he also finished the game with 60 points.”
Friend: “Bull f*****g shit!!!”
The Informer: “Seriously, I couldn’t make this up if I had to.”
That is the text exchange I had with a friend last night after watching Kobe Bean Bryant, playing in the final game of his illustrious 20 year career, score 60 points while willing the Los Angeles Lakers to a 101-96 victory over the Utah Jazz.
I am sharing this exchange for two reasons 1) Who in the hell was not watching Kobe last night? 2) The “bull f*****g shit” line is the perfect way to describe what took place last night in Los Angeles.
Kobe Bryant was ridiculous. He was amazing. He was larger than life. He was whatever word you can think of that basically means “bull f*****g shit there is no way that actually happened”.  
Now, The Informer knows exactly what you are all thinking right now because I am thinking the same exact things: How does a 37-year old man score 60 points in his last NBA game (P.S – it was his sixth career 60 points game which is the second most in NBA history)? And how does a 37-year old man shoot the ball 50 times in a single game? Most importantly, how in the blue hell did the Lakers actually win a game when a 37-year old man shoots the ball 50 times?
The last question is what gets me the most about last night’s game. To quote Herm Edwards: “The Utah Jazz were playing to win the game.” They were not rolling over and letting Kobe Bryant do this. No, they were trying to win this game. They wanted to win this game. And for most of the night, they were on pace to win this game. 
The only problem was, Kobe freaking Bryant gave absolutely zero f***s about the Utah Jazz’s desire to win. 
Nope, in the end April 13th, 2016 was Kobe Bryant's night.
And by Gawd he was not going to let the Jazz, or ESPN (who moved his final game to ESPN 2), or the Golden State Warriors, or Father time take it away from him.
Hell, even when the Lakers were down 10 points late in the fourth quarter there was a sense that Kobe was going to do something magical. 

 Then he scored his 50th point to make it a six point game on a shot that had The Informer reminiscing about 2006. Then he hit a pull up jumper from 15 ft. Then there was the fade-away three that had no business actually going in to pull the Lakers within one. 
We were all witnessing Kobe having a nam-like flashback to his “Black Mamba” days and somehow the Lakers were within reach of actually winning this game.  
And then the flashback became a reality.
Kobe drained a jumper from the top of the key to give the Lakers their first lead of the fourth quarter. He followed that up by making two more free throws to push his total to 60 and the Lakers lead to three. Finally, Kobe threw a perfect full court pass to Jordan Clarkson which ended with a dunk (making Kobe’s last NBA stat ever an assist #IsntThatIronic?)

 After that Byron Scott decided Kobe had done enough, so he substituted "White Mamba" Ryan Kelly into the game enabling Kobe the chance to walk off the court with just four seconds remaining in his career. Of course, this was done so the stunned/excited/joyous Staples' Center crowd could serenade our hero one last time with chants of "Kobe . . . Kobe . . .  Kobe!!!"
And man was it awesome.
Honestly, it was a performance that The Informer will never forget.
And in the end, there really is only one word to describe what took place in Los Angeles on April 13, 2016: “KOBE!!!”
#ThankYouKobe #LegendsNeverDie #MambaOut
(The Informer after the blog note –  In the spirit of never forgetting Kobe's great night, here are The Informer’s favorite tweets/reactions from last night’s Kobe game.)







And finally . . .
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Friday, October 2, 2015

The Informer's 2015 NFL Picks Challenge: Week 4



Ladies and gentlemen, The Informer is not going to lie; he is freaking excited. After three weeks of the 2015 NFL Season your favorite sports writer has posted a career best 31-16-2 (including last night’s push) record against the spread.

Now, just to put my record into perspective, here is a list of how The Informer stacks up with some of the "National Experts" (Their records are on the far right) . . .



Setting aside the fact that the graphic looks like complete dog sh*t, if you look closely you will notice that out of all the "National Experts" (from Grantland, Yahoo, Five-Thirty-Six, CBS, USA Today, Fox, etc.) who make weekly picks against the spread; there is not a single person who has a better record than The Informer's 31-16-2.

That is not a typo folks. The simple truth when it comes to handicapping the NFL is this: If you are looking for the best picks money can buy then The Informer is your Huckleberry.

Anyways, which means please do not interrupt The Informer while he is stroking his own ego and watching Tombstone clips, now that we got all the "look at me bragging" out of the way: How about we crack open the Natties and get on with Week 4 of The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks Challenge?

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (+3)

Here is what The Informer tweeted out Thursday morning before the world found out Josh Scobee is a double agent for the Baltimore Ravens . . .


Needless to say, Josh Scobee as a "football player" -- The Informer is sure he is a nice human being -- is a no good motherless mother ****** #TheInformerHatesYourStinkingGuts!!!

Moving on from the Scobee boning, The Informer would like to point out that the first half under in Prime-time is now 8-2 on the year. For you non math majors, that means it is hitting a staggering 80% of the time. In other words, make sure you adjust your fake illegal wagers accordingly in New Orleans and Seattle this weekend.

Pick: Steelers (+3 PUSH)

NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (IN LONDON +3)

Here is my dilemma: Normally on Sundays, The Informer runs home from working the night shift, chugs five Natty Lights, then takes a three hour nap in order to wake up for the noon games. It is a tried and true routine that has worked well for the past three seasons.

The problem this Sunday is the fact that there is a NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE game being played at 8:30am Central time.

So the question becomes: Should The Informer stay up (without a cat nap) to watch the Jets-Dolphins while trying to chug Natties for 14 hours straight after working the overnight shift? Or should The Informer take into consideration that this game features Ryan Fitzpatrick and the New York Jets (boring) and skip it all together while sticking to the normal Sunday routine?

Talk about a conundrum (How in the hell do you spell conundrum?).

"Hey Informer: Why don’t you just call in sick to work? That way you can get some sleep on Saturday night, but still be able to wake up and start crushing Natties at 8:30 while not missing any football action. That is your best option as an alcoholic football fan. Oh and by the way, even a blind mice gets lucky with their picks every once in awhile; so don’t get used to the success because you are bound to come crashing back down to Earth. You want to know why? Because you suck . . . You jackass."

Well . . . Other than the last part, which was really mean-spirited and rude, the figment of The Informer’s imagination has a great idea. Now I guess the question becomes: Which one of The Informer's five kids is going to get the flu on Saturday #WorkExcuses.

Pick: Dolphins (+3)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-9)

Dear Colts fans who are upset about the nightmare that is your offensive line right now, please keep in mind that it could be worse; you could be trapped in this elevator . . .



#ThatPrankIsF******Up #ImFreakingOutMan.

Pick: Jags (+9)

(Editor's Note - This pick was originally Colts -9, but with Andrew Luck not playing I am changing the pick to Jags +9. For the sake of having accurate picks, I have embedded the tweet that proves my change of mind took place before the game. Sorry for the confusion.)

HOUSTON TEXANS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-6)

Do you all remember in last week’s article how The Informer wrote a gushing section about Antonio Brown and how the guy was on pace for over 2,000 yards receiving and a historically great season? And then the next day Brown’s quarterback got injured followed by Brown’s NFL record streak of 35 straight games with at least 5 receptions and 50 yards getting snapped in his first game without the RoethlisDoubleBaconCheeseberger?

Yea . . . Because of the above scenario, The Informer is going to decline comment on this game and any participants involved who may or may not be having a historically great start to the 2015 NFL Season #TheInformerJinxIsReal.

Pick: Texans (+6)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (+3)

Shhh . . . Don’t tell Vegas the Carolina Panthers are a really good football team and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are a pile of worthless sh*t #LionKingLockOfTheWeek.

Pick: LKLOTW Panthers (-3)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-5)

The last time The Informer was excited to watch a Bills-Giants game this happened . . .



Too soon?

Anyways, which now means please don’t interrupt The Informer while he is getting death threats from every single person in the greater Buffalo area, The Informer is thinking Da Bills are going to circle the wagons while riding Tyrod "The Cannon" Taylor’s arm to some sweet-sweet revenge 24-years later.

Pick: Bills (-5)

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3)

The Informer swears to "Tebow" he almost made the Raiders his Lion King Lock of the Week. To answer the next question: No . . . The Informer was not drunk when he wrote that sentence.

Pick: Raiders (-3)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (+3)

If The Informer ever bets that dumpster fire Kirk Cousins again you all have the right to kick me squarely in the d*ck. Seriously, that dude is the scum between The Informer's toes.

Pick: Washington (+3)

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ CINNCINATI BENGALS (-4)

As Kevin Costner once said, you ride a trend until she bucks you, or you don't ride at all. And right now there is no better gambling ride than a Red-Hot (& Headed) Andy Dalton at home giving less than a touchdown.

Pick: Bengals (-4)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-7.5)

Next . . .

Pick: Chargers (-7.5)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ SAN FRACISCO 49ERS (+8)

The Green Bay Packers are on a short week, after winning a huge Monday Night game, they are traveling to the West coast, 80% of the public is betting on them to cover and they are playing against a quarterback they have never beaten (Kaepernick is 3-0 all-time against Rodgers).

Basically, all the normal gambling rules say to bet against Green Bay this week. Then again, all of the normal gambling rules don’t take into consideration that the Packers will be starting the 2X NFL MVP Aaron Rodgers against the team that passed on taking him in the 2005 NFL Draft in favor of Alex Smith.

The Informer is sorry he is not sorry, but at this point in time if you bet against Aaron Rodgers you are a moron.

Pick: Packers (-8)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-6.5)

According to the National Media Peyton Manning is old; washed up; not capable of throwing a pigskin; has to eat his Blimpies with dentures; has to use a wheel chair to pick up his legalized "hippie lettuce"; is paralyzed from the waist down; has erectile dysfunction; he can't feel his arms; his left leg is missing; rigor mortis has set in; and that he has actually been in a coma for the last four seasons.

Now, despite all of those things going against him, The Informer has no choice but to once again back Manning and his Laser-Rocket-Duck-Launcher.

Pick: Donkeys (-6.5)

ST LOUIS RAMS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-7)

Remember how Vegas likes to build Casinos and not give away money to public bettors? Well, because of that fact, The Informer needs to point out that 86% of the public is betting Arizona on Sunday.

Listen, The Informer thinks the Cards will dominate the entire game and win, but somehow, some way, Vegas/St. Louis is going to backdoor cover on Sunday; which means you have to bet the Rams.

"Hey idiot, don't you remember your own rule about never betting against a Bruce Arians coached team at home? And are you seriously going to take Nick Foles on the road against the hottest offense in football? Man, you really are fatter and stupider than I originally thought."

You know what? The made up people in The Informer's head are right. The number one gambling rule for 2015 is that you never bet against Bruce Arians and the Arizona Cardinals when they are playing at home. Forget about the new Casinos and just listen to Bud Kilmer on Sunday #StickToTheBasics.

Pick: Cardinals (-7)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3)

Did you know the last time the Saints played a Sunday night game in October they beat the Green Bay Packers? Did you also know since that time they have lost six straight games in the SuperDome? Well, as The Informer has always said, when your team can’t win a home game the best remedy for the problem is to schedule an appearance by Brandon Weeden.

With a healthy Drew Brees back in the lineup, the Saints will get their first win of the season.

Pick: Saints (-3)

DETROIT LIONS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-10)

At some point Matthew Stafford is going to realize that he has "The Shredder" Calvin Johnson on his team, right?

Pick: Lions (+10)

And on that note, if you will please excuse me, The Informer has three weeks worth of fake illegal gambling money that needs to be wasted on Blimpies, Natties, Gator Boots and the pimped out Gucci suits . . .



#StillFly #BigTymers #NFLPicks #WinnerWinnerBlimpiesDinner #HaveAGreatWeek4

2015 RECORD: 31-16-2

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