Friday, June 2, 2017

The Informer's Summer of 2016 Kevin Durant Mailbag



As always keep in mind that all of these questions came from actual made up readers.
Q: Informer what did you think of Kevin Durant signing with the Golden State Warriors?
I absolutely love it. And I also think the Durant-Steph-Klay-Draymond combo has a chance to go down as the greatest fantastic foursome in the history of the NBA.
Q: Come on Informer, you can’t honestly feel that way? Kevin Durant signing with Golden State is an absolute travesty. I mean what kind of chicken sh** pu*** signs with the team that he can’t beat? It was a disgusting act and you know it. Hell, even Charles Barkley said KD was cheating to win a ring. 
Calm down Joe Buck. There is no need for profanities. Besides, I don’t think Durant was signing with Golden State because he didn’t think OKC could beat them. I think Durant signed with GS because he really wanted to play in an offense that emphasized ball movement and making the extra pass.
As for Charles Barkley (my favorite analyst not named Bill Walton of all-time): Isn't he the same guy who left the Philadelphia 76ers because he wanted a better chance to win a ring? Furthermore, isn't he the same guy who left the Phoenix Suns so he could join Clyde Drexler, Hakeem Olajuwon and the two-time defending NBA Champion Houston Rockets to chase a ring?
I'm just saying, players leave teams for other teams all the time. There is no cheating about it. 
Q: That is such bullsh** and you f***** know it. The only reason you think this is a good move is because you root for players, not teams. So you will just switch over and become a Golden State fan while us good honest OKC fans have to deal with the fact that KD just stabbed us in the back right in front of our f***** faces.
You are right. The Informer is a person who roots for players, not teams. The reason for that is because years ago I found out the owners/GMs don’t care if I want my favorite team to keep Joe Montana, or Peyton Manning, or James Harden, or Jerry Rice, or Randy Moss, or the city of Seattle. They only care how those players/cities can help them and when they are done getting what they want they throw them away faster than Antonio Cromartie throws away an unopened box of condoms.
So yes, since Kevin Durant remains my favorite player, next year I will be rooting for KD and the Warriors to win the championship and I will feel no remorse about it.
Q: But why did it have to be Golden State? If he would have signed anywhere else it would have been okay, but he chose the only team he could not beat. That has to tarnish his legacy, right?
Here is my counter question: Why would Durant choose to leave and then pick a place that would not be as good as OKC? I mean seriously, would anyone else in the world purposely leave a great situation just so they could move to a sh*ttier situation? That would be asinine. The fact is we all knew if the NBA was going to be turned on its head, there were only two places KD was going to go -- Golden State or San Antonio.
 So why are we so surprised when he chose one of those two places?
Q: You are wrong Informer. By picking the Warriors, Kevin Durant can now officially never be mentioned when it comes to the pantheon of great players ever again.
As the old saying goes, winning cures everything (just ask LeBron). And in five years if he wins with the Warriors, I guarantee that is what he will be remembered for.
Q: No, I am pretty sure we will remember Kevin Durant as a chicken sh** pu**** who had to team up with Steph and Klay because he couldn’t do it on his own.
Here is the thing; whether KD chose to sign with OKC or the Warriors, that team was going to be the favorites to win in 2017. So how is he now a chicken sh** pu*** who can only win because he teamed up with Steph and Klay? Wouldn’t he have been just as big of a chicken sh** pu*** if he would have chose to team up with Russ and Adams? I mean by your "chicken sh** pu***" logic, the only way KD could have proved his manhood would have been by signing with Sacramento and then demanding they trade Boogie Cousins.  
Q: Informer I love saying "chicken sh** pu***" as much as the next guy, but if I may change the subject I would really like to know what your favorite conspiracy theories for Kevin Durant leaving are?
I have four theories:
  • Nike told him to sign with GS to take some of Under Armor's thunder (no pun intended).
  • He hates getting kicked in the d***, so this was really his only option.
  • Russ told him that he was going to sign in LA in 2017, so the time to leave was now.
  • He is still pissed they didn’t pay James Harden the extra five million.
Q: Do you think the Warriors are going to once again break the NBA regular season wins record?
Let me put it this way,  my bookie set the Warriors over/under at 84 regular season wins and I took the over.
Q: You really are a "special" kind of moron, aren't you Informer? I mean, I would try and explain to you how it is impossible for a team to win 84 games, but I don't think you would fully grasp the logic. So instead, here is my last question: What does this mean for Russell GoatBrook?
I think it means we might legitimately see a point guard average a 35-12-10 for an entire season. In other words, gamble on the 2017 NBA MVP odds accordingly folks #LetRussBeRuss.

(The Informer note: This article was originally posted July 7th of 2016.)

Thursday, June 1, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NBA Finals Instant Reaction: Game 1



Here are 10 Things I think I think after watching the Golden State Warriors 113-91 victory over the LeBron James Cavaliers:

10) Before everyone goes crowing the Golden State Warriors asses after their 113-91 victory, please keep in mind that it was only a year ago the Warriors were up 2-0, and then 3-1, before losing the 2016 NBA Finals in seven games. 

9) With that said; if the Cavs are going to turn the ball over 20 times while only forcing 4 turnovers, then this series is going to be shorter than my last stint at alcoholic anonymous. 

8) Can someone please get Klay Thompson's jump shot on a milk carton or something? 3-16 from the field and 0-5 from 3-point land? Are you for real? I mean this is a guy who once beat Steph Curry in a 3-point contest, and now he can't make a shot? How does that happen? Klay, please join the party. All NBA fans want to see you setting fires to nets, not building houses with all your bricks. 

7) I know they lost, but LeBron James is hella great at basketball. 

6) I know it is easy to say because they won, but Kevin Durant is hella great at the game of basketball. 

5) Seriously, watching LeBron and Kevin Durant, the two best basketball players on the face of the Earth, go back and forth  in the first half -- I think LeBron had like 18-10 while KD put up 23 points -- is everything I have ever wanted to watch in an NBA Finals game. Honestly, I am just sad LeBron could not keep it up in the second half, because the table was set for an all-time historic showdown. Luckily, we still have at least three more chances to see these two kings square off while playing basketball better than just about anyone else who has ever lived. 

4) Does anyone else remember the last two years when all the talk was how Steph Curry looked tired, or how he was getting beaten up and wore down by the Cavs defense? Yea, that is not going to be an issue in 2017. Not with the worlds greatest sniper -- Sniper Jones, aka Kevin Durant -- making it impossible for the Cavs to focus in on Curry. The Cavs are literally damned if they do, and damned if they don't when it comes to trying to guard the KD-Steph combination.

3) Speaking of the Warriors offense, do you want to hear something truly scary? The Warriors only had two players (KD and Steph) score more than 10 points and yet they still won an NBA Finals game against LeBron freaking James by 22 points. Yikes!!!

2) Before we finish this article, I want to once again caution every single writer/hot take maker/ journalist covering this series to please remember the golden rules of NBA basketball when talking about Game 1 tomorrow: 

  1. You do not want to overreact to one game. This is the NBA Playoffs, teams almost always bounce back and player better in a seven game series after a loss. So do not hang to much weight on one game just because it is the latest and greatest thing to happen.
  2. And secondly, never, not even if there is a fire, count out King James. When he is on the court his team is never completely dead. He taught us that in 2016 when he brought the Cavs back from down 3-1 to win the 2016 NBA Finals. 

1) Okay, now that I have made it perfectly clear that we should not overreact to the Warriors 113-91 Game 1 victory in the 2017 NBA Finals; I would like to take this time to change my prediction of LeBron in seven, to Warriors in four. 

Break out the brooms ladies and gentlemen, because we are about to get the first ever "Fo-Fo-Fo-Four" NBA Championship. And to be honest, I can't wait to watch the history take place.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

The 10 Greatest Kobe Bryant Facts Ever



Since tonight -- April 13th, 2016 -- is going to be the last NBA basketball game Kobe "The Black Mamba" Bryant is ever going to play; The Informer thought now would be the perfect time to share with the world his Top 10 All-Time Kobe Bryant facts.
So without any further, let's talk about the Mamba.
10A. Kobe scored at least 60 points on five different occasions, including one game where he scored 62 points in three quarters against the Dallas Mavericks.
10B. Also, just for the sake of being factually correct, the only other player in NBA history to have more 60 point games than the Mamba is Wilt Chamberlain; who had 32 such games.

10C. Finally, since we are being factually correct, it should be noted that during his 62-points in three quarters game, the Dallas Mavericks as a team scored 61 points. That is right, Kobe Bryant single handedly out scored an entire NBA team. 
9. Kobe scored 50+ points on 24 different occasions. To put Kobe's scoring in perspective; that is more than Steph Curry, LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird combined.
8A. Kobe was the first player in NBA history with 30,000 points and 6,000 rebounds.
8B. It should also be noted that he is currently 3rd all-time on the NBA career scoring list behind only Karl Malone and Kareem Abdul Jabar.
8C. Oh and don't forget, his 81 points in a single game against the Toronto Raptors in January of 2006, is the most points scored by any NBA player not named Wilt in the history of basketball.
7. Kobe once led the Lakers to the playoffs despite the fact that Kwame Brown was his starting center. The Informer is not making this fact up. There is video evidence on the internet and everything.
6. He was drafted by the Charlotte Hornets with the 13th overall pick, and was then traded to the Lakers for the one and only Vlade Divac.
5. Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself "The Black Mamba". I mean seriously: How awesome do you have to be to give yourself your own nickname and then have the rest of the world not only accept it, but love it?
2A. Kobe is one of only three players in NBA history to average at least 40 points per game for an entire month. In case you were wondering; he accomplished this feat four different times.
2B. Speaking of 40 point games: Did you know that Kobe scored at least 40 points against every single NBA team at least one time in his career?

And finally, The Informer's favorite Kobe fact of all-time is . . .
1. During the 2005-06 season Kobe joined Michael Jordan, Wilt and Rick Barry as the only players in NBA history to average at least 35 points per game for an entire season.
Honestly, there is no other way to say it other than: "Kobe Bryant is, was, and always will be 'The Mamba'.
#ThankYouMamba #GOAT!!!