The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 4

CHICAGO BEARS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-7)

Here is The Informer’s proof of pick tweet:

GB -7 With bookie, GB -7 Super Contest, Bears lose suicide contest Packers 2 win 5 team parlay & Packers -4 1st half #BearsTotallyWinning # pic.twitter.com/vUwQVDWUOL

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 28, 2017

Pick: Packers (-7)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (+3)

Over the past Fortnight I have been Sod Off by the fact that I am a Tosser who has Lost the Plot when it comes to picking Bloody NFL games. Hell, I have been Cocking Up so badly by handing out Crusty Dragon picks that I was actually thinking about quitting in order to become a Chap-Scrubber On the Pull for Starker Daft-Cows who don’t know the difference between their Knackers and Strawberry Creams.

But then I realized quitting would make me a complete Axe Wound who should be forced to Go to Her Majesty’s Pleasure just like all the Pounces that Filch from the Khazi Slappers who give you Nookie for money. So, because I didn’t want to be a complete Areshole Axe Wound, I decided I am going to get back to being Aces by betting against The Dog’s Dinner Plastered Jay Cutler.

Now, don’t get your Knickers in a Twist Miami fans, I love the Plastered one as much as the next guy, but the fact remains this Miami Dolphins offense is going to See a Man about a Dog on Sunday; which means they will not be Up for it against the high scoring Saints offense.

Again, I am not arse over tit for this pick, but Before you Bite your Arm off, please keep in mind the Dolphins -- who are playing their third straight road game -- have been All fur coat and no knickers in 2017 so I have no choice but to Leg over the points and take Drew Brees while making myself a couple of Easy-peasy Quids.  

Bob's your uncle. 

Pick: Saints (-3)

(After the pick bonus reason to take Saints: Remember back in 2006 when Drew Brees wanted to sign with the Miami Dolphins, but the Dolphins thought Daunte Culpepper was a better QB? Yea, in the gambling business I like to call slights like “Daunte Culpepper is better than the only guy in NFL history to have multiple 5,000 yard passing seasons” extra motivation. Also, here is a link if you would like to decipher exactly what I said above.)

BUFFALO BILLS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-7.5)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (-1.5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ TAMPA BAY (-3)

Now that we got the London game behind us, here is a new section of the blog that I like to call "I am betting three road dogs because I am a f***ing moron who drinks too much". 

Pick: Giants (+3) Eagles (+1.5) Bills +7.5)

LOS ANGELES RAMS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-6.5)

I don't ever bet against the Hall of Famer Dak Prescott at home. Especially when they are playing a team who 10 days ago gave up 39 points to Brian Hoyer and the San Francisco 49ers. 

Pick: Cowboys (-6.5)

DETROIT LIONS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-2.5)

Here are five Scientific facts that prove everyone needs to bet the Minnesota Vikings at home on Sunday:

The Earth is not round, it is a trapezoid.

Dinosaurs were invented by Stephen Spielberg.

Water makes you weak. 

The Ailiens built the Eiffel Tower in 1974.

Case "The Gunslinger" Keenum is the greatest quarterback who has ever lived.

You literally can't argue with Science folks. 

Pick: Vikings (-2.5)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-9)

For the first time in the history of my life, I am picking against Tom Brady in back to back weeks. In other words: The bluest of blue hells are officially freezing over. 

Pick: Panthers (+9)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ NEW YORK JETS (+3.5)

NFL gambling rule 312 clearly states "when Blake Bortles is a road favorite you grab the points no questions asked". 

Pick: Jets (+3.5) 

CNNCINATI BENGALS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+3)

I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!

Pick: LKLOTW Bengals (-3)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (+3)

This game is going to be won by a last second field goal, so I am going to grab the home underdog and hope that field goal comes from Justin Tucker. 

Pick: Ravens (+3)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (+1.5)

If the Tennessee Titans are going to win the AFC South, then they eventually have to beat the Houston Texans for the first time in Marcus Mariotta's career.

Pick: Titans (-1.5)

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-6.5)

In the name of completely ignoring this absolute abortion the NFL is calling a football game . . . Here is the Blimpies Best meme of the Week:

#ClassicMikeGlennonIsSmokinJayCutlerInDisguiseMeme

Pick: Cardinals (-6.5)

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-2.5)

The Informer's joke of the Week:

Q: If you are driving down the road and see an Oakland Raider riding a bike why do you make sure not to hit him? 

A: It is probably your bike. 

via GIPHY

Pick: Donkeys (-2.5)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ SEATTLE HGHAWKS (-13)

Well, since this is quite possibly the worst Sunday Night game in the history of the NFL, now seems like the perfect time to share with the world my Week 4 NFL Super Picks contest selections and my money-line parlay of the week. 

Super Picks: Green Bay (-7) Bengals (-3) Dallas (-6.5) Seattle (-13) Kansas City (-6.5)

Money-Line Parlay: Patriots, Cowboys, Bengals, Ravens, Falcons & Chiefs (10 to win 90)

Pick: HGHawks (-13)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-6.5)

Did you know? 

• Eric Dickerson ran for an NFL rookie record 1,804 yards in 1983. 
• Only four rookies in NFL history have rushed for over 1,600 yards in a season (Dickerson, George Rogers, Alfred Morris and Ottis "My Man" Anderson).
• Alfred Morris is the only rookie to rush for over 1,600 yards since 1983. 
• In 1984, during his second season as a pro, Eric Dickerson set the NFL record with 2,105 rushing yards. 

I am sharing these stats so I can point out that Kansas City rookie phenom Kareem Hunt -- who is the only player in NFL history to start his career with at least one 50-yard TD in each of his first three games -- has 401 yards rushing through three games. 

For you math majors; that puts Hunt on pace to not only become the fifth rookie in NFL history to break 1,600 yards rushing, but he is also on pace for 2,139 yards which would break the all-time rookie record and the NFL record for most rushing yards in a season.

Now, I am not saying Hunt is going to keep this up, but I am saying that through three NFL Weeks the Chiefs rookie is my 2017 NFL MVP. 

And since Hunt is my MVP, I have no choice but to follow the "never bet against a future 2017 NFL MVP at home in his first Monday Night Football game" rule. 

Pick: Chiefs (-6.5)