Showing posts with label NFL. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NFL. Show all posts

Sunday, December 15, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 15


Before we get to this week's NFL picks I thought we could answer a few questions from The Informer's many followers on Twitter. As always, please remember these tweets/questions came from actual real life Twitter accounts. 


I get this question a lot and here is almost always my answer: Did Kelly Kapowski leave Zack Morris for a professor at California University only to realize her mistake in time to fall back in love with Zack so they could run away to Vegas and get married? Did Chic know that Harry Stamper would blow up that Asteroid just minutes after saying goodbye to Gracey because he knew that Harry didn't know how to fail? Is this the worst answer to a "Flat Earth Question" ever? Is the person who tweeted this question actually The Informer pretending not to be The Informer? Was Gordon Bombay minutes away from realizing his dreams of becoming a professional hockey player only to get blindsided in the knee by some cheap minor league goon?  Is The Informer drinking Natty Lights at seven forty five on a Sunday morning? Is The Informer 115-90-4 against the spread on the season? Will more than six people read this blog? Does 6x6=36? Did Jackie Joyner Kersey win a Gold medal at the 2000 Olympics (I actually don't know this one, so if anyone has an answer hit me up)? Could Happy Gilmore beat Tiger woods in a long drive contest? Has The Informer's point been made? Can I move onto the next question now?


I did three lineups today, they are:

QB: Mahomes
RB: Ekler
RB: Miles Sanders
WR: Larry Fitz
WR: King Cooper Kupp
WR: Javaris Landry
TE: Tyler Higbee
Flex: George Kittle's are for winners
D: Texans

QB: 40oz of Matty Ice
RB: Dalvin Cook
RB: Run CMC
WR: Valdes Scalding
WR: Tyrell Williams
WR: Mike Williams
TE: OJ Howard
Flex: Phillip Linsey
D: Chiefs

QB: Mahomes
RB: Ekler
RB: Gurley
WR: Julio
WR: Landry
WR: Mike Williams
TE: Higbee
Flex: OJ Howard
D: Patriots


It is physically impossible for me to just pick one, so here are five players that will absolutely not be on any of my teams next season unless they are auto drafted or there is a fire:
  1. Melvin Gordon
  2. David Johnson (this one hurts, I had him in a ton of leagues this year)
  3. Cam Newton
  4. Evan Engram
  5. Alshon Jeffry


Listen y'all, I am willing to start talking about James Harden if the conversation is "Who are the 5 greatest scorers in NBA History". But if you all start slandering the great Mamba's name with words like "Harden is better than Kobe" than I am going to start a riot and once said riot is over I am going to write a strongly worded letter where I explain to you how I no longer think we can be friends.

You know I am starting to really like this @NotInformers guy. Not only do we have similar names on twitter, but he seems really smart; he is asking excellent questions; and on top of all that he is giving The Informer compliments. I mean I don't want to make anything official, but keep things up like this @NotInformers and I have a feeling you are going to win "The Informer's favorite person on Twitter this week" award.

As for the question: I really suck at picking just one game. Hell, I really suck when I have to pick my Top 5 favorite games. But what I am really good at is picking every NFL game while making money for you the readers. So I decided this year that is what I was going to focus on. No more "I love this bet the most" talk. Just take em all and we make money. 

 It is that simple. #NothingIsAStayAway

 (The Informer after the thought note -- Let me show you what I am talking about. Last week The Informer went 12-3-1 against the spread (again money money money), but do you want to know what my record was in my "pick five games Super Pick contest" ? It was 2-3. I literally picked all three of my losses instead of some how picking 3, 4 or 5 of my 12 wins. So long story short, we pick and bet every game and we make money. Its that simple.)



I do not. My rule for the first half under is to bet it early in the year while it is the best bet in sports history, but once middle October hits and Vegas starts messing with the lines and NFL teams start rounding into shape I jump off the ship before it sinks.



According to NFLPickwatch dot com I would be tied for 2nd place amongst all the paid experts from the major websites.

Oh man, I am not sure I have drank enough Natty Lights to answer such a serious question. But since you asked I guess I would go with:

PIZZA PLACES
  • Casey's General Store
  • Pappa Murphy's
  • Pappa John's (there is no mountain without Garlic Butter sauce)
  • Pizza Hutt 

TYPES OF PIZZA
  • Casey's Taco
  • Cheese
  • Stuffed Crust
  • Supreme

I liked a lot of movies in 2019 but didn't really love a lot, so I am just going to go with Captain Marvel. I thought it was fun, lighthearted and my daughter loved it. As for TV show there is nothing I enjoyed (and cringed watching more) than Yellowstone. And finally, my favorite new song of 2019 was definitely:


(The Informer Note - Technically this happened in December of 2018, but I did not see it until January of 2019 so it wins for me. Plus this is my blog so if I want to change the rules I can totally change the rules.)


I am not sure why you used the word "seriously" here, but okay. My favorite game day food is called "Super Mucho Potato Ole". 

 Here is how you make them:
  • Cook some frozen potato ole's/coins
  • Layer bean dips over said coins
  • Layer the cooked hamburger meat on next
  • Then spread nacho cheese on top. 
  • Take a jar of salsa and dump it on next.
  • Finally put a crap ton of shredded cheese on top of it all and cook for 7-10 minutes.
  • Once cheese is melted serve with sour cream, lettuce and guacamole. Also, this can be eat with a fork, with a chip or in a taco shell. 

I am not going to say this Nacho Ole recipe will change your life, but I will say if done correctly this Nacho Ole recipe will change your life.

Please enjoy.



Ummmm . . . I literally have no idea what you are talking about @NotInformers. Also, speaking of Social Security Numbers . . .



Check your DM's in 7-10 business day's Mr Anderson. I'll make sure it is emailed to you promptly.

So basically I need to beat a Giant who could drink 100 beers in one sitting and another guy who once drank 60 beers in 7 hours? I mean, I definitely wouldn't be betting against myself if that is the case.


The Saints vs the Chiefs, Patriots or Ravens #GottaSeeWhoIsHealthyGoingIntoPlayoffs.


No.

Is it that time already? Okay then, here are The Informer's Week 15 NFL Picks. 

 As always please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal and degenerate purposes. Any other use or broadcast of these picks without the written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited by absolutely no one.

Jets (+17)

Lions (+5.5)

Eagles (-6.5)

Packers (-4.5)

Patriots (-9.5)

Texans (+3)

Panthers (+7)

Chiefs (-9)

Giants (-3)

Bills (PK)

Jags (+7)

Cardinals (+3)

Falcons (+11)

Rams (-1.5)

Vikings (-1)

Saints (-9)


THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD
Overall: 115-90-4

 Last Week: 12-3-1

 Overall Winning Weeks: 10-3-1


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Sunday, November 24, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 12



Indianapolis Colts @ Houston Texans (-3.5)

Normally I would share my proof of Thursday Night Football pick tweet, but let's be honest: What is the point of sharing a proof of loss tweet? That's like when Wells Fargo asks me to verify who I am when I call in to give them money to pay for my student loans. I mean seriously, are random strangers actually calling Wells Fargo and saying: "Hey I need to pay this dudes loan off"? Because if they are, please contact The Informer. I will gladly hand you all of my personal information without any questions asked.

Anyways, which means brace yourself folks there is a lot of ranting and very little sports or gambling insight in today's blog, what I am trying to say is I bet the Texans. The Texans didn't cover. So I am not going to go back through thousands of tweets (yes I know I tweet to much, but y'all should follow me anyways) just to prove that I was wrong.

You can either trust that I am not lying, or add another win to my winners column at the end of the year.

It is your choice.

Pick: Texans (-3.5)
Detroit Lions @ Washington Redskins (+4)

As I sit on hold for the fifth straight day trying to get a representative from Disney + to actually answer the phone and tell me why my Disney + does not work, I can't hep but wonder: Who is the bigger dumpster fire of an abortion?

Disney + and their customer service, or this absolute abomination of a clogged toilet that the NFL is masquerading as the Washington Redskins?

Well, after hours of deep intense thought (literally been on hold for hours), I have decided that Disney+ is the winner. Not because Washington isn't complete hot garbage -- they are -- no Disney + is the winner because they took my money while not providing a service. And then when I tried to call and ask them about said "taking of money with lack of service", instead of sending me to a representative, their automated system doubled down and routed my call to a place where the f***** Star Wars theme song plays on an endless loop and no customer service rep ever answers the phone (I am not kidding, they do not ever answer the phone).

So congrats Disney plus. You are this week's biggest dumpster fire of an abortion. You should be very proud. Your commitment to non-service truly is magical.

As far as the gambling goes; I am betting Washington because as we all just learned from the Disney plus story, The Informer love spending all his money on useless trash.

Pick: Washington (+4)


 Miami Dolphins @ Cleveland Browns (-10.5)
Denver Donkey's @ Buffalo Bills (-4)
New York Giants @ Chicago Bears (-6)

Betting three road dawgs against teams with playoff aspirations (yes the Bears & Browns are delusional, but they do still think they can run the table and make the playoffs) may not be the smartest move. But then again, neither is drinking 15 Natty Light's while writing a blog at nine o'clock on a Sunday morning.

And yet, here we are.

Pick: Dolphins (+10.5) Donkey's (+4) Giants (+6)


 Oakland Raiders @ New York Jets (+3)

My initial reaction was to say when two bad teams play you should always take the points. But after my initial reaction wore off, I thought to myself that I kind of think the Raiders maybe a good football team. So then it turned into a case of a good team playing a crap team with said good team only laying three points; which means the rule says it is actually smart to lay the points here.

Does that make sense?

Pick: Raiders (-3)
Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints (-9.5)

The Informer: You would have to be an absolute drunken moron to bet Kyle Allen on the road against the red hot New Orleans Saints.

Also The Informer: Hey bookie, give me the Panthers (+9.5) . . . I got a drunken gut feeling on this one.

Pick: Panthers (+9.5)
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta Falcons (-3)

I really wish I could quit the Atlanta Falcons. Oh well, maybe next week.

Pick: Falcons (-3.5)
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Tennessee Titans (-3.5)
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals (+6.5)

I am taking the Jags and Steelers in these two contests.

Okay, now that we have that out of the way, here is The Informer's smoking hot wife's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:


I am not gonna lie that one is funny. And she is smoking hot.

Pick: Jags (+3.5) Steelers (-6.5)


 Dallas Cowboys @ New England Patriots (-6.5)

I took the Dallas Cowboys in my "pick a team to lose" survivor poll. I also picked the New England Patriots for this blog, with my bookie and in my Super Picks contest. So I guess you could say I am going to be rooting pretty hard for the Tom Brady's today.

Pick: Pats (-6.5)
Seattle HGHawks @ Philadelphia Eagles (PK)

This lined started at Eagles -2.5 and has moved 2.5 points in favor of the HGHawks. What that means is Vegas is going to be rooting very hard for the Eagles to win. So if you are picking Seattle, be prepared for multiple "defensive holding penalties" on third down and an egregious amount of "there was nothing egregious about that obviously egregious pass interference" calls going against Seattle.

That's just the way Vegas does business when they need a team to lose. I just hope that Russ is able to get over the Vegas roadblock and continue his MVP push with a win.

Pick: HgHawks (PK)
Green Bay @ San Francisco 49ers (-3)

Everyone repeat after The Informer:

I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . Drink more Natty's . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . .  I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . F*** Disney + . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . Blimpies is the Best . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . What Would Harry Stamper Do . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . .  I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . .      I WILL NEVER BET AGAINST AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME!!!!

We all on the same page here?

Pick: Green Bay (+3)
Baltimore Ravens @ Los Angeles Rams (+3)

Update on the Disney + fiasco - As I was finishing up this blog, they finally answered and advised me that a ticket has been submitted to look into my issues. For fun, here is our exact conversation:

Disney: We have submitted a ticket. It usually takes 2-3 days for them to resolve the issue.

Me: So if it is not fixed in 3 days do I call back and wait on hold for another 1.5 hours to let you know it didn't work.

Disney: Well it has already been submitted so calling back to re-submit the same problem will do you no good.

Me: Okay, so if it is not fixed in 3 days what should I do?

Disney: Well, if it is not fixed in 3 days you can definitely call us back and let us know.


Me:

On the plus side Disney now has my IP Address. So I am sure nothing bad is going to happen to my computers, credit cards, dogs, social security number, porn internet search history, banking information or devices after I called their service a dumpster fire of an abortion.

So at least I got that going for me.

Pick: Ravens (-3)

That is it for this week y'all. I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday filled with winning parlays, footlong Blimpie Best, ice cold Natty Lights and the ability to watch unlimited Disney movies without getting a mother ******* error code #83 server down message.

See you next Sunday.

Informer Out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 88-72-3

 Last Week: 10-3-1

 Overall Winning Weeks: 8-2-1



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Sunday, November 3, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 9



Here are The Informer’s Week 9 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.

San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals (+10)

The 49ers won, they did not cover. That means I am still alive in both of my “NFL Pick” polls (thank you 49ers), but it also means I am officially 0-1 ATS on the Week (there is a reason we follow the double digit home underdog rule folks). With all that said, starting 0-1 means only one thing to me: We are going 13-1 in Week 9.



Pick: 49ers (-10)

Houston Texans @ Jacksonville Jaguars (+1)

The Informer is putting a double Tenner on the Dodgy Texans because London games tend to be Wonkier than a Bespoke Wanker Chatting Up an Up for It Scouser. Just make sure you have a Bog Roll in case DeShaun and company accidentally Shamble the bed, or that Knob Head Gardner “Milksteak” Minshew Throws a Spanner in the Works like a Plastered John Thomas Seeing a Man About a Dog.

Either way, it will not matter if you have Twigs & Berries or a Fanny; if the Texans can break DeAndre out Of Her Majesty’s Pleasure -- and a few other Bits n Bobs go our way -- I think we will all be Starker Daft Cows eating Bangers and Chips while counting our Dobbers’s before going Off to Bedshore.

Shag Strawberry Creams and Arse. Easy Peasy One Off Across the Pond wagers are Wicked Cool on Sundays.

Bob’s Your Uncle proof of Sunday morning pick tweet:.



Pick: Texans (-1)

Washington Redskins @ Buffalo Bills (-10.5)

Dwayne Haskins making his first career start in Buffalo against a Bills team that needs to bounce back after an embarrassing home loss in Week 8? Sounds like a person would have to be a total Legless Wazzock who is not scared of a rookie quarterback getting the Collywobbles in his first road start to bet Washington today.

Pick: Washington (+10.5)

Minnesota Vikings @ Kansas City Chiefs (+3.5)

No Mahomes, No MaChiefs bet for The Informer. Sometimes it is that simple.

Pick: Vikings (-3.5)

New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins (+3)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Go home NFL. You are obviously drunker than 10 Informer's at a Natty Light drinking contest.

Pick: Jets (-3)

Chicago Bears @ Philadelphia Eagles (-4.5)

Betting Mitch Trabanski on the road in 2019. Why the hell not.

#Yolo #RevengeOfTheDoubleDoinkGameTime

Pick: Bears (+4.5)

Indianapolis Colts @ Pittsburgh Steelers (+1)

I am betting the Colts to win in Pittsburgh on Sunday. Without doing any research whatsoever, I can tell you that in my 30+ years of living I have never seen the Colts win a game in Pittsburgh. I would also like to point out the Steelers are 24-5 all-time vs Indy --including five straight victories.

So yea.

This should be a real gas.

Pick: Colts (-1)

Tennessee Titans @ Carolina Panthers (-3.5)
Detroit Lions @ Oakland Raiders (-2.5)

I am taking the points with both road dogs. I have no scientific evidence, sound advice from a male nurse, or geographical photos to explain why I am doing this. But since this is my blog, and I am running out of time before the Jags-Texans game kicks off, I am still going to do it.

Pick: Titans (+3.5) Lions (+2.5)

Tampa Bay @ Seattle HGHawks (-5)

HGHawks haven’t had a good convincing home win all season. So, I mean, eventually it has to happen right?

Pick: HGHawks (-5)

Cleveland Browns @ Denver Donkey’s (+4)
Green Bay @ San Diego Chargers (+4)
New England Patriots @ Baltimore Ravens (+3)

These are my three favorite bets of the week. All three will be in every single parlay, teaser and Super Picks contest I partake in today. My reasoning for this is simple:
  1. The Donkey’s are starting a quarterback. That is legit the only things I know about the guy.
  2. It is against my religion to bet against Aaron Rodgers whenever he is having an MVP caliber season.
  3. It is really really against my religion to ever bet against Tom Brady in Primetime.

Pick: Browns (-4) MVP Aaron Rodgers (-4) Tom Brady in Primetime (-3)

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Giants (+6.5)

Y’all I know this week was short and sweet, I apologize for that. The morning football game threw off the timeline so I was rushed to get this out. Just know that even though the article was short and sweet, the picks are going to be gangbusters as usual (68-52-1 on the season).

That is all I got for Week 9. Good luck. May your Sunday be filled with Natty Lights, winning wagers, backdoor covers and all of the three team parlays.

The Informer out.

Pick: Cowboys (-6.5)


THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 68-52-1

Last Week: 10-5

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 6-1-1

 (Informer after the blog note: For fun here are a few of my favorite tweets from the past week. If you want to partake please go follow @therealinformer on the Twitter. We have lots of fun over there.)







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Sunday, October 27, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 8



Here are The Informer's Week 8 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.

 Washington Redskins @ Minnesota Vikings (-17.5)

Pick: Washington (+17.5)

New York Giants @ Detroit Lions (-6.5)

When two mediocre teams play against each other the gambling rule book dictates that a person should always take the points and hope Saquon Barkley has a "Barry Sanders like" flashback while keeping the Giants close enough to win in the end.

Pick: Giants (+6.5)

Tampa Bay @ Tennessee Titans (-2.5)

Tennessee and Tampa Bay are The Informer's kryptonite this season. If I back them to win or cover; then they lose and don't cover. Likewise, if I bet against them they both will show up and play like they are the 2019 New England Patriots. It is very frustrating. But, since I am going to lose no matter what I do here, I am going to ride the home team because I want to root for Derrick Henry.

Pick: Titans (-2.5)

San Diego Chargers @ Chicago Bears (-3.5)

Before the season started I had a dream that the San Francisco 49ers easily beat the Chicago Bears in a Week 16 game. During said dream I also uttered the words "the 49ers with Jimmy G are a great bet, while the Bears are not who we thought they were".

Now, because I needed a reason to bet against the Bears this week, I have decided that this dream was not meant to represent just one game (especially considering the Bears and 49ers don't play this season) but rather that the dream was a metaphor for how the entire 2019 season was going to play out.

So from here on out; I will be betting against the Bears and backing the 49ers until my insane dream theory proves to be wrong.

Pick: Chargers (+3.5)

Seattle HGHawks @ Atlanta Falcons (+8)

To answer everyone's next question after reading the previous section: Yes, The Informer is drunk again.

Pick: HGHawks (-8)

New York Jets @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-6.5)

I love Gardner "Milksteak" Minshew as much as the next guy, but I find it hard to believe he should be an almost touchdown favorite over another NFL team. Especially a team like the Jets who were just embarrassed on Monday Night Football. So theoretically they should be playing extra hard to redeem themselves on Sunday.

At least that is what I tell myself as I am flushing my "I bet the Jets" money down the toilet.

Pick: Jets (+6.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Buffalo Bills (-2)

Josh "The Canon" Allen is 5-1 as a starter when The Informer uses his section to post the Blimpie Best meme of the Week. So in the name of moving "The Canon" to 6-1 . . . Here is the Blimpie Best meme of the Week:



#This man had a family. 

Pick: Eagles (+2)

Cincinnati Bengals @ LA Rams (-12)

The Informer is putting a double Tenner on the Dodgy Rams because London games tend to be Wonkier than a Bespoke Wanker Chatting Up an Up for It Scouser. Just make sure you have a Bog Roll in case the Rams Shamble the bed, or that Knob Head Jared Goff Throws a Spanner in the Works like a Plastered John Thomas Seeing a Man About a Dog.

Either way, it will not matter if you have Twigs & Berries or a Fanny; if the Rams can break Todd Gurley out Of Her Majesty’s Pleasure -- and a few other Bits n Bobs go our way -- I think we will all be Starkers Daft Cows eating Bangers and Chips while counting our Dobbers’s before going Off to Bedshore.

Shag Strawberry Creams and Arse. Easy Peasy One Off Across the Pond wagers are Wicked Cool on Sundays.

Bob’s Your Uncle.

Pick: Rams (-12)

Arizona Cardinals @ New Orleans Saints (-13)

I think Arizona scores a late touchdown to backdoor cover. I have zero Scientific evidence or mathematical equations to support this theory.

Pick: Cards (+13)

Oakland Raiders @ Houston Texans (-6)

The Informer is not someone who like's to self promote, brag about, or say look at me (I am totally this type of person); but I made a music video using the theme song from my favorite new podcast on the internet -- The Crackin' Natty's Podcast -- and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did not use this section to completely ignore the Oakland Raiders and self-gloat about how catchy the tune is and how well produced the video turned out.


#LetsCrackSomeNatties

Pick: Texans (-6)

Carolina Panthers @ San Francisco 49ers (-5)

Have a dream that says the 49ers are a great bet. Remember the dream three months later and write about it in your blog so your readers can see how much a psycho you are. Finally, get rich after betting 49ers.

Seems like a totally logical gambling strategy.

Pick: 49ers (-5)

Denver Broncos @ Indianapolis Colts (-5)

I think the Colts are good. I think the Donkeys are trash. Therefore I will not be betting the Donkey's on the road against the Colts.

It really is that simple.

Pick: Colts (-5)

Cleveland Browns @ New England Patriots (-10.5)

Bless me Tebow for I have sinned. It has been five years since my last "I bet against Tom Brady in Primetime" confession. My gambling sin is this: Last week I ignored all your teachings and bet against Tom Brady in primetime even though I knew I was committing a mortal gambling sin. Even worse though, I told all the people reading this blog to bet against Tom Brady. So not only did I knowingly commit gambling adultery for the fourth time in my life; I also pressured others to join me. I promise I am truly sorry for what I have done. I know you are an all forgiving Tebow; so I hope you can see that this time I really did I learn from my mistake. I also vow that I will never again utter the words "I am betting against Tom Brady". I just hope that you can see my actions from last week do not represent who I truly am as a gambler. I ask for this forgiveness in the name of the Father Bill Belichick, the son Tom Brady and the Holy Ghost  Tim Tebow.

Pick: Patriots (-10.5)

 Green Bay Packers @ Kansas City Chiefs (+5)

I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I really want to cry because I wish this was Mahomes vs Rodgers . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I'll just drown my Mahomes-sarrows with Natty Lights . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I LOVE YOU MAHOMES!!!!!!!!!! . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team!!!

Are we all on the same "don't bet against the red hot MVP bound Aaron Rodgers" page here?

Pick: Packers (-5)

Miami Dolphins @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-14)

Nope next. And no I do not care that this is Monday Night Football. You can't make me write about this bag of bamboo sh*t the NFL is trying to call football.

Moving on.

Pick: Dolphins (+14)

Before we go here is The Informer's "I think this guy will be the MVP at the end of the season rankings (note I am not saying they are the MVP today, I am saying they will be after it is all said and done):
  1. Aaron Rodgers - The media loves when Aaron Rodgers is great. Right now Aaron Rodgers is great. That makes him my MVP favorite as long as he keeps winning (and I think his defense is finally good enough to keep winning).
  2. Tom Brady - If the Patriots go 16-0 or 15-1 or 14-2 Tom Brady will be in the Top 3 MVP discussions. In other news the Patriots are going to finish 16-0 or 15-1 or 14-2. So yea.
  3. Russell Wilson - I have Wilson ahead of Lamar even though Lamar outduled Russ last week.
  4. Lamar Jackson - So take these MVP mid season rankings with a grain of concaine and a fifth of Natty. 
  5. Run CMC - Because The Informer can't tell the future. So all of these projections are based on what has happened and what I think "will happen" as the season goes on.
And on that note, we are done with Week 8. I hope y'all have a great Sunday filled with winning parlays, cold Natty's and enough back door covers to make your bookie go back to hooking.

Good luck.

The Informer Out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

 Overall: 58-47-1


 Last Week: 8-6

 Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 5-1-1
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Sunday, October 20, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 7



I am not going to lie; due to the Patrick Mahomes injury The Informer does not really feel like writing this blog today. I mean first it was Kevin Durant's achilles tendon. Then AJ Green's ankle gets mangled because the Bengals were practicing on the Sandlot. Then Andrew Luck retires from football altogether. And now Patrick Mahomes dislocates his kneecap doing a routine quarterback sneak?

That is literally all four of my favorite teams being taken from me in the middle of their primes. I suppose this is probably just the sports Tebow's sending karma my way for liking players -- and rooting for Tom Brady all the time -- but whatever is going on it absolutely sucks donkey balls and makes me want to cry.

Don't worry. I promise I will not cry (at least not until I drink a few more Nattys). But I do have to warn everyone reading; The Informer completely mailed this blog in. My mind is here (so the picks are solid), but my heart and spirit are to beaten down to make this an entertaining and informative read.

So I apologize in advance for my piss poor effort and execution today. It is just a really tough time in The Informer's life. I hope you all can understand that while also respecting The Informer's feelings in this terrible time of mourning.

Anyways, now that we gotten the excuses out of the way, here are The Informer's Week 7 2019 NFL Picks.

As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.

Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Donkeys (+3)

The Informer's proof of Thursday Night Football Pick:


Pick: Chiefs (-3)

Arizona Cardinals @ New York Giants (-3)

In the name of mourning -- and mailing this blog in -- here are 10 random stats about the number three heading into Week 7.
  1. Tom Brady needs 3 TD passes to reach 530 total for his career.
  2. Mathew Stafford needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Tony Romo & Boomer Easison and into the Top 22 all time.
  3. Russell Wilson needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Matt Hasselback and Terry Bradshaw and into the Top 35 all-time.
  4. Andy Dalton needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Ken Anderson and into the Top 45 all-time.
  5. Ryan Fitzpatrick needs 3 TD passes to move into the Top 50 all-time.
  6. Newly minted Titans starter Ryan "RT1" Tannehill needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Archie Manning and into the Top 105 all-time.
  7. Jameis Winston needs 3 TD to move ahead of Chad Pennington and into the Top 130 all-time.
  8. Carson Wentz needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Bill Munson and into the Top 156 all-time.
  9. DeShaun Watson needs 3 TD passes to reach 60 career touchdown and move into the Top 194 all-time.
  10. And finally, Kyler Murray needs 3 TD passes to become the first 2019 NFL rookie quarterback to reach 10 career TD passes.
Pick: Cards (+3)

(The Informer after the stats note - Jags rookie Gardner Milksteak actually has 9 TD passes on the year. So chances are the man, the myth, the legend will be the first to reach 10 TD passes. But that little fact didn't really go with my theme here; so I fudged the numbers a bit to make them work in my favor. Again, The Informer is mourning the loss of Patrick Mahomes, so please ignore the actual scientific facts and pretend what I was saying works. Thanks. I appreciate it.)

Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts (PK)

With Patrick Mahomes officially out of the MVP debate, here are The Informer's Top 5 2019 NFL MVPs:
  1. Russell Wilson - Explanation is simple: He is the 2019 NFL MVP through six weeks.
  2. Tom Brady - If the Patriots go undefeated we will have to at least discuss Tommy right?
  3. Run CMC - Dude is going to break the NFL All purpose yardage record. That has to count for something.
  4. DeShaun Watson - If Watson goes into Indy and wins this weekend -- which he will -- I think he firmly etches his name into the Top 5 MVP conversation.
  5. Aaron Rodgers - Packers have the Raiders and suddenly vulnerable Chiefs standing in the way of a 7-1 record. So yea, I think you are going to be hearing a little more Rodgers MVP buzz in the next few weeks. 
Pick: Houston (PK)

Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills (-17.5)
San Francisco 49ers @ Washington Redskins (+10.5)

I -- like 95% of America -- have the Buffallo Bills in my "Winners" survivor poll and the Washington Redskins in my "Loser" survivor poll.

So yea.

I can totally imagine how these two "easy pick blowouts" are about to go.

Pick: Dolphins (+17.5) Washington (+10.5)

Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions (+2.5)

Here are The Informer's favorite Draft Kings' lineups for today (note -- They all involve the "Lot Lazard" and the Miami Dolphins defense. So yolo wisely folks).

QB: Matt Ryan
RB: Saquon Barkley
RB: Lataveous Murray
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
WR: Julio Jones
WR: Lot Lazard
TE: Hunter Henry
Flex: Josh Jacobs
D: Miami Dolphins

QB: Kyler Murray
RB: Saquon
RB: Dalvin Cook
WR: Lot Lazard
WR: M. Sanu
WR: Mike Williams
TE: Evan Engram
WR: T. McLaruin (Washington Rookie Stud)
D: Dolphins

QB: Matt Stafford
RB: Saquon
RB: D Cook
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
WR: Cooper Kupp
WR: Lot Lazard
TE: TJ Hockenson
Flex: Mike WIlliams
D: Dolphins

QB: Matt Ryan
RB: Saquon
RB: Josh Jacobs
WR: Charks JR
WR: T.Y. Hilton
WR: McLaurin
TE: Hooper
FLex: Mark Andrews
D: Dolphins

Pick: Vikings (-2.5)

Oakland Raiders @ Green Bay Packers (-5)

If you couldn't tell from my last two sections; I totally think Aaron Rodgers is going to ride the Lot Lazard to a win and a spot in the MVP conversation this weekend.

 Pick: Packers (-5)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Cincinnati Bengals (+4.5)

Here is this week's Blimpie Best meme of the Week:


It is funny because it is true #BradyIsThanos.

Pick: Bengals (+4.5)

Los Angeles Rams @ Atlanta Falcons (+3)

I have lost all the money I was allowed to gamble with in 2019 betting the Falcons to cover the last four weeks. So I might as well lose all the money "I am not allowed to gamble with" betting them not to cover.

Man I love gambling. It is so much fun.

#PleaseDon'tShowThisSectionToMyWifeOrMortgageHolder

Pick: Rams (-3)

San Diego Chargers @ Tennessee Titans (-2.5)
Baltimore Ravens @ Seattle HGHawks (-2.5)

I am betting the Chargers. I am also betting the HGHawks. That is it for my analysis on these game.

Pick: HGHawks (-2.5) Chargers (+2.5)

New Orleans Saints @ Chicago Bears (-4.5)

When are people going to realize the New Orleans Saints --with or without Drew Brees -- are one of the Top 4 best "teams" in the NFL? I am guessing it will be on Monday after they beat the Chicago Trabanski's.

Pick: Saints (+4.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys (-2)

Call it a "Natty Light" hunch: But I think the Eagles win this game outright. So I will be grabbing the two points and enjoying the "Philly Special Cover" in Primetime.

(I told y'all The Informer mailed this one in #WhatTheFIsAPhillySpecialCover?)

Pick: Eagles (+2)

New England Patriots @ New York Jets (+10.5)

I want everyone to listen to me very carefully: Only the drunkest of fat morons would be dumb enough to bet against Tom Brady and Bill Belichick on Monday Night Football. I promise, this is not some kind of Natty Light mind trick into making everyone bet the Jets either. I am being 100% serious. There is literally zero logical reasoning to ever betting the Jets against Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots in primetime.

Pick: Jets (+10.5)

 That is a wrap for today. Again I apologize for my performance. I know it was not good enough. I will try to be better next Sunday. With that said; have a great Week 7. I hope it is filled with healthy players, lots of winning parlays and enough Natty Lights to cry yourself to sleep waiting for the great Patrick Mahomes' knee cap to heal.
THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

 Overall: 50-41-1

 Last Week: 7-7

 Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 4-1-1
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Sunday, October 13, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 6


Here are The Informer's Week 6 2019 NFL Picks. As always, please remember to use these picks for degenerate and illegal purposes only. 

I hope you all enjoy (and win).

 New York Giants @ New England Patriots (-17)

The Informer’s Proof of Thursday Night Pick Tweet:

Before we move on I would like to point out that there was no mention of the 1st half under in Primetime in the above tweet. This was done because for the foreseeable future I am no longer making the 1st half under a guaranteed great bet. So, until I say otherwise, the 1st half under in primetime -- while still my favorite bet of all time -- is not something I recommend on an automatic basis. It is now a case by case bet that I will make closer to kickoff depending on the points, teams and circumstances around the game.

Pick: Pats (-17)

Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay (+2.5)

Finally, The Informer has a Bloody excuse to start Hoovering down Pale Ale’s while the Buggers are still Kipping. 

Excellent. 

As for the Match itself; The Informer is putting a double Tenner on the Dodgy Bucs because London games tend to be Wonkier than a Bespoke Wanker Chatting Up an Up for It Scouser. Just make sure you have a Bog Roll in case the Bucs Shamble the bed, or that Knob Head "Run CMC' Throws a Spanner in the Works like a Plastered John Thomas Seeing a Man About a Dog. 

Either way, it will not matter if you have Twigs & Berries or a Fanny; if the Bucs can break Mike Evans out Of Her Majesty’s Pleasure -- and a few other Bits n Bobs go our way -- I think we will all be Starkers Daft Cows eating Bangers and Chips while counting our Dobbers’s before going Off to Bedshore.

Shag Strawberry Creams and Arse. Easy Peasy One off Across the Pond wagers are Wicked Cool on Sundays.

Bob’s Your Uncle.

Pick: Tampa (+2.5)

Seattle HGHawks @ Cleveland Browns (+1)

85% of the public is betting against the home underdog who is due for a bounce back game after Taking the Piss on Monday Night Football. To answer the next question: Yes, The Informer is one of the 85 percenters.

Pick: HGHawks (-1)

Houston Texans @ Kansas City Chiefs (-4)

Patrick Mahomes is sort of injured. The Chiefs defensive sucks more than a hooker eating an extra large black licorice lollipop. And finally, Kansas City is 2-3 against the spread on the year including three straight no-covers.

What I am trying to say is: "I am obviously betting Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs". 

Pick: Chiefs (-4)

Washington Redskins @ Miami Dolphins (+3.5)

Hahahahahahahaha.

I love a good dumpster fire of a clogged toilet abortion joke. 

Well played NFL. Well played.

Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Minnesota Vikings (-3.5)

I’m supposed to bet Kirk Cousins as a 3.5 point favorite over the team many expect to be in the Final Four NFC teams come January?

In the words of Marsha Brady: "Sure Jan".

Pick: Eagles (+3.5)

New Orleans Saints @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-2.5)

Ladies and gentlemen here is the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:


#MakesSense #ClassicMilksteak

Pick: Saints (+2.5)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens (-11)

I took the “every person in the history of NFL suicide polls is picking the Ravens” in my NFL winner pool today.

So naturally, that means the Bengals are going to come out and play their best game of the year. I am just hoping their best game is not enough to win on the road. But just in case it does mean they can win this game; The Informer is going to hedge with a Bengals +11 bet. 

Pick: Bengals (+11)

San Francisco 49ers @ Los Angeles Rams (-3)

Gambling rules clearly state: “A gambler should not get enamored with a road team coming off of a Monday Night Football win where they looked like the best team in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!”

Pick: Rams (-3)

Atlanta Falcons @ Arizona Cardinals (+2.5)

I have never been a crackhead, but I assume that the cravings I get every week to bet the Falcons -- despite the thousands of dollars and teeth they have caused me -- is the same craving those heads of crack get when they go 24 hours without the rock pipe.

#Why can’t I quit you Matty Ryan?

Pick: Falcons (-2.5)

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Jets (-7)
Tennessee Titans @ Denver Donkeys (-1.5)

I am betting both the home teams. Feels like I am betting 0-2. #Yolo.

Pick: Jets (+7) Donkey’s (-1.5)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ San Diego Chargers (-6)

This game sucks, so instead of wasting my time pretending like I care what happens, here is an impromptu Twitter mailbag.
Is Captain Morgan Rum? If so it makes my Top 3. My list actually goes: Vodka, Captain Morgan and Goldschlager.

(PS-Chup and well done steak is the only way to go through life my friends.)
Answers in order:
  • Of course the moon landing was filmed in Hollywood. If you see it on TV then it is either fake, staged, rigged, scripted or all of the above. In this case; the government needed to keep the Flat Earth a secret so they hired Hollywood to fake a moon landing in order to keep the masses from knowing the truth. 
  • Did Harry Stamper save the world from a giant asteroid? Is The Informer 14.5 beers deep at 8:30 in morning? Is Cocaine a hell of a drug? Does Tom Brady have six Super Bowl rings? Does The Informer put cottage cheese on his lasagna? Is Pussy Control Prince’s best song? Is The Informer losing an NFL Picks contest to a 9-year old prodigy? Does Ketchup belong on steak? Are you picking up my answer through all of these cryptic questions?
  • Is it 14? I honestly don’t know.
The dinosaurs did not die, or go extinct. You know how I know? Because dinosaurs never really existed. They are a figment of Al Gore's imagination that Hollywood then used to make billions of dollars selling movies. Just like they did with Aliens, Predators, Sylvester Stallone and 1984 Delorean's with Lamborghini doors.

The answer to “why did you put the same movie into two different polls”, or "why did you spell 'insert any word' wrong in this tweet is simple: The Informer is an alcoholic.


The first Lord of the Rings (I have not seen the other two). I just did not like it so I skipped the next two.

I find it interesting that Smackdown has now become the A show after USA treated the WWE so well over the past 26 years. With that said; I stopped watching wrestling full time because they diluted the product to the point that I now settle for reading recaps and listening to podcasts over actually watching. So definitely take my thoughts on this matter with a grain of 1980s WWF cocaine. 

And finally, I was asked by a private account (which means I can't use their tweet as proof) to name my favorite kid movies I have watched with my children. To answer this question, I decided to make a list to show me and my children's actual favorite movies to watch together. Then I made a second list to show actual kid cartoon movies that we enjoy.

Here is our actual Top 5:
  • The New Power Rangers Movie
  • The New Ghostbusters movie
  • The Parent Trap
  • 3 Ninjas
  • The Original Ghostbusters movie
And here are our Top 5 kids (aka cartoon) movies:
  • The Lego Movie
  • Toy Story
  • Frozen
  • Moana
  • The Lion King
Speaking of The Lion King: The San Diego Chargers are The Informer's Lion King Lock of the week. The reason for this bet is because I have no idea who in the bluest of blue Hells the Steelers QB is. So I’m definitely not betting on him to play well in his first NFL start, on the road, and in Primetime.

Pick: Lion King Lock of the Week Chargers (-6)

Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers (-4)

Everyone grab your "mid-evil times" religious flogging device and repeat after me:

I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers at home in Primetime . . . I WILL NOT BET AGAINST AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME!!!!

Are we all on the same “I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime” page?

Good. Great. Grand.

Pick: Packers (-4)

That is it for this week’s blog. I truly hope your Week 6 is filled with winning bets, covering teasers and all of the Natty Lights your liver can filter.

See you next Sunday.

Informer out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

 Overall: 43-34-1

 Last Week: 8-6-1

 Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 4-1
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