Here are The Informer's Week 9 NFL picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and no regard for human life.
BUFFALO BILLS @ NEW YORK JETS (+3)
Honestly, with how terrible I am picking Thursday Night Football (2-7 on the year), I have absolutely no idea why I keep doing this to myself. But in the spirit of full disclosure; here is The Informer's proof of loss Thursday Night Football tweet:
Pick: Bills (-3)I’m taking Bills (-3) on #TNF— The Informer (@therealinformer) November 2, 2017
DENVER BRONCOS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-8.5)
I have never claimed to be a smart man, but even I know that you would have to be an absolute drunken moron to bet Brock Osweiler on the road verses a team that is 6-2 against the spread in 2017?
Pick: Donkeys (+8.5)
LOS ANGELES RAMS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (+4.5)
Q: Hey Informer since no one gives two sh*ts about this Rams-Giants game: Can you use this section to tell us who you think is going to win the NFL MVP, Rookie of the Year and the Super Bowl?
I mean, I am sure there is someone out there -- maybe Jared Goff's mother, or Eli Manning's brother -- who is excited to watch the Rams-Giants play football on Sunday. But since you asked so nicely for me to skip this game, I really have no choice but to oblige.
- I have Tom Brady winning the MVP because of the fact that he is going to throw for 5,000 yards while winning 12-13 games for the number one seeded team in the AFC.
- I have Leonard Fournette winning the Rookie of the Year because Fournette is going to lead the Jaguars to the playoffs and the NFL rules clearly state: "If you are the reason the Jacksonville Jaguars make the playoffs you must be given the ROY award."
- And finally, I have New England over Seattle in the Super Bowl.
CINCINNATI BENGALS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (-6)
I swear to Tim Tebow, this is a an actual screen-shotted conversation that my wife and daughter had heading to school on Thursday:
Pick: LKLOTW Bengals (+6)
ATLANTA FALCONS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3)
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-7)
I am taking Tampa Bay (+7) and Carolina (-3) because I got drunk editing this article and had a "feeling" both of these teams were going to cover on Sunday. To answer the next question: Yes, getting drunk off of Natty Lights and picking a team because "I got a feeling" is how I make 98% of my NFL picks.
#TheMoreYouKnow
I am taking Tampa Bay (+7) and Carolina (-3) because I got drunk editing this article and had a "feeling" both of these teams were going to cover on Sunday. To answer the next question: Yes, getting drunk off of Natty Lights and picking a team because "I got a feeling" is how I make 98% of my NFL picks.
#TheMoreYouKnow
Pick: Tampa Bay (+7) Panthers (-3)
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-13)
Because of the DeShaun Watson injury my bookie does not have an up to date line for this game; therefore I am using the line that was set in my Las Vegas Super Picks contest before Watson was hurt. And, well, since this is the line I have no choice but to follow the “always take the points when Tom “I am not related to Fred” Savage is a double-digit favorite.
Pick: Colts (+13)
BALTIMORE RAVENS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-3.5)
If anyone has information as to why Mike Mularkey hates Derrick Henry will you please share it with me? Because I for the life of me can't figure out why the dude refuses to give a 6'3 250lb Mack truck -- that runs a 4.5 40 yard dash -- the football. It does not make any sense whatsoever. Seriously Mike, this is not rocket Scientology, just just give the "*******" ball to Derrick Henry.
Pick: Titans (-3.5)
ARIZONA CARDINALS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+3)
Ladies and gentlemen per "Informer" tradition, we are going to skip talking about this dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is passing off as a football game, and use this section to hand out the Week 9 Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:
#ClassicBrowns #AfroMan4Life #MustHaveHiredTheDolphinsAssitantCoach.
Pick: Cardinals (-3)
WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-7)
I have no real reason as to why I am sharing these(other than to fill space), but here are nine of my favorite stats heading into Week 9 of the 2017 NFL Season.
- Adrian Peterson only needs one rushing touchdown this week to become the ninth player in NFL history to reach 100 career rushing touchdowns. The bad news for Adrian? He is playing the San Francisco 49ers; a team he has zero career touchdowns against (in four games), and the team that once held him to a career low three yards rushing during AP's 2007 rookie season.
- Sticking with Peterson; AP needs 91-yards rushing to move passed Thurman Thomas for the 15th most rushing yards all-time.
- Larry Fitzgerald needs 42 yards receiving to pass Tim Brown for sixth all-time in NFL history.
- Matt Ryan needs one TD pass on Sunday to become the 21st player in NFL history to throw at least 250 career TD passes. He also needs three TD passes to move past Drew Bledsoe on the all-time career list. Furthermore -- the 2016 NFL MVP -- needs 17 more TD passes to leapfrog Bledsoe, Dan Fouts, Sonny Jurgensen, Dave Krieg, Joe Montana and Vinny Testaverde and into the Top 15 career TD passes.
- The New England Patriots are 43-7 in games Rob Gronkowski scores a touchdown. They are 14-1 all-time when the "Big Gronkbowski" catches multiple TD passes.
- Russell Wilson has 20,201 career passing yards and 142 touchdown passes. Andrew Luck has 19, 078 career passing yards and 132 TD passes.
- The five worst teams against the spread in 2017 are: Arizona (1-6), Tampa Bay (1-5-1), Cleveland (2-6), Washington (2-5) and the defending NFC Champion Atlanta Falcons (2-5).
- The Five best teams against the spread in 2017 are: Kansas City Chiefs (6-2), New York Jets (6-2-1), Philadelphia Eagles (6-2) Houston Texans (5-2) and the New Orleans Saints (5-2).
- Jay Cutler needs to throw four interceptions on Sunday night to surpass Tom Brady for the 56th most interceptions in NFL history.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-3)
As mentioned above, the Kansas City Chiefs are 6-2 against the spread and easily one of the four best teams in the NFL. In other words: Why in the hell is Vegas giving this team points?
Pick: Chiefs (+3)
(The Informer after the pick thought - I know we already shared the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week, but I found this meme late on Saturday night and I couldn't stop laughing. So with that in mind, here is the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week Part Deux:
#CryingHardLaughingFaceEmoji.)
OAKLAND RAIDERS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-3.5)
I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . . I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . . I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . . I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime!!!
It doesn’t really have the same ring as the “I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime”, but why the hell not? Give me the drunk one and the points on Sunday Night Football.
Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)
DETROIT LIONS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (+2)
NFL gambling rules clearly say to beware of the home underdogs in Primetime when you have two mediocre teams playing.
Pick: Packers (+2)
