I am not going to lie; due to the Patrick Mahomes injury The Informer does not really feel like writing this blog today. I mean first it was Kevin Durant's achilles tendon. Then AJ Green's ankle gets mangled because the Bengals were practicing on the Sandlot. Then Andrew Luck retires from football altogether. And now Patrick Mahomes dislocates his kneecap doing a routine quarterback sneak?
That is literally all four of my favorite teams being taken from me in the middle of their primes. I suppose this is probably just the sports Tebow's sending karma my way for liking players -- and rooting for Tom Brady all the time -- but whatever is going on it absolutely sucks donkey balls and makes me want to cry.
Don't worry. I promise I will not cry (at least not until I drink a few more Nattys). But I do have to warn everyone reading; The Informer completely mailed this blog in. My mind is here (so the picks are solid), but my heart and spirit are to beaten down to make this an entertaining and informative read.
So I apologize in advance for my piss poor effort and execution today. It is just a really tough time in The Informer's life. I hope you all can understand that while also respecting The Informer's feelings in this terrible time of mourning.
Anyways, now that we gotten the excuses out of the way, here are The Informer's Week 7 2019 NFL Picks.
As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.
Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Donkeys (+3)
The Informer's proof of Thursday Night Football Pick:
I taking the Chiefs -3 #TNF— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 17, 2019
Pick: Chiefs (-3)
Arizona Cardinals @ New York Giants (-3)
In the name of mourning -- and mailing this blog in -- here are 10 random stats about the number three heading into Week 7.
- Tom Brady needs 3 TD passes to reach 530 total for his career.
- Mathew Stafford needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Tony Romo & Boomer Easison and into the Top 22 all time.
- Russell Wilson needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Matt Hasselback and Terry Bradshaw and into the Top 35 all-time.
- Andy Dalton needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Ken Anderson and into the Top 45 all-time.
- Ryan Fitzpatrick needs 3 TD passes to move into the Top 50 all-time.
- Newly minted Titans starter Ryan "RT1" Tannehill needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Archie Manning and into the Top 105 all-time.
- Jameis Winston needs 3 TD to move ahead of Chad Pennington and into the Top 130 all-time.
- Carson Wentz needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Bill Munson and into the Top 156 all-time.
- DeShaun Watson needs 3 TD passes to reach 60 career touchdown and move into the Top 194 all-time.
- And finally, Kyler Murray needs 3 TD passes to become the first 2019 NFL rookie quarterback to reach 10 career TD passes.
(The Informer after the stats note - Jags rookie Gardner Milksteak actually has 9 TD passes on the year. So chances are the man, the myth, the legend will be the first to reach 10 TD passes. But that little fact didn't really go with my theme here; so I fudged the numbers a bit to make them work in my favor. Again, The Informer is mourning the loss of Patrick Mahomes, so please ignore the actual scientific facts and pretend what I was saying works. Thanks. I appreciate it.)
Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts (PK)
With Patrick Mahomes officially out of the MVP debate, here are The Informer's Top 5 2019 NFL MVPs:
- Russell Wilson - Explanation is simple: He is the 2019 NFL MVP through six weeks.
- Tom Brady - If the Patriots go undefeated we will have to at least discuss Tommy right?
- Run CMC - Dude is going to break the NFL All purpose yardage record. That has to count for something.
- DeShaun Watson - If Watson goes into Indy and wins this weekend -- which he will -- I think he firmly etches his name into the Top 5 MVP conversation.
- Aaron Rodgers - Packers have the Raiders and suddenly vulnerable Chiefs standing in the way of a 7-1 record. So yea, I think you are going to be hearing a little more Rodgers MVP buzz in the next few weeks.
Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills (-17.5)
San Francisco 49ers @ Washington Redskins (+10.5)
I -- like 95% of America -- have the Buffallo Bills in my "Winners" survivor poll and the Washington Redskins in my "Loser" survivor poll.
So yea.
I can totally imagine how these two "easy pick blowouts" are about to go.
Pick: Dolphins (+17.5) Washington (+10.5)
Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions (+2.5)
Here are The Informer's favorite Draft Kings' lineups for today (note -- They all involve the "Lot Lazard" and the Miami Dolphins defense. So yolo wisely folks).
QB: Matt Ryan
RB: Saquon Barkley
RB: Lataveous Murray
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
WR: Julio Jones
WR: Lot Lazard
TE: Hunter Henry
Flex: Josh Jacobs
D: Miami Dolphins
QB: Kyler Murray
RB: Saquon
RB: Dalvin Cook
WR: Lot Lazard
WR: M. Sanu
WR: Mike Williams
TE: Evan Engram
WR: T. McLaruin (Washington Rookie Stud)
D: Dolphins
QB: Matt Stafford
RB: Saquon
RB: D Cook
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
WR: Cooper Kupp
WR: Lot Lazard
TE: TJ Hockenson
Flex: Mike WIlliams
D: Dolphins
QB: Matt Ryan
RB: Saquon
RB: Josh Jacobs
WR: Charks JR
WR: T.Y. Hilton
WR: McLaurin
TE: Hooper
FLex: Mark Andrews
D: Dolphins
Pick: Vikings (-2.5)
Oakland Raiders @ Green Bay Packers (-5)
If you couldn't tell from my last two sections; I totally think Aaron Rodgers is going to ride the Lot Lazard to a win and a spot in the MVP conversation this weekend.
Pick: Packers (-5)
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Cincinnati Bengals (+4.5)
Here is this week's Blimpie Best meme of the Week:
It is funny because it is true #BradyIsThanos.
Pick: Bengals (+4.5)
Los Angeles Rams @ Atlanta Falcons (+3)
I have lost all the money I was allowed to gamble with in 2019 betting the Falcons to cover the last four weeks. So I might as well lose all the money "I am not allowed to gamble with" betting them not to cover.
Man I love gambling. It is so much fun.
#PleaseDon'tShowThisSectionToMyWifeOrMortgageHolder
Pick: Rams (-3)
San Diego Chargers @ Tennessee Titans (-2.5)
Baltimore Ravens @ Seattle HGHawks (-2.5)
I am betting the Chargers. I am also betting the HGHawks. That is it for my analysis on these game.
Pick: HGHawks (-2.5) Chargers (+2.5)
New Orleans Saints @ Chicago Bears (-4.5)
When are people going to realize the New Orleans Saints --with or without Drew Brees -- are one of the Top 4 best "teams" in the NFL? I am guessing it will be on Monday after they beat the Chicago Trabanski's.
Pick: Saints (+4.5)
Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys (-2)
Call it a "Natty Light" hunch: But I think the Eagles win this game outright. So I will be grabbing the two points and enjoying the "Philly Special Cover" in Primetime.
(I told y'all The Informer mailed this one in #WhatTheFIsAPhillySpecialCover?)
Pick: Eagles (+2)
New England Patriots @ New York Jets (+10.5)
I want everyone to listen to me very carefully: Only the drunkest of fat morons would be dumb enough to bet against Tom Brady and Bill Belichick on Monday Night Football. I promise, this is not some kind of Natty Light mind trick into making everyone bet the Jets either. I am being 100% serious. There is literally zero logical reasoning to ever betting the Jets against Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots in primetime.
Pick: Jets (+10.5)
That is a wrap for today. Again I apologize for my performance. I know it was not good enough. I will try to be better next Sunday. With that said; have a great Week 7. I hope it is filled with healthy players, lots of winning parlays and enough Natty Lights to cry yourself to sleep waiting for the great Patrick Mahomes' knee cap to heal.
THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD
Overall: 50-41-1
Last Week: 7-7
Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 4-1-1
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