Sunday, October 6, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 5



Los Angeles Rams @ Seattle HGHawks (PK)

The Informer’s proof of pick tweet:


Pick: HGHawks (PK)

Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers (+3)

I think the Ravens win this game. So I will be betting them. With that said, after back to back losses, I have decided Lamar Jackson is no longer in The Informer’s “expert opinion” Top 5 MVP rankings.

Speaking of which: Here are The Informer’s “expert opinion” Top 5 MVP rankings:
  1. Patrick Mahomes - The reigning 2018 NFL MVP had one of the worst games of his professional career last week and still ended up with 315 yards passing, 54 yards rushing and a 34-30 road victory. So yea, he is stays at number one for me.
  2. Russell Wilson - The HGHawks leader gets the benefit of already having won his Week 5 game, but even with the one game advantage it is hard to argue against Wilson -- and his 12-0 TD-INT ratio through five games -- being in the MVP talks.
  3. Tom Brady - One bad game (which the Pats won) does not take the great Tom Brady out of The Informer's MVP race. I am just saying; when the season ends and the Pats are 15-1 do you really think the voters are going to be talking about a Week 4 game against the Bills?
  4. Dak Prescott - I got Dak ahead of Aaron Rodgers for now.
  5. Aaron Rodgers - We will find out Sunday if it stays that way.  
Pick: Ravens (-3)

Chicago Bears @ Oakland Raiders (+5.5)

Normally The Informer would be a Skive Toff and put a Fiver on the Chav home underdogs. But wouldn’t you know it; this Bloody Match is taking place Across the Pond in Wembley Stadium. So the normal gambling Rubbish doesn’t count, even if It’s Monkeys Outside. So with that said; I like the Meat and Two Veg Chicago Bears to get Plastered and put the All to Pot John Gruden’s Into Her Majesty’s Pleasure. Obviously this bet won’t Horses for Courses. But if a few Bits n Bobs go Anorak, The Informer’s John Thomas will be going Off to Bedshore with an On the Pull Punter whose nice Strawberries and Cream are looking to get Up the Duff.

What The Informer is trying to say is grab some Fish n Chips, grill up the Bangers and turn the Telly on. Because on Sunday this Daft Cow is gonna Do Starkers like a Blighty Smeg creating a Dog’s Dinner for everyone.

Seriously you Wankers, this pick is Dog’s Bollocks.

Bob’s your uncle.

Pick: Bears (-5.5)

Arizona Cardinals @ Cincinnati Bengals (-3)
Jacksonville Jags @ Carolina Panthers (-3)

I am betting the two home teams. I literally have nothing else to add to this section of the blog.

Pick: Bengals (-3) Panthers (-3)

Minnesota Vikings @ New York Giants (+5.5)

Other than Dalvin Cook -- and maybe Evan Engram -- this game completely bores me. So instead of giving you hard gambling statistics as to why I am betting the Minnesota Vikings, here are three of The Informer’s favorite Draft King lineups for Sunday.

QB- Matty Ice
RB - Dalvin Cook
RB - Run CMC
WR - DJ Charks Jr
WR - Mohammad “What’s” Sanu
WR: Courtland Sutton
TE - Evan Engram
Flex - Miles Sanders (breakout week I think)
Defense- Panthers

QB - Thomas Brady
RB - Jordan Howard
RB - Run CMC
WR - DJ Chark Jr
WR - Courtland Sutton
Wr - Golden Tate
TE - Evan Engram
FLEX - Phillip Linsey
Defense- Patriots

QB- Lamar Jackson
RB - Leonard Fournette
RB - Derrick Henry
WR - Phillip Dorsett
WR- Mike Evans
WR - Courtland Sutton
TE- Austin Hooper
Flex - Mark Andrews
Defense- Pats

Pick: Vikings (-5.5)

New England Patriots @ Washington (+15.5)

Last night I had a dream The Informer was very upset that the Washington Redskins scored a last-minute touchdown to back door cover the spread and help Vegas screw 85% of the public who were betting the Patriots.

So obviously, since dreams are for suckers and never come true, I am going to be betting the Pats on Sunday.

Pick: Pats (-15.5)

New York Jets @ Philadelphia Eagles (-15)

Ladies and gentlemen here is the Blimpie Best Garner Milksteak meme of the Week:


#TheLegendContinues

Pick: Jets (+15)

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans Saints (-3)

My hard hitting gambling analysis is this: I am going to bet the Saints at home because I don’t see Tampa Bay beating the Rams-Saints on the road in back to back weeks.

Pick: Saints (-3)

Atlanta Falcons @ Houston Texans (-4)

I think this tweet pretty well sums up how I feel about this game:

Pick: Falcons (+4)

Buffalo Bills @ Tennessee Titans (-3)

Has anyone mentioned that this is a rematch of the “Music City Miracle” game? No? Just me? I am the only person in the entire internet who remembers the "Music City Miracle"?

That is strange.

Anyways, which means please don’t make me bring up Frank Reich’s comeback as well, I am betting the Bills because I love Josh Allen.

Pick: Bills (+3)

Denver Broncos @ San Diego Chargers (-5.5)

Me: The Denver Donkey’s really suck at football. I mean they are total garbage trash sh*t.

Also Me: Give me a unit on the Donkey’s +5.5. I got a good feeling about them this week.

Pick: Donkey’s (+5.5)

Green Bay Packers @ Dallas Cowboys (-3)

Aaron Rodgers getting points in Dallas is a bet I am willing to wager on.

Pick: Packers (+3)

Indianapolis Colts @ Kansas City Chiefs (-12.5)

I have decided that I am going to bet on Patrick Mahomes every single game from now until the day he reitres. I don’t care the points, the teams, or the situation: If Mahomes is playing The Informer is betting his side.

Pick: Chiefs (-12.5)

Cleveland Browns @ San Francisco 49ers (-3.5)

Before we get to my Monday Night football pick -- and wrap this blog up -- I thought we could do a quick impromptu Twitter mailbag?

Doesn’t that sound fun?

Okay, here we go:

The Joker, Darth Vader, Kate from Titanic and Danielson.


You mean where a disgruntled team owners drops all of his players and totally Throws a Spanner in the Works for the entire league? I absolutely f***ing hate it. If your team sucks, or a guy gets injured, or you didn't know the rules and drafted like a Tosser; don't be a Knob Head by "sabotage dropping" your team so that the entire league is ruined. Accept the fact that you are a Fanny Arse and take your beating like the Bugger you are.



I once ate a footlong Blimpe Best with an 8oz "well done" ribeye steak on the side --with ketchup of course -- and washed it down with a tall boy Natty Light. That's gonna be pretty tough to beat.

There has literally never been anything truer in the history of the flat Earth.

I have no idea what in the blue hell QBR is. So I don’t really know how or what they measure it by. But I will say if Patrick Mahomes is the current QBR leader then they are probably doing it correctly.

I haven’t seen Joker yet, but it looks like a movie that I will probably watch when it comes available on DVD.


I had trouble narrowing it down to just five things, so instead I went and bought a bigger time capsule box and put all of these items in.
  • My Randy Moss Vikings #84 jersey I’ve had since 1998.
  • A Blimpie’s free sandwich punch card.
  • An Armageddon BlueRay disc.
  • A Twinkie (since they don’t expire)
  • A 40oz of Natty Light.
  • My PlayStation3 (I’m not giving up my PS4 for a time capsule).
  • This link to the “One Night in Paris” X-rated movie.
  • Tom Brady
  • A Nickelback greatest hits CD.
  • A VHS tape of the Nebraska Cornhuskers winning the 1996 Fiesta Bowl.
  • The October 1989 edition of Playboy magezine.
  • A bottle of Heinz 57 ketchup (just in case they still have steak in the future).
  • A pair of Allen Iverson “The Answer 3” shoes.
  • A log of Skoal Mint long cut.
  • It’s Always Sunny complete seasons DVd set.
  • A box of Magnum condoms.
  • Bill Simmons’ Book of Basketball
  • A pack of Pall Mall reds.
  • Rollerblades.
  • And finally, this picture of Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter shirtless.


  1. Twix and Scream - Twix is my favorite candy and Scream is my favorite scary movie franchise. So obviously they go together like lamb and tuna salad.
  2. Milky Way and Ernest Scared Stupid - When I think about my childhood I think about Milky Ways and Ernest (that’s not really true, but it sounds good so I'm gonna leave it in the blog).
  3. Snickers and Friday the 13th - Snickers and Jason have been haunting camp counselors since they were invented.
  4. P.B. Cups and Halloween- I feel like PB cups are the original candy of the world and Michael Myers is the original Horror movie villain. So naturally they have to be paired together.
  5. Skittles and A Nightmare on Elm Street - Skittles have five flavors and Freddy Kruger has five knives as fingers? Does that work? Or is The Informer drunk again? Maybe we should move on?

I searched the internet for at least six minutes and I could not find any scientific evidence, or Al Gore quotes, that would disprove the theory that Chicken Nuggets are the perfect food.


Thank you for the great tweet and the many great questions. I really appreciate it. As for the answers: Miami. You misspelled Blimpies. Yes. All in the Family is not in my Top 10. And finally, Natty Light is not beer --it is the nectar of the Tim Tebow’s.


Yes the Browns will make the playoffs. In fact, not only are the Browns going to make the playoffs, I think they are going to beat the 49ers outright on Monday Night football. Which of course means I have not choice but to make the Browns (+3.5) The Informer's Week 5 Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Browns (+3.5)

 That is a wrap for folks. Once again I want to thank everyone on Twitter who took the time to ask me a question and helped make this blog great again.

I really do appreciate you all.

And finally, I hope everyone reading this has a happy Sunday filled with winning parlays, backdoor covers, Patrick Mahomes touchdowns and all of the Natty Lights your liver can handle.

Informer out.


THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

 Overall: 35-28

 Last Week: 8-7

 LKLOTW: 2-2

 Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 3-1

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