The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 8

Here are The Informer's Week 8 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.

Washington Redskins @ Minnesota Vikings (-17.5)

I am taking Washington +17.5 on #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 24, 2019

Pick: Washington (+17.5)

New York Giants @ Detroit Lions (-6.5)

When two mediocre teams play against each other the gambling rule book dictates that a person should always take the points and hope Saquon Barkley has a "Barry Sanders like" flashback while keeping the Giants close enough to win in the end.

Pick: Giants (+6.5)

Tampa Bay @ Tennessee Titans (-2.5)

Tennessee and Tampa Bay are The Informer's kryptonite this season. If I back them to win or cover; then they lose and don't cover. Likewise, if I bet against them they both will show up and play like they are the 2019 New England Patriots. It is very frustrating. But, since I am going to lose no matter what I do here, I am going to ride the home team because I want to root for Derrick Henry.

Pick: Titans (-2.5)

San Diego Chargers @ Chicago Bears (-3.5)

Before the season started I had a dream that the San Francisco 49ers easily beat the Chicago Bears in a Week 16 game. During said dream I also uttered the words "the 49ers with Jimmy G are a great bet, while the Bears are not who we thought they were".

Now, because I needed a reason to bet against the Bears this week, I have decided that this dream was not meant to represent just one game (especially considering the Bears and 49ers don't play this season) but rather that the dream was a metaphor for how the entire 2019 season was going to play out.

So from here on out; I will be betting against the Bears and backing the 49ers until my insane dream theory proves to be wrong.

Pick: Chargers (+3.5)

Seattle HGHawks @ Atlanta Falcons (+8)

To answer everyone's next question after reading the previous section: Yes, The Informer is drunk again.

Pick: HGHawks (-8)

New York Jets @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-6.5)

I love Gardner "Milksteak" Minshew as much as the next guy, but I find it hard to believe he should be an almost touchdown favorite over another NFL team. Especially a team like the Jets who were just embarrassed on Monday Night Football. So theoretically they should be playing extra hard to redeem themselves on Sunday.

At least that is what I tell myself as I am flushing my "I bet the Jets" money down the toilet.

Pick: Jets (+6.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Buffalo Bills (-2)

Josh "The Canon" Allen is 5-1 as a starter when The Informer uses his section to post the Blimpie Best meme of the Week. So in the name of moving "The Canon" to 6-1 . . . Here is the Blimpie Best meme of the Week:

#This man had a family. 

Pick: Eagles (+2)

Cincinnati Bengals @ LA Rams (-12)

The Informer is putting a double Tenner on the Dodgy Rams because London games tend to be Wonkier than a Bespoke Wanker Chatting Up an Up for It Scouser. Just make sure you have a Bog Roll in case the Rams Shamble the bed, or that Knob Head Jared Goff Throws a Spanner in the Works like a Plastered John Thomas Seeing a Man About a Dog.

Either way, it will not matter if you have Twigs & Berries or a Fanny; if the Rams can break Todd Gurley out Of Her Majesty’s Pleasure -- and a few other Bits n Bobs go our way -- I think we will all be Starkers Daft Cows eating Bangers and Chips while counting our Dobbers’s before going Off to Bedshore.

Shag Strawberry Creams and Arse. Easy Peasy One Off Across the Pond wagers are Wicked Cool on Sundays.

Bob’s Your Uncle.

Pick: Rams (-12)

Arizona Cardinals @ New Orleans Saints (-13)

I think Arizona scores a late touchdown to backdoor cover. I have zero Scientific evidence or mathematical equations to support this theory.

Pick: Cards (+13)

Oakland Raiders @ Houston Texans (-6)

The Informer is not someone who like's to self promote, brag about, or say look at me (I am totally this type of person); but I made a music video using the theme song from my favorite new podcast on the internet -- The Crackin' Natty's Podcast -- and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did not use this section to completely ignore the Oakland Raiders and self-gloat about how catchy the tune is and how well produced the video turned out.

I created a song for my friends podcast #CrackinNattys, so today I thought I’d turn that song into a music video #NattysUp pic.twitter.com/sT2ZtkfTDD

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 25, 2019

#LetsCrackSomeNatties

Pick: Texans (-6)

Carolina Panthers @ San Francisco 49ers (-5)

Have a dream that says the 49ers are a great bet. Remember the dream three months later and write about it in your blog so your readers can see how much a psycho you are. Finally, get rich after betting 49ers.

Seems like a totally logical gambling strategy.

Pick: 49ers (-5)

Denver Broncos @ Indianapolis Colts (-5)

I think the Colts are good. I think the Donkeys are trash. Therefore I will not be betting the Donkey's on the road against the Colts.

It really is that simple.

Pick: Colts (-5)

Cleveland Browns @ New England Patriots (-10.5)

Bless me Tebow for I have sinned. It has been five years since my last "I bet against Tom Brady in Primetime" confession. My gambling sin is this: Last week I ignored all your teachings and bet against Tom Brady in primetime even though I knew I was committing a mortal gambling sin. Even worse though, I told all the people reading this blog to bet against Tom Brady. So not only did I knowingly commit gambling adultery for the fourth time in my life; I also pressured others to join me. I promise I am truly sorry for what I have done. I know you are an all forgiving Tebow; so I hope you can see that this time I really did I learn from my mistake. I also vow that I will never again utter the words "I am betting against Tom Brady". I just hope that you can see my actions from last week do not represent who I truly am as a gambler. I ask for this forgiveness in the name of the Father Bill Belichick, the son Tom Brady and the Holy Ghost  Tim Tebow.

Pick: Patriots (-10.5)

Green Bay Packers @ Kansas City Chiefs (+5)

I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I really want to cry because I wish this was Mahomes vs Rodgers . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I'll just drown my Mahomes-sarrows with Natty Lights . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I LOVE YOU MAHOMES!!!!!!!!!! . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team!!!

Are we all on the same "don't bet against the red hot MVP bound Aaron Rodgers" page here?

Pick: Packers (-5)

Miami Dolphins @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-14)

Nope next. And no I do not care that this is Monday Night Football. You can't make me write about this bag of bamboo sh*t the NFL is trying to call football.

Moving on.

Pick: Dolphins (+14)

Before we go here is The Informer's "I think this guy will be the MVP at the end of the season rankings (note I am not saying they are the MVP today, I am saying they will be after it is all said and done):

1. Aaron Rodgers - The media loves when Aaron Rodgers is great. Right now Aaron Rodgers is great. That makes him my MVP favorite as long as he keeps winning (and I think his defense is finally good enough to keep winning).
2. Tom Brady - If the Patriots go 16-0 or 15-1 or 14-2 Tom Brady will be in the Top 3 MVP discussions. In other news the Patriots are going to finish 16-0 or 15-1 or 14-2. So yea.
3. Russell Wilson - I have Wilson ahead of Lamar even though Lamar outduled Russ last week.
4. Lamar Jackson - So take these MVP mid season rankings with a grain of concaine and a fifth of Natty. 
5. Run CMC - Because The Informer can't tell the future. So all of these projections are based on what has happened and what I think "will happen" as the season goes on.

And on that note, we are done with Week 8. I hope y'all have a great Sunday filled with winning parlays, cold Natty's and enough back door covers to make your bookie go back to hooking.

Good luck.

The Informer Out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 58-47-1

Last Week: 8-6

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 5-1-1

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 2

Here are The Informer’s Week 2 NFL Picks. As always, please remember that these picks are only to be used for reckless and illegal gambling purposes.

Tampa Bay @ Carolina Panthers (-6.5)

Proof of Thursday night pick tweet:

I’m taking the Panthers (-6.5) and the thing I said I would no longer talk about under 24 #TNF # pic.twitter.com/Qm8xAJ5MTZ

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 12, 2019

Pick: Carolina (-6.5)

San Francisco 49ers @ Cincinnati Bengals (PK)

Me: Okay Informer, if you are ever going to be taken seriously as a writer you need to cutdown on the bull crap. That means no more random out of context tidbits, stories or rants. I’m being serious Informer. From this point forward useless facts and tangents are strictly forbidden.

Also me:

Did you know the 49ers and Bengals have a total of 34 combined letters in their names (17 for each team)? Did you also know that is not the most combined letters for two teams playing against each other? Nope there are actually four NFL combinations (all involving the Jacksonville Jaguars) that have a total of 37 combined letters.

Those matchups are

Jacksonville Jaguars and Pittsburgh Steelers
Jacksonville Jaguars  and Washington Redskins
Jacksonville Jaguars and Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Jacksonville Jaguars and New England Patriots

#TheMoreUselessStuffYouKnow

(The Informer actual gambling note of the day- This line has moved from Bengals -2 to a pick’em; which means all of the public money is currently on the 49ers. So keep that in mind when you are building your brand new Casino placing your bets.)

Pick: Bengals (PK)

San Diego Chargers @ Detroit Lions (+1.5)

I don’t really care about these two teams, so instead of talking about them how about we discuss The Informer’s “After Week 1” MVP rankings?

1. Lamar Jackson - A right handed Michael Vick. I honestly think if he stays healthy Baltimore is gonna be  right there with Kansas City and New England come January.
2. Patrick Mahomes - Remember when all the experts said to wait on a quarterback because Mahomes was going to high in fantasy drafts? Yea those people were wrong. I mean seriously, the dude had 315 yards passing in the first half. He is amazing.
3. Tom Brady - That’s What I love about these Tom Brady football games: "I get older and he stays the same age."
4. Sammy Watkins - If he catches 3 TDs a week I think he will have a shot to win the award.
5. Dak Prescott - If the Cowboys win the NFC East, then Dak will be in the MVP conversation.

Pick: Lions (+1.5)

Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers (-3)

That whole Top 5 ranking thing was kind of fun. I think we should do some more of that. So here are five more random lists of "Informer Top 5 Favorite Things."

NFL  nicknames

1. Josh “The Cannon Missile” Allen
2. Gardener “Milksteak”
3. AJ “The Sickness” Green
4. Mitch “Trabanski”
5. Marlon “Return of the Mack”

2019 TV Shows

1. It’s Always Sunny
2. Yellowstone
3. BH90210
4. Blue Bloods
5. NFL Primetime #ItsBackBaby

Sub Sandwich Shops

1. Blimpies
2. Jersey Mike’s
3. Firehouse Subs
4. Which Wich
5. Jimmy John’s

Keno Number Combinations

1. 17-52
2. 2-13
3. 6-17
4. 1-69-80
5. 2-4-6-13-17-20

Fast & Furious Movies

1. Fast & Furious 1
2. Fast & Furious 4
3. Fast & Furious 7
4. Fast & Furious 5
5. Fast & Furious 6

Pick: Packers (-2.5)

Indianapolis Colts @ Tennessee Titans (-3)

I may not be a scientist, but even I am smart enough to know that there is no way on Tim Tebow's Green Earth the Tennessee Titans are going to lose at home on the same day they retire Steve “Air” McNair and Eddie George’s jerseys.

Go ahead and Lion King Lock this in as a Titans win and cover folks.

Pick: LKLOTW Titans (-3)

New England Patriots @ Miami Dolphins (+19)

75% of the public is betting against an 18.5 point double digit home underdog.

Tom Brady is 1-5 in his last six games in Miami.

The Patriots under Bill Belichick  are 0-5 against the spread when the line is over 18 points.

“Informer are you seriously trying to make a case for betting the Miami Dolphins against Tom Brady? Man I think you have finally drank yourself stupid. Seriously, there is not enough gambling rules in the world to entice me to place hard earned money on the clogged toilet of a dumpster fire piece of s*** Miami Trash.”

Did you just say "clogged toilet of a dumpster fire piece of s***? That's a weird use of the English language flex, but ok. I like it. As far as the gambling goes; I am just letting you know what the rule book says. And in this case the rule book clearly states you have no choice but to bet the Miami clogged toilets.

Pick: Clogged Toilets (+19)

Buffalo Bills @ New York Giants (+1.5)

As long as Josh “The Cannon Missile” Allen keeps winning, I have no choice but to keep using his section for the Blimpie Best meme of the week:

I don't care who you are, that is freaking hilarious. #SugeBelichick

Pick: Bills (-1.5)

Seattle HGHawks @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-4)

Dallas Cowboys @ Washington Redskins (+6)

According to my very mediocre internet searching skills, Dallas and Pittsburgh are the two highest betted (Is betted a word?) teams this week; with each team getting 80% of the action in their favor. Well, as we keep saying on this blog, when 80% of the bets are going one way, it is smart for the person to zag the opposite way.

#KeepBuildingThemCasinosVegas #InCaseKeenumWeTrust #HGHawks.

Pick: Washington (+6) HGHawks (+4)

Arizona Cardinals @ Baltimore Ravens (-13)

65% of the public bets are on a rookie quarterback making his first career road start against the Baltimore Ravens? I just don’t like those odds.

Pick: Ravens (-13)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans (-9)

In honor of the Texans being favored by nine points, here are nine random Informer thoughts, questions and hot takes:

1. Despite dropping his first pass since the 2017 season, I still think DeAndre Hopkins is pretty good at football.
2. Josh Jacobs, Miles Sanders, Devin Singletary, Hockinson, Gardner Milk Steak, Kyler Murray and Hollywood Brown are rookies I love.
3. Classic Jets. #Mono? #Really?
4. Adrian Peterson, making his first start of the 2019 NFL season this Sunday against the Cowboys, needs one rushing touchdown to break a 5th place tie with Jim Brown for career touchdowns.
5. Dear NFL, more Monday night doubleheaders and less Thursday night football. Please and thank you.
6. I once said there was no way in the bluest of blue hells that I would ever pay money for the ESPN premium app. So what did ESPN do? They totally made The Informer a filthy liar thanks to their announcement that Chris Berman and Tom Jackson were bringing NFL Primetime out of retirement. It literally took me six minutes after reading the news for me to give you my credit card information. Well played ESPN. Well played indeed.
7. I’m not sure who needs to hear this but I’m going to say it anyways: Julio Jones— aka the guy who never catches touchdowns — has caught a touchdown pass in five straight games.
8. Tom Brady only needs three TD passes to surpass Peyton Manning for second place on the all time career list. Also, Tom Brady plays the Miami Dolphins this week. #ItWasAGoodRunPeyton
9. I think I would not be doing my job as a famous sports blogger if I didn’t point out that the 1st half under in Primetime is 5-0 on the season.

Pick: Jags (+9)

Kansas City Chiefs @ Oakland Raiders (-7)

For fun, let's play a quick game of compare these players at age 26.

Player A: 241 receptions, 3,506 yards & 32 TDs
Player B: 241 receptions, 3,769 yards & 31 TDs

What if I told you that player A went on to become an NFL Hall of Famer who finished his career with 1,101 receptions, 13,899 yards & 130 TDs (Chris Carter), while player B is Chiefs wide receiver Sammy Watkins who still has 15 games left in his age 26 season?

I wanted to bring up this comparison for a few reasons. First, I found it interesting that both guys came into the NFL with huge expectations but only lasted 3-years with the teams that drafted them (Carter & Eagles, Watkins & Bills). Secondly, I wanted to point out that while Sammy's career has not gone the way many experts (myself included) expected, if you look at what Carter did after his age 26 season; then it would appear Watkins still has plenty of time to achieve that greatness.

I for one am 100% rooting (and expecting now that he has Mahomes as his QB) for Sammy to do it. Because the NFL is always better when great players reach their great potential.

Pick: Chiefs (-7)

Chicago Trabanski’s @ Denver Donkey’s (+2.5)

Things I would rather do then bet Mitch Trabanski as a road favorite:

Wash the dishes. Eat asparagus. Crack. Watch Nic Cage’s movie “The Wicker Man”. Go for a jog. Tell my wife she is overreacting. Put goat cheese on my pizza. Drink Coors Light. Lose to a 9-year old in an NFL Picks off. Go scarf/vail shopping with Cam Newton. Order a fake impossible Whopper from Burger King. Bet the 1st half over in Primetime. And finally, I would rather bet Joe Flacco starting his first home game as a Denver Donkey in the stadium that made him a hero.

Pick: Donkey’s (+2.5)

New Orleans Saints @ LA Rams (-1.5)

If the WWE NFL writers really want this Saints-Rams feud to reach its full potential, then they have to put the Rams over on Sunday. And if they are truly looking for“X-PAC” nuclear heat, then they have no choice but to let the Rams win with a questionable penalty call from Earl Hebner the refs late in the game.

Of course, if the writers -- in the name of being best for Fox business -- are going to script the Saints into a “Montreal Screw Job” finish on Sunday; then I have no choice but to load the heels Rams

Pick: Rams (-1.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Atlanta Falcons (+2.5)

I’m betting the Atlanta Falcons. I have no good reason or scientific data to support this decision. This is purely an "I want to root for the team I like on Sunday Night Football" so I am going to bet them pick. So please take this selection with a grain of cocaine.

Pick: Falcons (+2.5)

Cleveland Browns @ New York Jets (+2.5 & +7)

I got the Browns at (-2.5) in my Super Picks contest, but I know with Sam "Mono y Darnold" out this line jumped to (-7). I also know since it was announced "The Mono Man" was out, the public has been throwing money on the Browns like they were a rapper at the strip club. And, well, since we keep saying not to follow the public bets; I decided I will be keeping the Browns at (-2.5) in my Super Picks contest, while also betting the Jets (+7) for the cover.

In the gambling world I think this is called having your Blimpies and drinking your Natties to.

Pick: Browns (-2.5) & Jets (+7)

That is a wrap folks. I hope your Sunday is filled with cold Natties, at least one Blimpie Best, winning parlays, backdoor covers, 1st half unders and enough 3-team teasers to kill a small community bank.

Informer out.



THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 11-5

Last Week: 11-5

Lion King Lock of the Week: 1-0

1st Half Under in Primetime: 5-0