Here are The Informer’s Week 2 NFL Picks. As always, please remember that these picks are only to be used for reckless and illegal gambling purposes.
Tampa Bay @ Carolina Panthers (-6.5)
Proof of Thursday night pick tweet:
I’m taking the Panthers (-6.5) and the thing I said I would no longer talk about under 24 #TNF # pic.twitter.com/Qm8xAJ5MTZ— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 12, 2019
Pick: Carolina (-6.5)
San Francisco 49ers @ Cincinnati Bengals (PK)
Me: Okay Informer, if you are ever going to be taken seriously as a writer you need to cutdown on the bull crap. That means no more random out of context tidbits, stories or rants. I’m being serious Informer. From this point forward useless facts and tangents are strictly forbidden.
Also me:
Did you know the 49ers and Bengals have a total of 34 combined letters in their names (17 for each team)? Did you also know that is not the most combined letters for two teams playing against each other? Nope there are actually four NFL combinations (all involving the Jacksonville Jaguars) that have a total of 37 combined letters.
Those matchups are
Jacksonville Jaguars and Pittsburgh Steelers
Jacksonville Jaguars and Washington Redskins
Jacksonville Jaguars and Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Jacksonville Jaguars and New England Patriots
#TheMoreUselessStuffYouKnow
(The Informer actual gambling note of the day- This line has moved from Bengals -2 to a pick’em; which means all of the public money is currently on the 49ers. So keep that in mind when you are
Pick: Bengals (PK)
San Diego Chargers @ Detroit Lions (+1.5)
I don’t really care about these two teams, so instead of talking about them how about we discuss The Informer’s “After Week 1” MVP rankings?
- Lamar Jackson - A right handed Michael Vick. I honestly think if he stays healthy Baltimore is gonna be right there with Kansas City and New England come January.
- Patrick Mahomes - Remember when all the experts said to wait on a quarterback because Mahomes was going to high in fantasy drafts? Yea those people were wrong. I mean seriously, the dude had 315 yards passing in the first half. He is amazing.
- Tom Brady - That’s What I love about these Tom Brady football games: "I get older and he stays the same age."
- Sammy Watkins - If he catches 3 TDs a week I think he will have a shot to win the award.
- Dak Prescott - If the Cowboys win the NFC East, then Dak will be in the MVP conversation.
Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers (-3)
That whole Top 5 ranking thing was kind of fun. I think we should do some more of that. So here are five more random lists of "Informer Top 5 Favorite Things."
NFL nicknames
- Josh “The Cannon Missile” Allen
- Gardener “Milksteak”
- AJ “The Sickness” Green
- Mitch “Trabanski”
- Marlon “Return of the Mack”
- It’s Always Sunny
- Yellowstone
- BH90210
- Blue Bloods
- NFL Primetime #ItsBackBaby
- Blimpies
- Jersey Mike’s
- Firehouse Subs
- Which Wich
- Jimmy John’s
- 17-52
- 2-13
- 6-17
- 1-69-80
- 2-4-6-13-17-20
- Fast & Furious 1
- Fast & Furious 4
- Fast & Furious 7
- Fast & Furious 5
- Fast & Furious 6
Indianapolis Colts @ Tennessee Titans (-3)
I may not be a scientist, but even I am smart enough to know that there is no way on Tim Tebow's Green Earth the Tennessee Titans are going to lose at home on the same day they retire Steve “Air” McNair and Eddie George’s jerseys.
Go ahead and Lion King Lock this in as a Titans win and cover folks.
Pick: LKLOTW Titans (-3)
New England Patriots @ Miami Dolphins (+19)
75% of the public is betting against an 18.5 point double digit home underdog.
Tom Brady is 1-5 in his last six games in Miami.
The Patriots under Bill Belichick are 0-5 against the spread when the line is over 18 points.
“Informer are you seriously trying to make a case for betting the Miami Dolphins against Tom Brady? Man I think you have finally drank yourself stupid. Seriously, there is not enough gambling rules in the world to entice me to place hard earned money on the clogged toilet of a dumpster fire piece of s*** Miami Trash.”
Did you just say "clogged toilet of a dumpster fire piece of s***? That's a weird use of the English language flex, but ok. I like it. As far as the gambling goes; I am just letting you know what the rule book says. And in this case the rule book clearly states you have no choice but to bet the Miami clogged toilets.
Pick: Clogged Toilets (+19)
Buffalo Bills @ New York Giants (+1.5)
As long as Josh “The Cannon Missile” Allen keeps winning, I have no choice but to keep using his section for the Blimpie Best meme of the week:
I don't care who you are, that is freaking hilarious. #SugeBelichick
Pick: Bills (-1.5)
Seattle HGHawks @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-4)
Dallas Cowboys @ Washington Redskins (+6)
According to my very mediocre internet searching skills, Dallas and Pittsburgh are the two highest betted (Is betted a word?) teams this week; with each team getting 80% of the action in their favor. Well, as we keep saying on this blog, when 80% of the bets are going one way, it is smart for the person to zag the opposite way.
#KeepBuildingThemCasinosVegas #InCaseKeenumWeTrust #HGHawks.
Pick: Washington (+6) HGHawks (+4)
Arizona Cardinals @ Baltimore Ravens (-13)
65% of the public bets are on a rookie quarterback making his first career road start against the Baltimore Ravens? I just don’t like those odds.
Pick: Ravens (-13)
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans (-9)
In honor of the Texans being favored by nine points, here are nine random Informer thoughts, questions and hot takes:
- Despite dropping his first pass since the 2017 season, I still think DeAndre Hopkins is pretty good at football.
- Josh Jacobs, Miles Sanders, Devin Singletary, Hockinson, Gardner Milk Steak, Kyler Murray and Hollywood Brown are rookies I love.
- Classic Jets. #Mono? #Really?
- Adrian Peterson, making his first start of the 2019 NFL season this Sunday against the Cowboys, needs one rushing touchdown to break a 5th place tie with Jim Brown for career touchdowns.
- Dear NFL, more Monday night doubleheaders and less Thursday night football. Please and thank you.
- I once said there was no way in the bluest of blue hells that I would ever pay money for the ESPN premium app. So what did ESPN do? They totally made The Informer a filthy liar thanks to their announcement that Chris Berman and Tom Jackson were bringing NFL Primetime out of retirement. It literally took me six minutes after reading the news for me to give you my credit card information. Well played ESPN. Well played indeed.
- I’m not sure who needs to hear this but I’m going to say it anyways: Julio Jones— aka the guy who never catches touchdowns — has caught a touchdown pass in five straight games.
- Tom Brady only needs three TD passes to surpass Peyton Manning for second place on the all time career list. Also, Tom Brady plays the Miami Dolphins this week. #ItWasAGoodRunPeyton
- I think I would not be doing my job as a famous sports blogger if I didn’t point out that the 1st half under in Primetime is 5-0 on the season.
Kansas City Chiefs @ Oakland Raiders (-7)
For fun, let's play a quick game of compare these players at age 26.
Player A: 241 receptions, 3,506 yards & 32 TDs
Player B: 241 receptions, 3,769 yards & 31 TDs
What if I told you that player A went on to become an NFL Hall of Famer who finished his career with 1,101 receptions, 13,899 yards & 130 TDs (Chris Carter), while player B is Chiefs wide receiver Sammy Watkins who still has 15 games left in his age 26 season?
I wanted to bring up this comparison for a few reasons. First, I found it interesting that both guys came into the NFL with huge expectations but only lasted 3-years with the teams that drafted them (Carter & Eagles, Watkins & Bills). Secondly, I wanted to point out that while Sammy's career has not gone the way many experts (myself included) expected, if you look at what Carter did after his age 26 season; then it would appear Watkins still has plenty of time to achieve that greatness.
I for one am 100% rooting (and expecting now that he has Mahomes as his QB) for Sammy to do it. Because the NFL is always better when great players reach their great potential.
Pick: Chiefs (-7)
Chicago Trabanski’s @ Denver Donkey’s (+2.5)
Things I would rather do then bet Mitch Trabanski as a road favorite:
Wash the dishes. Eat asparagus. Crack. Watch Nic Cage’s movie “The Wicker Man”. Go for a jog. Tell my wife she is overreacting. Put goat cheese on my pizza. Drink Coors Light. Lose to a 9-year old in an NFL Picks off. Go scarf/vail shopping with Cam Newton. Order a fake impossible Whopper from Burger King. Bet the 1st half over in Primetime. And finally, I would rather bet Joe Flacco starting his first home game as a Denver Donkey in the stadium that made him a hero.
Pick: Donkey’s (+2.5)
New Orleans Saints @ LA Rams (-1.5)
If the
Of course, if the writers -- in the name of being best for Fox business -- are going to script the Saints into a “Montreal Screw Job” finish on Sunday; then I have no choice but to load the
Pick: Rams (-1.5)
Philadelphia Eagles @ Atlanta Falcons (+2.5)
I’m betting the Atlanta Falcons. I have no good reason or scientific data to support this decision. This is purely an "I want to root for the team I like on Sunday Night Football" so I am going to bet them pick. So please take this selection with a grain of cocaine.
Pick: Falcons (+2.5)
Cleveland Browns @ New York Jets (+2.5 & +7)
I got the Browns at (-2.5) in my Super Picks contest, but I know with Sam "Mono y Darnold" out this line jumped to (-7). I also know since it was announced "The Mono Man" was out, the public has been throwing money on the Browns like they were a rapper at the strip club. And, well, since we keep saying not to follow the public bets; I decided I will be keeping the Browns at (-2.5) in my Super Picks contest, while also betting the Jets (+7) for the cover.
In the gambling world I think this is called having your Blimpies and drinking your Natties to.
Pick: Browns (-2.5) & Jets (+7)
That is a wrap folks. I hope your Sunday is filled with cold Natties, at least one Blimpie Best, winning parlays, backdoor covers, 1st half unders and enough 3-team teasers to kill a small community bank.
Informer out.
THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD
Overall: 11-5
Last Week: 11-5
Lion King Lock of the Week: 1-0
1st Half Under in Primetime: 5-0
