Sunday, November 3, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 9



Here are The Informer’s Week 9 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.

San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals (+10)

The 49ers won, they did not cover. That means I am still alive in both of my “NFL Pick” polls (thank you 49ers), but it also means I am officially 0-1 ATS on the Week (there is a reason we follow the double digit home underdog rule folks). With all that said, starting 0-1 means only one thing to me: We are going 13-1 in Week 9.



Pick: 49ers (-10)

Houston Texans @ Jacksonville Jaguars (+1)

The Informer is putting a double Tenner on the Dodgy Texans because London games tend to be Wonkier than a Bespoke Wanker Chatting Up an Up for It Scouser. Just make sure you have a Bog Roll in case DeShaun and company accidentally Shamble the bed, or that Knob Head Gardner “Milksteak” Minshew Throws a Spanner in the Works like a Plastered John Thomas Seeing a Man About a Dog.

Either way, it will not matter if you have Twigs & Berries or a Fanny; if the Texans can break DeAndre out Of Her Majesty’s Pleasure -- and a few other Bits n Bobs go our way -- I think we will all be Starker Daft Cows eating Bangers and Chips while counting our Dobbers’s before going Off to Bedshore.

Shag Strawberry Creams and Arse. Easy Peasy One Off Across the Pond wagers are Wicked Cool on Sundays.

Bob’s Your Uncle proof of Sunday morning pick tweet:.



Pick: Texans (-1)

Washington Redskins @ Buffalo Bills (-10.5)

Dwayne Haskins making his first career start in Buffalo against a Bills team that needs to bounce back after an embarrassing home loss in Week 8? Sounds like a person would have to be a total Legless Wazzock who is not scared of a rookie quarterback getting the Collywobbles in his first road start to bet Washington today.

Pick: Washington (+10.5)

Minnesota Vikings @ Kansas City Chiefs (+3.5)

No Mahomes, No MaChiefs bet for The Informer. Sometimes it is that simple.

Pick: Vikings (-3.5)

New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins (+3)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Go home NFL. You are obviously drunker than 10 Informer's at a Natty Light drinking contest.

Pick: Jets (-3)

Chicago Bears @ Philadelphia Eagles (-4.5)

Betting Mitch Trabanski on the road in 2019. Why the hell not.

#Yolo #RevengeOfTheDoubleDoinkGameTime

Pick: Bears (+4.5)

Indianapolis Colts @ Pittsburgh Steelers (+1)

I am betting the Colts to win in Pittsburgh on Sunday. Without doing any research whatsoever, I can tell you that in my 30+ years of living I have never seen the Colts win a game in Pittsburgh. I would also like to point out the Steelers are 24-5 all-time vs Indy --including five straight victories.

So yea.

This should be a real gas.

Pick: Colts (-1)

Tennessee Titans @ Carolina Panthers (-3.5)
Detroit Lions @ Oakland Raiders (-2.5)

I am taking the points with both road dogs. I have no scientific evidence, sound advice from a male nurse, or geographical photos to explain why I am doing this. But since this is my blog, and I am running out of time before the Jags-Texans game kicks off, I am still going to do it.

Pick: Titans (+3.5) Lions (+2.5)

Tampa Bay @ Seattle HGHawks (-5)

HGHawks haven’t had a good convincing home win all season. So, I mean, eventually it has to happen right?

Pick: HGHawks (-5)

Cleveland Browns @ Denver Donkey’s (+4)
Green Bay @ San Diego Chargers (+4)
New England Patriots @ Baltimore Ravens (+3)

These are my three favorite bets of the week. All three will be in every single parlay, teaser and Super Picks contest I partake in today. My reasoning for this is simple:
  1. The Donkey’s are starting a quarterback. That is legit the only things I know about the guy.
  2. It is against my religion to bet against Aaron Rodgers whenever he is having an MVP caliber season.
  3. It is really really against my religion to ever bet against Tom Brady in Primetime.

Pick: Browns (-4) MVP Aaron Rodgers (-4) Tom Brady in Primetime (-3)

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Giants (+6.5)

Y’all I know this week was short and sweet, I apologize for that. The morning football game threw off the timeline so I was rushed to get this out. Just know that even though the article was short and sweet, the picks are going to be gangbusters as usual (68-52-1 on the season).

That is all I got for Week 9. Good luck. May your Sunday be filled with Natty Lights, winning wagers, backdoor covers and all of the three team parlays.

The Informer out.

Pick: Cowboys (-6.5)


THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 68-52-1

Last Week: 10-5

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 6-1-1

 (Informer after the blog note: For fun here are a few of my favorite tweets from the past week. If you want to partake please go follow @therealinformer on the Twitter. We have lots of fun over there.)







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Sunday, October 27, 2019

The Prodigy's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 8



The Prodigy: What is the difference between the Miami Dolphins and The Informer?

The Informer: This should be fun, what?

The Prodigy: The Miami Dolphin's parents still love them even though they are 0-8 losers on the season.

The Informer: Wow. . . That was cold even for a 9-year old. You know words hurt right?

Also The Informer:

Okay, so young AC didn't really say The Informer's parents don't love him anymore. But the kid did imply that The Informer and the Miami Dolphins are vary similar when it comes to their suckatude (Is suckatude a word? Can I say suckatude while talking about a 9-year old's NFL Picks?)

Either way, the facts are The Prodigy is kicking  backside and taking names when it comes to NFL Picks this year. So I would implore you all to take his picks seriously. Also if you want to know the how and why, watch the video below.

With all that said; here are The Prodigy's Week 8 NFL Picks:

The Prodigy Straight UP: Viking, Hawks, Saints, Bears, Jags, Lions, Bucs, Bills, Rams, Colts, 49ers, Pats, Texans, Packers, Dolphins

The Prodigy ATS: Vikings, Hawks, Saints, Bears, Jets, Giants, Bucs, Bills, Colts, Rams, 49ers, Browns, Texans, Chiefs, Steelers



For Records sake here are The Informer's Straight Up Picks: Vikings, Hawks, Saints, Chargers, Jags, Lions, Titans, Eagles, Colts, 49ers, Pats, Texans, Packers and Steelers



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The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 8



Here are The Informer's Week 8 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.

 Washington Redskins @ Minnesota Vikings (-17.5)

Pick: Washington (+17.5)

New York Giants @ Detroit Lions (-6.5)

When two mediocre teams play against each other the gambling rule book dictates that a person should always take the points and hope Saquon Barkley has a "Barry Sanders like" flashback while keeping the Giants close enough to win in the end.

Pick: Giants (+6.5)

Tampa Bay @ Tennessee Titans (-2.5)

Tennessee and Tampa Bay are The Informer's kryptonite this season. If I back them to win or cover; then they lose and don't cover. Likewise, if I bet against them they both will show up and play like they are the 2019 New England Patriots. It is very frustrating. But, since I am going to lose no matter what I do here, I am going to ride the home team because I want to root for Derrick Henry.

Pick: Titans (-2.5)

San Diego Chargers @ Chicago Bears (-3.5)

Before the season started I had a dream that the San Francisco 49ers easily beat the Chicago Bears in a Week 16 game. During said dream I also uttered the words "the 49ers with Jimmy G are a great bet, while the Bears are not who we thought they were".

Now, because I needed a reason to bet against the Bears this week, I have decided that this dream was not meant to represent just one game (especially considering the Bears and 49ers don't play this season) but rather that the dream was a metaphor for how the entire 2019 season was going to play out.

So from here on out; I will be betting against the Bears and backing the 49ers until my insane dream theory proves to be wrong.

Pick: Chargers (+3.5)

Seattle HGHawks @ Atlanta Falcons (+8)

To answer everyone's next question after reading the previous section: Yes, The Informer is drunk again.

Pick: HGHawks (-8)

New York Jets @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-6.5)

I love Gardner "Milksteak" Minshew as much as the next guy, but I find it hard to believe he should be an almost touchdown favorite over another NFL team. Especially a team like the Jets who were just embarrassed on Monday Night Football. So theoretically they should be playing extra hard to redeem themselves on Sunday.

At least that is what I tell myself as I am flushing my "I bet the Jets" money down the toilet.

Pick: Jets (+6.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Buffalo Bills (-2)

Josh "The Canon" Allen is 5-1 as a starter when The Informer uses his section to post the Blimpie Best meme of the Week. So in the name of moving "The Canon" to 6-1 . . . Here is the Blimpie Best meme of the Week:



#This man had a family. 

Pick: Eagles (+2)

Cincinnati Bengals @ LA Rams (-12)

The Informer is putting a double Tenner on the Dodgy Rams because London games tend to be Wonkier than a Bespoke Wanker Chatting Up an Up for It Scouser. Just make sure you have a Bog Roll in case the Rams Shamble the bed, or that Knob Head Jared Goff Throws a Spanner in the Works like a Plastered John Thomas Seeing a Man About a Dog.

Either way, it will not matter if you have Twigs & Berries or a Fanny; if the Rams can break Todd Gurley out Of Her Majesty’s Pleasure -- and a few other Bits n Bobs go our way -- I think we will all be Starkers Daft Cows eating Bangers and Chips while counting our Dobbers’s before going Off to Bedshore.

Shag Strawberry Creams and Arse. Easy Peasy One Off Across the Pond wagers are Wicked Cool on Sundays.

Bob’s Your Uncle.

Pick: Rams (-12)

Arizona Cardinals @ New Orleans Saints (-13)

I think Arizona scores a late touchdown to backdoor cover. I have zero Scientific evidence or mathematical equations to support this theory.

Pick: Cards (+13)

Oakland Raiders @ Houston Texans (-6)

The Informer is not someone who like's to self promote, brag about, or say look at me (I am totally this type of person); but I made a music video using the theme song from my favorite new podcast on the internet -- The Crackin' Natty's Podcast -- and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did not use this section to completely ignore the Oakland Raiders and self-gloat about how catchy the tune is and how well produced the video turned out.


#LetsCrackSomeNatties

Pick: Texans (-6)

Carolina Panthers @ San Francisco 49ers (-5)

Have a dream that says the 49ers are a great bet. Remember the dream three months later and write about it in your blog so your readers can see how much a psycho you are. Finally, get rich after betting 49ers.

Seems like a totally logical gambling strategy.

Pick: 49ers (-5)

Denver Broncos @ Indianapolis Colts (-5)

I think the Colts are good. I think the Donkeys are trash. Therefore I will not be betting the Donkey's on the road against the Colts.

It really is that simple.

Pick: Colts (-5)

Cleveland Browns @ New England Patriots (-10.5)

Bless me Tebow for I have sinned. It has been five years since my last "I bet against Tom Brady in Primetime" confession. My gambling sin is this: Last week I ignored all your teachings and bet against Tom Brady in primetime even though I knew I was committing a mortal gambling sin. Even worse though, I told all the people reading this blog to bet against Tom Brady. So not only did I knowingly commit gambling adultery for the fourth time in my life; I also pressured others to join me. I promise I am truly sorry for what I have done. I know you are an all forgiving Tebow; so I hope you can see that this time I really did I learn from my mistake. I also vow that I will never again utter the words "I am betting against Tom Brady". I just hope that you can see my actions from last week do not represent who I truly am as a gambler. I ask for this forgiveness in the name of the Father Bill Belichick, the son Tom Brady and the Holy Ghost  Tim Tebow.

Pick: Patriots (-10.5)

 Green Bay Packers @ Kansas City Chiefs (+5)

I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I really want to cry because I wish this was Mahomes vs Rodgers . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I'll just drown my Mahomes-sarrows with Natty Lights . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I LOVE YOU MAHOMES!!!!!!!!!! . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team!!!

Are we all on the same "don't bet against the red hot MVP bound Aaron Rodgers" page here?

Pick: Packers (-5)

Miami Dolphins @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-14)

Nope next. And no I do not care that this is Monday Night Football. You can't make me write about this bag of bamboo sh*t the NFL is trying to call football.

Moving on.

Pick: Dolphins (+14)

Before we go here is The Informer's "I think this guy will be the MVP at the end of the season rankings (note I am not saying they are the MVP today, I am saying they will be after it is all said and done):
  1. Aaron Rodgers - The media loves when Aaron Rodgers is great. Right now Aaron Rodgers is great. That makes him my MVP favorite as long as he keeps winning (and I think his defense is finally good enough to keep winning).
  2. Tom Brady - If the Patriots go 16-0 or 15-1 or 14-2 Tom Brady will be in the Top 3 MVP discussions. In other news the Patriots are going to finish 16-0 or 15-1 or 14-2. So yea.
  3. Russell Wilson - I have Wilson ahead of Lamar even though Lamar outduled Russ last week.
  4. Lamar Jackson - So take these MVP mid season rankings with a grain of concaine and a fifth of Natty. 
  5. Run CMC - Because The Informer can't tell the future. So all of these projections are based on what has happened and what I think "will happen" as the season goes on.
And on that note, we are done with Week 8. I hope y'all have a great Sunday filled with winning parlays, cold Natty's and enough back door covers to make your bookie go back to hooking.

Good luck.

The Informer Out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

 Overall: 58-47-1


 Last Week: 8-6

 Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 5-1-1
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