The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 7

Here are The Informer's Week 7 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandoned and no regard for human life. 

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (+3)

This is my "proof that Vegas and the NFL are conspiring together to ruin my 2017 NFL picks record by letting the Raiders have 47 extra attempts to score the game winning touchdown on Thursday Night Football" tweet:

I’m taking Chiefs -3 #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 19, 2017

#VegasIsMean

Pick: Chiefs (-3)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+5.5)

Q: Informer I know you are looking at the Browns only being a five point underdog and getting more aroused than Jim during that scene in American Pie where Nadia takes off her clothes. But for Tebow-sake man, I am begging you, do not make the Tennessee Titans your Lion King Lock of the Week. Us Titan’s fans can’t afford you putting "The Informer jinx" on our quarterback the same way you did to Aaron Rodgers last week. So please Informer, for one time in your worthless drunken life, do the right thing and leave Marcus Mariota's name out of your mouth.

I am not going to lie; you had me on your side right up until the point where you said I was living a "worthless drunken life". Just saying; in the future when you are begging an internet writer to not jinx your team, maybe you should be a little more flattering than calling said writer a "worthless drunk". 

Anyways, which means please don't interrupt while I am getting hammered drunk and writing internet blogs, the moral of the story is I am most definitely making the Tennessee Titans my Week 7 Lion King Lock of the Week. 

May Tebow have mercy on Marcus Mariota's soul. 

Pick: LKLOTW Titans (-5.5)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+3.5)

This one is pretty simple. The gambling rule book clearly states that a person must never, not even if there is a fire, bet Blake Borltes as a road favorite.

Pick: Colts (+3.5)

CINCINNATI BENGALS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-5.5)

I am picking the Steelers because I want to jinx them in the hopes of securing a victory for the great AJ Green.

Pick: Steelers (-5.5)

SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (+4)

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for The Informer's three favorite jokes of the week.  

Q: How does Tim Tebow like his eggs in the morning?

A: Unfertilized.

Q: Did you hear about the Tony the Tiger murder?
A: Police are calling it a cereal killer.

Q: What do you do if you see a Seattle Seahawks player rolling on the ground crying in pain?
A: You reload and shoot him . . . Up with more HGH!!! 

via GIPHY
Pick: HGHawks (-4.5)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-5)

Things I would rather do than watch Case Keenum and Joe Flacco play football against each other: Bet Blake Bortles as a road favorite. Take Cialis while also taking Nitrates for heart disease. Make a "they are having a worse week than Harvey Weinstein" joke. Stay sober for October. Play Edward Norton's part in a live reenactment of the "Jack's smirking revenge" scene from the movie Fight Club. Go to the pumpkin patch with my wife and kids. One of Charlie Sheen's prostitutes. Stop using the word "hella" to describe how awesome things are. Hit up the clubs with Ray Lewis (Too soon?). Leave my cocaine unsupervised in a Miami Dolphins coaches meeting. And finally, I would rather bet the Minnesota Vikings to win a Super Bowl. 

Pick: Ravens (+5)

NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-3.5)

I would have to be "Drunk Jay Cutler" wasted to even try and have an opinion on this absolute dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is trying to pass of as a football game. And, well, since it is not humanly possible for a single man to ever be that wasted; I figured this would be the perfect place to hand out this week's Blimpies Best meme of the Week:

#CocaineIsAHellOfADrug

Pick: Jets (+3.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-3)

Q: Is Larry Fitzgerald the second greatest WR of all-time?

I am only going to say this one time so make sure you are listening: Larry Fitzgerald is not even on the same planet as Randy Moss when it comes to the second best wide receiver ever conversation. And if anyone you know tries to make this asinine argument, I give you permission to throat punch that motherless mother f****r square in the nuts so that they know never to disrespect the great Randy Moss again. 

#Dont@MeCardinalFans

Pick: Cards (+3)

TAMPA BAY @ BUFFALO BILLS (-3)

Sooo . . . I wrote this exact sentence word for word 10-years ago during Week 7 of the 2008 NFL Season and I am sharing it with you the readers today because the rule still applies:

"Anytime a good solid team is playing a team with a starting QB named Fitzpatrick, The Informer is taking the solid team."

Pick: Bills (-3)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+5)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3.5)
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (+4)

And it appears we have reached the portion of the article where I start betting favorites because they are giving less than a touchdown against quarterbacks named Trabanski, C.J. Parker and Bert.

Pick: Bills (-3) Panthers (-3.5) Cowboys (-5) Saints (-4)

DENVER BRONCOS @ LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (+1.5)

Chargers at home as a road underdog? Sounds good to me.

Pick: Chargers (+1.5)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-3.5)

I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS I WILL NOT BET AGAINST TOM BRADY AT HOME IN PRIMETIME!!!

Pick: Patriots (-3.5)

WASHINGTON @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-4.5)

With the Kansas City Chiefs loss on Thursday Night football, the Philadelphia Eagles officially became the best team in the NFL. Which of course means they are going to lose at home on Monday Night Football against the Washington Redskins for no other reason than that is how the NFL works in 2017. 

Pick: Washington (+4.5)