The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 1

For those of you that are new to this blog my name is The Informer. I am an overweight middle aged man with a Natty Light problem who watches too much football and loves to gamble. I am also someone who has picked over 50% correct against the spread on NFL games in nine of the last 11 seasons.

Which brings us to why we are here today: Simply put, me and you (aka the readers) are here to make money illegally (and technically in some countries now legally) betting on NFL games while hopefully getting "Jay Culter Wasted" and having a few laughs.

So what is about to happen is I am going to go through every game from Week 1 of the 2018 NFL Season and pick who I think is going to cover the spread (this is not who I think is going to win, this is who is going to "cover" the point spread). And then you the reader will in turn use the information I provided to place illegal wagers and win tons of money.

It literally is that easy.

I watch the football, then I provide the expert winning picks, then you win a stuff ton of money. It is a no lose situation for everyone involved as long as I continue to be one of the best NFL handicappers on the internet (which obviously is going to happen); you keep using the information provided to place wagers (again if you are reading it will happen); and of course the FBI does not arrest any of us for committing illegal acts of gaming (I am not sure that can legally happen in Murica. Can it?).

(The Informer note - I am of course just kidding about making illegal wagers. This is a satire column that provides information/picks that should only be used for recreational purposes. In no way does The Informer, my family, or anyone who believes in Tim Tebow --condone breaking of the law. Seriously, please do not use the picks below to wrongfully make thousands of millions of dollars this season. That would be immoral and illegal.)

Anyways, which means please stop interrupting me with legalities while I am drinking my Natties, now that we all know the basics about why we are here: How about we get to The Informer's Week 1 2018 NFL Picks?

Atlanta Falcons @ Philadelphia Eagles (PK)

Here is The Informer's proof of Thursday Night pick Tweet:

Im taking the Falcons (Pick Em) and the the 1st Half Under 22.5 #TNFBets #FootballIsBack #FlyFalconsFly

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 6, 2018

Pick: Falcons (Loss) 1st Half Under (Win)

San Francisco 49ers @ Minnesota Vikings (-6)

Is it just me, or does it just feel right starting year 11 off with a fun "Randy Moss is a 1st ballot NFL Hall of Famer fact" that involves both the Minnesota Vikings and the San Francisco 49ers?

Did you know that 20 years ago to the day on September 9th, 1998 the great Randy Moss debuted as an NFL rookie catching four passes for 95 yards and two touchdowns (both  passes from Brad Johnson) while leading the Minnesota Vikings to a 31-7 victory over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?

Did you also know that six years ago to the day on September 9th, 2012 the great Randy Moss played in his last opening day game catching four passes for 47 yards and one touchdown (from Alex Smith) while leading the San Francisco 49ers to a 30-22 victory over the Green Bay Packers?

"Hey Informer why in the hell are you still blabbing on about Randy Moss? The dude has literally zero to do with this game on Sunday. Could you please for once in your miserable life just do your job and tell us who is going win the Jimmy G vs the former Washington quarterback match up?"

Does that mean you all don't want to hear about how 11 years ago to the day on September 9th, 2007 the great Randy Moss debuted with the New England Patriots catching nine passes for 181 yards and one touchdown while setting the tone for the Pats to become the only team in NFL history to finish a regular season 16-0?

No?

Are you sure?

Okay, fine. If you insist here is my breakdown of the present day 49ers-Vikings game: I am taking the 49ers because Jimmy G has covered in all five of his starts as a 49ers QB so I am going to ride his covering trend until he bucks me.

Pick: 49ers (+6.5)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cleveland Browns (+3.5)

I am not going to pick the Browns . . . I am not going to pick the Browns . . . I am not going to pick the Browns . . . I am not going to pick the Browns . . . I am not going to pick the Browns.

F***!!!

Am I really gonna pick the Browns?

Would someone please go get me 6-12 more Natties?

#ThisCantBeReal

Pick: Browns (+3.5)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Indianapolis Colts (-2)

Here are five "Bold" Informer predictions involving these two teams:

1.  AJ Green will have 1500+ yards and at least 12 TDs this season.
2.  Andrew Luck will finish Top 5 MVP, and Top 3 fantasy quarterbacks. 
3. Joe Mixon is going to rush for more than 1,300 yards. 
4. Both of these teams are going to go over their Vegas projected win totals (Over/Under for each team is 7 wins).
5. Both of these teams are going to make the Playoffs this season. 

As far as Sunday goes, I'm taking the points because I am not allowed to bet against AJ Green unless I know it is a sure fire win and that I am going to make loads of money doing it. On Sunday, as much as I love having Andrew back, there is nothing is surefire about Luck's first start in almost 2 years; therefore give me the points and lets hope for a Sunday afternoon shootout.

Pick: Bengals (+2)

Buffalo Bills @ Baltimore Ravens (-7.5)

If I watch a single minute of this "2nd floor of a big city apartment fire" the NFL is trying to pass of as an actual abortion; I swear I will give up drinking Natty Light for at least six to seven hours.

Of course, since I am not going to watch this apartment fire, think about this apartment fire, or make any other remarks about this 2nd floor of a big city apartment fire: I figured now would be the perfect time to hand out the Week 1 Blimpies Best meme of the Week:

#ClassicSmokingJayWinsTheInternetAgain.

Pick: Ravens (-7.5)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ New York Giants (+3)

Speaking of not caring . . . I don't care if he did almost beat Tom Brady in the AFC Championship game; the gambling rules still clearly state that a person should never, not even if their is a big city 2nd floor apartment fire, bet on Blake Bortles as a road favorite.

Again, I did not make these rules, I just follow them because I like being right.

Pick: New York Giants (+3)

Houston Texans @ New England Patriots (-6)

"Hey Informer what are these so called rules you speak of?"

You know what? That is a very good question. Sometimes I forget that new people may be reading this blog and not have a full grasp on "Informer drunken gambling 101". Let me try to help y'all understand better by listing 10 of the most hard-fast rules that I follow every single time I place a wager (unless of course I have a "feeling"):

1. Never bet Blake Bortles as a road favorite.
2. Always bet Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers in Primetime.
3. Always bet the 1st half under in primetime.
4. When two shitty teams are playing, take the points.
5. The Browns suck and only a drunken idiot who wants to lose all his money would bet them against Ben Roethlisberger who is 11-2 as a starter in Browns stadium.
6. The Rams are going to be great, bet them while you can.
7. When in doubt, take the best quarterback.
8. Did I mention Tom Brady?
9. If 80% of the public is betting one way, you bet the other way. Don't ask questions.
10. And finally, when all else fails, get "Jay Cutler Wasted" and bet with reckless abandon.

Pick: Patriots (-6)

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans Saints (-10)

I am taking the New Orleans Saints in all five of my NFL survivor polls. Which of course means the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are going to some how win on Sunday. Which also of course means a smart person -- and if you are reading this blog we know you are the smartest of the smart - - would grab the 10 points and laugh their way to the bookies office.

Pick: Tampa Bay (+10)

Tennessee Titans @ Miami Dolphins (+1)

If someone said "Hey Informer what do you love more: Derrick Henry or Blimpies?" I would obviously say Blimpies. But I am not gonna lie, I would have to think about it for a split second. That is how great I think the beast from Alabama is going to be this year. In fact, I have so much faith in Henry rushing for 1,700 yards this season that I am going to make the Tennessee Titans my Week 1 Lion King Lock of the Week.

Lock it in.

Pick: LKLOTW Titans (-1)

Kansas City Chiefs @ Los Angeles Chargers (-3.5)

Q: What did the Chargers defense say when the Chiefs quarterback fell on top of them?

A: Get off of me Mahomes . . . #

With literally zero context behind it, this joke slays me every time.

#LongLiveMahomes

Pick: Chiefs (+3.5)

Seattle Seahawks @ Denver Broncos (-3)

Dallas Cowboys @ Carolina Panthers (-3)

Washington Redskins @ Arizona Cardinals (-1.5)

As the rules say, when in doubt always take the team with the better quarterback.

Pick: Seahawks (+3) Panthers (-3) & Washington (-1.5)

Chicago Bears @ Green Bay Packers (-7)

Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . .Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . .Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . AARON RODGERS AT HOME IN PRIMETIME!!!

I hope I am not being to subtle with this one.

Pick: Packers (-7)

New York Jets @ Detroit Lions (-6.5)

A New York Jets rookie quarterback on the road during Monday Night Football in his first ever NFL game and he is giving less than a touchdown? Am I being Punk'd right now? Is Ashton Kutcher running a prank on me? Do people remember Punk'd? Or who Ashton Kutcher is? How many questions about Ashton Kutcher is too many before the readers stop reading this blog? Is there any chance in hell there are still people reading? Should I post a link to a Pam Anderson having marital relations video just to see if anyone is still here? Do people still watch videos like that? Hell, do people still know who Pam Anderson is? Maybe I should go with a Paris Hilton video? Then again, do people still know who Paris Hilton is?

"Dear Gawd Informer . . . Please no more questions. Just give us your pick and wrap this thing up."

Okay, as I said above, I am taking the Lions (-6.5) because I don't think Ashton Kutcher exists anymore. Which means there is no way this is a prank. Instead it is a gift sent straight from the Gambling Tebow's to make us all rich.

Pick: Lions (-6.5)

Los Angeles Rams @ Oakland Raiders (+4)

Follow the rules and bet the Rams now before it is too late.

Pick: Rams (-4)

That is all folks. Merry NFL Sunday Funday Christmas. May your day be filled with winning parlays, Natty Lights and all the Blimpies money can buy.

See you next week.

The Informer's 2018 Fantasy Football Preview: Snake Draft #1

Last night in my never ending quest to help you the reader draft the perfect NFL Fantasy Football team, I took part in my first 2018 "Snake/Live" draft on Yahoo sports dot com. It was a standard 10-team, one point per reception, league where a person starts a QB, RB, RB, WR, WR, TE, FLEX, FLEX, Kicker and a Defense.

For those who are new to fantasy football (Where have you been? And why are you reading a fantasy football article?), a "Snake/Live" draft is where everyone gets to chose a player based on a draft order starting with the #1 pick and ending with the #10 pick. Then the guy who had the #10 pick in the previous round gets the 1st pick in the next round. 

I know it sounds confusing, but really it is not. Basically the guy with the 1st pick in round one then has the last pick in round two and then the 1st pick in round three. This changing order continues throughout the draft. 

Like I said, its not really confusing at all. 

Now, before we delve into the results of the draft, I would like to point out that this was an actual "paid" money league. That means this was a real draft, with real people and real money at stake. So rest assured there were no shenanigans, or people "Drafting Blake Bortles number one overall because they follow Blake Bortles facts on Twitter". 

No, the results you are about to read are legit as Frankie Munoz. 

On that note, here are the results from The Informer's first Yahoo snake draft of the 2018 NFL fantasy football season.

(The Informer note -- For this draft I drew the lucky #9, which means I had picks 9, 12, 29, 32, 49, 52, 69, 72, 89,92, 109, 112 and four other late round selections.)

ROUND 1 (Pick #9): WR Odell Beckham Jr

With running backs and Antonio Brown going with the first eight picks my choice here was either Odell Bekham Jr. or Julio Jones. In other words I was choosing between a Blimpie Best on Italian bread, or a Blimpie Best on wheat bread. 

In this draft I choose the O.D.B. because I already have Julio on three other teams and I just happened to be craving wheat bread when it was my time to select. 

ROUND 2 (Pick #12): WR A.J. Green

I definitely had plenty of options with this pick, but in my mind no matter what happened I was either drafting Leonard Fournette or A.J. Green. When it came time to choose I went with Green because he is my favorite player. 

ROUND 3 (Pick #29): QB Aaron Rodgers

I know  . . . I know  . . . YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO DRAFT A QUARTERBACK IN THE EARLY ROUNDS!!!!

In my defense, Aaron Rodgers was the best player on the board when it came to the 29th pick. Sure I could have reached on a running back like Joe Mixon (not a bad reach), or I could have drafted a third WR like Tyreek Hill (again not a bad option); but in my mind I went the safe route and picked a guy who is guaranteed to be a fantasy stud every single week.

Remember drafting is all about getting the best value, and when the season ends I am willing to bet that my third round selection will score more points than any other third round selection. That makes taking a QB early in the draft worth it if you ask me.

ROUND 4 (Pick #32):  TE Travis Kelce

Travis Kelce or Derrick Henry? That was the question I was facing early in the fourth round. I choose Kelce because Henry was ranked #54 overall by Yahoo, so I was rolling the dice that he would still be on the board when I picked in the 5th round with the #49 pick. 

ROUND 5 (Pick #49): RB Derrick Henry

I am going to be very honest; if I would have missed out on Henry here, then this draft would have been a complete bust. Luckily, the fantasy Tebow's were on my side and I was able to draft the guy who is going to lead the league in rushing yards in 2018. 

ROUND 6 (Pick #52): TE Jim Graham

Jim Graham is going to be Aaron Rodgers' favorite receiver this season; which means adding him as one of my flex options in the sixth round was a no-brainer. 

ROUND 7 (Pick #69): QB Cam Newton

I'll explain this pick more in a second.

ROUND 8 (Pick #72): RB Marlon Mack

Marlon Mack is going to be a starting running back in the NFL this season. And, well, since I need to start two running backs on my "fantasy" team; I figured I better draft a second guy who is actually going to be a starter on a "real life" team. Also, I think Mack has a ton of upside is Andre Luck stays healthy in 2018. 

Hey, speaking of Andrew Luck . . .

ROUND 9 (Pick #89): QB Andrew Luck

So you all are probably asking: "Why in the hell would The Informer draft three QBs in a league where you only start one?" 

Well . . . Here is my reasoning: In the ninth round I could have had my choice between rookies we know nothing about (Kerryon Johnson, Nick Chub, etc...), older stars we hope have one more season left (Jordy Nelson/Sam Watkins) or a back up running back (Tarik Cohen). 

Or, I could draft Andrew Luck and give myself two extra fantasy studs (Luck & Newton) who I can use as trade chips to try and get the stud WR/RB who was not available in the 9th round.

As you can see, I decided to go with option "stud trade chips". 

Remember folks, fantasy football is not over once your draft is over. Sometimes you need to play the long-con game and hope that a desperate sucker comes along later to reward your strategy. That is what I am doing here. If I can turn Cam or Luck into a stud later in the season then my strategy will pay off with a fantasy championship.

ROUND 10 (Pick #92): RB Isaiah Crowell

Isaiah Crowell may not be the Jenna Jameson of the fantasy football world (aka a sexy pick), but he is a starting running back that I was able to draft in the 10th round. 

ROUND 11 (Pick #109): RB Nick Chubb

ROUND 12 (Pick #112): WR Randal Cobb

ROUND 13: RB Matt Breida

ROUND 14: WR Calvin Ridley

Two rookies, an older WR who plays with Aaron Rodgers and a running back who is getting really good "camp" reviews. That is why I drafted Chubb, Ridley, Cobb and Breida. These are all lottery tickets that I am hoping turn into something. 

ROUND 15: Los Angeles Chargers

I drafted the Chargers for two reasons:

1) This league mandates that you draft a least one defense.

2) I drank one to many Natty Lights during the draft and thought I was drafting the Los Angeles Rams, not the San Diego Bosa's. 

ROUND 16: Cowboys Kicker

Its a kicker. 

CONCLUSION:

If you ask me the Rodgers, Henry, Mack, Beckham, Green, Kelce, Graham, Crowell, Chargers & Kicker is a winning lineup. Most weeks I am going to have the best QB, the two best WRs, & the two best TEs in any match up. And if Henry is fantasy gold like I suspect, and I am able to turn Newton or Luck into a stud, then this will turn out to be one of the best teams I draft all year. 

In the end if this roster comes through like I think it will I stand to make a profit of $65. Time to go find another house to flip team to draft. 

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 10

Here are The Informer's Week 10 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and absolutely zero regard for human life. 

SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (+6)

Finally, a Thursday night bet I did not lose (yes it has gotten so bad that I am counting a push as a victory). That has to be a good sign heading into Week 10, right? 

HGHawks (-6) #TNF pic.twitter.com/Y8NGAA5LWV

— The Informer (@therealinformer) November 9, 2017

Pick: HGHawks (-6)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ CHICAGO BEARS (-5.5)

NFL gambling rules clearly state a person should always bet Mitch Trabanski at home against Green Bay when the Packers are playing their first game against Chicago in 26-years without either Brett Favre or Aaron Rodgers starting at quarterback. 

Pick: Bears (-5.5)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ DETROIT LIONS (-10.5)

Only two games in and we have reached this weeks dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is passing of as a football game. So, as usual, instead of talking about this game we are going to skip it entirely and hand out the Blimpie Best meme of the week.

#DamnMillennials.

Pick: Lions (-10.5)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ WASHINGTON (+1.5)

Since I don't really care about the Case Keenum-Kirk Cousin showdown, I figured now would be the perfect time to share my favorite “things Randy Moss accomplished during Week 10's of the NFL Season” stats.

• During Week 10 of the 1999 NFL Season, Randy Moss set a regular season career high with 204 yards receiving in a Minnesota Vikings 27-24 victory over the Chicago Bears.
• During Week 10 of the 2007 NFL Season, Randy Moss set a career high with 4 TD receptions against the Buffalo Bills. For those wondering; Moss caught all four of his touchdowns in the first half.
• In 13 career Week 10 games Randy Moss caught 63 passes for 916 yards and nine touchdowns. 
• The Minnesota Vikings were 4-2 in Randy’s first six career Week 10 games. The two games the Vikings lost were against the Chicago Bears and the Oakland Raiders. I bring this up to point out that in those two losses Moss had the exact same stat line: 4 receptions, 25 yards and 0 TDs.
• Randy Moss caught his 7th, 37th, 57th, 87th and 117th career touchdown passes during Week 10s throughout his career.
• Randy's final Week 10 touchdown happened when he caught a 4-yard pass from Tom Brady during Week 10 of the 2009 NFL Season in a Patriots 31-14 victory over the New York Jets. At the time it was Moss’ 143rd career touchdown catch.

Pick: Skins (+1.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ TAMPA BAY (+2.5)

Things I would rather do than watch the Jets-Bucs try to play football against each other: Call A.J. Green soft. Meth. Teach my daughters how to Kardashian. Bet against Tom Brady in Primetime. Talk politics on Twitter. Turn my back on Mike Evans during a shouting match. Pay $20 for a 30 pack of Natty Light. Take out a student loan with Wells Fargo. Follow "The Informer's" Thursday Night Football gambling advice. Eat a vegan burger at McDonald's. And finally, I would rather watch the Lions-Browns play football. 

Pick: Jets (-2.5)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ BUFFALO BILLS (+3)

I am betting the New Orleans Saints on the road because of Drew Brees. If you are wondering what that means, here is what I am talking about:

• Drew Brees is currently on pace for 4,428 yards passing. If he keeps this pace it would be an NFL record twelfth straight season with at least 4,000 yards.
• Drew Brees owns the NFL record with seven straight season with over 4,500 yards passing (this year would mark eight straight).
• Drew Brees is the only player in NFL history to have multiple 5,000 yard passing seasons (he has done it five times).
• Drew Brees has the most career games with 400 yards passing (15).
• Drew Brees has the most career games with 300 yards passing (108).
• Drew Brees needs seven more TD passes this season to set the NFL record for most consecutive seasons with at least 20 TD passes (Brees is currently tied with Peyton Manning with 13 straight seasons).
• Drew Brees needs 17 more TD passes this season to extend his NFL record for consecutive seasons with at least 30 TD passes (nine straight at this point).
• Brees is 3,615 yards away from breaking Peyton Manning’s NFL record for career passing yards (Brees would need to average 451 yards per game over the next eight games to break the record this season).
• Drew Brees has 225 career TD passes in the Superdome, the most by any quarterback at one stadium.
• Brees needs 22 TD passes to become the third player in NFL history to reach 500 career TD passes.
• And finally, Drew Brees is 3-0 as a starter for the New Orleans Saints against the Buffalo Bills.  

Pick: Saints (-3)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+10)

Give me the Steelers (-10). To answer the next question: No, I will not be watching one second of this game. 

Pick: Steelers (-10)

CINNCINATI BENGALS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-4.5)

Oh isn't this cute? A battle of coaches who refuse to give the ball to their best players. 

On the one side you have Marvin “my offense is designed to not throw passes to the great A.J. Green”. And on the other side you have Mike “why would I give the ball to a 6’4 245lb Mack truck who runs a 4.2 40-yard dash” Mularkey.

Now, there is no real scientific evidence to back my theory on this, but considering we have two coaching morons battling wits on Sunday; I have decided I must grab the 4.5 points and watch as these two genius of NFL schemes find new creative ways to not get their best players the football. 

Pick: Bengals (+4.5)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (-5)

I refuse to lay points with Blake Bortles when he is going against “Octo-dad” and the suddenly resurgent -- and rested -- Los Angeles Chargers.

Pick: Chargers (+5)

HOUSTON TEXANS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-12)

For fun here is an old-school versus new school player comparison that may shock you.

Player A through first eight career starts: 2-6 record, 10 TD passes, 4 interceptions and 1,349 yards passing.

Player B through first eight career games: 1-7 record, 5 TD passes, 7 interceptions and 1,089 yards passing.

Player A in his next eight career starts: 6-2 record, 13 TD passes, 5 int & 1,910 yards passing.

Player B in his next eight career starts: 6-2 record, 13 TD passes, 4 interception and 2,030 yards passing.

Player A in both of these scenarios is Joe Montana.

Player B in both of these scenarios is the Rams second year quarterback Jarred Goff.

So does this player comparison mean that Jarred Goff is going to become the next Joe Montana? I have no idea. I am not a Rocket Scientologist. But what it does mean is that the young Goff – who was written off as a bust by pretty much everyone in the NFL universe the same way a young Montana once was – can at least look back at the past and see a scenario of how his career could play out if he keeps doing what he is doing.

Pick: Rams (-12)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-3)

Hall of Famer Dak Prescott getting points because Vegas thinks Dallas can't win without a running back? In the words of Lloyd from Dumb & Dumber: "I like it a lot." 

Pick: Cowboys (+3)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+2.5)

If I had to list the greatest 49ers-Giants NFL games ever, my list would go something like this:

1) The time I won my first NFL bet back in 1990 when the 10-1 49ers beat the 10-1 New York Giants on Monday Night Football (I was five at the time and won a buck from my dad who thought it would be a good idea to give me the 49ers straight up).

2) Jeff Garcia and the playoff comeback.

3) The time the Giants got away with attempted murder and ruined Joe Montana’s 49ers career. 

4) The time when the Giants beat the 49ers in the 2011 NFC Championship game.

And finally, in very last place, the time the Giants and 49ers played football in Week 10 of the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Giants (-2.5)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-7.5)

Everyone say it with me:

I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime!!!

Just so we are all on the same page; what I am trying to say is that I am not going to bet against Tom Brady in Primetime.

Pick: LKLOTW Patriots (-7.5)

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-9)

Did you know that the Carolina Panthers have never beaten the Miami Dolphins? Seems like an absolutely logical reason to put my hard earned money on Jay Cutler in Primetime for the third straight week. 

Pick: Dolphins (+9)

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 7

Here are The Informer's Week 7 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandoned and no regard for human life. 

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (+3)

This is my "proof that Vegas and the NFL are conspiring together to ruin my 2017 NFL picks record by letting the Raiders have 47 extra attempts to score the game winning touchdown on Thursday Night Football" tweet:

I’m taking Chiefs -3 #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 19, 2017

#VegasIsMean

Pick: Chiefs (-3)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+5.5)

Q: Informer I know you are looking at the Browns only being a five point underdog and getting more aroused than Jim during that scene in American Pie where Nadia takes off her clothes. But for Tebow-sake man, I am begging you, do not make the Tennessee Titans your Lion King Lock of the Week. Us Titan’s fans can’t afford you putting "The Informer jinx" on our quarterback the same way you did to Aaron Rodgers last week. So please Informer, for one time in your worthless drunken life, do the right thing and leave Marcus Mariota's name out of your mouth.

I am not going to lie; you had me on your side right up until the point where you said I was living a "worthless drunken life". Just saying; in the future when you are begging an internet writer to not jinx your team, maybe you should be a little more flattering than calling said writer a "worthless drunk". 

Anyways, which means please don't interrupt while I am getting hammered drunk and writing internet blogs, the moral of the story is I am most definitely making the Tennessee Titans my Week 7 Lion King Lock of the Week. 

May Tebow have mercy on Marcus Mariota's soul. 

Pick: LKLOTW Titans (-5.5)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+3.5)

This one is pretty simple. The gambling rule book clearly states that a person must never, not even if there is a fire, bet Blake Borltes as a road favorite.

Pick: Colts (+3.5)

CINCINNATI BENGALS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-5.5)

I am picking the Steelers because I want to jinx them in the hopes of securing a victory for the great AJ Green.

Pick: Steelers (-5.5)

SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (+4)

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for The Informer's three favorite jokes of the week.  

Q: How does Tim Tebow like his eggs in the morning?

A: Unfertilized.

Q: Did you hear about the Tony the Tiger murder?
A: Police are calling it a cereal killer.

Q: What do you do if you see a Seattle Seahawks player rolling on the ground crying in pain?
A: You reload and shoot him . . . Up with more HGH!!! 

via GIPHY
Pick: HGHawks (-4.5)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-5)

Things I would rather do than watch Case Keenum and Joe Flacco play football against each other: Bet Blake Bortles as a road favorite. Take Cialis while also taking Nitrates for heart disease. Make a "they are having a worse week than Harvey Weinstein" joke. Stay sober for October. Play Edward Norton's part in a live reenactment of the "Jack's smirking revenge" scene from the movie Fight Club. Go to the pumpkin patch with my wife and kids. One of Charlie Sheen's prostitutes. Stop using the word "hella" to describe how awesome things are. Hit up the clubs with Ray Lewis (Too soon?). Leave my cocaine unsupervised in a Miami Dolphins coaches meeting. And finally, I would rather bet the Minnesota Vikings to win a Super Bowl. 

Pick: Ravens (+5)

NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-3.5)

I would have to be "Drunk Jay Cutler" wasted to even try and have an opinion on this absolute dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is trying to pass of as a football game. And, well, since it is not humanly possible for a single man to ever be that wasted; I figured this would be the perfect place to hand out this week's Blimpies Best meme of the Week:

#CocaineIsAHellOfADrug

Pick: Jets (+3.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-3)

Q: Is Larry Fitzgerald the second greatest WR of all-time?

I am only going to say this one time so make sure you are listening: Larry Fitzgerald is not even on the same planet as Randy Moss when it comes to the second best wide receiver ever conversation. And if anyone you know tries to make this asinine argument, I give you permission to throat punch that motherless mother f****r square in the nuts so that they know never to disrespect the great Randy Moss again. 

#Dont@MeCardinalFans

Pick: Cards (+3)

TAMPA BAY @ BUFFALO BILLS (-3)

Sooo . . . I wrote this exact sentence word for word 10-years ago during Week 7 of the 2008 NFL Season and I am sharing it with you the readers today because the rule still applies:

"Anytime a good solid team is playing a team with a starting QB named Fitzpatrick, The Informer is taking the solid team."

Pick: Bills (-3)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+5)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3.5)
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (+4)

And it appears we have reached the portion of the article where I start betting favorites because they are giving less than a touchdown against quarterbacks named Trabanski, C.J. Parker and Bert.

Pick: Bills (-3) Panthers (-3.5) Cowboys (-5) Saints (-4)

DENVER BRONCOS @ LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (+1.5)

Chargers at home as a road underdog? Sounds good to me.

Pick: Chargers (+1.5)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-3.5)

I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS I WILL NOT BET AGAINST TOM BRADY AT HOME IN PRIMETIME!!!

Pick: Patriots (-3.5)

WASHINGTON @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-4.5)

With the Kansas City Chiefs loss on Thursday Night football, the Philadelphia Eagles officially became the best team in the NFL. Which of course means they are going to lose at home on Monday Night Football against the Washington Redskins for no other reason than that is how the NFL works in 2017. 

Pick: Washington (+4.5)

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 1

Q: Hey Informer are you seriously going to let the 2017 NFL Season start without giving your readers a fun facts, stats and useless information article?

Of course not. In fact (pun intended), here are 15 of The Informer's funnest most useless stats for the upcoming 2017 NFL Season.

1. Martavias Bryant has 14 touchdown in 21 career games. To put that in perspective that is more TD receptions through 21 games than Julio Jones (12), AJ Green (9), Marvin Harrison (10), Larry Fitzgerald (11), Antonio Brown (1), Michael Irvin (7), Cris Carter (8), Dez Bryant and Jerry Rice (9).
2. Also to put the above stat in perspective, the great Randy Moss caught 20 touchdowns in his first 21 NFL games. 
3. Antonio Gates (who has 111 career TD receptions) needs to catch one TD pass this season in order to break a tie with Tony Gonzalez for the most touchdowns by a tight end in NFL history.
4. Frank Gore is 619 yards away from passing LaDaninian Tomlinson for fifth all-time rushing yards. For those wondering, the only time Gore has rushed for under 619 yards in a season during his 12-year career was his rookie season when he finished with 608 yards rushing.
5. Sticking with the ageless wonder; if Gore reaches 1,000 yards rushing this season he will join Emmitt Smith, Curtis Martin, Barry Sanders and Walter Payton as the only backs to rush for 1,000 yards in 10 different seasons. 
6. Drew Brees is 5,829 yards away from breaking Peyton Manning’s NFL record for passing yards.
7. Tom Brady is 4,262 yards behind Drew Brees.
8. If Adrian Peterson rushes for 1,00 yards he will surpass Thurman Thomas, Franco Harris, Marcus Allen, Edgerin James, Marshall Faulk, Jim Brown and Tony Dorsett to move into ninth place all time.
9. If Larry Fitzgerald records his ninth 1,000 yard season, he would move into third place for most receiving yards in NFL history.
10. Aaron Rodgers needs four TD passes to move past John Elway for 10th all-time. Once that happens Rodgers will join Brees, Brady, Eli Manning, Philip Rivers and Big Ben in the Top 10 in NFL history for career TD passes.
11. Carson Palmer and Philip Rivers each need to pass for 3,000 yards to join Brees, Brady, Eli and Big Ben on the Top 10 career passing yards' list.
12. Odell Beckham Jr and Javaris Landry are each entering their third NFL season with 288 career receptions.
13. With that said; it should be noted that the ODB has racked 4,122 yards and 35 TD, compared to Landry’s 3,051 yards and 13 TD.
14. Speaking of Beckham: Did you know that through 43 NFL games the only players with more TD catches than Odell are Rob Gronkowski (41), Jerry Rice (38) and Randy Moss (37)?
15. And finally, did you know Randy Moss is the only player in NFL history to have three season with 17 or more touchdown catches? Also, he is the youngest player in NFL history to reach 100 TDs for a career. He is second all-time with 157 TD catches. And he owns the NFL record for TD receptions by a rookie (17) and touchdown receptions for a single season (23).

Q: Enough with the made up stats Informer, lets get down to the business of what we are doing here today: What are your boldest of bold predictions for the 2017 NFL Season?

If you want bold, I will give you bold.

1. A.J. Green will lead the NFL in receiving yards.
2. Drew Brees will add to his NFL record by throwing for over 4,500 yards for the eighth straight season (Peyton Manning is second all-time with five straight +4,500 yard seasons).
3. Aaron Rodgers will win the 2017 NFL MVP.
4. The six NFC Playoff teams will be: Seattle Seahawks, Green Bay Packers, Dallas Cowboys, Atlanta Falcons, Carolina Panthers and the New York Giants.
5. The six AFC Playoff teams will be: New England Patriots, Pittsburgh Steelers, Tennessee Titans, Kansas City Chiefs, Cincinnati Bengals and Oakland Raiders.
6. New England will beat Green Bay in the Super Bowl.
7. Kareem Hunt will win the Rookie of the Year.
8. Speaking of Hunt; I think the Kansas City rookie will fumble his first career carry, but then redeem himself by becoming just the third player in NFL history to have 150+ yards and 3 TDs in his first NFL start (joining Marshall Faulk 1994, and Billy Simms 1980). 
9. For the sixth time in his NFL career, Alex Smith will have a 300-yard passing game.
10. And finally, I do not think the New England Patriots will go undefeated.

Q: Wait one flipping second Informer. Did you just hand out four bold predictions based on a game that was already played? Is that what you are doing now? Waiting for a game to end and then writing articles where it makes it look like you actually predicted the outcome? That is a new low even for your drunk ass. You should be ashamed of yourself you fat ignorant hillbilly.

You can call me all the names you want, but these are all legit bold predictions that I totally came up with on my own before my new favorite team the Kansas City Chiefs dethroned the New England Patriots on live national television.

Q: That is f*****g horses sauce and you know it Informer. You are nothing more than a lying drunk bandwagon jumping little man who makes sh*t up to try and feel better about the fact that you suck as a writer and nobody likes you. Well Informer, I am not going to let you get away with it. I want you to show us your "Proof of pick" tweet for the Thursday Night Football game right f***ing now, so we can all see what a fraud you truly are?

Sure I will show my tweet. I got nothing to hide:

I am taking the Kansas City Chiefs (+9), the Chiefs moneyline and the 1st half over 24.5 #ThursdayNightFootball #PatsVsChiefs

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 9, 2017

Q: For f**k sakes Informer!!! That tweet was clearly posted on Saturday, September 9th. Seriously man what is wrong with you? Just admit that the Natty Lights have finally killed all of your brain cells so you must resort to being a worthless drunk liar.

Ummmmm . . . Since this is obviously my "deflategate" moment in history where I am going to dig in and never admit my lies: Why don't we wrap up the mailbag and get to The Informer's  Week 1 2017 NFL Picks?

As always please gamble with reckless abandoned.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-8.5)

The Informer's TNF proof of pick tweet:

I am taking the New England Patriots (-8.5) the 1st half under (24.5) and the game over 48.5 total points #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 7, 2017

Yikes, that is a painful way to start the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Pats (-8.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-8.5)

Oh look at this; we made it to the first Sunday game of the 2017 NFL Season and we have already found the worst game of the year. Welp, since we are obviously not going to talk about this garbage Jet-Bills game, I guess that means we need to hand out this week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

#ClassicKD

Pick: Jets (+8.5)  

ATLANTA FALCONS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+6.5)

Teams that blow a 28-3 Super Bowl lead do not come out flat in Week 1 the very next season. On the contrary they come out pissed off and ready for revenge. At least that is what I am predicting is going to happen with the 2017 Atlanta Falcons (You know since no team in the history of the world has ever blown a 28-3 Super Bowl lead before). My gut is telling me that this team is too healthy and motivated in Week 1 to have any issue with the Mike Glennon led Bears.

Pick: Falcons (-6.5)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ CINNCINATI BENGALS (-2.5)

I think 2017 is going to be A.J. Green's greatest year as a professional football player. I also think that greatness starts Week 1 at home against the banged up Baltimore Ravens.

Pick: Bengals (-2.5)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+9.5)

Martavias Bryant is a young Randy Moss like star. Antonio Brown has three straight season with at least 106 receptions. The Steelers defense is going to be legit. Big Ben is 21-2 in his career versus the Browns. LaVeon Bell is fully healthy and playing Week 1. Oh and did I mention the Browns are still the Cleveland Browns? Yea . . . Don't over think this one.

Pick: Steelers: (-9.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ DETROIT LIONS (+2)

Bruce Arians is greater than Jim Caldwell. Larry Fitzgerald is greater than Lions WRs. David Johnson is a possible 2017 NFL MVP. And finally, Arizona is healthy after their disaster 2016 season while the Detroit Lions are the same team that lost three straight games to finish 2016. Add it all up and the math says I am taking Arizona and laying the points on the road.

Pick: Cardinals (-2)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-5)

Okay so I started a thing on twitter this summer called "The Informer's joke of the Day". Its my new running bit where I go on the internet and try to find jokes that make me laugh, then I share them on my account for all to read. Now, since most of these jokes are at the expense of the hapless Jacksonville Jaguars, I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to share five of my favorites from the summer.

Here goes . . .

Q: Did you hear the C.I.A sent Blake Bortles over to North Korea?
A: They figured he was the only guy in the world who could overthrow Kim Jong-Un.

Q: Why doesn't Blake Bortles use the telephone anymore?
A: Because he couldn't find the receiver.

Q: What do the Oakland Raiders and the L.A. P.D. have in common?
A: Neither one can stop a Bronco.

Q: Why did Tony Romo cross the road?
A: To get to the hospital. (Too soon?)

Q: If you have a Dallas Cowboys running back, wide receiver and defensive player in the same car: Who is driving?
A: The Police.


via GIPHY
Pick: Texans (-5)  

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-2.5)

I know the Titans have become this year’s hipster sleeper playoff team (I did just pick them to make the playoffs six paragraphs ago), but I feel like I need to point out the fact that the Tennessee Titans have an absolute brutal 10 game start to the season.

Seriously check it out:

Raiders (very loseable), Jags (win) Seattle (loss), @ Houston (they will be underdogs), @ Miami (loseable), Colts in Primetime (Andrew Luck is 9-0 career vs Tennessee) (@ Browns (win), Ravens (toss up), Bengals (toss up), @ Steelers (loss), @ Colts (See above 9-0 stat).

Listen, I am not saying they won't make the playoffs, but I am saying maybe we should see how they handle themselves against the “super bowl contending” Oakland Raiders in Week  1 before we go Denny Greening their asses the Cinderella's of the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Titans (-2.5)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (+1.5)

I am following the gambling rule that says to always take the home underdog when the points are 2.5 or less.

Pick: Skins (+1.5)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-4.5)

I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE F*****G JARED GOFF LED LOS ANGELS RAMS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!!

Pick: Lion King Lock of the Week Rams (-4.5)

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-3)

Obviously this is the hardest game of the week to pick. I honestly have been going back and forth chugging Natties trying to figure out what to do. And after about six or seven tall one, I have finally decided that The Informer's gambling rules clearly state I am not allowed to ever bet against Aaron Rodgers at Lambeau. So, because the rules are the rules, I will be betting the Packers on Sunday in the preview of the 2017 NFC Championship game.

Pick: Packers (-3)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+5)

If my children no longer have a college fund at the end of Sunday it will be because I was wrong about the Brian Hoyer led 49ers going up against the Carolina Panthers.

Pick: Panthers (-5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-4.5)

This game will come down to a last minute field goal. And the last time I checked field goals are only worth 3-points, which is obviously less than 4.5.

Pick: Giants (+4.5)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-3)

If Adrian Peterson does not score a touchdown in this game I will stop drinking Natty Lights for a period of 24 straight hours. I swear to Tim Tebow I will do it.

Pick: Saints (+3)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-3)

I am picking the San Diego Chargers because when I was in the second grade the brother of Chargers linebacker Kyle Emanuel came to my birthday party where we watched Wrestlemania VII and ate yellow cake with pink frosting. And while I don't know exactly how that fact matters to the outcome of a NFL game, I also can't come up with a single scientific reason why it is not going to be the most important factor in the outcome of this NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE game.

Sooooo . . .

Pick: Chargers (-3)

That is a wrap folk. I hope you all have a great opening day Sunday. May it be filled with Natty Lights, winning bets and all of the Blimpies free gambling money can buy.

The Informer's Christmas Mailbag and Week 16 NFL Picks

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to The Informer’s Christmas Mailbag and Week 16 NFL Picks. As always, please keep in mind that almost all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q:Mr. Informer why is your article not getting posted to The Schmozone this week? Did they finally realize you were an overweight talent-less hack before canning your ass?

Here is the deal; as I am writing this there are only a few hours until kickoff and I don’t have internet access without turning my wife’s cell phone into a mobile hotspot -- which cost me upwards of $10 for every twenty minutes it is on – so by virtue of lack of time and internet, I decided that the best way to get The Informer’s Week 16 NFL Picks article published was by using my old website.

This way the picks still get posted before kickoff to keep their integrity intact, my boss does not have to hustle edit one of my articles (it is not an easy job considering The Informer has no idea how grammar and punctuation actually work) and most of all I can get as drunk as humanly possible and say whatever the hell I want because absolutely no one is going to waste their time reading therealinformer.blogspot.com on Christmas Eve.

So to answer the question; no I was not fired for being an overweight talent-less hack. I am still a proud Schmo, we are just taking a detour for this Holiday weekend.

Q: If a drunk middle aged blogger is 40 games over .500 when it comes to picking NFL games against the spread, but not a single person knows about said record because nobody on the face of the Earth reads this complete trash you call a blog, does it really count?

Let me counter your question with a question: If a tree falls over in the middle of an empty forest and nobody is around, was it still kicked over by Chuck Norris?

Q: Informer what in the hell are you talking about? Do you think Chuck Norris just goes around kicking down trees? Your analogy makes zero sense as usual. With that said, are you really 40 games over .500? How is that even possible? Aren't you supposed to be a drunk rambling moron?

Well, technically The Informer is 41 games over .500, but who is counting? And as for as how it is possible, I would just like to remind the world that through Tim Tebow anything is possible.

Q: Hey Informer, do you think the Dallas Cowboys offensive line should win the 2016 NFL MVP?

Is that a serious question? Are you on drugs or just plain f****** stupid? For f*** sakes man. It is called Most Valuable "Player" award. Not Players. Or Unit. Or Offense. Or team. It is an individual award. Which means that it must go to an individual f****** player. I mean cheesus f******* cripes man, who comes up with these asinine ideas/questions/theories?

Q: If the Dallas Cowboys offensive line is not the answer, then who is the 2016 NFL MVP?

Ezekiel Elliot, duh. He is the best player, on the best team, and has the numbers and big plays to back up him winning the award.

Q: But Elliot does not even have the best numbers for a running back. That would be David Johnson. So how is Johnson not the MVP?

Well, if you replaced Elliot with say Darren McFadden would the Cowboys be 12-2 and the 1st seed in the NFC right now? The answer is no. But if you replaced David Johnson with Darren McFadden would the Arizona Cardinals still be a team in the race for a Top 10 NFL Draft pick? The answer is probably. Therefore, because Johnson is a good stats bad team guy, he can’t be the MVP.

Q: Informer your logic makes no sense whatsoever. You just said that the award is based on individual performance and then said Elliot wins the award over Johnson because he has a better team. Can you please explain why you are contradicting yourself?

I guess the lesson as always is I am an alcoholic.

Q: Informer what is your all-time favorite Christmas movie?

With all due respect to Christmas Vacation, Die Hard, ELF, Bad Santa, A Very Brady Christmas, Charlie Brown, Prancer, Santa With Muscles, Tim Allen’s The Santa Claus, Jingle All the Way, One Night in Paris, Lethal Weapon, Ernest Saves Christmas, Scrooged, Miracle on 34th Street, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and A Christmas Story; I have to say that my favorite Christmas movie ever is Home Alone.

Q: Informer did you really put One Night in Paris on your favorite Christmas movie list? Isn’t that the X-rated porno starring Paris Hilton?

Ummmm . . . It was a typo? I mean, I was just checking to see who was still reading. Yea that works better. I was just checking to see if anyone was still reading. I was in no way saying that the Paris Hilton *** tape is one of my favorite Holiday movies.

#NeverGonnaGiveYouUp

Q: Hey Informer, do you remember the best Christmas you ever had?

You bet I do. In fact here are my Top 3 Christmas’ in order.

1. Xmas 1994 – Santa gave me roller blades, a Super Nintendo and the Super Nintendo version of Tecmo Super Bowl football.
2. Xmas 1997 – Also known as the year Santa gave me my first Randy Moss #84 Vikings jersey; which I still have and wear by the way.
3. Xmas 1990 – Santa hooked me up with a Joe Montana jersey, football pants and a 49ers plastic helmet. This was also the year that my pops started a lifelong Christmas tradition by giving me my first box of 1990 Pro Set football cards (FYI - - Sunday will mark the 27th straight year my Pops has given me football cards for Christmas).

Q: Dear Mr. Informer, did you know that every NFL game that has scored over 33 points in the first half has then went on to stay under the projected second half line this season? You have to check it out and spread the word to your degenerate readers.

I obviously have no way on Earth to fact check to see if this is an accurate stat or not, but there have now been two people who have brought this phenomena to my attention, so I am going to go ahead and say it has to be true and therefore I must pass the info along to my fellow reader (yes singular).

Q: Informer I am told you are currently sitting fifth place in your NFL Super Picks contest, which begs the question: How in the blue hell are you the best NFL picks guy on the internet but you can’t even win your own Super Picks contest?

To answer the first question; the reason I am in fifth is because the first three weeks of the season I decided to spot the competition a lead in order to make it more interesting. So basically I decided I would start 2-13 just to see if I can come back to win because I like to challenge myself to be better than the rest.

(The Informer note – Other than the 2-13 record nothing about the above paragraph was true. I didn’t start 2-13 on purpose. I did it because I was really bad at picking games the first three weeks of the season. And now I have to go 10-0 in order to finish in the Top 2. So I guess to really answer the first question, I would have to say it is all Obama’s fault.)

Q: Informer can you please wrap this up with your Week 16 NFL Picks so we can all go pretend to spend the holidays with our families?

That sounds good to me. Here are the picks.

NEW YORK GIANTS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (+2.5)

I don't even need to share my proof of picks tweet, because I took the Giants like a fat stupid idiot.

Pick: Giants (-2.5)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3)

The Redskins have to win out in order to have a chance at the postseason. The Bears have zero chance at the postseason and are simply playing for pride and a Matt Barkley contract extension. Seems like a no brainer to me.

Pick: Skins (-3)

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-3.5)

If believing Matt “The Gunslinger” Moore can’t go into Buffalo and lose by less than 3.5 points is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)

TAMPA BAY @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3)

The 2016 New Orleans Saints should not be favored over a team that has won five of its last six games. It is that simple.

Pick: Tampa (+3)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (+2.5)

I am following the little known rule that says: “Always bet against the non-playoff team who is coming off of a huge Monday Night football victory -- and thus is due for a letdown on Christmas weekend -- against a team that has a chance to lock up their division and is also supposed to be getting Julio Jones back healthy for the first time in three weeks.”

Pick: Falcons (-2.5)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-6.5)

Sam Bradford getting less than a touchdown on the road in Lambeau? Sign me up Scotty.

Pick: Packers (-6.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-16.5)

Bryce Petty getting less than 3 touchdowns on the road in Foxborough? Sign me up Scottie.

Pick: Patriots (-16.5)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+5)

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+6)

The Browns and Jags giving less than a touchdown to actual NFL teams? Sign me up Scottee.

Pick: Chargers (-6) & Titans (-5)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3.5)

Does anyone else think it is a gosh damn travesty that Andrew Luck is going to comeback from a lacerated kidney and lead the gawd awful Colts to 8 or 9 wins, while throwing for 4,000 yards, and yet he is not going to win the 2016 NFL Comeback Player of the Year Award because the National Media hates giving Andrew Luck awards?

And no, I am not just asking this because I may or may not have bet my 2001 Cadillac on Luck winning said award. 

Pick: Colts (+3.5)

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-3.5)

In the semi-changed words of Will Ferrell pretending to be Alex Trebek on SNL’s Celebrity Jeopardy: “And the NFL has reached a new low.”

Pick: Rams (-3.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ SEATTLE HGHAWKS (-7.5)

Here is my exact strategy on why I am taking the Seattle HGHawks in this game: On Thursday morning a Hawk tried to suicide bomb my dining room window, but instead of dying he knocked himself out cold for ten minutes. Then, after ten minutes of not moving, he slowly got to his feet, looked around, and then flew off to presumably go find another window to attack.

Now, if that is not a sign from the Tebow’s that The Informer must take the Hawks in Week 16, than I don’t know what is.

Pick: Seattle (-7.5)

CINNCINATI BENGALS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-1)

I am taking the Houston Texans solely based on the fact that I have been watching Macho Man Tom Savage interviews on Youtube all week and I think the guy is a real charismatic leader who will be a huge upgrade over that trash bag they have been starting the previous 14 weeks.

I mean seriously, watch this interview and tell me that you wouldn’t run through a wall for the Macho Man Tom Savage:

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Pick: Macho Man Tom Savage (-1)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-5.5)

If this game is not decided by a last second field goal than I do not know anything about football.

Pick: Ravens (+5.5)

DENVER BRONCOS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-3.5)

I really want to bet the Donkeys, because I love getting that half of a point, but one of the basic gambling rules that I follow simply states: “When the defense for the defending Super Bowl champs start complaining about how awesome they are, but how bad the offense sucks, to the point that there is almost a fist fight in the locker room --you must not bet that team on the road on Christmas night.”

Pick: Chiefs (-3.5)

DETROIT LIONS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-7)

If Detroit loses they are out of the playoff. If Detroit wins they control their own destiny. If Dallas loses they are still the number one seed and potentially hosting two playoff games in January. If Dallas wins they are still the number one seed and potentially hosting two playoff games in January.

Do you all see what I am getting at here?

Pick: Lions (+7)

That is a wrap y'all. I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah and most of all a wonderful holiday season filled with family, friends and winning parlays.

Records include Thursday Night Football