The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 3

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Week 3 of The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks. So far this season we have seen back to back winning weeks (11-5 Week 1, 9-7 Week 2) and an 8-0 first half under in primetime that officially has the seven of us reading this blog in the green through two weeks. 

Now obviously, the plan for today's blog,  is to continue to build off of the early season success so that we all can retire before going bat sh*t crazy like Antonio . . .  Err . . . I mean our goal today is to win money. 

Lots and lots of money.

So with that in mind, and without any further ado Gardner Minshew, here are The Informer's Week 3 NFL picks. As always, please remember that these picks are not to be used without the express writing consent of The Informer for anything other than illegal debauchery and under the books gambling.

Please enjoy.

Tennessee Titans @ Jacksonville Jaguars (+1.5)

I’m taking Gardner Milksteak & the Jags boiled hard over the Titans on #TNF #My pick is Jag (+1.5) & first half under 19.5

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 19, 2019

Pick: Jags (+1.5)

Denver Broncos @ Green Bay Packers (-7.5)
Detroit Lions @ Philadelphia Eagles (-4.5)

Here are 10 things The Informer thinks about the NFL that have literally nothing to do with the Green Bay Packers, the Denver Donkey's, the Detroit Lions or the Philadelphia Eagles:

1. I think Gardner Milksteak is a legit NFL quarterback and actually gives the Jags a chance to compete for the AFC South crown.
2. I think the 1st half under is 8-0 in Primetime.
3. I think Patrick Mahomes will throw for 60 touchdowns in a single season at some point in his career. I do not think it will be this season.
4. I think I am going up against a 9-year old ringer in The Informer vs AC NFL Picks Contest Challenge. The young man is currently 24-7-1 straight up picking NFL games through two weeks while I am sitting at 21-11 (The Informer would like to point out that my 20-12 against the spread record is better than his 19-13 record).
5. I think I wish the NFL could flex the Chiefs-Ravens into Monday Night Football so I didn't have to watch Mitch Trabanski try to play football for three hours.
6. I think Eli Manning is a sure Fire Hall of Famer (more on this later).
7. I think I don’t think Calvin Johnson is -- or was -- the only player in the NFL smoking hippie lettuce after every game. In fact I think the normal is closer to 75% of the players take part in littering and smoking the reefer.
8. I think there are far to many sports “journalists” who don’t watch sports and that is why today’s sports coverage is the way it is (less coverage of games and such, much more coverage of stuff not related to games).
9. I think the above sentence is way to serious of a subject for this blog, so as a punishment I will now chug 24 ounces of Natty Light.
10. (14 seconds later coughing while writing) I think that went down the wrong tube #NattiesUp.

Pick: Donkey’s (+7.5) Eagles (-4.5)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Buffalo Bills (-6)

Josh "The Canon Missile" Allen is 2-0 when The Informer uses his section to hand out the Blimpie Best meme of the Week. Therefore, because The Informer wants Josh "The Canon Missile" to move to 3-0, I am going to use this section to hand out the Blimpie Best meme of the week:

I am totally not lying guys and gals (or stealing Chuck Norris facts), but I also heard "Senor Milksteak" actually slapped the doctor when he came out of his mother's womb.

#ClassicMilksteak

Pick: Bengals (+6) 

Baltimore Ravens @ Kansas City Chiefs (-6)

The Informer’s MVP rankings through Week 2:

• Patrick Mahomes - I get the same joy watching Mahomes play football that I get watching Steph Curry when he gets on fire. There is just something different -- and effortless -- with how those two guys dominate their sport like no one has before. 
• Lamar Jackson - Lamar Jackson was my MVP after Week 1 and he did absolutely nothing to lose that spot in Week 2. Unfortunately, he plays in the same NFL as Patrick Mahomes.
• Tom Brady - I think Tom Brady is going to throw 50 touchdown passes. And I am not talking about on the season. I am talking about this week against the abysmal New York Paper Airplanes. 
• Dak Prescott- In the semi changed words of Happy Gilmore: "I know what you are doing right now, and I totally like it."
• Josh “The Cannon Missile” Allen  or Gardner Milksteak? - Lets call it a tie for fifth place right now.

Pick: Chiefs (-6)

Atlanta Falcons @ Indianapolis Colts (-1.5)

I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but I’m gonna say it anyways: Julio Jones’ real name is Quintorris Lopez “Julio” Jones.

Speaking of Quintorris: Did you know he has the NFL record for most receiving yards per game (96.2ypg)? Did you also know only Jones and Odell Beckham Jr have career averages over 90 yards per game? And finally: Did you know that eight of the 10 current leaders in this category are active players?

Here is the Top 10:

1. Quintorris Jones (96.2.2)
2. Odell Beckham  (93.6)
3. Calvin “The Super Shredder” Johnson (86.1)
4. Antonio Brown (86.0)
5. Michael Thomas (81.6)
6. AJ “The Sickness” Green (80.2)
7. Mike Evans (78.4)
8. DeAndre Hopkins (78.2)
9. Torrey Holt (77.4)

Pick: Falcons (+1.5)

Oakland Raiders @ Minnesota Vikings (+9)

You know what, that was kind of fun. Let’s do some more random stats.

• Dak Prescott and Carson Wentz we’re both drafted in the 2016 NFL Draft. Dak Prescott and Carson Wentz have both gone on to throw for 74 touchdown passes since that draft.
• Jerry Rice holds the NFL record for most yards by a wife receiver in their age 36 season (1,157). Larry Fitzgerald — in his age 36 season — is currently on pace for 1,728 yards.
• Sticking with Larry Fitz, the newly rejuvenated senior citizen needs 10 receptions to pass Tony Gonzalez for second place all time. The Benjamin Button ageless wonder also only needs three more TD receptions to become the fifth player in NFL history to catch 120 TD passes.
• Frank Gore needs 164 rushing yards to join the 15,000 yard club.
• Baltimore Ravens rookie WR Hollywood Brown is on pace for 96 receptions, 1864 yards and 16 TDs. For those wondering the rookie records for WRs are: 101 receptions (Anquon Boldin), 1,473 (Bill Goreman) and 17 TDs (Randy Moss).
• Bill Goreman played for the 1960 AFL Champion Houston Oilers as a rookie.

And on that note, I’m betting the Raiders (+9) because I don’t want to lay that many points with Kirk Cousins involved.

Pick: Raiders (+9)

New York Jets @ New England Patriots (-23)
Miami Dolphins @ Dallas Cowboys (-23)

Apparently this is the first time since the strike season of 1986 that there are two games in the same week with 20+ point spreads. The funny thing about those two games back in 1986 is, they were so high because the favored teams were playing NFL players while the underdogs were still using the replacement "not NFL" players.

So congrats Dolphins and Jets. You are officially the Keanu Reeves of the NFL.

Pick: Pats (-23) Dolphins (+23)

New York Giants @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-6)

As I mentioned above, I believe Eli Manning is 100% a Hall of Famer. In fact, I think there is a chance he is a 1st ballot Hall of Famer. 

So with that said, here is The Informer's case for Eli using five very important facts: 

1. 2x Super Bowl Champion (One of only 12 NFL QBs who can say that).
2. 7th all-time in passing yards (56,537)
3. 6th all time completions (4,860)
4. 8th all-time touchdowns (362)
5. And finally, he has nine NFL seasons with eight or more wins (means he had sustained success).

Now, just to put that last "sustained success" fact into context and further strengthen my argument: Here is a list of quarterbacks who can’t say they had at least nine seasons with eight or more wins along with their Super Bowl records:

• Aaron Rodgers (considered the greatest ever by some) - 7 seasons & 1 Super Bowl
• Warren Moon (in HOF): 6 Seasons & 0 Super Bowls
• Kurt Warner (in HOF): 5 Seasons & 1 Super Bowl win
• Donovan McNabb (not in HOF, but should be): 7 Seasons & 0 Super Bowl wins
• Dan Fouts (in HOF): 4 Seasons & 0 Super Bowls
• Jim Kelly (in HOF): 7 Seasons & 0 Super Bowl wins (sorry Bills fans I had to mention it)
• Tony Romo (greatest broadcaster ever): 7 Seasons & 0 Super Bowls
• Steve Young (in HOF): 7 Seasons & 1 Super Bowl win
• Troy Aikman(Hof) - 5 Seasons & 3 Super Bowl wins

Listen, I will admit that there were times when Eli looked like a total non Hall of Fame jabroni (basically the entire last two seasons, except for the one drive last year where he covered against the Falcons for no reason other than to ruin The Informer's chance at going 15-0 against the spread). But just because we don't like the way a person looks, or because a guy sucked his final few years except for that one time where he screwed me us over, that doesn't mean we get to ignore the facts. 

And the facts are; Eli's Top 10 all-time stats count. His Top 12 all-time ring count counts. Guess what, beating Tom Brady and Bill Belichick in the two different Super Bowls counts. And having a lengthy run of NFL success as a starting quarterback also totally counts. 

I am sorry I am not sorry, but the facts of this case are the facts and they are indisputable. "The Goat Slayer" is a sure fire NFL Hall of Famer.

The Informer rests his case. 

Court adjourned.

Pick: Giants (+6)

Carolina Panthers @ Arizona Cardinals (-1.5)

Kyle vs Kyler . . . Kyler vs Kyle . . . Kyle is a quarterback? KYLER IS A QUARTEBACK? 

Sorry, The Informer blacked out for a second and thought he was Ace Ventura. Anyways, which means please don't interrupt The Informer while he is drinking thinking, I am taking Kyler Murray and the Cardinals over Kyle Allen and the Panthers. 

Pick: Cards (-1.5)

New Orleans Saints @ Seattle HGHawks (-4)

I have entered 13 DraftKings lineups this week, so I thought I would share my three favorite ones

QB: Mahomes
RB: Dalvin Cook
RB: Josh Jacobs
WR: Hollywood Brown
WR: T.Y. Hilton
WR: Preston Williams
TE: Mark "Dr. James" Andrews
Flex: Zach Ertz "Dough nut".
D: Raiders

QB: Mahomes
RB: Cook
RB: Austin Ekeler
WR: Phill Dorsett
WR: Larry Fitzgerald
WR: Mecole Hardman
TE: Mark Andrews
Flex: Hollywood Brown
D: Bills

QB: Lamar Jackson
RB: Dalvin Cook (I sense a trend)
RB: David Johnson
WR: Nelson Agholor
WR: Larry Fitz
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
TE: Mark Andrews
Flex: TJ Hockenson
D: Patriots

Getting away from fantasy gambling and back to real gambling; I am taking the HGHawks at home. Until I actually see the Saints do it with out Drew Brees I can't bet them on the road in one of the toughest places to play in the NFL. 

Pick:  HGHawks (-4)

Houston Texans @ San Diego Chargers (-3)

Speaking of fantasy football, here are five guys I think everyone needs to pick up on their fantasy teams before it’s to late:

1. Phillip Dorsett - Antonio Brown is gone and the Patriots are a team that were running pass plays out of the shotgun formation up 40 points against the Dolphins last week. So yea, go get any available wide receiver who plays on that offense. 
2. D.J. Charks - After another great Thursday night outing it may already be to late, but if he is still out there Charks is the guy that the Gardner Milksteak loves throwing the ball to most.
3. Darwin Thompson - He was a fun fantasy sleeper in August until the Chiefs signed LeSean McCoy. He is now once again a fun fantasy sleeper with the injury to Damian Williams and possibly LeSean McCoy.
4. Preston Williams - The Dolphins maybe a clogged toilet of dumpster sh*t, but Preston Williams is actually pretty good. Now, you are just going to have to trust me on this one. Whatever you do don't try to actually watch a Miami Dolphins games to see for yourself. That is a level of torture porn that The Informer will not wish upon any of his readers. 
5. Noah Fant - I just think he is good. 

Pick: Texans (+3)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ San Francisco 49ers (-7)

Me: I swear to Tim Tebow I am not going to make a Mason “Rudolph the red nosed QB” joke today.

Also me: I have no good reason to bet the 0-2 Steelers on the road with Mason “Rudolph the red nosed QB” starting his first game of the season, but I am totally betting the 0-2 Steelers on the road with Mason “Rudolph the red nosed QB” making his first start of the season.

Pick: Steelers (+7)

Los Angeles Rams @ Cleveland Browns (+3)

I will not be one of the 85% betting against a home dog in Primetime . . . I will not be one of the 85% betting against a home dog in Primetime . . . I will not be one of the 85% betting against a home dog in Primetime . . . I will not be one of the 85% betting against a home dog in Primetime . . . I will not be one of the 85% betting against a home dog in Primetime . . . I will not be one of the 85% betting against a home dog in Primetime . . . I will not be one of the 85% betting against a home dog in Primetime . . . I will not be one of the 85% betting against a home dog in Primetime . . . I will not be one of the 85% betting against a home dog in Primetime . . . I will not be one of the 85% betting against a home dog in Primetime!!!

In other words, I’m obviously gonna be one of the 85% betting against the home underdog in Primetime.

Pick: Rams (-3)

Chicago Bears @ Washington Redskins (+4)

Nope. Not doing it. Next.

“Informer you can’t go next, this is the Monday night football game.”

Wait, what? Are you serious? ESPN is actually going to put this on National TV?

Yikes.

Ok well here is the deal; I have zero intention of ever talking about this game. So instead I guess we will just end this week’s column with the best “Storming Area 51” tweet The Informer saw this week:

#WaitForIt #WeAreNotAlone.

I MADE IT INSIDE! #StormingArea51 #Area51storm pic.twitter.com/H7cI7XxrQz

— Michael Knowles (@michaeljknowles) September 20, 2019

#NeverGetsOldNotGivingUp

Pick: LKLOTW Bears (-4)

Have a happy Sunday all. May it be filled with Natty Light tall boys, Blimpie Best subs and enough winning parlays to cover your student loan debts.

Informer out.


THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 20-12

Last Week: 9-7

LKLOTW: 1-1

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 2-0