The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 6

Here are The Informer’s Week 6 2017 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3.5)

My Thursday night proof of loss Tweet:

I’m taking Carolina -3.5 tonight #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 12, 2017

Pick: Panthers (-3.5)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (+3)

This is probably not going to be a huge surprise since 80% of the public is already making the same bet, but I am making Aaron Rodgers the Lion King Lock of the Week. 

The logic is simple: Sometimes Vegas gives us the gift of Aaron Rodgers vs Case Keenum and we just needs to open our wallets and accept it. 

Pick: LKLOTW Packers (-3)

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-14)

NFL Gambling rules clearly state a person must always bet Jay Cutler when the "Drunk One" is getting two touchdowns on the road the same week one of his coaches resigned because of a cocaine scandal.

Pick: Dolphins (+14)

DETROIT LIONS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-5.5)

Q: Informer I was told last week you actually tried to inform people with real stats. Is this true? Did you for once give actual NFL facts instead of making constant jokes about your Natty Light abuse and how fat you are? If it is true, could you do it again this week? I mean, not an entire article, but maybe one section filled with some stats your readers need to know heading into Week 6?

Other than pointing out the part where you obviously misspelled "you're", I guess my answer to your request would be ask and you shall receive. With that in mind here are my Top 6 most favorite stats heading into Week 6. 

1. The great Adrian Peterson needs three rushing touchdowns to become just the 10th player in NFL history to rush for 100 career touchdowns. 
2. Speaking of the recently traded -- and hopefully rejuvenated --- Peterson, the Cardinals back needs just 484 yards this season to pass Thurman Thomas (12,074) Franco Harris (12,120), Marcus Allen (12,243), Edgerin James (12,246), Marshall Faulk (12,279) and Jim Brown (12,312) on the all-time rushing list.
3. Larry Fitzgerald needs 15-yards to pass Steve Smith for seventh place on the all-time receiving yards chart.
4. Antonio Brown will move into the Top 60 most career receiving yards if he hauls in 63-yards on Sunday.
5. Sticking with receiving records: Demaryius Thomas (needs 49-yards) and Julio Jones (needs 95) have a chance to become the 92nd and 93rd players in NFL history to reach 8,000 career receiving yards. 
6. And finally, with a touchdown catch on Sunday, Chris Hogan will become the first Pats WR since Randy Moss in 2007 to catch a TD in five straight games.

Pick: Lions (+5.5)

SAN FRANCISCO @ WASHINGTON (-11)

Things I would rather do than watch the 49ers & Redskins play football on Sunday: Order a salad at Blimpies. Go up against Jay Cutler in a beer drinking contest. Put the urine from a Miami Dolphins assistant coach in my whizzinator. Purposely drink Milwaukee’s Best Light. Have Eminem free-style rap about me. Play Edward Norton's part in a live reenactment of the American History X shower scene. Bet Ben Roethlisberger's under total interceptions during a home game against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Give away my Rashaan Salaam rookie cards. And finally, I would rather bet against Tom Brady on the day he passes Brett Favre and Peyton Manning for most wins by a QB in NFL history.

In other words; I will not be watching the 49ers and Redskins play football on Sunday.

Pick: 49ers (+11)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ NEW YORK JETS (+9)

As I just said; I am not about to bet against Tom Brady on the day he passes Brett Favre and Peyton Manning for most wins by a QB in NFL history.

Pick: Pats (-9)

CHICAGO BEARS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-6.5)

Did you know that exactly 17 years ago on October 15th (in the year 2000) the Chicago Bears lost to the Minnesota Vikings 28-16 on Sunday Night? 

I for one know this because that was the same night Randy Moss caught his 34th career touchdown in just his 38th NFL game. 

Why does The Informer remember this obscure Randy Moss stat you ask? 

Well, because that night a high school Informer had a girl over to his house for a date for the first time in his life. And well, without going all Penthouse forum on you, I would like the record to show that night ended with a celebratory "Randy Moss scored a touchdown" French Kiss. 

In the words of Paul Harvey: "Now you know the rest of the story."

Pick: Ravens (-6.5)

PITTSBURGH @ KANSAS CITY (-3.5)

Here are this week’s “I am going to make fun of Ben Roethlisberger because he threw five interceptions against the Jacksonville Jaguars and cost me money” jokes of the week.

Q: What happened to the joke Big Ben Roethlisberger told his receivers?

A: It went over their heads.

Q: What is Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite lottery game?

A: The Pick Six.

Q: Why do Pittsburgh Steelers fans smell so bad?

A: So blind people can hate them to.

via GIPHY

(PS- Until the Chiefs don’t cover a spread (they are 5-0 this season), they are a must bet every single NFL Sunday.)

Pick: Chiefs (-3.5)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-9)

Some of you may not know, but this is the 10th NFL season I have been writing a NFL picks article. And since it is year 10, I thought I would try a new gimmick where I use something I wrote from 10 years ago to describe one of this week's games. 

So with that in mind, here is an exact excerpt (I swear to Tebow it is word for word) from The Informer's Week 6 2008 NFL Picks article: 

"Ummm . . . The Browns really suck!" 

#SomethingsNeverChange

Pick: Texans (-9)

TAMPA BAY @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (+1.5)

As much as I love the Adrian Peterson trade for Adrian Peterson -- because I want to see him actually get a chance to run the football which Arizona should allow him to do -- I still can't pick the Cardinals to beat a Tampa team that just went toe to toe with Tom Brady and had 10 days to prepare for the free-falling Cardinals. 

Pick: Tampa Bay (-1.5)

LOS ANGELES RAMS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS(-2.5)

The Informer’s Gambling Rule #751: If you have a chance to bet against the Jacksonville Jaguars and Vegas is nice enough to give you 2.5 points . . . You always take the points and bet against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Pick: Rams (+2.5)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3.5)

Gambling Rule #752: When you have two bad teams you always take the points. Especially when the favored team is starting a quarterback with a broken traverse . . . Whatever the hell that means?

Pick: Chargers (+3.5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-12)
TENNESSEE TITANS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+6.5)

Ladies and gentlemen as you can see we have a two way tie for this week’s dumpster fire of atrociousness the NFL is trying to pass off as a "Primetime must watch" football contest. 

This of course means instead of wasting any time discussing the trash the NFL is serving up as a main course, we are going to close this article by handing out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week with a little help from our old friend Tyrone Biggums:

Pick: Giants (+12) Colts (+6.5)

#GO FOOTBALL!!!

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 2

Q: Dear Informer how does it feel to go 3-11-1 with your Week 1 NFL Picks?

It does not feel good.

Q: Hey Miss-Informer, why do you suck so bad at picking NFL games against the spread? I mean you were 3-11-1 last week. Do you even watch football?

Am I allowed to blame the damn war and that lying son of a b**ch Johnson for my terrible picks? As for the second question; yes I do watch football.

Q: Informer if I ever see you walking down the street I am going to stab you in the eye with a soldering iron. That is how much money you cost me with your sh**ty NFL picks. Seriously, you should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell with Dan Marino.

Are you asking a question, or just making a general statement about how my life is going to change if we ever meet?

Q: Because I am someone who knows how much you suck at life, I decided to bet against you the entire day last week and ended up making so much money that my wife actually let me have extra marital relations with her. So I just wanted to say thank you for what you do. Also, if it is not too much to ask, could please keep up the sh*tty work? You truly are making some people's lives better with your utter incompetence and stupidity. 

As you can see there was a wide range of emotions stemming from my gawd-awful Week 1 performance. And to be honest, after starting last week 0-9 (seriously 0-9?), I felt the exact same way as everyone else. I was so disgusted that I was ready to give it all up. I was going to quit drinking the Natties. I was going to stop eating the Blimpies, And most importantly; I was going to stop Informing the people and just fade into Bolivia with Mike Tyson.

But as I was going to my travel agent's website to book my flight something funny happened. I accidentally clicked the wrong button and instead of going to my agent's home page (I don't have a travel agent) I was re-directed to the "stats" page for my blog where I saw something that took away all my feelings of doubt, regret and shame.

Do you want to know what I saw?

I saw that despite handing out the worst picks in the history of the world, last week's article was still the most viewed NFL picks article I have ever written.

And, well, once I saw that people were still reading despite my horrendous record; I decided then and there that I was never again going to let one bad week spoil all the great picks we have had over the past 10 seasons.

In other words; last week I may have sucked more than a hoover vacuum on cocaine, but that is not going to keep us from making the 2017 NFL Season great again. So with that in mind, here are The Informer’s 2017 NFL Picks: Week 2.

As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and no regard for human life.

HOUSTON TEXANS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-5.5)

Here is The Informer’s proof of loss pick Tweet:

Give me Bengals (-6) and game over 38 #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 14, 2017

Pick: Bengals (-6)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-7.5)

Y'all want to here a funny "The Informer sucks at gambling" story?

On Friday night I placed a money-line wager (means the team just has to win) on the Cleveland Indians and lost the bet.

Now, for those of you who don’t follow baseball, let me explain why this is so funny. You see, up until Friday night the Indians had been on a 23 game winning streak. Basically, they were unbeatable and the safest bet in sports history. That is of course until I jumped on the bandwagon and single handedly took down their pursuit of history.

Anyways, to make a long hilarious story short while getting back to football, what I am trying to say is f*** Cleveland and I hope LeBron James goes to Los Angeles to play with Kobe Bryant in 2018.

Pick: Ravens (-7.5)

BUFFALO BILLS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-7)

As you can see from the above story, at this current time me and gambling are mixing about as well as Lamb & Tuna fish. But as the old gambling saying goes: "Sooner or later my bookie is going to break my knee caps, so I might as well pull a Bud Kilmer (aka stick to the basics) and bet the home favorite with the better quarterback."

Because if there is one thing I have learned in 10 years of writing this article, it is the fact that betting the obvious home favorite with the better quarterback is what The Informer does best.

Pick: Panthers (-7)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+1)

If the Tennessee Titans are going to win the AFC South and make the leap like I predicted last week, then they must win this game against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Pick: Titans (-1)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+7)

The answer is 11.

The question was: How many Natties would I have to drink before I was drunk enough to pick the
Indianapolis Colts to cover a football game without Andrew Luck?

The answer is 2.

The question was: How many minutes did it take for me to immediately regret my drunken life choice and switch my pick from Colts (+7) to Cardinals (-7).

Pick: Cards (-7)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-6)

I have very few rules in life, but one of them is too always bet the Kansas City Chiefs the week after they beat the New England Patriots while securing their spot as the greatest team in NFL history.

Pick: Chiefs (-6)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (+6)

There is literally no way to verify or fact check this statement, but I am pretty sure Bill Bellicheck has never lost a game following a week where his team is coming off an embarrassing blowout loss to the greatest team in the history of the NFL.

Pick: Patriots (-6)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-5.5)

The Minnesota Vikings are traveling on a short week, after a huge Monday Night Football win, and thanks to a "Sam Bradford bum knee" there is a chance their quarterback is going to be Case Kenum or Zack Morris’ best friend Kyle “A.C.” Sloter.

Call me crazy, but this game – if Sam Bradford is not healthy -- has all the makings of a Pittsburgh boat race. Which is why I am making the Steelers this week’s Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Steelers (-5.5)

CHICAGO BEARS @ TAMPA BAY (-6.5)

I apologize for the up coming rant, but as I was typing this paragraph the Oklahoma Sooners decided to throw an 83-yard touchdown pass with less than three minutes left in a game they were winning by 35 points.

Please re-read that last sentence again.

It says that instead of running the clock out and winning the game by 35 points, the Sooners threw an 83-yard touchdown pass on 1st f***** down just so they could cover the point spread. Seriously, who in the bluest of blue hells does that? The damn game was over. Have some f****** class and run the Gawd damn ball so I can push my Tulane (+35) bet you motherless mother ********!!!

Seriously, I hate your stinking Oklahoma guts. You make me vomit. You are the scum between my toes. 

Pick: Bears (+6.5)

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (-4)

Drunk Jay Cutler getting four points on the road the week after his first game since retiring was cancelled due to a Hurricane? You had me at “drunk”.

Pick: Dolphins (+4)

NEW YORK JETS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-13.5)

Speaking of the great drunken one, here is this week’s Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

Pick: Raiders: (-13.5)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-3)

Last week the Los Angeles Rams scored 46 points against the dumpster fire known as the Indianapolis Colts and now everyone thinks they are going to beat the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl 52?

In the words of someone more famous than I: “Grow up Peter Pan.”

How about we let them beat an actual NFL team before we go Denny Greening their asses the second best team ever?  Would that be okay with everyone?

Pick: Redskins (+3)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ DENVER BRONCOS (+2.5)

As long as Zeke Elliot is not suspended, I am riding the Cowboys.

Pick: Dallas (-2.5)

SAN FRANCISCO @ SEATTLE HGHAWKS (-14)

I am taking the Seahawks because they are a better football team, with the better coach and a better HGH dealer (allegedly).

Also, since there is absolutely no good reason to keep talking about this game, I thought now would be the perfect time to share my favorite money-line parlay (means you pick teams just to win, no point spread involved) and my Las Vegas Super Picks contest selections for this week.

Parlay: Steelers, Ravens, Patriots, Packers & Lions (A $150 bets wins $1930)

Las Vegas Super Picks: Steelers (-5.5) Ravens (-8) Cowboys (-2.5) Packers (+3) & Raiders (-13.5)

Pick: HGH Hawks (-14)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-3)

As you can see from the above section, I am following the “never bet against Aaron Rodgers as an underdog in Primetime” rule.

Pick: Packers (+3)

DETROIT LIONS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (+3.5)

Last week I had a number of people (one person) notice that I did not mention the 1st half under in primetime and they wanted to know why?

My answer to that question is this: I did not mention the 1st half under in primetime because Vegas was starting to catch on and I did not want our free money making bet to be destroyed by the Vegas mob. So from now on, just because I am not writing about it, does not mean you and I should not be betting it.

Like I said at the beginning of this article; stick to the basics and keep doing the right thing with the best bet in football --and at the end of the day you will make money.

Pick: Lions (+3.5) & the you know what (u21.5)