The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 6

Q: Hey Informer do you have any regrets about your 5-10 NFL Picks record in Week 5?

You mean like betting against Tom Brady at home in Primetime while he was playing the Colts? Or losing my Lion King Lock of the Week because the Miami Dolphins couldn't protect a 17-0 second half lead (which means they were up 23.5-0 per the spread)? Or maybe you are asking if I regretted breaking all the gambling rules by betting against three teams that were home underdogs/home teams favored by less than three points (those teams went 3-0, I went 0-3)?

If that is what you are asking, then my answer is no. I don't regret anything. Sure I wish I would have won, but at the end of the day I made my picks based off of years of scientific research  a drunken gut feeling and I have no regrets where that feeling led me to. Even if it was to the post office to mail my bookie a check that could have been used to by all of the Patrick Mahomes rookie cards. 

Q: What about that tweet you sent after finding out your kids soccer game was canceled? Do you regret that?

What tweet? I don't remember sending any tweet out about my daughter's soccer games.

Q: Are you really going to sit there and pretend you don't remember this?

I'm not saying it was my best moment as a dad, but here was live video footage of me finding out my daughter's 2pm Sunday soccer game was canceled due to rain # pic.twitter.com/nJaFRk0w4R

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 7, 2018

Oh you meant that tweet? Yea, I 100% regret sending that tweet. In fact I am 100% certain that tweet -- and not my drunken gut feelings --  was the entire reason my picks were an absolute dumpster fire of an abortion last week.

Q: Spin it how ever your want Informer,  but the fact remains that you are an utter embarrassment to the internet and you should probably just delete your blogger account. But, because I know you are a stubborn jackass who thinks people actually read this garbage,  could you maybe give us one really cool stat before we get to this week's picks?

Using the word "utter" before calling me an embarrassment seems a bit harsh. But I guess in the end you did ask nicely, so I will answer answer your question with this really interesting and cool stat:

Here are the Top 10 NFL career touchdown pass leaders in 1994

1. Fran Tarkenton - 342
2. Dan Marino - 328
3. Johnny Unitas - 290
4. Joe Montana - 273
5. Sonny Jurgensen - 255
6. Dan Foutes - 254
7. John Hadl - 244
8. Y.A. Tittle - 242
9. Len Dawson - 239
10. George Blanda -236

Here is Top 10 NFL career touchdown pass leaders in 2018

1. Peyton Manning - 539
2. Brett Favre - 508
3. Tom Brady - 500
4. Drew Brees - 499
5. Dan Marino - 420
6. Philip Rivers - 355
7. Eli Manning - 345
8. Fran Tarkenton -342
9. Ben Roethlisberger - 340
10. Aaron Rodgers - 323

Isn't it wild that today seven of the Top 10 greatest touchdown throwers in NFL history are quarterbacks who were not even in the NFL the year Joe Montana retired with the fourth most touchdown passes in NFL history (Brett Favre was finishing his third season)?

Furthermore, how good was Fran Tarkenton? I mean the dude retired in 1978 and yet his passing numbers still hold up today despite the evidence showing us the NFL is now a pass happy league. That is simply amazing.

Sticking with Fran: Did you know that Tarkenton held the TD record from 1978 to 1995 (17 years)? Then Dan Marino held the record from 1995 to 2007 (12 years). Brett Favre then held the record from 2007 to 2014 (seven years). And finally Peyton Manning will hold the record from 2015 until sometime in 2019 when Tom Brady or Drew Brees breaks his record (four years). 

So I guess my point/question is: Will we ever see someone hold this record for 17 years again? Or is it just going to keep changing hands every 2-7 years?

And finally, if this stat  repeats history, that means in 24 years seven of the greatest statistical quarterbacks in NFL history will have been replaced by guys who may or may not even be playing college football right now. 

Think about that for a second. 

Anyways, now that we have all been "informed" about the future of NFL quarterbacks with this week's really cool stat of the day, here are The Informer's Week 6 NFL Picks.

As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The N.F. Informer is strictly prohibited.

Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Giants (+3)

Here is The Informer's proof of pick Thursday Night Football Tweet:

Im taking the Eagles (-1) #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 11, 2018

Ladies and gentle people, your eyes are not deceiving you. That is a Thursday night win.

Pick: Eagles (-3)


Seattle HGHawks (-3) @ Oakland Raiders (in London)

Over the past Fortnight I have been Sod Off by the fact that I am a Tosser who has Lost the Plot when it comes to picking Bloody NFL games. Hell, I have been Cocking Up so badly by handing out Crusty Dragon picks that I was actually thinking about quitting in order to become a Chap-Scrubber On the Pull for Starker Daft-Cows who don’t know the difference between their Knackers and Strawberry Creams.

But then I realized quitting would make me a complete Axe Wound who should be forced to Go to Her Majesty’s Pleasure just like all the Pounces that Filch from the Khazi Slappers who give you Nookie for money. So, because I didn’t want to be a complete Areshole Axe Wound, I decided I am going to get back to being Aces by betting against the Chav Knobhead Raiders on Sunday. 

Now, don’t get your Knickers in a Twist Raiders fans, I do think you have an Anorak offense, and that there is a chance I Throw a Spanner in the Works, but the fact remains your defense is going to See a Man about a Dog on Sunday; which means they will not be Up for it against a Seattle offense that just went toe to toe with the 2018 NFC Champions. 

Again, I am not Arse over Tit for this pick, but Before you Bite your Arm off, please keep in mind the Raiders -- who are basically playing their fourth road game of the young 2018 season -- have been All fur coat and no knickers in 2018. So I literally have no choice but to Leg over the points and take the HGHawks while making myself a couple of Easy-peasy Quids. 

Bob's your uncle. 

Pick: HGHawks (-3)


Arizona Cardinals @ Minnesota Vikings (-10)

There is no way the Vikings lay another egg against a double digit dumpster fire . . . Right?

Pick: Vikings (-10)


Los Angeles Chargers @ Cleveland Browns (-1.5)

I am going to keep riding the red hot covering Browns (they are 4-1 on the season against the spread) until they turn back into the Browns and cost me money. 

Pick: Browns (-1.5)


Tampa Bay @ Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)

Here is a meme of motivational speaker Matt Foley expressing my exact feelings on the 2018 Atlanta Falcons:

Pick: Falcons (-3.5)


Carolina Panthers @ Washington Redskins (+1)
Indianapolis Colts @ New York Jets (-2.5)
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals (-2.5)
Los Angeles Raiders @ Denver Donkeys (-6.5)

Remember last week when every home underdog/ home team that was favored by less than three points covered? And then after this happened I got Jay Cutler wasted and swore to Tim Tebow that I would never -- not even if their was a fire -- bet against a home dog/ home team favored by less than three points ever again?

Well, I give you this weeks picks that involve home dogs/ home teams favored by less than three points . . . #I really am a moron.

Pick: Panthers (-1) Colts (+2.5) Steelers (+2.5) Rams (-6.5)


Chicago Bears @ Miami Dolphins (+3)

Speaking of home dogs: Did you know that Ryan Tannehill was downgraded to questionable on Friday with a shoulder injury and may not play in this game? This means that there is a good chance Brock Osweiler is going to start/play quarterback in this game.

Folks please re-read that last sentence. Because it says: THERE IS A CHANCE BROCK OSWEILER PLAYS QUARTERBACK IN THIS GAME!!!

And, well, any time there is a chance for "Brock to Brock", The Informer's gambling rules clearly stat that I have to make the team he is going to "Brock" against the Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Bears (-3)


Buffalo Bills @ Houston Texans (-10)

Abortion. Trash. Dumpster fire. Open Hatchet Wound. Crud. Sewage. Balderdash. Gross. Yuck.

In other words, here is this Week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week starring the beautiful Selena Gomez:

The Internet can be really mean sometimes #Memes & Words Hurt You Know? 

Pick: Bills (+10)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Dallas Cowboys (+3.5)

Give me the home dog against a team without a good running back so they have to plan their entire offense around Blake Bortles being a great quarterback. 

Pick: Cowboys (+3.5)

Baltimore Ravens @ Tennessee Titans (+3)

Give me the home dog against a team without a good running back so they have to plan their entire offense around Joe Flacco being a great quarterback. 

Pick: Titans (+3)

Kansas City Chiefs @ New England Patriots (-3.5)

I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . .I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again!!!!!

Just so we are all clear, I am totally betting against Tom Brady in Primetime again. In the words of the great Forrest Gump: "I am not a smart man."

Pick: Chiefs (+3.5)

San Francisco 49ers @ Green Bay Packers (-9.5)

Aaron Rodgers in Primtime. That is my expert opinion as to why you should bet the Packers on Monday Night Football. 

Pick: Green Bay (-9.5)

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 6

Here are The Informer’s Week 6 2017 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3.5)

My Thursday night proof of loss Tweet:

I’m taking Carolina -3.5 tonight #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 12, 2017

Pick: Panthers (-3.5)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (+3)

This is probably not going to be a huge surprise since 80% of the public is already making the same bet, but I am making Aaron Rodgers the Lion King Lock of the Week. 

The logic is simple: Sometimes Vegas gives us the gift of Aaron Rodgers vs Case Keenum and we just needs to open our wallets and accept it. 

Pick: LKLOTW Packers (-3)

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-14)

NFL Gambling rules clearly state a person must always bet Jay Cutler when the "Drunk One" is getting two touchdowns on the road the same week one of his coaches resigned because of a cocaine scandal.

Pick: Dolphins (+14)

DETROIT LIONS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-5.5)

Q: Informer I was told last week you actually tried to inform people with real stats. Is this true? Did you for once give actual NFL facts instead of making constant jokes about your Natty Light abuse and how fat you are? If it is true, could you do it again this week? I mean, not an entire article, but maybe one section filled with some stats your readers need to know heading into Week 6?

Other than pointing out the part where you obviously misspelled "you're", I guess my answer to your request would be ask and you shall receive. With that in mind here are my Top 6 most favorite stats heading into Week 6. 

1. The great Adrian Peterson needs three rushing touchdowns to become just the 10th player in NFL history to rush for 100 career touchdowns. 
2. Speaking of the recently traded -- and hopefully rejuvenated --- Peterson, the Cardinals back needs just 484 yards this season to pass Thurman Thomas (12,074) Franco Harris (12,120), Marcus Allen (12,243), Edgerin James (12,246), Marshall Faulk (12,279) and Jim Brown (12,312) on the all-time rushing list.
3. Larry Fitzgerald needs 15-yards to pass Steve Smith for seventh place on the all-time receiving yards chart.
4. Antonio Brown will move into the Top 60 most career receiving yards if he hauls in 63-yards on Sunday.
5. Sticking with receiving records: Demaryius Thomas (needs 49-yards) and Julio Jones (needs 95) have a chance to become the 92nd and 93rd players in NFL history to reach 8,000 career receiving yards. 
6. And finally, with a touchdown catch on Sunday, Chris Hogan will become the first Pats WR since Randy Moss in 2007 to catch a TD in five straight games.

Pick: Lions (+5.5)

SAN FRANCISCO @ WASHINGTON (-11)

Things I would rather do than watch the 49ers & Redskins play football on Sunday: Order a salad at Blimpies. Go up against Jay Cutler in a beer drinking contest. Put the urine from a Miami Dolphins assistant coach in my whizzinator. Purposely drink Milwaukee’s Best Light. Have Eminem free-style rap about me. Play Edward Norton's part in a live reenactment of the American History X shower scene. Bet Ben Roethlisberger's under total interceptions during a home game against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Give away my Rashaan Salaam rookie cards. And finally, I would rather bet against Tom Brady on the day he passes Brett Favre and Peyton Manning for most wins by a QB in NFL history.

In other words; I will not be watching the 49ers and Redskins play football on Sunday.

Pick: 49ers (+11)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ NEW YORK JETS (+9)

As I just said; I am not about to bet against Tom Brady on the day he passes Brett Favre and Peyton Manning for most wins by a QB in NFL history.

Pick: Pats (-9)

CHICAGO BEARS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-6.5)

Did you know that exactly 17 years ago on October 15th (in the year 2000) the Chicago Bears lost to the Minnesota Vikings 28-16 on Sunday Night? 

I for one know this because that was the same night Randy Moss caught his 34th career touchdown in just his 38th NFL game. 

Why does The Informer remember this obscure Randy Moss stat you ask? 

Well, because that night a high school Informer had a girl over to his house for a date for the first time in his life. And well, without going all Penthouse forum on you, I would like the record to show that night ended with a celebratory "Randy Moss scored a touchdown" French Kiss. 

In the words of Paul Harvey: "Now you know the rest of the story."

Pick: Ravens (-6.5)

PITTSBURGH @ KANSAS CITY (-3.5)

Here are this week’s “I am going to make fun of Ben Roethlisberger because he threw five interceptions against the Jacksonville Jaguars and cost me money” jokes of the week.

Q: What happened to the joke Big Ben Roethlisberger told his receivers?

A: It went over their heads.

Q: What is Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite lottery game?

A: The Pick Six.

Q: Why do Pittsburgh Steelers fans smell so bad?

A: So blind people can hate them to.

via GIPHY

(PS- Until the Chiefs don’t cover a spread (they are 5-0 this season), they are a must bet every single NFL Sunday.)

Pick: Chiefs (-3.5)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-9)

Some of you may not know, but this is the 10th NFL season I have been writing a NFL picks article. And since it is year 10, I thought I would try a new gimmick where I use something I wrote from 10 years ago to describe one of this week's games. 

So with that in mind, here is an exact excerpt (I swear to Tebow it is word for word) from The Informer's Week 6 2008 NFL Picks article: 

"Ummm . . . The Browns really suck!" 

#SomethingsNeverChange

Pick: Texans (-9)

TAMPA BAY @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (+1.5)

As much as I love the Adrian Peterson trade for Adrian Peterson -- because I want to see him actually get a chance to run the football which Arizona should allow him to do -- I still can't pick the Cardinals to beat a Tampa team that just went toe to toe with Tom Brady and had 10 days to prepare for the free-falling Cardinals. 

Pick: Tampa Bay (-1.5)

LOS ANGELES RAMS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS(-2.5)

The Informer’s Gambling Rule #751: If you have a chance to bet against the Jacksonville Jaguars and Vegas is nice enough to give you 2.5 points . . . You always take the points and bet against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Pick: Rams (+2.5)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3.5)

Gambling Rule #752: When you have two bad teams you always take the points. Especially when the favored team is starting a quarterback with a broken traverse . . . Whatever the hell that means?

Pick: Chargers (+3.5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-12)
TENNESSEE TITANS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+6.5)

Ladies and gentlemen as you can see we have a two way tie for this week’s dumpster fire of atrociousness the NFL is trying to pass off as a "Primetime must watch" football contest. 

This of course means instead of wasting any time discussing the trash the NFL is serving up as a main course, we are going to close this article by handing out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week with a little help from our old friend Tyrone Biggums:

Pick: Giants (+12) Colts (+6.5)

#GO FOOTBALL!!!

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 2

Q: Dear Informer how does it feel to go 3-11-1 with your Week 1 NFL Picks?

It does not feel good.

Q: Hey Miss-Informer, why do you suck so bad at picking NFL games against the spread? I mean you were 3-11-1 last week. Do you even watch football?

Am I allowed to blame the damn war and that lying son of a b**ch Johnson for my terrible picks? As for the second question; yes I do watch football.

Q: Informer if I ever see you walking down the street I am going to stab you in the eye with a soldering iron. That is how much money you cost me with your sh**ty NFL picks. Seriously, you should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell with Dan Marino.

Are you asking a question, or just making a general statement about how my life is going to change if we ever meet?

Q: Because I am someone who knows how much you suck at life, I decided to bet against you the entire day last week and ended up making so much money that my wife actually let me have extra marital relations with her. So I just wanted to say thank you for what you do. Also, if it is not too much to ask, could please keep up the sh*tty work? You truly are making some people's lives better with your utter incompetence and stupidity. 

As you can see there was a wide range of emotions stemming from my gawd-awful Week 1 performance. And to be honest, after starting last week 0-9 (seriously 0-9?), I felt the exact same way as everyone else. I was so disgusted that I was ready to give it all up. I was going to quit drinking the Natties. I was going to stop eating the Blimpies, And most importantly; I was going to stop Informing the people and just fade into Bolivia with Mike Tyson.

But as I was going to my travel agent's website to book my flight something funny happened. I accidentally clicked the wrong button and instead of going to my agent's home page (I don't have a travel agent) I was re-directed to the "stats" page for my blog where I saw something that took away all my feelings of doubt, regret and shame.

Do you want to know what I saw?

I saw that despite handing out the worst picks in the history of the world, last week's article was still the most viewed NFL picks article I have ever written.

And, well, once I saw that people were still reading despite my horrendous record; I decided then and there that I was never again going to let one bad week spoil all the great picks we have had over the past 10 seasons.

In other words; last week I may have sucked more than a hoover vacuum on cocaine, but that is not going to keep us from making the 2017 NFL Season great again. So with that in mind, here are The Informer’s 2017 NFL Picks: Week 2.

As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and no regard for human life.

HOUSTON TEXANS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-5.5)

Here is The Informer’s proof of loss pick Tweet:

Give me Bengals (-6) and game over 38 #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 14, 2017

Pick: Bengals (-6)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-7.5)

Y'all want to here a funny "The Informer sucks at gambling" story?

On Friday night I placed a money-line wager (means the team just has to win) on the Cleveland Indians and lost the bet.

Now, for those of you who don’t follow baseball, let me explain why this is so funny. You see, up until Friday night the Indians had been on a 23 game winning streak. Basically, they were unbeatable and the safest bet in sports history. That is of course until I jumped on the bandwagon and single handedly took down their pursuit of history.

Anyways, to make a long hilarious story short while getting back to football, what I am trying to say is f*** Cleveland and I hope LeBron James goes to Los Angeles to play with Kobe Bryant in 2018.

Pick: Ravens (-7.5)

BUFFALO BILLS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-7)

As you can see from the above story, at this current time me and gambling are mixing about as well as Lamb & Tuna fish. But as the old gambling saying goes: "Sooner or later my bookie is going to break my knee caps, so I might as well pull a Bud Kilmer (aka stick to the basics) and bet the home favorite with the better quarterback."

Because if there is one thing I have learned in 10 years of writing this article, it is the fact that betting the obvious home favorite with the better quarterback is what The Informer does best.

Pick: Panthers (-7)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+1)

If the Tennessee Titans are going to win the AFC South and make the leap like I predicted last week, then they must win this game against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Pick: Titans (-1)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+7)

The answer is 11.

The question was: How many Natties would I have to drink before I was drunk enough to pick the
Indianapolis Colts to cover a football game without Andrew Luck?

The answer is 2.

The question was: How many minutes did it take for me to immediately regret my drunken life choice and switch my pick from Colts (+7) to Cardinals (-7).

Pick: Cards (-7)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-6)

I have very few rules in life, but one of them is too always bet the Kansas City Chiefs the week after they beat the New England Patriots while securing their spot as the greatest team in NFL history.

Pick: Chiefs (-6)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (+6)

There is literally no way to verify or fact check this statement, but I am pretty sure Bill Bellicheck has never lost a game following a week where his team is coming off an embarrassing blowout loss to the greatest team in the history of the NFL.

Pick: Patriots (-6)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-5.5)

The Minnesota Vikings are traveling on a short week, after a huge Monday Night Football win, and thanks to a "Sam Bradford bum knee" there is a chance their quarterback is going to be Case Kenum or Zack Morris’ best friend Kyle “A.C.” Sloter.

Call me crazy, but this game – if Sam Bradford is not healthy -- has all the makings of a Pittsburgh boat race. Which is why I am making the Steelers this week’s Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Steelers (-5.5)

CHICAGO BEARS @ TAMPA BAY (-6.5)

I apologize for the up coming rant, but as I was typing this paragraph the Oklahoma Sooners decided to throw an 83-yard touchdown pass with less than three minutes left in a game they were winning by 35 points.

Please re-read that last sentence again.

It says that instead of running the clock out and winning the game by 35 points, the Sooners threw an 83-yard touchdown pass on 1st f***** down just so they could cover the point spread. Seriously, who in the bluest of blue hells does that? The damn game was over. Have some f****** class and run the Gawd damn ball so I can push my Tulane (+35) bet you motherless mother ********!!!

Seriously, I hate your stinking Oklahoma guts. You make me vomit. You are the scum between my toes. 

Pick: Bears (+6.5)

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (-4)

Drunk Jay Cutler getting four points on the road the week after his first game since retiring was cancelled due to a Hurricane? You had me at “drunk”.

Pick: Dolphins (+4)

NEW YORK JETS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-13.5)

Speaking of the great drunken one, here is this week’s Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

Pick: Raiders: (-13.5)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-3)

Last week the Los Angeles Rams scored 46 points against the dumpster fire known as the Indianapolis Colts and now everyone thinks they are going to beat the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl 52?

In the words of someone more famous than I: “Grow up Peter Pan.”

How about we let them beat an actual NFL team before we go Denny Greening their asses the second best team ever?  Would that be okay with everyone?

Pick: Redskins (+3)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ DENVER BRONCOS (+2.5)

As long as Zeke Elliot is not suspended, I am riding the Cowboys.

Pick: Dallas (-2.5)

SAN FRANCISCO @ SEATTLE HGHAWKS (-14)

I am taking the Seahawks because they are a better football team, with the better coach and a better HGH dealer (allegedly).

Also, since there is absolutely no good reason to keep talking about this game, I thought now would be the perfect time to share my favorite money-line parlay (means you pick teams just to win, no point spread involved) and my Las Vegas Super Picks contest selections for this week.

Parlay: Steelers, Ravens, Patriots, Packers & Lions (A $150 bets wins $1930)

Las Vegas Super Picks: Steelers (-5.5) Ravens (-8) Cowboys (-2.5) Packers (+3) & Raiders (-13.5)

Pick: HGH Hawks (-14)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-3)

As you can see from the above section, I am following the “never bet against Aaron Rodgers as an underdog in Primetime” rule.

Pick: Packers (+3)

DETROIT LIONS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (+3.5)

Last week I had a number of people (one person) notice that I did not mention the 1st half under in primetime and they wanted to know why?

My answer to that question is this: I did not mention the 1st half under in primetime because Vegas was starting to catch on and I did not want our free money making bet to be destroyed by the Vegas mob. So from now on, just because I am not writing about it, does not mean you and I should not be betting it.

Like I said at the beginning of this article; stick to the basics and keep doing the right thing with the best bet in football --and at the end of the day you will make money.

Pick: Lions (+3.5) & the you know what (u21.5)

The Informer's 2015 NFL Picks Challenge: Week 4

Ladies and gentlemen, The Informer is not going to lie; he is freaking excited. After three weeks of the 2015 NFL Season your favorite sports writer has posted a career best 31-16-2 (including last night’s push) record against the spread.

Now, just to put my record into perspective, here is a list of how The Informer stacks up with some of the "National Experts" (Their records are on the far right) . . .

Setting aside the fact that the graphic looks like complete dog sh*t, if you look closely you will notice that out of all the "National Experts" (from Grantland, Yahoo, Five-Thirty-Six, CBS, USA Today, Fox, etc.) who make weekly picks against the spread; there is not a single person who has a better record than The Informer's 31-16-2.

That is not a typo folks. The simple truth when it comes to handicapping the NFL is this: If you are looking for the best picks money can buy then The Informer is your Huckleberry.

Anyways, which means please do not interrupt The Informer while he is stroking his own ego and watching Tombstone clips, now that we got all the "look at me bragging" out of the way: How about we crack open the Natties and get on with Week 4 of The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks Challenge?

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (+3)

Here is what The Informer tweeted out Thursday morning before the world found out Josh Scobee is a double agent for the Baltimore Ravens . . .

I am betting Pittsburgh +3 tonight...And also taking the under 21.5 for the first half #LetsDoThisPittsburgh

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 1, 2015

Needless to say, Josh Scobee as a "football player" -- The Informer is sure he is a nice human being -- is a no good motherless mother ****** #TheInformerHatesYourStinkingGuts!!!

Moving on from the Scobee boning, The Informer would like to point out that the first half under in Prime-time is now 8-2 on the year. For you non math majors, that means it is hitting a staggering 80% of the time. In other words, make sure you adjust your fake illegal wagers accordingly in New Orleans and Seattle this weekend.

Pick: Steelers (+3 PUSH)

NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (IN LONDON +3)

Here is my dilemma: Normally on Sundays, The Informer runs home from working the night shift, chugs five Natty Lights, then takes a three hour nap in order to wake up for the noon games. It is a tried and true routine that has worked well for the past three seasons.

The problem this Sunday is the fact that there is a NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE game being played at 8:30am Central time.

So the question becomes: Should The Informer stay up (without a cat nap) to watch the Jets-Dolphins while trying to chug Natties for 14 hours straight after working the overnight shift? Or should The Informer take into consideration that this game features Ryan Fitzpatrick and the New York Jets (boring) and skip it all together while sticking to the normal Sunday routine?

Talk about a conundrum (How in the hell do you spell conundrum?).

"Hey Informer: Why don’t you just call in sick to work? That way you can get some sleep on Saturday night, but still be able to wake up and start crushing Natties at 8:30 while not missing any football action. That is your best option as an alcoholic football fan. Oh and by the way, even a blind mice gets lucky with their picks every once in awhile; so don’t get used to the success because you are bound to come crashing back down to Earth. You want to know why? Because you suck . . . You jackass."

Well . . . Other than the last part, which was really mean-spirited and rude, the figment of The Informer’s imagination has a great idea. Now I guess the question becomes: Which one of The Informer's five kids is going to get the flu on Saturday #WorkExcuses.

Pick: Dolphins (+3)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-9)

Dear Colts fans who are upset about the nightmare that is your offensive line right now, please keep in mind that it could be worse; you could be trapped in this elevator . . .



#ThatPrankIsF******Up #ImFreakingOutMan.

Pick: Jags (+9)

(Editor's Note - This pick was originally Colts -9, but with Andrew Luck not playing I am changing the pick to Jags +9. For the sake of having accurate picks, I have embedded the tweet that proves my change of mind took place before the game. Sorry for the confusion.)

Andrew Luck is not playing...Means I am changing my pick to Jags +9

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 4, 2015

HOUSTON TEXANS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-6)

Do you all remember in last week’s article how The Informer wrote a gushing section about Antonio Brown and how the guy was on pace for over 2,000 yards receiving and a historically great season? And then the next day Brown’s quarterback got injured followed by Brown’s NFL record streak of 35 straight games with at least 5 receptions and 50 yards getting snapped in his first game without the RoethlisDoubleBaconCheeseberger?

Yea . . . Because of the above scenario, The Informer is going to decline comment on this game and any participants involved who may or may not be having a historically great start to the 2015 NFL Season #TheInformerJinxIsReal.

Pick: Texans (+6)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (+3)

Shhh . . . Don’t tell Vegas the Carolina Panthers are a really good football team and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are a pile of worthless sh*t #LionKingLockOfTheWeek.

Pick: LKLOTW Panthers (-3)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-5)

The last time The Informer was excited to watch a Bills-Giants game this happened . . .



Too soon?

Anyways, which now means please don’t interrupt The Informer while he is getting death threats from every single person in the greater Buffalo area, The Informer is thinking Da Bills are going to circle the wagons while riding Tyrod "The Cannon" Taylor’s arm to some sweet-sweet revenge 24-years later.

Pick: Bills (-5)

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3)

The Informer swears to "Tebow" he almost made the Raiders his Lion King Lock of the Week. To answer the next question: No . . . The Informer was not drunk when he wrote that sentence.

Pick: Raiders (-3)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (+3)

If The Informer ever bets that dumpster fire Kirk Cousins again you all have the right to kick me squarely in the d*ck. Seriously, that dude is the scum between The Informer's toes.

Pick: Washington (+3)

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ CINNCINATI BENGALS (-4)

As Kevin Costner once said, you ride a trend until she bucks you, or you don't ride at all. And right now there is no better gambling ride than a Red-Hot (& Headed) Andy Dalton at home giving less than a touchdown.

Pick: Bengals (-4)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-7.5)

Next . . .

Pick: Chargers (-7.5)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ SAN FRACISCO 49ERS (+8)

The Green Bay Packers are on a short week, after winning a huge Monday Night game, they are traveling to the West coast, 80% of the public is betting on them to cover and they are playing against a quarterback they have never beaten (Kaepernick is 3-0 all-time against Rodgers).

Basically, all the normal gambling rules say to bet against Green Bay this week. Then again, all of the normal gambling rules don’t take into consideration that the Packers will be starting the 2X NFL MVP Aaron Rodgers against the team that passed on taking him in the 2005 NFL Draft in favor of Alex Smith.

The Informer is sorry he is not sorry, but at this point in time if you bet against Aaron Rodgers you are a moron.

Pick: Packers (-8)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-6.5)

According to the National Media Peyton Manning is old; washed up; not capable of throwing a pigskin; has to eat his Blimpies with dentures; has to use a wheel chair to pick up his legalized "hippie lettuce"; is paralyzed from the waist down; has erectile dysfunction; he can't feel his arms; his left leg is missing; rigor mortis has set in; and that he has actually been in a coma for the last four seasons.

Now, despite all of those things going against him, The Informer has no choice but to once again back Manning and his Laser-Rocket-Duck-Launcher.

Pick: Donkeys (-6.5)

ST LOUIS RAMS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-7)

Remember how Vegas likes to build Casinos and not give away money to public bettors? Well, because of that fact, The Informer needs to point out that 86% of the public is betting Arizona on Sunday.

Listen, The Informer thinks the Cards will dominate the entire game and win, but somehow, some way, Vegas/St. Louis is going to backdoor cover on Sunday; which means you have to bet the Rams.

"Hey idiot, don't you remember your own rule about never betting against a Bruce Arians coached team at home? And are you seriously going to take Nick Foles on the road against the hottest offense in football? Man, you really are fatter and stupider than I originally thought."

You know what? The made up people in The Informer's head are right. The number one gambling rule for 2015 is that you never bet against Bruce Arians and the Arizona Cardinals when they are playing at home. Forget about the new Casinos and just listen to Bud Kilmer on Sunday #StickToTheBasics.

Pick: Cardinals (-7)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3)

Did you know the last time the Saints played a Sunday night game in October they beat the Green Bay Packers? Did you also know since that time they have lost six straight games in the SuperDome? Well, as The Informer has always said, when your team can’t win a home game the best remedy for the problem is to schedule an appearance by Brandon Weeden.

With a healthy Drew Brees back in the lineup, the Saints will get their first win of the season.

Pick: Saints (-3)

DETROIT LIONS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-10)

At some point Matthew Stafford is going to realize that he has "The Shredder" Calvin Johnson on his team, right?

Pick: Lions (+10)

And on that note, if you will please excuse me, The Informer has three weeks worth of fake illegal gambling money that needs to be wasted on Blimpies, Natties, Gator Boots and the pimped out Gucci suits . . .



#StillFly #BigTymers #NFLPicks #WinnerWinnerBlimpiesDinner #HaveAGreatWeek4

2015 RECORD: 31-16-2

The Informer's 2015 NFL Picks: Week 3

After picking 11-5 against the spread in Week 2 of the 2015 NFL Season, The Informer is once again ready to make the people money. So with John Football Clipboard hand gestures on the mind, let’s crack those Natties and get right to Week 3 of The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks Challenge.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-3.5)

Here is the deal folks; only an absolute moron would pick Kirk Cousins on the road in Prime-time against an 0-2 Giants team that was playing for their season. So if you know someone who was actually dumb enough to bet Kirk "INT" Cousins last night, you have The Informer’s permission to kick that d-bag squarely in the gonads.

Trust me, they deserve it.

For everyone's information . .. The Informer is taking Washington +3.5 tonight and also riding the first half under #FirstHalfUnderIs6-1

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 24, 2015

Before we wrap this game up, here is The Informer’s Week 3 stat of the day: Did you know through his first 15 NFL games the great Randy Moss had 64 receptions for 1,281 yards and 16 TDs (an NFL record for TDs through 15 games)? Did you also know through his first 15 NFL games the "ODB" Odell Beckham Jr. has 110 receptions for 1,574 yards (an NFL record for receptions & yards through 15 games) and 14 TDs?

Just saying; enjoy what you are watching in New York, because right now it is pure greatness in the making.

Pick: Skins (+3.5)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ ST LOUIS RAMS (+1.5)

Speaking of greatness: Antonio Brown is on pace for 144 receptions 2,624 yards and 16 TDs. Now it would be absurd to think Brown can keep this up (164 yards a game is ridiculous), but if he is able to keep up a semi-pace – like say 120 yards a games – than he would become the first NFL receiver to reach 2,000 yards in a single season. Again, it is early in the season, but with this Pittsburgh offense, and the greatness of Brown, it is not out of the realm of possibility, right?

As for the gambling portion of this game; since the line is a tossup, The Informer has no choice but to bet against 85% of the public.

Pick: Rams (+1.5)

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-2.5)

The last time Adrian Peterson played the San Diego Chargers at home was in 2007 and this happened . . .



So yea . . . The Informer is betting Adrian Peterson on Sunday.

Pick: Vikings (-2.5)

TAMPA BAY @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-6.5)

Do we really live in a world where Ryan Mallet and the Houston Texans are favored by 6.5 points even though they are playing without Arian Foster and possibly DeAndre Hopkins (he was undergoing concussion treatment on Thursday)?

Give The Informer the points and the rookie quarterback on the road against J.J. Watt. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Pick: Tampa Bay (+6.5)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (+2)

Gambling rule #700: If the spread is less than three and you have the chance to bet against Brandon Weeden –YOU ALWAYS BET AGAINST BRANDON WEEDEN!!!

Pick: Falcons (-2)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ NEW YORK JETS (-2.5)

The Informer is going to lose so much money this season betting against the New York Jets #EventuallyRyanFitzpatrickWillRealizeHeIsRyanFitzpatrick.

Pick: Eagles (+2.5)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ CAROLINA PANTEHRS (-4.5)

Shhhhh . . . Be very very quiet. We don’t want to let Vegas know the Panthers and Cam Newton, despite playing without wide receivers, are actually a really good team.

Pick: Panthers (-4.5)

CINNCINATI BENGALS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-2.5)

There is no way on Tebow's Green Earth that the red headed gunslinger is going to make history by handing the Ravens their first 0-3 start in the history of Harbaugh, right?

Pick: Bengals (+2.5)

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (-3.5)

Things The Informer would rather do than have to watch this game: Excersice; eat right; stop drinking Natties; check my cholesterol; shave my you know what parts with a Rambo knife; give up Blimpies; smoke crack with Lawrence Taylor (allegedly); trade places with Andy Dufrane during that time when "The Sisters" took a liking to him; break into Edward Norton's house in the middle of the night; cross the streams; have unprotected carnal relations with Jenny Gump; take a right hook from Mike Tyson; stab my eye out with a soldering iron; drink milk from a saucer; watch every episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians; and finally, bet against 5X NFL MVP Peyton Manning in Prime-time.

In other words, this game sucks donkey balls.

Pick: Raiders (+3.5)

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-6.5)

The Informer has no idea which 49ers team is going to show up. Is it the team that played flawless "run and play defense first" football in Week 1? Or will it be the dumpster fire that got boat-raced out of Pittsburgh in Week 2?

Since we can't predict which 49ers team we are getting, The Informer has to go with the surest team in the NFL. Also, there is the whole never, even if there is a fire, bet against Bruce Arians thing.

Pick: Cardinals (-6.5)

(The Informer after the pick stat – Last week, after his first career three TD game, Larry Fitzgerald became just the 10th receiver to join the 12,000 yard 90 TD club. The "Original Predator" is now forever linked with; Randy Moss, Jerry Rice, Chris Carter, Terrell Owens, Marvin Harrison, Tim Brown, Issac Bruce, Tony Gonzalez and the great Steve Largent.)

INDANAPOLIS COLTS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (+3)

The Informer: "Hey Andrew Luck, will you please eat a Snickers?"

Andrew Luck: "Why?"

The Informer: "Because you play like a drunk Jay Cutler when you are hungry."

Seriously, Andrew Luck has been "Jay Cutler" awful through two games this season. Don’t worry though, that trend is not going to continue. It was just a byproduct of the greatest young QB in NFL history getting to know his new teammates (Frank Gore & Andre Johnson), some horrible "Pep Hamilton System" play calling (Stop trying to be a run first pound the ball offense . . . For the love of Tebow you have freaking Andrew Luck as your quarterback . . . F***ING USE HIM!!!) and of course the fact the Colts have played two of the 10 best defenses in the NFL.

Going 0-2 under those conditions could happen to anyone. That all stops this week though as Luck rights the ship and starts the march to his fourth straight 11 win season.

Pick: Colts (-3)

CHICAGO BEARS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-14.5)

What a dilemma. Should The Informer follow the "two touchdown underdog rule" or the "always bet against Jimmy Clausen on the road against a desperate 0-2 Seattle team during the same week that Cam Chancellor returns to the lineup no matter how big the spread is rule"?

This really is a hard one.

"Hey Informer, did you hear that unnamed sources have confirmed that HGH sales (allegedly) have reached an all-time high in the Seattle area this past week?"

No figment of The Informer’s imagination, I had not heard that obviously concrete fact (allegedly) about the Seattle area. Talk about a game changer. Now, are we sure it was HGH and not just over the counter non performance enhancing Adderall so Seattle could study better?

Either way, if Seattle is going to be laser-focused in their home opener than there really is only one way to bet this game.

Pick: Seattle (-14.5)

BUFFALO BILLS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-3)

Ace Ventura, would you like to say a few words about this game?



Well said Ace.

As for the pick, The Informer is backing the home team while preparing for a push (this is going to be a last second field goal game).

Pick: Dolphins (-3)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-13.5)

The NFL gambling rules clearly state whenever a team is getting two touchdowns, you bet the dog. You don’t ask questions, you just do it. And since The Informer already ignored this rule once, there is no choice but to back the Jags on the road against Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski.

"Holy f***ing s**t Informer . . . Will you please re-read that last sentence. You just said to bet Blake Bortles on the road against Tom Brady during Tom Brady's 'I am pissed at the NFL and going to win the 2015 NFL MVP Award in spite season.' Seriously, picking the Jags this week maybe the dumbest most idiotic thing you have ever done. Take it back right now before I have to threaten your life you fat-fat moron."

Listen, for the bottom of The Informer's black liver "I apologize" and take it all back. The Informer had one too many Bortles & James wine coolers and one thing led to another. I know that things were said and for that "I am sorry." It was wrong and it will never happen again. The Informer promises. And so we are all clear, there is no way in the bluest of blue hells The Informer is going to bet against Tom Brady this weekend. The above sentence was one drunken mistake. Nothing more.

Pick: Patriots (-13.5)

DENVER BRONCOS @ DETROIT LIONS (+3)

Everyone say it with me . . .

5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME !!!

Somebody please get Simba on the phone, because The Informer just found his Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Donkeys (-3)

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-6.5)

Everyone say it with me . . .

2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME!!!

Pick: Packers (-6.5)

Have a great Week 3 everyone. May it be filled with Blimpies, Natty Lights and enough winning parlays to buy dem apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fur.



#NFLPicks #FloRida #WinnerWinnerBlimpiesDinner