The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 9

Here are The Informer's Week 9 NFL picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and no regard for human life. 

BUFFALO BILLS @ NEW YORK JETS (+3)

Honestly, with how terrible I am picking Thursday Night Football (2-7 on the year), I have absolutely no idea why I keep doing this to myself. But in the spirit of full disclosure; here is The Informer's proof of loss Thursday Night Football tweet:

I’m taking Bills (-3) on #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) November 2, 2017

Pick: Bills (-3)

DENVER BRONCOS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-8.5)

I have never claimed to be a smart man, but even I know that you would have to be an absolute drunken moron to bet Brock Osweiler on the road verses a team that is 6-2 against the spread in 2017?

Pick: Donkeys (+8.5)

LOS ANGELES RAMS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (+4.5)

Q: Hey Informer since no one gives two sh*ts about this Rams-Giants game: Can you use this section to tell us who you think is going to win the NFL MVP, Rookie of the Year and the Super Bowl?

I mean, I am sure there is someone out there --  maybe Jared Goff's mother, or Eli Manning's brother -- who is excited to watch the Rams-Giants play football on Sunday. But since you asked so nicely for me to skip this game, I really have no choice but to oblige. 

• I have Tom Brady winning the MVP because of the fact that he is going to throw for 5,000 yards while winning 12-13 games for the number one seeded team in the AFC. 
• I have Leonard Fournette winning the Rookie of the Year because Fournette is going to lead the Jaguars to the playoffs and the NFL rules clearly state: "If you are the reason the Jacksonville Jaguars make the playoffs you must be given the ROY award." 
• And finally, I have New England over Seattle in the Super Bowl. 

Pick: Giants (+4.5)

CINCINNATI BENGALS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (-6)

I swear to Tim Tebow, this is a an actual screen-shotted conversation that my wife and daughter had heading to school on Thursday:

Just saying; if my daughter having nightmare's about AJ Green getting fired from the Bengal Tigers is not some kind of omen to make Cincinnati this week’s Lion King Lock of the Week --than I don’t know what in the hell an omen is.

Pick: LKLOTW Bengals (+6)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3)

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-7)

I am taking Tampa Bay (+7) and Carolina (-3) because I got drunk editing this article and had a "feeling" both of these teams were going to cover on Sunday. To answer the next question: Yes, getting drunk off of Natty Lights and picking a team because "I got a feeling" is how I make 98% of my NFL picks.

#TheMoreYouKnow

Pick: Tampa Bay (+7) Panthers (-3)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-13)

Because of the DeShaun Watson injury my bookie does not have an up to date line for this game; therefore I am using the line that was set in my Las Vegas Super Picks contest before Watson was hurt. And, well, since this is the line I have no choice but to follow the “always take the points when Tom “I am not related to Fred” Savage is a double-digit favorite.

Pick: Colts (+13)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-3.5)

If anyone has information as to why Mike Mularkey hates Derrick Henry will you please share it with me? Because I for the life of me can't figure out why the dude refuses to give a 6'3 250lb Mack truck -- that runs a 4.5 40 yard dash -- the football. It does not make any sense whatsoever. Seriously Mike, this is not rocket Scientology, just just give the "*******" ball to Derrick Henry.

Pick: Titans (-3.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+3)

Ladies and gentlemen per "Informer" tradition, we are going to skip talking about this dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is passing off as a football game, and use this section to hand out the Week 9 Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

#ClassicBrowns #AfroMan4Life #MustHaveHiredTheDolphinsAssitantCoach.

Pick: Cardinals (-3)

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-7)

I have no real reason as to why I am sharing these(other than to fill space), but here are nine of my favorite stats heading into Week 9 of the 2017 NFL Season.

1. Adrian Peterson only needs one rushing touchdown this week to become the ninth player in NFL history to reach 100 career rushing touchdowns. The bad news for Adrian? He is playing the San Francisco 49ers; a team he has zero career touchdowns against (in four games), and the team that once held him to a career low three yards rushing during AP's 2007 rookie season.
2. Sticking with Peterson; AP needs 91-yards rushing to move passed Thurman Thomas for the 15th most rushing yards all-time.
3. Larry Fitzgerald needs 42 yards receiving to pass Tim Brown for sixth all-time in NFL history.
4. Matt Ryan needs one TD pass on Sunday to become the 21st player in NFL history to throw at least 250 career TD passes. He also needs three TD passes to move past Drew Bledsoe on the all-time career list. Furthermore -- the 2016 NFL MVP -- needs 17 more TD passes to leapfrog Bledsoe, Dan Fouts, Sonny Jurgensen, Dave Krieg, Joe Montana and Vinny Testaverde and into the Top 15 career TD passes.  
5. The New England Patriots are 43-7 in games Rob Gronkowski scores a touchdown. They are 14-1 all-time when the "Big Gronkbowski" catches multiple TD passes.
6. Russell Wilson has 20,201 career passing yards and 142 touchdown passes. Andrew Luck has 19, 078 career passing yards and 132 TD passes.
7. The five worst teams against the spread in 2017 are: Arizona (1-6), Tampa Bay (1-5-1), Cleveland (2-6), Washington (2-5) and the defending NFC Champion Atlanta Falcons (2-5).
8. The Five best teams against the spread in 2017 are: Kansas City Chiefs (6-2), New York Jets (6-2-1), Philadelphia Eagles (6-2) Houston Texans (5-2) and the New Orleans Saints (5-2).
9. Jay Cutler needs to throw four interceptions on Sunday night to surpass Tom Brady for the 56th most interceptions in NFL history. 

#YouCanDoItJay.

Pick: HGHawks (-7)

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-3)

As mentioned above, the Kansas City Chiefs are 6-2 against the spread and easily one of the four best teams in the NFL. In other words: Why in the hell is Vegas giving this team points?

Pick: Chiefs (+3)

(The Informer after the pick thought - I know we already shared the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week, but I found this meme late on Saturday night and I couldn't stop laughing. So with that in mind, here is the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week Part Deux:

#CryingHardLaughingFaceEmoji.)

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-3.5)

I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . . I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . . I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .  I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime!!!

It doesn’t really have the same ring as the “I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime”, but why the hell not? Give me the drunk one and the points on Sunday Night Football. 

Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)

DETROIT LIONS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (+2)

NFL gambling rules clearly say to beware of the home underdogs in Primetime when you have two mediocre teams playing. 

Pick: Packers (+2)

The Informer's Halloween Mailbag and Week 8 NFL Picks

As always, please keep in mind that almost all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q: Informer, why do you suck so bad at picking Thursday Night football games?

If you consider going 1-7 through eight weeks of NFL Thursday Night Football sucking, then I guess my answer would have to be that I am an alcoholic.

Q: Seriously though, now that your picks suck, and you have never been funny, what does anyone get out of reading this worthless blog. I mean other than the numerous pointers on how not to be an overweight fat loser in life?

I assume this is pretty obvious to anyone reading, but I am immediately regretting the decision to make this a mailbag article. 

#WordsHurtYouKnow?

Q: Hey Mis-Informer, the only thing you suck at more than making NFL picks is writing your blog. When are you going to stop embarrassing yourself and delete this account?

I don’t want to get into the specifics, but let’s just say I agree "The Informer" sucks and that the end of this blog needs to happen sooner rather than later.

Q: Wait, what are you talking about Informer? We joke and give you a little crap for having a few bad weeks and all of the sudden you are going to bail out and quit? What the hell is wrong with you man? Just because your picks -- and this blog -- suck more than a crackhead who is out of crack, doesn’t mean you give up. Honestly Informer, I think you need to try and remember the words of  the great Vin Diesel. Then maybe you will come to your senses and realize it is not time to give up on your dreams.

What does living my life a quarter of a mile at a time have to do with making NFL picks?

Q: No Informer, not those words. The other ones that go a little like this: “Ask any bettor, any real bettor, they will tell you it doesn’t matter if you win 10 bucks, or a 100 bucks; winning is winning." And by my account Informer, your current 2017 NFL picks record is 54-50-3 against the spread. In other words . . . You are a winning Informer. Now you just need to start acting like it. 

When you put it that way -- and if we completely ignore the "vig" -- I guess I have no other choice than to crack open the Natties and do what I do best --Inform the people. 

Let's do this.

Q: Informer, who is going to win the 2017 NFL Rookie of the Year?

If the season ended today, Kareem Hunt would win hands down. But with half a season still left to play, I am predicting informing all of you that the ROY is going to end up coming down to DeShaun Watson vs Leonard Fournette. 

Q: Sooo . . . Who are you picking to win? Watson or Fournette?

I am going with Fournette. If he leads the Jags to the Playoffs despite not having a QB on his roster he has to be named the 2017 NFL ROY.  

Q: Who is going to be the 2017 NFL MVP?

Tom Brady is on pace to pass for over 5,000 yards and 30+ TD passes. Just saying, if Tom Brady keeps Tom Bradying (which history says he will) then he is going to run away with the 2017 NFL MVP Award.

Q: Is Ndamukong Suh a dirty player?

Let me ask you this: Is The Informer hammered wasted on Natty lights right now?

Q: We live in a hot take society Informer, so with that in mind what is your hottest of hot takes this Halloween weekend?

How about the fact that Halloween is the biggest f****ing rip off in the history of mankind. Seriously, it cost me over 150 dollars to buy four kids costumes this past week. 

FOUR KIDS COSTUMES!!? 

It is outrageous. 

But you know what is even worse than spending that amount of money on four costumes my kids will wear one time in their life? The fact that my wife wanted me to spend another $40 for a monkey hat so we could pretend my 2-year old son was Curious George

Read that last sentence again. 40 freaking dollars on a Curious George monkey hat. Why are we doing this to ourselves? And how can we put an end to it? 

Honestly, I believe that spending $40 on a hat your kids will wear one time (and you know he isn't even going to wear it he will rip it off the minute you put it on his head) has to be the most asinine thing in the history of the world. 

Q: Hey Informer, how much money did you spend on football cards this weekend?

Why would you ask me that?

Q: Well, you just said spending $40 on your kids to have fun trick or treating was the most asinine thing in the history of the world. So I was just curious, how much you – a grown ass man – spent on football cards this week?

Ummm . . . That is neither hear nor there.

Q: Answer the question Informer . . . How much money did you spend on football cards this week?

I spent $92. But in my defense, $8.75 of that was for shipping and handling.

Q: Informer, are you sure you want to stick with the whole "spending $40 on Halloween costumes is the most asinine thing in the world" argument?

Fine, other than a middle aged man buying football cards, spending $40 on a Curious George hat for a 2-year old is the most asinine thing in the world.

Q: What is the best candy you can get on Halloween? Also, just so we are on the same page, if you say candy corn I am going to stab you in the throat with a soldering iron.

Candy Corn? Really? Are there people out there that think Candy Corn is the greatest Halloween candy in the world? I mean hell, it is not even the best corn (on the Cobb obviously) in the world. You know what? I take everything I said about costumes back. Saying "candy corn is the greatest Halloween candy" is now officially the most asinine thing in the history of the world. 

As far as my opinion goes; the best Halloween candy is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, followed by  Milky Way and then Twix.  

Q: What is your favorite scary movie Informer?

You mean other than the Miami Dolphins 2017 offensive highlight tape? Get it? Cause the Dolphins offense is frighteningly bad? You guys get it. 

Anyways, all jokes aside, my Top 5 favorite scary movies in order are:

1. Scream
2. Jason vs Freddy
3. Urban Legends
4. I Know What You Did Last Summer
5. Halloween

Q: Informer those aren’t scary movies. Those are slasher films. There is a difference. I am talking movies like Poltergeist, The Exorcist, The Sixth Sense, etc. You know movies that haunt your dreams.

In that case; I would like to point out that I no longer watch movies like that because I am a scared coward who does not like to have my dreams haunted. With that said; the five movies that I watched growing up that left me scarred for life and scared to sleep to this day are:

1. Poltergeist
2. A Nightmare on Elm Street (FYI – I have been told by multiple sources that this is not a good movie to watch the first time you experiment with the Hippie Lettuce)
3. The Others
4. The Sixth Sense
5. Paranormal Activity

(Informer Note - I did not add the links for these movies, because I was to scared to preview the links for these movies.)

Q: Who is the GOAT? Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees?

According to the internet, Jason has 146 murders compared to Michael Myers 94. So I guess, if we are going by stats alone, the answer has to be Jason.

Q: Informer if you were a poor college student what would you be for Halloween?

For the guys: I recommend dressing up as a Catholic Priest. All you need are black slacks, a black dress shirt, some toilet paper (for the collar) and a rosary to wear around your neck (cost about 2 bucks). 

Now, if you can get past the part where you are probably going straight to heck for dressing up as a Priest to try and pick up chicks, you will come to find out that the ladies will be stopping by all night to tell you their deepest darkest sins in the hopes of corrupting your innocent Priestly soul. 

In the words of the bus driver from Billy Madison: "I know from experience."

For the ladies: Get a green t-shirt, some pony tail holders and grow out your uni-brow. Because in Halloween 2017 there is nothing hotter than Margaret McPoyle from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia. 

Q: Are you going to dress up as a Priest for Halloween Informer?

Me, no. I am married with tons of kids. The Priest thing does not work for me the way it once did. I'll probably do the same thing I did last year where I loose 20 pounds and dress up as former WWE Champion Yokozuna.

Q: Since you brought up being fat: Which one are you picking Blimpies or Jersey Mike’s?

Blimpies every day of the week and twice on double-punch Tuesdays. Come on guy, if you are going to talk about food you gotta at least make the questions hard.

Q; Okay fat man, since that was so easy for you, how about this one: If you had to get rid of one form of potatoes for the rest of your life which one would you get rid of: Mashed, Baked or French Fried?

I would get rid of the mashed potatoes. Mostly because French Fries are life, and if push came to shove, I could scoop out the inner baked potato and mash it up to make mashed baked potatoes.

Q: Should the Colts trade Andrew Luck?

And it looks like we finally have a winner for this week’s "dumbest question ever" contest. 

Seriously though: Why in the bluest of blue hells should the Colts trade their best player and franchise quarterback? I mean, in what world does this make any sense? I swear, as much as I love the internet, sometimes the 24-7-ness of the whole operation leads to some idiotic takes. 

Q: How does Julio Jones only have one TD catch on the season?

Let me be very clear here: If you are an NFL offensive coordinator for a team that has Julio Jones playing for it -- and said Julio Jones only has one TD catch heading into Week 8 of the season --then you should lose your job immediately for being a complete and utter moron. 

Q: Hey Informer there is a London game this week, is there anything you want to say about it?

Sure. I think A person would have to be completely Snookered to Chin Wag about the Crusty Dragon Browns Seeing a Man About a Dog against the Dog’s Bollocks Vikings on Sunday. So, instead of going the Full Monty and Losing My Plot thinking about how Pavement Pizza worthy this Bin fire of Rubbish match is going to be, I think I will just go On the Piss while handing out the Blimpies Best meme of the week before asking my Up for It wife is she wants to play a game of Slap and Tickle with the Strawberry Creams.

 (The “windows to the wall” part cracks me up every time. Pip-Pip. Bob’s Your’s Uncle.)

Q: Informer, what are the five most "must need to know stats" heading into Week 8?

1. DeShaun Watson needs 3 TD passes to tie Kurt Warner (18 TDs) for most TD passes in a players first seven starts.
2. Last week rookie sensation Kareem Hunt (1,002 total yards) joined Eric Dickerson (1,045 total yards in 1983) as the only players in NFL history to gain at least 1,000 total yards from scrimmage in their first seven games. For those wondering, Dickerson gained 190 total yards in his eighth NFL game. 
3. On 10-29-2012, the great Randy Moss caught and ran 47-yards for the last Monday Night Football touchdown of his career.
4. Antonio brown is on pace for 1,748 yards receiving. If he does this, he will become the first player in NFL history to have two seasons with at least 1,700 yards receiving. He will also become the only player in NFL history with three seasons of at least 1,600 yards receiving.
5. As stated above, Tom Brady is on pace to throw for over 5,000 yards this season. If the GOAT accomplishes this feat, he will join Drew Brees as the only quarterbacks in NFL history to have multiple seasons with at least 5,000 yards (Brees has done it five times in his career).

Q: Informer this mailbag is about 2,000 words to long. Please tell me you are going to end it right now with your Week 8 NFL Picks?

I sure am. As always, please remember to gamble with reckless abandon and no regard for human life.

PICKS:

Dolphins (+3) Loss

Vikings (-9.5)

Saints (-9.5)

Jets (+6.5)

Panthers (+2)

Eagles (-12.5)

Raiders (+2.5)

Colts (+10.5)

Patriots (-7)

HGHawks (-5.5)

Cowboys (-1.5)

Steelers (-3)

Broncos (+7.5)

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 7

Here are The Informer's Week 7 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandoned and no regard for human life. 

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (+3)

This is my "proof that Vegas and the NFL are conspiring together to ruin my 2017 NFL picks record by letting the Raiders have 47 extra attempts to score the game winning touchdown on Thursday Night Football" tweet:

I’m taking Chiefs -3 #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 19, 2017

#VegasIsMean

Pick: Chiefs (-3)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+5.5)

Q: Informer I know you are looking at the Browns only being a five point underdog and getting more aroused than Jim during that scene in American Pie where Nadia takes off her clothes. But for Tebow-sake man, I am begging you, do not make the Tennessee Titans your Lion King Lock of the Week. Us Titan’s fans can’t afford you putting "The Informer jinx" on our quarterback the same way you did to Aaron Rodgers last week. So please Informer, for one time in your worthless drunken life, do the right thing and leave Marcus Mariota's name out of your mouth.

I am not going to lie; you had me on your side right up until the point where you said I was living a "worthless drunken life". Just saying; in the future when you are begging an internet writer to not jinx your team, maybe you should be a little more flattering than calling said writer a "worthless drunk". 

Anyways, which means please don't interrupt while I am getting hammered drunk and writing internet blogs, the moral of the story is I am most definitely making the Tennessee Titans my Week 7 Lion King Lock of the Week. 

May Tebow have mercy on Marcus Mariota's soul. 

Pick: LKLOTW Titans (-5.5)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+3.5)

This one is pretty simple. The gambling rule book clearly states that a person must never, not even if there is a fire, bet Blake Borltes as a road favorite.

Pick: Colts (+3.5)

CINCINNATI BENGALS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-5.5)

I am picking the Steelers because I want to jinx them in the hopes of securing a victory for the great AJ Green.

Pick: Steelers (-5.5)

SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (+4)

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for The Informer's three favorite jokes of the week.  

Q: How does Tim Tebow like his eggs in the morning?

A: Unfertilized.

Q: Did you hear about the Tony the Tiger murder?
A: Police are calling it a cereal killer.

Q: What do you do if you see a Seattle Seahawks player rolling on the ground crying in pain?
A: You reload and shoot him . . . Up with more HGH!!! 

via GIPHY
Pick: HGHawks (-4.5)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-5)

Things I would rather do than watch Case Keenum and Joe Flacco play football against each other: Bet Blake Bortles as a road favorite. Take Cialis while also taking Nitrates for heart disease. Make a "they are having a worse week than Harvey Weinstein" joke. Stay sober for October. Play Edward Norton's part in a live reenactment of the "Jack's smirking revenge" scene from the movie Fight Club. Go to the pumpkin patch with my wife and kids. One of Charlie Sheen's prostitutes. Stop using the word "hella" to describe how awesome things are. Hit up the clubs with Ray Lewis (Too soon?). Leave my cocaine unsupervised in a Miami Dolphins coaches meeting. And finally, I would rather bet the Minnesota Vikings to win a Super Bowl. 

Pick: Ravens (+5)

NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-3.5)

I would have to be "Drunk Jay Cutler" wasted to even try and have an opinion on this absolute dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is trying to pass of as a football game. And, well, since it is not humanly possible for a single man to ever be that wasted; I figured this would be the perfect place to hand out this week's Blimpies Best meme of the Week:

#CocaineIsAHellOfADrug

Pick: Jets (+3.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-3)

Q: Is Larry Fitzgerald the second greatest WR of all-time?

I am only going to say this one time so make sure you are listening: Larry Fitzgerald is not even on the same planet as Randy Moss when it comes to the second best wide receiver ever conversation. And if anyone you know tries to make this asinine argument, I give you permission to throat punch that motherless mother f****r square in the nuts so that they know never to disrespect the great Randy Moss again. 

#Dont@MeCardinalFans

Pick: Cards (+3)

TAMPA BAY @ BUFFALO BILLS (-3)

Sooo . . . I wrote this exact sentence word for word 10-years ago during Week 7 of the 2008 NFL Season and I am sharing it with you the readers today because the rule still applies:

"Anytime a good solid team is playing a team with a starting QB named Fitzpatrick, The Informer is taking the solid team."

Pick: Bills (-3)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+5)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3.5)
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (+4)

And it appears we have reached the portion of the article where I start betting favorites because they are giving less than a touchdown against quarterbacks named Trabanski, C.J. Parker and Bert.

Pick: Bills (-3) Panthers (-3.5) Cowboys (-5) Saints (-4)

DENVER BRONCOS @ LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (+1.5)

Chargers at home as a road underdog? Sounds good to me.

Pick: Chargers (+1.5)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-3.5)

I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS I WILL NOT BET AGAINST TOM BRADY AT HOME IN PRIMETIME!!!

Pick: Patriots (-3.5)

WASHINGTON @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-4.5)

With the Kansas City Chiefs loss on Thursday Night football, the Philadelphia Eagles officially became the best team in the NFL. Which of course means they are going to lose at home on Monday Night Football against the Washington Redskins for no other reason than that is how the NFL works in 2017. 

Pick: Washington (+4.5)