FYI - - This week I decided we would start the blog by answering some mailbag questions about the first three weeks of the 2018 NFL Season and then get to The Informer's Week 4 NFL Picks.
So with that in mind here is the mailbag. As always, please remember that all of the questions being answered came from actual made up readers.
Q: Mr. Informer who is the best team in the NFL through three weeks? What about the worst?
Well, by my calculations the Cleveland Browns, Kansas City Chiefs and the Miami Dolphins are the three best teams. As for the worst; I have the Houston Texans, the 49ers and the Denver Donkey's.
Q: The Cleveland Browns are your best team? Are you drunk or really drunk Informer? Seriously get the flying heck outta here with that steaming pile of a dumpster fire fake-take.
Am I drunk? Of course. But I am also being serious. You see the Browns, Chiefs and Dolphins are the only teams in the NFL who are 3-0 against the spread. While the Texans, 49ers and Broncos are the only three teams in the NFL who have yet to cover a spread. So yea . . . You may think I am a drunken fake-taking idiot, but the reality is that when it comes to gambling the Browns are one of the three best 2018 NFL teams.
Q: Oh that is right, I forgot you are a degenerate gambler. My apologies. I should have known better then to expect you to give a straight answer about who the best team is. But I guess, by your gambling logic, the Browns are "technically" the best team in the NFL this season.
First of all, there is no technically about it. There is just factually. The Browns are the best team in the NFL. Period. Point blank. Jumangi. End of story.
Second of all; this is a blog entitled "The Informer's NFL Picks" so of course my answers are going to be gambling related. That is why the one person reading right now clicked on this NSFW link. For gambling advice, gambling information and gambling picks. They definitely didn't click on the link expecting to get a coherent well written piece of journalism.
That would be asinine.
Q: Hey Informer what is your favorite TV show on today and could you explain why? Is it story arch? The characters? The writing slash-story telling?
For "f-word" sakes, did you not just read my last answer? People are not coming to this blog to find out how excited I am for the upcoming seasons of South Park, Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Blue Bloods, Chicago PD, MacGyver or The Goldbergs. And they sure as "f-word" are not reading to find out my takes on cinematography, camera angles, story arch or anything else that has to do with the making of T.V. shows.
No the person (thanks again) who clicked on this link is reading to find out things like Tom Brady is 1-2 against the spread this season; home underdogs are 9-3 ATS; the 1st half under in Primetime is 7-4 heading into Sunday Night's Ravens-Steelers game (0-1 on the week); and that it has finished with a winning record each of the first three weeks (3-1, 2-1 & 2-1).
Q: Informer does fantasy football count as gambling? I say, since you can win money doing it, that it counts as gambling. So with that in mind, and sticking to your "its a gambling blog" mantra: What is the best fantasy football advice you handed out this season?
Fantasy football is 100% gambling. So thank you for following the rules and asking a "gambling question". As for the answer, I did stand on my high horse in mid August and say that LeVeon Bell was a complete stay away this season.
#ThatsWhyTheCallMeTheInformer!!!
Q: What about the worst advice?
It pains me to say this (give me a second I am going to chug a Natty for my sorrows) . . . But Derrick Henry is not going to be a Top 5 fantasy football back in 2018 and I am going to lose 12 of my leagues because of that. I don't have no other way to say it other then "I -- The Informer -- was wrong."
#ThatsWhyTheyCallMeTheMisInformer!!!
Q: Hey Informer your twitter feed sucks. Like really bad. Seriously, when the hell are you going to stop doing "Twitter Poll Tournaments" and just delete your account?
What you just said literally has nothing to do with gambling, and is not really even a question, but I'll answer it anyways: In the immortal words of Nick Saban, "I'm not going to, so quit asking."
Q: Who are the best bets to be in the NFL Final Four?
NFC: Rams & Eagles
AFC: Patriots & Chiefs
Q: Who is going to win the Rookie of the Year?
If I had to bet after three weeks my top five favorites would be (in order and offense only): Barkley, Baker, Ridley, Josh "Torpedo Canon" Allen & that Lindsay dude from the Donkeys.
Q: What about the MVP?
My top five MVP bets would be (in order): Mahomes, Goff, Rodgers, Brees & Brady.
Remember, I am not saying "who was the MVP through three weeks." I am saying "if I was going to make a wager on who will eventually win the 2018 NFL MVP" this would be my order.
So in this case I took Mahomes and Goff because they have been awesome through three weeks, but I am also sticking with Rodgers and Brady because once they right the ship they will be in the conversation. And of course, if Brees throws for 5,000 yards and leads the Saints to a top seed in the NFC, the voters may finally have to throw him an MVP bone.
Q: Hey Informer if you had to bet would you take flat or round?
Is this a flat Earth gambling question?
I am not going to lie . . . I don't know if this means the blog has reached a new high, or a new low? Either way, it is obviously time to move onto The Informer's Week 4 NFL Picks.
(Informer pre-picks disclaimer: These picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The N.F. Informer is strictly prohibited.)
Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots (-6.5)
The New England Patriots are my Lion King Lock of the Week. In the words of Forrest Gump: "That is all I gotta say about that."
Pick: Pats (-6.5)
Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts (PK)
Whenever you have two crappy teams playing against each other you always take the points, the better quarterback or the home team. In this case taking the points (aka picking a team to win) means you take the home team with the better quarterback.
Pick: Colts (PK)
Cincinnati Bengals @ Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)
Buffalo Bills @ Green Bay Packers (-9.5)
I want the Bills and Bengals to win on Sunday. Therefore I am betting the Packers and Falcons. There is no reasoning other than I am trying a reverse jinx (for the teams I want to win) while also hoping to win money betting on the two teams that I think are going to cover.
Pick: Packers (-9.5) Falcons (-3.5)
Detroit Lions @ Dallas Cowboys (-2.5)
Literally the dumbest thing a NFL gambler can do is take any road team coming off of a monumentous Sunday Night Football upset win over Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. That team is 100% due for the biggest letdown in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!
In other news, I am grabbing the points and taking the Detroit Lions on the road one week after they just completed a Monumentous upset of Tom Brady and the New England Patriots on Sunday Night football.
What could go wrong?
Pick: Lions (+2.5)
Cleveland Browns @ Oakland Raiders (-2.5)
The Browns are undefeated against the spread, they have Baker freaking Mayfield playing quarterback and dating back to 2008 John Gruden has now lost seven straight NFL games that he coached.
Give me the points and give me the Browns.
Pick: Browns (+2.5)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Chicago Bears (-3)
Not to beat a dead coach into the ground, but that literally means since the last time Jon Gruden won a game as an NFL head coach The Informer has drank roughly 41,600 Natty Lights (about 80 a week).
#That has to be some kind of record . . . The losses over a 10 year span, not the Natties. #We all know Boggs put that record out of reach for any normal human.
Pick: Da Bears (-3)
New York Jets @ Jacksonville Jags (-7.5)
I have zero intent on discussing this open stab wound of a football game, so instead here are this week's Blimpie Best memes of the Week:
Not gonna lie I chuckled a little #ClassicFlagsOnClay . . .
Gump makes me laugh, but this next one was my favorite . . .
Pick: Jags (-7.5)
Philadelphia Eagles @ Tennessee Titans (+3)
Smart money says I am supposed to take the home underdog, but The Informer's money is going to be taking the "I now have one game under my belt and its time to return to MVP form" Carson Wentz only giving three points to a Titans team that literally does not have a healthy quarterback on their roster.
Pick: Eagles (-3)
Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals (+3)
Somehow despite not being a good NFL team, the Seattle HGHawks are about to be 2-2 after four weeks and officially "lingering" as a team to be messed with later in the season.
And, well, I think the Cardinals suck.
Pick: HGHawks (-3)
San Francisco 49ers @ San Diego Chargers (-10)
Sooooo . . . The 49ers season is completely over and I -- like everyone else in Murica -- am taking the Chargers in both of my "pick a winner" NFL polls on Sunday. Which of course means the 49ers are probably going to win the game outright, or at the very least, magically cover the double digit spread while making me sweat out Natty Lights like a drunken Informer in Church.
Pick: 49ers (+10)
New Orleans Saints @ New York Giants (+3)
The last two times these teams played the Giants won by three at home and lost by three on the road. Which leads me to believe that this game will finish with a three point differential. That means the best bet on Sunday is to grab the points and hope the Giants offense shows up for the second straight week.
(The Informer note - The Saints are also on their second straight road game and coming off of a huge division win, which in the NFL is code for "due for a letdown".)
Pick: Giants (+3)
Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-3)
I have no actual evidence to back this statement up, but I am pretty sure that every single Ravens-Steelers game in the history of this flat Earth has been decided by three points or fewer. So, since The Informer's made up scientific history says this will be a three point game, I will be betting the Steelers (because I think they will win) and grabbing myself a kissing you're cousin push on Sunday Night Football.
Pick: Steelers (-3)
Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Donkeys (+4)
I will not bet against the phenomenal
Do we all understand what The Informer is trying to say?
Pick: Chiefs (-4)
THE INFORMER AFTER THE BLOG NOTE: Here is my proof of Thursday Night Football pick:
Give me Rams -7 and 1st half under 24.5 #TNF
— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 27, 2018
