The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 5

Here are The Informer's Week 5 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The N.F. Informer is strictly prohibited.

Indianapolis Colts @ New England Patriots (-10.5)

I know it is a few days late, but here are five Thursday Night NFL Football gambling rules that should have been followed this week:

1. Always bet Tom Brady in Primetime. 
2. Always bet the home team on Thursday Night Football; especially when the road team is coming off a Sunday overtime loss where their team got totally decimated by injuries. 
3. Always, no matter what the spread is, bet a Bill Belichick team against any team that accuses a Bill Belichick team of cheating, or deflating footballs. 
4. Offensive coordinators for the Patriots who turn down jobs with the Colts tend to try and run up the score. 
5. ALWAYS BET THE PATRIOTS ON THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL AGAINST THE COLTS!!!

I mean you literally would have had to be the biggest, fattest, most moronic, idiot in the history of this flat Earth to actually bet the Colts on Thursday night. 

Give me Colts +10.5 and under 24.5 in the first half...#TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 4, 2018

Pick: Colts (+10.5)


Baltimore Ravens @ Cleveland Browns (+3.5)

As a concerned gambler, I could not in good conscience sit idly by and let the NFL/Vegas get away with robbing the Cleveland Browns of their hard fought win/cover against the Oakland Raiders last week. So, that is why I decided to write a very stern letter to the NFL/Vegas, letting them know exactly what I thought about them treating me --  and every Browns' bettor/fan around the world -- like "The Sisters" treated Andy Dufrense during the worst year of his life at Shawshank Prison.

Here is that letter:

Dear NFL/Vegas, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes!

Love,

Alfalfa The Informer.

Pick: Browns (+3.5)

(The Informer note - Seriously though, the NFL should be ashamed of themselves for overturning that first down. What a gosh damn joke. You suck you cheating NFL.)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Kansas City Chiefs (-3)

The Chiefs are the best team in football not named the Los Angeles Rams. They have best quarterback not named Tim Tebow to ever walk the face of the Earth. And they are only giving three points at home to Blake Bortles? Am I missing something here?

Pick: Chiefs (-3)


Tennessee Titans @ Buffalo Bills (+5.5)

I know the Titans are coming off of a huge win against the Super Bowl champions, and that I am supposed to be scared of home dogs, but I physically can't bring myself to bet on the Buffalo Bills anymore this season unless they are getting 14 or more points (they are 1-0 against the spread when getting at least 14 points).

Pick: Titans (-5.5)


New York Giants @ Carolina Panthers (-6.5)

Here is my expert opinion on this game: The Giants suck.

Pick: Panthers (-6.5)


Denver Broncos @ New York Jets (-1)

Yikes . . . Let's go ahead and file this contest under the "I would not watch this dumpster fire of an abomination with your eyes" section. Which of course means it is time to completely ignore this atrocity the NFL is trying to pass of as a football game, and instead hand out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:

I know that I am going straight to H.E.C.K for laughing, but damn that one made me chuckle.

Pick: Broncos (+1)


Atlanta Falcons @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-3.5)

Do you all think Ashton Kutcher is punking us with this whole "Julio Jones can't catch a touchdown" thing? I mean seriously, how the f*** is this even possible? We have one of the greatest wide receivers in the history of the NFL -- and a guy who is on pace to become the first ever wide receiver with 2,000 yards in a single season - - and yet he hasn't caught a touchdown pass in his last nine games?

I just don't understand how this is possible.

Anyways, I am grabbing the hook this week (aka the extra half point) while expecting both teams to put up 60 points. Oh and I will also be betting Julio Jones over .5 touchdowns #ThisIsTheWeek

Pick: Falcons (+3.5)


Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions (-1)

To all of you experts betting the Lions against Aaron Rodgers this week . . . I salute you. You keep dreaming those dreams and wishes those wishes, while I keep cashing my checks at the bookies office.

Pick: Packers (+1)


Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals (-6)

You know what I felt last week watching A.J. "The Sickness" Green catch the game winning touchdown while at the same time costing me a Super Picks contest and illegal gambling wager win?

Absolute pride.

Why pride you ask?

Because last week I set out to jinx the Falcons (so the Bengals would win) by betting them every which way I could and it absolutely worked. So naturally, since my gambling jinx worked to perfection last week, I am going to run the jinx angle back again this week by making the Dolphins my Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Dolphins (+6)


Oakland Raiders @ San Diego Chargers (+5.5)

The San Diego Chargers couldn't cover 71% of the Flat Earth if they were made of water, and yet I am supposed to believe they are now going to cover a 5.5 point spread against Jon Gruden and his Vegas cronies? I don't think so Peter Banning. Give me the Raiders, their Vegas buddies calling in favors, and the 5.5 points.

Pick: Raiders (+5.5)


Arizona Cardinals @ San Francisco 49ers (-3.5)

Nope. Not gonna do it. There are not enough derogatory words in the English language to describe this game. Moving on.

Pick: Cards (+3.5)


Minnesota Vikings @ Philadelphia Eagles (-3)

Los Angeles Rams @ Seattle HGHawks (+7)

I think we are heading for a Eagles-Rams NFC Championship game. So I will be betting as if that is a fact until something changes my mind.

Pick: Eagles (-3)  Rams (-7)


Dallas Cowboys @ Houston Texans (-3.5)

Does anyone else sit up at night wondering what Zeke Elliot's favorite soup is? Or is it just me?

#FeedHimMoreSoupClapperMan

Pick: Cowboys (+3.5)


Washington @ New Orleans Saints (-6)

All I am going to say about this game is that there is no way in hell I am not going to bet against Drew Brees at home on Monday Night football the same night he breaks Peyton Manning's NFL record for most passing yards in NFL history (Drew needs 201 yards to break the record).

Pick: Saints (-6)

The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 4

FYI - -  This week I decided we would start the blog by answering some mailbag questions about the first three weeks of the 2018 NFL Season and then get to The Informer's Week 4 NFL Picks.

So with that in mind here is the mailbag. As always, please remember that all of the questions being answered came from actual made up readers. 

Q: Mr. Informer who is the best team in the NFL through three weeks? What about the worst?

Well, by my calculations the Cleveland Browns, Kansas City Chiefs and the Miami Dolphins are the three best teams. As for the worst; I have the Houston Texans, the 49ers and the Denver Donkey's. 

Q: The Cleveland Browns are your best team? Are you drunk or really drunk Informer? Seriously get the flying heck outta here with that steaming pile of a dumpster fire fake-take. 

Am I drunk? Of course. But I am also being serious. You see the Browns, Chiefs and Dolphins are the only teams in the NFL who are 3-0 against the spread. While the Texans, 49ers and Broncos are the only three teams in the NFL who have yet to cover a spread. So yea . . . You may think I am a drunken fake-taking idiot, but the reality is that when it comes to gambling the Browns are one of the three best 2018 NFL teams. 

Q: Oh that is right, I forgot you are a degenerate gambler. My apologies. I should have known better then to expect you to give a straight answer about who the best team is. But I guess, by your gambling logic, the Browns are "technically" the best team in the NFL this season. 

First of all, there is no technically about it. There is just factually. The Browns are the best team in the NFL. Period. Point blank. Jumangi. End of story. 

Second of all; this is a blog entitled "The Informer's NFL Picks" so of course my answers are going to be gambling related. That is why the one person reading right now clicked on this NSFW link. For gambling advice, gambling information and gambling picks. They definitely didn't click on the link expecting to get a coherent well written piece of journalism. 

That would be asinine. 

Q: Hey Informer what is your favorite TV show on today and could you explain why? Is it story arch? The characters? The writing slash-story telling?

For "f-word" sakes, did you not just read my last answer? People are not coming to this blog to find out how excited I am for the upcoming seasons of South Park, Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Blue Bloods, Chicago PD, MacGyver or The Goldbergs. And they sure as "f-word" are not reading to find out my takes on cinematography, camera angles, story arch or anything else that has to do with the making of T.V. shows. 

No the person (thanks again) who clicked on this link is reading to find out things like Tom Brady is 1-2 against the spread this season; home underdogs are 9-3 ATS; the 1st half under in Primetime is 7-4 heading into Sunday Night's Ravens-Steelers game (0-1 on the week); and that it has finished with a winning record each of the first three weeks (3-1, 2-1 & 2-1). 

Q: Informer does fantasy football count as gambling? I say, since you can win money doing it, that it counts as gambling. So with that in mind, and sticking to your "its a gambling blog" mantra: What is the best fantasy football advice you handed out this season?

Fantasy football is 100% gambling. So thank you for following the rules and asking a "gambling question". As for the answer, I did stand on my high horse in mid August and say that LeVeon Bell was a complete stay away this season.

#ThatsWhyTheCallMeTheInformer!!!

Q: What about the worst advice?

It pains me to say this (give me a second I am going to chug a Natty for my sorrows) . . . But Derrick Henry is not going to be a Top 5 fantasy football back in 2018 and I am going to lose 12 of my leagues because of that. I don't have no other way to say it other then "I -- The Informer -- was wrong."

#ThatsWhyTheyCallMeTheMisInformer!!!

Q: Hey Informer your twitter feed sucks. Like really bad. Seriously, when the hell are you going to stop doing "Twitter Poll Tournaments" and just delete your account?

What you just said literally has nothing to do with gambling, and is not really even a question, but I'll answer it anyways: In the immortal words of Nick Saban, "I'm not going to, so quit asking."

Q: Who are the best bets to be in the NFL Final Four?

NFC: Rams & Eagles

AFC: Patriots & Chiefs

Q: Who is going to win the Rookie of the Year?

If I had to bet after three weeks my top five favorites would be (in order and offense only): Barkley, Baker, Ridley, Josh "Torpedo Canon" Allen & that Lindsay dude from the Donkeys.  

Q: What about the MVP? 

My top five MVP bets would be (in order): Mahomes, Goff, Rodgers, Brees & Brady. 

Remember, I am not saying "who was the MVP through three weeks." I am saying "if I was going to make a wager on who will eventually win the 2018 NFL MVP" this would be my order. 

So in this case I took Mahomes and Goff because they have been awesome through three weeks, but I am also sticking with Rodgers and Brady because once they right the ship they will be in the conversation. And of course, if Brees throws for 5,000 yards and leads the Saints to a top seed in the NFC,  the voters may finally have to throw him an MVP bone.  

Q: Hey Informer if you had to bet would you take flat or round?

Is this a flat Earth gambling question? 

I am not going to lie . . . I don't know if this means the blog has reached a new high, or a new low? Either way, it is obviously time to move onto The Informer's Week 4 NFL Picks. 

(Informer pre-picks disclaimer: These picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The N.F. Informer is strictly prohibited.)

Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots (-6.5)

The New England Patriots are my Lion King Lock of the Week. In the words of Forrest Gump: "That is all I gotta say about that."

Pick: Pats (-6.5)


Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts (PK)

Whenever you have two crappy teams playing against each other you always take the points, the better quarterback or the home team. In this case taking the points (aka picking a team to win) means you take the home team with the better quarterback. 

Pick: Colts (PK)


Cincinnati Bengals @ Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)

Buffalo Bills @ Green Bay Packers (-9.5)

I want the Bills and Bengals to win on Sunday. Therefore I am betting the Packers and Falcons. There is no reasoning other than I am trying a reverse jinx (for the teams I want to win) while also hoping to win money betting on the two teams that I think are going to cover. 

Pick: Packers (-9.5)  Falcons (-3.5)


Detroit Lions @ Dallas Cowboys (-2.5)

Literally the dumbest thing a NFL gambler can do is take any road team coming off of a monumentous Sunday Night Football upset win over Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. That team is 100% due for the biggest letdown in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!

In other news, I am grabbing the points and taking the Detroit Lions on the road one week after they just completed a Monumentous upset of Tom Brady and the New England Patriots on Sunday Night football. 

What could go wrong?

Pick: Lions (+2.5)


Cleveland Browns @ Oakland Raiders (-2.5)

The Browns are undefeated against the spread, they have Baker freaking Mayfield playing quarterback and dating back to 2008 John Gruden has now lost seven straight NFL games that he coached. 

Give me the points and give me the Browns. 

Pick: Browns (+2.5)


Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Chicago Bears (-3)

Not to beat a dead coach into the ground, but that literally means since the last time Jon Gruden won a game as an NFL head coach The Informer has drank roughly 41,600 Natty Lights (about 80 a week). 

#That has to be some kind of record . . . The losses over a 10 year span, not the Natties. #We all know Boggs put that record out of reach for any normal human. 

Pick: Da Bears (-3)

New York Jets @ Jacksonville Jags (-7.5)

I have zero intent on discussing this open stab wound of a football game, so instead here are this week's Blimpie Best memes of the Week:

Not gonna lie I chuckled a little #ClassicFlagsOnClay . . .

Gump makes me laugh, but this next one was my favorite . . .

Pick: Jags (-7.5)


Philadelphia Eagles @ Tennessee Titans (+3)

Smart money says I am supposed to take the home underdog, but The Informer's money is going to be taking the "I now have one game under my belt and its time to return to MVP form" Carson Wentz only giving three points to a Titans team that literally does not have a healthy quarterback on their roster. 

Pick: Eagles (-3)


Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals (+3)

Somehow despite not being a good NFL team, the Seattle HGHawks are about to be 2-2 after four weeks and officially "lingering" as a team to be messed with later in the season. 

And, well, I think the Cardinals suck.

Pick: HGHawks (-3)


San Francisco 49ers @ San Diego Chargers (-10)

Sooooo . . . The 49ers season is completely over and I -- like everyone else in Murica -- am taking the Chargers in both of my "pick a winner" NFL polls on Sunday. Which of course means the 49ers are probably going to win the game outright, or at the very least, magically cover the double digit spread while making me sweat out Natty Lights like a drunken Informer in Church. 

Pick: 49ers (+10)


New Orleans Saints @ New York Giants (+3)

The last two times these teams played the Giants won by three at home and lost by three on the road. Which leads me to believe that this game will finish with a three point differential. That means the best bet on Sunday is to grab the points and hope the Giants offense shows up for the second straight week. 

(The Informer note - The Saints are also on their second straight road game and coming off of a huge division win, which in the NFL is code for "due for a letdown".)

Pick: Giants (+3)


Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-3) 

I have no actual evidence to back this statement up, but I am pretty sure that every single Ravens-Steelers game in the history of this flat Earth has been decided by three points or fewer. So, since The Informer's made up scientific history says this will be a three point game, I will be betting the Steelers (because I think they will win) and grabbing myself a kissing you're cousin push on Sunday Night Football.

Pick: Steelers (-3)


Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Donkeys (+4)

I will not bet against the phenomenal A.J. Styles Patrick Mahomes in his first Monday Night Football game start . . . I will not bet against the phenomenal A.J. Styles Patrick Mahomes in his first Monday Night Football game start . . . I will not bet against the phenomenal A.J. Styles Patrick Mahomes in his first Monday Night Football game start . . . I will not bet against the phenomenal A.J. Styles Patrick Mahomes in his first Monday Night Football game start . . . I will not bet against the phenomenal A.J. Styles Patrick Mahomes in his first Monday Night Football game start . . . I will not bet against the phenomenal A.J. Styles Patrick Mahomes in his first Monday Night Football game start!!!

Do we all understand what The Informer is trying to say?

Pick: Chiefs (-4)

THE INFORMER AFTER THE BLOG NOTE: Here is my proof of Thursday Night Football pick:

Give me Rams -7 and 1st half under 24.5 #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 27, 2018

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 1

Q: Hey Informer are you seriously going to let the 2017 NFL Season start without giving your readers a fun facts, stats and useless information article?

Of course not. In fact (pun intended), here are 15 of The Informer's funnest most useless stats for the upcoming 2017 NFL Season.

1. Martavias Bryant has 14 touchdown in 21 career games. To put that in perspective that is more TD receptions through 21 games than Julio Jones (12), AJ Green (9), Marvin Harrison (10), Larry Fitzgerald (11), Antonio Brown (1), Michael Irvin (7), Cris Carter (8), Dez Bryant and Jerry Rice (9).
2. Also to put the above stat in perspective, the great Randy Moss caught 20 touchdowns in his first 21 NFL games. 
3. Antonio Gates (who has 111 career TD receptions) needs to catch one TD pass this season in order to break a tie with Tony Gonzalez for the most touchdowns by a tight end in NFL history.
4. Frank Gore is 619 yards away from passing LaDaninian Tomlinson for fifth all-time rushing yards. For those wondering, the only time Gore has rushed for under 619 yards in a season during his 12-year career was his rookie season when he finished with 608 yards rushing.
5. Sticking with the ageless wonder; if Gore reaches 1,000 yards rushing this season he will join Emmitt Smith, Curtis Martin, Barry Sanders and Walter Payton as the only backs to rush for 1,000 yards in 10 different seasons. 
6. Drew Brees is 5,829 yards away from breaking Peyton Manning’s NFL record for passing yards.
7. Tom Brady is 4,262 yards behind Drew Brees.
8. If Adrian Peterson rushes for 1,00 yards he will surpass Thurman Thomas, Franco Harris, Marcus Allen, Edgerin James, Marshall Faulk, Jim Brown and Tony Dorsett to move into ninth place all time.
9. If Larry Fitzgerald records his ninth 1,000 yard season, he would move into third place for most receiving yards in NFL history.
10. Aaron Rodgers needs four TD passes to move past John Elway for 10th all-time. Once that happens Rodgers will join Brees, Brady, Eli Manning, Philip Rivers and Big Ben in the Top 10 in NFL history for career TD passes.
11. Carson Palmer and Philip Rivers each need to pass for 3,000 yards to join Brees, Brady, Eli and Big Ben on the Top 10 career passing yards' list.
12. Odell Beckham Jr and Javaris Landry are each entering their third NFL season with 288 career receptions.
13. With that said; it should be noted that the ODB has racked 4,122 yards and 35 TD, compared to Landry’s 3,051 yards and 13 TD.
14. Speaking of Beckham: Did you know that through 43 NFL games the only players with more TD catches than Odell are Rob Gronkowski (41), Jerry Rice (38) and Randy Moss (37)?
15. And finally, did you know Randy Moss is the only player in NFL history to have three season with 17 or more touchdown catches? Also, he is the youngest player in NFL history to reach 100 TDs for a career. He is second all-time with 157 TD catches. And he owns the NFL record for TD receptions by a rookie (17) and touchdown receptions for a single season (23).

Q: Enough with the made up stats Informer, lets get down to the business of what we are doing here today: What are your boldest of bold predictions for the 2017 NFL Season?

If you want bold, I will give you bold.

1. A.J. Green will lead the NFL in receiving yards.
2. Drew Brees will add to his NFL record by throwing for over 4,500 yards for the eighth straight season (Peyton Manning is second all-time with five straight +4,500 yard seasons).
3. Aaron Rodgers will win the 2017 NFL MVP.
4. The six NFC Playoff teams will be: Seattle Seahawks, Green Bay Packers, Dallas Cowboys, Atlanta Falcons, Carolina Panthers and the New York Giants.
5. The six AFC Playoff teams will be: New England Patriots, Pittsburgh Steelers, Tennessee Titans, Kansas City Chiefs, Cincinnati Bengals and Oakland Raiders.
6. New England will beat Green Bay in the Super Bowl.
7. Kareem Hunt will win the Rookie of the Year.
8. Speaking of Hunt; I think the Kansas City rookie will fumble his first career carry, but then redeem himself by becoming just the third player in NFL history to have 150+ yards and 3 TDs in his first NFL start (joining Marshall Faulk 1994, and Billy Simms 1980). 
9. For the sixth time in his NFL career, Alex Smith will have a 300-yard passing game.
10. And finally, I do not think the New England Patriots will go undefeated.

Q: Wait one flipping second Informer. Did you just hand out four bold predictions based on a game that was already played? Is that what you are doing now? Waiting for a game to end and then writing articles where it makes it look like you actually predicted the outcome? That is a new low even for your drunk ass. You should be ashamed of yourself you fat ignorant hillbilly.

You can call me all the names you want, but these are all legit bold predictions that I totally came up with on my own before my new favorite team the Kansas City Chiefs dethroned the New England Patriots on live national television.

Q: That is f*****g horses sauce and you know it Informer. You are nothing more than a lying drunk bandwagon jumping little man who makes sh*t up to try and feel better about the fact that you suck as a writer and nobody likes you. Well Informer, I am not going to let you get away with it. I want you to show us your "Proof of pick" tweet for the Thursday Night Football game right f***ing now, so we can all see what a fraud you truly are?

Sure I will show my tweet. I got nothing to hide:

I am taking the Kansas City Chiefs (+9), the Chiefs moneyline and the 1st half over 24.5 #ThursdayNightFootball #PatsVsChiefs

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 9, 2017

Q: For f**k sakes Informer!!! That tweet was clearly posted on Saturday, September 9th. Seriously man what is wrong with you? Just admit that the Natty Lights have finally killed all of your brain cells so you must resort to being a worthless drunk liar.

Ummmmm . . . Since this is obviously my "deflategate" moment in history where I am going to dig in and never admit my lies: Why don't we wrap up the mailbag and get to The Informer's  Week 1 2017 NFL Picks?

As always please gamble with reckless abandoned.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-8.5)

The Informer's TNF proof of pick tweet:

I am taking the New England Patriots (-8.5) the 1st half under (24.5) and the game over 48.5 total points #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 7, 2017

Yikes, that is a painful way to start the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Pats (-8.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-8.5)

Oh look at this; we made it to the first Sunday game of the 2017 NFL Season and we have already found the worst game of the year. Welp, since we are obviously not going to talk about this garbage Jet-Bills game, I guess that means we need to hand out this week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

#ClassicKD

Pick: Jets (+8.5)  

ATLANTA FALCONS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+6.5)

Teams that blow a 28-3 Super Bowl lead do not come out flat in Week 1 the very next season. On the contrary they come out pissed off and ready for revenge. At least that is what I am predicting is going to happen with the 2017 Atlanta Falcons (You know since no team in the history of the world has ever blown a 28-3 Super Bowl lead before). My gut is telling me that this team is too healthy and motivated in Week 1 to have any issue with the Mike Glennon led Bears.

Pick: Falcons (-6.5)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ CINNCINATI BENGALS (-2.5)

I think 2017 is going to be A.J. Green's greatest year as a professional football player. I also think that greatness starts Week 1 at home against the banged up Baltimore Ravens.

Pick: Bengals (-2.5)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+9.5)

Martavias Bryant is a young Randy Moss like star. Antonio Brown has three straight season with at least 106 receptions. The Steelers defense is going to be legit. Big Ben is 21-2 in his career versus the Browns. LaVeon Bell is fully healthy and playing Week 1. Oh and did I mention the Browns are still the Cleveland Browns? Yea . . . Don't over think this one.

Pick: Steelers: (-9.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ DETROIT LIONS (+2)

Bruce Arians is greater than Jim Caldwell. Larry Fitzgerald is greater than Lions WRs. David Johnson is a possible 2017 NFL MVP. And finally, Arizona is healthy after their disaster 2016 season while the Detroit Lions are the same team that lost three straight games to finish 2016. Add it all up and the math says I am taking Arizona and laying the points on the road.

Pick: Cardinals (-2)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-5)

Okay so I started a thing on twitter this summer called "The Informer's joke of the Day". Its my new running bit where I go on the internet and try to find jokes that make me laugh, then I share them on my account for all to read. Now, since most of these jokes are at the expense of the hapless Jacksonville Jaguars, I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to share five of my favorites from the summer.

Here goes . . .

Q: Did you hear the C.I.A sent Blake Bortles over to North Korea?
A: They figured he was the only guy in the world who could overthrow Kim Jong-Un.

Q: Why doesn't Blake Bortles use the telephone anymore?
A: Because he couldn't find the receiver.

Q: What do the Oakland Raiders and the L.A. P.D. have in common?
A: Neither one can stop a Bronco.

Q: Why did Tony Romo cross the road?
A: To get to the hospital. (Too soon?)

Q: If you have a Dallas Cowboys running back, wide receiver and defensive player in the same car: Who is driving?
A: The Police.


via GIPHY
Pick: Texans (-5)  

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-2.5)

I know the Titans have become this year’s hipster sleeper playoff team (I did just pick them to make the playoffs six paragraphs ago), but I feel like I need to point out the fact that the Tennessee Titans have an absolute brutal 10 game start to the season.

Seriously check it out:

Raiders (very loseable), Jags (win) Seattle (loss), @ Houston (they will be underdogs), @ Miami (loseable), Colts in Primetime (Andrew Luck is 9-0 career vs Tennessee) (@ Browns (win), Ravens (toss up), Bengals (toss up), @ Steelers (loss), @ Colts (See above 9-0 stat).

Listen, I am not saying they won't make the playoffs, but I am saying maybe we should see how they handle themselves against the “super bowl contending” Oakland Raiders in Week  1 before we go Denny Greening their asses the Cinderella's of the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Titans (-2.5)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (+1.5)

I am following the gambling rule that says to always take the home underdog when the points are 2.5 or less.

Pick: Skins (+1.5)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-4.5)

I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE F*****G JARED GOFF LED LOS ANGELS RAMS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!!

Pick: Lion King Lock of the Week Rams (-4.5)

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-3)

Obviously this is the hardest game of the week to pick. I honestly have been going back and forth chugging Natties trying to figure out what to do. And after about six or seven tall one, I have finally decided that The Informer's gambling rules clearly state I am not allowed to ever bet against Aaron Rodgers at Lambeau. So, because the rules are the rules, I will be betting the Packers on Sunday in the preview of the 2017 NFC Championship game.

Pick: Packers (-3)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+5)

If my children no longer have a college fund at the end of Sunday it will be because I was wrong about the Brian Hoyer led 49ers going up against the Carolina Panthers.

Pick: Panthers (-5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-4.5)

This game will come down to a last minute field goal. And the last time I checked field goals are only worth 3-points, which is obviously less than 4.5.

Pick: Giants (+4.5)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-3)

If Adrian Peterson does not score a touchdown in this game I will stop drinking Natty Lights for a period of 24 straight hours. I swear to Tim Tebow I will do it.

Pick: Saints (+3)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-3)

I am picking the San Diego Chargers because when I was in the second grade the brother of Chargers linebacker Kyle Emanuel came to my birthday party where we watched Wrestlemania VII and ate yellow cake with pink frosting. And while I don't know exactly how that fact matters to the outcome of a NFL game, I also can't come up with a single scientific reason why it is not going to be the most important factor in the outcome of this NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE game.

Sooooo . . .

Pick: Chargers (-3)

That is a wrap folk. I hope you all have a great opening day Sunday. May it be filled with Natty Lights, winning bets and all of the Blimpies free gambling money can buy.

The Informer's 2015 NFL Picks: Week 3

After picking 11-5 against the spread in Week 2 of the 2015 NFL Season, The Informer is once again ready to make the people money. So with John Football Clipboard hand gestures on the mind, let’s crack those Natties and get right to Week 3 of The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks Challenge.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-3.5)

Here is the deal folks; only an absolute moron would pick Kirk Cousins on the road in Prime-time against an 0-2 Giants team that was playing for their season. So if you know someone who was actually dumb enough to bet Kirk "INT" Cousins last night, you have The Informer’s permission to kick that d-bag squarely in the gonads.

Trust me, they deserve it.

For everyone's information . .. The Informer is taking Washington +3.5 tonight and also riding the first half under #FirstHalfUnderIs6-1

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 24, 2015

Before we wrap this game up, here is The Informer’s Week 3 stat of the day: Did you know through his first 15 NFL games the great Randy Moss had 64 receptions for 1,281 yards and 16 TDs (an NFL record for TDs through 15 games)? Did you also know through his first 15 NFL games the "ODB" Odell Beckham Jr. has 110 receptions for 1,574 yards (an NFL record for receptions & yards through 15 games) and 14 TDs?

Just saying; enjoy what you are watching in New York, because right now it is pure greatness in the making.

Pick: Skins (+3.5)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ ST LOUIS RAMS (+1.5)

Speaking of greatness: Antonio Brown is on pace for 144 receptions 2,624 yards and 16 TDs. Now it would be absurd to think Brown can keep this up (164 yards a game is ridiculous), but if he is able to keep up a semi-pace – like say 120 yards a games – than he would become the first NFL receiver to reach 2,000 yards in a single season. Again, it is early in the season, but with this Pittsburgh offense, and the greatness of Brown, it is not out of the realm of possibility, right?

As for the gambling portion of this game; since the line is a tossup, The Informer has no choice but to bet against 85% of the public.

Pick: Rams (+1.5)

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-2.5)

The last time Adrian Peterson played the San Diego Chargers at home was in 2007 and this happened . . .



So yea . . . The Informer is betting Adrian Peterson on Sunday.

Pick: Vikings (-2.5)

TAMPA BAY @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-6.5)

Do we really live in a world where Ryan Mallet and the Houston Texans are favored by 6.5 points even though they are playing without Arian Foster and possibly DeAndre Hopkins (he was undergoing concussion treatment on Thursday)?

Give The Informer the points and the rookie quarterback on the road against J.J. Watt. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Pick: Tampa Bay (+6.5)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (+2)

Gambling rule #700: If the spread is less than three and you have the chance to bet against Brandon Weeden –YOU ALWAYS BET AGAINST BRANDON WEEDEN!!!

Pick: Falcons (-2)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ NEW YORK JETS (-2.5)

The Informer is going to lose so much money this season betting against the New York Jets #EventuallyRyanFitzpatrickWillRealizeHeIsRyanFitzpatrick.

Pick: Eagles (+2.5)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ CAROLINA PANTEHRS (-4.5)

Shhhhh . . . Be very very quiet. We don’t want to let Vegas know the Panthers and Cam Newton, despite playing without wide receivers, are actually a really good team.

Pick: Panthers (-4.5)

CINNCINATI BENGALS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-2.5)

There is no way on Tebow's Green Earth that the red headed gunslinger is going to make history by handing the Ravens their first 0-3 start in the history of Harbaugh, right?

Pick: Bengals (+2.5)

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (-3.5)

Things The Informer would rather do than have to watch this game: Excersice; eat right; stop drinking Natties; check my cholesterol; shave my you know what parts with a Rambo knife; give up Blimpies; smoke crack with Lawrence Taylor (allegedly); trade places with Andy Dufrane during that time when "The Sisters" took a liking to him; break into Edward Norton's house in the middle of the night; cross the streams; have unprotected carnal relations with Jenny Gump; take a right hook from Mike Tyson; stab my eye out with a soldering iron; drink milk from a saucer; watch every episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians; and finally, bet against 5X NFL MVP Peyton Manning in Prime-time.

In other words, this game sucks donkey balls.

Pick: Raiders (+3.5)

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-6.5)

The Informer has no idea which 49ers team is going to show up. Is it the team that played flawless "run and play defense first" football in Week 1? Or will it be the dumpster fire that got boat-raced out of Pittsburgh in Week 2?

Since we can't predict which 49ers team we are getting, The Informer has to go with the surest team in the NFL. Also, there is the whole never, even if there is a fire, bet against Bruce Arians thing.

Pick: Cardinals (-6.5)

(The Informer after the pick stat – Last week, after his first career three TD game, Larry Fitzgerald became just the 10th receiver to join the 12,000 yard 90 TD club. The "Original Predator" is now forever linked with; Randy Moss, Jerry Rice, Chris Carter, Terrell Owens, Marvin Harrison, Tim Brown, Issac Bruce, Tony Gonzalez and the great Steve Largent.)

INDANAPOLIS COLTS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (+3)

The Informer: "Hey Andrew Luck, will you please eat a Snickers?"

Andrew Luck: "Why?"

The Informer: "Because you play like a drunk Jay Cutler when you are hungry."

Seriously, Andrew Luck has been "Jay Cutler" awful through two games this season. Don’t worry though, that trend is not going to continue. It was just a byproduct of the greatest young QB in NFL history getting to know his new teammates (Frank Gore & Andre Johnson), some horrible "Pep Hamilton System" play calling (Stop trying to be a run first pound the ball offense . . . For the love of Tebow you have freaking Andrew Luck as your quarterback . . . F***ING USE HIM!!!) and of course the fact the Colts have played two of the 10 best defenses in the NFL.

Going 0-2 under those conditions could happen to anyone. That all stops this week though as Luck rights the ship and starts the march to his fourth straight 11 win season.

Pick: Colts (-3)

CHICAGO BEARS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-14.5)

What a dilemma. Should The Informer follow the "two touchdown underdog rule" or the "always bet against Jimmy Clausen on the road against a desperate 0-2 Seattle team during the same week that Cam Chancellor returns to the lineup no matter how big the spread is rule"?

This really is a hard one.

"Hey Informer, did you hear that unnamed sources have confirmed that HGH sales (allegedly) have reached an all-time high in the Seattle area this past week?"

No figment of The Informer’s imagination, I had not heard that obviously concrete fact (allegedly) about the Seattle area. Talk about a game changer. Now, are we sure it was HGH and not just over the counter non performance enhancing Adderall so Seattle could study better?

Either way, if Seattle is going to be laser-focused in their home opener than there really is only one way to bet this game.

Pick: Seattle (-14.5)

BUFFALO BILLS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-3)

Ace Ventura, would you like to say a few words about this game?



Well said Ace.

As for the pick, The Informer is backing the home team while preparing for a push (this is going to be a last second field goal game).

Pick: Dolphins (-3)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-13.5)

The NFL gambling rules clearly state whenever a team is getting two touchdowns, you bet the dog. You don’t ask questions, you just do it. And since The Informer already ignored this rule once, there is no choice but to back the Jags on the road against Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski.

"Holy f***ing s**t Informer . . . Will you please re-read that last sentence. You just said to bet Blake Bortles on the road against Tom Brady during Tom Brady's 'I am pissed at the NFL and going to win the 2015 NFL MVP Award in spite season.' Seriously, picking the Jags this week maybe the dumbest most idiotic thing you have ever done. Take it back right now before I have to threaten your life you fat-fat moron."

Listen, for the bottom of The Informer's black liver "I apologize" and take it all back. The Informer had one too many Bortles & James wine coolers and one thing led to another. I know that things were said and for that "I am sorry." It was wrong and it will never happen again. The Informer promises. And so we are all clear, there is no way in the bluest of blue hells The Informer is going to bet against Tom Brady this weekend. The above sentence was one drunken mistake. Nothing more.

Pick: Patriots (-13.5)

DENVER BRONCOS @ DETROIT LIONS (+3)

Everyone say it with me . . .

5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME !!!

Somebody please get Simba on the phone, because The Informer just found his Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Donkeys (-3)

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-6.5)

Everyone say it with me . . .

2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME!!!

Pick: Packers (-6.5)

Have a great Week 3 everyone. May it be filled with Blimpies, Natty Lights and enough winning parlays to buy dem apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fur.



#NFLPicks #FloRida #WinnerWinnerBlimpiesDinner

2015 NFL Season Prop Bets & Thursday Night Pick

After months of talking about deflated balls, courtroom dramas, overbearing commissioners, tainted legacies and all the other garbage that comes with the offseason; we can finally talk about actual football.

No longer will we have to spend endless nights listening to pundits explain why it is wrong for rookies to have a fall guy. No longer will we have to read 10,000 word stories about scandals from the year 2000. And best of all, no longer will we have to listen to "talking head blowhards" debate whether or not Tim Tebow is better than RG3-13.

Nope. All of the garbage is done. For the next five months the only thing that matters is the actual football being played on Sunday.

Whether it is Andrew Luck making the MVP leap; Peyton Manning proving he is still the 5x NFL MVP; Adrian Peterson canceling Christmas; Ryan "RT1" Tannehill becoming elite; Calvin Johnson regaining his spot as the best WR in the game; Jay Cutler causing a five month long depression in the Windy City; J.J. Watt; Rex Ryan trying to end the Buffalo Bills' playoff drought; Khalil Mack trying to bring respect to Oakland; Mariota vs. Winston; Tom Brady vs. the World; Odell Beckham Jr. defying the laws of NFL gravity; or Alex Smith trying to game manage his team to a Super Bowl; it is finally time to stop the speculating and start watching the storylines play out on the field.

Oh yea . . . And did The Informer mention the sweet-sweet return of the parlay, the teaser, the prop bet, the first half under, Peyton Manning in prime-time, home underdogs, long odds, short odds, money lines, points spreads, hedging, miracle covers and betting against Jay Cutler, Ryan Fitzpatrick and whomever is starting for the Cleveland Browns?

Speaking of gambling; since the NFL season is kicking off in less then 12 hours, for today’s article The Informer thought we would break down all of the "fake" prop bets he made for this season, before picking tonight’s game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the New England Patriots.

So with that in mind, let’s stop all the jibber-jabber and start the gambling.

(The Informer note – As always, please keep in mind that these are all hypothetical wagers that should not be taken seriously unless you live in the great state of Las Vegas where gambling is legal. Furthermore; it needs to be noted that The Informer in no way condones, or advises, anyone to sign up for an illegal offshore Caribbean gambling website like RealBet, SportsBook, USABets, TopBet, Bovada, or take part in any other activity where a person could make illegal wagers. Doing so is not only illegal, but it is considered a mortal sin in most of the world’s religions. So again, what you are about to read is for entertainment purposes only. Thank you and enjoy.)
 
2015 NFL SEASON PROP BETS

Andrew Luck over 34 TD passes

This is actually The Informer’s Lion King Lock of the Year. In other words, "Lock and load Ramathorn."

Drew Brees over 4,600 passing yards

Drew Brees has passed for over 4,600 yards five straight years and six of the last seven. In the world of gambling that is what we like to call a trend. And no, losing a tight end who had less than 1,000 yards receiving last season does not scare The Informer one bit.

Adrian Peterson over 1,250 yards rushing

Do you all remember the last time people told Adrian Peterson he would not be the same? Yea . . . So does The Informer.

A.J. Green over 1,200 yards receiving yards

The Informer likes this bet because A.J. "The Sickness" Green is about to become just the second guy in the history of the NFL to finish with at least 1,000 yards receiving in each of his first five seasons; which makes this a decent prop bet.

For those wondering, the great Randy Moss is currently the only guy to ever accomplish this feat.

Calvin Johnson over 10 TD catches

"The Shredder" is going to regain his title as the best in the business by racking up touchdowns at an alarming rate.

Julio Jones over 1,300 yards

The Informer made this fake bet before Julio Jones signed his new contract under the assumption that Jones was about to have a great "contract season". With that said; only 1,300 yards for Julio seems like a steal of a bet.

Dez Bryant over 11.5 TD catches

Did you know that there is not a single player in the NFL who can say they have caught more touchdowns (56) than Dez Bryant since the former Oklahoma State WR entered the NFL in 2010?

Ryan Tannehill over 4,000 yards passing

Ryan Tannehill is going to have a monster season so you might as well win money watching him do it.

Derek Carr over 21 TD passes

Derek Carr had 21 TD passes as a rookie even though he played the entire season without one single receiver who would actually be considered an NFL caliber player. So thinking he will have at least that many as a second year player after the Raiders added Michael Crabtree and Amari Cooper is not that much of a stretch.

Ameer Abdullah to win ROY (+1300)

Marcus Mariota to win ROY (+600)

The Informer likes both of these guys a lot. And with long odds, these are lottery tickets that could pay well in the end.

Tampa Bay wins the NFC South (+555)

The Informer was drunk when he made this bet.

Arizona (+500), San Francisco (+1100) and Rams (+750) to win NFC West

The thinking here is that the Super Bowl hangover curse is a real thing and that Seattle, after four straight years of winning, is due for an "everything goes wrong" type of season. So if everything does go wrong in Seattle this season, that means The Informer wins money. And if it doesn’t then The Informer will have another excuse to hate the HGHawks.

Texans under 8.5 wins (+110)
 
Ask anyone in the National media and they will tell you that J.J. Watt had the greatest season in the history of football last year. And you know what? The Texans still barely won nine games. So the thinking here is that Houston will be worse thanks to the facts that they lost Andre Johnson (a future Hall of Famer), they have an injured Arian Foster, they don’t have an NFL caliber starting QB and Watt – who again had the greatest season in the 96 year NFL history a year ago – is due to come back down to Earth at least a little. Add that all up, and it feels like they could be a half game worse than a season ago.

Denver over 10.5 wins (+110)

All Peyton Manning does is win 11 football games and the AFC West every year.

Skins under 6.5 wins (-110)

Is the Friday before Week 1 to early to mark this bet as a "W"?

Colts over 11 wins (-110)

Andrew Luck has won at least 11 games every year he has played in the NFL. So at worst, The Informer gets a push here.

Lions over 8.5 wins (+110)

The Informer made this bet before looking at the Lions brutal schedule (yikes). With that said; if Calvin stays healthy, Stafford continues to improve (he is only 27 years old) and Ameer fills the Reggie Bush roll then this team will be in position to give The Informer’s family a happy Christmas.

Panthers under 8.5 wins (-110)

Same bet as last year. Until Carolina can field an offense, they are not going to win nine games.

Atlanta to make playoffs (+150)

Lions to make playoffs (+160)

Atlanta plays in the NFC South, so no explanation needed there. As for Detroit, The Informer thinks they have the talent to reach the playoffs in back to back seasons for the first time since the Barry Sanders era (last time Detroit made back to back was the 1994 and 1995 seasons).

"Cheese and rice Informer, you made 23 prop bets? Dude you really need to think about calling 1-800 Bets-off. Seriously, you have problems."

Hey Mr. condescending judgmental figment of The Informer’s imagination: Don't you remember when The Informer said these were "fake illegal wagers"? Or how The Informer said "these are just some of the bets I would make if I had an 'illegal bookie' to make them through?"

Basically, don't you remember when the top of the article advised that this was being written for entertainment purposes only?

So how about you get off your non-gambling high horse and shut the hell up while The Informer gives the people free money?

Anyways, as The Informer was saying before he was rudely interrupted, now that we have the season long prop bets out of the way it is time to get to the main event.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-7)

The Informer is going to say this one time and one time only: Other than making good natured jokes at the Patriots expense, there will be no mention of Deflategate, Spygate, WaterGate, Bill Gates or anything that rhymes with the word gate in this article ever again.

Why you ask?

Because The Informer does not give two sh*ts about deflated footballs and controversies that are over 10 years old. The cold hard truth is last season the Patriots beat the Colts by seven hundred points and then went on to beat a very good Seattle HGHawks squad in the Super Bowl. There is no conspiracy, cheating scandal, steroid use or rooms full of deflated footballs that would have changed those outcomes.

End of story.

Now, getting back to the game at hand, the Steelers are playing without Le’Veon Bell and Martavis Bryant tonight while the Patriots are playing with fully inflated balls, new spyware (allegedly) and a pissed off Tom Brady.

Doesn’t that sound like advantage New England?

Plus, there is the whole "New England is going to be playing in full F-U mode like it is 2007 all over again" thingy. Combine that with the fact that the home team is 12-1 since the NFL started doing these Thursday Night games, and The Informer is thinking the 66% of the public are about to win their first bet of the season.

Pick: New England (-7)

Have a great opening night everyone. Also, just so everyone is not worried, due to some scheduling issues and other factors beyond my control, the rest of The Informer’s Week 1 NFL Picks will be posted either Saturday or Sunday morning. So keep an eye out for those as opening Sunday inches closer and closer.