The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 3

Here are The Informer's Week 3 2018 NFL Picks. As always please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The N.F. Informer is strictly prohibited.

New York Jets @ Cleveland Browns (Browns -3)

Five things I learned from the Browns first ever NFL victory:

1. The 1st half under in Primetime is back (it is now 6-2 on the year)
2. Hue Jackson has to watch more film before announcing a starting QB.
3. Hue Jackson needs to be fired/drug tested if he watches said film and benches Baker Mayfield.
4. The Browns are a legit playoff contender with Baker Mayfield.
5. And finally, I learned that #ClassicJohnMaddenMemes never get old:

Anyways, putting classic John Madden aside, here is The Informer's proof of Thursday night pick tweet:

Im taking the Browns -3 and the 1st half under 20 points #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 20, 2018

Pick: Browns (-3) 1st Half Under 20 (Winner Winner)


Indianapolis Colts @ Philadelphia Eagles (-7)

I am taking the Colts and grabbing the points in this game for a few reasons: 1) The Eagles have zero healthy wide receivers. 2) They are starting someone named Clement at running back. 3) Their QB is playing his first game since tearing an ACL (there will be rust). 4) Frank Reich used to coach for the Eagles now coaches for the Colts (insider information). 5) And finally because I never bet against Andrew Luck when his side arm is locked, healthy and loaded. 

Pick: Colts (+7)


Cincinnati Bengals @ Carolina Panthers (-3)

As a person who would like the Bengals to move to 3-0 on Sunday I am going to do the only logical thing when it comes to this game: I am going to max bet the Panthers (-3). I am going to place the Panthers in every single parlay, teaser and NFL Super Picks contest I am in. And of course I am going to make them my Lion King Lock of the Week (which is 0-2 on the season). 

#How is that for an Informer Jinx? #GoAJGreen #TheSickness #BengalsDey

Pick: LKLOTW Panthers (-3)


New Orleans Saints @ Atlanta Falcons (-2)

Dear Atlanta Falcons coaching staff, 

Julio Jones has went seven straight regular season games without catching a touchdown. Will you please do something to change this?

Sincerely,

Everyone who watches football and is completely flabbergasted by the fact that you can't find a way to get one of the greatest wide receivers to ever play the game of football a touchdown. 

Pick: Falcons (-2)


Denver Donkeys @ Baltimore Ravens (-5.5)

New York Giants @ Houston Texans (-6)

Oakland Raiders @ Miami Dolphins (-3)

The NFL gambling rules clearly say that when you have mediocre/complete garbage teams playing against each other you always take the points. 

Pick: Donkeys (+5.5), Giants (+6) & Raiders (+3)


Tennessee Titans @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-9.5)

My totally fake and made up bookie does not have a line on this game so we are going to have to use the lines from the Las Vegas Super picks contest which was set at (-9.5) in favor of the Jags.

Now, as you are going to see in a few paragraphs with my Green Bay Packers pick, this game is totally contingent on whether or not the starting quarterback plays. So my pick is this: If Marcus Mariota starts I am taking the Titans (+9.5), but if Mariota is ruled out I will be betting the Jags (-9.5). 

In other words, this will be a last minute game time betting decision. Just remember Mariota yes, bet Titans. Mariota no, bet Jags. 

Pick: Mariota Yes Titans (+9.5) Mariota No Jags (-9.5)


Green Bay Packers @ Washington (+3)

Aaron Rodgers yes, bet Packers. Aaron Rodgers no, bet Washington.

Pick: Rodgers Yes Packers (-3) Rodgers No Washington (+3)


Buffalo Bills @ Minnesota Vikings (-17)

I have literally zero logic behind what I am about to say, and I know I am probably going to go straight to hell for doing it, but I am grabbing the points and betting Josh "The Torpedo Missile" Allen and Buffalo Bills on Sunday. 

Pick: Bills (+17)


San Francisco 49ers @ Kansas City Chiefs (-6.5)

Los Angeles Chargers @ Los Angeles Rams (-7)

Chicago Bears @ Arizona Cardinals (+6)

I am going to ride the Chiefs, Rams, Bears heater until she bucks me (fyi - all three teams are 2-0 against the spread this season). And since that is all I got to say about that, how about we hand out this week's Blimpies Best memes of the Week?

Poor Sam Bradford, dude just can't catch an injury break. 

That cigarette 😆😆😆😆😅😅

#ClassicKD #😂😂😂😂 #YesIJustUsedACryingLaughEmojiTwice #YesTheBlogHasReachedANewLow

Pick: Chiefs (-6.5) Rams (-7) Bears (-6)


Dallas Cowboys @ Seattle HGHless Hawks (-1.5)

Since I have nothing to say about this game, here are 14 random facts/tidbits/Randy Moss stats about Week 3 of the 2018 NFL Season that I wanted to share:

1. Eli Manning (52,185) leads Big Ben (51,852) by 333 career passing yards.
2. This week Ryan Fitzpatrick needs 98 yards passing to pass Chad Morton, 118 yards to pass Ken Stabler, 178 yards passing to pass Terry Bradshaw and 380 yards to pass Ron Jaworski on the all-time list. 
3. Tom Brady and Drew Brees both have 493 career touchdown passes. 
4. Brett Favre is second all-time with 508 TD passes.
5. Peyton Manning is first with 539 TD passes.
6. In 49 career games Odell Beckham has 38 touchdown receptions. 
7. In his last 49 games Julio Jones has 13 touchdown receptions.
8. In his last 49 games Matt Ryan has 76 touchdown passes and only 13 of them went to Julio "seriously how can this guy not get a touchdown ever" Jones. 
9. Patrick Mahomes is on pace to throw 80 Touchdowns.
10. For those scoring at home, that would be an NFL record.
11. Raise your had if you thought Matt "Breida Mode", Joe Mixon, Phillip Lindsay, Lamar Miller & James Conner would be the five best "yards per game" running backs through 2 weeks of the NFL season?
12. If your hand is raised you are a liar. 
13. Did you know that on September 23, 2007 Randy Moss caught 5 passes for 115 yards and 2 touchdowns in a Patriots 38-7 win over Trent "The Cannon" Edwards and the Buffalo Bills?
14. And finally, I am going to bet the HGHless Hawks on Sunday.

Pick: Seattle (-1.5)


New England Patriots @ Detroit Lions (+7)

Everyone say it with me,

Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . TOM BRADY IN PRIMETIME COMING OFF OF A LOSS!!!

Are we all on the same page?

Pick: Patriots (-7) & 1st half under (27)


Pittsburgh Steelers @ Tampa Bay (PK)

As the old saying goes: "Fool me once, shame on you . . . Fool me twice, shame on me . . . Fool me three times, then I am just a drunken idiot who lost all his money betting against Ryan Fitz-magic."

Pick: Steelers (PK)

The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 1

For those of you that are new to this blog my name is The Informer. I am an overweight middle aged man with a Natty Light problem who watches too much football and loves to gamble. I am also someone who has picked over 50% correct against the spread on NFL games in nine of the last 11 seasons.

Which brings us to why we are here today: Simply put, me and you (aka the readers) are here to make money illegally (and technically in some countries now legally) betting on NFL games while hopefully getting "Jay Culter Wasted" and having a few laughs.

So what is about to happen is I am going to go through every game from Week 1 of the 2018 NFL Season and pick who I think is going to cover the spread (this is not who I think is going to win, this is who is going to "cover" the point spread). And then you the reader will in turn use the information I provided to place illegal wagers and win tons of money.

It literally is that easy.

I watch the football, then I provide the expert winning picks, then you win a stuff ton of money. It is a no lose situation for everyone involved as long as I continue to be one of the best NFL handicappers on the internet (which obviously is going to happen); you keep using the information provided to place wagers (again if you are reading it will happen); and of course the FBI does not arrest any of us for committing illegal acts of gaming (I am not sure that can legally happen in Murica. Can it?).

(The Informer note - I am of course just kidding about making illegal wagers. This is a satire column that provides information/picks that should only be used for recreational purposes. In no way does The Informer, my family, or anyone who believes in Tim Tebow --condone breaking of the law. Seriously, please do not use the picks below to wrongfully make thousands of millions of dollars this season. That would be immoral and illegal.)

Anyways, which means please stop interrupting me with legalities while I am drinking my Natties, now that we all know the basics about why we are here: How about we get to The Informer's Week 1 2018 NFL Picks?

Atlanta Falcons @ Philadelphia Eagles (PK)

Here is The Informer's proof of Thursday Night pick Tweet:

Im taking the Falcons (Pick Em) and the the 1st Half Under 22.5 #TNFBets #FootballIsBack #FlyFalconsFly

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 6, 2018

Pick: Falcons (Loss) 1st Half Under (Win)

San Francisco 49ers @ Minnesota Vikings (-6)

Is it just me, or does it just feel right starting year 11 off with a fun "Randy Moss is a 1st ballot NFL Hall of Famer fact" that involves both the Minnesota Vikings and the San Francisco 49ers?

Did you know that 20 years ago to the day on September 9th, 1998 the great Randy Moss debuted as an NFL rookie catching four passes for 95 yards and two touchdowns (both  passes from Brad Johnson) while leading the Minnesota Vikings to a 31-7 victory over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?

Did you also know that six years ago to the day on September 9th, 2012 the great Randy Moss played in his last opening day game catching four passes for 47 yards and one touchdown (from Alex Smith) while leading the San Francisco 49ers to a 30-22 victory over the Green Bay Packers?

"Hey Informer why in the hell are you still blabbing on about Randy Moss? The dude has literally zero to do with this game on Sunday. Could you please for once in your miserable life just do your job and tell us who is going win the Jimmy G vs the former Washington quarterback match up?"

Does that mean you all don't want to hear about how 11 years ago to the day on September 9th, 2007 the great Randy Moss debuted with the New England Patriots catching nine passes for 181 yards and one touchdown while setting the tone for the Pats to become the only team in NFL history to finish a regular season 16-0?

No?

Are you sure?

Okay, fine. If you insist here is my breakdown of the present day 49ers-Vikings game: I am taking the 49ers because Jimmy G has covered in all five of his starts as a 49ers QB so I am going to ride his covering trend until he bucks me.

Pick: 49ers (+6.5)

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cleveland Browns (+3.5)

I am not going to pick the Browns . . . I am not going to pick the Browns . . . I am not going to pick the Browns . . . I am not going to pick the Browns . . . I am not going to pick the Browns.

F***!!!

Am I really gonna pick the Browns?

Would someone please go get me 6-12 more Natties?

#ThisCantBeReal

Pick: Browns (+3.5)

Cincinnati Bengals @ Indianapolis Colts (-2)

Here are five "Bold" Informer predictions involving these two teams:

1.  AJ Green will have 1500+ yards and at least 12 TDs this season.
2.  Andrew Luck will finish Top 5 MVP, and Top 3 fantasy quarterbacks. 
3. Joe Mixon is going to rush for more than 1,300 yards. 
4. Both of these teams are going to go over their Vegas projected win totals (Over/Under for each team is 7 wins).
5. Both of these teams are going to make the Playoffs this season. 

As far as Sunday goes, I'm taking the points because I am not allowed to bet against AJ Green unless I know it is a sure fire win and that I am going to make loads of money doing it. On Sunday, as much as I love having Andrew back, there is nothing is surefire about Luck's first start in almost 2 years; therefore give me the points and lets hope for a Sunday afternoon shootout.

Pick: Bengals (+2)

Buffalo Bills @ Baltimore Ravens (-7.5)

If I watch a single minute of this "2nd floor of a big city apartment fire" the NFL is trying to pass of as an actual abortion; I swear I will give up drinking Natty Light for at least six to seven hours.

Of course, since I am not going to watch this apartment fire, think about this apartment fire, or make any other remarks about this 2nd floor of a big city apartment fire: I figured now would be the perfect time to hand out the Week 1 Blimpies Best meme of the Week:

#ClassicSmokingJayWinsTheInternetAgain.

Pick: Ravens (-7.5)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ New York Giants (+3)

Speaking of not caring . . . I don't care if he did almost beat Tom Brady in the AFC Championship game; the gambling rules still clearly state that a person should never, not even if their is a big city 2nd floor apartment fire, bet on Blake Bortles as a road favorite.

Again, I did not make these rules, I just follow them because I like being right.

Pick: New York Giants (+3)

Houston Texans @ New England Patriots (-6)

"Hey Informer what are these so called rules you speak of?"

You know what? That is a very good question. Sometimes I forget that new people may be reading this blog and not have a full grasp on "Informer drunken gambling 101". Let me try to help y'all understand better by listing 10 of the most hard-fast rules that I follow every single time I place a wager (unless of course I have a "feeling"):

1. Never bet Blake Bortles as a road favorite.
2. Always bet Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers in Primetime.
3. Always bet the 1st half under in primetime.
4. When two shitty teams are playing, take the points.
5. The Browns suck and only a drunken idiot who wants to lose all his money would bet them against Ben Roethlisberger who is 11-2 as a starter in Browns stadium.
6. The Rams are going to be great, bet them while you can.
7. When in doubt, take the best quarterback.
8. Did I mention Tom Brady?
9. If 80% of the public is betting one way, you bet the other way. Don't ask questions.
10. And finally, when all else fails, get "Jay Cutler Wasted" and bet with reckless abandon.

Pick: Patriots (-6)

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans Saints (-10)

I am taking the New Orleans Saints in all five of my NFL survivor polls. Which of course means the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are going to some how win on Sunday. Which also of course means a smart person -- and if you are reading this blog we know you are the smartest of the smart - - would grab the 10 points and laugh their way to the bookies office.

Pick: Tampa Bay (+10)

Tennessee Titans @ Miami Dolphins (+1)

If someone said "Hey Informer what do you love more: Derrick Henry or Blimpies?" I would obviously say Blimpies. But I am not gonna lie, I would have to think about it for a split second. That is how great I think the beast from Alabama is going to be this year. In fact, I have so much faith in Henry rushing for 1,700 yards this season that I am going to make the Tennessee Titans my Week 1 Lion King Lock of the Week.

Lock it in.

Pick: LKLOTW Titans (-1)

Kansas City Chiefs @ Los Angeles Chargers (-3.5)

Q: What did the Chargers defense say when the Chiefs quarterback fell on top of them?

A: Get off of me Mahomes . . . #

With literally zero context behind it, this joke slays me every time.

#LongLiveMahomes

Pick: Chiefs (+3.5)

Seattle Seahawks @ Denver Broncos (-3)

Dallas Cowboys @ Carolina Panthers (-3)

Washington Redskins @ Arizona Cardinals (-1.5)

As the rules say, when in doubt always take the team with the better quarterback.

Pick: Seahawks (+3) Panthers (-3) & Washington (-1.5)

Chicago Bears @ Green Bay Packers (-7)

Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . .Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . .Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . AARON RODGERS AT HOME IN PRIMETIME!!!

I hope I am not being to subtle with this one.

Pick: Packers (-7)

New York Jets @ Detroit Lions (-6.5)

A New York Jets rookie quarterback on the road during Monday Night Football in his first ever NFL game and he is giving less than a touchdown? Am I being Punk'd right now? Is Ashton Kutcher running a prank on me? Do people remember Punk'd? Or who Ashton Kutcher is? How many questions about Ashton Kutcher is too many before the readers stop reading this blog? Is there any chance in hell there are still people reading? Should I post a link to a Pam Anderson having marital relations video just to see if anyone is still here? Do people still watch videos like that? Hell, do people still know who Pam Anderson is? Maybe I should go with a Paris Hilton video? Then again, do people still know who Paris Hilton is?

"Dear Gawd Informer . . . Please no more questions. Just give us your pick and wrap this thing up."

Okay, as I said above, I am taking the Lions (-6.5) because I don't think Ashton Kutcher exists anymore. Which means there is no way this is a prank. Instead it is a gift sent straight from the Gambling Tebow's to make us all rich.

Pick: Lions (-6.5)

Los Angeles Rams @ Oakland Raiders (+4)

Follow the rules and bet the Rams now before it is too late.

Pick: Rams (-4)

That is all folks. Merry NFL Sunday Funday Christmas. May your day be filled with winning parlays, Natty Lights and all the Blimpies money can buy.

See you next week.

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 13

Ladies and gentlemen here are 10 things The Informer thinks heading into Week 13 of the 2017 NFL Season (all my Week 13 NFL Picks are at the end of the column). 

1. I think I can't believe the New York owner would sign off on benching Eli Manning after everything Eli has brought to the Giants organization (aka 2 Super Bowls). I also think that benching Eli for Geno Smith in order to guarantee a top two pick in the 2017 NFL Draft is the absolute correct move for the Giants.

2. I think that if Tom Brady finishes the 2017 NFL Season with 4,900 yards and 38 touchdowns while leading the New England Patriots to a 12-4, 13-3 or 14-2 record; he is going to win the 2017 NFL MVP. I know the darling media thing to say right now is that Carson Wentz is the front-runner, but I find it hard to believe NFL MVP voters would let the living GOAT have the second greatest statistical season of his career -- at age 40 -- and not reward him with the Most Valuable Player trophy. 

3. I think I am extremely excited for Josh Gordon and the NFL fans that the man who once put up 1,646 yards in 14 NFL games is back in the NFL. I think I am also extremely excited to start said Josh Gordon in every single one of my fantasy football leagues this week. 

4. I think if I had to guess right now my six AFC Playoff teams would be: New England, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Jacksonville, Tennessee and Kansas City. 

5. I think if I had to guess right now my six NFC Playoff teams would be: Eagles, Vikings, Rams, Saints, Falcons & Seattle. 

6. I think this is the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:

7. I think this is my Randy Moss better be a unanimous first ballot Hall of Famer stat of the day: Randy Moss caught 43 touchdowns in his first three NFL Seasons (48 games). To put that in perspective; Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones -- playing in his seventh NFL season -- has 43 career touchdown catches.  

8. I think my favorite non Randy Moss stat heading into Week 13 has to be this: 

Tom Brady - 482 career TD passes in 246 starts.

Drew Brees -  481 career TD Passes in 243 starts.

9. I think despite having a 28-32 record in the contest, I am still going to share with the world my Week 13 NFL Super Pick selections: Atlanta (-3) Pats (-8.5) Panthers (+4) Oakland (-8.5) Steelers (-5) 

10. I think despite having one of my worst NFL Picks records of my career (86-85-5 heading into Week 13), I am still going to share with the world all of my Week 13 NFL Picks:

Redskins (-1.5 Loss) Ravens (-3) 49ers (+3) Falcons (-2.5) Patriots (-8) Dolphins (+1.5) Titans (-7) Colts (+9.5) Green Bay (-1.5) Jets (+3.5) Panthers (+5) Chargers (-13.5) Raiders (-8.5) Rams (-7) Eagles (-3.5) Steelers (-5 Lion King Lock of the Week)

The is a wrap for this week folks. I hope everyone has a great and profitable Week 13. And as always, please remember to gamble with absolutely zero regard for human life.

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 1

Q: Hey Informer are you seriously going to let the 2017 NFL Season start without giving your readers a fun facts, stats and useless information article?

Of course not. In fact (pun intended), here are 15 of The Informer's funnest most useless stats for the upcoming 2017 NFL Season.

1. Martavias Bryant has 14 touchdown in 21 career games. To put that in perspective that is more TD receptions through 21 games than Julio Jones (12), AJ Green (9), Marvin Harrison (10), Larry Fitzgerald (11), Antonio Brown (1), Michael Irvin (7), Cris Carter (8), Dez Bryant and Jerry Rice (9).
2. Also to put the above stat in perspective, the great Randy Moss caught 20 touchdowns in his first 21 NFL games. 
3. Antonio Gates (who has 111 career TD receptions) needs to catch one TD pass this season in order to break a tie with Tony Gonzalez for the most touchdowns by a tight end in NFL history.
4. Frank Gore is 619 yards away from passing LaDaninian Tomlinson for fifth all-time rushing yards. For those wondering, the only time Gore has rushed for under 619 yards in a season during his 12-year career was his rookie season when he finished with 608 yards rushing.
5. Sticking with the ageless wonder; if Gore reaches 1,000 yards rushing this season he will join Emmitt Smith, Curtis Martin, Barry Sanders and Walter Payton as the only backs to rush for 1,000 yards in 10 different seasons. 
6. Drew Brees is 5,829 yards away from breaking Peyton Manning’s NFL record for passing yards.
7. Tom Brady is 4,262 yards behind Drew Brees.
8. If Adrian Peterson rushes for 1,00 yards he will surpass Thurman Thomas, Franco Harris, Marcus Allen, Edgerin James, Marshall Faulk, Jim Brown and Tony Dorsett to move into ninth place all time.
9. If Larry Fitzgerald records his ninth 1,000 yard season, he would move into third place for most receiving yards in NFL history.
10. Aaron Rodgers needs four TD passes to move past John Elway for 10th all-time. Once that happens Rodgers will join Brees, Brady, Eli Manning, Philip Rivers and Big Ben in the Top 10 in NFL history for career TD passes.
11. Carson Palmer and Philip Rivers each need to pass for 3,000 yards to join Brees, Brady, Eli and Big Ben on the Top 10 career passing yards' list.
12. Odell Beckham Jr and Javaris Landry are each entering their third NFL season with 288 career receptions.
13. With that said; it should be noted that the ODB has racked 4,122 yards and 35 TD, compared to Landry’s 3,051 yards and 13 TD.
14. Speaking of Beckham: Did you know that through 43 NFL games the only players with more TD catches than Odell are Rob Gronkowski (41), Jerry Rice (38) and Randy Moss (37)?
15. And finally, did you know Randy Moss is the only player in NFL history to have three season with 17 or more touchdown catches? Also, he is the youngest player in NFL history to reach 100 TDs for a career. He is second all-time with 157 TD catches. And he owns the NFL record for TD receptions by a rookie (17) and touchdown receptions for a single season (23).

Q: Enough with the made up stats Informer, lets get down to the business of what we are doing here today: What are your boldest of bold predictions for the 2017 NFL Season?

If you want bold, I will give you bold.

1. A.J. Green will lead the NFL in receiving yards.
2. Drew Brees will add to his NFL record by throwing for over 4,500 yards for the eighth straight season (Peyton Manning is second all-time with five straight +4,500 yard seasons).
3. Aaron Rodgers will win the 2017 NFL MVP.
4. The six NFC Playoff teams will be: Seattle Seahawks, Green Bay Packers, Dallas Cowboys, Atlanta Falcons, Carolina Panthers and the New York Giants.
5. The six AFC Playoff teams will be: New England Patriots, Pittsburgh Steelers, Tennessee Titans, Kansas City Chiefs, Cincinnati Bengals and Oakland Raiders.
6. New England will beat Green Bay in the Super Bowl.
7. Kareem Hunt will win the Rookie of the Year.
8. Speaking of Hunt; I think the Kansas City rookie will fumble his first career carry, but then redeem himself by becoming just the third player in NFL history to have 150+ yards and 3 TDs in his first NFL start (joining Marshall Faulk 1994, and Billy Simms 1980). 
9. For the sixth time in his NFL career, Alex Smith will have a 300-yard passing game.
10. And finally, I do not think the New England Patriots will go undefeated.

Q: Wait one flipping second Informer. Did you just hand out four bold predictions based on a game that was already played? Is that what you are doing now? Waiting for a game to end and then writing articles where it makes it look like you actually predicted the outcome? That is a new low even for your drunk ass. You should be ashamed of yourself you fat ignorant hillbilly.

You can call me all the names you want, but these are all legit bold predictions that I totally came up with on my own before my new favorite team the Kansas City Chiefs dethroned the New England Patriots on live national television.

Q: That is f*****g horses sauce and you know it Informer. You are nothing more than a lying drunk bandwagon jumping little man who makes sh*t up to try and feel better about the fact that you suck as a writer and nobody likes you. Well Informer, I am not going to let you get away with it. I want you to show us your "Proof of pick" tweet for the Thursday Night Football game right f***ing now, so we can all see what a fraud you truly are?

Sure I will show my tweet. I got nothing to hide:

I am taking the Kansas City Chiefs (+9), the Chiefs moneyline and the 1st half over 24.5 #ThursdayNightFootball #PatsVsChiefs

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 9, 2017

Q: For f**k sakes Informer!!! That tweet was clearly posted on Saturday, September 9th. Seriously man what is wrong with you? Just admit that the Natty Lights have finally killed all of your brain cells so you must resort to being a worthless drunk liar.

Ummmmm . . . Since this is obviously my "deflategate" moment in history where I am going to dig in and never admit my lies: Why don't we wrap up the mailbag and get to The Informer's  Week 1 2017 NFL Picks?

As always please gamble with reckless abandoned.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-8.5)

The Informer's TNF proof of pick tweet:

I am taking the New England Patriots (-8.5) the 1st half under (24.5) and the game over 48.5 total points #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 7, 2017

Yikes, that is a painful way to start the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Pats (-8.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-8.5)

Oh look at this; we made it to the first Sunday game of the 2017 NFL Season and we have already found the worst game of the year. Welp, since we are obviously not going to talk about this garbage Jet-Bills game, I guess that means we need to hand out this week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

#ClassicKD

Pick: Jets (+8.5)  

ATLANTA FALCONS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+6.5)

Teams that blow a 28-3 Super Bowl lead do not come out flat in Week 1 the very next season. On the contrary they come out pissed off and ready for revenge. At least that is what I am predicting is going to happen with the 2017 Atlanta Falcons (You know since no team in the history of the world has ever blown a 28-3 Super Bowl lead before). My gut is telling me that this team is too healthy and motivated in Week 1 to have any issue with the Mike Glennon led Bears.

Pick: Falcons (-6.5)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ CINNCINATI BENGALS (-2.5)

I think 2017 is going to be A.J. Green's greatest year as a professional football player. I also think that greatness starts Week 1 at home against the banged up Baltimore Ravens.

Pick: Bengals (-2.5)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+9.5)

Martavias Bryant is a young Randy Moss like star. Antonio Brown has three straight season with at least 106 receptions. The Steelers defense is going to be legit. Big Ben is 21-2 in his career versus the Browns. LaVeon Bell is fully healthy and playing Week 1. Oh and did I mention the Browns are still the Cleveland Browns? Yea . . . Don't over think this one.

Pick: Steelers: (-9.5)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ DETROIT LIONS (+2)

Bruce Arians is greater than Jim Caldwell. Larry Fitzgerald is greater than Lions WRs. David Johnson is a possible 2017 NFL MVP. And finally, Arizona is healthy after their disaster 2016 season while the Detroit Lions are the same team that lost three straight games to finish 2016. Add it all up and the math says I am taking Arizona and laying the points on the road.

Pick: Cardinals (-2)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-5)

Okay so I started a thing on twitter this summer called "The Informer's joke of the Day". Its my new running bit where I go on the internet and try to find jokes that make me laugh, then I share them on my account for all to read. Now, since most of these jokes are at the expense of the hapless Jacksonville Jaguars, I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to share five of my favorites from the summer.

Here goes . . .

Q: Did you hear the C.I.A sent Blake Bortles over to North Korea?
A: They figured he was the only guy in the world who could overthrow Kim Jong-Un.

Q: Why doesn't Blake Bortles use the telephone anymore?
A: Because he couldn't find the receiver.

Q: What do the Oakland Raiders and the L.A. P.D. have in common?
A: Neither one can stop a Bronco.

Q: Why did Tony Romo cross the road?
A: To get to the hospital. (Too soon?)

Q: If you have a Dallas Cowboys running back, wide receiver and defensive player in the same car: Who is driving?
A: The Police.


via GIPHY
Pick: Texans (-5)  

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-2.5)

I know the Titans have become this year’s hipster sleeper playoff team (I did just pick them to make the playoffs six paragraphs ago), but I feel like I need to point out the fact that the Tennessee Titans have an absolute brutal 10 game start to the season.

Seriously check it out:

Raiders (very loseable), Jags (win) Seattle (loss), @ Houston (they will be underdogs), @ Miami (loseable), Colts in Primetime (Andrew Luck is 9-0 career vs Tennessee) (@ Browns (win), Ravens (toss up), Bengals (toss up), @ Steelers (loss), @ Colts (See above 9-0 stat).

Listen, I am not saying they won't make the playoffs, but I am saying maybe we should see how they handle themselves against the “super bowl contending” Oakland Raiders in Week  1 before we go Denny Greening their asses the Cinderella's of the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Titans (-2.5)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (+1.5)

I am following the gambling rule that says to always take the home underdog when the points are 2.5 or less.

Pick: Skins (+1.5)

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-4.5)

I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE F*****G JARED GOFF LED LOS ANGELS RAMS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!!

Pick: Lion King Lock of the Week Rams (-4.5)

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-3)

Obviously this is the hardest game of the week to pick. I honestly have been going back and forth chugging Natties trying to figure out what to do. And after about six or seven tall one, I have finally decided that The Informer's gambling rules clearly state I am not allowed to ever bet against Aaron Rodgers at Lambeau. So, because the rules are the rules, I will be betting the Packers on Sunday in the preview of the 2017 NFC Championship game.

Pick: Packers (-3)

CAROLINA PANTHERS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+5)

If my children no longer have a college fund at the end of Sunday it will be because I was wrong about the Brian Hoyer led 49ers going up against the Carolina Panthers.

Pick: Panthers (-5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-4.5)

This game will come down to a last minute field goal. And the last time I checked field goals are only worth 3-points, which is obviously less than 4.5.

Pick: Giants (+4.5)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-3)

If Adrian Peterson does not score a touchdown in this game I will stop drinking Natty Lights for a period of 24 straight hours. I swear to Tim Tebow I will do it.

Pick: Saints (+3)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-3)

I am picking the San Diego Chargers because when I was in the second grade the brother of Chargers linebacker Kyle Emanuel came to my birthday party where we watched Wrestlemania VII and ate yellow cake with pink frosting. And while I don't know exactly how that fact matters to the outcome of a NFL game, I also can't come up with a single scientific reason why it is not going to be the most important factor in the outcome of this NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE game.

Sooooo . . .

Pick: Chargers (-3)

That is a wrap folk. I hope you all have a great opening day Sunday. May it be filled with Natty Lights, winning bets and all of the Blimpies free gambling money can buy.