The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 9

Here are The Informer's Week 9 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The National Informer League is strictly prohibited.

Oakland Dumpster Fires @ San Francisco 49ers (+1)

Give me Raiders -1 #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) November 1, 2018

Pick: WOOF (-1)


Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings (-5.5)

Blogging really is a funny thing. You see two weeks ago The Informer went 14-1 against the spread (the single greatest gambling weekend of my life) and had a fairly normal views week. Then last week (a week in which I went 11-3 ATS) over 4/5 of my normal reading audience decided to not read The Informer.

Now obviously, with over 80% of my audience disappearing the week after I had the greatest week of my life, I had to ask the question: How and why did that happen?

The problem was I could not come up with any good answers. So that is when I decided to do what any normal adult male with five children and a full time job would do: I got Natty Light wasted until I eventually came up with two reasons why the people stopped reading this blog.

Here is what I came up with:

1 - Everyone who has ever been tricked into clicking on a link to this blog finally decided that they would rather be broke -- and not have the best NFL picks on the internet -- then read one more poorly written blog with lame ass joke about The Informer getting drunk and calling NFL teams trash.

Or . . .

2 - The rulers of the flat Earth -- aka Vegas -- saw that I am the Shane McMahon of NFL Handicapping (25-4 against the spread the past two weeks) and got so tired of losing money that they paid the internet to hide all links to my blog.

Now, call me crazy, but looking at the options I gotta say that I find it hard to believe anyone would voluntarily give up free money just because they don't like my jokes, or my lack of ability to properly use punctuation?

I mean giving up free money for any reason would be asinine, right?

Think about it this way: If someone said "Hey go to this Nickelback concert they are giving out millions of dollars to everyone who listens to all their songs in one night." Would you in turn say "No I hate Nickelback music so I will turn down the free money?"

The answer is hella no.

You would rock your face off listening to How You Remind Me and then spend your free money on Natty Light and hookers (for those not into booze and ladies of the night, maybe you would give some money to charity and then go to church). Either way, you would put your hate for Nickelback aside and go to the damn concert where they are handing out free money.

Just like everyone on the internet would put their hate for The Informer aside in order to get the best free NFL picks money can buy.

So, since option one is not really logical when you break it down, that means the only logical reason a 30 pack of Natty Light has more beers then my blog had views last week; was because Vegas and the internet are determined to keep you the people from seeing these picks and winning free money.

Now, I know what you are all thinking right now: "If Vegas and Sandra Bullock are teaming up to keep these picks from the people then there is literally nothing we can do to stop them."

To that I say "not so fast my friends."

You see, no matter how hard they try, Vegas can't control us if we all work together. Which is why this week after you get done reading -- and making your bets -- please make sure to share the link to this article on Twitter, Facebook, Medium, Pornhub, Linkedin, SnapFace, InstaCocaine and where ever else kids are hanging out at these days.

In the end, if we all do our part we can conquer the evil Vegas empire. And best of all, once we take them down, we will be filthy rich from illegal gambling winnings.

#SpreadTheWord

Pick: Lions (+5.5)


Kansas City Chiefs @ Cleveland Browns (+8)

85% of the people are betting the Kansas City Chiefs on the road a week after they defeated one of their biggest rivals. That means if you want to follow the gambling rules the only bet you can make this week is on the Browns (+8).

Me personally; I am not going to follow the gambling logic. Not because I am some kind of gambling rebel who does things his own way, no the reason I am not following the rules is because after 15 Natty Lights I still couldn't find the courage to type the word "Browns".

Pick: Chiefs (-8)


Pittsburgh Steelers @ Baltimore Ravens (-3)

Baltimore already beat the Steelers once this season, which means it is the Steelers turn to beat the Ravens. That is how the NFL writers say this rivalry works. And since it is the Steelers turn to win, I have no other choice but to grab the points and bet the road team.

Pick: Steelers (+3)


Tampa Bay @ Carolina Panthers (-6)

The Panthers are 4-0 overall and 3-1 ATS at home this season. Tampa Bay on the other hand is 1-3 on the road. In other words; I am using some really advanced metric stats the laymen people would not understand to make this pick.

Pick: Panthers (-6)


New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins (-2.5)

There are a 10 things I know to be 100 percent true facts about this life. 1) Dinosaurs are not real. 2) Al Gore created the internet. 3) The Earth is flat. 4) Natty Light. 5) Blimpies is the only sandwich store that matters. 6) Moss is boss. 7) Tom Brady is Goat. 8) Aaron Rodgers is not goat. 9) ESPN should bring Chris Berman and Tom Jackson back to do NFL Primetime 10) There is no way on Tim Tebow's Green Earth I will watch one single second of this abortion the NFL is trying to pass of as a football game.

And since there is no reason to waste anymore time thinking about the Jets-Dolphins, how about we hand out this week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week . . .

#You know Jon Gruden definitely tried to trade the short fat kid on the right for a future draft pick.

Pick: Dolphins (-2.5)


Atlanta Falcons @ Washington (-2)

I think the Atlanta Falcons are the better team. I think the Falcons are going to win this game out right. I think I am going to make the Falcons my Lion King Lock of the Week. And I think if you or anyone you know has a problem with that then I got five words for ya: "I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!!!"

Pick: Falcons (+2) Lion King Lock of the Week

Chicago Bears @ Buffalo Bills (+10)

Nathan Peterman is starting quarterback for the Buffalo Bills.

Please re-read that last sentence again before gambling today.

Pick: Bears (-10)


Houston Texans @ Denver Broncos (-1)

Los Angeles Chargers @ Seattle HGHawks (+1)

Los Angeles Rams @ New Orleans Saints (-1.5)

My three favorite types of dogs in this world are: 1) Hot dogs smothered in ketchup. 2) Road dogs who are also the better team. 3) Home dogs who play in Seattle.

And I guess, since I am all out of ketchup, it looks like the only dogs I have left to love this week are the two road dogs (Texans & Rams) who are the better team and the one home dog who plays in Seattle.

Pick: Rams (+1.5) HGHawks (+1) Texans (+1)


Green Bay Rodgers @ New England Patriots (-6)

I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Bet the first half over . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Follow The Informer on Twitter . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Julio Jones still has not caught a TD pass . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Am I really going to bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime? . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I put ketchup on my steak today . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Is anyone still reading this? . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime!!!

Anyways, just so my intentions are crystal clear Pepsi, I am not going to bet against Tom Brady in Primetime.

Pick: Patriots (-6)


Tennessee Titans @ Dallas Cowboys (-+6.5)

When you have two mediocre teams playing against each other you must always take the points. These are the rules set forth during the 1928 Geneva Gambling convention. Therefore, since the Cowboys & Titans are both mediocre, I have no choice but to grab the points and hope the Tennessee Titans miss another two point conversion with no time remaining to cover.

Pick: Titans (+6.5)

The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 8

Before we get to The Informer's NFL picks, here are a few things to think about heading into Week 8 of the 2018 NFL Season:

Tom Brady is only four TD passes away from tying Brett Favre for second all-time with 508 NFL touchdown passes. Now for those thinking -- four TD passes against the Buffalo Bills on Monday Night Football in 2018 seems like an absolute lock -- please keep in mind that Brady has only thrown four TDs or more in six of his 31 career starts against the Bills. So, if we are doing simple math, there is only about a 20% chance that Tom Brady ties Favre on Monday Night Football this week.

I guess, what I am trying to say is, Tom Brady is most definitely about to throw five touchdowns against the Buffalo Bills for the second time in his life while moving past Brett Favre for second place all-time.

Congrats Tom Terrific. Next up is Peyton Manning who is sitting at 539.

Speaking of the record books: Did you know Ben Roethlisberger needs two TD passes on Sunday to pass Fran Tarkenton for 8th place all-time for most career TD passes? Did you also know that once Roethlisberger passes Tark the all-time rankings will go: #8 Big Ben, #7 Eli Manning and # Phillip Rivers? Finally, did you know that if you look at career passing yards the all-time rankings go: #8 Rivers, #7 Ben and #6 Eli?

Gotta say, that is not to shabby for the first three quarterbacks drafted in the 2004 NFL Draft.

For those wondering; the last three quarterbacks drafted in the 2004 NFL Draft (Matt Mauck, BJ Symons & Bradlee Van Pelt) combined to throw for 143 yards and zero career touchdowns #TheMoreYouKnow.

This is not really a stat, but please go pick up Ronald Jones in fantasy as soon as you get done reading this article. You are welcome in advance.

AJ Green is four receptions away from becoming the 70th player in NFL history to have 600 receptions.

Adam Thielan -- who has reached 100-yards receiving in an NFL record seven straight games to start the season -- is on pace for 152 receptions, 1,872 yards and 12 touchdowns.

In the words of Forrest Gump: "That is all I got to say about that".

This is my order for 2018 NFL MVP heading into Week 8: Pat Mahomes, Todd Gurley, Tom Brady, Drew Brees & then Adam Thielan.

This is my order for 2018 least NFL MVP heading into Week 8: Jon Gruden, Bills QB #2, Bills QB #3, Derrick Henry & then Eli Manning.

Hey this is kind of fun . . .

Here is a list of 13 NFL players who -- as of November 25th, 2017 -- caught a total of 44 TD passes during their career (aka one more than Julio Jones): Ahmad Rashad (yes that Ahmad Rashad), Reggie Rucker, Webster "My Man" Slaughter, Dave Parks, Lance Moore, Doug Baldwin, Dwayne Bowe, Buddy Dial, Willie Gault, Terry Glenn, TJ HoushmanIdon'thaveanyideahowtospellhisname, Nate Washington and Roy Williams.

And here is a list of 13 NFL players who -- as of October 27th, 2018 -- caught a total of 44 TD passes during their career (aka one more than Julio Jones): Ahmad Rashad (yes that Ahmad Rashad), Reggie Rucker, Webster "My Man" Slaughter, Dave Parks, Lance Moore, Doug Baldwin, Dwayne Bowe, Buddy Dial, Willie Gault, Terry Glenn, TJ HoushmanIdon'thaveanyideahowtospellhisname, Nate Washington and Roy Williams.

I will now once again use a meme for motivation speaker Matt Foley to express how every Julio Jones fan feels about the above stats #

Sticking with Julio Jones touchdowns: Did you know only two of the 42 NFL player to finish a season with at least 1,500 yards receiving scored less than six touchdowns in said season? That would be 2012 Calvin Johnson (who set an NFL record with 1,964 yards receiving but only caught give TD passes) and 2012 Andre Johnson (who racked up 1,598 yards receiving and four touchdowns).

Julio Jones is currently on pace for 1,856 yards and zero TDs.

Still sticking with Julio Jones TDs: Did you know on November 11th, 2007, Randy Moss caught more touchdowns in one half (four) then Julio Jones has caught in the past 23 games?

Listen, I know I am spending to much time on this Julio thing, but I swear my mind is actually flabbergastedly (Is that even a word?) blown by this. Seriously, how can Julio Jones not "accidentally" score at least one touchdown in the last 12 games? I mean for Pete f**king sakes a guy named Marvin Hall caught a touchdown pass for the Falcons last week.

MARVIN FREAKING HALL!!?

And Julio can't get one?

I just don't get it.

Anyways, which means I apologize for melting down about the fact that Julio Jones will literally have zero touchdowns heading into Week 9 of the 2018 season (he has a bye this week), how about we get to The Informer's Week 8 NFL Picks?

As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The National Informer League is strictly prohibited.

WEEK 8 NFL PICKS

Texans (-7.5) WIN

Eagles (-4)

Browns (+8)

Donkeys (+10)

Bears (-9.5)

Washington (-1)

Seattle HGHawks (+3)

Bengals (-3.5)

Panthers (+3)

Colts (-3)

Cardinals (+1.5)

Packers (+8)

Vikings (+1.5)

Pats (-13.5) LKLOTW

The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 6

Q: Hey Informer do you have any regrets about your 5-10 NFL Picks record in Week 5?

You mean like betting against Tom Brady at home in Primetime while he was playing the Colts? Or losing my Lion King Lock of the Week because the Miami Dolphins couldn't protect a 17-0 second half lead (which means they were up 23.5-0 per the spread)? Or maybe you are asking if I regretted breaking all the gambling rules by betting against three teams that were home underdogs/home teams favored by less than three points (those teams went 3-0, I went 0-3)?

If that is what you are asking, then my answer is no. I don't regret anything. Sure I wish I would have won, but at the end of the day I made my picks based off of years of scientific research  a drunken gut feeling and I have no regrets where that feeling led me to. Even if it was to the post office to mail my bookie a check that could have been used to by all of the Patrick Mahomes rookie cards. 

Q: What about that tweet you sent after finding out your kids soccer game was canceled? Do you regret that?

What tweet? I don't remember sending any tweet out about my daughter's soccer games.

Q: Are you really going to sit there and pretend you don't remember this?

I'm not saying it was my best moment as a dad, but here was live video footage of me finding out my daughter's 2pm Sunday soccer game was canceled due to rain # pic.twitter.com/nJaFRk0w4R

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 7, 2018

Oh you meant that tweet? Yea, I 100% regret sending that tweet. In fact I am 100% certain that tweet -- and not my drunken gut feelings --  was the entire reason my picks were an absolute dumpster fire of an abortion last week.

Q: Spin it how ever your want Informer,  but the fact remains that you are an utter embarrassment to the internet and you should probably just delete your blogger account. But, because I know you are a stubborn jackass who thinks people actually read this garbage,  could you maybe give us one really cool stat before we get to this week's picks?

Using the word "utter" before calling me an embarrassment seems a bit harsh. But I guess in the end you did ask nicely, so I will answer answer your question with this really interesting and cool stat:

Here are the Top 10 NFL career touchdown pass leaders in 1994

1. Fran Tarkenton - 342
2. Dan Marino - 328
3. Johnny Unitas - 290
4. Joe Montana - 273
5. Sonny Jurgensen - 255
6. Dan Foutes - 254
7. John Hadl - 244
8. Y.A. Tittle - 242
9. Len Dawson - 239
10. George Blanda -236

Here is Top 10 NFL career touchdown pass leaders in 2018

1. Peyton Manning - 539
2. Brett Favre - 508
3. Tom Brady - 500
4. Drew Brees - 499
5. Dan Marino - 420
6. Philip Rivers - 355
7. Eli Manning - 345
8. Fran Tarkenton -342
9. Ben Roethlisberger - 340
10. Aaron Rodgers - 323

Isn't it wild that today seven of the Top 10 greatest touchdown throwers in NFL history are quarterbacks who were not even in the NFL the year Joe Montana retired with the fourth most touchdown passes in NFL history (Brett Favre was finishing his third season)?

Furthermore, how good was Fran Tarkenton? I mean the dude retired in 1978 and yet his passing numbers still hold up today despite the evidence showing us the NFL is now a pass happy league. That is simply amazing.

Sticking with Fran: Did you know that Tarkenton held the TD record from 1978 to 1995 (17 years)? Then Dan Marino held the record from 1995 to 2007 (12 years). Brett Favre then held the record from 2007 to 2014 (seven years). And finally Peyton Manning will hold the record from 2015 until sometime in 2019 when Tom Brady or Drew Brees breaks his record (four years). 

So I guess my point/question is: Will we ever see someone hold this record for 17 years again? Or is it just going to keep changing hands every 2-7 years?

And finally, if this stat  repeats history, that means in 24 years seven of the greatest statistical quarterbacks in NFL history will have been replaced by guys who may or may not even be playing college football right now. 

Think about that for a second. 

Anyways, now that we have all been "informed" about the future of NFL quarterbacks with this week's really cool stat of the day, here are The Informer's Week 6 NFL Picks.

As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The N.F. Informer is strictly prohibited.

Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Giants (+3)

Here is The Informer's proof of pick Thursday Night Football Tweet:

Im taking the Eagles (-1) #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 11, 2018

Ladies and gentle people, your eyes are not deceiving you. That is a Thursday night win.

Pick: Eagles (-3)


Seattle HGHawks (-3) @ Oakland Raiders (in London)

Over the past Fortnight I have been Sod Off by the fact that I am a Tosser who has Lost the Plot when it comes to picking Bloody NFL games. Hell, I have been Cocking Up so badly by handing out Crusty Dragon picks that I was actually thinking about quitting in order to become a Chap-Scrubber On the Pull for Starker Daft-Cows who don’t know the difference between their Knackers and Strawberry Creams.

But then I realized quitting would make me a complete Axe Wound who should be forced to Go to Her Majesty’s Pleasure just like all the Pounces that Filch from the Khazi Slappers who give you Nookie for money. So, because I didn’t want to be a complete Areshole Axe Wound, I decided I am going to get back to being Aces by betting against the Chav Knobhead Raiders on Sunday. 

Now, don’t get your Knickers in a Twist Raiders fans, I do think you have an Anorak offense, and that there is a chance I Throw a Spanner in the Works, but the fact remains your defense is going to See a Man about a Dog on Sunday; which means they will not be Up for it against a Seattle offense that just went toe to toe with the 2018 NFC Champions. 

Again, I am not Arse over Tit for this pick, but Before you Bite your Arm off, please keep in mind the Raiders -- who are basically playing their fourth road game of the young 2018 season -- have been All fur coat and no knickers in 2018. So I literally have no choice but to Leg over the points and take the HGHawks while making myself a couple of Easy-peasy Quids. 

Bob's your uncle. 

Pick: HGHawks (-3)


Arizona Cardinals @ Minnesota Vikings (-10)

There is no way the Vikings lay another egg against a double digit dumpster fire . . . Right?

Pick: Vikings (-10)


Los Angeles Chargers @ Cleveland Browns (-1.5)

I am going to keep riding the red hot covering Browns (they are 4-1 on the season against the spread) until they turn back into the Browns and cost me money. 

Pick: Browns (-1.5)


Tampa Bay @ Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)

Here is a meme of motivational speaker Matt Foley expressing my exact feelings on the 2018 Atlanta Falcons:

Pick: Falcons (-3.5)


Carolina Panthers @ Washington Redskins (+1)
Indianapolis Colts @ New York Jets (-2.5)
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals (-2.5)
Los Angeles Raiders @ Denver Donkeys (-6.5)

Remember last week when every home underdog/ home team that was favored by less than three points covered? And then after this happened I got Jay Cutler wasted and swore to Tim Tebow that I would never -- not even if their was a fire -- bet against a home dog/ home team favored by less than three points ever again?

Well, I give you this weeks picks that involve home dogs/ home teams favored by less than three points . . . #I really am a moron.

Pick: Panthers (-1) Colts (+2.5) Steelers (+2.5) Rams (-6.5)


Chicago Bears @ Miami Dolphins (+3)

Speaking of home dogs: Did you know that Ryan Tannehill was downgraded to questionable on Friday with a shoulder injury and may not play in this game? This means that there is a good chance Brock Osweiler is going to start/play quarterback in this game.

Folks please re-read that last sentence. Because it says: THERE IS A CHANCE BROCK OSWEILER PLAYS QUARTERBACK IN THIS GAME!!!

And, well, any time there is a chance for "Brock to Brock", The Informer's gambling rules clearly stat that I have to make the team he is going to "Brock" against the Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Bears (-3)


Buffalo Bills @ Houston Texans (-10)

Abortion. Trash. Dumpster fire. Open Hatchet Wound. Crud. Sewage. Balderdash. Gross. Yuck.

In other words, here is this Week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week starring the beautiful Selena Gomez:

The Internet can be really mean sometimes #Memes & Words Hurt You Know? 

Pick: Bills (+10)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Dallas Cowboys (+3.5)

Give me the home dog against a team without a good running back so they have to plan their entire offense around Blake Bortles being a great quarterback. 

Pick: Cowboys (+3.5)

Baltimore Ravens @ Tennessee Titans (+3)

Give me the home dog against a team without a good running back so they have to plan their entire offense around Joe Flacco being a great quarterback. 

Pick: Titans (+3)

Kansas City Chiefs @ New England Patriots (-3.5)

I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . .I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime ever again!!!!!

Just so we are all clear, I am totally betting against Tom Brady in Primetime again. In the words of the great Forrest Gump: "I am not a smart man."

Pick: Chiefs (+3.5)

San Francisco 49ers @ Green Bay Packers (-9.5)

Aaron Rodgers in Primtime. That is my expert opinion as to why you should bet the Packers on Monday Night Football. 

Pick: Green Bay (-9.5)

The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 5

Here are The Informer's Week 5 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The N.F. Informer is strictly prohibited.

Indianapolis Colts @ New England Patriots (-10.5)

I know it is a few days late, but here are five Thursday Night NFL Football gambling rules that should have been followed this week:

1. Always bet Tom Brady in Primetime. 
2. Always bet the home team on Thursday Night Football; especially when the road team is coming off a Sunday overtime loss where their team got totally decimated by injuries. 
3. Always, no matter what the spread is, bet a Bill Belichick team against any team that accuses a Bill Belichick team of cheating, or deflating footballs. 
4. Offensive coordinators for the Patriots who turn down jobs with the Colts tend to try and run up the score. 
5. ALWAYS BET THE PATRIOTS ON THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL AGAINST THE COLTS!!!

I mean you literally would have had to be the biggest, fattest, most moronic, idiot in the history of this flat Earth to actually bet the Colts on Thursday night. 

Give me Colts +10.5 and under 24.5 in the first half...#TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 4, 2018

Pick: Colts (+10.5)


Baltimore Ravens @ Cleveland Browns (+3.5)

As a concerned gambler, I could not in good conscience sit idly by and let the NFL/Vegas get away with robbing the Cleveland Browns of their hard fought win/cover against the Oakland Raiders last week. So, that is why I decided to write a very stern letter to the NFL/Vegas, letting them know exactly what I thought about them treating me --  and every Browns' bettor/fan around the world -- like "The Sisters" treated Andy Dufrense during the worst year of his life at Shawshank Prison.

Here is that letter:

Dear NFL/Vegas, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes!

Love,

Alfalfa The Informer.

Pick: Browns (+3.5)

(The Informer note - Seriously though, the NFL should be ashamed of themselves for overturning that first down. What a gosh damn joke. You suck you cheating NFL.)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Kansas City Chiefs (-3)

The Chiefs are the best team in football not named the Los Angeles Rams. They have best quarterback not named Tim Tebow to ever walk the face of the Earth. And they are only giving three points at home to Blake Bortles? Am I missing something here?

Pick: Chiefs (-3)


Tennessee Titans @ Buffalo Bills (+5.5)

I know the Titans are coming off of a huge win against the Super Bowl champions, and that I am supposed to be scared of home dogs, but I physically can't bring myself to bet on the Buffalo Bills anymore this season unless they are getting 14 or more points (they are 1-0 against the spread when getting at least 14 points).

Pick: Titans (-5.5)


New York Giants @ Carolina Panthers (-6.5)

Here is my expert opinion on this game: The Giants suck.

Pick: Panthers (-6.5)


Denver Broncos @ New York Jets (-1)

Yikes . . . Let's go ahead and file this contest under the "I would not watch this dumpster fire of an abomination with your eyes" section. Which of course means it is time to completely ignore this atrocity the NFL is trying to pass of as a football game, and instead hand out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:

I know that I am going straight to H.E.C.K for laughing, but damn that one made me chuckle.

Pick: Broncos (+1)


Atlanta Falcons @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-3.5)

Do you all think Ashton Kutcher is punking us with this whole "Julio Jones can't catch a touchdown" thing? I mean seriously, how the f*** is this even possible? We have one of the greatest wide receivers in the history of the NFL -- and a guy who is on pace to become the first ever wide receiver with 2,000 yards in a single season - - and yet he hasn't caught a touchdown pass in his last nine games?

I just don't understand how this is possible.

Anyways, I am grabbing the hook this week (aka the extra half point) while expecting both teams to put up 60 points. Oh and I will also be betting Julio Jones over .5 touchdowns #ThisIsTheWeek

Pick: Falcons (+3.5)


Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions (-1)

To all of you experts betting the Lions against Aaron Rodgers this week . . . I salute you. You keep dreaming those dreams and wishes those wishes, while I keep cashing my checks at the bookies office.

Pick: Packers (+1)


Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals (-6)

You know what I felt last week watching A.J. "The Sickness" Green catch the game winning touchdown while at the same time costing me a Super Picks contest and illegal gambling wager win?

Absolute pride.

Why pride you ask?

Because last week I set out to jinx the Falcons (so the Bengals would win) by betting them every which way I could and it absolutely worked. So naturally, since my gambling jinx worked to perfection last week, I am going to run the jinx angle back again this week by making the Dolphins my Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Dolphins (+6)


Oakland Raiders @ San Diego Chargers (+5.5)

The San Diego Chargers couldn't cover 71% of the Flat Earth if they were made of water, and yet I am supposed to believe they are now going to cover a 5.5 point spread against Jon Gruden and his Vegas cronies? I don't think so Peter Banning. Give me the Raiders, their Vegas buddies calling in favors, and the 5.5 points.

Pick: Raiders (+5.5)


Arizona Cardinals @ San Francisco 49ers (-3.5)

Nope. Not gonna do it. There are not enough derogatory words in the English language to describe this game. Moving on.

Pick: Cards (+3.5)


Minnesota Vikings @ Philadelphia Eagles (-3)

Los Angeles Rams @ Seattle HGHawks (+7)

I think we are heading for a Eagles-Rams NFC Championship game. So I will be betting as if that is a fact until something changes my mind.

Pick: Eagles (-3)  Rams (-7)


Dallas Cowboys @ Houston Texans (-3.5)

Does anyone else sit up at night wondering what Zeke Elliot's favorite soup is? Or is it just me?

#FeedHimMoreSoupClapperMan

Pick: Cowboys (+3.5)


Washington @ New Orleans Saints (-6)

All I am going to say about this game is that there is no way in hell I am not going to bet against Drew Brees at home on Monday Night football the same night he breaks Peyton Manning's NFL record for most passing yards in NFL history (Drew needs 201 yards to break the record).

Pick: Saints (-6)

The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 4

FYI - -  This week I decided we would start the blog by answering some mailbag questions about the first three weeks of the 2018 NFL Season and then get to The Informer's Week 4 NFL Picks.

So with that in mind here is the mailbag. As always, please remember that all of the questions being answered came from actual made up readers. 

Q: Mr. Informer who is the best team in the NFL through three weeks? What about the worst?

Well, by my calculations the Cleveland Browns, Kansas City Chiefs and the Miami Dolphins are the three best teams. As for the worst; I have the Houston Texans, the 49ers and the Denver Donkey's. 

Q: The Cleveland Browns are your best team? Are you drunk or really drunk Informer? Seriously get the flying heck outta here with that steaming pile of a dumpster fire fake-take. 

Am I drunk? Of course. But I am also being serious. You see the Browns, Chiefs and Dolphins are the only teams in the NFL who are 3-0 against the spread. While the Texans, 49ers and Broncos are the only three teams in the NFL who have yet to cover a spread. So yea . . . You may think I am a drunken fake-taking idiot, but the reality is that when it comes to gambling the Browns are one of the three best 2018 NFL teams. 

Q: Oh that is right, I forgot you are a degenerate gambler. My apologies. I should have known better then to expect you to give a straight answer about who the best team is. But I guess, by your gambling logic, the Browns are "technically" the best team in the NFL this season. 

First of all, there is no technically about it. There is just factually. The Browns are the best team in the NFL. Period. Point blank. Jumangi. End of story. 

Second of all; this is a blog entitled "The Informer's NFL Picks" so of course my answers are going to be gambling related. That is why the one person reading right now clicked on this NSFW link. For gambling advice, gambling information and gambling picks. They definitely didn't click on the link expecting to get a coherent well written piece of journalism. 

That would be asinine. 

Q: Hey Informer what is your favorite TV show on today and could you explain why? Is it story arch? The characters? The writing slash-story telling?

For "f-word" sakes, did you not just read my last answer? People are not coming to this blog to find out how excited I am for the upcoming seasons of South Park, Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Blue Bloods, Chicago PD, MacGyver or The Goldbergs. And they sure as "f-word" are not reading to find out my takes on cinematography, camera angles, story arch or anything else that has to do with the making of T.V. shows. 

No the person (thanks again) who clicked on this link is reading to find out things like Tom Brady is 1-2 against the spread this season; home underdogs are 9-3 ATS; the 1st half under in Primetime is 7-4 heading into Sunday Night's Ravens-Steelers game (0-1 on the week); and that it has finished with a winning record each of the first three weeks (3-1, 2-1 & 2-1). 

Q: Informer does fantasy football count as gambling? I say, since you can win money doing it, that it counts as gambling. So with that in mind, and sticking to your "its a gambling blog" mantra: What is the best fantasy football advice you handed out this season?

Fantasy football is 100% gambling. So thank you for following the rules and asking a "gambling question". As for the answer, I did stand on my high horse in mid August and say that LeVeon Bell was a complete stay away this season.

#ThatsWhyTheCallMeTheInformer!!!

Q: What about the worst advice?

It pains me to say this (give me a second I am going to chug a Natty for my sorrows) . . . But Derrick Henry is not going to be a Top 5 fantasy football back in 2018 and I am going to lose 12 of my leagues because of that. I don't have no other way to say it other then "I -- The Informer -- was wrong."

#ThatsWhyTheyCallMeTheMisInformer!!!

Q: Hey Informer your twitter feed sucks. Like really bad. Seriously, when the hell are you going to stop doing "Twitter Poll Tournaments" and just delete your account?

What you just said literally has nothing to do with gambling, and is not really even a question, but I'll answer it anyways: In the immortal words of Nick Saban, "I'm not going to, so quit asking."

Q: Who are the best bets to be in the NFL Final Four?

NFC: Rams & Eagles

AFC: Patriots & Chiefs

Q: Who is going to win the Rookie of the Year?

If I had to bet after three weeks my top five favorites would be (in order and offense only): Barkley, Baker, Ridley, Josh "Torpedo Canon" Allen & that Lindsay dude from the Donkeys.  

Q: What about the MVP? 

My top five MVP bets would be (in order): Mahomes, Goff, Rodgers, Brees & Brady. 

Remember, I am not saying "who was the MVP through three weeks." I am saying "if I was going to make a wager on who will eventually win the 2018 NFL MVP" this would be my order. 

So in this case I took Mahomes and Goff because they have been awesome through three weeks, but I am also sticking with Rodgers and Brady because once they right the ship they will be in the conversation. And of course, if Brees throws for 5,000 yards and leads the Saints to a top seed in the NFC,  the voters may finally have to throw him an MVP bone.  

Q: Hey Informer if you had to bet would you take flat or round?

Is this a flat Earth gambling question? 

I am not going to lie . . . I don't know if this means the blog has reached a new high, or a new low? Either way, it is obviously time to move onto The Informer's Week 4 NFL Picks. 

(Informer pre-picks disclaimer: These picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The N.F. Informer is strictly prohibited.)

Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots (-6.5)

The New England Patriots are my Lion King Lock of the Week. In the words of Forrest Gump: "That is all I gotta say about that."

Pick: Pats (-6.5)


Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts (PK)

Whenever you have two crappy teams playing against each other you always take the points, the better quarterback or the home team. In this case taking the points (aka picking a team to win) means you take the home team with the better quarterback. 

Pick: Colts (PK)


Cincinnati Bengals @ Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)

Buffalo Bills @ Green Bay Packers (-9.5)

I want the Bills and Bengals to win on Sunday. Therefore I am betting the Packers and Falcons. There is no reasoning other than I am trying a reverse jinx (for the teams I want to win) while also hoping to win money betting on the two teams that I think are going to cover. 

Pick: Packers (-9.5)  Falcons (-3.5)


Detroit Lions @ Dallas Cowboys (-2.5)

Literally the dumbest thing a NFL gambler can do is take any road team coming off of a monumentous Sunday Night Football upset win over Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. That team is 100% due for the biggest letdown in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!!!

In other news, I am grabbing the points and taking the Detroit Lions on the road one week after they just completed a Monumentous upset of Tom Brady and the New England Patriots on Sunday Night football. 

What could go wrong?

Pick: Lions (+2.5)


Cleveland Browns @ Oakland Raiders (-2.5)

The Browns are undefeated against the spread, they have Baker freaking Mayfield playing quarterback and dating back to 2008 John Gruden has now lost seven straight NFL games that he coached. 

Give me the points and give me the Browns. 

Pick: Browns (+2.5)


Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Chicago Bears (-3)

Not to beat a dead coach into the ground, but that literally means since the last time Jon Gruden won a game as an NFL head coach The Informer has drank roughly 41,600 Natty Lights (about 80 a week). 

#That has to be some kind of record . . . The losses over a 10 year span, not the Natties. #We all know Boggs put that record out of reach for any normal human. 

Pick: Da Bears (-3)

New York Jets @ Jacksonville Jags (-7.5)

I have zero intent on discussing this open stab wound of a football game, so instead here are this week's Blimpie Best memes of the Week:

Not gonna lie I chuckled a little #ClassicFlagsOnClay . . .

Gump makes me laugh, but this next one was my favorite . . .

Pick: Jags (-7.5)


Philadelphia Eagles @ Tennessee Titans (+3)

Smart money says I am supposed to take the home underdog, but The Informer's money is going to be taking the "I now have one game under my belt and its time to return to MVP form" Carson Wentz only giving three points to a Titans team that literally does not have a healthy quarterback on their roster. 

Pick: Eagles (-3)


Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals (+3)

Somehow despite not being a good NFL team, the Seattle HGHawks are about to be 2-2 after four weeks and officially "lingering" as a team to be messed with later in the season. 

And, well, I think the Cardinals suck.

Pick: HGHawks (-3)


San Francisco 49ers @ San Diego Chargers (-10)

Sooooo . . . The 49ers season is completely over and I -- like everyone else in Murica -- am taking the Chargers in both of my "pick a winner" NFL polls on Sunday. Which of course means the 49ers are probably going to win the game outright, or at the very least, magically cover the double digit spread while making me sweat out Natty Lights like a drunken Informer in Church. 

Pick: 49ers (+10)


New Orleans Saints @ New York Giants (+3)

The last two times these teams played the Giants won by three at home and lost by three on the road. Which leads me to believe that this game will finish with a three point differential. That means the best bet on Sunday is to grab the points and hope the Giants offense shows up for the second straight week. 

(The Informer note - The Saints are also on their second straight road game and coming off of a huge division win, which in the NFL is code for "due for a letdown".)

Pick: Giants (+3)


Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-3) 

I have no actual evidence to back this statement up, but I am pretty sure that every single Ravens-Steelers game in the history of this flat Earth has been decided by three points or fewer. So, since The Informer's made up scientific history says this will be a three point game, I will be betting the Steelers (because I think they will win) and grabbing myself a kissing you're cousin push on Sunday Night Football.

Pick: Steelers (-3)


Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Donkeys (+4)

I will not bet against the phenomenal A.J. Styles Patrick Mahomes in his first Monday Night Football game start . . . I will not bet against the phenomenal A.J. Styles Patrick Mahomes in his first Monday Night Football game start . . . I will not bet against the phenomenal A.J. Styles Patrick Mahomes in his first Monday Night Football game start . . . I will not bet against the phenomenal A.J. Styles Patrick Mahomes in his first Monday Night Football game start . . . I will not bet against the phenomenal A.J. Styles Patrick Mahomes in his first Monday Night Football game start . . . I will not bet against the phenomenal A.J. Styles Patrick Mahomes in his first Monday Night Football game start!!!

Do we all understand what The Informer is trying to say?

Pick: Chiefs (-4)

THE INFORMER AFTER THE BLOG NOTE: Here is my proof of Thursday Night Football pick:

Give me Rams -7 and 1st half under 24.5 #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 27, 2018

The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 3

Here are The Informer's Week 3 2018 NFL Picks. As always please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The N.F. Informer is strictly prohibited.

New York Jets @ Cleveland Browns (Browns -3)

Five things I learned from the Browns first ever NFL victory:

1. The 1st half under in Primetime is back (it is now 6-2 on the year)
2. Hue Jackson has to watch more film before announcing a starting QB.
3. Hue Jackson needs to be fired/drug tested if he watches said film and benches Baker Mayfield.
4. The Browns are a legit playoff contender with Baker Mayfield.
5. And finally, I learned that #ClassicJohnMaddenMemes never get old:

Anyways, putting classic John Madden aside, here is The Informer's proof of Thursday night pick tweet:

Im taking the Browns -3 and the 1st half under 20 points #TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 20, 2018

Pick: Browns (-3) 1st Half Under 20 (Winner Winner)


Indianapolis Colts @ Philadelphia Eagles (-7)

I am taking the Colts and grabbing the points in this game for a few reasons: 1) The Eagles have zero healthy wide receivers. 2) They are starting someone named Clement at running back. 3) Their QB is playing his first game since tearing an ACL (there will be rust). 4) Frank Reich used to coach for the Eagles now coaches for the Colts (insider information). 5) And finally because I never bet against Andrew Luck when his side arm is locked, healthy and loaded. 

Pick: Colts (+7)


Cincinnati Bengals @ Carolina Panthers (-3)

As a person who would like the Bengals to move to 3-0 on Sunday I am going to do the only logical thing when it comes to this game: I am going to max bet the Panthers (-3). I am going to place the Panthers in every single parlay, teaser and NFL Super Picks contest I am in. And of course I am going to make them my Lion King Lock of the Week (which is 0-2 on the season). 

#How is that for an Informer Jinx? #GoAJGreen #TheSickness #BengalsDey

Pick: LKLOTW Panthers (-3)


New Orleans Saints @ Atlanta Falcons (-2)

Dear Atlanta Falcons coaching staff, 

Julio Jones has went seven straight regular season games without catching a touchdown. Will you please do something to change this?

Sincerely,

Everyone who watches football and is completely flabbergasted by the fact that you can't find a way to get one of the greatest wide receivers to ever play the game of football a touchdown. 

Pick: Falcons (-2)


Denver Donkeys @ Baltimore Ravens (-5.5)

New York Giants @ Houston Texans (-6)

Oakland Raiders @ Miami Dolphins (-3)

The NFL gambling rules clearly say that when you have mediocre/complete garbage teams playing against each other you always take the points. 

Pick: Donkeys (+5.5), Giants (+6) & Raiders (+3)


Tennessee Titans @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-9.5)

My totally fake and made up bookie does not have a line on this game so we are going to have to use the lines from the Las Vegas Super picks contest which was set at (-9.5) in favor of the Jags.

Now, as you are going to see in a few paragraphs with my Green Bay Packers pick, this game is totally contingent on whether or not the starting quarterback plays. So my pick is this: If Marcus Mariota starts I am taking the Titans (+9.5), but if Mariota is ruled out I will be betting the Jags (-9.5). 

In other words, this will be a last minute game time betting decision. Just remember Mariota yes, bet Titans. Mariota no, bet Jags. 

Pick: Mariota Yes Titans (+9.5) Mariota No Jags (-9.5)


Green Bay Packers @ Washington (+3)

Aaron Rodgers yes, bet Packers. Aaron Rodgers no, bet Washington.

Pick: Rodgers Yes Packers (-3) Rodgers No Washington (+3)


Buffalo Bills @ Minnesota Vikings (-17)

I have literally zero logic behind what I am about to say, and I know I am probably going to go straight to hell for doing it, but I am grabbing the points and betting Josh "The Torpedo Missile" Allen and Buffalo Bills on Sunday. 

Pick: Bills (+17)


San Francisco 49ers @ Kansas City Chiefs (-6.5)

Los Angeles Chargers @ Los Angeles Rams (-7)

Chicago Bears @ Arizona Cardinals (+6)

I am going to ride the Chiefs, Rams, Bears heater until she bucks me (fyi - all three teams are 2-0 against the spread this season). And since that is all I got to say about that, how about we hand out this week's Blimpies Best memes of the Week?

Poor Sam Bradford, dude just can't catch an injury break. 

That cigarette 😆😆😆😆😅😅

#ClassicKD #😂😂😂😂 #YesIJustUsedACryingLaughEmojiTwice #YesTheBlogHasReachedANewLow

Pick: Chiefs (-6.5) Rams (-7) Bears (-6)


Dallas Cowboys @ Seattle HGHless Hawks (-1.5)

Since I have nothing to say about this game, here are 14 random facts/tidbits/Randy Moss stats about Week 3 of the 2018 NFL Season that I wanted to share:

1. Eli Manning (52,185) leads Big Ben (51,852) by 333 career passing yards.
2. This week Ryan Fitzpatrick needs 98 yards passing to pass Chad Morton, 118 yards to pass Ken Stabler, 178 yards passing to pass Terry Bradshaw and 380 yards to pass Ron Jaworski on the all-time list. 
3. Tom Brady and Drew Brees both have 493 career touchdown passes. 
4. Brett Favre is second all-time with 508 TD passes.
5. Peyton Manning is first with 539 TD passes.
6. In 49 career games Odell Beckham has 38 touchdown receptions. 
7. In his last 49 games Julio Jones has 13 touchdown receptions.
8. In his last 49 games Matt Ryan has 76 touchdown passes and only 13 of them went to Julio "seriously how can this guy not get a touchdown ever" Jones. 
9. Patrick Mahomes is on pace to throw 80 Touchdowns.
10. For those scoring at home, that would be an NFL record.
11. Raise your had if you thought Matt "Breida Mode", Joe Mixon, Phillip Lindsay, Lamar Miller & James Conner would be the five best "yards per game" running backs through 2 weeks of the NFL season?
12. If your hand is raised you are a liar. 
13. Did you know that on September 23, 2007 Randy Moss caught 5 passes for 115 yards and 2 touchdowns in a Patriots 38-7 win over Trent "The Cannon" Edwards and the Buffalo Bills?
14. And finally, I am going to bet the HGHless Hawks on Sunday.

Pick: Seattle (-1.5)


New England Patriots @ Detroit Lions (+7)

Everyone say it with me,

Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . Tom Brady in Primetime coming off of a loss . . . TOM BRADY IN PRIMETIME COMING OFF OF A LOSS!!!

Are we all on the same page?

Pick: Patriots (-7) & 1st half under (27)


Pittsburgh Steelers @ Tampa Bay (PK)

As the old saying goes: "Fool me once, shame on you . . . Fool me twice, shame on me . . . Fool me three times, then I am just a drunken idiot who lost all his money betting against Ryan Fitz-magic."

Pick: Steelers (PK)