For those of you that are new to this blog my name is The Informer. I am an overweight middle aged man with a Natty Light problem who watches too much football and loves to gamble. I am also someone who has picked over 50% correct against the spread on NFL games in nine of the last 11 seasons.
Which brings us to why we are here today: Simply put, me and you (aka the readers) are here to make money illegally (and technically in some countries now legally) betting on NFL games while hopefully getting "Jay Culter Wasted" and having a few laughs.
So what is about to happen is I am going to go through every game from Week 1 of the 2018 NFL Season and pick who I think is going to cover the spread (this is not who I think is going to win, this is who is going to "cover" the point spread). And then you the reader will in turn use the information I provided to place illegal wagers and win tons of money.
It literally is that easy.
I watch the football, then I provide the expert winning picks, then you win a stuff ton of money. It is a no lose situation for everyone involved as long as I continue to be one of the best NFL handicappers on the internet (which obviously is going to happen); you keep using the information provided to place wagers (again if you are reading it will happen); and of course the FBI does not arrest any of us for committing illegal acts of gaming (I am not sure that can legally happen in Murica. Can it?).
(The Informer note - I am of course just kidding about making illegal wagers. This is a satire column that provides information/picks that should only be used for recreational purposes. In no way does The Informer, my family, or anyone who believes in Tim Tebow --condone breaking of the law. Seriously, please do not use the picks below to wrongfully make thousands of millions of dollars this season. That would be immoral and illegal.)
Anyways, which means please stop interrupting me with legalities while I am drinking my Natties, now that we all know the basics about why we are here: How about we get to The Informer's Week 1 2018 NFL Picks?
Atlanta Falcons @ Philadelphia Eagles (PK)
Here is The Informer's proof of Thursday Night pick Tweet:
Im taking the Falcons (Pick Em) and the the 1st Half Under 22.5 #TNFBets #FootballIsBack #FlyFalconsFly— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 6, 2018
Pick: Falcons (Loss) 1st Half Under (Win)
San Francisco 49ers @ Minnesota Vikings (-6)
Is it just me, or does it just feel right starting year 11 off with a fun "Randy Moss is a 1st ballot NFL Hall of Famer fact" that involves both the Minnesota Vikings and the San Francisco 49ers?
Did you know that 20 years ago to the day on September 9th, 1998 the great Randy Moss debuted as an NFL rookie catching four passes for 95 yards and two touchdowns (both passes from Brad Johnson) while leading the Minnesota Vikings to a 31-7 victory over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers?
Did you also know that six years ago to the day on September 9th, 2012 the great Randy Moss played in his last opening day game catching four passes for 47 yards and one touchdown (from Alex Smith) while leading the San Francisco 49ers to a 30-22 victory over the Green Bay Packers?
"Hey Informer why in the hell are you still blabbing on about Randy Moss? The dude has literally zero to do with this game on Sunday. Could you please for once in your miserable life just do your job and tell us who is going win the Jimmy G vs the former Washington quarterback match up?"
Does that mean you all don't want to hear about how 11 years ago to the day on September 9th, 2007 the great Randy Moss debuted with the New England Patriots catching nine passes for 181 yards and one touchdown while setting the tone for the Pats to become the only team in NFL history to finish a regular season 16-0?
No?
Are you sure?
Okay, fine. If you insist here is my breakdown of the present day 49ers-Vikings game: I am taking the 49ers because Jimmy G has covered in all five of his starts as a 49ers QB so I am going to ride his covering trend until he bucks me.
Pick: 49ers (+6.5)
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cleveland Browns (+3.5)
I am not going to pick the Browns . . . I am not going to pick the Browns . . . I am not going to pick the Browns . . . I am not going to pick the Browns . . . I am not going to pick the Browns.
F***!!!
Am I really gonna pick the Browns?
Would someone please go get me 6-12 more Natties?
#ThisCantBeReal
Pick: Browns (+3.5)
Cincinnati Bengals @ Indianapolis Colts (-2)
Here are five "Bold" Informer predictions involving these two teams:
- AJ Green will have 1500+ yards and at least 12 TDs this season.
- Andrew Luck will finish Top 5 MVP, and Top 3 fantasy quarterbacks.
- Joe Mixon is going to rush for more than 1,300 yards.
- Both of these teams are going to go over their Vegas projected win totals (Over/Under for each team is 7 wins).
- Both of these teams are going to make the Playoffs this season.
Pick: Bengals (+2)
Buffalo Bills @ Baltimore Ravens (-7.5)
If I watch a single minute of this "2nd floor of a big city apartment fire" the NFL is trying to pass of as an actual abortion; I swear I will give up drinking Natty Light for at least six to seven hours.
Of course, since I am not going to watch this apartment fire, think about this apartment fire, or make any other remarks about this 2nd floor of a big city apartment fire: I figured now would be the perfect time to hand out the Week 1 Blimpies Best meme of the Week:
#ClassicSmokingJayWinsTheInternetAgain.
Pick: Ravens (-7.5)
Jacksonville Jaguars @ New York Giants (+3)
Speaking of not caring . . . I don't care if he did almost beat Tom Brady in the AFC Championship game; the gambling rules still clearly state that a person should never, not even if their is a big city 2nd floor apartment fire, bet on Blake Bortles as a road favorite.
Again, I did not make these rules, I just follow them because I like being right.
Pick: New York Giants (+3)
Houston Texans @ New England Patriots (-6)
"Hey Informer what are these so called rules you speak of?"
You know what? That is a very good question. Sometimes I forget that new people may be reading this blog and not have a full grasp on "Informer drunken gambling 101". Let me try to help y'all understand better by listing 10 of the most hard-fast rules that I follow every single time I place a wager (unless of course I have a "feeling"):
- Never bet Blake Bortles as a road favorite.
- Always bet Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers in Primetime.
- Always bet the 1st half under in primetime.
- When two shitty teams are playing, take the points.
- The Browns suck and only a drunken idiot who wants to lose all his money would bet them against Ben Roethlisberger who is 11-2 as a starter in Browns stadium.
- The Rams are going to be great, bet them while you can.
- When in doubt, take the best quarterback.
- Did I mention Tom Brady?
- If 80% of the public is betting one way, you bet the other way. Don't ask questions.
- And finally, when all else fails, get "Jay Cutler Wasted" and bet with reckless abandon.
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans Saints (-10)
I am taking the New Orleans Saints in all five of my NFL survivor polls. Which of course means the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are going to some how win on Sunday. Which also of course means a smart person -- and if you are reading this blog we know you are the smartest of the smart - - would grab the 10 points and laugh their way to the bookies office.
Pick: Tampa Bay (+10)
Tennessee Titans @ Miami Dolphins (+1)
If someone said "Hey Informer what do you love more: Derrick Henry or Blimpies?" I would obviously say Blimpies. But I am not gonna lie, I would have to think about it for a split second. That is how great I think the beast from Alabama is going to be this year. In fact, I have so much faith in Henry rushing for 1,700 yards this season that I am going to make the Tennessee Titans my Week 1 Lion King Lock of the Week.
Lock it in.
Pick: LKLOTW Titans (-1)
Kansas City Chiefs @ Los Angeles Chargers (-3.5)
Q: What did the Chargers defense say when the Chiefs quarterback fell on top of them?
A: Get off of me Mahomes . . . #
With literally zero context behind it, this joke slays me every time.
#LongLiveMahomes
Pick: Chiefs (+3.5)
Seattle Seahawks @ Denver Broncos (-3)
Dallas Cowboys @ Carolina Panthers (-3)
Washington Redskins @ Arizona Cardinals (-1.5)
As the rules say, when in doubt always take the team with the better quarterback.
Pick: Seahawks (+3) Panthers (-3) & Washington (-1.5)
Chicago Bears @ Green Bay Packers (-7)
Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . .Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . .Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . Aaron Rodgers at home in Primtime . . . AARON RODGERS AT HOME IN PRIMETIME!!!
I hope I am not being to subtle with this one.
Pick: Packers (-7)
New York Jets @ Detroit Lions (-6.5)
A New York Jets rookie quarterback on the road during Monday Night Football in his first ever NFL game and he is giving less than a touchdown? Am I being Punk'd right now? Is Ashton Kutcher running a prank on me? Do people remember Punk'd? Or who Ashton Kutcher is? How many questions about Ashton Kutcher is too many before the readers stop reading this blog? Is there any chance in hell there are still people reading? Should I post a link to a Pam Anderson having marital relations video just to see if anyone is still here? Do people still watch videos like that? Hell, do people still know who Pam Anderson is? Maybe I should go with a Paris Hilton video? Then again, do people still know who Paris Hilton is?
"Dear Gawd Informer . . . Please no more questions. Just give us your pick and wrap this thing up."
Okay, as I said above, I am taking the Lions (-6.5) because I don't think Ashton Kutcher exists anymore. Which means there is no way this is a prank. Instead it is a gift sent straight from the Gambling Tebow's to make us all rich.
Pick: Lions (-6.5)
Los Angeles Rams @ Oakland Raiders (+4)
Follow the rules and bet the Rams now before it is too late.
Pick: Rams (-4)
That is all folks. Merry NFL Sunday Funday Christmas. May your day be filled with winning parlays, Natty Lights and all the Blimpies money can buy.
See you next week.
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