The Informer's 2015 NFL Picks: Week 3

After picking 11-5 against the spread in Week 2 of the 2015 NFL Season, The Informer is once again ready to make the people money. So with John Football Clipboard hand gestures on the mind, let’s crack those Natties and get right to Week 3 of The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks Challenge.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-3.5)

Here is the deal folks; only an absolute moron would pick Kirk Cousins on the road in Prime-time against an 0-2 Giants team that was playing for their season. So if you know someone who was actually dumb enough to bet Kirk "INT" Cousins last night, you have The Informer’s permission to kick that d-bag squarely in the gonads.

Trust me, they deserve it.

For everyone's information . .. The Informer is taking Washington +3.5 tonight and also riding the first half under #FirstHalfUnderIs6-1

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 24, 2015

Before we wrap this game up, here is The Informer’s Week 3 stat of the day: Did you know through his first 15 NFL games the great Randy Moss had 64 receptions for 1,281 yards and 16 TDs (an NFL record for TDs through 15 games)? Did you also know through his first 15 NFL games the "ODB" Odell Beckham Jr. has 110 receptions for 1,574 yards (an NFL record for receptions & yards through 15 games) and 14 TDs?

Just saying; enjoy what you are watching in New York, because right now it is pure greatness in the making.

Pick: Skins (+3.5)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ ST LOUIS RAMS (+1.5)

Speaking of greatness: Antonio Brown is on pace for 144 receptions 2,624 yards and 16 TDs. Now it would be absurd to think Brown can keep this up (164 yards a game is ridiculous), but if he is able to keep up a semi-pace – like say 120 yards a games – than he would become the first NFL receiver to reach 2,000 yards in a single season. Again, it is early in the season, but with this Pittsburgh offense, and the greatness of Brown, it is not out of the realm of possibility, right?

As for the gambling portion of this game; since the line is a tossup, The Informer has no choice but to bet against 85% of the public.

Pick: Rams (+1.5)

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-2.5)

The last time Adrian Peterson played the San Diego Chargers at home was in 2007 and this happened . . .



So yea . . . The Informer is betting Adrian Peterson on Sunday.

Pick: Vikings (-2.5)

TAMPA BAY @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-6.5)

Do we really live in a world where Ryan Mallet and the Houston Texans are favored by 6.5 points even though they are playing without Arian Foster and possibly DeAndre Hopkins (he was undergoing concussion treatment on Thursday)?

Give The Informer the points and the rookie quarterback on the road against J.J. Watt. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Pick: Tampa Bay (+6.5)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (+2)

Gambling rule #700: If the spread is less than three and you have the chance to bet against Brandon Weeden –YOU ALWAYS BET AGAINST BRANDON WEEDEN!!!

Pick: Falcons (-2)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ NEW YORK JETS (-2.5)

The Informer is going to lose so much money this season betting against the New York Jets #EventuallyRyanFitzpatrickWillRealizeHeIsRyanFitzpatrick.

Pick: Eagles (+2.5)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ CAROLINA PANTEHRS (-4.5)

Shhhhh . . . Be very very quiet. We don’t want to let Vegas know the Panthers and Cam Newton, despite playing without wide receivers, are actually a really good team.

Pick: Panthers (-4.5)

CINNCINATI BENGALS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-2.5)

There is no way on Tebow's Green Earth that the red headed gunslinger is going to make history by handing the Ravens their first 0-3 start in the history of Harbaugh, right?

Pick: Bengals (+2.5)

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (-3.5)

Things The Informer would rather do than have to watch this game: Excersice; eat right; stop drinking Natties; check my cholesterol; shave my you know what parts with a Rambo knife; give up Blimpies; smoke crack with Lawrence Taylor (allegedly); trade places with Andy Dufrane during that time when "The Sisters" took a liking to him; break into Edward Norton's house in the middle of the night; cross the streams; have unprotected carnal relations with Jenny Gump; take a right hook from Mike Tyson; stab my eye out with a soldering iron; drink milk from a saucer; watch every episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians; and finally, bet against 5X NFL MVP Peyton Manning in Prime-time.

In other words, this game sucks donkey balls.

Pick: Raiders (+3.5)

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-6.5)

The Informer has no idea which 49ers team is going to show up. Is it the team that played flawless "run and play defense first" football in Week 1? Or will it be the dumpster fire that got boat-raced out of Pittsburgh in Week 2?

Since we can't predict which 49ers team we are getting, The Informer has to go with the surest team in the NFL. Also, there is the whole never, even if there is a fire, bet against Bruce Arians thing.

Pick: Cardinals (-6.5)

(The Informer after the pick stat – Last week, after his first career three TD game, Larry Fitzgerald became just the 10th receiver to join the 12,000 yard 90 TD club. The "Original Predator" is now forever linked with; Randy Moss, Jerry Rice, Chris Carter, Terrell Owens, Marvin Harrison, Tim Brown, Issac Bruce, Tony Gonzalez and the great Steve Largent.)

INDANAPOLIS COLTS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (+3)

The Informer: "Hey Andrew Luck, will you please eat a Snickers?"

Andrew Luck: "Why?"

The Informer: "Because you play like a drunk Jay Cutler when you are hungry."

Seriously, Andrew Luck has been "Jay Cutler" awful through two games this season. Don’t worry though, that trend is not going to continue. It was just a byproduct of the greatest young QB in NFL history getting to know his new teammates (Frank Gore & Andre Johnson), some horrible "Pep Hamilton System" play calling (Stop trying to be a run first pound the ball offense . . . For the love of Tebow you have freaking Andrew Luck as your quarterback . . . F***ING USE HIM!!!) and of course the fact the Colts have played two of the 10 best defenses in the NFL.

Going 0-2 under those conditions could happen to anyone. That all stops this week though as Luck rights the ship and starts the march to his fourth straight 11 win season.

Pick: Colts (-3)

CHICAGO BEARS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-14.5)

What a dilemma. Should The Informer follow the "two touchdown underdog rule" or the "always bet against Jimmy Clausen on the road against a desperate 0-2 Seattle team during the same week that Cam Chancellor returns to the lineup no matter how big the spread is rule"?

This really is a hard one.

"Hey Informer, did you hear that unnamed sources have confirmed that HGH sales (allegedly) have reached an all-time high in the Seattle area this past week?"

No figment of The Informer’s imagination, I had not heard that obviously concrete fact (allegedly) about the Seattle area. Talk about a game changer. Now, are we sure it was HGH and not just over the counter non performance enhancing Adderall so Seattle could study better?

Either way, if Seattle is going to be laser-focused in their home opener than there really is only one way to bet this game.

Pick: Seattle (-14.5)

BUFFALO BILLS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-3)

Ace Ventura, would you like to say a few words about this game?



Well said Ace.

As for the pick, The Informer is backing the home team while preparing for a push (this is going to be a last second field goal game).

Pick: Dolphins (-3)

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-13.5)

The NFL gambling rules clearly state whenever a team is getting two touchdowns, you bet the dog. You don’t ask questions, you just do it. And since The Informer already ignored this rule once, there is no choice but to back the Jags on the road against Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski.

"Holy f***ing s**t Informer . . . Will you please re-read that last sentence. You just said to bet Blake Bortles on the road against Tom Brady during Tom Brady's 'I am pissed at the NFL and going to win the 2015 NFL MVP Award in spite season.' Seriously, picking the Jags this week maybe the dumbest most idiotic thing you have ever done. Take it back right now before I have to threaten your life you fat-fat moron."

Listen, for the bottom of The Informer's black liver "I apologize" and take it all back. The Informer had one too many Bortles & James wine coolers and one thing led to another. I know that things were said and for that "I am sorry." It was wrong and it will never happen again. The Informer promises. And so we are all clear, there is no way in the bluest of blue hells The Informer is going to bet against Tom Brady this weekend. The above sentence was one drunken mistake. Nothing more.

Pick: Patriots (-13.5)

DENVER BRONCOS @ DETROIT LIONS (+3)

Everyone say it with me . . .

5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME !!!

Somebody please get Simba on the phone, because The Informer just found his Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Donkeys (-3)

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-6.5)

Everyone say it with me . . .

2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME!!!

Pick: Packers (-6.5)

Have a great Week 3 everyone. May it be filled with Blimpies, Natty Lights and enough winning parlays to buy dem apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fur.



#NFLPicks #FloRida #WinnerWinnerBlimpiesDinner

The Informer's 2015 NFL Picks: Week 2

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Week 2 of The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks Challenge. After one week of gambling, The Informer is off to a solid 9-6-1 (56%) record against the spread. Obviously, The Informer is thrilled with his 9-6-1 start, but there were still mistakes that could have been avoided (like betting Jacksonville at home) that would have made Week 1 even more lucrative. Never fear though, The Informer promises he has learned from said mistakes and rest assured they will never happen again.

Now before we begin today, The Informer needs to point out that last week Vegas took it on the chin when it came to NFL betting. The Informer does not remember the exact number (I am way to lazy to look it up), but thanks to public favorites like Green Bay and Miami covering, the people in Vegas were not able to build a new Casino.

The Informer is pointing this out to remind everyone that Vegas does not enjoy when they are unable to build new Casinos. They hate it even more when the reason they can't build said new Casino is because they had to give random people tons of money.

So because last week Vegas took such a beating, The Informer wants to warn the public bettor to be prepared for a topsy-turvy Week 2 where unexpected stuff happens (FYI – 70% of the public betting K.C. last night knows exactly what The Informer is talking about).

On that note, let’s crack open the Natties and make some money.

DENVER BRONCOS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-3)

(The Informer note – Here is what I wrote Thursday morning before kickoff between the Denver Broncos and the Kansas City Chiefs.)

"Hey Informer, it is time to give up the charade. Your boy Peyton ‘noodle arm’ Manning is officially done. Please don’t try and defend him either. We all watched it last Sunday against the Ravens. The dude can no longer play football. Admit it, he is D.O.N.E . . . DONE!!!"

Guys, I am not going to lie to you –last week was ugly. Manning looked lost, confused, bewildered, bald, downtrodden, constipated at times, upset and ancy in his pancy. However you want to describe it, the fact is the greatest regular season quarterback ever played like a flaming bag of dumpster fire shit.

But here is the thing; even though Manning played poorly, The Informer will never say he is done. You can call me stupid, naïve, or a dreamer; but The Informer refuses to live in a world where the 5X NFL MVP Peyton Manning is no longer the 5X NFL MVP Peyton Manning.

So until they pull Peyton Manning’s lifeless football corpse from my dead cold fingers, The Informer is going to keep riding the Manning ship even if it is heading to the bottom of the Ocean. And that ride continues Thursday night with The Informer making Peyton Manning -- who is getting points in prime-time against a team he has beaten eight straight games -- the Lion King Lock of the Week.

The 5X NFL MVP is not done folks.

Pick: LKLOTW Donkeys (+3)

(The Informer note – Here is what I wrote after watching the Broncos insane 31-24 come-from behind victory over the Chiefs.)

Okay The Informer really has to ask: What in the hell is Gary Kubiak doing? Why is he hell bent on making the 5X NFL MVP a roll out of the pocket and throw on the run quarterback? Seriously, has Kubiak watched football for the past three years? Peyton Manning does not win football games by huddling after every single play while the defense catches their breath. Peyton Manning wins football games by upping the tempo, slinging laser rocket ducks from the shotgun and keeping the defense on their toes by applying constant pressure with audibles and play calls from the line of scrimmage.

Bascially, Manning has won the past three years by playing quarterback chess while the opposing defenses are stuck playing par-cheesy.

So what does Coach Kubiak ? He tries to turn "Mr. 7000" into a regular quarterback by making him huddle after every play (which also allows the defense a chance to huddle) and by making a 39-year old man, who has had four neck surgeries, throw ridiculous bootleg passes.

Folks, please re-read that last sentence. The Broncos new genius coach is making Peyton Manning do naked bootlegs. Again, we are talking about Peyton Manning, a guy who can barely walk, let alone run naked bootleg passes that force him to make throws on the run.

It does not make any f****** sense.

And please don’t start in with the "well, Manning does not have it anymore" bullshit. For those making that argument here is my question: Did you see what happened when the Broncos went no huddle for the first time last night and let Manning call the plays at the line? They scored. Then, did you see what happened when Manning needed to drive 80-yards in one minute to tie the game? Manning went 80-yards and tied the damn game.

Listen, the point of all of this is simple: If you let Manning be Manning, the greatest regular season quarterback in the history of football is going to be great. We have seen it for the last three years and we saw it again last night.

Now someone just needs to explain to Gary Kubiak that when you have a quarterback named Peyton Manning you run whatever f****** system Peyton Manning wants to run. You don’t try to turn him into a shittier version of Matt Schaub.

Okay, now that we got the Gary Kubiak "three and out system" covered, here are five more thoughts from Thursday Night’s miracle Denver win.

5. Chiefs rookie cornerback Marcus Peters is going to be an All-Pro sooner rather than later.

4. Thanks to Justin Houston, DeMarcus Ware and Von Miller; The Informer can say for the first time ever that he really enjoyed watching defenses play football. Those three dudes are a sight to be seen when rushing the passer.

3. C.J. Anderson is the reason The Informer would rather pick one of the stud quarterbacks (like Aaron Rodgers) when it comes to the back end of the first round of fantasy drafts.

2. The Informer knows we already covered this, but what kind of a coach builds an offense that does not focus on getting the ball into Emmanuel Sanders and Demaryius Thomas’ hands?

1. If both the Broncos and Chiefs are not in the playoffs come January, The Informer will be absolutely shocked.

HOUSTON TEXANS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3)

Gambling rules clearly state that you never, not even if there was a fire, bet Ryan Mallet on the road.

Pick: Panthers (-3)

TENNESSEE TITANS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+1)

Did you know Jim Brown and Earl Campbell are the only players who have won the NFL MVP during their rookie seasons? The Informer is just throwing that out there. There is no reason at all. I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that impressive little tidbit about NFL history. Again, it is pure coincidence The Informer put it here in the Titans sections.

Anyways, which means please do not interrupt while The Informer is fitting Marcus Mariota for his Gold Jacket, when it comes to gambling on this game, The Informer feels like we have to point out the fact that this line started at Cleveland (-2) and has since moved all the way to Tennessee (-1).

For those who do not know, this type of line movement means every single bet being placed is on a rookie quarterback playing on the road for the first time. In other words, "RED FLAGS!!!". So please beware and gamble with caution on this game.

Now with all of the "red flags" in consideration, The Informer will be putting Mariota in every one of his Super Picks Contests, SurvivorPolls, Three-Team Teasers, Straight Wagers and Parlays #MariotaForPresident #IfinallyHaveAnExcuseToWearMyMossTitansJersey #FreeCollegeForEveryone.

Pick: Titans (-1)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+1.5)

Did you all see Cardinals running back David Johnson’s first NFL TD?



Doesn't that look exactly like Adrian Peterson's first NFL TD?



#SkyIsTheLimit

As far as gambling on this game goes, The Informer is never going to bet against Bruce Arians again. It is not a smart financial decision. Also, since The Informer’s Lion King Lock of the Week was played before this article was published (The Informer did tweet out the Broncos pick), we are going to go ahead and make Carson Palmer and new Adrian Peterson the second Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Cardinals (-1.5)

Here is proof of said tweet . . .

Im taking the Broncos +3.5tonight under the well known rule that you never bet against 5X NFL MVP Peyton Manning in Prime-Time #FreeMoney

— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 17, 2015

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ CINNCINATTI BENGALS (-3)

Normally, The Informer would be all over the West Coast team flying to the East Coast for a noon game, but in this case that rule does not really apply because the Bengals spent last weekend on the West Coast; which means they are also technically flying West-to-East for this game.

So really this game comes down to who The Informer wants to root for. In this case, The Informer is going to root for "The Sickness" A.J. Green so he is going to be betting on "The Sickness" A.J. Green.

Also, Andy Dalton has won his last three home openers by an average of 10 points so that has to count for something.

Pick: Bengals (-3)

DETROIT LIONS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-3)

The Informer has one question about each of these two teams.

Lions: How in the hell does Calvin Johnson only have three passes thrown his direction?

Vikings: How in the hell does Adrian Peterson only get 10 carries in a game?

The team who decides to fix their above question this week is the team that will win this game.

Pick: Vikings (-3)

TAMPA BAY @ NEW ORLEANS (-10)

Here is The Informer’s brilliant rational for betting Tampa on the road: In Week 5 of the 2014 NFL Season the Tampa Bay Buccaneers went into the Super Dome as a double digit underdog and only lost by six points so we know they can cover a double digit spread.

Pretty sound reasoning, right (shaking head no).

In case you are not convinced, here is an actual logical reason to back Famous Jameis on the road:

86% of the public is betting the Saints. (Remember the whole Vegas and Casinos thingy?)

Pick: Tampa Bay (+10)

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+6)

Remember last week when The Informer made the mistake of betting the Jacksonville Jaguars at home? Yea . . . That will never happen again.

Pick: Jaguars (+6)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-2.5)

The Atlanta Falcons are going to win this game outright. Don’t be fooled by the close game last Sunday night, the New York Giants are terrible and will not be able to stop the high flying Atlanta offense.

Look for Julio Jones to continue his domination of the NFL with another 100-yard game while leading the Falcons to a double digit victory.

Pick: Falcons (+2.5)

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (+5.5)

The Informer has a little secret for anyone who did not stay up for the Monday Nightcap in Week 1: The San Francisco 49ers are going to be a tough team to play this season. They still have that hardcore run first offense (Carolos Hyde is a stud in the making), and even better, thanks to the return of Navarro Bowman, they still have their physical defense.

The Informer knows overreacting to the first week can be a slippery slope, but if Week 1 is any indication that means San Fran is going to be playing meaningful football late into the 2015 season.

Pick: 49ers (+5.5)

ST LOUIS RAMS @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (+3.5)

Kevin McCallister, can you please explain to the world how The Informer feels about this game?



Pick: Rams (-3.5)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ BUFFALO BILLS (+1)

The Informer can’t in good conscious pick Tyrod "The Cannon" Taylor over Tom Brady. Not when Brady is playing in "Show Goodell how my a** taste" mode.

Pick: Patriots (-1)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (+5.5)

If you are a person who would lay a bet on the Raiders in a game where Matt McGloin could be prominently involved, then you really need to call 1-800-BETSOFF.

Pick: Ravens (-5.5)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-5.5)

The Informer is going to jump on the points and hope "Mr Clutch" Tony Romo shows up again on Sunday.

Pick: Cowboys (+5.5)

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-3.5)

Can the defending NFC Champions really start the season 0-2? Will Aaron Rodgers finally beat Russell Wilson (he is 0-3 including playoffs)? Can the Packers erase the memory of the "Fail Mary", the "Opening Day Massacre", and the NFC Championship Game? Is Cam Chancelor really going to hold out for the next three seasons? Is James Jones Batman? Is Marcus Mariota going to be elected President? Is Marshawn Lynch’s mom going to be live tweeting this game with her feelings on the play calling? Speaking of play calling: How come the Seattle Seahawks can’t convert on fourth and one? I am the only one who is really excited for this game?

Ask you can see, The Informer has a lot of questions heading into Sunday night.

Pick: Packers (-3.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-7)

For everyone who is currently jumping off of the Colts 2015 bandwagon please keep this in mind: During Week 1 of the 2014 NFL Season the New England Patriots lost on the road 33-20 and yet they were still able to overcome the defeat to win the Super Bowl. Furthermore, in 2014 the Colts started the season 0-2, before rebounding to make a run to the AFC Title game.

So please, before you injure yourself jumping, remember that it is a long season and the Colts still have Andrew Luck.

In other words, they will be fine.

As for this game; under no circumstances will The Informer ever bet Ryan Fitzpatrick on the road against Andrew Luck in Prime-time. It does not matter how poor the Colts looked in Week 1, or how good the Jets played, there is nothing on the face of Tebow’s Green Earth that will ever make me call my fake bookie and say the words, "Give me the Harvard man".

Pick: Colts (-7)

Have a great Week 2. May it be filled with winning bets, lots of Natties and all the Blimpies you can handle. Now D.J. please hit The Informer's Week 2 music . . .



#BetItWhileTheBettinIsGood #TooShort #WinnerWinnerBlimpiesDinner