After picking 11-5 against the spread in Week 2 of the 2015 NFL Season, The Informer is once again ready to make the people money. So with John
WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-3.5)
Here is the deal folks; only an absolute moron would pick Kirk Cousins on the road in Prime-time against an 0-2 Giants team that was playing for their season. So if you know someone who was actually dumb enough to bet Kirk "INT" Cousins last night, you have The Informer’s permission to kick that d-bag squarely in the gonads.
Trust me, they deserve it.
For everyone's information . .. The Informer is taking Washington +3.5 tonight and also riding the first half under #FirstHalfUnderIs6-1
— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 24, 2015
Before we wrap this game up, here is The Informer’s Week 3 stat of the day: Did you know through his first 15 NFL games the great Randy Moss had 64 receptions for 1,281 yards and 16 TDs (an NFL record for TDs through 15 games)? Did you also know through his first 15 NFL games the "ODB" Odell Beckham Jr. has 110 receptions for 1,574 yards (an NFL record for receptions & yards through 15 games) and 14 TDs? Just saying; enjoy what you are watching in New York, because right now it is pure greatness in the making.
Pick: Skins (+3.5)
PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ ST LOUIS RAMS (+1.5)
Speaking of greatness: Antonio Brown is on pace for 144 receptions 2,624 yards and 16 TDs. Now it would be absurd to think Brown can keep this up (164 yards a game is ridiculous), but if he is able to keep up a semi-pace – like say 120 yards a games – than he would become the first NFL receiver to reach 2,000 yards in a single season. Again, it is early in the season, but with this Pittsburgh offense, and the greatness of Brown, it is not out of the realm of possibility, right?
As for the gambling portion of this game; since the line is a tossup, The Informer has no choice but to bet against 85% of the public.
Pick: Rams (+1.5)
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-2.5)
The last time Adrian Peterson played the San Diego Chargers at home was in 2007 and this happened . . .
So yea . . . The Informer is betting Adrian Peterson on Sunday.
Pick: Vikings (-2.5)
TAMPA BAY @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-6.5)
Do we really live in a world where Ryan Mallet and the Houston Texans are favored by 6.5 points even though they are playing without Arian Foster and possibly DeAndre Hopkins (he was undergoing concussion treatment on Thursday)?
Give The Informer the points and the rookie quarterback on the road against J.J. Watt. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
Pick: Tampa Bay (+6.5)
ATLANTA FALCONS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (+2)
Gambling rule #700: If the spread is less than three and you have the chance to bet against Brandon Weeden –YOU ALWAYS BET AGAINST BRANDON WEEDEN!!!
Pick: Falcons (-2)
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ NEW YORK JETS (-2.5)
The Informer is going to lose so much money this season betting against the New York Jets #EventuallyRyanFitzpatrickWillRealizeHeIsRyanFitzpatrick.
Pick: Eagles (+2.5)
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ CAROLINA PANTEHRS (-4.5)
Shhhhh . . . Be very very quiet. We don’t want to let Vegas know the Panthers and Cam Newton, despite playing without wide receivers, are actually a really good team.
Pick: Panthers (-4.5)
CINNCINATI BENGALS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-2.5)
There is no way on Tebow's Green Earth that the red headed gunslinger is going to make history by handing the Ravens their first 0-3 start in the history of Harbaugh, right?
Pick: Bengals (+2.5)
OAKLAND RAIDERS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (-3.5)
Things The Informer would rather do than have to watch this game: Excersice; eat right; stop drinking Natties; check my cholesterol; shave my you know what parts with a Rambo knife; give up Blimpies; smoke crack with Lawrence Taylor (allegedly); trade places with Andy Dufrane during that time when "The Sisters" took a liking to him; break into Edward Norton's house in the middle of the night; cross the streams; have unprotected carnal relations with Jenny Gump; take a right hook from Mike Tyson; stab my eye out with a soldering iron; drink milk from a saucer; watch every episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians; and finally, bet against 5X NFL MVP Peyton Manning in Prime-time.
In other words, this game sucks donkey balls.
Pick: Raiders (+3.5)
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-6.5)
The Informer has no idea which 49ers team is going to show up. Is it the team that played flawless "run and play defense first" football in Week 1? Or will it be the dumpster fire that got boat-raced out of Pittsburgh in Week 2?
Since we can't predict which 49ers team we are getting, The Informer has to go with the surest team in the NFL. Also, there is the whole never, even if there is a fire, bet against Bruce Arians thing.
Pick: Cardinals (-6.5)
(The Informer after the pick stat – Last week, after his first career three TD game, Larry Fitzgerald became just the 10th receiver to join the 12,000 yard 90 TD club. The "Original Predator" is now forever linked with; Randy Moss, Jerry Rice, Chris Carter, Terrell Owens, Marvin Harrison, Tim Brown, Issac Bruce, Tony Gonzalez and the great Steve Largent.)
INDANAPOLIS COLTS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (+3)
The Informer: "Hey Andrew Luck, will you please eat a Snickers?"
Andrew Luck: "Why?"
The Informer: "Because you play like a drunk Jay Cutler when you are hungry."
Seriously, Andrew Luck has been "Jay Cutler" awful through two games this season. Don’t worry though, that trend is not going to continue. It was just a byproduct of the greatest young QB in NFL history getting to know his new teammates (Frank Gore & Andre Johnson), some horrible "Pep Hamilton System" play calling (Stop trying to be a run first pound the ball offense . . . For the love of Tebow you have freaking Andrew Luck as your quarterback . . . F***ING USE HIM!!!) and of course the fact the Colts have played two of the 10 best defenses in the NFL.
Going 0-2 under those conditions could happen to anyone. That all stops this week though as Luck rights the ship and starts the march to his fourth straight 11 win season.
Pick: Colts (-3)
CHICAGO BEARS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-14.5)
What a dilemma. Should The Informer follow the "two touchdown underdog rule" or the "always bet against Jimmy Clausen on the road against a desperate 0-2 Seattle team during the same week that Cam Chancellor returns to the lineup no matter how big the spread is rule"?
This really is a hard one.
"Hey Informer, did you hear that unnamed sources have confirmed that HGH sales (allegedly) have reached an all-time high in the Seattle area this past week?"
No figment of The Informer’s imagination, I had not heard that obviously concrete fact (allegedly) about the Seattle area. Talk about a game changer. Now, are we sure it was HGH and not just over the counter non performance enhancing Adderall so Seattle could study better?
Either way, if Seattle is going to be laser-focused in their home opener than there really is only one way to bet this game.
Pick: Seattle (-14.5)
BUFFALO BILLS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-3)
Ace Ventura, would you like to say a few words about this game?
Well said Ace.
As for the pick, The Informer is backing the home team while preparing for a push (this is going to be a last second field goal game).
Pick: Dolphins (-3)
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-13.5)
The NFL gambling rules clearly state whenever a team is getting two touchdowns, you bet the dog. You don’t ask questions, you just do it. And since The Informer already ignored this rule once, there is no choice but to back the Jags on the road against Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski.
"Holy f***ing s**t Informer . . . Will you please re-read that last sentence. You just said to bet Blake Bortles on the road against Tom Brady during Tom Brady's 'I am pissed at the NFL and going to win the 2015 NFL MVP Award in spite season.' Seriously, picking the Jags this week maybe the dumbest most idiotic thing you have ever done. Take it back right now before I have to threaten your life you fat-fat moron."
Listen, for the bottom of The Informer's black liver "I apologize" and take it all back. The Informer had one too many Bortles & James wine coolers and one thing led to another. I know that things were said and for that "I am sorry." It was wrong and it will never happen again. The Informer promises. And so we are all clear, there is no way in the bluest of blue hells The Informer is going to bet against Tom Brady this weekend. The above sentence was one drunken mistake. Nothing more.
Pick: Patriots (-13.5)
DENVER BRONCOS @ DETROIT LIONS (+3)
Everyone say it with me . . .
5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME . . . 5X NFL MVP IN PRIMETIME !!!
Somebody please get Simba on the phone, because The Informer just found his Lion King Lock of the Week.
Pick: LKLOTW Donkeys (-3)
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-6.5)
Everyone say it with me . . .
2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME . . . 2X NFL MVP AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME!!!
Pick: Packers (-6.5)
Have a great Week 3 everyone. May it be filled with Blimpies, Natty Lights and enough winning parlays to buy dem apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fur.
#NFLPicks #FloRida #WinnerWinnerBlimpiesDinner
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