The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 5

Here are The Informer's Week 5 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The N.F. Informer is strictly prohibited.

Indianapolis Colts @ New England Patriots (-10.5)

I know it is a few days late, but here are five Thursday Night NFL Football gambling rules that should have been followed this week:

1. Always bet Tom Brady in Primetime. 
2. Always bet the home team on Thursday Night Football; especially when the road team is coming off a Sunday overtime loss where their team got totally decimated by injuries. 
3. Always, no matter what the spread is, bet a Bill Belichick team against any team that accuses a Bill Belichick team of cheating, or deflating footballs. 
4. Offensive coordinators for the Patriots who turn down jobs with the Colts tend to try and run up the score. 
5. ALWAYS BET THE PATRIOTS ON THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL AGAINST THE COLTS!!!

I mean you literally would have had to be the biggest, fattest, most moronic, idiot in the history of this flat Earth to actually bet the Colts on Thursday night. 

Give me Colts +10.5 and under 24.5 in the first half...#TNF

— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 4, 2018

Pick: Colts (+10.5)


Baltimore Ravens @ Cleveland Browns (+3.5)

As a concerned gambler, I could not in good conscience sit idly by and let the NFL/Vegas get away with robbing the Cleveland Browns of their hard fought win/cover against the Oakland Raiders last week. So, that is why I decided to write a very stern letter to the NFL/Vegas, letting them know exactly what I thought about them treating me --  and every Browns' bettor/fan around the world -- like "The Sisters" treated Andy Dufrense during the worst year of his life at Shawshank Prison.

Here is that letter:

Dear NFL/Vegas, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes!

Love,

Alfalfa The Informer.

Pick: Browns (+3.5)

(The Informer note - Seriously though, the NFL should be ashamed of themselves for overturning that first down. What a gosh damn joke. You suck you cheating NFL.)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Kansas City Chiefs (-3)

The Chiefs are the best team in football not named the Los Angeles Rams. They have best quarterback not named Tim Tebow to ever walk the face of the Earth. And they are only giving three points at home to Blake Bortles? Am I missing something here?

Pick: Chiefs (-3)


Tennessee Titans @ Buffalo Bills (+5.5)

I know the Titans are coming off of a huge win against the Super Bowl champions, and that I am supposed to be scared of home dogs, but I physically can't bring myself to bet on the Buffalo Bills anymore this season unless they are getting 14 or more points (they are 1-0 against the spread when getting at least 14 points).

Pick: Titans (-5.5)


New York Giants @ Carolina Panthers (-6.5)

Here is my expert opinion on this game: The Giants suck.

Pick: Panthers (-6.5)


Denver Broncos @ New York Jets (-1)

Yikes . . . Let's go ahead and file this contest under the "I would not watch this dumpster fire of an abomination with your eyes" section. Which of course means it is time to completely ignore this atrocity the NFL is trying to pass of as a football game, and instead hand out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:

I know that I am going straight to H.E.C.K for laughing, but damn that one made me chuckle.

Pick: Broncos (+1)


Atlanta Falcons @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-3.5)

Do you all think Ashton Kutcher is punking us with this whole "Julio Jones can't catch a touchdown" thing? I mean seriously, how the f*** is this even possible? We have one of the greatest wide receivers in the history of the NFL -- and a guy who is on pace to become the first ever wide receiver with 2,000 yards in a single season - - and yet he hasn't caught a touchdown pass in his last nine games?

I just don't understand how this is possible.

Anyways, I am grabbing the hook this week (aka the extra half point) while expecting both teams to put up 60 points. Oh and I will also be betting Julio Jones over .5 touchdowns #ThisIsTheWeek

Pick: Falcons (+3.5)


Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions (-1)

To all of you experts betting the Lions against Aaron Rodgers this week . . . I salute you. You keep dreaming those dreams and wishes those wishes, while I keep cashing my checks at the bookies office.

Pick: Packers (+1)


Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals (-6)

You know what I felt last week watching A.J. "The Sickness" Green catch the game winning touchdown while at the same time costing me a Super Picks contest and illegal gambling wager win?

Absolute pride.

Why pride you ask?

Because last week I set out to jinx the Falcons (so the Bengals would win) by betting them every which way I could and it absolutely worked. So naturally, since my gambling jinx worked to perfection last week, I am going to run the jinx angle back again this week by making the Dolphins my Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Dolphins (+6)


Oakland Raiders @ San Diego Chargers (+5.5)

The San Diego Chargers couldn't cover 71% of the Flat Earth if they were made of water, and yet I am supposed to believe they are now going to cover a 5.5 point spread against Jon Gruden and his Vegas cronies? I don't think so Peter Banning. Give me the Raiders, their Vegas buddies calling in favors, and the 5.5 points.

Pick: Raiders (+5.5)


Arizona Cardinals @ San Francisco 49ers (-3.5)

Nope. Not gonna do it. There are not enough derogatory words in the English language to describe this game. Moving on.

Pick: Cards (+3.5)


Minnesota Vikings @ Philadelphia Eagles (-3)

Los Angeles Rams @ Seattle HGHawks (+7)

I think we are heading for a Eagles-Rams NFC Championship game. So I will be betting as if that is a fact until something changes my mind.

Pick: Eagles (-3)  Rams (-7)


Dallas Cowboys @ Houston Texans (-3.5)

Does anyone else sit up at night wondering what Zeke Elliot's favorite soup is? Or is it just me?

#FeedHimMoreSoupClapperMan

Pick: Cowboys (+3.5)


Washington @ New Orleans Saints (-6)

All I am going to say about this game is that there is no way in hell I am not going to bet against Drew Brees at home on Monday Night football the same night he breaks Peyton Manning's NFL record for most passing yards in NFL history (Drew needs 201 yards to break the record).

Pick: Saints (-6)

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 13

Ladies and gentlemen here are 10 things The Informer thinks heading into Week 13 of the 2017 NFL Season (all my Week 13 NFL Picks are at the end of the column). 

1. I think I can't believe the New York owner would sign off on benching Eli Manning after everything Eli has brought to the Giants organization (aka 2 Super Bowls). I also think that benching Eli for Geno Smith in order to guarantee a top two pick in the 2017 NFL Draft is the absolute correct move for the Giants.

2. I think that if Tom Brady finishes the 2017 NFL Season with 4,900 yards and 38 touchdowns while leading the New England Patriots to a 12-4, 13-3 or 14-2 record; he is going to win the 2017 NFL MVP. I know the darling media thing to say right now is that Carson Wentz is the front-runner, but I find it hard to believe NFL MVP voters would let the living GOAT have the second greatest statistical season of his career -- at age 40 -- and not reward him with the Most Valuable Player trophy. 

3. I think I am extremely excited for Josh Gordon and the NFL fans that the man who once put up 1,646 yards in 14 NFL games is back in the NFL. I think I am also extremely excited to start said Josh Gordon in every single one of my fantasy football leagues this week. 

4. I think if I had to guess right now my six AFC Playoff teams would be: New England, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Jacksonville, Tennessee and Kansas City. 

5. I think if I had to guess right now my six NFC Playoff teams would be: Eagles, Vikings, Rams, Saints, Falcons & Seattle. 

6. I think this is the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:

7. I think this is my Randy Moss better be a unanimous first ballot Hall of Famer stat of the day: Randy Moss caught 43 touchdowns in his first three NFL Seasons (48 games). To put that in perspective; Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones -- playing in his seventh NFL season -- has 43 career touchdown catches.  

8. I think my favorite non Randy Moss stat heading into Week 13 has to be this: 

Tom Brady - 482 career TD passes in 246 starts.

Drew Brees -  481 career TD Passes in 243 starts.

9. I think despite having a 28-32 record in the contest, I am still going to share with the world my Week 13 NFL Super Pick selections: Atlanta (-3) Pats (-8.5) Panthers (+4) Oakland (-8.5) Steelers (-5) 

10. I think despite having one of my worst NFL Picks records of my career (86-85-5 heading into Week 13), I am still going to share with the world all of my Week 13 NFL Picks:

Redskins (-1.5 Loss) Ravens (-3) 49ers (+3) Falcons (-2.5) Patriots (-8) Dolphins (+1.5) Titans (-7) Colts (+9.5) Green Bay (-1.5) Jets (+3.5) Panthers (+5) Chargers (-13.5) Raiders (-8.5) Rams (-7) Eagles (-3.5) Steelers (-5 Lion King Lock of the Week)

The is a wrap for this week folks. I hope everyone has a great and profitable Week 13. And as always, please remember to gamble with absolutely zero regard for human life.

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 10

Here are The Informer's Week 10 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and absolutely zero regard for human life. 

SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (+6)

Finally, a Thursday night bet I did not lose (yes it has gotten so bad that I am counting a push as a victory). That has to be a good sign heading into Week 10, right? 

HGHawks (-6) #TNF pic.twitter.com/Y8NGAA5LWV

— The Informer (@therealinformer) November 9, 2017

Pick: HGHawks (-6)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ CHICAGO BEARS (-5.5)

NFL gambling rules clearly state a person should always bet Mitch Trabanski at home against Green Bay when the Packers are playing their first game against Chicago in 26-years without either Brett Favre or Aaron Rodgers starting at quarterback. 

Pick: Bears (-5.5)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ DETROIT LIONS (-10.5)

Only two games in and we have reached this weeks dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is passing of as a football game. So, as usual, instead of talking about this game we are going to skip it entirely and hand out the Blimpie Best meme of the week.

#DamnMillennials.

Pick: Lions (-10.5)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ WASHINGTON (+1.5)

Since I don't really care about the Case Keenum-Kirk Cousin showdown, I figured now would be the perfect time to share my favorite “things Randy Moss accomplished during Week 10's of the NFL Season” stats.

• During Week 10 of the 1999 NFL Season, Randy Moss set a regular season career high with 204 yards receiving in a Minnesota Vikings 27-24 victory over the Chicago Bears.
• During Week 10 of the 2007 NFL Season, Randy Moss set a career high with 4 TD receptions against the Buffalo Bills. For those wondering; Moss caught all four of his touchdowns in the first half.
• In 13 career Week 10 games Randy Moss caught 63 passes for 916 yards and nine touchdowns. 
• The Minnesota Vikings were 4-2 in Randy’s first six career Week 10 games. The two games the Vikings lost were against the Chicago Bears and the Oakland Raiders. I bring this up to point out that in those two losses Moss had the exact same stat line: 4 receptions, 25 yards and 0 TDs.
• Randy Moss caught his 7th, 37th, 57th, 87th and 117th career touchdown passes during Week 10s throughout his career.
• Randy's final Week 10 touchdown happened when he caught a 4-yard pass from Tom Brady during Week 10 of the 2009 NFL Season in a Patriots 31-14 victory over the New York Jets. At the time it was Moss’ 143rd career touchdown catch.

Pick: Skins (+1.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ TAMPA BAY (+2.5)

Things I would rather do than watch the Jets-Bucs try to play football against each other: Call A.J. Green soft. Meth. Teach my daughters how to Kardashian. Bet against Tom Brady in Primetime. Talk politics on Twitter. Turn my back on Mike Evans during a shouting match. Pay $20 for a 30 pack of Natty Light. Take out a student loan with Wells Fargo. Follow "The Informer's" Thursday Night Football gambling advice. Eat a vegan burger at McDonald's. And finally, I would rather watch the Lions-Browns play football. 

Pick: Jets (-2.5)

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ BUFFALO BILLS (+3)

I am betting the New Orleans Saints on the road because of Drew Brees. If you are wondering what that means, here is what I am talking about:

• Drew Brees is currently on pace for 4,428 yards passing. If he keeps this pace it would be an NFL record twelfth straight season with at least 4,000 yards.
• Drew Brees owns the NFL record with seven straight season with over 4,500 yards passing (this year would mark eight straight).
• Drew Brees is the only player in NFL history to have multiple 5,000 yard passing seasons (he has done it five times).
• Drew Brees has the most career games with 400 yards passing (15).
• Drew Brees has the most career games with 300 yards passing (108).
• Drew Brees needs seven more TD passes this season to set the NFL record for most consecutive seasons with at least 20 TD passes (Brees is currently tied with Peyton Manning with 13 straight seasons).
• Drew Brees needs 17 more TD passes this season to extend his NFL record for consecutive seasons with at least 30 TD passes (nine straight at this point).
• Brees is 3,615 yards away from breaking Peyton Manning’s NFL record for career passing yards (Brees would need to average 451 yards per game over the next eight games to break the record this season).
• Drew Brees has 225 career TD passes in the Superdome, the most by any quarterback at one stadium.
• Brees needs 22 TD passes to become the third player in NFL history to reach 500 career TD passes.
• And finally, Drew Brees is 3-0 as a starter for the New Orleans Saints against the Buffalo Bills.  

Pick: Saints (-3)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+10)

Give me the Steelers (-10). To answer the next question: No, I will not be watching one second of this game. 

Pick: Steelers (-10)

CINNCINATI BENGALS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-4.5)

Oh isn't this cute? A battle of coaches who refuse to give the ball to their best players. 

On the one side you have Marvin “my offense is designed to not throw passes to the great A.J. Green”. And on the other side you have Mike “why would I give the ball to a 6’4 245lb Mack truck who runs a 4.2 40-yard dash” Mularkey.

Now, there is no real scientific evidence to back my theory on this, but considering we have two coaching morons battling wits on Sunday; I have decided I must grab the 4.5 points and watch as these two genius of NFL schemes find new creative ways to not get their best players the football. 

Pick: Bengals (+4.5)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (-5)

I refuse to lay points with Blake Bortles when he is going against “Octo-dad” and the suddenly resurgent -- and rested -- Los Angeles Chargers.

Pick: Chargers (+5)

HOUSTON TEXANS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-12)

For fun here is an old-school versus new school player comparison that may shock you.

Player A through first eight career starts: 2-6 record, 10 TD passes, 4 interceptions and 1,349 yards passing.

Player B through first eight career games: 1-7 record, 5 TD passes, 7 interceptions and 1,089 yards passing.

Player A in his next eight career starts: 6-2 record, 13 TD passes, 5 int & 1,910 yards passing.

Player B in his next eight career starts: 6-2 record, 13 TD passes, 4 interception and 2,030 yards passing.

Player A in both of these scenarios is Joe Montana.

Player B in both of these scenarios is the Rams second year quarterback Jarred Goff.

So does this player comparison mean that Jarred Goff is going to become the next Joe Montana? I have no idea. I am not a Rocket Scientologist. But what it does mean is that the young Goff – who was written off as a bust by pretty much everyone in the NFL universe the same way a young Montana once was – can at least look back at the past and see a scenario of how his career could play out if he keeps doing what he is doing.

Pick: Rams (-12)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-3)

Hall of Famer Dak Prescott getting points because Vegas thinks Dallas can't win without a running back? In the words of Lloyd from Dumb & Dumber: "I like it a lot." 

Pick: Cowboys (+3)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+2.5)

If I had to list the greatest 49ers-Giants NFL games ever, my list would go something like this:

1) The time I won my first NFL bet back in 1990 when the 10-1 49ers beat the 10-1 New York Giants on Monday Night Football (I was five at the time and won a buck from my dad who thought it would be a good idea to give me the 49ers straight up).

2) Jeff Garcia and the playoff comeback.

3) The time the Giants got away with attempted murder and ruined Joe Montana’s 49ers career. 

4) The time when the Giants beat the 49ers in the 2011 NFC Championship game.

And finally, in very last place, the time the Giants and 49ers played football in Week 10 of the 2017 NFL Season.

Pick: Giants (-2.5)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-7.5)

Everyone say it with me:

I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime!!!

Just so we are all on the same page; what I am trying to say is that I am not going to bet against Tom Brady in Primetime.

Pick: LKLOTW Patriots (-7.5)

MIAMI DOLPHINS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-9)

Did you know that the Carolina Panthers have never beaten the Miami Dolphins? Seems like an absolutely logical reason to put my hard earned money on Jay Cutler in Primetime for the third straight week. 

Pick: Dolphins (+9)