Saturday, November 11, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 10

Here are The Informer's Week 10 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and absolutely zero regard for human life. 
Finally, a Thursday night bet I did not lose (yes it has gotten so bad that I am counting a push as a victory). That has to be a good sign heading into Week 10, right? 

Pick: HGHawks (-6)
NFL gambling rules clearly state a person should always bet Mitch Trabanski at home against Green Bay when the Packers are playing their first game against Chicago in 26-years without either Brett Favre or Aaron Rodgers starting at quarterback. 
Pick: Bears (-5.5)
Only two games in and we have reached this weeks dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is passing of as a football game. So, as usual, instead of talking about this game we are going to skip it entirely and hand out the Blimpie Best meme of the week.

Pick: Lions (-10.5)
Since I don't really care about the Case Keenum-Kirk Cousin showdown, I figured now would be the perfect time to share my favorite “things Randy Moss accomplished during Week 10's of the NFL Season” stats.
  • During Week 10 of the 1999 NFL Season, Randy Moss set a regular season career high with 204 yards receiving in a Minnesota Vikings 27-24 victory over the Chicago Bears.
  • During Week 10 of the 2007 NFL Season, Randy Moss set a career high with 4 TD receptions against the Buffalo Bills. For those wondering; Moss caught all four of his touchdowns in the first half.
  • In 13 career Week 10 games Randy Moss caught 63 passes for 916 yards and nine touchdowns. 
  • The Minnesota Vikings were 4-2 in Randy’s first six career Week 10 games. The two games the Vikings lost were against the Chicago Bears and the Oakland Raiders. I bring this up to point out that in those two losses Moss had the exact same stat line: 4 receptions, 25 yards and 0 TDs.
  • Randy Moss caught his 7th, 37th, 57th, 87th and 117th career touchdown passes during Week 10s throughout his career.
  • Randy's final Week 10 touchdown happened when he caught a 4-yard pass from Tom Brady during Week 10 of the 2009 NFL Season in a Patriots 31-14 victory over the New York Jets. At the time it was Moss’ 143rd career touchdown catch.
Pick: Skins (+1.5)
Things I would rather do than watch the Jets-Bucs try to play football against each other: Call A.J. Green soft. Meth. Teach my daughters how to Kardashian. Bet against Tom Brady in Primetime. Talk politics on Twitter. Turn my back on Mike Evans during a shouting match. Pay $20 for a 30 pack of Natty Light. Take out a student loan with Wells Fargo. Follow "The Informer's" Thursday Night Football gambling advice. Eat a vegan burger at McDonald's. And finally, I would rather watch the Lions-Browns play football. 
Pick: Jets (-2.5)

I am betting the New Orleans Saints on the road because of Drew Brees. If you are wondering what that means, here is what I am talking about:
  • Drew Brees is currently on pace for 4,428 yards passing. If he keeps this pace it would be an NFL record twelfth straight season with at least 4,000 yards.
  • Drew Brees owns the NFL record with seven straight season with over 4,500 yards passing (this year would mark eight straight).
  • Drew Brees is the only player in NFL history to have multiple 5,000 yard passing seasons (he has done it five times).
  • Drew Brees has the most career games with 400 yards passing (15).
  • Drew Brees has the most career games with 300 yards passing (108).
  • Drew Brees needs seven more TD passes this season to set the NFL record for most consecutive seasons with at least 20 TD passes (Brees is currently tied with Peyton Manning with 13 straight seasons).
  • Drew Brees needs 17 more TD passes this season to extend his NFL record for consecutive seasons with at least 30 TD passes (nine straight at this point).
  • Brees is 3,615 yards away from breaking Peyton Manning’s NFL record for career passing yards (Brees would need to average 451 yards per game over the next eight games to break the record this season).
  • Drew Brees has 225 career TD passes in the Superdome, the most by any quarterback at one stadium.
  • Brees needs 22 TD passes to become the third player in NFL history to reach 500 career TD passes.
  • And finally, Drew Brees is 3-0 as a starter for the New Orleans Saints against the Buffalo Bills.  
Pick: Saints (-3)
Give me the Steelers (-10). To answer the next question: No, I will not be watching one second of this game. 
Pick: Steelers (-10)
Oh isn't this cute? A battle of coaches who refuse to give the ball to their best players. 

On the one side you have Marvin “my offense is designed to not throw passes to the great A.J. Green”. And on the other side you have Mike “why would I give the ball to a 6’4 245lb Mack truck who runs a 4.2 40-yard dash” Mularkey.
Now, there is no real scientific evidence to back my theory on this, but considering we have two coaching morons battling wits on Sunday; I have decided I must grab the 4.5 points and watch as these two genius of NFL schemes find new creative ways to not get their best players the football. 
Pick: Bengals (+4.5)
I refuse to lay points with Blake Bortles when he is going against “Octo-dad” and the suddenly resurgent -- and rested -- Los Angeles Chargers.
Pick: Chargers (+5)
For fun here is an old-school versus new school player comparison that may shock you.
Player A through first eight career starts: 2-6 record, 10 TD passes, 4 interceptions and 1,349 yards passing.
Player B through first eight career games: 1-7 record, 5 TD passes, 7 interceptions and 1,089 yards passing.
Player A in his next eight career starts: 6-2 record, 13 TD passes, 5 int & 1,910 yards passing.
Player B in his next eight career starts: 6-2 record, 13 TD passes, 4 interception and 2,030 yards passing.
Player A in both of these scenarios is Joe Montana.
Player B in both of these scenarios is the Rams second year quarterback Jarred Goff.
So does this player comparison mean that Jarred Goff is going to become the next Joe Montana? I have no idea. I am not a Rocket Scientologist. But what it does mean is that the young Goff – who was written off as a bust by pretty much everyone in the NFL universe the same way a young Montana once was – can at least look back at the past and see a scenario of how his career could play out if he keeps doing what he is doing.
Pick: Rams (-12)
Hall of Famer Dak Prescott getting points because Vegas thinks Dallas can't win without a running back? In the words of Lloyd from Dumb & Dumber: "I like it a lot." 
Pick: Cowboys (+3)
If I had to list the greatest 49ers-Giants NFL games ever, my list would go something like this:
1) The time I won my first NFL bet back in 1990 when the 10-1 49ers beat the 10-1 New York Giants on Monday Night Football (I was five at the time and won a buck from my dad who thought it would be a good idea to give me the 49ers straight up).
And finally, in very last place, the time the Giants and 49ers played football in Week 10 of the 2017 NFL Season.
Pick: Giants (-2.5)
Everyone say it with me:
I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime!!!
Just so we are all on the same page; what I am trying to say is that I am not going to bet against Tom Brady in Primetime.
Pick: LKLOTW Patriots (-7.5)
Did you know that the Carolina Panthers have never beaten the Miami Dolphins? Seems like an absolutely logical reason to put my hard earned money on Jay Cutler in Primetime for the third straight week. 
Pick: Dolphins (+9)

Sunday, November 5, 2017

The Informer's Post Super Bowl 51 Mailbag

Welcome to The Informer’s Post Super Bowl 51 Mailbag. As always, please keep in mind that all of these questions came from actual made-up readers.
Q: Informer, now that Tom Brady has five Super Bowl rings and owns every postseason/Super Bowl record and is the greatest winner in the history of the NFL, does that make him the greatest football player of all-time?
Of course he is the greatest football player of all-time. Are there still people in the world who say Tom Brady is not the greatest?
Q: But what about guys like Jerry Rice, Randy Moss, Jim Brown, Barry Sanders, Walter Payton, or Ray Lewis? They may not have the Super Bowl rings, but they were actually better “football” players than Tom Brady. I mean come on, Brady runs a 7.4 forty yard dash. I can see calling him the best quarterback ever, but overall football player is a stretch. Don't you think?
So your question is not asking who the best “football” player of all-time is, it is who is the best athlete to play football? In that case the answer is obviously no. But again, if we are talking the best “football” player -- which means anyone who has ever played football -- then the answer is Tom Terrific. There is simply no logical argument against his numbers, records, wins, or Super Bowl rings.
Q: “Spygate” and “Deflategate”. There is my logical argument against Tom Brady. Sorry Informer, but anyone who cheats cannot be considered the greatest of all-time.
First of all, “Spygate” never actually happened, and “Deflategate” is a fake news story. So your argument is wrong and does nothing to change my opinion that Tom Brady is the greatest.
Q: WHAT THE ABSOLUTE F*** INFORMER!!!? You don't think Spygate ever happened? Are you being serious? How can you say one of the biggest scandals and cover ups in NFL history never happened? Please tell me you are not really this stupid?
Stupid? No. Hammered drunk and saying random sh*t to piss off the three people who read this article? Maybe.
Q: Speaking of pissing people off Informer, what are your thoughts on Terrell Owens not making the Hall of Fame because the voters did not like him as a person?
To semi-quote Joe Buck, “Not voting Terrell Owens into the Hall of Fame is a disgusting act.” And in the immortal words of Forrest Gump, “That is all I have to say about that.”
Q: What podcasts would The Informer recommend for someone who likes sports and entertainment?
According to my ITUNES account the 14 podcast I am subscribed to, and therefore would totally recommend, are:
  • The Bill Simmons Show
  • Reasonable Doubt starring Adam Carrolla & Mark Geragos
  • Cheap Heat
  • The Big Red Cobcast
  • The Schmotable
  • Mohr Stories
  • Talk Is Jericho
  • Jim Rome’s Daily Jungle
  • ESPN’s Behind the Bets
  • Something to Wrestle With
  • The Stone Cold Steve Austin Show
  • Sports & Media Podcast with Richard Deitsch
  • The Adam Carrolla Show
  • The Masked Man Show
Q: Informer if you were being forced to live on a desert island for the rest of your life and could only choose one actor’s movies to take with you, which actor would you choose? For example, if you choose Vin Diesel then you would get to take all the Fast & Furious movies, the Riddick movies, Triple X, etc. Now in order to keep this simple, the only rule is you must take a lead actor/actress. You can’t pick some no-name extra that has been in every single movie ever made. That would be cheating. So Informer, who are you taking?
After about 3.5 hours of research, 17.5 Natty Lights, and some deep soul searching; I have decided my choice would be Jenna Jameson.
Q: You better sleep with one eye opened you f*****g scumbag. Sincerely, your wife who just read the Jenna Jameson answer and knows exactly where you pass out every night.
Did I say Jenna Jameson? That must have been a drunken typo. What I obviously meant to say was Adam Sandler. Yea, that sounds better. I would definitely take every single Adam Sandler movie ever made. Not Jenna Jameson. Okay, now that we have that mess all cleared up, how about we move onto the next topic before The Informer ends up starring in a live action remake of the John Wayne Bobbitt story?
Q: What is The Informer’s favorite rap song, country song, rock song, G-rated movie, PG- rated movie, PG-13 rated movie, R-rated movie, X-rated movie, soda, basketball team, musician, football jersey, condom, jeans, sports card, food, beer, candy, television show and hobby?
A random game of 20 questions? I love it. Here are my answers in order: Dear Mama, The Good Stuff, I It’s Been Awhile, The Lion KingGhostbustersFast & FuriousWedding Crashers, I am not allowed to comment, Mr. Pibb/ Dr. Pepper, Kevin Durant, Eminem, my Randy Moss Marshall jersey, What are those?, Girbaud, Kobe Bryant’s Upper Deck rookie, Blimpies, Natty Light, Peanut Butter M&Ms, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and writing this blog.
Q: Dear Mr. Informer, who is going to win the 2017 NBA MVP?
The only rule I have when it comes to voting on the NBA MVP is this: If someone averages a triple-double for an entire season while leading his team to the NBA Playoffs despite losing one of the greatest players in NBA history during the offseason then that person is the NBA MVP. So to answer your question, Russell Westbrook is the 2017 NBA MVP.
Q: Okay Informer, here is the final question of the day: Who do you think the Cleveland Cavaliers should sign in order to bring in the much needed help that LeBron James is crying for?
This is a great question, and I have a damn great answer. But first, I need everyone to brace themselves because I am about to shock the world, change the game, and drop the mic with five simple words.
Are we all ready?
Here it goes; I think the Cleveland Cavaliers should try and sign . . .
Kobe “The Black Mamba” Bryant.
Q: Kobe Bryant to the Cavs? That is literally the dumbest f***ing thing anyone in the world has ever f***ing said. Seriously, why in the bluest of blue hells would Kobe tarnish his Lakers legacy by taking a 28 million dollar pay cut to go chase rings on the LeBron James train? That makes absolutely zero sense. Sorry Informer, but your take is stupid. Your idea is garbage. And most of all you are a trash writer who just played himself. In other words, please do the world a favor and delete your writing account.
Oh you want The Informer to delete his writing account because you think it is trash, huh? How about instead you just cash me outside, how bow dah?
#ComeBackMamba #BradyIsGoat #WhoYouGonnaCall #InformerOut

Saturday, November 4, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 9

Here are The Informer's Week 9 NFL picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and no regard for human life. 
Honestly, with how terrible I am picking Thursday Night Football (2-7 on the year), I have absolutely no idea why I keep doing this to myself. But in the spirit of full disclosure; here is The Informer's proof of loss Thursday Night Football tweet:
Pick: Bills (-3)
I have never claimed to be a smart man, but even I know that you would have to be an absolute drunken moron to bet Brock Osweiler on the road verses a team that is 6-2 against the spread in 2017?
Pick: Donkeys (+8.5)
Q: Hey Informer since no one gives two sh*ts about this Rams-Giants game: Can you use this section to tell us who you think is going to win the NFL MVP, Rookie of the Year and the Super Bowl?
I mean, I am sure there is someone out there --  maybe Jared Goff's mother, or Eli Manning's brother -- who is excited to watch the Rams-Giants play football on Sunday. But since you asked so nicely for me to skip this game, I really have no choice but to oblige. 
  • I have Tom Brady winning the MVP because of the fact that he is going to throw for 5,000 yards while winning 12-13 games for the number one seeded team in the AFC. 
  • I have Leonard Fournette winning the Rookie of the Year because Fournette is going to lead the Jaguars to the playoffs and the NFL rules clearly state: "If you are the reason the Jacksonville Jaguars make the playoffs you must be given the ROY award." 
  • And finally, I have New England over Seattle in the Super Bowl. 
Pick: Giants (+4.5)


I swear to Tim Tebow, this is a an actual screen-shotted conversation that my wife and daughter had heading to school on Thursday:
Just saying; if my daughter having nightmare's about AJ Green getting fired from the Bengal Tigers is not some kind of omen to make Cincinnati this week’s Lion King Lock of the Week --than I don’t know what in the hell an omen is.

Pick: LKLOTW Bengals (+6)

I am taking Tampa Bay (+7) and Carolina (-3) because I got drunk editing this article and had a "feeling" both of these teams were going to cover on Sunday. To answer the next question: Yes, getting drunk off of Natty Lights and picking a team because "I got a feeling" is how I make 98% of my NFL picks.

Pick: Tampa Bay (+7) Panthers (-3)
Because of the DeShaun Watson injury my bookie does not have an up to date line for this game; therefore I am using the line that was set in my Las Vegas Super Picks contest before Watson was hurt. And, well, since this is the line I have no choice but to follow the “always take the points when Tom “I am not related to Fred” Savage is a double-digit favorite.
Pick: Colts (+13)
If anyone has information as to why Mike Mularkey hates Derrick Henry will you please share it with me? Because I for the life of me can't figure out why the dude refuses to give a 6'3 250lb Mack truck -- that runs a 4.5 40 yard dash -- the football. It does not make any sense whatsoever. Seriously Mike, this is not rocket Scientology, just just give the "*******" ball to Derrick Henry.
Pick: Titans (-3.5)
Ladies and gentlemen per "Informer" tradition, we are going to skip talking about this dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is passing off as a football game, and use this section to hand out the Week 9 Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

#ClassicBrowns #AfroMan4Life #MustHaveHiredTheDolphinsAssitantCoach.
Pick: Cardinals (-3)
I have no real reason as to why I am sharing these(other than to fill space), but here are nine of my favorite stats heading into Week 9 of the 2017 NFL Season.
  1. Adrian Peterson only needs one rushing touchdown this week to become the ninth player in NFL history to reach 100 career rushing touchdowns. The bad news for Adrian? He is playing the San Francisco 49ers; a team he has zero career touchdowns against (in four games), and the team that once held him to a career low three yards rushing during AP's 2007 rookie season.
  2. Sticking with Peterson; AP needs 91-yards rushing to move passed Thurman Thomas for the 15th most rushing yards all-time.
  3. Larry Fitzgerald needs 42 yards receiving to pass Tim Brown for sixth all-time in NFL history.
  4. Matt Ryan needs one TD pass on Sunday to become the 21st player in NFL history to throw at least 250 career TD passes. He also needs three TD passes to move past Drew Bledsoe on the all-time career list. Furthermore -- the 2016 NFL MVP -- needs 17 more TD passes to leapfrog Bledsoe, Dan Fouts, Sonny Jurgensen, Dave Krieg, Joe Montana and Vinny Testaverde and into the Top 15 career TD passes.  
  5. The New England Patriots are 43-7 in games Rob Gronkowski scores a touchdown. They are 14-1 all-time when the "Big Gronkbowski" catches multiple TD passes.
  6. Russell Wilson has 20,201 career passing yards and 142 touchdown passes. Andrew Luck has 19, 078 career passing yards and 132 TD passes.
  7. The five worst teams against the spread in 2017 are: Arizona (1-6), Tampa Bay (1-5-1), Cleveland (2-6), Washington (2-5) and the defending NFC Champion Atlanta Falcons (2-5).
  8. The Five best teams against the spread in 2017 are: Kansas City Chiefs (6-2), New York Jets (6-2-1), Philadelphia Eagles (6-2) Houston Texans (5-2) and the New Orleans Saints (5-2).
  9. Jay Cutler needs to throw four interceptions on Sunday night to surpass Tom Brady for the 56th most interceptions in NFL history. 
Pick: HGHawks (-7)
As mentioned above, the Kansas City Chiefs are 6-2 against the spread and easily one of the four best teams in the NFL. In other words: Why in the hell is Vegas giving this team points?
Pick: Chiefs (+3)
(The Informer after the pick thought - I know we already shared the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week, but I found this meme late on Saturday night and I couldn't stop laughing. So with that in mind, here is the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week Part Deux:

I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . . I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . . I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .  I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime!!!
It doesn’t really have the same ring as the “I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime”, but why the hell not? Give me the drunk one and the points on Sunday Night Football. 
Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)
NFL gambling rules clearly say to beware of the home underdogs in Primetime when you have two mediocre teams playing. 
Pick: Packers (+2)