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Saturday, October 21, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 7


Here are The Informer's Week 7 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandoned and no regard for human life. 

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (+3)
This is my "proof that Vegas and the NFL are conspiring together to ruin my 2017 NFL picks record by letting the Raiders have 47 extra attempts to score the game winning touchdown on Thursday Night Football" tweet:


#VegasIsMean
Pick: Chiefs (-3)
TENNESSEE TITANS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+5.5)
Q: Informer I know you are looking at the Browns only being a five point underdog and getting more aroused than Jim during that scene in American Pie where Nadia takes off her clothes. But for Tebow-sake man, I am begging you, do not make the Tennessee Titans your Lion King Lock of the Week. Us Titan’s fans can’t afford you putting "The Informer jinx" on our quarterback the same way you did to Aaron Rodgers last week. So please Informer, for one time in your worthless drunken life, do the right thing and leave Marcus Mariota's name out of your mouth.
I am not going to lie; you had me on your side right up until the point where you said I was living a "worthless drunken life". Just saying; in the future when you are begging an internet writer to not jinx your team, maybe you should be a little more flattering than calling said writer a "worthless drunk". 

Anyways, which means please don't interrupt while I am getting hammered drunk and writing internet blogs, the moral of the story is I am most definitely making the Tennessee Titans my Week 7 Lion King Lock of the Week. 

May Tebow have mercy on Marcus Mariota's soul. 
Pick: LKLOTW Titans (-5.5)
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+3.5)

This one is pretty simple. The gambling rule book clearly states that a person must never, not even if there is a fire, bet Blake Borltes as a road favorite.
Pick: Colts (+3.5)
CINCINNATI BENGALS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-5.5)

I am picking the Steelers because I want to jinx them in the hopes of securing a victory for the great AJ Green.

Pick: Steelers (-5.5)

SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (+4)

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for The Informer's three favorite jokes of the week.  

Q: How does Tim Tebow like his eggs in the morning?
A: Unfertilized.

Q: Did you hear about the Tony the Tiger murder?
A: Police are calling it a cereal killer.

Q: What do you do if you see a Seattle Seahawks player rolling on the ground crying in pain?
A: You reload and shoot him . . . Up with more HGH!!! 

via GIPHY
Pick: HGHawks (-4.5)
BALTIMORE RAVENS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-5)
Things I would rather do than watch Case Keenum and Joe Flacco play football against each other: Bet Blake Bortles as a road favorite. Take Cialis while also taking Nitrates for heart disease. Make a "they are having a worse week than Harvey Weinstein" joke. Stay sober for October. Play Edward Norton's part in a live reenactment of the "Jack's smirking revenge" scene from the movie Fight Club. Go to the pumpkin patch with my wife and kids. One of Charlie Sheen's prostitutes. Stop using the word "hella" to describe how awesome things are. Hit up the clubs with Ray Lewis (Too soon?). Leave my cocaine unsupervised in a Miami Dolphins coaches meeting. And finally, I would rather bet the Minnesota Vikings to win a Super Bowl. 
Pick: Ravens (+5)
NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-3.5)
I would have to be "Drunk Jay Cutler" wasted to even try and have an opinion on this absolute dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is trying to pass of as a football game. And, well, since it is not humanly possible for a single man to ever be that wasted; I figured this would be the perfect place to hand out this week's Blimpies Best meme of the Week:

#CocaineIsAHellOfADrug
Pick: Jets (+3.5)
ARIZONA CARDINALS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-3)
Q: Is Larry Fitzgerald the second greatest WR of all-time?
I am only going to say this one time so make sure you are listening: Larry Fitzgerald is not even on the same planet as Randy Moss when it comes to the second best wide receiver ever conversation. And if anyone you know tries to make this asinine argument, I give you permission to throat punch that motherless mother f****r square in the nuts so that they know never to disrespect the great Randy Moss again. 

#Dont@MeCardinalFans
Pick: Cards (+3)

TAMPA BAY @ BUFFALO BILLS (-3)

Sooo . . . I wrote this exact sentence word for word 10-years ago during Week 7 of the 2008 NFL Season and I am sharing it with you the readers today because the rule still applies:

"Anytime a good solid team is playing a team with a starting QB named Fitzpatrick, The Informer is taking the solid team."

Pick: Bills (-3)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+5)
CAROLINA PANTHERS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3.5)
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (+4)
And it appears we have reached the portion of the article where I start betting favorites because they are giving less than a touchdown against quarterbacks named Trabanski, C.J. Parker and Bert.

Pick: Bills (-3) Panthers (-3.5) Cowboys (-5) Saints (-4)
DENVER BRONCOS @ LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (+1.5)

Chargers at home as a road underdog? Sounds good to me.
Pick: Chargers (+1.5)
ATLANTA FALCONS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-3.5)
I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS I WILL NOT BET AGAINST TOM BRADY AT HOME IN PRIMETIME!!!
Pick: Patriots (-3.5)
WASHINGTON @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-4.5)
With the Kansas City Chiefs loss on Thursday Night football, the Philadelphia Eagles officially became the best team in the NFL. Which of course means they are going to lose at home on Monday Night Football against the Washington Redskins for no other reason than that is how the NFL works in 2017. 
Pick: Washington (+4.5)



Sunday, October 15, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 6


Here are The Informer’s Week 6 2017 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3.5)
My Thursday night proof of loss Tweet:
Pick: Panthers (-3.5)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (+3)

This is probably not going to be a huge surprise since 80% of the public is already making the same bet, but I am making Aaron Rodgers the Lion King Lock of the Week. 

The logic is simple: Sometimes Vegas gives us the gift of Aaron Rodgers vs Case Keenum and we just needs to open our wallets and accept it. 

Pick: LKLOTW Packers (-3)
MIAMI DOLPHINS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-14)
NFL Gambling rules clearly state a person must always bet Jay Cutler when the "Drunk One" is getting two touchdowns on the road the same week one of his coaches resigned because of a cocaine scandal.

Pick: Dolphins (+14)

DETROIT LIONS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-5.5)
Q: Informer I was told last week you actually tried to inform people with real stats. Is this true? Did you for once give actual NFL facts instead of making constant jokes about your Natty Light abuse and how fat you are? If it is true, could you do it again this week? I mean, not an entire article, but maybe one section filled with some stats your readers need to know heading into Week 6?

Other than pointing out the part where you obviously misspelled "you're", I guess my answer to your request would be ask and you shall receive. With that in mind here are my Top 6 most favorite stats heading into Week 6. 

  1. The great Adrian Peterson needs three rushing touchdowns to become just the 10th player in NFL history to rush for 100 career touchdowns. 
  2. Speaking of the recently traded -- and hopefully rejuvenated --- Peterson, the Cardinals back needs just 484 yards this season to pass Thurman Thomas (12,074) Franco Harris (12,120), Marcus Allen (12,243), Edgerin James (12,246), Marshall Faulk (12,279) and Jim Brown (12,312) on the all-time rushing list.
  3. Larry Fitzgerald needs 15-yards to pass Steve Smith for seventh place on the all-time receiving yards chart.
  4. Antonio Brown will move into the Top 60 most career receiving yards if he hauls in 63-yards on Sunday.
  5. Sticking with receiving records: Demaryius Thomas (needs 49-yards) and Julio Jones (needs 95) have a chance to become the 92nd and 93rd players in NFL history to reach 8,000 career receiving yards. 
  6. And finally, with a touchdown catch on Sunday, Chris Hogan will become the first Pats WR since Randy Moss in 2007 to catch a TD in five straight games.

Pick: Lions (+5.5)
SAN FRANCISCO @ WASHINGTON (-11)

Things I would rather do than watch the 49ers & Redskins play football on Sunday: Order a salad at Blimpies. Go up against Jay Cutler in a beer drinking contest. Put the urine from a Miami Dolphins assistant coach in my whizzinator. Purposely drink Milwaukee’s Best Light. Have Eminem free-style rap about me. Play Edward Norton's part in a live reenactment of the American History X shower scene. Bet Ben Roethlisberger's under total interceptions during a home game against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Give away my Rashaan Salaam rookie cards. And finally, I would rather bet against Tom Brady on the day he passes Brett Favre and Peyton Manning for most wins by a QB in NFL history.

In other words; I will not be watching the 49ers and Redskins play football on Sunday.

Pick: 49ers (+11)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ NEW YORK JETS (+9)

As I just said; I am not about to bet against Tom Brady on the day he passes Brett Favre and Peyton Manning for most wins by a QB in NFL history.

Pick: Pats (-9)

CHICAGO BEARS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-6.5)
Did you know that exactly 17 years ago on October 15th (in the year 2000) the Chicago Bears lost to the Minnesota Vikings 28-16 on Sunday Night? 

I for one know this because that was the same night Randy Moss caught his 34th career touchdown in just his 38th NFL game. 

Why does The Informer remember this obscure Randy Moss stat you ask? 

Well, because that night a high school Informer had a girl over to his house for a date for the first time in his life. And well, without going all Penthouse forum on you, I would like the record to show that night ended with a celebratory "Randy Moss scored a touchdown" French Kiss. 

In the words of Paul Harvey: "Now you know the rest of the story."

Pick: Ravens (-6.5)
PITTSBURGH @ KANSAS CITY (-3.5)
Here are this week’s “I am going to make fun of Ben Roethlisberger because he threw five interceptions against the Jacksonville Jaguars and cost me money” jokes of the week.
Q: What happened to the joke Big Ben Roethlisberger told his receivers?
A: It went over their heads.

Q: What is Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite lottery game?
A: The Pick Six.

Q: Why do Pittsburgh Steelers fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them to.

via GIPHY

(PS- Until the Chiefs don’t cover a spread (they are 5-0 this season), they are a must bet every single NFL Sunday.)

Pick: Chiefs (-3.5)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-9)

Some of you may not know, but this is the 10th NFL season I have been writing a NFL picks article. And since it is year 10, I thought I would try a new gimmick where I use something I wrote from 10 years ago to describe one of this week's games. 

So with that in mind, here is an exact excerpt (I swear to Tebow it is word for word) from The Informer's Week 6 2008 NFL Picks article: 

"Ummm . . . The Browns really suck!" 

#SomethingsNeverChange

Pick: Texans (-9)

TAMPA BAY @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (+1.5)

As much as I love the Adrian Peterson trade for Adrian Peterson -- because I want to see him actually get a chance to run the football which Arizona should allow him to do -- I still can't pick the Cardinals to beat a Tampa team that just went toe to toe with Tom Brady and had 10 days to prepare for the free-falling Cardinals. 

Pick: Tampa Bay (-1.5)

LOS ANGELES RAMS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS(-2.5)

The Informer’s Gambling Rule #751: If you have a chance to bet against the Jacksonville Jaguars and Vegas is nice enough to give you 2.5 points . . . You always take the points and bet against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Pick: Rams (+2.5)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3.5)

Gambling Rule #752: When you have two bad teams you always take the points. Especially when the favored team is starting a quarterback with a broken traverse . . . Whatever the hell that means?

Pick: Chargers (+3.5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-12)
TENNESSEE TITANS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+6.5)

Ladies and gentlemen as you can see we have a two way tie for this week’s dumpster fire of atrociousness the NFL is trying to pass off as a "Primetime must watch" football contest. 

This of course means instead of wasting any time discussing the trash the NFL is serving up as a main course, we are going to close this article by handing out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week with a little help from our old friend Tyrone Biggums:


Pick: Giants (+12) Colts (+6.5)

#GO FOOTBALL!!!



Saturday, October 7, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 5



Here are The Informer's Week 5 NFL picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon. 
NEW ENGLAND @ TAMPA BAY (+4.5)

My proof of Thursday night pick Tweet:

Pick: Pats (-4.5)
ARIZONA CARDINALS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-6.5)

I am going to bet the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday because the gambling rules state a person is always supposed to bet against the West Coast team flying to the East Coast and playing an eleven o'clock game.

Now, just to show this bet is strictly business and nothing personal against the Arizona Cardinals and their fans, I figured I would share two fun Arizona Cardinal facts that everyone should know heading into Week 5. 
  1. Larry Fitzgerald is 66 yards away from moving past Steve Smith for the seventh most receiving yards in NFL history. 
  2.  Carson Palmer needs two TD passes this week to pass Warren Moon for 11th all-time, and just 10 more TD passes to pass John Elway for 10th all-time. 
Like I said before, Arizona is definitely going to lose and not cover on Sunday, but hopefully their fans will be able to watch a little bit of history along the way. 
Pick: Eagles (-6.5)
TENNESSEE TITANS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (+3)
I know everyone wants to make fun of Jay Cutler for taking a smoke break in the middle of the game last week. But before you start making those disparaging remarks about a man exercising his rights to free smoking, I want you all to remember this: Jay Cutler has more career touchdown passes than Troy Aikman, Kurt Warner, Phil Sims, Joe Theismann, Roger Staubach and Tim Tebow. 
As far as the gambling goes; it is literally against my religion to illegally bet Matt Cassel as a road favorite over a desperate team playing their first “real” home game of the 2017 NFL Season.
Pick: Dolphins (+3)
NEW YORK JETS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (PK)
Here are The Informer’s “Im going to make fun of the Browns for sucking” jokes of the week:
Q: Did you hear about the Cleveland Brown’s football player who fell from his horse and was nearly trampled to death?
A: Luckily, the manager of the WalMart was able to come to the rescue and unplug the horse.
Q: How are the Cleveland Browns like a possum?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road! 
And finally,
The other day my wife was crying because the vacuum cleaner stopped working. Through the hysteria I did the only thing I could think of; I put a Browns jersey on the vacuum and wouldn’t you know it the damn thing started to suck again.

via GIPHY
Pick: Jets (PK)
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-1.5)
On Sunday Frank Gore needs four yards rushing to reach 13,256 career yards. If he accomplishes this feat, he will move past Eric Dickerson for 7th all-time in NFL history. 

Now, I don’t know what the official gambling rule book says about this situation, but my personal philosophy is that whenever Frank Gore is going to make NFL history the same day as the Colts franchise unveils a statue of Peyton Manning --I have no choice but to bet the Colts. 
Pick: Colts (-1.5)
BUFFALO BILLS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-3.5)
LeSean McCoy needs two rushing touchdowns this week to pass Ahman Green, Terrell Davis, Herschel Walker and the newly freed O.J. Simpson for career rushing touchdown. 

In the semi changed words of Forrest Gump: "That's all I have to say about that."
Pick: Bills (+3.5)
CAROLINA PANTHERS @ DETROIT LIONS (-2.5)
Here are three fun facts about Panthers quarterback Cam Newton: 
  1. Last week Cam Newton become the first quarterback in NFL history to rush for 50 career touchdowns. 
  2. With two more rushing touchdowns, Newton will move into a three way tie for the 65th most rushing touchdowns in NFL history. 
  3. And finally, if the former NFL MVP runs for 10 more touchdowns in his career, he would move into the Top 50 all time. 
Pick: Panthers (+2.5)
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-7.5)
Sticking with facts about great quarterbacks in the NFL: Here are five absolutely made up facts inspired by the awesome “Blake Bortles Facts” twitter account:
  1. Blake Bortles once beat "Drunk" Jay Cutler in a beer drinking contest.
  2. Blake Bortles is Chuck Norris' biological father.
  3. Blake Bortles and Batman have never been seen together in the same room. Coincidence?
  4. Blake Bortles watched an entire season of 24 in 6.5 hours. 
  5. Blake Bortles has never lost a game in Pittsburgh by less than 8 points (his only game against the Steelers he lost 17-9). 
Honestly, as great as the great Blake Bortles is (watching a full season of 24 in 6.5 hours is f*****g impressive), I just can't bring myself to look past the fact that he has never lost a game by less than 8 points against the Pittsburgh Steelers.  
Pick: Steelers (-7.5)
LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-3.5)
Ladies and gentlemen, it is officially time to skip over this week’s dumpster fire of atrociousness the NFL is calling a football game in order to hand out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:
Pick: Giants (-3.5)
SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-1.5)
I have absolutely no way to verify the accuracy of this statement, but I am pretty sure that this is the first time in his career (this will be the 11th game) that Russell Wilson has been an underdog against the Rams. 

Well, because the Rams have not been here before (being favored over a good team), I am going to stick to the "let's let them prove it before we Denny Green their asses" NFL gambling rule and take the HGHawks.
Pick: HGHawks (+1.5)
BALTIMORE RAVENS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3)
The Ravens suck. The Raiders without Derek Carr suck. In turn this NFL contest literally sucks. 

And since that is all of the expert analysis I am prepared to give on this game: How about we use this section to hand out The Informer's Week 5 NFL Super Pick Contest selections and 10-point teaser of the week?

Super Picks Contest Selections:New England (-4.5) Bills (+3.5) Packers (+2.5) Seattle (+1.5) Chiefs (PK)
4 Team 10-point Teaser (all teams must cover to win): Steelers (+5.5) Panthers (+15.5) Packers (+15.5) and Chiefs (+13) . . . Bet $70 to win $50.
Pick: Ravens (+3)
GREEN BAY PACKERS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-3)
Did you know Jason Witten is fourth all time in NFL history with 1,108 catches (trailing in order: Jerry Rice, Tony Gonzalez and Larry Fitzgerald)? Did you also know that Witten needs just six yards to move into the Top 25 for most career receiving yards?
Speaking of elite receivers and weird stats that I find interesting: Did you know heading into this game Dez Bryant has one more career touchdown catch than Packers great Jordy Nelson (69 to 68)? For the sake of clarity, it should be pointed out that Bryant has only played 101 career games compared to Nelson’s 125 games. 
Putting the obscure receiving stats aside and getting back to gambling business; on Sunday I will be following the NFL gambling rule that says whenever Aaron Rodgers is getting points against the Dallas Cowboys, I have no choice but to make Aaron Rodgers my Lion King Lock of the Week. 
Pick: LKLOTW Packers (+3)
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (PK)
The Kansas City Chiefs are 4-0 straight up, 4-0 against the spread and 4-0 in games that Kareem Hunt reaches 100 total scrimmage yards. Now, I can't speak for anyone else, but this "Chiefs being 4-0 thing" seems like a gambling trend I want to partake in. 
Pick: Chiefs (Pk)
MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3)
Here is The Informer’s final fun fact of the day:

Back in 1999 Cade McKnown -- the first bears quarterback drafted in the Top 15 since the Jim McMahon era -- started his first NFL game on October 10th during Week 5 of the 1999 NFL Season. In that game, the McKnown led Bears defeated the Minnesota Vikings 24-22. 
Fast forward 18 years and Mitch Trabanski -- the first Bears quarterback drafted #2 overall since the George Halas era began -- is starting his first NFL game on October 9th during Week 5 of the 2017 NFL Season against the Minnesota Vikings. 
So either this is the biggest coincidence in the history of the world (I don't believe in coincidences), or we are about to see NFL history repeat itself on Monday Night Football with a Chicago Bears rookie QB getting his first win, in his first start, against the Minnesota Vikings. 
#TheTrabanskiEraBegins #DABEARS
Pick: Bears (+3)