Monday, March 11, 2013

"Twilight Breaking Dawn Part Deux"

(Hey guys remember this article actually ran a week ago at check out the site for all your movie book mma and prowrestling needs and wants. . . Its a bad ass site check it out. . . And enjoy Twilight)

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II is the fifth installment of the franchise that follows young human Bella and her vampire boyfriend Edward through a tumultuous love affair.

In Part Two. Bella has given birth to a baby and been transformed into a full-fledged vampire.

We follow along as Bella’s world has been changed, so she is trying to adapt to her  new life.

Along the way we find out that Bella’s friend Jacob, who can turn into a wolf, is also dealing with his new life assignment of protecting her daughter. It’s a wolf thing, don’t ask.

“Informer, what in the hell are you doing?”

A straight foreword movie review of Twilight Breaking Dawn part 2. What does it look like?

“Your joking right?”

In a word, Yeah! Of course I am joking.

Listen, instead of trying to give some coherent review about “Breaking Down Part II” (Impossible) I am just going to give you the rambling thoughts I had while watching. I apologize ahead of time, there is no rhyme or reason for a ramblings article.\

Things The Informer Thought While Watching Breaking Dawn Part II:

I was a little nervous going into this viewing, because I had only watched  two of the twelve Twilight movies, but since this was Breaking Dawn Part II, I figured I would be able to catch up when they did their “Previously on Breaking Dawn Montage.”

You guys remember those from shows like The OC and Beverly Hills 90210 right?. . Teen Dramas always catch you up with a “Previously On Montage.”

So you could imagine my surprise when Breaking Dawn decided to skip the montage and go straight into Bella Brooding. Apparently the “Previously On” montage guy was on vacation they year they made Part II.
The good news, Bella’s brooding didn’t last long (don’t worry it comes back later) because she is now a full fledged vampire. Of course this means her and Edward can have unlimited sex. Not kidding, the first thirty minutes of the movie is them talking about Vampire Sex.

When I mentioned this to my imaginary wife, she got mad because she thought I wanted to watch a Kristin Stewart sex tape. . .  I did what any good husband would do in this situation, I started talking about Taylor Lautner taking his shirt off.

Five minutes later, Lautner was putting the moves on Bella’s dad by stripping naked and turning into a wolf. Now, I am not sure what kind of fetishes you guys are into, but Lautner taking his shirt off and turning into a wolf is slowly climbing my charts. Wait. . . That’s not right.

Moving on, can someone explain to me the obsession with hand-holding in the Twilight world? The whole movie was people going around and holding hands. It was freaking weird? Is hand-holding a Vampire thing? Can someone clarify this for me?

Speaking of weird, the CGI baby was creepy. They say no babies are ugly, well that is not true. Sorry to Bella and Edward, your ugly fake baby that grows up to date your best buddy has no alibi. . .  SHE UGLY!
Ok, I am not saying Twilight was the greatest movie ever, but anytime your climatic scene is Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart having a starring contest you know you have cinematic gold on your hands.

Add in the arm wrestling scene where Bella kicks some dudes ass and then celebrates by punching a volcanic rock, well you are on the right track to having the best movie ever made. I am not joking, vampire arm wrestling.

Informer Note – Being a self proclaimed former professional arm wrestler, I loved watching Bella and her perfect homage to Sly Stallone in “Over the Top”.

Speaking of getting your head ripped off, there is a part where the bad guy kills the Cullen’s dad (The Good Guys) by ripping his head off. It actually had me and my wife up in arms. What a twist. Unfortunately, it turns out that was not the twist,  because the climatic fight scene is only  a vision and doesn’t really happen.

Oh, I am sorry, did I spoil the movie? You’re Welcome.

Anyways, which means quiet down the Informer is brooding, the final scene doesn’t actually happen.

They pull a “Who Shot JR” moment and turn it into a dream sequence. Honestly, my wife hasn’t been this disappointed since our wedding night… Easy guys, I meant because the chicken got over cooked, get your heads out of the gutter.

(For those that don’t remember the 1980’s show Dallas, they had a season that finished with their main character being shot. . . Only when the show got picked up for a new season they had to change the story line so they turned it into a Patrick Duffy dream. I am not making that up, Patrick Duffy was actually in another TV shows besides “Step by Step” who new right? Also for those wondering, Brooding is where you make a face like your really upset and or concentrating really hard while being constipated. Now that we are all on the same page this mid article thought can stop. )

But seriously, who in the blue hell makes the final climatic ending to an “18 Movie Series” a dream sequence. I felt a little like Andy after he spent two years with the sisters. . . AKA Violated.

Then again, since I didn’t actually watch all 34 chapters of the Twilight series it wasn’t that bad for me, but there has to be some pretty upset teenage girls out there.

My other complaint is how did Twilight go from being 90210 with vampires to Kristen Stewart brooding and Dakota Fanning Starring at me until I am uncomfortable?

You do have to give Stewart credit though, she should have been given an Oscar for her performance as the worst actress of all-time. She pulled out all the stops. Between brooding and giving terrible lines, it was awe-inspiring to see someone so dedicated to their role as the worst actress in the history of vampire and teenage dramas.

Somewhere Shannon Doherty is sitting at home yelling at her TV “I’m the moody teenage girl who can’t act or tan dammit.”

Did I mention that Bella’s daughter grows up to date Jacob?

We know this because at the end they have a flash forward to the future montage. So for those scoring at home we know what is going to happen in the next Twilight movie, but they couldn’t give us a freaking refresher montage?

For the love of Dracula, the movie was 118 minutes long, there could have been one gosh damn here is what you missed montage? Did we really need the four minute scene of Edward playing the piano. Just saying, next time skip the piano and give me the montage.

I apologize, I really cant get over the montage thing, but I bet if you asked all of the Twilight feigns out there they would agree with me.

As long as we are asking questions,  how in the blue hell do you spell FEEN? Is it Fein? Phene? Phien? I really have no idea? Hold on let me brood for a second maybe ill figure it out.

Thanks to some major BROODING, and Google search of “Crack Feen” I found out it is spelled FIEND. Now that we got that covered lets get back to Dakota Fanning staring at me awkwardly.

She has no lines in the movie. She just stares at you. I kept waiting for her to tell me she sees dead people. . .  Whats that? Wrong childhood star? Sorry I may have been over served tonight.

Speaking of being drunk, I highly recommend you try and watch this movie sober. I took the challenge and lasted a full seven minutes, all the way to the point where Bella is going to eat a human and Edward stops her so she jumps off a cliff.

At that point I handed my wife the car keys and opened the Natties. No, I wasn’t planning on drunk driving, I gave my wife the car keys so I would not drive off a cliff. . . (Yes that is a “This Movie Was So Bad It Made Me Want To Drive Off A Cliff Joke”)

“Informer are you really going to just make random bad jokes for this entire article? Its called a movie review? Do your job you bum. Breaking Dawn Part II is a love story everyone can relate to”
Wow figment of my imagination, I think you may need counseling. First you want the jokes, now you want the review. Could you please make up your mind?

But ok, let me give you a quick rundown of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II. . .

Bella and Edward have a child but in order for Bella to live she was turned into a vampire by Edward.
Since she is now a vampire their old enemy who is now their buddy, the shirtless wolfman, has been sent to protect the child that other Vampires think maybe a Lucifer baby.

Then the bad guy vampires come to fight the good guy vampires, who are getting help from the wolf people. Before they can fight however, one of the good chicks holds hands with the bad guy who then dreams a vision where he dies so the bad guys decide to retreat.

Bella and Edward live happily ever after while their daughter grows up to fall in love with the shirtless wolfman.

That pretty much covers it.

Here are the five best parts of Twilight:

1. The stare down between Bella and Dakota Fanning.

I was on the edge of my seat because it’s a well known fact that vampires don’t have to blink, so this literally could have went on for ever. Luckily one of the wolf people intervenes and bites Fanning’s head off making Steward the winner.

That really happens, kind of. Since it was actually a dream it didn’t happen, but for a minute my wife was clapping and yelping with joy. In her words after we found out it was a vision, “Wait, so the wolf didn’t really bite Dakota Fanning’s head off?”

2. When the movie ended. . .  Just kidding. . .  But no really when the credits started rolling my eye stopped twitching, so I could only assume my stroke was over.

3. The scene where all the good guy vampires come together to say they will fight. I thought it was the best scene in the movie even if they did steal it from the “Mighty Ducks.”

Remember that scene in Mighty Ducks 2 after captain blood leaves and Gordon Bombay once again becomes a great coach the kids go around in a circle and say how they will fly together as ducks and then they go out and beat Iceland?

Well Twilight did that exact scene right down to the part where Edwards yells “When the roosters crow and the cattle are scattering to the barn, Vampires Fly Together.”

4. The end of the movie look back at Bella and Edward.

Those two kids were so in love.

I feel it is my job to point out that in real life Kristen Stewart and the guy who played Edward used to be lovers. Until Stewart cheated on him.

So when I was crying at the end while screaming “She is going to break your heart Edward, don’t trust her” it wasn’t me talking about Bella and Edward as much as it was me talking about Stewart and Edwards real life name. So see, I didn’t get emotionally invested in Twilight, I was invested in their real life. There is a difference.

5. They left room for a sequel – I don’t know if you guys caught this, but at the end two of the good guy vampires warn the Cullen family that the bad guy vampires will never give them peace, they are falling for the trap.

So, fingers crossed we still have a chance for Twilight Breaking Dawn Ninety One and a Half Part Deux.
I know I will sleep better tonight knowing that there is still a chance.

Informer Note- For factual sake this is supposed to be the final chapter in the Twilight saga. That is why they did the fast forward to the future montage. All jokes about this being the best movie ever aside, please for the love of the eight pound ten ounce bearded baby Jesus, let this be it. I can’t take anymore brooding.

At the end Bella says to Edward “We Don’t Have Much Time”

Edward responds, “We have forever.”

That is a great way to end this reviews, because I have forever to live with the memory that I sat down and watched Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II voluntarily.

“Informer that doesn’t make sense, you said you would never give a bad movie review?”

Well Mr. Fake reader, the good news is I did not give a bad movie review. What I just did was show you a vision of what could have happened if I were to watch Twilight and then write a movie review about it.

I didn’t really write this review. It was all a fake dream sequence. So my claim that I would never write a negative review is still true.

You feel cheated don’t ya? Now you know how I felt.


Maybe I should have mentioned this before, but this fake vision of a movie review is actually two parts long.
Unfortunately, just like the movie I have nothing new to add so I am just going to sit and Brood for awhile, and maybe try holding hands.

Brooding. . .

Brooding. . .

Still Brooding. . .

Holding hands trying to get you guys to see my vision. . .

Back to Brooding. . .

A little more Brooding. . .

And. . .


Like I said Breaking Dawn Part II really SUCKED!!! (Bad Vampires Sucking Blood Pun Intended)

Friday, January 4, 2013

"Informer Movie Review...LOOPER"

The Informer feels like he needs to give a “Spoiler Alert” before we continue with his first ever movie review. (And by “Spoiler Alert” the Informer means an overview of his movie reviewing credentials)

This is not going to be your typical ma and pa Movie Review Blog.

If your looking for sound analysis and in depth movie talk, you are in the wrong place. If your  looking to laugh at the thoughts of a fat guy while he watches movies, then keep reading.

For those that are thinking “Wow they really will let any idiot write a movie review blog.” Well, the Informer agrees with you,  but he is happy that you are choosing this idiots review.

“Informer, besides talking to yourself while writing,  why are you qualified to blog about movies?”

The Informer can spell out his qualifications in a simple two part answer:

1. The Informer’s favorite movie is a biography about a “Rag-Tag” group of oil drillers that saved the world from an asteroid in 1998.

It is called Armageddon.

This is important information to know because the Informer lives everyday based on the beliefs of one Harry S. Stamper. 

AKA WWHSD… “What Would Harry Stamper Do”

“Informer I thought your life motto was  “You live your life a quarter mile at a time?”

Listen made up figment of the Informer’s imagination, we could play this game for days. The Informer’s point was Harry Stamper Saved the world, what have you done today?

2. The Informer will live and die with the belief that “Nick Cage and Vin Diesel are the two greatest American Actors Alive Today. Jason Statham, being British, is the greatest actor alive period. This all goes without saying, but the Informer needs to say it anyways.

(Informer Question - Is Statham British? He always talks with a weird accent in his movies. We may need someone to look this up.)

If this does not sound like the type of guy you want writing your movie reviews,  then the Informer would just ask you to please read anyways.

Because the more you read, the easier it will be for the Informer to become famous and one day meet and shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I have ever met. #Armageddon Quotes

And with that, lets talk “LOOPER”

                                   THE INFORMER REVIEWS THE MOVIES



This is a movie about a mob hit-man starring Bruce Willis (Presumably Playing Himself) who sends bad guys back into time to be killed by a younger version of Bruce Willis. Young Bruce is portrayed by that kid who plays Robin in the new Batman movie (Joseph Gordon-Levitt).

The movie action starts when Bruce’s boss sends him back into time to be killed by a younger version of himself.

The Informer is not sure if he is confused or giddy, but how can this movie possibly be bad? Again it stars “Bruce Freaking Willis,” aka the third greatest American actor alive today, but that goes without saying.


Doc Brown always told Marty that if he ran into his past self in the past,  that things would turn out very badly in the future. Again its time travel so you may need to be a rocket scientist to follow along.

The Informer does know that if Bruce Willis is being sent into the past to be murdered by a younger version of Bruce Willis then the Doc was right!

Nothing good can happen from time traveling and running into your past self.


An updated version of “TIME COP.”

Do you guys remember Time Cop?

It was an awesome mid-nineties time travel movie starring Jean Claude Van Damn.

The Informer knows exactly what your thinking and yes he is fully expecting “Looper” to be the second best time travel movie of all-time. #Nothing Beats Van Dam

Now that we understand what is at stake, the Informer is going to watch his movie.

*************ROUGHLY TWO HOURS LATER****************

Bad news first, this movie is not “Time Cop”.

The Informer is not really sure what he just watched. Pretty sure this turned out to be a time traveling version of X-Man that involves Bruce Willis trying to assassinate children.

The Informer does not know if he liked it, hated it, was entertained, disgusted, turned-on, or flat out repulsed by this movie.

On paper “Looper” has it all; Bruce Willis, that guy from the new Batman, Time-Travel, the Mob, A Crazy Mutant Super Child and the chick from “Coyote Ugly” showing some skin (Piper Pablo).

But then you take away the paper and you have a movie that doesn’t know if it wants to be Time-Cop or X-Men.


Is Bruce Willis the good guy or the bad guy?

 The Informer seems to think that Old Bruce (Played By Bruce Willis) ends up as the bad guy, while young Bruce (Played by Robin from Batman)  becomes the savior, and the mutant child (Who is some future guy named Rainmaker) goes form being a horrible future person to presumably living happily ever after as a good person with his moms?  

Like the Informer said, not really sure what just happened.

The Informer’s wife summed it up best;

“I did not like it, not only did you not cuddle with me because you said you had to write your stupid blog, but then you made me watch a movie where Bruce Willis goes around and tries to kill children. I’m going to bed.”

Needless to say the Informer’s wife will not be watching Looper a second time.

“Informer if your going to give away plots of the movie while using your made up wife you need to give a Spoiler Alert. Some of us have not seen this movie yet.”

You know what, the imaginary voice in the Informer’s head is correct. He should have given a spoiler alert. The Informer apologizes, he is new to the movie review business. Lets try it again…

Spoiler Alert - At one point in the movie Bruce Willis decides the only way for him to survive is to go back in time and kill one of the three possible children that could have become this mystery character named the “Rainmaker.”

Another Spoiler Alert - The “Rainmaker” is the guy who is trying to kill all the Loppers in the year 2070 (Old Bruce Willis), because when the Rainmaker was a kid his mother was killed by a Looper in the year 2044 (Apparently also Old Bruce Willis).

Like the Informer said, its confusing.

Here is “Looper” in a nutshell…

Young Bruce Willis kills people for a living, but knows that in the future when his time is up they will send Old Bruce Willis back into time to be killed by Young Bruce Willis. (Makes sense so far.)

At that point in time Young Bruce Willis will quit his job as a Looper (Time Traveling Hit Man) and spends the rest of his 30 years of life spending all the money he made as a contract time traveling hit man.

It sounds like a pretty sweet gig.

Of course things go wrong when young Bruce Willis doesn’t actually kill old Bruce Willis.

This leads to both Bruce’s meeting up in a old time diner talking about the future/past/present. Like the Informer said, it gets confusing.

Anyways, which means please keep your mouth shut and let the Informer finish his movie review, while meeting at the diner Old Bruce Willis talks about this “Rainmaker” that is killing off all the Loopers in 7044.

Old Bruce reports that this guy is actually a child in the present time, 2044 apparently.

Old Bruce’s plan is to kill off the child before he can grow up to become the “Rainmaker.” This would obviously lead to Bruce being able to go back to his life as a married Chinese man. The Informer is not even joking, Old Bruce is a married Chinese man. (And you thought Time Travel was confusing)

Naturally, young Bruce Willis does not believe this story and vows to kill Old Bruce Willis. During all of this the bad guys who employ Young Bruce Willis are trying to kill them both off.

This all leads to an ending where Old Bruce Willis is trying to kill the child “Rainmaker” who also happens to have some special X-Man Powers, while young Bruce Willis is trying to save said child from old Bruce Willis.

And Movie!!!!!!

Like the Informer said, its confusing as sh*t.

Then again, it is a time travel movie where the younger version just wants to kill the older version of himself, so maybe it all actually makes sense and the Informer is the moron.


1. Why does that Pablo girl do nude scenes in this movie?

Wasn’t she the lead character of one of the greatest dude-chick flicks of all time (Coyote Ugly)?

Now she is showing skin in some X-Cop movie.

Yes the Informer just combined Xman and Time Cop into one word and created his new movie called X-Cop.

No, the Informer is not complaining about the use of nudity, but he is definitely asking why the Coyote Ugly chick would take this role? Just like this movie, it didn’t make any sense for her to go nude. Just saying.

2. Why is the getaway truck a 1997 Ford F-150?

Its is the year 2044, wouldn’t you be driving something other then the 1997 Ford f-150? 

You know, something that was not 47 years old?

That would be like the Informer running from a killer while driving a 1993 Ford Thunderbird. (The Informer is not great at math, was 1993 forty seven years ago?)

Listen, the Informer has no issues with Time Travel, Special Guns, Flying motorcycles, but you can’t make a future movie and make the get-away truck a 1997 FORD F-150.

It damn near ruined the movie for the Informer.

3. Maybe Looper has a number of holes, and is a little twisted, but in the end the Informer was entertained.

This is not the best movie the Informer has ever watched, but it is not the “PIANO” either.  (Is the Piano that piece of sh*t movie the Informer watched last year that almost won an Oscar? You know that black and white silent film thing? It really sucked)

If your looking for a movie where there is a lot of murder, some nudity and Bruce Willis? 

Then the Informer recommends the LOOPER.

If your looking for a movie that is not confusing, makes tons of sense and doesn’t have Bruce Willis hunting down children that may turn out to be the spawn of Satan, then you should probably skip renting LOOPER.

Honestly, If the Informer could go back into time he would watch this movie once and then go on to spend his next thirty years trying to half forget and half figure out what the hell he just watched.

The Informer’s Final Rating is this:

LOOPER IS NOT TIME COP… If you want to watch an awesome time travel movie, rent Time-Cop.

If you want to watch an awesome Bruce Willis movie,  rent Die Hard.

If you need to kill some time while being entertained and you want to see that chick from Coyote Ugly take her shirt off for no apparent reason,  rent this movie.

6 out of 10 Informers