The Informer’s favorite thing to do is sit around and read old Sports Illustrated Articles. Well, if you are sitting at work or home being bored here are some of the Informer’s favorites.
Jordan’s Last Season
http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1012804/index.htm?eref=sihp
Rick Reiley
Jordan vs. Kobe: I enjoy this article just because it says that Kobe never shows up in the back of a squad car.
Yes, this was before Mr. Bryant went to Colorado.
http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1028164/index.htm
Kevin Garnett’s First Article
http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1006749/index.htm
Love Larry Legend
http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1064545/index.htm
Use a G-D Condom Professional Athletes
http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1012762/index.htm
Obviously I need at least one Randy article
http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1112796/index.htm
You have to love Ken Griffey Jr.
http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1015908/2/index.htm
Formation of The Best Team Ever
http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1118882/index.htm
Jordan’s First Retirement
http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1118882/index.htm
The Chuckster
http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1025100/index.htm
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
"Bad Day For A Legend"
The other day the Informer was “Facebook Stalking” when he came across a picture that brought back memories of the Informer’s worst birthday ever.
Before we get to that story, the Informer is going to give you little background.
You see back in the wonderful world of Schuyler Nebraska, when the Informer was just a little guy, he went by another name.
Actually the Informer used to have many names, but the one he liked the most was AYSO Legend.
Yes, the Informer was and still is a soccer legend in some parts of Nebraska.
If you don’t believe the Informer check out these stats from the Informer’s 2nd year playing organized soccer.
Note- The Informer was in first grade when he started playing AYSO soccer, but at the time he was playing a grade up and did not really thrive. But what a difference a year made.
38 Goals in nine games - No that is not a typo
6 Goals in the first game of the season, including a half court/field shot to end the game
Led team to an 8-01 record
Self-proclaimed M.V.P. of the League
At least five goals after stealing the ball from teammates
(Ask the Nasty One he has seen the film of the Informer actually stealing the ball from one of his teammates and then going in for a goal. Man the Informer was awesome.)
And even though the Informer was an offensive machine, he always spent one quarter a game as the goalie, if the Informer’s memory is as good as he thinks it is, the Informer doesn’t think he was ever scored on.
Maybe your still having a hard time buying that the Informer was a soccer legend, let me tell you another story.
Two summers ago the Informer was attending his cousin Heath’s wedding in Schuyler. During the reception the Informer ran into one of his old friends Turner.
Now Turner had just been named the Division Two Basketball Player of the Year. Basically the guy was a basketball legend. Of course the Informer walks up to Turner says hello and then says “I hear that you are some kind of big shot basketball player these days?”
Turner’s response “I’m still not an AYSO legend like you man.”
Here is a division two basketball player of the year, who the Informer has not seen since the third grade, and all this guy wants to do is talk about the Informer playing soccer.
I swear to God I am not making all of this up. The Informer used to be athletically gifted.
Anyways, back to the story.
As you may have noticed the Informer’s team went 8-0-1. That is eight wins and one tie.
That tie came on April 20th 1992. The Informer’s eighth birthday.
So the Informer is “Facebook Stalking” one of his old Schuyler friends when he notices a girl named Jackie Kerli in one of the pictures.
And the memories start coming back.
You see, as much as the Informer was a legend, which he was, Jackie was by far the second best player in the league.
In fact, if the Informer was ranking female athletes he has played against or seen play, she would be number one.
She is also the person responsible for giving the Informer his only tie of the season. . .And on his birthday no less. . . I’m telling you this chick was cold hearted.
Anyways on April 20th 1992 the Informer woke up to his normal birthday routine:
Watch Wrestlemania VII - The one where Hogan defeats the evil Sgt. Slaughter.
Eat a bowl of Lucky Charms.
Finish his glass of Orange Juice. (This was pre/vodka Informer so to answer your question. . . No, the juice was not spiked)
Put on his soccer uniform . . .Shin Guards, Green Socks, Cleats, Green Shorts and Yellow Jersey. . .We were The Mighty Ducks.
(Yes the team captain got to choose the team name, obviously we all know who the captain was)
Head to the field for a ten o’clock kickoff.
As the game started the Informer did his usual damage. He led the Ducks to a 3-0 halftime lead.
By led the Ducks, the Informer means that he scored three goals in the first half.
In the third quarter the Informer got his routine rest. Just like Phil Jackson always takes Kobe out to start the 4th quarter, the Informer always sat our the third quarter.
That’s when something bad happened. Kerli saw the Informer sitting on the bench and made here move.
By the time the Informer was able to check back in (the beginning of the 4th quarter) she had led her team all the way back and we were all tied up at 3-3.
Since the Informer already told you that he finished the season with one tie, you can probably figure out the outcome.
This may not sound like a big deal, but the Informer still wakes up in the middle of the night wondering how he and the Ducks let this game slip away.
We had a chance to go undefeated and instead we came away with a tie.
Maybe she doesn’t remember this game, and hell she probably wouldn’t even know the Informer’s name if someone asked her about me, but the Informer will never forget her.
She caused the Informer to have the worst birthday of his life.
It was either that or the fact that she wouldn’t be the Informer’s second grade girlfriend.
Anyways. . .that is the story of the Informer’s worst birthday ever and the cold-hearted bit. . .
(Sorry due to complications and the Informer going temporarily insane this blog is being cut short)
Before we get to that story, the Informer is going to give you little background.
You see back in the wonderful world of Schuyler Nebraska, when the Informer was just a little guy, he went by another name.
Actually the Informer used to have many names, but the one he liked the most was AYSO Legend.
Yes, the Informer was and still is a soccer legend in some parts of Nebraska.
If you don’t believe the Informer check out these stats from the Informer’s 2nd year playing organized soccer.
Note- The Informer was in first grade when he started playing AYSO soccer, but at the time he was playing a grade up and did not really thrive. But what a difference a year made.
38 Goals in nine games - No that is not a typo
6 Goals in the first game of the season, including a half court/field shot to end the game
Led team to an 8-01 record
Self-proclaimed M.V.P. of the League
At least five goals after stealing the ball from teammates
(Ask the Nasty One he has seen the film of the Informer actually stealing the ball from one of his teammates and then going in for a goal. Man the Informer was awesome.)
And even though the Informer was an offensive machine, he always spent one quarter a game as the goalie, if the Informer’s memory is as good as he thinks it is, the Informer doesn’t think he was ever scored on.
Maybe your still having a hard time buying that the Informer was a soccer legend, let me tell you another story.
Two summers ago the Informer was attending his cousin Heath’s wedding in Schuyler. During the reception the Informer ran into one of his old friends Turner.
Now Turner had just been named the Division Two Basketball Player of the Year. Basically the guy was a basketball legend. Of course the Informer walks up to Turner says hello and then says “I hear that you are some kind of big shot basketball player these days?”
Turner’s response “I’m still not an AYSO legend like you man.”
Here is a division two basketball player of the year, who the Informer has not seen since the third grade, and all this guy wants to do is talk about the Informer playing soccer.
I swear to God I am not making all of this up. The Informer used to be athletically gifted.
Anyways, back to the story.
As you may have noticed the Informer’s team went 8-0-1. That is eight wins and one tie.
That tie came on April 20th 1992. The Informer’s eighth birthday.
So the Informer is “Facebook Stalking” one of his old Schuyler friends when he notices a girl named Jackie Kerli in one of the pictures.
And the memories start coming back.
You see, as much as the Informer was a legend, which he was, Jackie was by far the second best player in the league.
In fact, if the Informer was ranking female athletes he has played against or seen play, she would be number one.
She is also the person responsible for giving the Informer his only tie of the season. . .And on his birthday no less. . . I’m telling you this chick was cold hearted.
Anyways on April 20th 1992 the Informer woke up to his normal birthday routine:
Watch Wrestlemania VII - The one where Hogan defeats the evil Sgt. Slaughter.
Eat a bowl of Lucky Charms.
Finish his glass of Orange Juice. (This was pre/vodka Informer so to answer your question. . . No, the juice was not spiked)
Put on his soccer uniform . . .Shin Guards, Green Socks, Cleats, Green Shorts and Yellow Jersey. . .We were The Mighty Ducks.
(Yes the team captain got to choose the team name, obviously we all know who the captain was)
Head to the field for a ten o’clock kickoff.
As the game started the Informer did his usual damage. He led the Ducks to a 3-0 halftime lead.
By led the Ducks, the Informer means that he scored three goals in the first half.
In the third quarter the Informer got his routine rest. Just like Phil Jackson always takes Kobe out to start the 4th quarter, the Informer always sat our the third quarter.
That’s when something bad happened. Kerli saw the Informer sitting on the bench and made here move.
By the time the Informer was able to check back in (the beginning of the 4th quarter) she had led her team all the way back and we were all tied up at 3-3.
Since the Informer already told you that he finished the season with one tie, you can probably figure out the outcome.
This may not sound like a big deal, but the Informer still wakes up in the middle of the night wondering how he and the Ducks let this game slip away.
We had a chance to go undefeated and instead we came away with a tie.
Maybe she doesn’t remember this game, and hell she probably wouldn’t even know the Informer’s name if someone asked her about me, but the Informer will never forget her.
She caused the Informer to have the worst birthday of his life.
It was either that or the fact that she wouldn’t be the Informer’s second grade girlfriend.
Anyways. . .that is the story of the Informer’s worst birthday ever and the cold-hearted bit. . .
(Sorry due to complications and the Informer going temporarily insane this blog is being cut short)
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
"Siskel and Informer at the Movies"
Since the last time the Informer wrote a blog he has heard one thing, “Mr. Informer your last few blogs seem like you are trying to hard to be funny.”
The Informer would actually agree with this criticism. The fact of the matter is, the Informer was getting worn down and needed to take a little “Blog Break” to rejuvenate his juices.
With that said, the Informer is back in full force with a little blog about his ten favorite non-comedy movies of all-time.
The reason the Informer is doing non-comedy is because he doesn’t think you the reader would really enjoy another blog about Adam Sandler and Super Troopers.
Before we get started, I would like to warn the Zest beforehand that I did not put Braveheart in my top 10, but the Informer is guran-damn-teeing that he will agree with my choice for Number 1.
Lets get to the list:
10. Dazed and Confused
“Come on Informer, tenth, this movie is at least in the top 5?”
The Informer would normally agree, but he changed his mind the other night after watching VH1’s top 40 “Hot Hotties of the 90’s.”
Let me explain.
Growing up in the 90’s every guys top five hotties list would have included some version of the following:
A young Britney, Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, said person’s random crush from the 90’s (For the Informer it would be Nicole Eggert. Yes, the same girl who once dated Charles and Charge.) and of course everyone’s favorite high school cheerleader, Kelly Kapowski.
So the Informer tunes into the show to see where Tiffany Amber Theissen was going to be on the list.
She had to be top five, right?
Turns out VH1 decided to put Tiffany in the 40th slot, two spots behind some gay-male model the Informer has never even heard of.
What VH1 was doing is the same thing the Informer is doing, by putting Theissen first on their countdown (40th overall) people like the Informer would keep watching just to see who they actually thought was hotter then Kelly.
So that is why Dazed is rated so low on the list, to make you keep reading to find out what movies the Informer actually thinks are better.
If the Informer is following VH1’s lead, I’m guessing that Brokeback Mountain is going to be number eight, lets find out.
9. Forrest Gump
The Informer is a sucker for a good story. Well, there is not a better story then that of Gump.
Let’s see:
Meet Elvis Pressley - Check
Win the Heisman Trophy - Check
Become a Vietnam War Hero - Check
"Date" a girl who posed for Playboy - Check
(The Informer is using quotations here because he doesn't really mean date, he means something else. But since this is a family friendly site, you the reader will have to look at the quotations and use your imagination)
Become one of the Richest Men in the World - Check
Run across the country - Check
Have your kid (Haley Joe Osmond) star in the 6th sense alongside Bruce Willis - Check
You have to admit that is a pretty damn good story.
8. Rounders
“Cheese and Rice Informer, Rounders? Really?”
The Informer apologizes but this was his go to movie in college. (I know, it explains a lot)
The Informer thinks that this is a really good movie about a buddy who can’t let go of his old friends and lifestyle, not about poker.
Actually, Worm (Ed Norton) is probably the worst best friend a human being could have, yet to Matt Damon he will always be his best friend, no matter what.
Isn’t that a movie you would like to see?
Instead, everyone thinks that if you like this movie you are either a degenerate gambler or one hand away from “1-800 Bets Off.”
Whatever the Informer likes this movie, and it is his list so he is putting it on there.
Now if you will excuse me, I have a phone call to make.
7. The Departed
The Informer had to put a mafia movie in here.
But, since he has a rule that movies from the 1970’s, no matter how good, can’t be used in his list it came down to this movie and Goodfellas.
Turns out the Informer likes Matt Damon and Leo Dicaprio a lot more then he likes Ray Liotta.
I know what your thinking, “Informer you don’t like the guy who played Shoeless Joe Jackson in Eight Men Out?”
So maybe I didn’t know what you were actually thinking but I do now, “Who in the blue hell is Shoeless Joe Jackson, and what the hell is Eight Men Out?”
The Informer’s favorite part of the Departed is the ending. If you haven’t seen the movie the Informer is not going to ruin the ending, but let’s just say that everyone dies except Mark Walberg’s character.
6. The Unforgiven
Story about a killer (Clint Eastwood) turned father, while struggling to stay clean and out of trouble before eventually getting “Hammered” and killing everyone.
The Informer loves this movie, and thinks it is the best Western (Not the hotel, the movie genre) ever made.
Here is the thing, Western’s are a hard thing to place because to many people feel very strongly that certain one’s are better then others.
For example the Informer’s former roommate Craig thinks that Tombstone is the best movie ever made.
The Informer is telling you this for one reason, all western’s are the same, except for The Unforgiven, and that is why it is on the list.
The Informer is confusing himself, we should move on before he has another stroke.
5. Troy
Great fight scenes. Great Actors (With the exception of Orlando Bloom, he sucks). Great Story. Great History. Brad Pitt.
Does the Informer really have to explain why this movie made the Top 5.
Plus, as an added bonus, the Informer knows it pisses people off when he says that Troy is way better than 300.
Well people, I see Troy on the list, but no 300.
I think my point has been proven.
4. Good Will Hunting
So the Informer is going to go out on a limb and say that his favorite actor is Matt Damon.
Also, no matter what anyone says, the Informer enjoys Ben Afflack.
Which reminds me, when the Informer does his Top 10 “Awesome Cheesy Movies Blog” he promises that Armageddon will be number 1.
And no, it has nothing to do with someone from the Informer’s past, he just loves that movie.
I could stay awake. . .just to hear you breathing. . .watch you smile while you are sleeping. . .why your far away and dreaming. . .cause I don’t wanna miss a thing. . .
You see, that is not creepy at all.
3. American History X
This movie has two of the most gruesome scenes in movie history. The Informer is honestly wondering which one is worse.
Prison Shower Scene or Bite the Curb
Either way, the Informer loves this movie.
If you haven’t wathced X, it is about a “Skinhead” (Norton) who goes to prison for killing a guy.
While in prison he meets a person of opposite race, who helps Norton realize that his ways are very ignorant.
Unfortunately by the time he gets out of prison, his younger brother has already been corrupted.
Needless to say, this movie does not end happily, but life rarely does.
Bonus: The Dad from “Boy Meets World” plays a racist fire-fighter in this movie, not sure why that is a bonus but it made the Informer laugh.
2. Ghostbusters
Hey it is the Informer’s favorite movie of all-time.
And the Winner Is. . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
1. Anything with Vin Diesel
Did you actually think we would get through a top 10 movie list without one appearance from Triple X.
For the love of God, this man once escaped from a prison that could not be escaped from.
And he is the man who taught all of us to live our lives a quarter mile at a time.
In all honesty, when the Informer is trying to pick a religion for his children, “The Chronicles of Riddick” will be at the top of the list.
Its good to be back.
The Informer would actually agree with this criticism. The fact of the matter is, the Informer was getting worn down and needed to take a little “Blog Break” to rejuvenate his juices.
With that said, the Informer is back in full force with a little blog about his ten favorite non-comedy movies of all-time.
The reason the Informer is doing non-comedy is because he doesn’t think you the reader would really enjoy another blog about Adam Sandler and Super Troopers.
Before we get started, I would like to warn the Zest beforehand that I did not put Braveheart in my top 10, but the Informer is guran-damn-teeing that he will agree with my choice for Number 1.
Lets get to the list:
10. Dazed and Confused
“Come on Informer, tenth, this movie is at least in the top 5?”
The Informer would normally agree, but he changed his mind the other night after watching VH1’s top 40 “Hot Hotties of the 90’s.”
Let me explain.
Growing up in the 90’s every guys top five hotties list would have included some version of the following:
A young Britney, Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, said person’s random crush from the 90’s (For the Informer it would be Nicole Eggert. Yes, the same girl who once dated Charles and Charge.) and of course everyone’s favorite high school cheerleader, Kelly Kapowski.
So the Informer tunes into the show to see where Tiffany Amber Theissen was going to be on the list.
She had to be top five, right?
Turns out VH1 decided to put Tiffany in the 40th slot, two spots behind some gay-male model the Informer has never even heard of.
What VH1 was doing is the same thing the Informer is doing, by putting Theissen first on their countdown (40th overall) people like the Informer would keep watching just to see who they actually thought was hotter then Kelly.
So that is why Dazed is rated so low on the list, to make you keep reading to find out what movies the Informer actually thinks are better.
If the Informer is following VH1’s lead, I’m guessing that Brokeback Mountain is going to be number eight, lets find out.
9. Forrest Gump
The Informer is a sucker for a good story. Well, there is not a better story then that of Gump.
Let’s see:
Meet Elvis Pressley - Check
Win the Heisman Trophy - Check
Become a Vietnam War Hero - Check
"Date" a girl who posed for Playboy - Check
(The Informer is using quotations here because he doesn't really mean date, he means something else. But since this is a family friendly site, you the reader will have to look at the quotations and use your imagination)
Become one of the Richest Men in the World - Check
Run across the country - Check
Have your kid (Haley Joe Osmond) star in the 6th sense alongside Bruce Willis - Check
You have to admit that is a pretty damn good story.
8. Rounders
“Cheese and Rice Informer, Rounders? Really?”
The Informer apologizes but this was his go to movie in college. (I know, it explains a lot)
The Informer thinks that this is a really good movie about a buddy who can’t let go of his old friends and lifestyle, not about poker.
Actually, Worm (Ed Norton) is probably the worst best friend a human being could have, yet to Matt Damon he will always be his best friend, no matter what.
Isn’t that a movie you would like to see?
Instead, everyone thinks that if you like this movie you are either a degenerate gambler or one hand away from “1-800 Bets Off.”
Whatever the Informer likes this movie, and it is his list so he is putting it on there.
Now if you will excuse me, I have a phone call to make.
7. The Departed
The Informer had to put a mafia movie in here.
But, since he has a rule that movies from the 1970’s, no matter how good, can’t be used in his list it came down to this movie and Goodfellas.
Turns out the Informer likes Matt Damon and Leo Dicaprio a lot more then he likes Ray Liotta.
I know what your thinking, “Informer you don’t like the guy who played Shoeless Joe Jackson in Eight Men Out?”
So maybe I didn’t know what you were actually thinking but I do now, “Who in the blue hell is Shoeless Joe Jackson, and what the hell is Eight Men Out?”
The Informer’s favorite part of the Departed is the ending. If you haven’t seen the movie the Informer is not going to ruin the ending, but let’s just say that everyone dies except Mark Walberg’s character.
6. The Unforgiven
Story about a killer (Clint Eastwood) turned father, while struggling to stay clean and out of trouble before eventually getting “Hammered” and killing everyone.
The Informer loves this movie, and thinks it is the best Western (Not the hotel, the movie genre) ever made.
Here is the thing, Western’s are a hard thing to place because to many people feel very strongly that certain one’s are better then others.
For example the Informer’s former roommate Craig thinks that Tombstone is the best movie ever made.
The Informer is telling you this for one reason, all western’s are the same, except for The Unforgiven, and that is why it is on the list.
The Informer is confusing himself, we should move on before he has another stroke.
5. Troy
Great fight scenes. Great Actors (With the exception of Orlando Bloom, he sucks). Great Story. Great History. Brad Pitt.
Does the Informer really have to explain why this movie made the Top 5.
Plus, as an added bonus, the Informer knows it pisses people off when he says that Troy is way better than 300.
Well people, I see Troy on the list, but no 300.
I think my point has been proven.
4. Good Will Hunting
So the Informer is going to go out on a limb and say that his favorite actor is Matt Damon.
Also, no matter what anyone says, the Informer enjoys Ben Afflack.
Which reminds me, when the Informer does his Top 10 “Awesome Cheesy Movies Blog” he promises that Armageddon will be number 1.
And no, it has nothing to do with someone from the Informer’s past, he just loves that movie.
I could stay awake. . .just to hear you breathing. . .watch you smile while you are sleeping. . .why your far away and dreaming. . .cause I don’t wanna miss a thing. . .
You see, that is not creepy at all.
3. American History X
This movie has two of the most gruesome scenes in movie history. The Informer is honestly wondering which one is worse.
Prison Shower Scene or Bite the Curb
Either way, the Informer loves this movie.
If you haven’t wathced X, it is about a “Skinhead” (Norton) who goes to prison for killing a guy.
While in prison he meets a person of opposite race, who helps Norton realize that his ways are very ignorant.
Unfortunately by the time he gets out of prison, his younger brother has already been corrupted.
Needless to say, this movie does not end happily, but life rarely does.
Bonus: The Dad from “Boy Meets World” plays a racist fire-fighter in this movie, not sure why that is a bonus but it made the Informer laugh.
2. Ghostbusters
Hey it is the Informer’s favorite movie of all-time.
And the Winner Is. . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
1. Anything with Vin Diesel
Did you actually think we would get through a top 10 movie list without one appearance from Triple X.
For the love of God, this man once escaped from a prison that could not be escaped from.
And he is the man who taught all of us to live our lives a quarter mile at a time.
In all honesty, when the Informer is trying to pick a religion for his children, “The Chronicles of Riddick” will be at the top of the list.
Its good to be back.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
"Television Writer"
(Informer Note - The following story you are about to read is completely false. The Informer is doing his best to try and show some Hollywood people that he has the talent to be a television writer. In no way does the following fictional story have anything to do with the recent events of Mr. Roger Clemens. The Informer assures you that he made all of this story up in his mind and decided that you the reader should have a chance to read it. Thank you and enjoy)
Narrator - “Tonight on a very special “How To Catch A Predator” a former baseball star is caught with his cleats off. Let tonight’s episode be a reminder to all, no matter how much money or fame you have, if you are a predator we will find you..”
First Act:
Chris Hansen Host - “Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us here tonight. We are located in the house of famous 15-year old country music star Cindi McYoungster. We are here tonight because of the rumors that a former major league baseball star, Grenade Launcher Lemons, has been carrying on a illegal and illicit affair with the young McYoungster. Hopefully with a little help from our T.V. cameras we can figure out why this is happening, and of course take a predator off the streets.”
(As we fade to the first commercial of the night, the Doorbell rings, things are about to pick up)
Act Two:
Narrator - As we are coming out of the commercial break we have our special undercover agent Shirly Looksyoung telling our predator to come on in side. As she is supposedly just getting out of the shower, she has left our guy alone in the kitchen to make himself comfortable. Little does he know he is about to have his life changed.
S.L. - Come on in Grenade (from the other room) I am just going to finish getting ready, make yourself at home.
G.L. - “Okay Baby (In a Deep I do Steroids Voice), but hurry up, you know the Launcher could go off at any minute.”
S.L. - “O Grenade, your so pushy.”
G.L. - “Sorry baby, sometimes my medicine gives me rage, I’ll calm down.”
"Enter Chris Hansen"
Chris Hansen - “Mr. Lemons, I am Chris Hansen from the T.V. show “How To Catch A Predator” I was hoping I would be able to ask you some questions.”
G.L. - “What the hell is going on here, the Launcher is just here to get a new copy of McYoungster’s C.D not to be on some “Catch a Predator show?”
C.H. - “Is that how you are going to approach this Mr. Lemons, that you were only here to get a CD?”
G.L. - “The truth will set you free my man, and I am just here for the music, as you can see the Launcher is no predator.”
C.H. - “Well, the owner of the baseball team that you stole 28 million dollars from last year may think differently, but that is for another time and place, today we are trying to figure out why you are over at a 15-year old girls house unsupervised.”
G.L. - “Listen man, the Launcher is a married man with children, why in the hell would you think I was here to do anything other then listen to this girls music?”
C.H. - Well Grenade, the fact that you are carrying a bottle of wine, some pills and a box of rubbers doesn’t help your case. O and the fact that you are wearing nothing but a bath robe.”
(At this point Mr. Lemons pushes his chair over and starts heading for the nearest exit as we head to our second commercial break)
Back from Break:
C.H. - “Where are you going, I am not finished with my interview?”
G.L. - “I am not going to sit here and listen to these accusations, everyone knows that when the Launcher isn’t pitching he only wears a bathrobe, and I can assure you these pills are not for little girls.”
C.H. - “That’s fine Mr. Lemons, you are free to go at any time, but know this, when you walk outside there are two police officers waiting to Goldberg you to the ground and then taser the sh*t out of you.”
G.L. - “What do you want from me man, you are sitting here trying to take my life away, I am not some murderer, I am just a married man who made a mistake?”
C.H. - “No Mr. Launcher, you are a predator who is going to prison, where you will never be able to prey on young country music stars ever again.”
(As we head to our third and final commercial Chris motions to the doors as a police officer barges through and “Goldberg’s” the Launcher before proceeding to taser the sh*t out of him)
Back from Break:
Narrator - “Mr. Lemons was once considered the greatest pitcher in baseball. At one time he was worth over 20 million dollars a year. But when you are a predator we will find you, and today thanks to some great work by Mr. Wallace a bad person is off the streets. We said it at the beginning and we will say it again, no matter who you are or what you have done, if you are a bad man we will find you and send you where you belong, sitting in a 8x8 cell. Thank you again for joining us tonight, and have a safe and predator free week.”
(With the credits rolling we get a sneak peak at a debut show”)
Promotional Narrator - “Tonight on a very special “Treynor Hills 51575, A struggling writer turns to booze for a quick fix, will his buddies step up and save the day, or will they join in the trouble? Find out next!”
If you did not enjoy the Informer audition for a Hollywood Writing job, just remember I am only a click away from finding Mr. Hansen’s phone number online and sending him to your house.
So I suggest that you pretend you enjoyed it.
O, and remember that story you just read was completely fictional. (Is fictional the word that means not true, or is that Non Fiction?
Whatever, the story you read was completely fictional, or Non-Fictional.
It was one of the two.
Narrator - “Tonight on a very special “How To Catch A Predator” a former baseball star is caught with his cleats off. Let tonight’s episode be a reminder to all, no matter how much money or fame you have, if you are a predator we will find you..”
First Act:
Chris Hansen Host - “Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us here tonight. We are located in the house of famous 15-year old country music star Cindi McYoungster. We are here tonight because of the rumors that a former major league baseball star, Grenade Launcher Lemons, has been carrying on a illegal and illicit affair with the young McYoungster. Hopefully with a little help from our T.V. cameras we can figure out why this is happening, and of course take a predator off the streets.”
(As we fade to the first commercial of the night, the Doorbell rings, things are about to pick up)
Act Two:
Narrator - As we are coming out of the commercial break we have our special undercover agent Shirly Looksyoung telling our predator to come on in side. As she is supposedly just getting out of the shower, she has left our guy alone in the kitchen to make himself comfortable. Little does he know he is about to have his life changed.
S.L. - Come on in Grenade (from the other room) I am just going to finish getting ready, make yourself at home.
G.L. - “Okay Baby (In a Deep I do Steroids Voice), but hurry up, you know the Launcher could go off at any minute.”
S.L. - “O Grenade, your so pushy.”
G.L. - “Sorry baby, sometimes my medicine gives me rage, I’ll calm down.”
"Enter Chris Hansen"
Chris Hansen - “Mr. Lemons, I am Chris Hansen from the T.V. show “How To Catch A Predator” I was hoping I would be able to ask you some questions.”
G.L. - “What the hell is going on here, the Launcher is just here to get a new copy of McYoungster’s C.D not to be on some “Catch a Predator show?”
C.H. - “Is that how you are going to approach this Mr. Lemons, that you were only here to get a CD?”
G.L. - “The truth will set you free my man, and I am just here for the music, as you can see the Launcher is no predator.”
C.H. - “Well, the owner of the baseball team that you stole 28 million dollars from last year may think differently, but that is for another time and place, today we are trying to figure out why you are over at a 15-year old girls house unsupervised.”
G.L. - “Listen man, the Launcher is a married man with children, why in the hell would you think I was here to do anything other then listen to this girls music?”
C.H. - Well Grenade, the fact that you are carrying a bottle of wine, some pills and a box of rubbers doesn’t help your case. O and the fact that you are wearing nothing but a bath robe.”
(At this point Mr. Lemons pushes his chair over and starts heading for the nearest exit as we head to our second commercial break)
Back from Break:
C.H. - “Where are you going, I am not finished with my interview?”
G.L. - “I am not going to sit here and listen to these accusations, everyone knows that when the Launcher isn’t pitching he only wears a bathrobe, and I can assure you these pills are not for little girls.”
C.H. - “That’s fine Mr. Lemons, you are free to go at any time, but know this, when you walk outside there are two police officers waiting to Goldberg you to the ground and then taser the sh*t out of you.”
G.L. - “What do you want from me man, you are sitting here trying to take my life away, I am not some murderer, I am just a married man who made a mistake?”
C.H. - “No Mr. Launcher, you are a predator who is going to prison, where you will never be able to prey on young country music stars ever again.”
(As we head to our third and final commercial Chris motions to the doors as a police officer barges through and “Goldberg’s” the Launcher before proceeding to taser the sh*t out of him)
Back from Break:
Narrator - “Mr. Lemons was once considered the greatest pitcher in baseball. At one time he was worth over 20 million dollars a year. But when you are a predator we will find you, and today thanks to some great work by Mr. Wallace a bad person is off the streets. We said it at the beginning and we will say it again, no matter who you are or what you have done, if you are a bad man we will find you and send you where you belong, sitting in a 8x8 cell. Thank you again for joining us tonight, and have a safe and predator free week.”
(With the credits rolling we get a sneak peak at a debut show”)
Promotional Narrator - “Tonight on a very special “Treynor Hills 51575, A struggling writer turns to booze for a quick fix, will his buddies step up and save the day, or will they join in the trouble? Find out next!”
If you did not enjoy the Informer audition for a Hollywood Writing job, just remember I am only a click away from finding Mr. Hansen’s phone number online and sending him to your house.
So I suggest that you pretend you enjoyed it.
O, and remember that story you just read was completely fictional. (Is fictional the word that means not true, or is that Non Fiction?
Whatever, the story you read was completely fictional, or Non-Fictional.
It was one of the two.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Its the 75th SAG Awards
Lets do a little Bill Simmons running diary of the SAG Awards on TNT, with some updates from the Royal Rumble.
The Informer is not sure what the SAG awards are but Bragelina is here, and Britney Spears was not invited, so it must be important.
6:47- We are currently watching the pregame show on E. Glenn Close is on the screen talking about Johnny Depp, hopefully this will lead to Fatal Attraction II where Close falls head over heels psycho for Edward Scissor Hands. Hey, If Martin Luther can have a dream, so can the Informer.
6:50- Current movies the Informer can chose to watch during SAG commercials include: National Treasure, Titanic, The Longest Yard, and of course the Fox Movie channel is showing the Power Rangers Movie. There is a chance we may have to cut this diary short.
6:52-What would be better?
Having Snoop Dogg as your father, or Hugh Hefner as your boyfriend, find out tonight on E.
6:54- My buddy Zesty just bought a Nic Cage triology in honor of the Informers move down to Missouri. One can only hope the movies are Snake Eyes, Con Air, and Face Off.
6:56 Four minutes away from the start of the Royal Rumble. Unfortunately, the Informer will not be watching this year’s production. But, for the sake of fun, Triple H will win the Rumble, Randy Orton will defeat Jeff Hardy, and Hornswoggle, the Irish little guy, will spend the evening going in and out of the Rumble match without being eliminated because he will go under the bottom rope.
7:05- Steve Carrell and Tina Fey are on the screen, is it okay to think Fey is hot.
7:07- The winner of the Best Actor in a Drama award is…Tony Soprano. If this night turns into a Sopranos love fest I guarantee this diary will be cut short.
7:08- John Travolta is on the screen with some chick that probably should not be.
7:09- I will not be watching the movie Hairspray now or anytime in my life.
7:11- Surprise, Eddie, or is it Eedie, Falco of the Sopranos wins best female actress in a Drama. The Informer can’t be to upset because he hasn’t seen any of the other nominee’s shows.
7:15- Just read that Stephanie McMahon doesn’t want Jeff Hardy to win the title tonight at the Rumble. What a surprise, you mean the daughter of the owner and wife of the WWE’s biggest star doesn’t want someone who is not her husband to win the title.
7:16- Who exactly is Blair Underwood. Never heard of him, but he is on the screen right now.
7:19- The Screen Actors Guild was created in 1933, the same year Hugh Hefner lost his virginity. The Girls Next Doors should be very proud of themselves.
7:23- Best cast in a TV show is about to be announced, I swear if the Sopranos wins over Boston Legal the Informer will snap.
7:23- This sucks. I know the Sopranos is an awesome show blah blah blah, but why even do the damn award show if it is going to be one long Sopranos tribute.
7:24- On the bright side there are now twenty people on stage with the same goofy smile.
7:26- Rumble update, Ric Flair kept his career alive with a victory over United States Champion M.V.P. Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
7:28- Man the Informer needs to start watching movies again. Michael Clayton, No Country for Old Men, and the Assassination of Jesse James, all movies the Informer has not seen.
7:29- James Gandolfini wins the award for best supporting actor in a movie, surprisingly he was not even in a movie this past year. God, I love the Sopranos.
7:30- Some guy from No Country For Old Men actually won the award, even though he couldn’t speak English.
7:31- What is so wrong about having sex with your boss, in the coat room, while someone films it. Tune in to TBS to find out the answer.
7:32- Stop with the Slim Fast commercials, the Informer gets it, he is fat. Now let me enjoy my baked potato in peace (How do you spell potato, that just doesn’t look right).
7:37- Okay, its true the Informer is attracted to Ugly Betty.
7:38- Tina Fey wins best female actor in a comedy series. And yes its official, she is FINE!
7:41- Alec Baldwin gets the award for comedy actor in a series, barely beating out that Monk guy. Let the Informer be very clear, Monk is not funny.
7:42- Add American Gangster to movies the Informer needs to watch. Man, I probably should not be doing this blog, since I haven’t seen any of the movies being nominated. Where is the award for Adam Sandler’s I know Pronounce you Chuck and Larry.
7:44- Do people still watch Desperate Housewives?
7:48- The Office wins best cast for a comedy series. Add watch The Office, to the Informers list of things to do in 2008, along with find a job.
7:49- JBL beats Jericho via the DQ in the always entertaining, who the hell cares match of the night.
Since we are on a commercial break, a quick recommendation to the one reader of the Informer’s blog. Go to Adam Carolla’s website and start listening to his radio show. He is the new age Howard Stern, only if Stern was funny.
7:56- Dennis Leary is paying tribute to the guy who played his dad on Rescue Me. Its starting to get a little dusty in the Informers parent’s basement.
8:03- Note to self, watch the movie, Best Little Whore House In Texas. That’s a porno right?
8:06- Seriously, when did my mom stop dusting in the basement. What a tribute.
Quick Family Guy break be back in a bit.
8:30- Touching tribute to the actors who have passed in the last year, no joke here, just a nice montage.
8:32- Zesty’s twin brother Edge retains his title beating Rey Mysterio, hopefully this leads to another live sex show on Raw from the Rated R Superstar.
8:34- The Informer’s internet is having problems, which means no more Rumble updates. My one reader is going to be devastated.
8:38- Some chick named Rubee Dee wins an award for best actress in something, not quite sure what it was for, the Informer accidently got caught up in the Power Rangers Movie. It’s Morphin Time.
8:51-Daniel Day Lewis wins award for best actor in another movie the Informer has never heard of.
8:56- Julie Christy wins best female actor. Who the hell is Julie Christy?
8:57- Quick observation: the chick from Juno is extremely good looking on TV in real life.
9:00- Tom Cruise makes an appearance. Should the Informer make the joke that Cruise is here because of his ability to change a tire, or is he here because he has the authority to get Americans off of drugs.
9:01- No Country For Old Men wins best cast for a motion picture. Wish I could agree, but again my movie watching has apparently been non-existent this past year.
9:03- I think Woody Harrelson is actually stoned out of his mind, someone better get Tom back on the stage.
9:04- Wow, what a waste of two hours. Goodnight Now!
The Informer is not sure what the SAG awards are but Bragelina is here, and Britney Spears was not invited, so it must be important.
6:47- We are currently watching the pregame show on E. Glenn Close is on the screen talking about Johnny Depp, hopefully this will lead to Fatal Attraction II where Close falls head over heels psycho for Edward Scissor Hands. Hey, If Martin Luther can have a dream, so can the Informer.
6:50- Current movies the Informer can chose to watch during SAG commercials include: National Treasure, Titanic, The Longest Yard, and of course the Fox Movie channel is showing the Power Rangers Movie. There is a chance we may have to cut this diary short.
6:52-What would be better?
Having Snoop Dogg as your father, or Hugh Hefner as your boyfriend, find out tonight on E.
6:54- My buddy Zesty just bought a Nic Cage triology in honor of the Informers move down to Missouri. One can only hope the movies are Snake Eyes, Con Air, and Face Off.
6:56 Four minutes away from the start of the Royal Rumble. Unfortunately, the Informer will not be watching this year’s production. But, for the sake of fun, Triple H will win the Rumble, Randy Orton will defeat Jeff Hardy, and Hornswoggle, the Irish little guy, will spend the evening going in and out of the Rumble match without being eliminated because he will go under the bottom rope.
7:05- Steve Carrell and Tina Fey are on the screen, is it okay to think Fey is hot.
7:07- The winner of the Best Actor in a Drama award is…Tony Soprano. If this night turns into a Sopranos love fest I guarantee this diary will be cut short.
7:08- John Travolta is on the screen with some chick that probably should not be.
7:09- I will not be watching the movie Hairspray now or anytime in my life.
7:11- Surprise, Eddie, or is it Eedie, Falco of the Sopranos wins best female actress in a Drama. The Informer can’t be to upset because he hasn’t seen any of the other nominee’s shows.
7:15- Just read that Stephanie McMahon doesn’t want Jeff Hardy to win the title tonight at the Rumble. What a surprise, you mean the daughter of the owner and wife of the WWE’s biggest star doesn’t want someone who is not her husband to win the title.
7:16- Who exactly is Blair Underwood. Never heard of him, but he is on the screen right now.
7:19- The Screen Actors Guild was created in 1933, the same year Hugh Hefner lost his virginity. The Girls Next Doors should be very proud of themselves.
7:23- Best cast in a TV show is about to be announced, I swear if the Sopranos wins over Boston Legal the Informer will snap.
7:23- This sucks. I know the Sopranos is an awesome show blah blah blah, but why even do the damn award show if it is going to be one long Sopranos tribute.
7:24- On the bright side there are now twenty people on stage with the same goofy smile.
7:26- Rumble update, Ric Flair kept his career alive with a victory over United States Champion M.V.P. Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
7:28- Man the Informer needs to start watching movies again. Michael Clayton, No Country for Old Men, and the Assassination of Jesse James, all movies the Informer has not seen.
7:29- James Gandolfini wins the award for best supporting actor in a movie, surprisingly he was not even in a movie this past year. God, I love the Sopranos.
7:30- Some guy from No Country For Old Men actually won the award, even though he couldn’t speak English.
7:31- What is so wrong about having sex with your boss, in the coat room, while someone films it. Tune in to TBS to find out the answer.
7:32- Stop with the Slim Fast commercials, the Informer gets it, he is fat. Now let me enjoy my baked potato in peace (How do you spell potato, that just doesn’t look right).
7:37- Okay, its true the Informer is attracted to Ugly Betty.
7:38- Tina Fey wins best female actor in a comedy series. And yes its official, she is FINE!
7:41- Alec Baldwin gets the award for comedy actor in a series, barely beating out that Monk guy. Let the Informer be very clear, Monk is not funny.
7:42- Add American Gangster to movies the Informer needs to watch. Man, I probably should not be doing this blog, since I haven’t seen any of the movies being nominated. Where is the award for Adam Sandler’s I know Pronounce you Chuck and Larry.
7:44- Do people still watch Desperate Housewives?
7:48- The Office wins best cast for a comedy series. Add watch The Office, to the Informers list of things to do in 2008, along with find a job.
7:49- JBL beats Jericho via the DQ in the always entertaining, who the hell cares match of the night.
Since we are on a commercial break, a quick recommendation to the one reader of the Informer’s blog. Go to Adam Carolla’s website and start listening to his radio show. He is the new age Howard Stern, only if Stern was funny.
7:56- Dennis Leary is paying tribute to the guy who played his dad on Rescue Me. Its starting to get a little dusty in the Informers parent’s basement.
8:03- Note to self, watch the movie, Best Little Whore House In Texas. That’s a porno right?
8:06- Seriously, when did my mom stop dusting in the basement. What a tribute.
Quick Family Guy break be back in a bit.
8:30- Touching tribute to the actors who have passed in the last year, no joke here, just a nice montage.
8:32- Zesty’s twin brother Edge retains his title beating Rey Mysterio, hopefully this leads to another live sex show on Raw from the Rated R Superstar.
8:34- The Informer’s internet is having problems, which means no more Rumble updates. My one reader is going to be devastated.
8:38- Some chick named Rubee Dee wins an award for best actress in something, not quite sure what it was for, the Informer accidently got caught up in the Power Rangers Movie. It’s Morphin Time.
8:51-Daniel Day Lewis wins award for best actor in another movie the Informer has never heard of.
8:56- Julie Christy wins best female actor. Who the hell is Julie Christy?
8:57- Quick observation: the chick from Juno is extremely good looking on TV in real life.
9:00- Tom Cruise makes an appearance. Should the Informer make the joke that Cruise is here because of his ability to change a tire, or is he here because he has the authority to get Americans off of drugs.
9:01- No Country For Old Men wins best cast for a motion picture. Wish I could agree, but again my movie watching has apparently been non-existent this past year.
9:03- I think Woody Harrelson is actually stoned out of his mind, someone better get Tom back on the stage.
9:04- Wow, what a waste of two hours. Goodnight Now!
Monday, January 21, 2008
A Movie Thing
Let the Informer pose a question.
If you were going to be stuck on an island for the rest of your life which ten DVD’s would you take?
Here’s the catch, you have to have the same actor in all ten. Say you’re a big Fight Club fan and can’t live on an Island without it, then you would need to find nine other Brad Pitt or Edward Norton movies to take with you.
Three Ground Rules
1. All sequels and trilogies count as one movie. So Die Hard 1-4 is only one Bruce Willis movie.
2. No matter how dreamy you may think he is, anyone who stars in Elizabethtown can no longer be taken seriously as an actor, and is therefore disqualified from the competition, sorry Orlando Bloom.
3. You can’t take a supporting actor; it has to be a main stream star. Trust me, the Informer was thinking very hard about taking ten Brian Cox films. Cox is the police chief in Super Troopers; he also plays roles in Troy, The Bourne Trilogy, and Braveheart.
Before we break down and find out which actor’s movies the Informer will be spending eternity with, there were a few surprise omissions.
The Informer left George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Denzel Washington of his list. Surprisingly, Clooney and Washington didn’t have ten movies a piece that the Informer could justify taking to the island.
As for Leo and Depp, they just have too many political Hollywood movies (Sweeney Todd, Gangs of New York). Unfortunately, this means the Informer is going to the Island without his favorite movie character ever, no not Gilbert Grape, but Captain Jack Sparrow.
Finally, for the sake of the blog, the Informer decided that Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro were not allowed to participate.
On to the list:
Brad Pitt
The chosen:
Legends of the Fall, A River Runs Through It, Seven, Sleepers, Fight Club, Snatch, Spy Game, Ocean’s Trilogy, Troy, Mr. and Mrs. Smith
As much as I want Brad Pitt and his movies, I can not in my mind justify leaving Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. Yea Jolie is hot in a slutty, maybe she is a porn star kinda way, but you don’t leave the hot girl next door chick, for someone who once made out with her own brother.
I am sorry Mr. Pitt, but the Informer must draw a line somewhere, even if it is incest.
Will Smith
The chosen:
Bad Boys 1-2, Independence Day, Men in Black 1-2, Wild Wild West, Enemy of the State, Ali, I Robot, Hitch, The Pursuit of Happiness, I Am Legend
Will was on his way to winning this challenge.
Then he threw his hat in with Tom Cruise and the Scientology crew.
Sorry, but when you try and defend a cult that claims that Scientologists, unlike other people, are uniquely able to stop on the side of the road and help accident victims, and that they are the moral authority on getting people off of drugs, then you are no longer able to join the Informer on his island.
Someone please tell Will to step away from the cult. We already lost Joey Potter to Tom’s unique way of craziness, but please not the Fresh Prince.
Matt Damon
The Chosen:
Courage Under Fire, Good Will Hunting, Saving Private Ryan, Rounders, All The Pretty Horses, Ocean’s Trilogy, The Bourne Trilogy, The Brother’s Grimm, The Good Shepherd , The Departed
Damon's resume is about as good as the Informer could ask for. Unfortunately, The Brother’s Grimm, The Good Shepherd, and Courage Under Fire are stretches. The Informer enjoys these movies, but for the rest of his life could he put up with them just so he can watch Jason Bourne play poker.
Billy Bob Thorton
Ok, the only reason he would be on this list is the Halle Berry scene, but that’s a damn good reason.
Bruce Willis
The chosen:
Pulp Fiction, Die Hard 1-4, The Jackal, Armageddon, The Sixth Sense, The Whole Nine and Ten Yards, Bandits, Sin City, Lucky Number Sleven, Hostage
The M.V.P. of this list is not detective John McClane. No it is the Asteroid fighting Harry Stamper. If it wasn’t for the list being forced, the Informer hasn’t even seen Sin City, Bruce would probably be going to the Island.
Adam Sandler
The Chosen:
Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Wedding Singer, Bullet Proof, The Waterboy, Big Daddy, Mr. Deeds, Anger Management, Reign Over Me, I know Pronounce you Chuck and Larry
The Informer absolutely loves Adam Sandler.
But he is not the winner,
The Winner is. . .
Super Troopers
Screw the rules, the Informer only needs one movie for the rest of his life.
If you were going to be stuck on an island for the rest of your life which ten DVD’s would you take?
Here’s the catch, you have to have the same actor in all ten. Say you’re a big Fight Club fan and can’t live on an Island without it, then you would need to find nine other Brad Pitt or Edward Norton movies to take with you.
Three Ground Rules
1. All sequels and trilogies count as one movie. So Die Hard 1-4 is only one Bruce Willis movie.
2. No matter how dreamy you may think he is, anyone who stars in Elizabethtown can no longer be taken seriously as an actor, and is therefore disqualified from the competition, sorry Orlando Bloom.
3. You can’t take a supporting actor; it has to be a main stream star. Trust me, the Informer was thinking very hard about taking ten Brian Cox films. Cox is the police chief in Super Troopers; he also plays roles in Troy, The Bourne Trilogy, and Braveheart.
Before we break down and find out which actor’s movies the Informer will be spending eternity with, there were a few surprise omissions.
The Informer left George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Denzel Washington of his list. Surprisingly, Clooney and Washington didn’t have ten movies a piece that the Informer could justify taking to the island.
As for Leo and Depp, they just have too many political Hollywood movies (Sweeney Todd, Gangs of New York). Unfortunately, this means the Informer is going to the Island without his favorite movie character ever, no not Gilbert Grape, but Captain Jack Sparrow.
Finally, for the sake of the blog, the Informer decided that Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro were not allowed to participate.
On to the list:
Brad Pitt
The chosen:
Legends of the Fall, A River Runs Through It, Seven, Sleepers, Fight Club, Snatch, Spy Game, Ocean’s Trilogy, Troy, Mr. and Mrs. Smith
As much as I want Brad Pitt and his movies, I can not in my mind justify leaving Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. Yea Jolie is hot in a slutty, maybe she is a porn star kinda way, but you don’t leave the hot girl next door chick, for someone who once made out with her own brother.
I am sorry Mr. Pitt, but the Informer must draw a line somewhere, even if it is incest.
Will Smith
The chosen:
Bad Boys 1-2, Independence Day, Men in Black 1-2, Wild Wild West, Enemy of the State, Ali, I Robot, Hitch, The Pursuit of Happiness, I Am Legend
Will was on his way to winning this challenge.
Then he threw his hat in with Tom Cruise and the Scientology crew.
Sorry, but when you try and defend a cult that claims that Scientologists, unlike other people, are uniquely able to stop on the side of the road and help accident victims, and that they are the moral authority on getting people off of drugs, then you are no longer able to join the Informer on his island.
Someone please tell Will to step away from the cult. We already lost Joey Potter to Tom’s unique way of craziness, but please not the Fresh Prince.
Matt Damon
The Chosen:
Courage Under Fire, Good Will Hunting, Saving Private Ryan, Rounders, All The Pretty Horses, Ocean’s Trilogy, The Bourne Trilogy, The Brother’s Grimm, The Good Shepherd , The Departed
Damon's resume is about as good as the Informer could ask for. Unfortunately, The Brother’s Grimm, The Good Shepherd, and Courage Under Fire are stretches. The Informer enjoys these movies, but for the rest of his life could he put up with them just so he can watch Jason Bourne play poker.
Billy Bob Thorton
Ok, the only reason he would be on this list is the Halle Berry scene, but that’s a damn good reason.
Bruce Willis
The chosen:
Pulp Fiction, Die Hard 1-4, The Jackal, Armageddon, The Sixth Sense, The Whole Nine and Ten Yards, Bandits, Sin City, Lucky Number Sleven, Hostage
The M.V.P. of this list is not detective John McClane. No it is the Asteroid fighting Harry Stamper. If it wasn’t for the list being forced, the Informer hasn’t even seen Sin City, Bruce would probably be going to the Island.
Adam Sandler
The Chosen:
Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Wedding Singer, Bullet Proof, The Waterboy, Big Daddy, Mr. Deeds, Anger Management, Reign Over Me, I know Pronounce you Chuck and Larry
The Informer absolutely loves Adam Sandler.
But he is not the winner,
The Winner is. . .
Super Troopers
Screw the rules, the Informer only needs one movie for the rest of his life.
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