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Monday, January 28, 2013

"Royal Rumble Running Diary"

One of the few rules I have is anytime the Rock is wrestling in his first championship match in over ten years at the Royal Rumble, not only do I have to put down the 55 dollars to order the event in high definition, but I also have to keep a running diary.

Let me channel my inner “The Rock” for a second:

“Finally the Informer has come back to the Royal Rumble Running Diary. Let me tell you one thing, the Informer is going to promise the millions,  and I mean millions,  of the Informer’s fans that this is going to be the most electrifying running diary in the history of electrifying running diaries. The Informer can tell that you the fans are excited, hell the Informer is excited. He stayed up all night practicing his “The Rock” phrases and now he is going to deliver to you the fans… IF YA REEEEEEEEEEAD WHAT THE INFOREMR IS WRTING”

Sorry I maybe a little intoxicated.  But yes it is true, I will be keeping a running diary of my favorite“WWE Pay Per View” of the year, The Roayl Rumble.

Tonight we will be coming semi-live (VCR Recorded) from my comfy basement man cave, joined by a few tall “Natty Lights.” I am also currently wearing my pink spandex man undies with the stars on them (Ala the Macho Man), bare chested of course. (Picture a fatter,  harrier version of Brodus Clay sitting in pink underwear.)

Sadly my wife will not be joining tonight. When asked if she wanted to watch she politely declined and said she couldn’t miss the all new episode of that show where they hunt for Bigfoot.

Can you believe a 28-year old blonde bombshell would rather watch a show that is totally scripted and not even remotely real over the Rock‘s return to glory?  I mean come on, everyone knows that Bigfoot is not real.

“Informer you do understand the Irony in that last statement correct?”

Mr. fake reader, what is your name?

“My Name is…”

It doesn’t matter what your name is. . . Listen the Informer is not sure why you are here and talking about Bigfoot and the Iron Shiek, but you need to take your rudy pudy candy ass, turn it sideways and go walking down Jabroni Blvd!!!

Sorry, I can’t help myself, the Rock is back baby!

The running diary of the 26th annual Royal Rumble and the road to Wrestlemania begins now…

 00:01 - 15, 103 WWE fans.. Kind of a small audience, hopefully that doesn’t ruin the show. (It Didn’t)

00:02 - WEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLL IT’S THE BIG SHOW, IT’S THE BIG BAD SHOW TONIGHT.

00:04 - This is a last man standing match where the Big Show (WWE GIANT) is facing off against Alberto del Rio. Now  I am not a fan of Alberto Del Rio, for some reason he rubs me the wrong way. And I am not talking about the good way of rubbing me the wrong way if you know what I mean.  

00:07 - The timeline for this running diary is already off, but Brett the Hitman Hart is in the building wishing Del Rio good luck.  He then presented Del Rio’s personal trainer Ricardo with the famous pink glasses.

I am extremely pissed off and jealous of Ricardo right now, just once I would like Brett Hart to choose me to wear the pink glasses.

00:08 - They just showed the Spanish announce table. I am going to bet my Shawn Michaels Book and DVD Collection that the Spanish Announce table will be smashed tonight.

00:11 - Had to use the fast forward button, not sure if they are trying to fill time but there is no reason for it to take five minutes to get a damn match started.

Especially when that match is Del Rio vs. Big Show, aka a match nobody cares about. Can we get to the rumble already.

00:13 - If I have said it once I have said it four hundred and forty six times, I would not want to volunteer to be open hand slapped in the chest from the Big Show. My man bombs are red just watching.

00:15 - Del Rio just did a JunaConaRono on the Big Show. Not even sure that is physically possible, but I swear it just happened. And no,  I have no freaking idea how to spell Junaronaconda.  You know the move where they use there legs to flip the guy over. The one Rey Mysterio Jr made famous.

00:16 - The Big Show knocked Del Rio over and is now standing in the corner watching Del Rio roll around on the floor. Part of me is hoping he is about to light a cigarette and bring back the Big Smoke. That was my favorite Big Show gimmick ever.

00:17- Open hand slap to the chest again. . . I can just imagine the back scene set up “Hey Del Rio its me the Big show, I think I am just going to open hand slap your chest a few times to make some red marks, you cool with that?” Sure Big Show the more the merrier.

00:20 - Big Show with a huge Choke Slam from hell. Is it only a Choke Slam from Hell when its the Undertaker, or do all Choke Slams send their victim straight to hell? These are the questions I need answered.

00:22 - Del Rio just gave the Big Show a kick straight to the D*c….Well he kicked him in the groin. Big Show is down.

00:23 - Big Show makes it to his feet at the nine second count, if I didn’t explain earlier this match is a last man standing match, which means if the referee counts to ten and your not on your feet you lose.

00:24 - Announcer John Layfield Bradshaw just said getting hit by the Big Show feels like you got hit by a Volkswagen. That begs the question, was Bradshaw ran over by a Volkswagen at some point in his life?

00:24 -  Umm Big Show just threw Del Rio through a table from the rafters. . . That was our first holy sh*t moment of the night. Somehow Del Rio made it to his feet. Not going to lie a 28-year old man should not be allowed to have this much fun.

00:25 - The Big Show just went shoulder first through the barricade. At this point we may not have an arena left to finish the show. The Giant barely makes it to his feet just in time to get hit with a steel chair six straight times.

00:26- Make that seven straight times.  I think Del Rio may have just broken the Big Shows arm. The announcers just advised that this is all legal. It maybe legal in the wrestling sense, but I am pretty sure that assault with a deadly chair is still against the law.

00:27- Ricardo has duct taped the big show to the bottom rope, which means he is not going to be able to stand up. The ref has started the count. There is no way for the big show to get to his feet, its duct tape for god sakes.

00:28 - Del Rio wins… Somewhere MacGyver is smiling… I’m hoping this is going to lead to the Rock beating Punk tonight using bubble gum and a paper clip.

00:29 - For what it was that was a great opening match. Del Rio is still champ and the Big Show is not very happy. Great start to the Rumble. 

00:30 - Dolp Ziggler AJ and E Langston are getting interviewed.

I would like to take this time to say that AJ is the craziest smoking hot wrestling chick in the history of the WWE. Its ok I can say that without my wife getting mad because she watches wrestling to see Randy Orton in spandex, no joke.

Also Diggler just mentioned that he is taking the #1 spot in the Rumble tonight. My hero Shawn Michaels once went from first to Rumble winner, and since Ziggler is the WWE’s up and coming star I am willing to bet that Ziggler is one of the last four standing.

00:31 - Dolp also just announced that he is going to win the Rumble and then cash in his Money in the Bank contract tonight, which would then lead to him wrestling in the main event at Wrestlemania in a Champion vs. Champion unification match.

Now that is a hell of a good theory. I was pretty set in my thinking that it was going to be Rock vs. Cena in the Mania main event,  but my theory just got a small hole punched in it.

00:33- Who are the primetime players, and why are they blowing whistles and rapping? The Informer is laughing a little right now.

00:34- The Champ is here, even though he is currently not the champ, and you can’t see him. . . I stand by my prediction, Cena is winning the rumble tonight setting up a Cena vs. Rock Wrestlemania Re-match.

00:35- For god sakes somebody please feed Ryback. He is scaring the sh*t out of me. FEED ME MORE…FEED ME MORE…FEED ME MORE

00:38- Tag Team championship match is about to take place, it is Cody Rhoads and some guy named Damian against the greatest tag team since the Rockers, team “Hell No”.

Daniel Bryan and Kane are freaking hilarious together. NO! YES! NO! YES! IM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPION… NO IM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPION…

These guys are like that old married couple, with the exception of course that Kane can make fire come out  of the ring with his arms. High hopes for this match, Daniel Bryan is an amazing wrastler, and he has a sweet ass goat beard.

00:39 - Cody Rhodes is rocking a Porno Stache. . . He looks like Jim Carrey in the movie Me Myself and Irene. I don’t know why this makes me so happy.

00:45 - Damian Sandow just did one of my favorite wrestling moves, the one where the guy kicks out of the three count, so the other guy immediately goes for the pin again.

Cause that is going to work, he just kicked out but if I try and pin him again maybe ill get him this time. Then again I’m not the one writing the script, maybe the guys wasn’t supposed to kick out the second time. Sorry did the Informer say scripted, I meant to say I am not the one writing the totally spontaneous match.

00:50  - Daniel Bryan gets the win by using the Cripple Crossface. Kane and Bryan share a hug and leave the ring telling each other how that they love each other. YES!!! NO!!!! YES!!! NO!!!!

(Did I mention I really like these guys, they are funny)

00:51- The Elimination Chamber Pay Per View is less then three weeks away, or in the words of my wife “Didn’t you just spend 55 f***ing dollars on wrestling three weeks ago?”

00:52 - The Royal Rumble is about to start, I need to refill my Royal Rumble Beer Mug, be back in a minute.

00:53 - And we are back, thanks to the wonders of the modern VCR I was able to pause my tape delayed viewing of the Rumble and fill my beer and take a “Breaking the Seal” break. (Getting a touch Tipsy)

The good news thanks to said VCR we didn’t miss anything.  Right now they are doing their Royal Rumble by the numbers montage, but the only number you need to know is 26 and 8.

26 is the number of Royal Rumbles the Informer has watched (all of them) and 8 is the number of beers I have currently consumed. In the words of Good Old Jr, business is about to pick up. (JR is a former wrestling announcer that well all love)

00:54 - Shawn Michaels holds the record by eliminating 39 people in his Royal Rumble career. Just further proof that Michaels is the greatest wrestler of all-time.

And if you don’t think I am sitting in my pink undies singing “You Think Im Cute, You know Im sexy” then you would be highly mistaken. “I GOT THE MOVES THAT DRIVE THE GIRLS WILD.”

01:00 - The Rumble is starting at the one hour mark, which means that Rock vs. Punk is going to close the show. Not very often does the Rumble not close the show, but then again its not very often the Rock wrestles for the “STRAP.” (Strap is the word that people in the business call the championship belt, I have no proof that anyone has ever called it a the “Strap” but at this point in the evening its better to just assume my fake made up stats are true)

01:01 - Ummm, Dolph is one lucky man. (AJ just gave him the good luck kiss only a crazy bat sh*t crazy diva could give) I stand by my prediciton, Dolph is going to do good things in this match.

01:04 - WHAT?  Holy sh*t… Chris Jericho is the number 2 wrestler… The Informer has goosebumps… God I love Jericho… He is back baby… I don’t even care who wins, the Rumble already delivered.

Yes I am that easy. .. JERICHO… JERICHO... JERICHO…THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA JUST GOT JERICHOED!!!

01:08 - The Crowd was chanting you still got it, which Jericho replies with an “I never Lost it”. . . Jericho is the greatest.

01:09 - Cody Rhodes and his porn stache are entrant number three. Ziggler the stache and Rhodes immediately team up on Jericho… I don’t have to tell you but 3 on 1 is not a fair fight.

01:10 - Kofi Kingston is coming down as the #4 entrant… I will bet anything Kofi will do something crazy while almost being eliminated. . . Its like fried green tomatoes and taxes, you can always count on Kofi to do something crazy at the Rumble.

01:11 - Santino is the #5 entrant. He comes in and throws all four guys over the top rope but no one was eliminated, he is now getting beat like a step child who has an Auburn hair color.

01:12 - And Santino is gone, that was fun.

01:13 - The next man in is some guy from a group called the Three Man Band. He is not going to win.

01:14 - Jericho almost gets eliminated but is able to hold on, and now some huge guy named Titus is in the ring. . . He looks like Debo.. “Who wants a Piece of TITUS?” (Yes I try to make a Debo from Friday reference in every blog I write, it was the Informer’s New Years Resolution)

01:15 - The guy from the band is gone…Y2J and Ziggler are stealin the show right now.

01:16 - Its GOLDUST!!!! You know Cody Rhodes Brother. I hope they fight each other.. This is exciting…The crowd is giong nuts.

Seriously the “POP OF THE NIGHT“ has been Goldust. . . I am not making this up. . Start the chant, GOLDUST GOLDUST GOLDUST… I hope he wins.

01:18 - Here comes David Otunga… Lets hope he has a quick exit… More Goldust, less Otunga!

01:19 - Entrant number 10 is Heath Slater of the aforementioned “Three Man Band… He is not going to win either

01:20 - Jerry Lawler just called AJ a Napkin cause she has been on so many men’s laps… Im going to leave that one alone.

01:21 - And it is Sheamus… The Great White Hope/Celtic Warrior… Remember he won it last year, and he is already kicking everyone’s ass this year… Shemus takes out Titus yong and Otunga back to back…

In other worlds that would probably be considered a hate crime, but here it is just the Royal Rumble at its finest…

01:22 - Some tattooed fat guy is in the ring.

01:23 - Everyone is picking on the fat guy. It kind of reminds me of fourth grade dodge ball. This would be a good time to mention that the WWE is very against bullying.

They even did a video montage before the rumble where bullying is bad. Now back to the 10 in shape guys beating up the overweight outcast.

01:24 - Brodus Clay is coming down to the ring and he is doing Gangnam style and being very overweight. Somebody needs to call his mama and have her put Brodus on a diet. . .

01:24 - The two fat guys are fighting each other, on a side note not one person is watching them.

01:25 - Goldust is eliminated by his own brother… Damn you Cody.. Damn you and your mustache… He is your brother.

01:26 - Its Rey Mysterio. . . In the words of Forest Gump that is all I have to say about that.

01:28 - And the #15 entrant is the other guy from the blowing the whistle group… Meanwhile the two fat guys are eliminated… Followed by Kofi being kicked off the ring onto one of the fat guys back, but his feet never touched. That means Kofi is still in the rumble because he was able to climb off the fat mans back and onto the Spanish announce table… We are all up in arms,  how is he going to get back to the ring. . . I feel like I predicted this would happen,  meanwhile some guy named Bo Dallas is coming into the rumble. . .

Kofi has now decided to use JBL’s announce table to hop back to the ring… He made it back to the apron and is safe, he is still in the rumble… Never mind, now he gone. . . That damn Cody Rhodes strikes again.

01:31 - The Godfather and his hoes are coming to the ring…which only leads to one question,  WHY?

01:31.2 - And he is gone, that was this years walk down the aisle and be kicked out immediately, very funny.. His music didn’t even stop. . You bet your ass him and his hoes got paid for that walk.

01:32 - Here comes Wade Barret… He is a British Brute… To be honest I am not a big fan.

01:33 - Ziggler and Jericho are still in the rumble. One of those guys is going to win, mark my words.

01:34 - YOU BET YOUR ASS THE CHAMP IS HERE… #19 YOU CANT SEE ME… JOHN CENA… THE TIME IS NOW..

O sh*t everyone is trying to beat up Cena, But Cena is fighting back, my god he is a super human… Bye bye Slater… See you Rhodes… Cena is cleaning house…

01:36 - Number 20 is Damian Sandow. . .  this guy is pulling double duty tonight and since no one has ever pulled double duty and won the rumble I am betting he doesn’t win…(Pulling double duty means he already had one match and is now in the rumble, hence double duty)

01:37 -  Mysterio is gone thanks to Wade Barrat… People are starting to drop like flies… Also Jericho has Cena in the “Walls of Jericho” while Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring… YES! YES! YES!

Bryan is kicking everyone…YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!…

He is the only man standing right now… Jericho is about  gone but he barely survives again. I am sorry, there is to much action and I am not a fast enough typer…

01:38 - LETS GO CENA..CENA SUCKS… LETS GO CENA… CENA SUCKS… The crowd is fiesty as Antonio Caesaro makes his way to the ring. This guy is freakishly strong… I am not kidding he will be a star in the WWE within the next year.

01:41 - The Great Kahli is coming in at #23. . Not sure what is going one but he is handing out the worst overhand chops I have ever seen.  Please get this guy out of the ring .

Then again, The Kahli just gave the open hand slap to that new Bo Dallas guy. . . Welcome to the big leagues kid.

01:43 - Its Kane Time - I bet he eliminates a lot of people…On a side note I don’t think that Dallas guy has been the same since his chest got caved in by the Giant Indian dude.

01:45 - The Woo Woo Guy comes in as Kane eliminates Kahil. This is followed Daniel Bryan eliminating his tag team partner Kane… O boy sh*t is happeing… NO! YES! NO! YES!

So after Bryan eliminated Kane, he was throw outside the ring where Kane caught him. After a little back and forth Kane dropped Bryan on his ass, eliminating him from the rumble. Kane and Bryan continue to be must watch.

01:46 - Randy Orton, the Viper, aka the Apex Predator is making his way to the ring. .. I have said it many times but what do I have to do to get people to call me the Apex Predator? Wait, don’t answer that.

On a side note, my wife’s favorite wrestler is Mr. Orton.  But I think that is mostly because he is half naked all the time, not because of his awesome in ring skills.

01:47 - ORTON IS CLEAING HOUSE, something tells me after my wife reads this blog I will be re-watching this segment of the over and over again.

01:48 - Some guy named Jinder enters the ring. . . I was surprised he did not have red hair. He is going to be gone soon because he sucks… Cena also just eliminated Caesaro,  Cole says it best “Cena has been a beast, almost super human.”

01:48.5 - #28 is Awesome. . . That means the Miz is coming to the ring.  That non redheaded Jinder has also been taken out. Not to blow my own horn, but I told you he would be gone soon. (The Informer wanted to use the word Tute instead of blow but I have no idea how to spell toot? Can someone help me out here?)

01:49 - #29 - Sin Cara. .  . Sin Cara is not going to be headlining Wrestlemania so this is pretty much a wasted entry. 

Also, there is only one man left to enter and then business is going to pick up… Im getting pumped…

Who is it going to be?

TRIPLE H?

UNDERTAKER? 

Its gotta be someone cool right?

01:50 - And Bo Dallas just took out Wade Barrett… Big night for the guy in his WWE DEBUT.

Of course, Barrett came back and does the prick move and cheats to get Bo Dallas eliminated… Cole said its best, that is ridiculous!!!

01:52 - #30 - FEED ME MORE… FEED ME MORE… FEED ME MORE… He is going to eliminate a lot of people.

Good bye Sandow… Your gone Sin Cara… JBL had the best line of the night when he said, “Just jump over the top rope”

He was right,  because at this point it would have been smarter to just jump on your own because Ryback is eating and he never gets full.

01:52.5 - Miz you aint going to eliminate that man, in fact, You gone! 

01:53 - We are down to six and Jericho is dominating… Its Ziggler, Cena, Orton, Sheamus,  Ryback and Jericho…

I have no idea who is going to win…

If the WWE was trying to get me on the edge of my seat they succeeded with flying colors.

01:55 - Jericho is gone, Ziggler just took him out.. Everyone is looking sweaty and tired..

01:56 - Enter the Apex Predator, Orton is taking over…  Rko to Ziggler, RKO to Cena… RKO to Sheamus… Pile driver to Ryback… Orton is on fire… He is the only man standing… 

01:57 - Crap, Ryback sends the Viper home… Lots of crowd booing.

01:58 - Ziggler made the final four like I predicted. . . Now he  is gone. . . Does that still count as a good prediction?

01:59 - We are down to the final three. . . It is Sheamus,  Ryback and Cena… O boy…

02:00 -Cena and Sheamus team up on Ryback… Then they take timeout to stare down the Wrestlemania banner. 

02:01 - Ryback eliminates Sheamus,,, Its Cena vs. Ryback… The final two.. FEED ME MORE! FEED ME MORE!

The Crowd is pro Ryback as Cena says you cant see me…The crowd is crazy good right now…

02:02 - Cena locks in the STF… John that is a Submission move, that will not get Ryback over the top rope. . . LETS GO CENA..CENA SUCKS…The crowd is bi-polar at this point.

02:02.5 - Cean Is the strongest man in the world… He just picked Ryback’s  lifeless corpse to the top rope. . . Wait a minute Ryback is back, he has Cena on his shoulders ready to throw him over the top. . . Ryback is going to go to Mania!

02:03 - Cena counters, Ryback is gone. . . Cena is the Winner..  My 9-year old daughter is going to have a heart attack tomorrow  when she watches this!

Cena is only the 4th man to win two royal rumble matches. He is going to be headlining Wrestle Mania.

What  a great rumble.

(Informer Note - I loved that Cena just high fived a guy in the crowd wearing an I hate Cena shirt.)

02:04 - All we have left is the Rock and Punk.

10 years in the making against the longest running WWE champ in over 20 years.

The Peoples champ against the Anti Peoples champ. You couldn’t script this sh*t if you wanted to.. Wink Wink.

02:05 - Cm Punk is a bad bad man, we know this from the video montage of him beating up our hero the Rock. I need more beer.

02:06 - I think Punk just called me a Jerk. That’s not a way a champion should talk to the fans. Im rooting for the Rock.

02:10 - FINAAAALY THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO PHOENIX!! The Rock just made some incoherent Rock rant where he reached his hand around the world touching all of us his fans and I feel like I am going to help the Rock end the 434 days of misery.

The Rock says I count and that we the fans are going to become the WWE Champion.

I smell what the Rock is cooking….

ROCKY!!! ROCKY!!!ROCKY!!!

On a side note the Informer is a 28-years old.

02:12 - I have no idea who is going to win this match, but if I were a betting man I would have put money on the 4-1 odds that Punk would win.

“Informer your joking? You didn’t bet money on the Royal Rumble? Right?

Ummmm… Lets just move on…

02:13 - The Rock sure didn’t get any smaller in the last six months. LETS GO ROCKY!!!

02:14 - Ok the Rock weighs 265 pounds, lets just say the Informer also ways 265 pounds and does not look like that in spandex undies…#Fat

02:16 - Spanish announce table was about to be broken, but Cm Punk put the table back together, made me laugh… The crowd is split,  they are chanting for both guys…

02:25- Punk has been dominating this match, Rocky maybe hurt.

02:30 - Punk has an injured knee but he just swan dived through the ropes. . Great match so far, I think the crowd is pulling for Punk.

02:32- Punk is in the sharp shooter… The Rock is going to win the title… He is in the middle of the ring.. Nevermind, Punk got to the ropes… That was close…

02:32 - Third time is a charm the Rock has the Spanish announce table cleared off… Something is going to happen.. O shit the table collapsed, I don’t think that was supposed to happen, the Rock may have hurt his knee…That didn’t look like it was part of the script…Seriously who is making these Spanish Announce tables these days?

02:33 -Rock bottom on the hard concrete floor,  Punk is in trouble… 1, 2,  two and a half… The rock looks winded, but Punk is battered and bruised.

02:34 - A kick to the skull by Punk, the Rock is down, but Punk is to wounded to capitalize.

02:35 - IT’S THE MOST ELECTIRFYING MOVE IN ALL OF ENTERTAINMENT…People’s El... Wait the lights are out, turn the lights back on…What is going on…Rock is on the floor.. He has been powered bombed through the announce table.. We didn’t see what was going on.. Was it the shield? I think Rock is dead?

02:36 - Punk is in the ring and he is going to win… Not like this.. Cole is right this is “RIDICUULOUS“. 1, 2 3... That is it.. CM PUNK just won… Holy crap… The Rock lost…

CM PUNK IS STILL THE CHAMPION!

02:36.5 - THIS IS ABSOLUTELY STUPID… Michael Cole said it, not me…

0237 - Wait a minute… NO CHANCE THAT’S WHAT YOU GOT… Vince is coming to the ring and he looks pissed.

02:38 - Vince is going to strip Punk of the belt because THE SHIELD got involved. . . The Rock interrupts Vince, not so fast my friends, the Rock wants the damned match to be restarted because Vince doesn’t take the damn belt from Punk, the Rock is going to take the damn belt from Punk. I can’t stop using the word damn. I am fired up, what a pay per view. 

02:41 - “You Heard the Man Re-Start the match” Holy sh*t Vince has restarted the match…I love it…ROCKY ROCKY ROCKY!!!!

02:42 - Cm Punk is relentless, he has the Rock down and out this is it, wait no Rock kicked out!!!! I cant stop using exclamation points!!! The Rock is still in the match, but he is getting beat like a stuffed mule!!!

02:47 - He is “Rocking Up“… Peoples Elbow… 1,2, 3 ITS OVER…The Rock has beaten Punk…The Rock has done it…The New WWE CHAMPION IS THE ROCK…MY HAIR IS STANDING UP…GOOSE BUMPBS, BISPS and TEARS…THE ROCK HAS DONE IT…

02:47.5 - Ten years in the making, the Great One is the Champion once again. . . Best 55 dollars I have ever spent.

02:49 - IF YAAAAAAAAAAAAA SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!

Friday, January 25, 2013

"Another Movie Review"

Why Did I watch “HIT AND RUN”?

That is a good question, and here is the one word answer, Dax Sheppard.

Do you remember Dax?

He was the guy who made Justin Timberlake cry during the first season of “Punked.” 

Well, Dax decided to take time away from making former boy band stars cry and star in a movie. And one of the few rules that I live by is anytime the guy who made JT cry on live “Hidden Camera and probably Scripted” TV comes out with a movie, I will be watching.

Hit and Run stars Dax as “Charles Bronson” a former getaway driver for bank robbers living in witness protection. He is there with his girlfriend Annie(Kristin Bell) and his only real friend, who also happens to be his U.S. Marshall protector Randy, played by Tom Arnold. Yes Rosanne’s ex-husband, that Tom Arnold. He is very funny in his role as the lovable mistake prone US Marshal. 

Side Note - I am not making up the lead character’s first name. It is seriously Charles Bronson. Turns out Dax’s character was able to chose his name when he went into witness protection so he chose the name Charles Bronson because he liked a British criminal who had changed his name to Charles Bronson because he was a big fan of the original Charles Bronson. That last run on sentence was confusing, lets just move on with the review. 

Anyways, everything is going great until Annie gets promoted to a new job which means she has to move to Los Angeles. LA also happens to be the one place on the face of the earth Charles can’t go. Because LA is where the bad guys he ratted out to get into the witness protection program in the first place are living.  Can you say dilemma?

As par for course, man being a man, Chuck decides that he can’t live without the girl even if it means leaving the program. So he and his girlfriend leave for LA. This is the point of the movie where the hilarity ensues and the car chases begin.

Don’t forget our hero Chuck Bronson used to be “Yul Perkins”  wheel man in his past life so he happens to know how to drive very well. If you thought a former wheel man was not going to be involved in some car chases then you are watching the wrong movie my friend.

Anyways, there are at least four separate chases where any less of a driver would have not gotten away and the movie would have ended in a completely different manner. Luckily for Annie and you the viewer we have Yul. #He drives like a Duke Boy

“Informer why would there be car chases? Wasn’t he in witness protection? How would the bad guys know he was making a drive to LA?’

That’s a good question fake reader, the reason for the car chases is Annie’s ex-boyfriend “Gil”, a real pile of crap. You see, Gil finds out about Chuck’s past and uses the information to try and sabotage Annie‘s relationship with him.

Gil also decides to use the info to find Yul/Chuck’s old partner in crime(Bradley Cooper).  Thanks to the wonders of face book he is able to get a message out to Cooper and his gang about the whereabouts of one Yul Perkins. #Never trust a guy named Gil

So now we have Gil and the bad guys working together to chase down Bronson/Perkins/Annie,  which leads to all the car chases and chaos.

(Ps - Gil is played by one of those Guys…You know the ones where you see him and say hey its that guy…For me Gil was played by that guy from the movie “Pool Hall Junkies.“ This is a good thing. I love Pool Hall Junkie.)

Basically it turns into a race against time to get to LA with the Bad Guys chasing which all comes to a head back at Bronson’s family farm.

Its your typical comedy. Funny stuff happens in funny ways, there is a semi believable plot, and of course there is a love story mixed in.

Now that we got the plot covered, we need to ask the most important question one can ask about a comedy. 

Is “Hit and Run” a comedy worth watching?

The short answer is Hell Yes!

The long answer is HEEEEELLLL YESSS!!!!!

The Longest answer is HIT AND RUN IS FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!!!

You read that right, Hit and Run is freaking hilarious. I can’t state this enough. It is a must watch movie. It has funny characters, funnier lines,  Bradley Cooper and 70-year old men and woman doing full frontal nudity… TWICE!

To be fair, if old people nudity is where you draw the line then this movie is not for you. But if your like me and find it hilarious that your wife almost threw up because of the wrinkles she was seeing on the screen,  then you have to watch this movie.

Listen when you sit down to watch a comedy your hoping for three things.

1. You want to LOL, which means Laugh Out Loud. I am not talking about the forced HaHa laughs that all comedies show you  in the previews.  I am talking about the genuine funny moments that you end up quoting for years. #Liter Of Cola (That’s A Super Troopers Reference)

“Hit and Run” has numerous genuine LOL moments:

In fact I rolled on the floor laughing three separate times. Yes two of those times involved old people and full frontal nudity, but that is not the point.

There is one scene where Bradley Cooper is describing what happened to him in prison.  It is one of the funniest movie moments I have seen in years. I am not making this up. I would love to give a better detailed description but this is a family movie review and things that happen in the “Prison Shower” are sometimes not family friendly.

You are just going to have to trust me, I could not stop laughing.  #“Was he Puerto Rican?”

2. You have to like the actors.

Lets face it,  if your going to sit down to enjoy some laughs you want to feel like the guys are your buddies. Why do you think after all of these years I still consider American Pie 2 to be one of the funniest comedies ever made? It is because I loved Jim and the boys.

Hit and Run hits on all of the characters. Sorry for the bad pun.

But seriously, Dax, Bell, Cooper, Arnold, the guy from Pool Hall Junkies are all awesome.

And then there are all the  secondary characters. The lady who plays Annie‘s boss is possibly drugged out of her mind but she is great. 

The two cops who spend the movie following a “POUNCER“ app on a smart phone not only nailed their respective parts but they added to the movie.

Hell it even has a scene with Jason Bateman,  who makes a late cameo for some unknown reason.

But my favorite cameo was from Debo. You remember Debo, he is the guy who tried to kick Criag’s ass in the first two “Friday” movies. Well he and his green tank top are back for this movie. #That’s my bike punk!

I can’t state this enough, the movie is made better by  the secondary characters. They have some of the funniest parts in this movie. That is not a bad thing.

3. I don’t want to harp on this to much, but the movie has to be funny. Did I already mention that? Well for goodness sakes it’s a comedy, if you are not going to make me laugh then why would I watch it?

Here is the point,  if I am having trouble writing a review because I am leaving out so many funny parts due to the review being to long,  then you did something right. 

Seriously I am trying to find ways to talk about Tom Arnold shooting at his van because it is “Ghost Riding” towards kids, or Gil taking his shirt off to answer the door because he is such a self indulging “A-Hole” and there is just not enough space.

Those are only two examples of hilarious scenes in this movie I haven’t even mentioned. If you ask me that means you made a successful comedy.

When there are to many funny scenes to cover in one review you did your job.

HIT AND RUN DID ITS JOB.

That is the highest praise I can give.

Now if you will excuse me,  I am going to go watch some 70-year old dudes flash me for a third and fourth time. #At least this time I know its coming this time. 




Thursday, January 17, 2013

"NFL CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND"

Before we get started the Informer needs to come to the defense of that Taieo guy. You know the one who lost his fake girlfriend the same week his grandmother died.

The Informer knows what your going through buddy.

The Informer to has had loss in his life.

A few years ago the Informer was in a volatile relationship with this hot but trouble prone queen of the high school. Now this young lady had gone through a lot with her dad losing all their money, and then her mom leaving her dad cause he was no longer rich.

Well about that same time I was having run ins with the law. Luckily this rich Jewish man found me and took me into his home where I became friends with his nerdy son. Needless to say a few years later me and the hot chick (who turned out to be my neighbor) had somehow made it to graduation night happy.

We had been through our ups and downs but it finally looked like we were ready to be happy in love. But then it happened. Her past finally caught up to her. She was killed in a car accident by her crazy ex-boyfriend.

The Informer didn’t know how to respond, so I joined an underground cage fighting ring and my life began spinning out of control.

“Informer you are talking about THE OC… RYAN AND MARRISA? That is not your life? You know that was a TV Show right? You were not Ryan Atwood.”

Ummmmm…. I Flew to Hawaii to meet her?

Seriously though, the Informer can’t get enough of this story. As a person who makes up fake readers and alter egos to alter egos the Informer fully understands what that Taieo guy is going through.

Maybe his girlfriend was not real per say, but to him she could have been Marrisa. You don’t know how he felt about her, so maybe we should just leave the poor Mormon man living in a Catholic world alone.

(PS - The Informer was stunned that Taeo was a Mormon? I know the Notre Dame coach wanted to shake things up and get a new kind of recruit into the Golden Dome, but a Mormon man at a Catholic school, that is damn risky. Whats next Penn State hiring someone that isn‘t a PEDAPHILE? To Soon?)

As you can tell the Informer is loving the fake dead girlfriend story. Remind the Informer to use that later this year when he applies to be a writer for WWE.COM. #I really want to be a writer for WWE cause my girlfriend died at one of your shows.

But we need to move on, it is Championship weekend.  The Informer will obviously be rooting for the Man Randal Moss this weekend. Which does not mean good things for the 49ers.

“What Do You Mean Informer?”

Glad you asked fake reader that is not dead, the Informer has been rooting for the 49ers/Vikings/Patriots since January 1990.

That was the winter the Informer watched Jerry Rice and the 49ers score 55 points in the Super Bowl in a route of the Denver Broncos.

Since then there has been one Super Bowl win and a number of Heartbreaks.

It all started the very next year in January of 1991 when the 49ers were poised to make a third trip to the Super Bowl but then Joe Montana was gang r*ped and forced out of football for two years by the New York Giants.

That same game the Niners somehow fumbled away the lead and the Giants snuck into a Super Bowl that led to the wide right game.

A couple years later, now led by Steve Young, the 49ers were back to being the best team in football only to get cheated two straight years by the gosh damn Dallas Cowboys. The 49ers would rebound with the help form Deion Sanders and eventually beat the San Diego Chargers for a Super Bowl the following year.

That was 1994. The last time a team the Informer rooted for has won the Super Bowl. There were good and great teams, but no more Super Bowl winners. #that was 30 years ago, and you thought the Red Sox had a bad drought?

There was Randy Moss’ rookie year when the man led the Vikings to the NFC title game and a 7 point lead late in the 4th quarter against the Atlanta Falcons.

Yes the same Falcons playing this weekend but the Informer will get to that later.

Right now the Informer is remembering the kick heard round the world. You know the field goal that Vikings kicker Gary Anderson (Who was 35-35 on field goals that year) missed even though it was a routine forty some yarder that would have given the Vikings an insurmountable 10 point lead. (Have no idea what the hell insurmountable means)

This of course led to some magical Falcons comeback and a win in overtime. Moss and the 15-1 Vikings were “Dirty Birded“ out of the playoffs.

A few years later the Vikings returned to the NFC title game only to lose 41-0 in Giants stadium against the Gosh Damn Giants. (That was the year the Giants stole the Vikings radio signals and used them to cheat, you can look it up…Its true)

Well after that Randy Moss decided to retire for a few years and move to Oakland. During that first retirement the Informer decided to root for Reggie Bush and the upstart Saints.

If you don’t remember, Bush in his rookie year,  led the Saints to the NFC title game where the Chicago Bears purposely beat the Saints and once again the Informer had to deal with Championship game heartbreak. Seriously they didn't even let the Saints try and win.

(Informer Note - the good news at this point in time the Informer found that he had a great ability to drink heavily and sometimes even forget said outcomes.)

Then in 2007 a miracle happened. Randy Moss decided to come out of retirement and lead the New England Patriots to an undefeated regular season and Super Bowl Appearance.

The Informer understands this loss did not happen in the NFC title game but it needs to be brought up that if the Informer ever sees Ellis Hobbs walking down the aisle at a Toys R US the Informer will f*cking stab him in the heart with a plastic soddering iron.

You think the Informer is joking.

The Informer’s point is he has absolutely no confidence in the 49ers this weekend.

Something bad is going to happen because the Informer is being punished for wearing his 49ers pants every game during his magical 38 goal 2nd grade soccer season (9 games).

The Informer was not very humble back then so he is now being punished with excruciating losses by his favorite teams on a yearly basis.

Hopefully the man upstairs and Tebow are reading this blog because the Informer is apologizing for his behavior back then. He didn’t know that bragging about how awesome you and your favorite teams were could offend others.

Please don’t hold it against Randy Moss, trying to get his first ring in what maybe his last season #That is a way better story then Ray Lewis trying to get a ring before he retires.

“Seriously Informer, WTF, are you drunk? What are you yapping about?”

Yes the Informer is drunk.

The Informer is also excited that Randy Moss and the 49ers are one game away from the Super Bowl and they are playing the Falcons #The Informer put a fake wager on either the Falcons or 49ers making the Super Bowl.. WINNER WINNER FRIED CHICKEN DINNER

“Informer maybe its time to just let the Question do some talking, you need to go sit down for awhile.”

THE QUESTION

Boy I really wish someone would have told me the Divisional games were going to be so exciting. 

What's that Fake Reader?  Oh you're right you read it right here didn't you? 

Now I don't mean to toot my own horn, but when my picks are not up to snuff you need something to fall back on.  This weekend should be more of the same from the NFL, you know where anything can happen on any given Sunday. 

Last week we saw the Ravens upset the Broncos, thereby keeping Ray Lewis' Super Bowl life alive.  While slamming the door shut on Peyton's season. 

My Niners took care of business with a young Kaepernick looking like a poised veteran quarterback with sprinter speed.  Bucking the trend of anything can happen on any given Sunday were the Patriots taking care of business. While the Falcons gave their playoff win away to Seattle only to take it back again. 

I mean really Tony G was crying after his first playoff win in his career.  I figuratively about fell out of my chair when I realized last weekend that was Tony G's first playoff victory. 

He's been playing in the NFL for like 16 years, how does he only have 1 playoff win?  Crazy stuff man, crazy stuff.

(Hey Mr. Question did you know Takeo Spikes has been playing in the NFL for 15 years without ever making the playoffs? Not making that up, and I really enjoyed your dig at the Chiefs there. Mr. Ryry is not going to be very happy when he realizes Tony G spent most of his career playing in KC#That means the Chiefs never won a playoff game, get it?)

Alright on to this week.  Quick fact: 3 of the 4 teams playing this weekend were here last year.  (Falcons replaced the Giants.) 


Ravens @ Patriots -9.5

THE QUESTION

This is a repeat of last year.  Billy Cundiff pretty much ended his career with his missed 30 ish yard field goal to tie, but that was after Lee Evans dropped a touchdown pass. 

The Patriots will cause match up problems and wear down this Ravens D after their exhausting playoff run so far. 

The Patriots seem to always end up with more points on the board however the Ravens know how to play the Pats close and eventually have to win one. 

The Ravens will turn this into a grind of a ball game, then take a couple chances over the top as the Patriots weakness is their secondary, although much improved from last year. 

I expect this to be a close game as the Ravens just seem to know how to play this Patriots squad. 

Pick - Ravens

THE INFORMER

There is not one person picking the Patriots to cover this game. Everyone is remembering that this Ravens team always plays the Pats tough. You can look it up, even in the Pats undefeated season they were almost beaten by Baltimore.

Here is what we  know about this game.

The Ravens will be ready to play. They are very well coached and they have Ray Rice.

The Pats have Tom Brady and Bill Bellicek. Those guys do not lose many games at home.

We know the Ravens already beat the Pats once this season so that will work against them, but does a week three game even matter at this point? (Its very hard to beat a team twice just ask the Broncos last week).

Tom Brady will not have Grankowski or Woodhead, but he will have all his other friends namely Ridley, Welker, Hernandez, Vareen, Lloyd and the creepy kid with the lisp #Super Troopers Reference

The Ravens are going to have Ray Lewis and his god on their side and a QB who has now played in three of the last five AFC Title Games.

Sooner are later he has to win won right? Bills Fans? Eagles Fans? #Eagles once lost four straight NFC title games before making the Super Bowl and the Bills well they lost four straight Super Bowls.

The Informer thinks this is going to be a three score game.

The Patriots offense is to good.

The Informer does not trust Joe Flacco.

Vegas obviously agrees, why else would this be a nine point game.

Then again the Informer just bought a bunch of meat from one Ray Baxa and if the Informer picks against the Ravens there is a good chance the meat is going to be poisoned and the Informer will wake up in a pine box six feet uder #Can you wake up dead?

Pick - Ravens. . It is to many damn points. Feel free to vomit when it is 28-9 in the second quarter.




Niners @ Falcons +3.5

THE QUESTION

Very rarely if ever will you see points this far skewed towards the road team in a Conference Championship game. 

No one is giving this Falcons team a chance after they nearly tripped up AGAIN in the divisional round against the Seahawks. 

This Falcons team has won ugly all year. 

The Niners are not as good defensively in the secondary as the Seahawks, but they will shut down the run and make the Falcons one dimensional which should lead to some take aways for this always scary Niners defense. 

The Falcons D on the other hand have struggled with running quarterbacks.  This season the Falcons lost to the Cam Newton led Panthers once and nearly beat twice by them. 

The Niners will expose their defensive difficulties against the read option run as well as a mobile QB scrambling.  Now after all of this analysis I am taking the Falcons because they are a home dog in a conference championship game. 

This game will be close after all the world can't make it easy on me. 

Two more wins Niners.  Two more. 

Pick - Falcons

THE INFORMER

The Re-match that is 15 years in the making.

Randy Moss against the Atlanta Falcons. 

You bet your hard earned straight cash that us Moss fans hold a grudge. We hate the Falcons as much as the Giants and Ellis Hobbs. It is fitting that Moss is going against the Falcons this weekend. The circle of NFL life is almost completed.

This week he takes down the Falcons, and the its on to New Orleans where he will finally teach those racist bastards from New England a lesson.

Of course that means the Informer has to do his part, so the fake wager will be placed on the Falcons.

The Informer is also saying the Falcons covering is this weeks LKLOTW. There is no way the 49ers can go into Atlanta and beat this Falcons team that wins at home every time.

The Informer doesn’t even need to bring up the fact that the 49ers being favored by 3.5 points is the highest spread in favor of a road team in a title game in 56 years. #The Informer totally made that up, but road teams are usually not favored in TITLE GAMES.

The 49ers do have the fact that they are the better all-around team, and the better coached team in their favor.

The Informer does not think the Falcons defense is any good. On the other side the 49ers offense is down right scary.

The Informer also thinks the 49ers defense is really really good. The Falcons offense has some weapons but if your looking at this logically they do not match up very well with San Fran.

Now for the best gambling tip the Informer can give you this week:

The Informer will be placing a 100 dollar fake wager if gambling were legal bet on the Falcons plus 3.5.

The Informer has made four of these 100 dollar fake wagers if gambling were legal bets this year. The Informer is 0-4 in said fake wagers.

Im not making that up.

The Informer is not trying to trick you the reader.

The Informer wants Randy Moss In the Super Bowl.

Pick - LKLOTW AND$100 DOLLAR FAKE WAGER ATLANTA FALCONS

PS - Happy birthday to the Question who turned 47 years old today. The Informer wants to thank you for everything you do to contribute to the blog… Each week you’re the ying to my yang and you make the Informer a better writer.

Thank you.. .

Happy Birtday “Q DADD” (His real name is not Q Daddy but the Informer had to change the name to protect the innocent)

Sunday, January 13, 2013

"NFL DIVISIONAL PLAYOFF THOUGHTS"

Now that is more like it. . .

That is what the NFL Playoffs should be like. . .

Lots of scoring, some defense when needed, good clean football and the man making the two greatest 12 yard catches in NFL history…

The Informer is only making a little of this up, but on one of them Moss actually bobbled on purpose just to show how awesome he is #The Informer is a little delusional when it comes to Randal Pink Moss. . . .

But seriously, What a weekend.

Tom Brady did Tom Brady things and his Patriots are back in the AFC title game for the 7th time. #That’s a lot!

Colin Kaepernick officially announced his claim as a bad bad mamojamma and a force to be reckoned with in the NFL…In the words of Frand Gore “You can ball!”

(Yes, that is what Gore told Kaepernick after the final kneel down, and the Informer could not agree more. Hell the Informer may even learn how to spell the dudes name after that performance #He did set an NFL record rushing for 181 yards and two scores. O and he threw for 261 yards. WOW!)

Matty Ice and the Falcons did what they have been doing all year, kicking game winning field goals at home. The Informer doesn’t have the greatest memory, but hasn’t Matt Bryant kicked 3 or 4 game winners at home this season? Did you guys know that if Bryant had missed that kick the Falcons would have become the second team in NFL history to blow a 20 point second half playoff lead?

And finally, Peyton Manning turned into Peyton Manning, that is not a compliment. More on him later 

There were three great games this weekend, and one great performance by the Patriots, so why don’t we just stop all the questions and jump right into the Informer’s thoughts from the NFL Divisional Weekend.

Here is what the Informer liked

1. The Informer Jinx - Hey the Informer put his money on the Packers in order to get Randy into the NFC Title game and it worked to perfection. If you think the Informer is not calling the Falcons his LKLOTW and betting boatloads of fake illegal monopoly money on them this weekend then you do not know the Informer. #Randy Moss needs a ring.

2. Harbaugh Coach “A” - Man the 49ers were ready to play. The Informer has yet to see a team that is better than the 49ers when they are rested and ready to play. Last night they were a more dominant and physical team,  which is how you rush for over 300 yards in an NFL playoff game.

The Informer is giving all the credit to their head coach, whether it is putting his young QB in a positions to succeed (Pistol Runs, Low Risk Pass), or having his defense ready to shut down A-Rodge (Under 260 passing yards?)  Harbaugh constantly has his team ready to play physical smart football.

(Informer Note - I am not sure which Harbaugh is which? Is John in San Fran and Jim in Baltimore? Can somebody look this up for me?)

3. Harbaugh Coach “B” - The Baltimore Ravens did not make many mistakes on Saturday, and even though they may have gotten a lucky 70-yard TD to send the game to overtime the Informer has to give credit where credit is due, this is now two straight years where the Ravens are going to the AFC title game because they are well coached and disciplined.

If you think the Ravens should be a nine point underdog going into New England next weekend you are sorely mistaken. #They will be ready to play

4. Tom Brady - 17 career playoffs wins, passing Joe Montana.

He is also Taking his team to their 7th AFC Title Game, tied with Montana.

For those in the Manning vs. Brady argument, Peyton has only played in 3 AFC title games, winning one.

Just saying.

The Informer did not get to watch the Patriots game, but from all reports it was classic Racist Alleged Asshole Tommy.

Pin points throws and 38 points.

The Informer is on the record saying back in week 14 that the Super Bowl would be Patriots and 49ers and after this weekend it is going to be hard to convince me otherwise.

5. Colin Kaepernick - I know we already talked a little about the tatooed maestro, (that word sounds like “MY STROE” for those wondering) but the Informer thinks we need to take a time-out and give a GOOD GOSH SHOUTOUT!!!!!!!

Not many have had better all-around playoff games in the history of the NFL. His speed is really something to watch, and even though they were incomplete he even tried to throw two deep balls to the man himself #Moss would have caught one but was interfered with (No FLAG FROM THE RACIST REFS) and the other pass we are not going to talk about. The Informer is not sure what Moss was doing but the Informer was not very happy with the effort on that one play we are not going to talk about Randy.

Come on man we are so close to getting you that ring, now is not the time to go into one of your Randy funks.

6. Tony Gonzales Ray Lewis - Guys who are apparently in their last year making huge impacts.

Did you know that the Falcons playoff win was the first playoff win ever for Tony Gonzales. Its true you can look it up.And Gonzales did things that Tony does including a niffty TD catch in the first quarter.

As for Ray Lewis, a lot of people are on this Lewis murdered a guy so why is he now the spokesperson for the NFL argument?

The Informer was going to agree with everyone until he realized Lewis is about to retire and may have some spare time on his hands to hunt the people down who called him out.

Can’t you imagine Ray Lewis pulling a Jay and Silent Bob and hunting down all the assholes who wrote bad things about him on blogs over the years and kicking their asses/murdering them allegedly? 

You can’t tell the Informer that this is not going to happen so from here on out when asked “Ray Lewis  IS A GOD!!!!

#When somebody asks if Ray Lewis is a GOD you say YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



7. Torre Smith - Made Champ Baily look like Chump Baily. See what the Informer did there, it was a play on words.

But seriously Baily looked silly trying to keep up with the speed of Smith. The Informer spent most of the game wondering why the Broncos were constantly single covering him? Isn’t Smith the only deep threat the Ravens had?

Maybe double team him?

“Informer didn’t Jacoby Jones catch the 70-yard td to win the game? Wouldn’t that make him a deep threat?’

Good point lets move on.

8. Rowdy Rowdy White - Caught a TD BOMB in the Falcons win. If the season has proved anything then next week will be the Weekend of Julio Jones. #They seriously rotate on a weekly basis who is going to be badass. The Informer is not even joking. Just you watch.

9. Speaking of Jones, you now have a “INT” in a playoff game, nobody can take that away from you#Did you know Randy Moss has one INT on his career as well?

10. Russel Wilson - You are a grown ass man out there. You almost led your team to a twenty point come from behind playoff vicotry. Did you  know that Frank Rich was the only QB to ever lead a win from down twenty in the second half? #Bills vs Oilers

The Informer thinks you are really really good. #You still shouldn’t win the ROY Award, but you and your Seahawks will be back to play with the big boys next year. ##Keep feeding your defense HGH and Aderol

Sorry the Informer had to mention that the Hawks were playing a playoff game with two Corner Backs who were accused of failing drug tests for assumed steroid use and nobody cares #Steroids good in football, bad in baseball and cycling?

What about scocer?

Are steroids acceptable in soccer?

Does booze count as a steroid in pool, since after 3 beers the Informer is unstoppable but after 10 beers the Informer can’t hit the cue ball with the broad side of a barn?

Why do people still care about Steroids?

Can we please put Barry Bonds into the Hall of Fame so my Bonds rookie Cards will skyrocket in price?

Why are we still talking about this?

Can we get back to the NFL?

Here is what The Informer Did Not Like

1. Peyton Manning - If the Informer is correct this is the 8th time Manning has lost in the first or second round of the playoffs.

That stat can go two different ways, the first is that means Manning has made the playoffs 11 different times. Which  means that Manning  knows how to win NFL regular season games.

It also means that when the games get on the line Manning’s team usually finds a way to lose.

Listen the Informer fully believes Peyton Manning is the greatest regular season QB of all-time, but how does a guy go from being perfect while winning 11 straight games to turning the ball over three times in a terrible home playoff loss?

And this is not a one time thing, Manning has had some really bad playoff losses.

That is why from here on out Manning is to be called the King of the Regular season, but the title of Overall King goes to Tommy Brady # Shades of Montana vs. Marino… One was the greatest statistical qb's and the other was just the greatest.

Also, you can no longer  use the Brady didn’t even do anything when his team was winning argument (his first four years) because Brady has now played in 4 AFC Title games in years that he was in the MVP Race. #Manning has only played in 3 total

(Informer Note - It needs to be said that Manning did lead the broncos to a 35-28 lead with under a minute left in the game so he needs to get some credit for making what should have been enough plays #Manning can’t play defense. Just ask Randy Moss about that…F*CK YOU ELLIS HOBBS…O SH*T FLASHBACK, MOVE ON…MOVE ON…MOVE ON…ELLIS HOOOOOOBBBBS!!!!!!!!)

2. The OT interception by Manning - In the words of some Minnesota announcer that watched Brett Favre make the same exact throw “HOW DO YOU EVEN PONDER PASSING?

You can’t make the across your body into the middle of the field throw.

YOU CANT MAKE THAT THROW, THAT IS NOT DETROIT, IT IS THE AFC DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!!

With all of that said, the Informer guarantees the Broncos will win 10 games next year. Bet it now.

3. Broncos Coaching Staff - How do you kneel the ball down at the end of the second half when you have two timeouts, 30 seconds left and Peyton Manning at QB?

And how in the BLUE F*CKING HELL do you down the ball in the fourth quarter with 30 seconds left two timeouts and Peyton Manning in a tie ball game?

Are you serious?

Did you see how Atlanta go down the field and kick a game winning field goal with 30 seconds left?

That is what you could have done instead of going to overtime.

Guess what, Atlanta did it without one of the greatest QB’s to ever play the game? Don’t you think maybe Manning could have made two downfield throws to set up your kicker who last year routinely made 50-yard field goals?

COME ON MAN?

YOU CANT DOWN THE BALL IN THAT SITUATION. YOU GOTTA DUNK THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!

Sorry wrong sport but you get the idea. VIDEO CLIP

I guess you could call that decision your thirty seconds of silver. Get it cause they betrayed Tebow? And in the bible its thirty pieces of Silver? And you were all worried the Informer wouldn’t be able to mention Tebow in this blog.

4. Houston Texans - Lost four of their last six games. #Same Texans different year.

For those that don’t remember, before the Texans made a playoff run last year they were known to start really good and then lose a bunch of games down the stretch. Well losing four out of your last six counts is the definition of starting good and vanishing down the stretch.

5. The Old Lady at the bar the Informer was at who wouldn't change the football game over to the Packers and 49ers after the Broncos game was over. #Nobody wanted to want postgame you old hag, they want to watch live football... Just saying.

6. The Falcons Squib Kick - How do you kick the ball ten yards? There was 8 seconds left in the game and you give the Seahawks a chance to throw a hail merry? You do realize this is Seattle right? They now how to convert hail merries... Hell they don't even need to catch the ball in order to covert one and you kick the ball ten yards?  #The Falcons won so it doesnt matter but dear god that was an unbelievable almost huge mistake.

7. The Informer's Picks - 1 win 3 losses… The Informer does need to mention that he picked the Packers to completely jinx them. That is why he put the dreaded 100 dollar fake wager on the Pack to help ensure they would lose #The Informer has never won a fake $100 dollar wager…#Doing what needs to be done to get Randy that ring.

The Informer also thinks he should get credit for the Falcons win. Even though they didn’t cover by .5 point.

Does it count that the Informer picked them to win when while everyone else was on the Seahawks bandwagon?

Anyways, which tonight means lets wrap this thing up, The Informer can’t wait for next weekend.

It will be hard to beat what we all just watched (Did you know that this was the highest scoring divisional weekend of all-time?) but the Informer has not been this excited since the 2007 playoffs. #Yes this is one hundred percent because Randy Moss is one game away from getting “Sweet Sweet” revenge on the racist alleged assholes in New England.

Now if you will excuse the Informer, he needs to start preparing for Thursday nights picks blog #Have a feeling the Informer is going to have a number of Randy Moss stories and insights.




Thursday, January 10, 2013

"NFL PLAYOFFS ROUND 2"

“Informer I just got done reading your movie review for Looper and it resembled an actual piece of writing. There were no spelling mistakes and you didn’t constantly refer to yourself in the third person. Is this something we can expect from this blog going forward?”

First of all fake reader, the Informer is very happy that you took the time to read the Informer’s movie review. The Informer is very proud to actually have something he wrote published on a real website. Yes a real website, with an editor and everything. That is why the Informer’s piece resembled a real article, because it got edited.

Don’t worry to much though, The Informer assures everyone that this blog will continue to be written in the third person, and with the Informer doing all of the editing while being a few “Natties” deep. It will be the best of both worlds. #Still be able to drink every time the Informer misspells a word

With that said,  the Informer is going to continue to do the best job he can putting out an entertaining and informative blog. If that leads to the Informer talking less in the third person, the Informer will be ok with that. As long as the readers are happy, the Informer is happy.

Now that we got that out of the way, how about we get to this weeks NFL DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS.

Here is the Question to start us off…

THE QUESTION

Raise your hand if you were disappointed with the wild card round of the playoffs last weekend.  Go ahead.  Raise your hand and shake your head begrudgingly. 

It was really a disappointment,  similar to watching the "National Championship Game" in college football, what a joke!  (Informer Thought - Was not a disappointment for those of us smart enough to bet Bama…#BOAT RACE)

Last week was like that weekend at college when everyone went home and campus felt empty with nothing to do #suitcase college. 

All but one game was nearly decided going into the fourth quarter.  If we would have known the severity of the injury to RG3 I think it would have been assumed all of the games were over going into the fourth quarter. 

No instant classics, to say the least. 

Well,  if the wild card weekend in the NFL was having a few beers with two buddies while playing playstation, this weekend is a Thursday, Friday, Saturday night Booze-A-palooza-fest with streaking through the quad rolled into one!!! 

Let's take a look at what's on tap (Steve-weisers). 

(Informer Note - What is a Steve-Weiser? The Informer only drinks Natty Weisers? Also the Informer is going to be the first to admit that it is very cold in the quad this time of year. #Its Just a little guy ##That’s a P*nis shrinkage joke)

Kicking off the weekend:



RAVENS @ BRONCOS -9 

THE QUESTION

Turns out this is Ray Lewis' swan song.

This will be a smash mouth  football game.  Both of these teams know how to win and are playing with more on the line then just a NFL ring. 

Each of these teams will be playing for their team leader.  This will be an emotional game from both sides as this Ravens team will lay it all out on the line and then some for Ray.  Then again, the Broncos will do the same for Peyton. 

I don't know, something just seems like its destiny with this Ravens team to reach the Super Bowl.  I mean they are the only team I don't have fake wagered to make the super bowl left in the AFC.  (The Informer is nodding his head#Lots of Broncos or Patriots fake wagers)

I don't think the Ravens will win, but this should be a close game.  The Ravens D is pseudo healthy and picked up some momentum, a slow start for the Broncos allows the Ravens to cover. 

In addition, the Ravens lost to these Broncos in week 15. 

The Ravens will be looking for some revenge. 

Pick - Ravens

THE INFORMER

Mr Question you just wrote the exact paragraph the Informer was going to write.

This game has all the makings of a slugfest/knockdown defensive battle. If you don’t believe the Informer,  the last time Peyton Manning played the Ravens in the playoffs his team didn’t score a touchdown. (They won with 5 field goals from Adam Vinateri)

The Informer keeps looking at that number. Why is this a 9 point spread? That’s a lot for a playoff game where the Ravens (Playoff Tested) are involved.

This is the same Ravens team that went into Foxborough last year and almost beat the mighty mighty racists.

That is also the problem, this is the same Ravens team, which means they are a year older. The Ravens age is not their only question.

Didn’t the Colts just throw all over the old Ravens defense? If Andy Luck can do it, shouldn’t the Peyton be able to do it? Aren’t we destined for a Manning vs. Brady AFC Title Game? Doesn’t the world deserve that? Is Joe Flaco really a starting quarterback in the NFL? Are the Ravens going to hand the ball off to Ray Rice, because if they do they may win this damn game?

Listen, the Informer really wants to take the points. But the rule states that you do not take the road underdog quarterback in a playoff game unless you think they can win outright.

In this case the Informer does not think Joe Flaco is going to out-duel Peyton Manning in a big game. Not after everything Manning has went through to make it to this point.

The Informer is not going to bet against Peyton Manning.

Pick - Broncos

(Informer Note - I am pretty sure that I am now a Broncos fan. After Tebow mania last year, and the awesomeness that is Peyton Manning this year, the Informer maybe a full fledged Broncos fan. This is two years in a row that the Informer tivoed all of their games and started a Madden Dynasty with them. The Informer only has one question, how did this happen, the Informer seriously hates the Broncos…#But He LOVES TEBOW AND MANNING)



Packers @ Niners -3.5

THE QUESTION

Let's just make this simple. 

I think this will be a slobber knocker of a football game. 

The Niners D should make sure of this, however it's the Packers D I am worried about. 

Last week they "shut down" AP surrenderring only 99 yards.  This Packers D is coming around and this game is going to come down to who takes care of the ball the best. 

If I were a betting man, I would have to take the points in this match up. 

Niners are good but I see this as a classic 3 point game in one direction or the other. 

Plus any time you can take Aaron Rodgers getting points in a playoff game, it has to be the best bet right? 

Pick - Packers

THE INFORMER

There are very few rules that the Informer follows, but one rule is he lives his life a quarter mile at a time… The other rule is you always bet Aaron Rodgers when he is getting points. It is the safest bet in football.

In this case, are you really going to bet an unproven Colin Kaepernick against Aaron Rodgers? Come ON Man.

This game is also a major revenge game for the Packers, who were curb stomped at home in week one verse the 49ers. The Informer is scared that they are going to return the favor this week.

Listen, the 49ers defense is the best in football, no matter how you slice it. They are going to be ready to play. But the Informer can’t help but think back to the mid-90’s when a young PACKERS QB named Favre went into Candlestick year after year and beat the 49ers. #The Informer used to cry after the 49ers would lose and his moms would have to tell him everything will be ok.

If history has taught us anything it is to bet the proven QB. Im sorry but Kaepernick needs to prove he deserves to be giving points against Mr. Rodgers before the Informer will back him in an alleged fake gambling wager.

Pick - LKLOTW - PACKERS

(INFORMER NOTE - The Informer will be putting as much money as humanly possible on the Packers this weekend. If it cost the Informer 1,000 dollars he will jinx this f*cking Packers team and help Randy Moss into the next round. #The Informer is not joking..Lets just say if the Informer had an alleged gambling problem and a bookie he would have already put a monster wager down on the Packers…Again all alleged wagers are made using monopoly money…Long Live Randy Moss)



SEAHAWKS @ FALCONS -2.5

THE QUESTION

Ever since the "Golden Gate" incident there has been a collision course of sorts set up to allow the Seahawks and Packers rematch to occur. 

The world has a funny way of evening things out, sometimes it isn't immediate. 

You know what they say, what goes around comes around. 

Well for that theory to pan out the Seahawks need to take on a good offensive Falcons team.  It's a good thing the Seahawks D is up to the challenge. 

The Seahawks have the best secondary in the NFL and the Falcons cannot run the ball.  If the Seahawks hold form and take care of the ball they will win this game. 

This is the only game this weekend that is not a rematch of a previous match up this season.

Pick - Seahawks

THE INFORMER

The Falcons have been hearing all year how they are not a good playoff team. The Flacons have been hearing all year how they can’t win the big one. The Falcons have now been hearing all week how the Seahawks are actually the best team in the NFL, not the team with home-field advantage. The Informer is predicting that the Falcons are sick of all the hearing, and are going to come out and dominate this football game. (It is called the nobody believes in us theory)

This is going to be a Matty “Ice” coming out party. #and Julio Jones

Also, The Informer is not going to bet a rookie QB on the road against the best home team in the business.

Seriously the Falcons have lost something like five games at home under Matty Ice.

The Informer loves the Falcons this week.

The Informer has also lost boatloads of money this year betting against the Seahawks, so take the following pick with a grain of weed… Is that the proper analogy? Is it a grain of gravy over mashed potatoes? Damn the Informer is hungry #The Informer was looking for a grain of salt…

Pick - Falcons

(Informer Note - For those that may remember the Informer was telling everyone that the Falcons 35-1 odds to make the Super Bowl at the beginning of the season was a great bet…Sadly the Informer forgot to wager and instead waited to the end of the season and took the Falcons 4-1 odds to make the Super Bowl…If your scoring at home, the Informer is a F*cking moron)




TEXANS @ PATRIOTS   -9

THE QUESTION

I have a theory, most professional football teams have approximately the same amount of coaching, raw ability and talent. 

The difference is the motivation / drive of the players on their respective teams. 

Let me preface my next statement with, I am not saying the Patriots and Tom Brady do not want to win another Super Bowl. 

I am saying that the Texans got embarrassed one month ago in prime time on Monday Night Football 42-14 vs the Patriots. 

That sticks with a person. 

You want to talk about motivation! 

Also, it is extremely hard to beat a team twice in the same year.  This is way too many points and the Texans scare me as a possible upset here. 

Pick - Texans

(A Question Note - I rolled all the road underdogs this week after every favorite covered last week. 

I don't know about you, but I am excited for this weekend!  Good Luck and Enjoy)

THE INFORMER

Once again the Informer was thinking the same thing as the Question, but then he once again remember that we are on a collision course for Manning vs. Brady VVXXXIIIV..#Whats the Roman Numeral for a lot?

And the Informer is not going to be betting the opposite of that.

Ask yourself this, Do you really want to be the guy who put money on the Texans when this is a 28-0 game late in the second quarter?

The ask yourself if you really think that Matt Schaub is going to be able to out-gun Tom Brady? He barely out-gunned Andy Dalton.

And finally, Do you really want to bet against Manning vs. Brady?

The Informer didn’t think so. 

This Texans have not been the same team since they got boat-raced by the Pats, and this week is not going to be any different. #Start your engines

Pick - Those Alleged Racist in the North East…Patriots



Informer’s Favorite Fake Wagers:

Packers +3

Patriots plus 1, Broncos plus 1 and Falcons plus 7.5 in a three team teaser

Everyone enjoy the weekend, and please for the sake of Randy getting his “RING” (F*CK YOU ELLIS HOBBS) please bet all of your money on the Packers…

If you would like to read an edited Informer movie review check out www.alphaentertainmentonline.com where the Informer will be writing a weekly movie review…The Informer is very proud of himself for being published, please check it out…

Finally the Informer will be wearing a Tebow Broncos jersey during the early game on Saturday, followed by switching to the lucky Randy Moss 49ers jersey for the Saturday night game. #The Informer is never to old to wear jerseys

See everyone Sunday Night….GO FOOTBALL





Friday, January 4, 2013

"ITS THE PLAYOFFS WEEK 1"

The NFL Playoffs are here.

Rex Ryan has a tattoo of Mark Sanchez Tebowing somewhere on his body.

The Informer is not sure what that has to do with the NFL playoffs, but the Informer’s dream tattoo of Randy Moss’s face on his back with the caption “STRAIGHT CASH HOMEY” underneath fully supports Rex in his attempt to claim his quarterback.

As you can tell, the Informer is fully out of his funk from last week and ready to make money on incompetent QB’s on the road in the first round of the NFL playoffs.

 So in the spirit of the Holidays……….

LETS DRINK SOME BEEEEEEEEERS AND PIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Bengals @ Texans -4.5

THE QUESTION

The Texans seem to be falling apart week by week. 

They just gave up a playoff bye last week with a loss to the Colts. 

If the Texans are to win this game their secondary will need to contain A.J. Green,  the red rocket’s favorite target. 

The Texans will get back to the basics play tough D run the ball and move the ball off the play-action pass. 

Expect a prepared Texans team looking to right the ship. 

Pick - Texans

THE INFORMER

This is the Informer’s LKLOTW…

The Informer loves this game so much he is notonly bringing back the LKLOTW, but he is also bringing back the  dot dot dot thingy…

The Texans were one bad week 17 game away from being the best team in the NFL.

Now the Informer is supposed to believe a ginger can come into town and wreck havoc on the mighty Texans.

The Informer just tried to type the sound a 16-year old girl/Jon Snaps would make when she/he is giving you the three snaps in a z formation….SHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESH!!!!!!!!!!

Again, if it were not for the COLTS playing out of their minds for their coach wouldn’t the Texans be the #1 seed, with everyone talking about how awesome they are.

The Informer is taking the home team and betting heavily in their favor…#The Informer will do everything in his power to help the Sickness.

Pick - Texans





Vikings @ Packers -8

THE QUESTION

Yes the Vikings just got done beating the Packers last week to make the playoffs. 

Now they are rewarded for that by getting an all-expense paid trip to Lambeau field. 

This will not turn out well for the Vikings. 

Christian Ponder will screw this up. 

Aaron Rodgers is too good and the Vikings will not let Adrian Peterson beat them this week. 

Ponder will make an attempt but will only compound the problem by making mistakes. 

PICK - Packers


THE INFORMER

Didn’t the Informer just say he was excited to bet bad QB’s on the road in NFL Playoff games.

“Informer, what about the MVP Adrian Peterson?”

You mean the guy who should get second. The Informer is sorry he is not sorry, but Peyton Manning is the MVP of the NFL this year.

4 Neck Surgeries will always trump 1 Knee Surgery.

Seriously, neck surgery means your paralyzed for life, Knee Surgery means one leg doesn’t work for life.

“The Vikings were terrible last year Informer, and they were not any better this year, yet Peterson took them to the playoffs.”

The Broncos won 8 games last year fake reader, this year they won 13 and are the best team in football…

That happened because Peyton Manning joined the team.

Listen, Adrian Peterson is the Informer’s new hero, but Peyton Manning is the MVP.

What does that have to do with this game?

Absolutely Nothing…

But, The Informer does know that the year Barry Sanders broke the 2,000 yard mark and shared the MVP award with Brett Favre, after Sanders carried the team to the playoffs, the Lions lost to the Packers in Lambeau.

Sanders finished that game with -2 yards rushing.

The Informer really doesn’t think he is making that up either. (Informer Note - That was a lot of beers ago, but the Lions definitely got housed by the Packers in the playoffs.)

Pick - Not going against history…PACKERS




Colts @ Ravens -7

THE QUESTION

This Ravens team is one tough cookie to crack. 

They really just need to ensure Ray Rice gets 30 touches and they will win. 

I can’t believe the Ravens coaching staff has not figured this out yet, but they just seem to try and make Flacco be the hero. 

The Colts are very familiar with the Ravens as Chuck Pagano was previously at Baltimore. 

This will allow the Colts to hang around and who knows maybe begin a storied playoff career for the Andrew Luck. 

Pick - Colts

THE INFORMER

The Informer is taking the Ravens and betting the Ravens so that Andrew Luck can win this damn game and shut his critics the F*ck Up.

Listen, Russell Wilson playing good in four straight games does not make him the NFL ROY…

The Informer realizes that the last thing you see is the best, but at some point the whole season needs to come into play.

For goodness sakes, there was a point about six weeks ago where everyone jumped off the Seattle bandwagon and said it was because Russell was not that good.

Now he should win ROY over Luck… Come the f*ck on man…

The Informer is on record saying he is ok with Bob Griffin the 3 winning this award but that is it.

It is either Luck or Griffin.

No other people not named Alfred Morris should be talked about.

The Informer will not argue about this.

Please Mr. Luck prove to these assholes in the media that you are the man we all think you are.

Pick - F*ck em,  Daddy is betting the COLTS

PS - For those wondering Craig Baxa is actually in stable condition at this time. We that care about Craig would politely request that nobody troubles him in his hour of need. Baxa needs is space in order to cope with the tragedy that is Ray Lewis announcing his retirement. Again we in the Baxa group thank everyone for their kind words and we assure everyone that one day everyone will be able to move on. . .

Sorry Craig but it is not going to be a good weekend for you.



Seahawks -3 @ Redskins

THE QUESTION

I really want to take the Seahawks here, but this is too many points for a team on the road. 

Even against a team with a QB in RG3 not 100%. 

The Seahawks defense is better and will cause problems for the Redskins, but the Redskins running game should counteract this and allow RG3 to make some plays. 

Plus the Seahawks have struggled at times on the road. 

Plus everyone and their dog like the Seahawks. 

Seems strange. 

Pick - Redskins

THE INFORMER

Russell Wilson was drafted in the 3rd round. . .

RG 3 was drafted 2nd overall after one team traded everything they could to get him.

That obviously has nothing to do with the game on Sunday, but the Informer is going to take the home team getting points.

If the Informer has learned anything from betting against the Detroit Pistons giving points at home on Friday night it is this…..ALWAYS BET THE HOME UNDERDOG…..ALWAYS…

Good Enough For the Informer…

Pick - Thunder Tad’s Washington Redskins………..

See everyone on Sunday Night

(The Informer has a long winded rant about RG3 vs Russell Wilson but how about we let it play out on the field...Enjoy the best month of the year people)

"Informer Movie Review...LOOPER"

The Informer feels like he needs to give a “Spoiler Alert” before we continue with his first ever movie review. (And by “Spoiler Alert” the Informer means an overview of his movie reviewing credentials)

This is not going to be your typical ma and pa Movie Review Blog.

If your looking for sound analysis and in depth movie talk, you are in the wrong place. If your  looking to laugh at the thoughts of a fat guy while he watches movies, then keep reading.

For those that are thinking “Wow they really will let any idiot write a movie review blog.” Well, the Informer agrees with you,  but he is happy that you are choosing this idiots review.

“Informer, besides talking to yourself while writing,  why are you qualified to blog about movies?”

The Informer can spell out his qualifications in a simple two part answer:

1. The Informer’s favorite movie is a biography about a “Rag-Tag” group of oil drillers that saved the world from an asteroid in 1998.

It is called Armageddon.

This is important information to know because the Informer lives everyday based on the beliefs of one Harry S. Stamper. 

AKA WWHSD… “What Would Harry Stamper Do”

“Informer I thought your life motto was  “You live your life a quarter mile at a time?”

Listen made up figment of the Informer’s imagination, we could play this game for days. The Informer’s point was Harry Stamper Saved the world, what have you done today?

2. The Informer will live and die with the belief that “Nick Cage and Vin Diesel are the two greatest American Actors Alive Today. Jason Statham, being British, is the greatest actor alive period. This all goes without saying, but the Informer needs to say it anyways.

(Informer Question - Is Statham British? He always talks with a weird accent in his movies. We may need someone to look this up.)

If this does not sound like the type of guy you want writing your movie reviews,  then the Informer would just ask you to please read anyways.

Because the more you read, the easier it will be for the Informer to become famous and one day meet and shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I have ever met. #Armageddon Quotes

And with that, lets talk “LOOPER”



                                   THE INFORMER REVIEWS THE MOVIES

                                                          “LOOPER”



WHAT THE INFORMER THINKS HE KNOWS ABOUT LOOPER BEFORE WATCHING:

This is a movie about a mob hit-man starring Bruce Willis (Presumably Playing Himself) who sends bad guys back into time to be killed by a younger version of Bruce Willis. Young Bruce is portrayed by that kid who plays Robin in the new Batman movie (Joseph Gordon-Levitt).

The movie action starts when Bruce’s boss sends him back into time to be killed by a younger version of himself.

The Informer is not sure if he is confused or giddy, but how can this movie possibly be bad? Again it stars “Bruce Freaking Willis,” aka the third greatest American actor alive today, but that goes without saying.

WHAT THE INFORMER KNOWS ABOUT TIME TRAVEL BEFORE WATCHING:

Doc Brown always told Marty that if he ran into his past self in the past,  that things would turn out very badly in the future. Again its time travel so you may need to be a rocket scientist to follow along.

The Informer does know that if Bruce Willis is being sent into the past to be murdered by a younger version of Bruce Willis then the Doc was right!

Nothing good can happen from time traveling and running into your past self.

THE INFORMER’S EXPECTATIONS FOR LOOPER:

An updated version of “TIME COP.”

Do you guys remember Time Cop?

It was an awesome mid-nineties time travel movie starring Jean Claude Van Damn.

The Informer knows exactly what your thinking and yes he is fully expecting “Looper” to be the second best time travel movie of all-time. #Nothing Beats Van Dam

Now that we understand what is at stake, the Informer is going to watch his movie.


*************ROUGHLY TWO HOURS LATER****************

Bad news first, this movie is not “Time Cop”.

The Informer is not really sure what he just watched. Pretty sure this turned out to be a time traveling version of X-Man that involves Bruce Willis trying to assassinate children.

The Informer does not know if he liked it, hated it, was entertained, disgusted, turned-on, or flat out repulsed by this movie.

On paper “Looper” has it all; Bruce Willis, that guy from the new Batman, Time-Travel, the Mob, A Crazy Mutant Super Child and the chick from “Coyote Ugly” showing some skin (Piper Pablo).

But then you take away the paper and you have a movie that doesn’t know if it wants to be Time-Cop or X-Men.

THE INFORMER’S FIRST THOUGHT AFTER WATCHING

Is Bruce Willis the good guy or the bad guy?

 The Informer seems to think that Old Bruce (Played By Bruce Willis) ends up as the bad guy, while young Bruce (Played by Robin from Batman)  becomes the savior, and the mutant child (Who is some future guy named Rainmaker) goes form being a horrible future person to presumably living happily ever after as a good person with his moms?  

Like the Informer said, not really sure what just happened.

The Informer’s wife summed it up best;

“I did not like it, not only did you not cuddle with me because you said you had to write your stupid blog, but then you made me watch a movie where Bruce Willis goes around and tries to kill children. I’m going to bed.”

Needless to say the Informer’s wife will not be watching Looper a second time.

“Informer if your going to give away plots of the movie while using your made up wife you need to give a Spoiler Alert. Some of us have not seen this movie yet.”

You know what, the imaginary voice in the Informer’s head is correct. He should have given a spoiler alert. The Informer apologizes, he is new to the movie review business. Lets try it again…

Spoiler Alert - At one point in the movie Bruce Willis decides the only way for him to survive is to go back in time and kill one of the three possible children that could have become this mystery character named the “Rainmaker.”

Another Spoiler Alert - The “Rainmaker” is the guy who is trying to kill all the Loppers in the year 2070 (Old Bruce Willis), because when the Rainmaker was a kid his mother was killed by a Looper in the year 2044 (Apparently also Old Bruce Willis).

Like the Informer said, its confusing.

Here is “Looper” in a nutshell…

Young Bruce Willis kills people for a living, but knows that in the future when his time is up they will send Old Bruce Willis back into time to be killed by Young Bruce Willis. (Makes sense so far.)

At that point in time Young Bruce Willis will quit his job as a Looper (Time Traveling Hit Man) and spends the rest of his 30 years of life spending all the money he made as a contract time traveling hit man.

It sounds like a pretty sweet gig.

Of course things go wrong when young Bruce Willis doesn’t actually kill old Bruce Willis.

This leads to both Bruce’s meeting up in a old time diner talking about the future/past/present. Like the Informer said, it gets confusing.

Anyways, which means please keep your mouth shut and let the Informer finish his movie review, while meeting at the diner Old Bruce Willis talks about this “Rainmaker” that is killing off all the Loopers in 7044.

Old Bruce reports that this guy is actually a child in the present time, 2044 apparently.

Old Bruce’s plan is to kill off the child before he can grow up to become the “Rainmaker.” This would obviously lead to Bruce being able to go back to his life as a married Chinese man. The Informer is not even joking, Old Bruce is a married Chinese man. (And you thought Time Travel was confusing)

Naturally, young Bruce Willis does not believe this story and vows to kill Old Bruce Willis. During all of this the bad guys who employ Young Bruce Willis are trying to kill them both off.

This all leads to an ending where Old Bruce Willis is trying to kill the child “Rainmaker” who also happens to have some special X-Man Powers, while young Bruce Willis is trying to save said child from old Bruce Willis.

And Movie!!!!!!

Like the Informer said, its confusing as sh*t.

Then again, it is a time travel movie where the younger version just wants to kill the older version of himself, so maybe it all actually makes sense and the Informer is the moron.

THREE FINAL MOVIE THOUGHTS:

1. Why does that Pablo girl do nude scenes in this movie?

Wasn’t she the lead character of one of the greatest dude-chick flicks of all time (Coyote Ugly)?

Now she is showing skin in some X-Cop movie.

Yes the Informer just combined Xman and Time Cop into one word and created his new movie called X-Cop.

No, the Informer is not complaining about the use of nudity, but he is definitely asking why the Coyote Ugly chick would take this role? Just like this movie, it didn’t make any sense for her to go nude. Just saying.

2. Why is the getaway truck a 1997 Ford F-150?

Its is the year 2044, wouldn’t you be driving something other then the 1997 Ford f-150? 

You know, something that was not 47 years old?

That would be like the Informer running from a killer while driving a 1993 Ford Thunderbird. (The Informer is not great at math, was 1993 forty seven years ago?)

Listen, the Informer has no issues with Time Travel, Special Guns, Flying motorcycles, but you can’t make a future movie and make the get-away truck a 1997 FORD F-150.

It damn near ruined the movie for the Informer.

3. Maybe Looper has a number of holes, and is a little twisted, but in the end the Informer was entertained.

This is not the best movie the Informer has ever watched, but it is not the “PIANO” either.  (Is the Piano that piece of sh*t movie the Informer watched last year that almost won an Oscar? You know that black and white silent film thing? It really sucked)

If your looking for a movie where there is a lot of murder, some nudity and Bruce Willis? 

Then the Informer recommends the LOOPER.

If your looking for a movie that is not confusing, makes tons of sense and doesn’t have Bruce Willis hunting down children that may turn out to be the spawn of Satan, then you should probably skip renting LOOPER.

Honestly, If the Informer could go back into time he would watch this movie once and then go on to spend his next thirty years trying to half forget and half figure out what the hell he just watched.

The Informer’s Final Rating is this:

LOOPER IS NOT TIME COP… If you want to watch an awesome time travel movie, rent Time-Cop.

If you want to watch an awesome Bruce Willis movie,  rent Die Hard.

If you need to kill some time while being entertained and you want to see that chick from Coyote Ugly take her shirt off for no apparent reason,  rent this movie.

6 out of 10 Informers