Friday, January 4, 2013

"Informer Movie Review...LOOPER"

The Informer feels like he needs to give a “Spoiler Alert” before we continue with his first ever movie review. (And by “Spoiler Alert” the Informer means an overview of his movie reviewing credentials)

This is not going to be your typical ma and pa Movie Review Blog.

If your looking for sound analysis and in depth movie talk, you are in the wrong place. If your  looking to laugh at the thoughts of a fat guy while he watches movies, then keep reading.

For those that are thinking “Wow they really will let any idiot write a movie review blog.” Well, the Informer agrees with you,  but he is happy that you are choosing this idiots review.

“Informer, besides talking to yourself while writing,  why are you qualified to blog about movies?”

The Informer can spell out his qualifications in a simple two part answer:

1. The Informer’s favorite movie is a biography about a “Rag-Tag” group of oil drillers that saved the world from an asteroid in 1998.

It is called Armageddon.

This is important information to know because the Informer lives everyday based on the beliefs of one Harry S. Stamper. 

AKA WWHSD… “What Would Harry Stamper Do”

“Informer I thought your life motto was  “You live your life a quarter mile at a time?”

Listen made up figment of the Informer’s imagination, we could play this game for days. The Informer’s point was Harry Stamper Saved the world, what have you done today?

2. The Informer will live and die with the belief that “Nick Cage and Vin Diesel are the two greatest American Actors Alive Today. Jason Statham, being British, is the greatest actor alive period. This all goes without saying, but the Informer needs to say it anyways.

(Informer Question - Is Statham British? He always talks with a weird accent in his movies. We may need someone to look this up.)

If this does not sound like the type of guy you want writing your movie reviews,  then the Informer would just ask you to please read anyways.

Because the more you read, the easier it will be for the Informer to become famous and one day meet and shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I have ever met. #Armageddon Quotes

And with that, lets talk “LOOPER”

                                   THE INFORMER REVIEWS THE MOVIES



This is a movie about a mob hit-man starring Bruce Willis (Presumably Playing Himself) who sends bad guys back into time to be killed by a younger version of Bruce Willis. Young Bruce is portrayed by that kid who plays Robin in the new Batman movie (Joseph Gordon-Levitt).

The movie action starts when Bruce’s boss sends him back into time to be killed by a younger version of himself.

The Informer is not sure if he is confused or giddy, but how can this movie possibly be bad? Again it stars “Bruce Freaking Willis,” aka the third greatest American actor alive today, but that goes without saying.


Doc Brown always told Marty that if he ran into his past self in the past,  that things would turn out very badly in the future. Again its time travel so you may need to be a rocket scientist to follow along.

The Informer does know that if Bruce Willis is being sent into the past to be murdered by a younger version of Bruce Willis then the Doc was right!

Nothing good can happen from time traveling and running into your past self.


An updated version of “TIME COP.”

Do you guys remember Time Cop?

It was an awesome mid-nineties time travel movie starring Jean Claude Van Damn.

The Informer knows exactly what your thinking and yes he is fully expecting “Looper” to be the second best time travel movie of all-time. #Nothing Beats Van Dam

Now that we understand what is at stake, the Informer is going to watch his movie.

*************ROUGHLY TWO HOURS LATER****************

Bad news first, this movie is not “Time Cop”.

The Informer is not really sure what he just watched. Pretty sure this turned out to be a time traveling version of X-Man that involves Bruce Willis trying to assassinate children.

The Informer does not know if he liked it, hated it, was entertained, disgusted, turned-on, or flat out repulsed by this movie.

On paper “Looper” has it all; Bruce Willis, that guy from the new Batman, Time-Travel, the Mob, A Crazy Mutant Super Child and the chick from “Coyote Ugly” showing some skin (Piper Pablo).

But then you take away the paper and you have a movie that doesn’t know if it wants to be Time-Cop or X-Men.


Is Bruce Willis the good guy or the bad guy?

 The Informer seems to think that Old Bruce (Played By Bruce Willis) ends up as the bad guy, while young Bruce (Played by Robin from Batman)  becomes the savior, and the mutant child (Who is some future guy named Rainmaker) goes form being a horrible future person to presumably living happily ever after as a good person with his moms?  

Like the Informer said, not really sure what just happened.

The Informer’s wife summed it up best;

“I did not like it, not only did you not cuddle with me because you said you had to write your stupid blog, but then you made me watch a movie where Bruce Willis goes around and tries to kill children. I’m going to bed.”

Needless to say the Informer’s wife will not be watching Looper a second time.

“Informer if your going to give away plots of the movie while using your made up wife you need to give a Spoiler Alert. Some of us have not seen this movie yet.”

You know what, the imaginary voice in the Informer’s head is correct. He should have given a spoiler alert. The Informer apologizes, he is new to the movie review business. Lets try it again…

Spoiler Alert - At one point in the movie Bruce Willis decides the only way for him to survive is to go back in time and kill one of the three possible children that could have become this mystery character named the “Rainmaker.”

Another Spoiler Alert - The “Rainmaker” is the guy who is trying to kill all the Loppers in the year 2070 (Old Bruce Willis), because when the Rainmaker was a kid his mother was killed by a Looper in the year 2044 (Apparently also Old Bruce Willis).

Like the Informer said, its confusing.

Here is “Looper” in a nutshell…

Young Bruce Willis kills people for a living, but knows that in the future when his time is up they will send Old Bruce Willis back into time to be killed by Young Bruce Willis. (Makes sense so far.)

At that point in time Young Bruce Willis will quit his job as a Looper (Time Traveling Hit Man) and spends the rest of his 30 years of life spending all the money he made as a contract time traveling hit man.

It sounds like a pretty sweet gig.

Of course things go wrong when young Bruce Willis doesn’t actually kill old Bruce Willis.

This leads to both Bruce’s meeting up in a old time diner talking about the future/past/present. Like the Informer said, it gets confusing.

Anyways, which means please keep your mouth shut and let the Informer finish his movie review, while meeting at the diner Old Bruce Willis talks about this “Rainmaker” that is killing off all the Loopers in 7044.

Old Bruce reports that this guy is actually a child in the present time, 2044 apparently.

Old Bruce’s plan is to kill off the child before he can grow up to become the “Rainmaker.” This would obviously lead to Bruce being able to go back to his life as a married Chinese man. The Informer is not even joking, Old Bruce is a married Chinese man. (And you thought Time Travel was confusing)

Naturally, young Bruce Willis does not believe this story and vows to kill Old Bruce Willis. During all of this the bad guys who employ Young Bruce Willis are trying to kill them both off.

This all leads to an ending where Old Bruce Willis is trying to kill the child “Rainmaker” who also happens to have some special X-Man Powers, while young Bruce Willis is trying to save said child from old Bruce Willis.

And Movie!!!!!!

Like the Informer said, its confusing as sh*t.

Then again, it is a time travel movie where the younger version just wants to kill the older version of himself, so maybe it all actually makes sense and the Informer is the moron.


1. Why does that Pablo girl do nude scenes in this movie?

Wasn’t she the lead character of one of the greatest dude-chick flicks of all time (Coyote Ugly)?

Now she is showing skin in some X-Cop movie.

Yes the Informer just combined Xman and Time Cop into one word and created his new movie called X-Cop.

No, the Informer is not complaining about the use of nudity, but he is definitely asking why the Coyote Ugly chick would take this role? Just like this movie, it didn’t make any sense for her to go nude. Just saying.

2. Why is the getaway truck a 1997 Ford F-150?

Its is the year 2044, wouldn’t you be driving something other then the 1997 Ford f-150? 

You know, something that was not 47 years old?

That would be like the Informer running from a killer while driving a 1993 Ford Thunderbird. (The Informer is not great at math, was 1993 forty seven years ago?)

Listen, the Informer has no issues with Time Travel, Special Guns, Flying motorcycles, but you can’t make a future movie and make the get-away truck a 1997 FORD F-150.

It damn near ruined the movie for the Informer.

3. Maybe Looper has a number of holes, and is a little twisted, but in the end the Informer was entertained.

This is not the best movie the Informer has ever watched, but it is not the “PIANO” either.  (Is the Piano that piece of sh*t movie the Informer watched last year that almost won an Oscar? You know that black and white silent film thing? It really sucked)

If your looking for a movie where there is a lot of murder, some nudity and Bruce Willis? 

Then the Informer recommends the LOOPER.

If your looking for a movie that is not confusing, makes tons of sense and doesn’t have Bruce Willis hunting down children that may turn out to be the spawn of Satan, then you should probably skip renting LOOPER.

Honestly, If the Informer could go back into time he would watch this movie once and then go on to spend his next thirty years trying to half forget and half figure out what the hell he just watched.

The Informer’s Final Rating is this:

LOOPER IS NOT TIME COP… If you want to watch an awesome time travel movie, rent Time-Cop.

If you want to watch an awesome Bruce Willis movie,  rent Die Hard.

If you need to kill some time while being entertained and you want to see that chick from Coyote Ugly take her shirt off for no apparent reason,  rent this movie.

6 out of 10 Informers