(Hey guys remember this article actually ran a week ago at www.alphaentertainmentonline.com check out the site for all your movie book mma and prowrestling needs and wants. . . Its a bad ass site check it out. . . And enjoy Twilight)
Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II is the fifth installment of the
franchise that follows young human Bella and her vampire boyfriend
Edward through a tumultuous love affair.
In Part Two. Bella has given birth to a baby and been transformed into a full-fledged vampire.
We follow along as Bella’s world has been changed, so she is trying to adapt to her new life.
Along the way we find out that Bella’s friend Jacob, who can turn
into a wolf, is also dealing with his new life assignment of protecting
her daughter. It’s a wolf thing, don’t ask.
“Informer, what in the hell are you doing?”
A straight foreword movie review of Twilight Breaking Dawn part 2. What does it look like?
“Your joking right?”
In a word, Yeah! Of course I am joking.
Listen, instead of trying to give some coherent review about
“Breaking Down Part II” (Impossible) I am just going to give you the
rambling thoughts I had while watching. I apologize ahead of time, there
is no rhyme or reason for a ramblings article.\
Things The Informer Thought While Watching Breaking Dawn Part II:
I was a little nervous going into this viewing, because I had only
watched two of the twelve Twilight movies, but since this was Breaking
Dawn Part II, I figured I would be able to catch up when they did their
“Previously on Breaking Dawn Montage.”
You guys remember those from shows like The OC and Beverly Hills 90210 right?. . Teen Dramas always catch you up with a “Previously On Montage.”
So you could imagine my surprise when Breaking Dawn decided to skip
the montage and go straight into Bella Brooding. Apparently the
“Previously On” montage guy was on vacation they year they made Part II.
The good news, Bella’s brooding didn’t last long (don’t worry it
comes back later) because she is now a full fledged vampire. Of course
this means her and Edward can have unlimited sex. Not kidding, the first
thirty minutes of the movie is them talking about Vampire Sex.
When I mentioned this to my imaginary wife, she got mad because she
thought I wanted to watch a Kristin Stewart sex tape. . . I did what
any good husband would do in this situation, I started talking about
Taylor Lautner taking his shirt off.
Five minutes later, Lautner was putting the moves on Bella’s dad by
stripping naked and turning into a wolf. Now, I am not sure what kind of
fetishes you guys are into, but Lautner taking his shirt off and
turning into a wolf is slowly climbing my charts. Wait. . . That’s not
right.
Moving on, can someone explain to me the obsession with hand-holding
in the Twilight world? The whole movie was people going around and
holding hands. It was freaking weird? Is hand-holding a Vampire thing?
Can someone clarify this for me?
Speaking of weird, the CGI baby was creepy. They say no babies are
ugly, well that is not true. Sorry to Bella and Edward, your ugly fake
baby that grows up to date your best buddy has no alibi. . . SHE UGLY!
Ok, I am not saying Twilight was the greatest movie ever, but anytime
your climatic scene is Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart having a
starring contest you know you have cinematic gold on your hands.
Add in the arm wrestling scene where Bella kicks some dudes ass and
then celebrates by punching a volcanic rock, well you are on the right
track to having the best movie ever made. I am not joking, vampire arm
wrestling.
Informer Note – Being a self proclaimed former professional arm
wrestler, I loved watching Bella and her perfect homage to Sly Stallone
in “Over the Top”.
Speaking of getting your head ripped off, there is a part where the
bad guy kills the Cullen’s dad (The Good Guys) by ripping his head off.
It actually had me and my wife up in arms. What a twist. Unfortunately,
it turns out that was not the twist, because the climatic fight scene
is only a vision and doesn’t really happen.
Oh, I am sorry, did I spoil the movie? You’re Welcome.
Anyways, which means quiet down the Informer is brooding, the final scene doesn’t actually happen.
They pull a “Who Shot JR” moment and turn it into a dream sequence.
Honestly, my wife hasn’t been this disappointed since our wedding night…
Easy guys, I meant because the chicken got over cooked, get your heads
out of the gutter.
(For those that don’t remember the 1980’s show Dallas, they had a
season that finished with their main character being shot. . . Only when
the show got picked up for a new season they had to change the story
line so they turned it into a Patrick Duffy dream. I am not making that
up, Patrick Duffy was actually in another TV shows besides “Step by
Step” who new right? Also for those wondering, Brooding is where you
make a face like your really upset and or concentrating really hard
while being constipated. Now that we are all on the same page this mid
article thought can stop. )
But seriously, who in the blue hell makes the final climatic ending
to an “18 Movie Series” a dream sequence. I felt a little like Andy
after he spent two years with the sisters. . . AKA Violated.
Then again, since I didn’t actually watch all 34 chapters of the
Twilight series it wasn’t that bad for me, but there has to be some
pretty upset teenage girls out there.
My other complaint is how did Twilight go from being 90210 with
vampires to Kristen Stewart brooding and Dakota Fanning Starring at me
until I am uncomfortable?
You do have to give Stewart credit though, she should have been given
an Oscar for her performance as the worst actress of all-time. She
pulled out all the stops. Between brooding and giving terrible lines, it
was awe-inspiring to see someone so dedicated to their role as the
worst actress in the history of vampire and teenage dramas.
Somewhere Shannon Doherty is sitting at home yelling at her TV “I’m the moody teenage girl who can’t act or tan dammit.”
Did I mention that Bella’s daughter grows up to date Jacob?
We know this because at the end they have a flash forward to the
future montage. So for those scoring at home we know what is going to
happen in the next Twilight movie, but they couldn’t give us a freaking
refresher montage?
For the love of Dracula, the movie was 118 minutes long, there could
have been one gosh damn here is what you missed montage? Did we really
need the four minute scene of Edward playing the piano. Just saying,
next time skip the piano and give me the montage.
I apologize, I really cant get over the montage thing, but I bet if
you asked all of the Twilight feigns out there they would agree with me.
As long as we are asking questions, how in the blue hell do you
spell FEEN? Is it Fein? Phene? Phien? I really have no idea? Hold on let
me brood for a second maybe ill figure it out.
Thanks to some major BROODING, and Google search of “Crack Feen” I
found out it is spelled FIEND. Now that we got that covered lets get
back to Dakota Fanning staring at me awkwardly.
She has no lines in the movie. She just stares at you. I kept waiting
for her to tell me she sees dead people. . . Whats that? Wrong
childhood star? Sorry I may have been over served tonight.
Speaking of being drunk, I highly recommend you try and watch this
movie sober. I took the challenge and lasted a full seven minutes, all
the way to the point where Bella is going to eat a human and Edward
stops her so she jumps off a cliff.
At that point I handed my wife the car keys and opened the Natties.
No, I wasn’t planning on drunk driving, I gave my wife the car keys so I
would not drive off a cliff. . . (Yes that is a “This Movie Was So Bad
It Made Me Want To Drive Off A Cliff Joke”)
“Informer are you really going to just make random bad jokes for this
entire article? Its called a movie review? Do your job you bum.
Breaking Dawn Part II is a love story everyone can relate to”
Wow figment of my imagination, I think you may need counseling. First
you want the jokes, now you want the review. Could you please make up
your mind?
But ok, let me give you a quick rundown of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II. . .
Bella and Edward have a child but in order for Bella to live she was turned into a vampire by Edward.
Since she is now a vampire their old enemy who is now their buddy,
the shirtless wolfman, has been sent to protect the child that other
Vampires think maybe a Lucifer baby.
Then the bad guy vampires come to fight the good guy vampires, who
are getting help from the wolf people. Before they can fight however,
one of the good chicks holds hands with the bad guy who then dreams a
vision where he dies so the bad guys decide to retreat.
Bella and Edward live happily ever after while their daughter grows up to fall in love with the shirtless wolfman.
That pretty much covers it.
Here are the five best parts of Twilight:
1. The stare down between Bella and Dakota Fanning.
I was on the edge of my seat because it’s a well known fact that
vampires don’t have to blink, so this literally could have went on for
ever. Luckily one of the wolf people intervenes and bites Fanning’s head
off making Steward the winner.
That really happens, kind of. Since it was actually a dream it didn’t
happen, but for a minute my wife was clapping and yelping with joy. In
her words after we found out it was a vision, “Wait, so the wolf didn’t
really bite Dakota Fanning’s head off?”
2. When the movie ended. . . Just kidding. . . But no really when
the credits started rolling my eye stopped twitching, so I could only
assume my stroke was over.
3. The scene where all the good guy vampires come together to say
they will fight. I thought it was the best scene in the movie even if
they did steal it from the “Mighty Ducks.”
Remember that scene in Mighty Ducks 2 after captain blood leaves and
Gordon Bombay once again becomes a great coach the kids go around in a
circle and say how they will fly together as ducks and then they go out
and beat Iceland?
Well Twilight did that exact scene right down to the part where
Edwards yells “When the roosters crow and the cattle are scattering to
the barn, Vampires Fly Together.”
4. The end of the movie look back at Bella and Edward.
Those two kids were so in love.
I feel it is my job to point out that in real life Kristen Stewart
and the guy who played Edward used to be lovers. Until Stewart cheated
on him.
So when I was crying at the end while screaming “She is going to
break your heart Edward, don’t trust her” it wasn’t me talking about
Bella and Edward as much as it was me talking about Stewart and Edwards
real life name. So see, I didn’t get emotionally invested in Twilight, I
was invested in their real life. There is a difference.
5. They left room for a sequel – I don’t know if you guys caught
this, but at the end two of the good guy vampires warn the Cullen family
that the bad guy vampires will never give them peace, they are falling
for the trap.
So, fingers crossed we still have a chance for Twilight Breaking Dawn Ninety One and a Half Part Deux.
I know I will sleep better tonight knowing that there is still a chance.
Informer Note- For factual sake this is supposed to be the final
chapter in the Twilight saga. That is why they did the fast forward to
the future montage. All jokes about this being the best movie ever
aside, please for the love of the eight pound ten ounce bearded baby
Jesus, let this be it. I can’t take anymore brooding.
At the end Bella says to Edward “We Don’t Have Much Time”
Edward responds, “We have forever.”
That is a great way to end this reviews, because I have forever to
live with the memory that I sat down and watched Twilight Breaking Dawn
Part II voluntarily.
“Informer that doesn’t make sense, you said you would never give a bad movie review?”
Well Mr. Fake reader, the good news is I did not give a bad movie
review. What I just did was show you a vision of what could have
happened if I were to watch Twilight and then write a movie review about
it.
I didn’t really write this review. It was all a fake dream sequence.
So my claim that I would never write a negative review is still true.
You feel cheated don’t ya? Now you know how I felt.
THE INFORMER REVIEWS TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART II: PART TWO
Maybe I should have mentioned this before, but this fake vision of a movie review is actually two parts long.
Unfortunately, just like the movie I have nothing new to add so I am
just going to sit and Brood for awhile, and maybe try holding hands.
Brooding. . .
Brooding. . .
Still Brooding. . .
Holding hands trying to get you guys to see my vision. . .
Back to Brooding. . .
A little more Brooding. . .
And. . .
TWILIGHT!!!!!!!
Like I said Breaking Dawn Part II really SUCKED!!! (Bad Vampires Sucking Blood Pun Intended)
