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Saturday, March 30, 2013

"Fan Request - Picking A New NFL TEAM"

This blog is dedicated to the March reader of the Month Snige Horton.(His nickname was used to protect the innocent, he knows who he is..)

Before we begin the Informer would like to thank him and all of the readers that take the time to shop on amazon through this site. It really does put a smile on my face when I see that someone has made a purchase through my site. The Informer puts a lot of hard work into making this a readable and enjoyable blog and when he is rewarded by your kindness it makes him want to be even better.

So thanks Snige for the single biggest purchase ever made through the Informer's site, and thank you to all of the readers who have read and contributed, The Informer appreciates all of you. Lets continue the ball rolling and turn this website into a John Travolata...#Phenomenon

Now to tonight's blog,  Mr. Horton asked the Informer to write a blog to help him and his wife find a new NFL team to watch on TV.

They have been loyal Chargers fans for a number of years, but they are being worn down by mediocre football and the lack of the Shawn Merriman dance.

Now the NFL FAN RULES state that Snige and his wife have to remain Chargers fans. The sports rules are simple and there is no jumping bandwagon from team to team just because your team is boring or they suck.

(From the Informer's perspective Snige was asking for another team to root for, not a new team, so we don't need to call him a fair-weather fan)

The rules are clear, you and your wife are stuck being Charger's fans and you must continue to root for them, and have your Sundays ruined by boredom on a weekly basis. The Informer also knows for a fact that Snige is a Cubs fan which means this guys life from April 1st to Dec 31st every year can't be much fun.

There is a loop hole however, and the Informers going to share it with you and help the Snige's find a new favorite player.

The Informer found this loop hole long ago when his favorite NFL player (Randy Moss) came into the league. At the time a young Informer was a 49ers fan because of Jerrry Rice, but once Moss got drafted the Informer became a die-hard Vikings fan. He watched every game, cried when they lost and defended Moss as the greatest to ever play the game.

Then Moss got traded to the Raiders. The Informer was forced to root for the sh*ttiest franchise in the world for two years but that's the risk you take when you follow a player and not a team. Honestly, It could have been worse, the Informer actually could have been Randy Moss and had to play football with his QB's being Aaron Brooks and 35 years old Kerry Collins. God the Raiders were awful, thank goodness Moss was smart enough to start dogging it so the Raiders would trade him.

After the Raiders experience, the Informer got to be a Patriots fan for 3 record breaking years where the man scored 50 touchdowns in 52 games and actually scored what should have been the game winning touchdown in the Super Bowl. Only Ellis F*cking Hobbs decided to screw up the perfect season.

DEEP BREATHS INFORMER.... DEEP BREATHS....

Okay sorry about that I lost my temper for a second, lets move on. 

After his stint with the Pats Moss and the Informer had a short reunion with the Vikings, a horrible five week stretch with the Titans and last year coming full circle the Informer was once again a 49ers fan.

See that is the loop hole, you can have a favorite player that is not on your favorite team, thus you now must watch every game for both your team and your favorite players team.

But in order to do this you have to go all in.

You need to have jerseys and football cards and read everything you can to became an expert on said player. When the player gets traded you follow that player, there is no team loyalty when it comes to your favorite players, if you like Peyton Manning then by God where is my Orange Broncos jersey.

This can't be a half-assed attempt just to cheer for someone other then your crappy team because the football gods will sniff this out and make you pay. Trust the Informer you don't want to be on the bad side of the football gods.

We also have to follow another rule, NO AFC PLAYERs.

Listen the Chargers are your favorite team period! So you can't have a favorite player be in the same conference because it would be a conflict of interest.

Also if your favorite player and team both make the Supper Bowl or play each other you have to chose before the game who you are going to root for and put that guy or teams jersey on and root for them only.

You are not allowed to flip flop mid game or else everyone of your friends is entitled to call you really mean names, like booger and do do head. The rules are harsh but they are there for a reason.

Since we can't choose any players from the AFC that means you sadly wont be able to enjoy guys like Aj "THE SICKNESS" Green or Andrew Lucky but never fear there are plenty of stars in the NFC that you can and will enjoy.

So without Freddy Adu, here are the Top 10 guys who would make great new favorite players: (Snige also requested the Packers and Vikings not be on the list. That is understandable, those two teams are torture to watch on a weekly basis, even if the Informer loves Adrian Peterson.)

10. Russel Wilson

The Informer does not like Wilson, he thinks he is funny looking and that he got lucky last year and that Andrew Luck was robbed of the ROY because people stupidly gave votes to this guy instead of Luck.

But if you choose Wilson you are getting a Seahawks team that is fun to watch. It has Marshawn "Ill run you over on the field and when I am drunk off the field" Lynch and a head coach who ran such a crooked program that USC would rather have OJ come back for a reunion then to see Pete Carrols mug ever agin.

They are also a West coast team so you wouldn't have to change your NFL viewing habits. Being a Chargers fan your used to going to the bar for the late afternoon games, well this trend will continue since the Hawks also play mostly late afternoon games.


9. Colin Kaepernick

Trust the Informer this guy is fun to watch. He makes big plays and is really fast. But the Informer was bored being a 49ers fan last year. They are a slow down old school in your face football team, but they are not flashy.

They are just solid. Maybe that is the kind of football you and your wife enjoy, if that is the case the Kaepernick and the 49ers probably should be your team.


8. Tony Gonzales

Here me out.

You can choose Gonzales this year because you respect the old man and want to root for his one last chance to make the Super Bowl. That also means you get to become a Falcons fan for a one year trial run.

Then over the course of the year you will get to watch Julio Jones and Matty Ice Ryan and decide if you want one of those guys to be your favorite player the next year.

Basically this is the loop hole inside the loop hole and you would be very close to upsetting the God's line, but if done correctly you would get a free year to try out your new favorite player, then when he retires next year you leave yourself open to free agency, or going back to the Falcons because you fell in love with Julio Jones. (I predict you will fall in love with Jones, he is a bad bad man)

This is a great option if you want to keep your options open.


7. Drew Brees

This is going to be a hard sell because Brees has been in the league 10 years, why haven't you been rooting for him all along. But then you mention how Brees started with the Chargers so you have always liked him, and you want to see him and his coach get revenge for the NFL screwing them last year.

And besides if the Chargers wouldn't have stupidly traded him away you would never have been forced to choose to follow another team.

The only downside is the Saints may not be very good anymore, and now you would be rooting for two teams that are pretty mediocre. On the plus side Brees is going to throw for 5,000 yards, so you will be entertained.


6. Pick A Rookie

Unfortunately it densest look like this years rookie class is going to have a breakout star. Thats what all the experts are saying, but the Informer promises there will be someone who breaks out.

Watch for this guy and be ready to pounce, you will have to declare before week 3 that this is your guy. But choose wisely the Informer once used this strategy to become a Bears fan to follow Rashaan Salamm after a 3 touchdown opening day. You can ask bears fans how that one turned out.


5. Doug "Hamster Wallet: Martin

Pros - Tampa Bay has sweet ass uniforms. His nickname (Give by the Informer) is the Hamster Wallet which is a play on words for the Ham wallet which is a seuxual pun. So it would be fun to get a custom made T-Shirt that says Hamster Wallet on it.

Cons - Yes he was great as a rookie, but your rolling the dice when you pick a runningback because the injury risks are so high. He could be the next Ray Rice, maybe not.

We know he is not the next Adrian Peterson, so that means you would always be rooting for a guy that is not the best at his position. ANd that is never fun because you want to be able to argue that your guy is the best. If you looke back everyone on this list can be put into that argument excpet the Hamster Wallet. He is just really good.


4. Adrian Peterson

The Informer knows you said no Vikings, that is why Peterson is not higher, but just remember you would be getting to root for the greatest running back in the NFL today, and a guy who is one or two more years away from being put into the conversation as greatest of all time.

Seriously you don't want to root for this guy every week? =================)

On the other hand, the Vikings are never going to win the Super Bowl so that would almost be like rooting for the NFC version of the Chargers.


3. Calvin's Johnson

This is the guy who is number one on the Informer's list to replace Randy Moss which means this maybe the year the Informer becomes a full fledged Lions fan. Good news for the Informer is the Lions also signed Reggie Bush, one of the Informer's all-time favorite players.

This means if you become a Calvin Johnson fan Snige you will have plenty of reading material because the Informer tends to write a sh*t ton about Calvin's Johnson.

The bad news, you have to watch for Matthew Stafford. And the guy is hard to cheer for. The Informer is not lying, he is smug and his face is weird looking. The Informer really doesn't like him, but that is the price you pay to root for a 2,000 yard receiver.


2. RG3

Pros - He is a right handed version of Michael Vick, only slightly better. Which means you are going to have (fingers crossed) many years of Holy-Sh*t did he just do that moments. He has the highest high side and the Informer would highly recommend him. The Informer currently owns 21 RG3 rookie cards so he is a believer, but.....

Cons - He is coming off knee surgery for the second time (once in college).

He is the second coming and a right handed version of Mike Vick which means he is going to be injured alot.

This means you could be rooting for Kirk Cousins on a weekly basis while having to become an investor in dog fighting rings to help keep RG3 busy during his downtime.

You would be taking a huge risk.

Also you would then be a fan of the "Redskins" which in today's society is already frowned upon. Basically every time you walk into the bar some knuckle head know it all would give you the speech about how you and your team are racist. So you have to keep that in mind.

(But seriously watch that video again, the song is bad ass, but the highlights, my gosh RG3 you are da mandingo)


1. Camster Newton

You would be jumping on the bandwagon right before it is about to leave the station. Good news, you wouldn't look like a front runner because the Panthers sucked last year. The best part of rooting for Cam Newton is the NFL is about to become his league, mark my words.

Plus they have the cool turquoise uniforms that kinda resemble the Chargers Powder Blue jersey.

The downside to rooting for the Panthers is people don't like Cam Newton. They think he is arrogant and selfish and pouts on the sidelines.

Yet you can counter all those arguments by saying he is the only qb in NFL history (Until Luck Does It) that has thrown for over 4,000 yards in his first two NFL seasons. You can point out that his team sucks, yet he continues to carry them and keeps them in games and that it is only a matter of time before he becomes the face of the NFL... Nobody who knows the game will argue with you on that point.

Plus he is 6'5 with RG3 speed. Which means he does all the things RG3 does, only he wont get hurt because he is the size of a Mack Truck.

One other down side is the Panthers have a terrible head coach. And I do mean terrible.

They are frustrating as all hell to watch. But your a Chargers fan so you should be used to watching terrible coaches and frustrating teams.

Those are your options my friend, or you can suck it up and hope Phil Rivers regains his gunslinging (Could Happen) abilities that once made him one of the best QB's in all of football.

Dont forget you finally got a new coach this year, life as a Charger might not be so bad now that you don't have to endure Norv Turner.

Thanks again for your support of the blog Snige, And I hope this helps you and your wife find a new sick ass mother f-word to love.

Friday, March 29, 2013

"Drunken Ramblings"

When the wife is away, the Informer will play.

And in this case, the Informer will write a drunken ramblings blog that no one will be proud of.

In the spirit of debauchery, this blog is going to be sponsored by Direct Tv channel 589 which is currently showing "RAW INTERRACIAL RELATIONS".

I am not joking, this is what comes up on the Informer’s TV when he hits guide.  And in case you were wondering about the plot there is a description “10 multicultural beauties blur the barriers”

WHAT?

This is one of the channels on my direct tv package that can be accessed and viewed by anyone. Obviously to view the content the Informer would have to put down 15 dollars for four hours of video that believe it or not can be watched for free on this little thing called the internet, but the title and description are right there for anyone to read.

And that begs the question,  WHY IS THIS TITLE SHOWING UP ON MY TV GUIDE SCREEN AT ALL?

Believe it or not but the Informer has children and he does in fact try and protect them from things like "Squirting MILF Orgasms" yet there it is on my tv for anyone to accidentally stumble across.

In the words of the judge from Boston Legal, IT'S SHOCKING!!! (These are all real titles, The Informer could not even come up with this sh*t if he had to, Squirting MILF Orgasms, What the F*ck?)

Just saying, if your sitting at home on your couch do you all of the sudden get the urge to rent a 20 dollar porno because you see some provocative title on the screen?

"You know what Cowboy Buts do drive me nuts, I must order this right away."

Does anyone ever say that? Seriously, when the Informer is renting his movies that he reviews for www.alphaentertainmentoline.com he doesn’t want to see "Willing and Ready Party chicks" right next to Red Dawn.

Even worse when I rent a movie for the girls and my wife has to change the channel to 128 thinking she is going to get Scooby Do part 2 only she misses the button and gets channel 118 which happens to be "Debbie does Dallas Part V" Can you imagine having to answer that question, "What is Debbie Does Dallas? I thought we were watching Scooby Do.

So please explain why Direct TV couldn’t do something about this. Why can't they make a separate channel that just says "X RATED ADULT CONTENT" that way my daughters don’t accidentally stumble upon something they should not be reading about.

Like the Informer said, the wife is gone so this blog is fully uncensored and is really going to go nowhere. Do yourself a favor and just stop reading, in the words of the principle from Billy Madison,

"Informer this blog is the stupidest thing you have ever written, nowhere in your ramblings did you come close to writing what could be considered a coherent thought. I award you zero points and may god have mercy on your soul."

See what the Informer is talking about, just stop reading now and go place a wager with your buddies on the over under number of pizza rolls the Informer will eat while the blond bombshell is away. The line has been set at 74.#Take The Over

"Informer stop writing about X-rated Porno’s and give us a MLB preview. Do your job as a fake sports writer."

I am sorry fake reader, is the Informer's crusade to get things like "She Wants More Muff" off his TV screen so his daughters and his wife are not scarred for life boring you? Fine then we will play your little game and give you a Major League Baseball blog.

(Informer Note - I do enjoy pulling up the guide and reading these offensive titles and their descriptions to my wife while pretending to be Chirs Farley's character from SNL…Remember that scene where he is dressed as an old lady and reading the restaurants she would like to try to her husband Adam Sandler? And Sandler just sits there asking to be killed while Farley gets more and more absurd with each new restaurant? Well picture the Informer doing that to his wife  while she sits there mortified and shocked. . . O MY!!!!!)

Anyways, everyone take a drink and prepare to read about the Informer's MLB preview. Now since the Informer doesn’t know jack shit about baseball this year he is just going to go over his  team for the Playstation 3 game MLB the Show 13.

“Informer your really going to write a blog about your video game baseball team? Are you a f*cking moron? Who is going to read that?“

Listen fake reader the Informer doesn’t  play hours upon hours of MLB the Show using his super star lineup, some guys juiced some guys not, so that he cant tell you about his team.

Besides, who doesn’t want to read my theories on why A-Rod should be allowed to juice? This is blogging gold right here. As always the Informer has no idea if the guys names are spelled correctly so please keep that in mind when the Informer is trying to spell Strasburgh.

With out Freddy Adu, here is the Informer’s video game team, and why each guy is on the team. O and the Informer is also going to break down why he juiced some of his guys and not others.

Informer Note - You can juice the video game guys by editing their player skills to make them 99 overall, this way A-Rod is the A-Rod of old, hitting homeruns and taking shirtless pictures by the fountains because he is Roided out of his mind.

On this years team the Informer has seven guys on the juice. Josh Hamilton, Bryce Harper, the aforementioned A-rod, Albert PonannerJos, Stephen Starsburgh and Fransico Liriano.

To fully understand why each one was juiced let the Informer break down his roster one by one with the why they are on the team, and more importantly why they are juiced.


Josh Hamilton CF

The Informer had to put him on the juice because MLB the Show only made him a 90 overall. This is a guy who overcame a crack addiction to hit 27 straight home runs in an all-star derby contest and is currently the Informer's favorite baseball team, he should have been 104 overall.

So the Informer being the good fan that he is, made the necessary adjustments and Hamilton is on his way to a 50 home run 50 stolen base season and would be the MVP except. . .


Bryce Harper LF

What can the Informer say, steroids aka boosting a video game players stats, is a hell of a drug. And Mr. Harper being 20 years old has really responded well to the enhancement. Harper is currently on pace to break the all-time home run single season record.

The kid has the talent to be the next big thing and thanks to the Informer he now has the attributes as well. (Informer Note - Harper has 37 homeruns through 40 games, he is going to win the MVP)



Albert Ponannerjos

That would be Poo Nanner for those scoring at home. It is a word the Informer made up that refers to something of a sexual nature. The Informer's wife hates this word and actually punched the Informer in the face one-time when it was said in casual conversation.

With that said it is not the Informer's fault that the Angels first basemen’s name is Ponannerjos. Again the Informer is just the messenger.

Also the Informer juiced Albert but not to a full 99 overall, he made him a solid 96 overall, which means he is still the most feared hitter in baseball, but not the best player on the Informer's team.


Why are these guys shirtless?

A-Rod

But seriously look at this picture.

How great is that.

O and The Yankees Suck.====)

But in all truthfulness the Informer juiced A-Rod for one reason and one reason only, I want A-Rod to keep juicing and playing baseball in real life.

Listen the Informer has said this on more then one occasion but let me ask again, WHY IS IT A BAD THING TO HAVE OUR FAVORITE ATHLETES BEING AWESOME LATE INTO THEIR CAREERS?

I mean seriously, Arod is probably on the verge of retiring which means we will no longer get to watch him play. Why is everyone wanting this to happen?

How about Derek Jeter, he is going to retire soon, yet if everyone would pull their heads out of their asses and let Jeter start taking Jose Canseco level steroids he would actually probably be able to play and play at a high level for another 3-4 years.

Why would that be a bad thing?

Here is what we need to do, legalize the steroids and have doctors properly administrate them to the players and then everyone will be on the same level and we will not be forced to watch Kevin Youkilis play third base for the Yankees while Jeter and Arod watch from the bench because their bodies are breaking down.

KEEPING THE STARS ON THE FIELD LONGER IS A GOOD THING.

The real world maybe behind the times, but not the Informer and his fake team, cause A-rod has been juiced up and is now hitting home runs and stealing bases while playing gold glove shortstop like its 1999.

And the Informer loves it.


Stephen Starsburgh

The only reason Starsburgh has been juiced is because the Informer needs him to pitch in the postseason if the Angels are going to win the World Series this year.

And if a little juice can produce, then that is what the Informer will do. #Its only cheating if your not winning.


Fransico Liriano -

Liriano has been the Informer's favorite pitcher for the last five season of MLB the show. This year being no different as the Informer was able to trade some sh*tty pitcher for the rights to Liriano (Just like real life, video game Pittsburgh Pirates are really stupid). After that the Informer used two separate needles and now Liriano hasn’t given up a run in his last three starts.

If your scoring at home the Informer is 28 years old with four kids and a wife.


CF - Mike Trout

This is the first of the rest of the guys. These are going to be the all-stars on the team that the Informer has yet to juice. With that said, The Informer loves him someTrout and honestly the guy didnt need to be juiced, he is still my fourth best player. He is just naturally that good.


CF but plays 2nd base- Matt Kemp

The Informer's outfield has two twenty year olds and Josh Hamilton, there wasn't room for Matt kemp. Luckily the Informer was able to convince the young slugger to switch positions. He is now on pace to be an all-star starting 2nd basemen, that’s called being versatile.


3rd Base - Miggy Cabrara

The Informer has absolutely no idea in the blue hell how to spell this mans name. Last years triple crown winner deserves better.


Catcher - Joe Mauer

On this team purely out of respect to the Informer's buddy and wresting watching partner Josh. (Yes the Informer has a partner to watch grown men sweat and wrestle each other in their underwear. There is nothing weird about that.)


DH - Jose Bautista

Guys his power is legit even without being juiced by the Informer. He is currently second on the team in home-runs, only one behind Mr. Harper. The guy is a home run hitter.


The Bench - Mark Trumbo, Jayson Heyward, Howie Kendrick and Some catcher the Informer has never heard of.

Jayson Heyward needs to show the Informer more in real life before he becomes a starter on the fake play station team. As for the other guys, the Informer was to lazy to trade them, plus I have always liked that Trumbo guy.



The Pitching Staff -

Mariano Rivera, Tim Lincecum, Dave Price, Jerrod Weaver

There are some guys on the bench as well but these are your starters with Mo Rivera obviously closing the games out. Somehow even though my team averages 20 runs a game and my pitchers never give up runs Rivera has managed 8 saves through 40 games. I guess that’s why he is a legend.

There you have it.

The Informer just gave you an MLB preview. Strausburg will win the Cy Young, Harper the MVP and the Angels are going to win the world series.

Put that in your syringe and shoot it. . .

(Special Shout Out - This is the first year the Informer was not able to put Ken Griffey Jr on his team and make him the best player in the game. The Informer started out video game baseball back in 1993 with Ken Griffey Jr Baseball for Super Nintendo and has been using Griffey in every baseball game since that day. 20 years was a good run old man, thanks for the memories.)

Informer Note to the Special Shout Out - I am pretty sure last year was the first time Griffey was no longer on MLB the Show but at this point in time we should probably just let the Informer have his moment. He can be pretty unstable when it comes to his fake video game baseball team.


PS - Happy Jesus and the Easter Bunny Day. . .

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

"Red Dawn"

(Informer Note - This article originally appeared on www.alphaentertainmentonline.com. . . You could have read this awesome piece on Red Dawn over a week ago. Thats ok, read now and then make sure to check out www.alphaentertainmentonline.com for all your mma and movie reviews and wrestling and basically everything. Its a great site. As always thanks for reading and if this article makes you want to buy Red Dawn then please click on the amazon banner and buy through the Informer's site. Thanks)


What would you do if you woke up one morning and there were North Koreans falling out of the sky? What would you do if your girlfriend was kidnapped and put into an internment camp by those North Koreans. What would you do if your father was shot in the head because he told the North Koreans to kiss his American ass?

These are just a few of the questions that a group of eight young men and women are faced with when their quiet little town is overtaken in RED DAWN.

Red Dawn is a gut-wrenching coming of age tale about a rag-tag group of teenagers who wake up one morning to find out that their home is being aerially invaded by North Koreans. The invaders are taking hostages and killing civilians. Some how, this group of youngsters led by former marine, Jed Eckert (Chris Hemsworth), and his brother, Matt (Josh Peck), are able to avoid capture by escaping to the mountains in a 1984 ford truck.

Peace and tranquility in the woods doesn’t last long however, because shortly after their escape the North Koreans find the teenager’s hiding spot and burn it to the ground. Now the kids are on the run while being hunted like Tommy Lee Jones (Fugitive). It soon becomes clear that their only recourse is to stand up and fight. This is their home, and if they learn how to be soldiers… err Wolverines… they will be able to conquer the bad guys.

Add in the fact that Matt’s girlfriend Erica (Isabel Lucas) has been taken hostage and you know that the North Koreans are in for a war.

Once the Wolverines are finished with the montage training scenes (thus making them expert soldiers) they start using guerrilla warfare to kill a bunch of Koreans. Then three marines show up to help them fight, leading to the point where one of the kids shoots a bunch of people and yells “Wolverines!” from the top of a building.

Along the way we have some twists and turns in the action, all leading to the final climatic scene where our heroes are standing up and taking pride in being Americans.

The End.

As you can see, Red Dawn is a cinematic experience that any true red-blooded American can get behind. It doesn’t matter what part of the country you are from, in the end we are all Americans and we all believe that North Korea and Russia are evil. (At one point in the movie the Russians are called in to help the North Koreans, because you know, one evil super power was not enough.)

So, if you are scoring at home, you have American teenagers kicking not one but two evil asses. That alone should be enough to make you want to watch, but in case you need a little more convincing, here are ten reasons you don’t want to miss Red Dawn:

1. Red Dawn finally answers the age old question, what would it be like to wake up to thousands of North Koreans falling out of the sky with automatic weapons? Answer – It would be f**king scary as sh*t.

2. Maybe one of your friends has actually witnessed a North Korean dictator shoot his dad in the head because he was hiding in the woods. And maybe because of this you find it hard to understand what your buddy is going through, well Red Dawn can explain your buddies feelings.

3. If you and your friends have always wanted to form an elite group of teenage warriors known as the Wolverines and go to war to protect your home, this is the perfect movie to study.

4. Have you ever lost a big football game and think your life could not get any worse? Pop in Red Dawn and you may have a change of heart.

5. Lets say you and your buddies have been up late experimenting with the “Hippie Lettuce” and need something to entertain you that is not to hard to follow, well Red Dawn has no plot and sh*t blowing up. Perfect right?

6. If you enjoy a good love story, Red Dawn has two. And one of them turns out very Romeo and Juliet. That means tragically, because someone gets killed. Its a really big plot twist for a movie with no plot. But you definitely want to watch to find out. (Here is a hint- One of the main four characters gets shot in the end.)

7. Maybe you have been playing Call of Duty for 547-straight hours and are starting to think it would be cool to play this in real life, well watch Red Dawn. It is not as cool as you think.

8. Everyone can agree that the North Koreans are bad guys, but maybe you have always feared Russia just a little more. Red Dawn backs up your theory and proves once and for all that Ivan Drago and his comrades are not good people.

9. Have you ever had one of your buddies turn his back on you and get you into trouble? Maybe he lied about the nudy-magazines under your couch and got you in trouble with your parents? Maybe he told the girl you like that you have the STD known as Herpes? OR maybe, he got mad at you for stealing his gun so he tells the North Koreans where your hideout is? Well that bastard gets blown up in this movie and its freaking awesome.

10. WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Come on, If you loved the original Red Dawn you have to watch the remake. And if you don’t get chills at the climatic Wolverines chant then you have no soul.

Just remember, whatever reason you have for watching Red Dawn is your own, and nobody, not even the Russians, can take that away from you.

Now that we have covered Red Dawn being a cut and dry teenagers becoming soldiers and taking on the North Koreans action thriller, and that I loved every absurd second of it, we need to go over a few things that made no sense and almost ruined this movie.

Why are the North Koreans invading American, and how did they make it onto US soil without getting blown out of the air by the GI Joe’s?

Listen, it is not so far fetched to think that one American city could be taken over by sky diving Koreans, but it is a little hard to fathom that America wouldn’t send some kind of rescue slash counter strike. (Again why didn’t someone get the Rock on the phone and assemble the Joe’s? If you can’t tell I am highly excited for the new GI Joe movie)

Also, we have established that the Koreans invade America, but one thing they never talk about is why?
Was the Young Kim John (Editor’s Note: It’s Kim Jong Un) guy distraught over his meeting with Dennis Rodman? Were they trying to kidnap Justin Bieber? Was America weak because Obama took away our guns? Are the North Koreans pissed off that the lead singer from Hootie and the Blowfish remade and destroyed the classic song “Wagon Wheel?” Do the North Koreans even know who in the hell Hootie and the Blowfish are? For that matter, do North Koreans listen to country music? I don’t know, Hell, maybe they just wanted to try the new Doritos Cool Ranch Taco? I can’t tell you because the movie doesn’t tell us.

All we know is the Koreans invaded.

If you are wondering yes, I have lost sleep trying to figure this out. I have been trying to write this review for six days and all I keep thinking about is why? There has to be an answer. You don’t just invade a country for no reason. Right?

The other thing that does not make sense is why the North Koreans are chasing after the eight escaped teenagers in the first place. As the movie goes along you notice that only a handful of people were actually taken prisoner, the rest were allowed to live and walk about like normal as long as they went through check points.

So why in the hell were these eight kids, who were living in a bomb shelter, being hunted? It didn’t make sense.

“Informer, aren’t you the one who always says don’t question absurd action thrillers, just sit back and enjoy? Maybe you should take your own advice and realize the North Koreans are evil and will attack anyone at anytime and if they want to kill eight teenagers they will stop at nothing to do so.”

Well Mr. Fake reader, I am astonished.

You actually just added to the review in a positive way. And your right, if you are sitting down to enjoy this perfect movie that is sitting at 11% liked on Rotten Tomatoes, you probably shouldn’t be questioning silly things like plots or story-lines.

In the end, if you are looking for a movie with thrills, tears, joys and sorrows then Red Dawn is for you. If you want to see violence, death, triumph and brothers learning to respect each other in the name of tyranny, Red Dawn is for you. (Informer Note – I have no idea what the hell “Tyranny” means, but it sounded cool when the bad guy in “The Rock” rock says it so I am using it)

Mostly, if you are looking for a movie to make you forget about the debacle that was Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II, I would highly recommend watching the good old fashioned “American Awesomeness” that is Red Dawn.

WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

"Sunday Night March Maddness Review"

“Hey Informer are you done shaving your legs? Can we get a real sports blog out of you and not a sappy you having a midlife crisis over your fake website blog? Why don’t you finish up your French Cries, put your big boy pants on and quick being such a p*ssy.

We read your blog to be entertained at your drunken stupidest because it makes us feel better about our lives, we don’t care about your hopes and dreams. Grow the F up Peter Pan. PS- Grown ass men should not be crying on a nightly basis, so please stop it. . .”

Ummmmmm. . .

In that case, why don’t we do a little Sunday night review of the past weekend in the NCAA tournament of 64.

And no, The Informer does not call it the tournament of 68. It is the tournament of 64!

The play in game does not count as round one of the f*cking tournament. The tourney starts on  Thursday. And no it doesn’t matter that “La John Salley” made the sweet 16, the play in game still does not count as round one. It’s the play in game. Got IT? Okay Good. . .

The first thing the Informer needs to talk about is the Miami Hurricanes, and not because they are wearing the sweetest set of LA Gears the Informer has ever seen (Neon Shoes, Hot orange and Yellow), but because they made six straight free-throws down the stretch in a March Madness game.

College kids don’t do that. Not when the pressure is on the line.  They almost always miss at least one, which usually sets up the other team for a miracle shot to win the game.

Not Miami, they were given numerous chances to fold under the pressure and never did. If your wanting the Informer’s honest opinion, Miami has what it takes to win this tournament. And yes the Informer is making that judgment on six free throws.

I should point out that the Informer didn’t watch his first college basketball game until Thursday afternoon so his opinion is solely based on the last four days.

And you know what?

The Informer has three of his four Final Four teams left in his drunken bracket which proves his system of NCAA basketball watching actually works. Sorry guys your regular season and conference tournies don’t mean dick. All that matters is the Final 64.

The Informer fully expects to get hate mail for that last sentence.

“God Informer it must suck that you don’t have a favorite team to route for. Your life must be empty. Us Kansas fans know what it means to have team loyalty. You’re a loser.”

The Informer’s response is always the same, I am a North Carolina basketball fan, but guess what the fact that they played basketball in January didn’t f*cking matter.

You know what mattered, they lost on Sunday. That’s it. I watched em on Friday and deducted that they were not a very good team and probably wouldn’t go to far, but I still watched on Sunday hoping they would win. They didn’t. 

Now they are out and the Informer is going to root for Michigan and that Florida Gulf Coast teams, aka the funnest teams in basketball. And screw off, Funnest is to a word.

Speaking of the Flordia Gulf Coast Monkey Dunkers, has there ever been a more fun team?

 All they do is monkey dunk, talk sh*t and shoot threes. The Informer can’t wait to call into work on Friday so he can watch their next game in sweat pants. #The Gulf Coast Monkey Dunkers give the Informer a “Mike Seever’s Friend from Growing Pains” ##Boner In Sweat Pants!

The Informer needs to give a shout-out to that white dude from Ole Miss, you can ball homey. The Informer is going to poor a fifth of his 40 out for ya tonight. I don’t even know the dudes name, but he shot a lot and talked shit. The Informer loved him, can’t believe they lost to a chick with a mans name #La John Salley

The Informer does have a question, wasn’t Aaron Cross the guy from the New Bourne Identity movie? His name was Aaron Cross right? How did he go from being a cereal killer (The Informer spelled the breakfast food on purpose) to a 3-point assassin for Ohio State? Whatever the answer, that dude was cold blooded with that last second 3-point shot.

“Informer you do know his last name is Craft, not Cross. . . Right?”

Yea. . . The Informer new that. . .He was making a joke. That’s all, he didn’t totally think up the movie analogy before looking up the guys actual name. He new what he was doing.Scouts honor. . . You guys believe the Informer right? He didn't actually think the guys name was Aaron Cross. . .

Since everyone is thinking it, allow the Informer to say it, Thursday and Saturday you guys need to step your game up. Did you guys watch the games from Friday and Sunday? That is what the tournament is about. Excitement and close games. Not blow outs and boring basketball. Just keep that in mind this week K. . . Thanks.

Is it just the Informer or is there an abnormal amount of white people playing in this years tournament? Or is it always like this in college basketball? The Informer is not making a joke. Are there to many white people? Its an honest question. . . The Informer doesn't watch alot of College basketball, but he knows in the NBA we don't see all these white guys jumping under the rim for layups. Just saying.

Speaking of white people, how can Cherokee Parks play basketball for the Kansas Jayhawks. Didn’t he play four years at Duke? There is no way he should still have eligibility left but sure as shit there he was on Sunday dominating North Carolina like it was 1995 again. Gosh the Informer hates Cherokee Parks.





You Cant Tell me thats not the same guy?



















The Informer doesn’t hate all white people though, that McDreamy guy from Creighton was pretty freaking good. If he comes back for his senior year the Informer promises to watch one of your games live. . .

On tv that is. But still, not tape delayed or anything so its just like being at the stadium. But seriously, you are really good for a 6’7 white guy from Creighton. And yes the Informer just made a Grey’s Anatomy joke, you never know a chick could be reading this sucky blog.

“Hey Informer speaking of Sucking, thanks for your stupid ass picks. You suck. VCU in the Elite Eight?”

 In the Informer’s defense, none of his brackets are worth a sh*t. He has one that is in 14th place. There are only 12 people in the competition and the Informer somehow managed to get into 14th place. #Is that even possible?

Also remember how the Informer bragged to you earlier that he hadn’t watched a college basketball game until Thursday, well the Informer hadn’t watched a college basketball game until Thursday!

There are only two weeks left in the season, what did you expect from him? Good sound college basketball advice? The guy is a drunk NBA fan. He thought the Ohio State guard was the main character in a B-List action movie.

Here is a little piece of advice, when the Informer is drunk and yelling about college basketball probably just take it with a grain of cocaine. #Grain of cocaine would be so much more fun then salt right? Unless you eating French fries but that is a whole other hash tag that we don’t have time to get into. And yes the Informer just had the first ever run on question/sentence after a hash tag. We are breaking new ground here people. 

But other than not knowing a single thing about college basketball, the Informer still stands by his Ohio State, Michigan March Maddness Title game. Miami and Duke will be the other two teams joining in the reindeer games.

In fact why don’t we make the Sweet Sixteen Picks Tonight.

Sweet Sixteen Winners:

 Louisville, Duke, Ohio State, La John Salley, Miami, Indiana, Michigan and the Florida Gulf Coast Monkey Dunkers.

That is your Elite Eight. Mark it down.

The Informer is a touch drunk so its time to rap this blog up.




Get it? The Infomer said RAP this blog up and then put a Gangsta Rap video on?  That’s something you can’t get anywhere else. . .#It's All A Dream

See you all at the sweet 16. . .

BONUS NETFLIX RECOMMENDATION FOR THE WEEKEND - Louis C.K.: Live at the Beacon Theatre. . . Its hilarious

Saturday, March 23, 2013

"Jim Valvano and Never Giving Up"

The other day the Informer watched the extraordinary documentary from ESPN 30 for 30 Films called “Survive and Advance” It tells the story of the 1983 North Carolina State Men’s basketball team, led by legendary coach Jim Valvano, that won the National Championship. 

On its own the documentary would be a great story of underdogs coming together to share in an impossible dream of winning the Championship. But then there is also the backstory. The Part where their head coach died of cancer some 12 years later while becoming one of the legendary figures in the history of sports.

The reason the Informer is talking about this documentary is he wants all of his readers to watch “Survive and Advance.” Especially if you are one of the Informer’s readers who is a big dreamer and needs a little motivation.

Because lets face it having dreams can sometimes suck. Especially when your dream is not realized right away. (This Documentary will show you why you should keep persevering)

Believe it or not, but the Informer is a big dreamer. He hopes one day to be this generations Bill Simmons. He wants to be the guy who writes about sports from the fans perspective. He wants to be the guy who makes fun of the players and teams he hates while giving his readers something interesting to read. (That reminds me did you guys know that the Iowa Hawkeye’s football team has lost to the Nebraska Cornhuskers two years in a row)

Most of all the Informer wants to one day make a living from being a writer. Right now the Informer writes all of these blogs for pennies on the dollar and that is ok, because he is doing what he loves. (The Informer has made 48 dollars in the two years that Amazon has been sponsored on his site, so thanks to all the readers who buy stuff through amazon, the informer and his football cards appreciate it.)

The Informer is not talking about this to give sour grapes, he is bringing this up to let all of his 5 readers know that the Informer does this because he enjoys putting together a story. The Informer loves the process of sitting down and putting his mind to use to bring you an informative and entertaining piece of writing.

Is it the greatest thing you will ever read, maybe? Is it the best written blog from a grammatical sense, hell no!

But one thing you can say without a doubt is the Informer will share his vast wealth of knowledge on all things sports and entertainment while trying to bring you an interesting read.  You see, the Informer reads everything there is on the internet. He watches every sports show, movie, tv show, reads the magazines and follows skip bayless on twitter. If there is a cool story the Informer has read about it. And he uses that knowldege in his spare time to put together 5,000 word blogs.

I assure you it is not easy to put together 5,000 word blogs consistently, but that is what the Informer tries to do. Because he thinks he is putting out a good product and he believes what he is writing is worth your time.

Not everyone agrees and that is fine, my father has never read one of my blogs. It happens some people are not readers, let alone 5,000 word blogs on prison rape. The Informer does not begrudge those who do not enjoy, he is not for everyone. Again this blog is here to entertain those that want to be entertained. If that is not your cup of tea, fine. You can't ruin my dream.

Sorry, the Informer is getting off pace, what he is trying to say is that he does all of this because he has a dream. And Jim Valvano said in his documentary that everyone should have dreams and that no matter what you do never give up on that dream . The Informer is not going to give up, If ten people are still reading the Informer is going to keep putting out a product. He has to. The Dream has to stay alive.

Sadly, the worst thing about having a dream is having the people who laugh at your dream. And the point that Valvano is always preaching to his teams was to not let anyone tell you your dream is impossible. The Informer has had those people who have shit on his dream and there have been a couple of times where the Informer has almost given up. Luckily for the Informer he has a few good fans who keep giving the Informer a reason to go back to the well.

(Informer Note - I have recently applied for a few writing jobs that are highly implausible for the Informer to get, but he is taking his chances and two of the sites have expressed a small level of interest. Which means we are getting closer. Also for those that haven’t been following www.alphaentertainmentonline.com actually publishes the Informer’s wrestling and movie reviews. So yes the dream of actually being published has been realized, now we need to keep this going and turn it into a full fledged career)

Wrapping up this little session the Informer wants to thank all of those who have taken the time to read. Everyone who comes to the site and buys through amazon the Informer loves you. For all of the people on face book and twitter that still follow me or @theinformer thank you.

Trust me, I know that me constantly promoting my writings is annoying (The Informer has been befriended many a face book times) but it has to be done. I need to share my stuff and I need my readers to also share it. If you like the product that is being put out on this site or www.alphaentertainmentonline.com please tell your friends. Tell you doctors, tell your dogs twin brother, tell your baby sisters third cousin Tom from Myspace, every set of eyes helps me get closer to the dream.

Basically the Informer is doing his best politician right now. The more eyes the marrying and the Informer promises to keep plugging away. He promises to keep making the same BISP joke week after week, he promises to keep writing run on sentences that would make his second grade English teacher cry.

True Story - The Informer took and aced two English classes his senior year of high school, two more his freshman year of college and then actually passed a semi large number of football players who struggled with freshman English at the Informer’s college. (The Informer could write a two page paper in 20 minutes, get the football player an A and then the Informer would get a bottle of vodka. I would call that a well spent 50,000 dollar investment) And don’t forget the Informer was a sports editor for the college paper for a little over two years.

And despite all of that learning and teaching he still doesn’t know how to write a proper sentence. That alone should be enough to want to read this blog. . . Random Billy Madison Quote “That’s the Informer, he is retarded or something”

Now in the Informer’s defense of his semi poorly edited 5,000 word blogs. . . I have four little girls a wife and a full time job. Something’s gotta give, and in the Informer’s case it is proper grammar. And yes the Informer has lost readers for this, but my point would be the Informer really does try and make each post grammatically correct. He tries to find all of the spelling errors, but no matter how much the Informer proof reads he can never find all of the mistakes.

That’s okay though, the Informer is not embarrassed to say that he makes mistakes, that is what this blog is all about. They say practice makes perfect. So the Informer is going to keep practicing until he writes the perfect blog. If there are mistakes fill free to leave comments at the bottom of the page and call the Informer out, if that’s your thing, because it will make the blog better.

“Informer do you ever think that if you weren’t ten beers deep and talking to the imaginary voice in your head that maybe you would be able to do a better job of proof-reading?’

You see what the Informer means, you guys leaving comments makes the blog better. I just wish that guy would have left his name. #He don’t have a name cause he is a figment of the Informer’s imagination.

In closing the Informer is going to share one last story.

Two weeks ago he went to a comedy show featuring the Informer’s old buddy and former Wayne Stater Co-Sports Editor Patrick Janssen. Pat was doing a live show in Omaha Nebraska along with another comedian named Glen Tickle. The only problem is there was some bad weather and the crowd for a Monday night was small. (9 People Showed UP). But as they say the show must go on.

And did the show go on!

It was phenomenal. They were great, the show was great. Hell even the nine members of the crowd were pretty great. The laughs were easy to come by because the performers were so so good. The Informer for one can’t wait for the next time they come to the Midwest, I will be sitting back row. (The Informer hates the front row)

Anyways, after the show I got to hang out and talk to the guys and my main question was “How did you still perform when only 9 people. Was it hard? Do you do it a lot? That had to suck?

The answer of course it sucks, but it is still a chance to perform. A chance to perfect their craft. Make it better. And at the end of the day as long as there is a stage the show must and will go on. For the 9 of us in the crowd that night we were the lucky ones, because the show was tremendous.

It also inspired the Informer. It was inpsiring becasue every week the Informer tries to write something he thinks is worth spending time on and sometimes it gets a lot of eyes and sometimes no one reads. The Informer likes to brag that in the last two years he has had over 10,000 page views, not a world record but trending up. Even with those some of the Informer's blogs go unnoticed, and that is frustrating, but thanks to two up and coming comedians the Informer has a new perspective.

As long as the Informer has a stage to write the show must and will go on.

So from here on out the Informer is sorry for flooding your face book feeds. He is sorry if you are annoyed with my twitter account. He is sorry if you get random text message with email attached saying read my latest blog.

Its going to continue, because the Informer must perform. Because the Informer has a dream and he is going to keep dreaming no matter how hard or unattainable that dream is.

In the words of Jim Valvano:

“Don’t give up. . . Don’t ever give up.”



Thursday, March 21, 2013

"March Maddness Blunder"

The Informer needs to bitch about his bracket. Yes I am going to be that guy. Not because my bracket is busted, no because I filled out my two brackets and handed them into the wrong freaking league.

Let me explain.

One of the Informer’s buddies set up an office pool league for this years NCAA Mens Tournament that will pay the winner a little over two hundred fake dollars, you know if office pools were legal. (In our case everyone put in 10 monopoly money dollars per entry)

So the Informer doing what the Informer does, sat down on Monday night and started heavily drinking the Natties, getting all the inspiration he needed and picked the perfect bracket. The Informer hit save and then went to his room and passed out.

The next day when the Informer awoke from his stupor he found what you would expect, a horribly filled out bracket. Nobody would pick Akron over VCU, come on man! Lesson as always, a drunken Informer is a retarded Informer.

So the Informer made the necessary changes, got VCU advancing to the Elite 8, changed a couple of other picks and then for fun filled out a second bracket to enter into the office pool. (The Informer also entered one of these brackets into a CBS pool to win a one million dollar challenge.)

At this point everything is going according to plan. The Informer watched all day Thursday as every team in his two brackets started winning. In fact at one point the Informer only had one loss (Witchita Sate). The Brackets were looking good.

The Informer kept checking the standings and his brackets were one and two in the league. This is where the Informer started to ask questions, because he couldn’t look at any of the other players brackets. The league showed full, but only the Informer’s brackets were coming up.

It was odd, but like I said, the Informer had picked 11 of the first 12 games correct. There was no complaining from this guy.

Fast forward to the end of the work night and my buddy came in and said that the Informer only had one bracket. And it was sitting in about 8th place. The Informer looked his buddy square in the eye and said “My bracket is on pace for 14 wins (Missouri at this point turned out to be a LOSER), my ass I am in eighth place. You’re a f*cking Liar!”. . .   The Informer does not take kindly to his bracket being called mediocre.

My buddy calmly pulled up the standings and sure as shit the Informer’s bracket was in the middle of the pack. In fact after New Mexico lost the Informer’s bracket was damn near in last. This didn’t make sense, I could clearly look on my phone and see my two brackets, one went 12-4 one was 13-3. Where were you getting this 9-7 bracket from?

(Fill free to have a good laugh at the Informer going a very mediocre 9-7 once again..#Its football season all over.)

Here is where the fun part begins.

Remember this is CBSsports.com. Officially the Informer’s most hated f*cking website for fantasy sports.

If you don’t remember the debacle that was fantasy football from two years ago let me remind you, the Informer would set a lineup each week, win his match up only to get an email from CBS telling him his lineup was illegal and thus he forfeited. 

This happened six straight weeks. I am not lying, the Informer was on the verge of committing a crime of passion against Cbssports.com. Before you call the Informer a moron for not knowing how to set a proper lineup I would like to point out that each f*cking week the site would say “Yes your lineup is valid” only to kick me square in the dick on Sundays with some email claiming it was now invalid. Your welcome for my 50 dollars you f*cking pricks. Someone change the subject the Informer is having a Nam like flashback. . . F*CK YOU CBSSPORTS.COM

Sorry where was the Informer?

That’s right, this years bracket debacle, well it turns out that cbssports went ahead and entered the Informer’s two brackets into last years contest.

You see, this is the second year my group of friends made a fake bracket challenge only instead of putting the Informer‘s brackets into this years challenge they went ahead and put it in last years group. That is why the Informer was first and second because he was the only f*cking person that filled out brackets for the 2012 bracket challenge.

Yes you read that right, they entered my brackets (I entered my brackets) into the 2012  f*cking challenge.How does that even happen? Why is there even an option to enter brackets into last years challenge? Again, F*ck cbs sports. The Informer is never again going to your site. Unless my application is accepted and you hire the Informer. In that case forget I mentioned anything.

As for this years challenge, the only bracket the Informer got entered was the one he filled out when he was hammered drunk, which naturally went 9-7. So thanks CBS I didn’t want that ten dollars anyways.

Once again, this cant be said enough, the Informer is a f*cking moron.

As you can see the Informer is not very happy with how this years March Maddness has turned out. But just to be a good sport, and to show everyone who unlucky and stupid the Informer’s luck is when coming to gambling, The Informer is going to give you my winners from my two brackets that have been filled out and now mean sh*t.

Because the Informer is giving a “Schnepels  Guarantee” that these two brackets are going to go perfect from here on out. Which means I would have had a chance to win one million dollars, instead the only bracket the Informer is playing with is sitting at 9-7.

I guess it could be worse, I could be New Mexico.

“How Do You Like Dem Apples” #Get it cause Harvard beat them, and I in turn used a line from the movie Good Will Hunting that is associated with Harvard? It makes sense right? Cause Damon is wicked Smart. . .

Anyways, which means the Informer is not very happy right now please shut the pie holes and let me finish the blog, here are the rest of the Informer’s pick, BET THEM HEAVILY YOU WILL BE HAPPY:

The Informer’s Lost Bracket One:

Friday Winners:

Kansas, North Carolina, Florida, Minnesota, Oklahoma, Georgetown, Indiana, NC STATE, Colorado, Miami, Ohio State, Ames Iowa, La Salle, Wisconsin, Creighton and Duke

Saturday Winners:

VCU, Syracuse, Butler, New Mexico (Loss), Gonzaga, Michigan State, Saint Louie, Louisville

Sunday Winners:

Kansas, Florida, Georgetown, Indiana, Miami, Ohio State, Wisconsin, Duke


The Informer’s Lost Bracket Two:

Ok so the Informer just went through his second lost bracket and it sucked, so we are not going to rehash that one (Turns Out UNLV and New Mexico were making deep runs).

But I think you can see the Informer’s point, he has one bracket that is probably the best bracket ever filled out and it is not going to be used for anything. So please degenerates, call them fake bookies and start making some money off of the Informer’s misery.

And if you don’t believe that the Informer’s luck is so sh*tty that a bracket will end of being perfect because the Informer can’t use it then let me tell you a little gambling story.

About a month and a half ago the Informer decided to take a break from fake gambling. He had hit a streak of misses (Damn You 49ers, a touchdown changes everything) and decided it was time to cool down.

In fact his plan to bet every Miami Heat money line (Just to win) was not a great investment because the Miami Heat were just not a consistent enough team to make money off their money line. So the Informer hung up his pen and gambling sheet.

Some 40 days later the Miami Heat money line has hit 24 straight times. Yes the second longest and most consistent effort in NBA history. The Informer has not made one money line bet in that time. But he was there when the Heat lost back to back games to the Pistons and the Milwaukee Bucks.

YOU SERIOUSLY COULDN’T MAKE THIS SH*T UP IF YOU HAD TO.

If you wanted to do the math, if the Informer had been putting his normal money line bet on the Heat in the last 24 games he would currently be up over 5,000 dollars, instead the Informer just bought a six pack of Natties with dimes and nickels.

So enjoy the Informer’s free picks, maybe you can make some money with them. And with that, we are off and running

#MARCH MADDNESS.




(Informer Random Natural Light Note - Did you know that Natties are the fifth most sold beer in the United States? This is no shit, Bud Light is #1, Coors Light is 2, Budweiser 3, Miller Light 4 and Natural Light Five. . .Thats a cool stat that you can't get anywhere else but here. And adamcarolla.com where the Informer heard it on his podcast, but you get the point. . . That is why the Informer is the Informer.)



Sunday, March 17, 2013

CM PUNK

This week on our Road to Wrestlemania we are watching “CM Punk. . . Best In The World”

Before we watch the DVD I need to make a wrestling confession,  I do not like CM Punk. I am a John Cena fan. I am a Dolph Ziggler fan. I am a Daniel Bryan fan. I am lukewarm at best on CM Punk.

The only reason I am watching this DVD is because my buddy,  whose wrestling opinion is like gospel said,  “You have to watch the Punk DVD. It is great.”

Great?

Really?

CM PUNK?

I honestly don’t see it. But like I said, my buddy’s wrestling recommendations are rarely, if ever, wrong. So I asked him the important question that would define whether or not “Best In the World” could be great, “Was it matches or interviews?”

You see that the WWE has two types of wrestling DVD’s.

They have the ones with interviews where the wrestlers talk about back stage and behind the scenes stories. These are the DVD’s where never before truths and details are talked about. Where the proverbial 4th wall is broken.

(For those new to wrestling speak,  the 4th Wall refers to the fact that Wrestlers always stay in character. Yes, most of us know that wrestling is scripted, but the fans don’t want to see John Cena and CM Punk eating dinner together at an Arby’s. It also refers to the fact that even though the matches maybe pre-determined we the fans don’t know the outcome.)

During the Interview DVDs, the wrestlers break that 4th wall by giving us details on the backstage workings. They tell us why certain things happened, or why Bret Hart was screwed. Things that normal fans don’t get to see. It’s a backstage press pass into the world of pro wrestling.

Then you have the DVD’s that don’t do any of this and just show us the careers of guys through their matches. They have no new information or insight, just the old matches we have already seen multiple times.
I am not a fan of the latter. I don’t need to re-watch Hogan vs. Piper at Halloween Havoc. I do however want the details on what led up to this match. Why did WCW bring in Piper? What did Hogan think about it. You know,  “THE BACKSTAGE GOSSIP.”

(Informer Note – If my memory serves me correct Hogan and Piper never actually wrestled at Halloween Havoc, that was the pay-per view that Piper came back and challenged Hogan for the next pay-per view. Not sure why I am telling you all this, but I felt like it needed to be said)

So in order for my buddy to be correct in his assessment of the Punk DVD it had to be interviews. The good news,  it is. That’s when I asked the next question, “Is it better then Shawn?”

This is a loaded question for those that don’t know the Informer, let me explain. . .

I am a wrestling nerd. I love watching the DVDs, reading the books, checking the internet cheat sheets.
Heck my home page on my computer is JR’s BBQ Blog. I am what you call a full fledged WWE GEEK. What can I say, it is my favorite men wrestling each other in underwear Soap Opera. And when talking about my soap opera and telling people what they must watch,  I have one gold standard.

The Shawn Michaels Story. . .

A sit down tell-all DVD of Michael’s long and illustrious Hall-Of-Fame career.  The DVD goes through his entire life while interviewing different people along the way. It is to this day the best WWE DVD I have watched.  (I really hate to be that guy, but the book was actually better than the movie)

Shawn’s story has the great insight about backstage HBK (Heart Break Kid). It talks about how he and Triple H actually knew what was happening during the Montreal screw job. It talks about HBK wrestling with a broken back at Wrestlemania before retiring for the first time. The Michael’s Story has everything, all the dirt and backstage details that a maniac fan could ask for and then some.

That is why I watch “Heartbreak and Triumph” at least five times a year.

The only problem is the “HBK DVD” came out in 2007, meaning I have been waiting for another DVD to reach its level for six long years. Don’t get me wrong, The WWE has had some good ones, including Edge, Y2J, Rowdy Piper and Ric Flair. But for every good one they have to put out the crap ones like Hogan and Undertaker (All Matches).

Maybe the WWE has yet to find a guy whose story translated onto DVD better then Shawn Michaels and that’s why all of the DVD‘s fail in comparison, I don’t know. Most likely it is because he is the greatest wrestler of all-time so obviously his DVD would be the greatest? Again I don’t have the answers.
So when my buddy answered, “I don’t know if its better, but its close, you definitely need to review it for your Road To Wrestlemania.” He got my attention.

For Undertaker’s sake (That is a Tebow of Wrestling joke), my buddy just said he didn’t know which one was better?

Is there really a question? Could Punk’s DVD actually be better?

Needless to say, with a recommendation like that,  I  am going into this DVD with numerous question while expecting greatness.

Hell, I am expecting “THE BEST IN THE WORLD”

***********************************************************

First of all, WOW. . .

My buddy was not lying.

The CM PUNK DVD is the second best DVD the WWE has ever produced. (You didn’t think I would actually say it was better then Shawn did you? Grow up Peter Pan!)

Punk did something I didn’t think was possible, he made me question whether it was the best ever. Which kind of fits since Punk keeps telling everyone that he is the best in the world. (Truth be told he maybe right.)
Here is how good the DVD was, if you remember at the beginning I said I was not a CM Punk fan. Yes, I respected that he put on great matches and that he was a good champion, but I never connected with him. I was rooting for Cena in everyone of their matches. I would rather have Ziggler be the Champion. Daniel Bryan makes me laugh more. Punk was there, and the Champion, but I never really cared about him.

After watching this DVD, I am Punk fan #1. I am not kidding. Punk has turned my opinion on him 103% percent. That is how good CM PUNK “Best in The World” is.

Really Informer?

You are Punk’s number one fan after watching? That sounds a little over the top don’t ya think?  What is it about the Punk story that made it such a great DVD that he is now your favorite wrestler?”

Glad you asked figment of my imagination, the first thing is Punk is like any of us who are fighting for their dream. Despite his tattoos and the straight edge society, aka being different to the mainstream, Punk is an everyman whose hard work and dedication got him to the top. I think most people can relate to that.

Second, his story and the way he told it on the DVD felt real. It didn’t feel like he was saying things to back up his character. I promise this is not the case on all of these WWE DVDs. He was telling us the god’s honest truth, which always leads to compelling TV especially when it comes to back stage dirt on Pro Wrestling.

Take for example the re-telling of how he was still unsigned by WWE until four hours before the match in Chicago back in 2011 when he took the belt and went home.

If you guys don’t remember, two years ago Punk was a “Free Agent” and was not going to sign back with WWE. During this time they started a Punk storyline where he came out and gave one of those rare (Its real) interviews. The interview let Punk call out everything he didn’t like about the WWE. It also started the best storyline the WWE has had in the past 10 years. When Punk beat John Cena in Chicago and then seemingly left the WWE and took the belt with him?

In the DVD Punk re-tells this whole story. He talks about how he was fed up with how is character was being pushed and he no longer wanted to wrestler for WWE. Punk talks about how he was re-signed four hours before the match with Cena. A match that led to Punk not showing up on TV for two weeks since he was still “Unsigned” and thus the WWE had no champion. It was great television.

So not only does the DVD have a great backstage story that I had not known before, but it also had Punk being honest about what took place instead of saying “No, I left the WWE the Champion ’cause I beat Cena and then I resigned later.”

Do you see what I mean?

In character Punk would have said that and us watching the DVD at home would have smiled and nodded with a wink to the camera never knowing what actually took place. Instead Punk broke the 4th wall and let us know what really took place. It is who he is. No bullshit, just the truth and if you don’t like it I got news for ya, he doesn’t care.

That is why I can’t recommend CM Punk’s Best In The World Enough!  He is a great story. Best In The World was so good it turned me into a CM Punk fan. It was so good I am giving up the booze and going straight edge. (Ok, so I made that last part up, but you get the idea)

Just in case you still don’t believe me, I made a top 10 favorite things about the DVD:

1. Punk’s honesty when he is talking about his childhood.

Lets just say there is a reason he is straight edge and doesn’t drink. And if I were being honest, I would have to mention that while watching after one to many grown up orange juices,  there may have been some tears. (In my defense as a man, my wife did mention that she forgot to dust this past week)

2.  The Punk vs. John Cena Match in Chicago –

I think many people forget this now, but the two put on the best match in the history of WWE. I am not making that up. I actually remember watching live and sitting on pins and needles because nobody had any idea what was going to transpire. That does not happen very often in “Internet Era Wrestling.” CM PUNK made that happen in 2011, that’s how good he is.

3. Ring Of Honor and Colt Cabaña –

I know very little about Ring Of Honor, and even less about Colt Cabaña,  but by all accounts they are both must watch wrestling. Quick question, Cabana spells his name with one of those weird thingy’s above the “N” right? If he doesn’t he really should. Don’t you guys think it makes the name look really cool? If you couldn’t tell I am drunk, maybe we should just move on.

4. His Friendship with Paul Heyman –

Did you know this is actually true. Paul Heyman was one of the first guys in WWE trying to tell everyone that Punk was a star. In fact Heyman talks about how it was probably his fault that Punk didn’t get a faster push because at the time people didn’t really value Paul’s judgment. This is one of my favorite parts of the DVD.

5. Earning Undertakers Respect –

 This is a big one for me. During the Michael’s book they talk about the moment when he and Marty Janetty met Andre the Giant. They said back then that getting Andre’s respect was the only thing that mattered. Later on in the book they talk about how that role was now the Undertakers. So the fact that Punk takes the time to explain that he had to wrestle his ass of to earn Taker’s respect is something I enjoyed. (And this is also leading to Punk vs. Undertaker at this years Wrestlemania. I assure you its happening)

6. The reason that Punk re-signed with the WWE is because he wanted to change it for the better and he couldn’t do that sitting on his couch. Well, two years later he became the longest running champ in modern day wrestling. Not sure if he changed anything, but he made wrestling better.

7. CM Punk started out as a nobody, doing backyard wrestling and went all the way to the top. This is important because The Informer has started out as a nobody doing back yard blogging and is still trying to make it to the top.

Punk gives guys like me hope that one day the dream can be achieved. Pay your dues, respect the business and work hard. Yes that is my horrendous attempt at motivation,  but it doesn’t make it any less true.

8. The Straight Edge Society – Such a great group. The guys were nobodies, but man they were hated. I also forgot how much I enjoyed them. They made me laugh.

9. Punk makes you feel like it is real – This is the best compliment a person can give a wrestler. They make the story lines feel like they are real and not scripted. That’s why that night in Chicago was so special, none of us new what in the hell was going to happen.

10. CM Punk’s “SHOOT Interview” –

Youtube “CM Punk’s Shoot Interview” sometime. There have been a few wrestling interviews that have changed the business, this is one of them. And this is the number one reason why Punk is the man. He tells it like it is.

Bonus Like – He wears the Macho Man Randy Savage’s Pink trunks with the stars on them from Wrestlemania five, what else do you want?

Over the years many have claimed to be the best.

Ric Flair said “To be the man you have to beat the man,” he was the man. Brett Hart claimed “I am the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.” Owen Hart reminded everyone “I am not a nugget.” And today we have CM Punk.

In the end in order to say your the best you have to be respected as the best. Many claim it, few deserve it.
After watching the DVD I fully believe that not only does Cm Punk say he is the best, not only do many believe he is the best,  but judging by his track record he actually deserves to be called . . .

“The Best In The World.”

Monday, March 11, 2013

"Twilight Breaking Dawn Part Deux"

(Hey guys remember this article actually ran a week ago at www.alphaentertainmentonline.com check out the site for all your movie book mma and prowrestling needs and wants. . . Its a bad ass site check it out. . . And enjoy Twilight)

Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II is the fifth installment of the franchise that follows young human Bella and her vampire boyfriend Edward through a tumultuous love affair.

In Part Two. Bella has given birth to a baby and been transformed into a full-fledged vampire.

We follow along as Bella’s world has been changed, so she is trying to adapt to her  new life.

Along the way we find out that Bella’s friend Jacob, who can turn into a wolf, is also dealing with his new life assignment of protecting her daughter. It’s a wolf thing, don’t ask.

“Informer, what in the hell are you doing?”

A straight foreword movie review of Twilight Breaking Dawn part 2. What does it look like?

“Your joking right?”

In a word, Yeah! Of course I am joking.

Listen, instead of trying to give some coherent review about “Breaking Down Part II” (Impossible) I am just going to give you the rambling thoughts I had while watching. I apologize ahead of time, there is no rhyme or reason for a ramblings article.\

Things The Informer Thought While Watching Breaking Dawn Part II:

I was a little nervous going into this viewing, because I had only watched  two of the twelve Twilight movies, but since this was Breaking Dawn Part II, I figured I would be able to catch up when they did their “Previously on Breaking Dawn Montage.”

You guys remember those from shows like The OC and Beverly Hills 90210 right?. . Teen Dramas always catch you up with a “Previously On Montage.”

So you could imagine my surprise when Breaking Dawn decided to skip the montage and go straight into Bella Brooding. Apparently the “Previously On” montage guy was on vacation they year they made Part II.
The good news, Bella’s brooding didn’t last long (don’t worry it comes back later) because she is now a full fledged vampire. Of course this means her and Edward can have unlimited sex. Not kidding, the first thirty minutes of the movie is them talking about Vampire Sex.


When I mentioned this to my imaginary wife, she got mad because she thought I wanted to watch a Kristin Stewart sex tape. . .  I did what any good husband would do in this situation, I started talking about Taylor Lautner taking his shirt off.

Five minutes later, Lautner was putting the moves on Bella’s dad by stripping naked and turning into a wolf. Now, I am not sure what kind of fetishes you guys are into, but Lautner taking his shirt off and turning into a wolf is slowly climbing my charts. Wait. . . That’s not right.

Moving on, can someone explain to me the obsession with hand-holding in the Twilight world? The whole movie was people going around and holding hands. It was freaking weird? Is hand-holding a Vampire thing? Can someone clarify this for me?

Speaking of weird, the CGI baby was creepy. They say no babies are ugly, well that is not true. Sorry to Bella and Edward, your ugly fake baby that grows up to date your best buddy has no alibi. . .  SHE UGLY!
Ok, I am not saying Twilight was the greatest movie ever, but anytime your climatic scene is Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart having a starring contest you know you have cinematic gold on your hands.

Add in the arm wrestling scene where Bella kicks some dudes ass and then celebrates by punching a volcanic rock, well you are on the right track to having the best movie ever made. I am not joking, vampire arm wrestling.

Informer Note – Being a self proclaimed former professional arm wrestler, I loved watching Bella and her perfect homage to Sly Stallone in “Over the Top”.

Speaking of getting your head ripped off, there is a part where the bad guy kills the Cullen’s dad (The Good Guys) by ripping his head off. It actually had me and my wife up in arms. What a twist. Unfortunately, it turns out that was not the twist,  because the climatic fight scene is only  a vision and doesn’t really happen.

Oh, I am sorry, did I spoil the movie? You’re Welcome.

Anyways, which means quiet down the Informer is brooding, the final scene doesn’t actually happen.

They pull a “Who Shot JR” moment and turn it into a dream sequence. Honestly, my wife hasn’t been this disappointed since our wedding night… Easy guys, I meant because the chicken got over cooked, get your heads out of the gutter.

(For those that don’t remember the 1980’s show Dallas, they had a season that finished with their main character being shot. . . Only when the show got picked up for a new season they had to change the story line so they turned it into a Patrick Duffy dream. I am not making that up, Patrick Duffy was actually in another TV shows besides “Step by Step” who new right? Also for those wondering, Brooding is where you make a face like your really upset and or concentrating really hard while being constipated. Now that we are all on the same page this mid article thought can stop. )

But seriously, who in the blue hell makes the final climatic ending to an “18 Movie Series” a dream sequence. I felt a little like Andy after he spent two years with the sisters. . . AKA Violated.

Then again, since I didn’t actually watch all 34 chapters of the Twilight series it wasn’t that bad for me, but there has to be some pretty upset teenage girls out there.

My other complaint is how did Twilight go from being 90210 with vampires to Kristen Stewart brooding and Dakota Fanning Starring at me until I am uncomfortable?

You do have to give Stewart credit though, she should have been given an Oscar for her performance as the worst actress of all-time. She pulled out all the stops. Between brooding and giving terrible lines, it was awe-inspiring to see someone so dedicated to their role as the worst actress in the history of vampire and teenage dramas.

Somewhere Shannon Doherty is sitting at home yelling at her TV “I’m the moody teenage girl who can’t act or tan dammit.”

Did I mention that Bella’s daughter grows up to date Jacob?

We know this because at the end they have a flash forward to the future montage. So for those scoring at home we know what is going to happen in the next Twilight movie, but they couldn’t give us a freaking refresher montage?

For the love of Dracula, the movie was 118 minutes long, there could have been one gosh damn here is what you missed montage? Did we really need the four minute scene of Edward playing the piano. Just saying, next time skip the piano and give me the montage.

I apologize, I really cant get over the montage thing, but I bet if you asked all of the Twilight feigns out there they would agree with me.

As long as we are asking questions,  how in the blue hell do you spell FEEN? Is it Fein? Phene? Phien? I really have no idea? Hold on let me brood for a second maybe ill figure it out.

Thanks to some major BROODING, and Google search of “Crack Feen” I found out it is spelled FIEND. Now that we got that covered lets get back to Dakota Fanning staring at me awkwardly.

She has no lines in the movie. She just stares at you. I kept waiting for her to tell me she sees dead people. . .  Whats that? Wrong childhood star? Sorry I may have been over served tonight.

Speaking of being drunk, I highly recommend you try and watch this movie sober. I took the challenge and lasted a full seven minutes, all the way to the point where Bella is going to eat a human and Edward stops her so she jumps off a cliff.

At that point I handed my wife the car keys and opened the Natties. No, I wasn’t planning on drunk driving, I gave my wife the car keys so I would not drive off a cliff. . . (Yes that is a “This Movie Was So Bad It Made Me Want To Drive Off A Cliff Joke”)

“Informer are you really going to just make random bad jokes for this entire article? Its called a movie review? Do your job you bum. Breaking Dawn Part II is a love story everyone can relate to”
Wow figment of my imagination, I think you may need counseling. First you want the jokes, now you want the review. Could you please make up your mind?

But ok, let me give you a quick rundown of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II. . .

Bella and Edward have a child but in order for Bella to live she was turned into a vampire by Edward.
Since she is now a vampire their old enemy who is now their buddy, the shirtless wolfman, has been sent to protect the child that other Vampires think maybe a Lucifer baby.

Then the bad guy vampires come to fight the good guy vampires, who are getting help from the wolf people. Before they can fight however, one of the good chicks holds hands with the bad guy who then dreams a vision where he dies so the bad guys decide to retreat.

Bella and Edward live happily ever after while their daughter grows up to fall in love with the shirtless wolfman.

That pretty much covers it.

Here are the five best parts of Twilight:

1. The stare down between Bella and Dakota Fanning.

I was on the edge of my seat because it’s a well known fact that vampires don’t have to blink, so this literally could have went on for ever. Luckily one of the wolf people intervenes and bites Fanning’s head off making Steward the winner.

That really happens, kind of. Since it was actually a dream it didn’t happen, but for a minute my wife was clapping and yelping with joy. In her words after we found out it was a vision, “Wait, so the wolf didn’t really bite Dakota Fanning’s head off?”

2. When the movie ended. . .  Just kidding. . .  But no really when the credits started rolling my eye stopped twitching, so I could only assume my stroke was over.

3. The scene where all the good guy vampires come together to say they will fight. I thought it was the best scene in the movie even if they did steal it from the “Mighty Ducks.”

Remember that scene in Mighty Ducks 2 after captain blood leaves and Gordon Bombay once again becomes a great coach the kids go around in a circle and say how they will fly together as ducks and then they go out and beat Iceland?

Well Twilight did that exact scene right down to the part where Edwards yells “When the roosters crow and the cattle are scattering to the barn, Vampires Fly Together.”

4. The end of the movie look back at Bella and Edward.

Those two kids were so in love.

I feel it is my job to point out that in real life Kristen Stewart and the guy who played Edward used to be lovers. Until Stewart cheated on him.

So when I was crying at the end while screaming “She is going to break your heart Edward, don’t trust her” it wasn’t me talking about Bella and Edward as much as it was me talking about Stewart and Edwards real life name. So see, I didn’t get emotionally invested in Twilight, I was invested in their real life. There is a difference.

5. They left room for a sequel – I don’t know if you guys caught this, but at the end two of the good guy vampires warn the Cullen family that the bad guy vampires will never give them peace, they are falling for the trap.

So, fingers crossed we still have a chance for Twilight Breaking Dawn Ninety One and a Half Part Deux.
I know I will sleep better tonight knowing that there is still a chance.

Informer Note- For factual sake this is supposed to be the final chapter in the Twilight saga. That is why they did the fast forward to the future montage. All jokes about this being the best movie ever aside, please for the love of the eight pound ten ounce bearded baby Jesus, let this be it. I can’t take anymore brooding.

At the end Bella says to Edward “We Don’t Have Much Time”

Edward responds, “We have forever.”

That is a great way to end this reviews, because I have forever to live with the memory that I sat down and watched Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II voluntarily.

“Informer that doesn’t make sense, you said you would never give a bad movie review?”

Well Mr. Fake reader, the good news is I did not give a bad movie review. What I just did was show you a vision of what could have happened if I were to watch Twilight and then write a movie review about it.

I didn’t really write this review. It was all a fake dream sequence. So my claim that I would never write a negative review is still true.

You feel cheated don’t ya? Now you know how I felt.



THE INFORMER REVIEWS TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN PART II: PART TWO

Maybe I should have mentioned this before, but this fake vision of a movie review is actually two parts long.
Unfortunately, just like the movie I have nothing new to add so I am just going to sit and Brood for awhile, and maybe try holding hands.

Brooding. . .

Brooding. . .

Still Brooding. . .

Holding hands trying to get you guys to see my vision. . .

Back to Brooding. . .

A little more Brooding. . .

And. . .

TWILIGHT!!!!!!!

Like I said Breaking Dawn Part II really SUCKED!!! (Bad Vampires Sucking Blood Pun Intended)