Friday, May 30, 2008

"Bad Day For A Legend"

The other day the Informer was “Facebook Stalking” when he came across a picture that brought back memories of the Informer’s worst birthday ever.

Before we get to that story, the Informer is going to give you little background.

You see back in the wonderful world of Schuyler Nebraska, when the Informer was just a little guy, he went by another name.

Actually the Informer used to have many names, but the one he liked the most was AYSO Legend.

Yes, the Informer was and still is a soccer legend in some parts of Nebraska.

If you don’t believe the Informer check out these stats from the Informer’s 2nd year playing organized soccer.

Note- The Informer was in first grade when he started playing AYSO soccer, but at the time he was playing a grade up and did not really thrive. But what a difference a year made.

38 Goals in nine games - No that is not a typo

6 Goals in the first game of the season, including a half court/field shot to end the game

Led team to an 8-01 record

Self-proclaimed M.V.P. of the League

At least five goals after stealing the ball from teammates

(Ask the Nasty One he has seen the film of the Informer actually stealing the ball from one of his teammates and then going in for a goal. Man the Informer was awesome.)

And even though the Informer was an offensive machine, he always spent one quarter a game as the goalie, if the Informer’s memory is as good as he thinks it is, the Informer doesn’t think he was ever scored on.

Maybe your still having a hard time buying that the Informer was a soccer legend, let me tell you another story.

Two summers ago the Informer was attending his cousin Heath’s wedding in Schuyler. During the reception the Informer ran into one of his old friends Turner.

Now Turner had just been named the Division Two Basketball Player of the Year. Basically the guy was a basketball legend. Of course the Informer walks up to Turner says hello and then says “I hear that you are some kind of big shot basketball player these days?”

Turner’s response “I’m still not an AYSO legend like you man.”

Here is a division two basketball player of the year, who the Informer has not seen since the third grade, and all this guy wants to do is talk about the Informer playing soccer.

I swear to God I am not making all of this up. The Informer used to be athletically gifted.

Anyways, back to the story.

As you may have noticed the Informer’s team went 8-0-1. That is eight wins and one tie.

That tie came on April 20th 1992. The Informer’s eighth birthday.

So the Informer is “Facebook Stalking” one of his old Schuyler friends when he notices a girl named Jackie Kerli in one of the pictures.

And the memories start coming back.

You see, as much as the Informer was a legend, which he was, Jackie was by far the second best player in the league.

In fact, if the Informer was ranking female athletes he has played against or seen play, she would be number one.

She is also the person responsible for giving the Informer his only tie of the season. . .And on his birthday no less. . . I’m telling you this chick was cold hearted.

Anyways on April 20th 1992 the Informer woke up to his normal birthday routine:

Watch Wrestlemania VII - The one where Hogan defeats the evil Sgt. Slaughter.

Eat a bowl of Lucky Charms.

Finish his glass of Orange Juice. (This was pre/vodka Informer so to answer your question. . . No, the juice was not spiked)

Put on his soccer uniform . . .Shin Guards, Green Socks, Cleats, Green Shorts and Yellow Jersey. . .We were The Mighty Ducks.

(Yes the team captain got to choose the team name, obviously we all know who the captain was)

Head to the field for a ten o’clock kickoff.

As the game started the Informer did his usual damage. He led the Ducks to a 3-0 halftime lead.

By led the Ducks, the Informer means that he scored three goals in the first half.

In the third quarter the Informer got his routine rest. Just like Phil Jackson always takes Kobe out to start the 4th quarter, the Informer always sat our the third quarter.

That’s when something bad happened. Kerli saw the Informer sitting on the bench and made here move.

By the time the Informer was able to check back in (the beginning of the 4th quarter) she had led her team all the way back and we were all tied up at 3-3.

Since the Informer already told you that he finished the season with one tie, you can probably figure out the outcome.

This may not sound like a big deal, but the Informer still wakes up in the middle of the night wondering how he and the Ducks let this game slip away.

We had a chance to go undefeated and instead we came away with a tie.

Maybe she doesn’t remember this game, and hell she probably wouldn’t even know the Informer’s name if someone asked her about me, but the Informer will never forget her.

She caused the Informer to have the worst birthday of his life.

It was either that or the fact that she wouldn’t be the Informer’s second grade girlfriend.

Anyways. . .that is the story of the Informer’s worst birthday ever and the cold-hearted bit. . .

(Sorry due to complications and the Informer going temporarily insane this blog is being cut short)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

"Siskel and Informer at the Movies"

Since the last time the Informer wrote a blog he has heard one thing, “Mr. Informer your last few blogs seem like you are trying to hard to be funny.”

The Informer would actually agree with this criticism. The fact of the matter is, the Informer was getting worn down and needed to take a little “Blog Break” to rejuvenate his juices.

With that said, the Informer is back in full force with a little blog about his ten favorite non-comedy movies of all-time.

The reason the Informer is doing non-comedy is because he doesn’t think you the reader would really enjoy another blog about Adam Sandler and Super Troopers.

Before we get started, I would like to warn the Zest beforehand that I did not put Braveheart in my top 10, but the Informer is guran-damn-teeing that he will agree with my choice for Number 1.

Lets get to the list:

10. Dazed and Confused

“Come on Informer, tenth, this movie is at least in the top 5?”

The Informer would normally agree, but he changed his mind the other night after watching VH1’s top 40 “Hot Hotties of the 90’s.”

Let me explain.

Growing up in the 90’s every guys top five hotties list would have included some version of the following:

A young Britney, Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, said person’s random crush from the 90’s (For the Informer it would be Nicole Eggert. Yes, the same girl who once dated Charles and Charge.) and of course everyone’s favorite high school cheerleader, Kelly Kapowski.

So the Informer tunes into the show to see where Tiffany Amber Theissen was going to be on the list.

She had to be top five, right?

Turns out VH1 decided to put Tiffany in the 40th slot, two spots behind some gay-male model the Informer has never even heard of.

What VH1 was doing is the same thing the Informer is doing, by putting Theissen first on their countdown (40th overall) people like the Informer would keep watching just to see who they actually thought was hotter then Kelly.

So that is why Dazed is rated so low on the list, to make you keep reading to find out what movies the Informer actually thinks are better.

If the Informer is following VH1’s lead, I’m guessing that Brokeback Mountain is going to be number eight, lets find out.

9. Forrest Gump
The Informer is a sucker for a good story. Well, there is not a better story then that of Gump.

Let’s see:

Meet Elvis Pressley - Check

Win the Heisman Trophy - Check

Become a Vietnam War Hero - Check

"Date" a girl who posed for Playboy - Check

(The Informer is using quotations here because he doesn't really mean date, he means something else. But since this is a family friendly site, you the reader will have to look at the quotations and use your imagination)

Become one of the Richest Men in the World - Check

Run across the country - Check

Have your kid (Haley Joe Osmond) star in the 6th sense alongside Bruce Willis - Check

You have to admit that is a pretty damn good story.

8. Rounders
“Cheese and Rice Informer, Rounders? Really?”

The Informer apologizes but this was his go to movie in college. (I know, it explains a lot)

The Informer thinks that this is a really good movie about a buddy who can’t let go of his old friends and lifestyle, not about poker.

Actually, Worm (Ed Norton) is probably the worst best friend a human being could have, yet to Matt Damon he will always be his best friend, no matter what.

Isn’t that a movie you would like to see?

Instead, everyone thinks that if you like this movie you are either a degenerate gambler or one hand away from “1-800 Bets Off.”

Whatever the Informer likes this movie, and it is his list so he is putting it on there.

Now if you will excuse me, I have a phone call to make.

7. The Departed
The Informer had to put a mafia movie in here.

But, since he has a rule that movies from the 1970’s, no matter how good, can’t be used in his list it came down to this movie and Goodfellas.

Turns out the Informer likes Matt Damon and Leo Dicaprio a lot more then he likes Ray Liotta.

I know what your thinking, “Informer you don’t like the guy who played Shoeless Joe Jackson in Eight Men Out?”

So maybe I didn’t know what you were actually thinking but I do now, “Who in the blue hell is Shoeless Joe Jackson, and what the hell is Eight Men Out?”

The Informer’s favorite part of the Departed is the ending. If you haven’t seen the movie the Informer is not going to ruin the ending, but let’s just say that everyone dies except Mark Walberg’s character.

6. The Unforgiven
Story about a killer (Clint Eastwood) turned father, while struggling to stay clean and out of trouble before eventually getting “Hammered” and killing everyone.

The Informer loves this movie, and thinks it is the best Western (Not the hotel, the movie genre) ever made.

Here is the thing, Western’s are a hard thing to place because to many people feel very strongly that certain one’s are better then others.

For example the Informer’s former roommate Craig thinks that Tombstone is the best movie ever made.

The Informer is telling you this for one reason, all western’s are the same, except for The Unforgiven, and that is why it is on the list.

The Informer is confusing himself, we should move on before he has another stroke.

5. Troy
Great fight scenes. Great Actors (With the exception of Orlando Bloom, he sucks). Great Story. Great History. Brad Pitt.

Does the Informer really have to explain why this movie made the Top 5.

Plus, as an added bonus, the Informer knows it pisses people off when he says that Troy is way better than 300.

Well people, I see Troy on the list, but no 300.

I think my point has been proven.

4. Good Will Hunting
So the Informer is going to go out on a limb and say that his favorite actor is Matt Damon.

Also, no matter what anyone says, the Informer enjoys Ben Afflack.

Which reminds me, when the Informer does his Top 10 “Awesome Cheesy Movies Blog” he promises that Armageddon will be number 1.

And no, it has nothing to do with someone from the Informer’s past, he just loves that movie.

I could stay awake. . .just to hear you breathing. . .watch you smile while you are sleeping. . .why your far away and dreaming. . .cause I don’t wanna miss a thing. . .

You see, that is not creepy at all.

3. American History X
This movie has two of the most gruesome scenes in movie history. The Informer is honestly wondering which one is worse.

Prison Shower Scene or Bite the Curb

Either way, the Informer loves this movie.

If you haven’t wathced X, it is about a “Skinhead” (Norton) who goes to prison for killing a guy.

While in prison he meets a person of opposite race, who helps Norton realize that his ways are very ignorant.

Unfortunately by the time he gets out of prison, his younger brother has already been corrupted.

Needless to say, this movie does not end happily, but life rarely does.

Bonus: The Dad from “Boy Meets World” plays a racist fire-fighter in this movie, not sure why that is a bonus but it made the Informer laugh.

2. Ghostbusters
Hey it is the Informer’s favorite movie of all-time.

And the Winner Is. . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

1. Anything with Vin Diesel

Did you actually think we would get through a top 10 movie list without one appearance from Triple X.

For the love of God, this man once escaped from a prison that could not be escaped from.

And he is the man who taught all of us to live our lives a quarter mile at a time.

In all honesty, when the Informer is trying to pick a religion for his children, “The Chronicles of Riddick” will be at the top of the list.

Its good to be back.