As always, please keep in mind all of these questions came from actual made up readers.
Q: Mr. Informer, what are your 2017 NFL Draft Thoughts?
To steal a gimmick from the great Peter King, here are 10 things I think about the 2017 NFL Draft.
- I liked the Browns draft.
- In fact, at this point, I like everyone’s draft – including the Chicago Bears -- because until we see these guys play on Sunday’s; no one knows who is going to be a bust and who is going to be the next Tom Brady. This means, that as long as every team drafted the guys they wanted (and judging by the number of GM's who drafted every player at the top of their draft board I would say they did), then they had a successful draft.
- What did the Kansas City Chiefs say when the house fell on them? “Get off me Mahomes.” #GetIt #BadInformerJokes
- If I were an NFL GM one of my draft rules would most definitely be: "Anytime a guy dedicates his life to greatness on his grandmother's deathbed --I am drafting said guy."
- Why did the Green Bay Packers not draft that tight end from Miami? Wouldn’t he have been a perfect fit for Aaron Rodgers? And why did the Tennessee Titans not draft that tight end from Alabama? Wouldn't he have been a perfect fit for Marcus Mariota?
- I am setting the over under at 2.5 quarters into the first pre-season game before the "National Media" starts proclaiming T.J. Watt to be the 2017 NFL MVP.
- I guess the old saying is true: "You can take the Oakland out of Al Davis, but you can't take the Al Davis out of the Oakland".
- Rookie cards that I will own at least three of before the season starts: Leonard Fournette, Patrick MaHomes, Christian McCaffrey, John Ross, Corey Davis, Mike Williams, DeDe Westbrook, Joe Mixon, Dalvin Cook, DeShaun Watson and Chad Kelly.
- Why did the NFL make the decision to have every single pick have some kind of special announcer, or guest appearance, or shout-out to some cause, or hot button issue? I mean I am all for a heartfelt thanks to military service, or fulfilling a child’s “make a wish”; but every single pick? That is over doing it just a bit, don’t you think?
- The 2017 NFL Draft would have been 100x better with the great Chris Berman.
I am not going to lie, I was really excited after the 2nd pick when every “NFL DRAFT EXPERT” had to rip up there mock drafts, because none of them predicted DA Bears would draft a guy named Trabansky from North Carolina.
Q: Informer you do know his name is Trubisky, not Trabansky, right? Also, sticking with the top quarterbacks, what do you think is going to happen with the three quarterbacks that were drafted in the 1st Round?
Trubisky? Are you sure? I kinda like Trabansky better. He sounds like someone from Chicago who used to drink beers with Bill Brasky, or who bought auto parts from Ray Zalinsky. Trubisky just sounds like a healthy choice snake cookie.
Q: What in the blue hell is a snake cookie? Were you trying to spell "snack" cookie? Cheese and rice Informer, how can you proclaim to be a "sports writer" and not know how to f****ing spell?
In my defense, I was obviously more worried about making the Bill Brasky/Ray Zalinsky joke than I was about spell checking my article that six people are going to read. But you are right, that was a poor job by me. I was trying to say, "snack cookie". Lesson as always, don't edit your article hammered wasted on Natty Lights.
As far as the original question goes; I personally think two of the three guys are going to be future Pro Bowl quarterbacks. Now, because I don't want to upset any fan bases who could be reading this, I am not going to mention the guy who I think is going to be a bust. Instead, I will just say that his name rhymes with Prabransky.
Q: Seriously Informer, do you ever think that if you were not such a drunken idiot, and you actually took this stuff seriously, that maybe it could have been you getting fired by ESPN this past week?
Are you implying that me being an alcoholic is the reason I have never fulfilled my dream of being hired and fired from ESPN, or Grantland, or The Ringer? I mean, I guess that might have something to do with it, but honestly I would like to think the fact that I just misspelled "snake cookie" on live internet blogging is the reason I have yet to achieve my dreams.
Q: Dear Nostradrunkass, how did your 2017 NBA Playoff 1st round picks turn out?
Nostradrunkass? I get it. Because I am a predictor of the future like Nostradamus, but I also just admitted that I most likely over consumed the Natties while writing this article. That is a good one. #LOL #LMAO #ROFLMAO #Funny
Anyways, which means please don't make up fake nicknames while The Informer is trying to write a mailbag because it distracts me, I have currently picked every series correctly (pending Clippers over Jazz) with the exception of the Thunder-Rockets. Furthermore, I also said the Bulls would win at least two games and that the Bucks would give Toronto everything they could possibly handle before ultimately falling short. Basically, I think The Informer has lived up to the name through one round.
Q: You picked the Thunder over the Rockets? That was the easiest series of them all. How could you get that one wrong and still think you are "The Informer". More like "The Informoron". You suck Informer. And you are ugly.
Didn't I just say to stop making up nicknames that distract me while I am writing? Come on man? Follow the rules. And as far as taking Russ in round one; I apologize for picking with my heart over my brain. If that makes me "The Informoron" then I am just going to have to go through life being "The Informoron."
Q: Informer you are not a moron because you picked Russ, you are a moron because that was the way you were born. With that being said, and in all seriousness, if you are ever going to one day get fired from ESPN you need to stop being such a p**sy writer, and start giving the people the hot takes they want. You can start by giving us your hottest hot takes for the 2017 NBA Playoffs.
You know what? If hot takes are what the people want, and what is going to help me fulfill my life long dream of one day being fired by ESPN, then by gawd I am going to give them the hottest of hot takes anyone has ever herd. So with that in mind; here are The Informer's 2017 NBA Playoffs hot takes . . .
Q: Sorry Informer, while close, those were really just "luke-warm" takes. I think you can do better. How about instead of the NBA Playoffs, you gives us some of your scortching hot NFL Draft takes?
- LeBron James is really good at the game of basketball.
- Chris Paul is great, but he is not the greatest point guard of all-time. That would “White Chocolate Jason Williams . . .Okay just kidding. The answer is Magic Johnson.
- Kevin Durant is the second best basketball player in the world.
- Kawhi Leonard is amazing.
- Stephen Curry is the greatest shooter ever.
- Klay Thompson is the greatest “When I get on fire watch out” shooter of all-time.
- Finally, I think when the Golden State Warriors win the NBA title, they should be considered the greatest team in the history of the NBA.
Really? Luke warm? I thought those were on fire. But, if I must, here are The Informer's 2017 NFL Draft scorching hot takes . . .
- Joe Minton (the 48th pick in the NFL Draft by the Bengals) will finish higher than John Ross (the 9th pick in the NFL Pick by the Bengals) in the NFL Rookie of the Year race.
- DeShaun Watson is going to win the 2017 NFL Rookie of the Year.
- Patrick MaHomes will play in at least one Pro Bowl before his career is over.
- Despite trading up for their quarterback of the future, the Chicago Bears are still mathematically eliminated from the NFL Playoffs.
Seriously? Okay, one last time, here goes . . .
- Baseball was better with steroids.
- The 95 Nebraska Cornhuskers are the greatest college football team ever.
- "SpyGate" and "Deflate-gate" were made up "Fake News" stories.
- I am going to make at least 17 DeShone "Kizer Soze" jokes by the time the 2017 NFL regular season is over.
- Barry Bonds is the greatest baseball player ever.
- Within the next eight years, that porn-star chick who keeps trolling Jim Kelly's nephew, will be begging All-Pro Chad Kelly to slide into her DMs.
- Randy Moss is the greatest wide receiver ever.
- LeBron James is better than Larry Bird, Magic Johnson and Kobe Bryant.
- The Informer could beat Alonzo Ball in a game of 1 on 1 hoops.
- And finally, Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback ever.
I am not going to lie, there is almost nothing in this world that upsets me more than when someone says they wrote an article -- so you click on the link -- and it ends up not being an article at all, but just a bunch of tweets. It is infuriating. Now, with that said, since I feel like we gave the people something that resembles an actual mailbag article; I have no problem ending the day by coping out to the newest trend and sharing a few tweets that made me chuckle on the floor while laughing. I hope you all will get a good cackle out of them as well.
Can't believe my mock draft is still 100% perfect.— Dave Dameshek (@Dameshek) April 29, 2017
Marshawn Lynch coming out of retirement is like the McRib coming back to McDonald's, man. Wow. He's a McRaider now. I'm lovin it— Jon Gruden (@Faux_Gruden) April 26, 2017
Cam Newton running to the airport to pick up Christian McCaffrey pic.twitter.com/nqFA0AKv7P— Hunter France (@Hunter_France) April 28, 2017
What does Mahomes translate to in language? Is it "The Homes"? "El Homes" "Many Homes"? #PatrickMahomesProblems #ImAnIdiot #NattiesUp— The Informer (@therealinformer) April 28, 2017
That face you make when you realize you have had dried mayonnaise on you shirt all day pic.twitter.com/TbUGgtpFAc— The Informer (@therealinformer) April 28, 2017
Mark my words-Taco Charlton is either going to be a defensive force for many years or a complete bust or somewhere in between.#CowboysDraft— Cousin Sal (@TheCousinSal) April 28, 2017
If I am the Browns GM, I'm using a Day 2 on this guy #I think he has Steve Young potential pic.twitter.com/wSYOe84IDL— The Informer (@therealinformer) April 28, 2017
The Bears got their QB of the future, but unfortunately they are still mathematically eliminated from the 2017 NFL Playoffs #DraftFacts # pic.twitter.com/YSDEEqsd0p— The Informer (@therealinformer) April 28, 2017
Q: Informer before you go, please give us your predictions for the 2nd round of the 2017 NBA Playoffs?
Well, since you asked nicely, my picks are:
- Warriors in four over Clippers, or Warriors in five over the Jazz.
- Spurs in six over the Rockets.
- Wizards in six over the Celtics.
- LeBron James in five over the Raptors.
Have a great weekend everyone. Go LeBron. Go Warriors.