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Saturday, April 29, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Draft & NBA Playoffs Mailbag



As always, please keep in mind all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q: Mr. Informer, what are your 2017 NFL Draft Thoughts?

To steal a gimmick from the great Peter King, here are 10 things I think about the 2017 NFL Draft. 
  1. I liked the Browns draft.
  2. In fact, at this point, I like everyone’s draft – including the Chicago Bears -- because until we see these guys play on Sunday’s; no one knows who is going to be a bust and who is going to be the next Tom Brady. This means, that  as long as every team drafted the guys they wanted (and judging by the number of GM's who drafted every player at the top of their draft board I would say they did), then they had a successful draft.
  3. What did the Kansas City Chiefs say when the house fell on them? “Get off me Mahomes.” #GetIt #BadInformerJokes
  4. If I were an NFL GM one of my draft rules would most definitely be: "Anytime a guy dedicates his life to greatness on his grandmother's deathbed --I am drafting said guy."
  5. Why did the Green Bay Packers not draft that tight end from Miami? Wouldn’t he have been a perfect fit for Aaron Rodgers? And why did the Tennessee Titans not draft that tight end from Alabama? Wouldn't he have been a perfect fit for Marcus Mariota?
  6. I am setting the over under at 2.5 quarters into the first pre-season game before the "National Media" starts proclaiming T.J. Watt to be the 2017 NFL MVP.
  7. I guess the old saying is true: "You can take the Oakland out of Al Davis, but you can't take the Al Davis out of the Oakland". 
  8. Rookie cards that I will own at least three of before the season starts: Leonard Fournette, Patrick MaHomes, Christian McCaffrey, John Ross, Corey Davis, Mike Williams, DeDe Westbrook, Joe Mixon, Dalvin Cook, DeShaun Watson and Chad Kelly.
  9. Why did the NFL make the decision to have every single pick have some kind of special announcer, or guest appearance, or shout-out to some cause, or hot button issue? I mean I am all for a heartfelt thanks to military service, or fulfilling a child’s “make a wish”; but every single pick? That is over doing it just a bit, don’t you think? 
  10. The 2017 NFL Draft would have been 100x better with the great Chris Berman.
Q: Okay Informer, what was your favorite part of the 2017 NFL Draft?

I am not going to lie, I was really excited after the 2nd pick when every “NFL DRAFT EXPERT” had to rip up there mock drafts, because none of them predicted DA Bears would draft a guy named Trabansky from North Carolina.

Q: Informer you do know his name is Trubisky, not Trabansky, right? Also, sticking with the top quarterbacks, what do you think is going to happen with the three quarterbacks that were drafted in the 1st Round?

Trubisky? Are you sure? I kinda like Trabansky better. He sounds like someone from Chicago who used to drink beers with Bill Brasky, or who bought auto parts from Ray Zalinsky. Trubisky just sounds like a healthy choice snake cookie.

Q: What in the blue hell is a snake cookie? Were you trying to spell "snack" cookie? Cheese and rice Informer, how can you proclaim to be a "sports writer" and not know how to f****ing spell?

In my defense, I was obviously more worried about making the Bill Brasky/Ray Zalinsky joke than I was about spell checking my article that six people are going to read. But you are right, that was a poor job by me. I was trying to say, "snack cookie". Lesson as always, don't edit your article hammered wasted on Natty Lights. 

As far as the original question goes; I personally think two of the three guys are going to be future Pro Bowl quarterbacks. Now, because I don't want to upset any fan bases who could be reading this, I am not going to mention the guy who I think is going to be a bust. Instead, I will just say that his name rhymes with Prabransky.

Q: Seriously Informer, do you ever think that if you were not such a drunken idiot, and you actually took this stuff seriously, that maybe it could have been you getting fired by ESPN this past week?

Are you implying that me being an alcoholic is the reason I have never fulfilled my dream of being hired and fired from ESPN, or Grantland, or The Ringer?  I mean, I guess that might have something to do with it, but honestly I would like to think the fact that I just misspelled "snake cookie" on live internet blogging is the reason I have yet to achieve my dreams. 

Q: Dear Nostradrunkass, how did your 2017 NBA Playoff 1st round picks turn out?

Nostradrunkass? I get it. Because I am a predictor of the future like Nostradamus, but I also just admitted that I most likely over consumed the Natties while writing this article. That is a good one. #LOL #LMAO #ROFLMAO #Funny

Anyways, which means please don't make up fake nicknames while The Informer is trying to write a mailbag because it distracts me, I have currently picked every series correctly (pending Clippers over Jazz) with the exception of the Thunder-Rockets. Furthermore, I also said the Bulls would win at least two games and that the Bucks would give Toronto everything they could possibly handle before ultimately falling short. Basically, I think The Informer has lived up to the name through one round.

Q: You picked the Thunder over the Rockets? That was the easiest series of them all. How could you get that one wrong and still think you are "The Informer". More like "The Informoron". You suck Informer. And you are ugly. 


Didn't I just say to stop making up nicknames that distract me while I am writing? Come on man? Follow the rules. And as far as taking Russ in round one; I apologize for picking with my heart over my brain. If that makes me "The Informoron" then I am just going to have to go through life being "The Informoron."

Q: Informer you are not a moron because you picked Russ, you are a moron because that was the way you were born. With that being said, and in all seriousness, if you are ever going to one day get fired from ESPN you need to stop being such a p**sy writer, and start giving the people the hot takes they want. You can start by giving us your hottest hot takes for the 2017 NBA Playoffs.

You know what? If hot takes are what the people want, and what is going to help me fulfill my life long dream of one day being fired by ESPN, then by gawd I am going to give them the hottest of hot takes anyone has ever herd. So with that in mind; here are The Informer's 2017 NBA Playoffs hot takes . . .
  • LeBron James is really good at the game of basketball.
  • Chris Paul is great, but he is not the greatest point guard of all-time. That would “White Chocolate Jason Williams . . .Okay just kidding. The answer is Magic Johnson.
  • Kevin Durant is the second best basketball player in the world.
  • Kawhi Leonard is amazing.
  •  Stephen Curry is the greatest shooter ever. 
  • Klay Thompson is the greatest “When I get on fire watch out” shooter of all-time.
  • Finally, I think when the Golden State Warriors win the NBA title, they should be considered the greatest team in the history of the NBA.
Q: Sorry Informer, while close, those were really just "luke-warm" takes. I think you can do better. How about instead of the NBA Playoffs, you gives us some of your scortching hot NFL Draft takes?

Really? Luke warm? I thought those were on fire. But, if I must, here are The Informer's 2017 NFL Draft scorching hot takes . .  .
  • Joe Minton (the 48th pick in the NFL Draft by the Bengals) will finish higher than John Ross (the 9th pick in the NFL Pick by the Bengals) in the NFL Rookie of the Year race.
  • DeShaun Watson is going to win the 2017 NFL Rookie of the Year. 
  • Patrick MaHomes will play in at least one Pro Bowl before his career is over.
  • Despite trading up for their quarterback of the future, the Chicago Bears are still mathematically eliminated from the NFL Playoffs.
Q: Come on Informer you can be hotter than that?

Seriously? Okay, one last time, here goes . . .
  • Baseball was better with steroids. 
  • The 95 Nebraska Cornhuskers are the greatest college football team ever. 
  • "SpyGate" and "Deflate-gate" were made up "Fake News" stories.
  • I am going to make at least 17 DeShone "Kizer Soze" jokes by the time the 2017 NFL regular season is over.
  • Barry Bonds is the greatest baseball player ever.
  • Within the next eight years, that porn-star chick who keeps trolling Jim Kelly's nephew, will be begging All-Pro Chad Kelly to slide into her DMs. 
  • Randy Moss is the greatest wide receiver ever.
  • LeBron James is better than Larry Bird, Magic Johnson and Kobe Bryant.
  • The Informer could beat Alonzo Ball in a game of 1 on 1 hoops.
  • And finally, Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback ever. 
Q: Informer you really suck at hot-takes. How about we just move on before you embarrass yourself any more? Moving forward: What are your favorite tweets about the 2017 NFL draft.

I am not going to lie, there is almost nothing in this world that upsets me more than when someone says they wrote an article -- so you click on the link -- and it ends up not being an article at all, but just a bunch of tweets. It is infuriating. Now, with that said, since I feel like we gave the people something that resembles an actual mailbag article; I have no problem ending the day by coping out to the newest trend and sharing a few tweets that made me chuckle on the floor while laughing. I hope you all will get a good cackle out of them as well. 









Q: Informer before you go, please give us your predictions for the 2nd round of the 2017 NBA Playoffs?

Well, since you asked nicely, my picks are:
  • Warriors in four over Clippers, or Warriors in five over the Jazz.
  • Spurs in six over the Rockets.
  • Wizards in six over the Celtics.
  • LeBron James in five over the Raptors.

Have a great weekend everyone. Go LeBron. Go Warriors.





Friday, April 21, 2017

The Informer's All NBA Playoffs Mailbag: Part Deux


As always, please keep in mind that all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q: Dear Informer, what has been the most compelling moment of the 2017 NBA Playoffs thus far? Is it LeBron’s record setting come from behind victory? Joe Johnson’s game winner? Lance Stephenson? TNT trolling Shaq by interviewing JaVale McGee? Russell Westbrook’s 50 point triple-double and fourth quarter meltdown? Giannis An******? The “TNT Bulls”? Choose one Informer. 

As much as I loved TNT trolling Shaq with the JaVale McGee interview, Joe Johnson turning back the clock, the return of Lance, the “TNT Bulls” and Giannis A****** blossoming into a super-duper star right in front of our eyes; the answer has to be King James coming back from down 26 points while single-handedly killing Indiana as a team, a franchise, and an American city.

Q: Speaking of King James, will you please spend a few moments slobbering all over LeBron for his incredible Game 3 performance. 

How about instead of slobbering, I just provide eight absolutely true facts that came about as a result of Game 3?
  1. "LeBron King James" final stat line was 41-13-12. For LeBron, it was his 17 career playoff triple double; which is the second most in NBA history behind only Magic Johnson
  2. "King James" has now scored the third most points in NBA Playoff history.
  3. "King LeBron" has made the fourth most three pointers in NBA Playoff history.
  4. "LeBron Emperor James" led the Cavs back from an NBA record 26 point deficit.
  5. "The King of Cleveland" has now won 19 straight first round playoff games. 
  6. "King LeBron James" has never lost a first round playoff series.
  7. The last team to beat “His Majesty” LeBron James at least one time in the first round was the Mike Bibby/Baron Davis led New York Knicks.
  8. And finally, “The Ruler of Worlds” LeBron James now has the record for greatest comeback in a Finals series (down 3-1) and the greatest single game comeback in NBA playoff history (26 points).
Q: Informer what is the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week?

I drank at least nine Natties while searching the internet for this week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week, but eventually I came up with this . . .


Q: Hey Informer, which one of the first-round upsets is actually going to happen? Bulls over Celtics, Jazz over Clippers, Bucks over Raptors, or Thunder over Rockets?

Sadly, because of the Rondo injury, I do not think the Bulls will complete the upset. Also, I still think the Clippers’ playoff experience is going to win out against Utah (even with the possible Blake injury). So my answer would be that I believe the Bucks and Thunder are both going to complete their upsets, while the Clippers and Celtics will eventually make the second round.

#InRussWeTrust #ThunderUp #GreakFreak #ThonMakerIsMyFather

Q: What is your favorite 2017 NBA Playoff conspiracy?


You mean other than the fact that I think Thon Maker is my father? I guess I would have to say the one that makes the most sense to me is that LeBron purposely tanked the #1 seed to the Celtics because his friend D-Wade asked him to. You know, because Wade knew there was no chance the Bulls could beat LeBron, but there was at least a punchers chance of the experienced Bulls upsetting the young Celtics.

Q: Are you ready to proclaim LeBron James as the greatest of all-time?

As I have always said when it comes to ranking LeBron’s all-time greatness, let’s let him finish his career first before we start crowning his ass. With that said; if LeBron retired tomorrow he would most definitely be in the conversation.

Q: Was LeBron bringing the Cavs back from a 26-point deficit the greatest comeback in NBA Playoff history?


Without doing any research, and going completely off my drunken memories, the greatest NBA Playoff comebacks I can remember are:
Q: Are you worried about Kevin Durant’s latest injury?

Yes and no. Yes because you never like to see a guy coming off of a lower leg injury get hurt with another lower leg injury. No because he is going to come back fully healthy and still lead the Golden State Warriors to an NBA Championship.

Q: Speaking of championships, let’s say KD can’t stay healthy and has to sit down for the rest of the playoffs: Do you still think the Golden State Warriors can win the NBA Championship?

I think in that scenario Golden State would still be the favorites to win the Western Conference, but I do think a KD injury would open the door for the possibility that LeBron would be able to lead the Cavs past the Warriors in the Finals for the second straight year.

Q: Okay then, let’s say Durant comes back Game 3 and stays healthy: Do you think Golden State could finish the NBA Playoffs 16-0?

If any team in NBA history was ever going to finish the NBA Playoffs undefeated, it would be the 2017 Golden State Warriors. They are that damn good. Ultimately though, I would bet they go 14-2 or 15-1. I just can't see a scenario where "The King" gets swept in the NBA Finals. 

Q: Do you have any thoughts on the Wizards-Hawks?

NO!!!

Q: You know Informer I have seen you do some horrible things in your lifetime. For example; being an advocate for binge drinking Natty Lights, talking about X-rated pornos, objectifying the ladies of the night, neglecting your kids, being grossly overweight, claiming Nicolas Cage is the greatest American actor alive today; but never once did I think you would turn out to be a no good lying cheater. I mean honestly Informer, can you explain this tweet?
Ummmm . . . I am sorry, but this question has nothing to do with the NBA Playoffs; so unfortunately at this time I am unable to respond with a logical answer.

Q: Seriously Informer, how could you cheat on Blimpies so openly and with absolutely no regard for their feelings? What kind of person are you? It is like one day you woke up and Blimpies never even existed? I am being for real this time Informer, you either make this right by explaining yourself, or else I am going to stab you right in the d**k with a soldering iron.

Okay . . . Okay . . . There is no need to get so specifically violent . . .  I'll answer the damn question. First of all, my twitter account was obviously hacked, meaning that tweet is “Fake News”. Secondly, the “Fake News” tweet was taken out of context. And finally, the only reason why I am eating sandwiches from Jersey Mike’s every single day is because I am an hour away from the closest Blimpies. So therefore, it is not cheating, it is out of necessity.

Q: So what you are saying is that whenever your wife goes out of town it is okay to go to a hooker-house and buy a prostitute because of necessity?

Come on now, you can’t compare the sanctity of marriage with buying a sandwich. That is asinine.

Q: Okay Informer, if you don’t want to compare sandwiches to marriage that is fine, but how about you do us all a favor and answer this question: When the liquor store is out of Natty Light, what do you do? Do you stay true to the Natties and go to the next store, or do you buy Busch Light out of necessity?

I mean I do what any rational human being who wants to get hammered wasted would do . . . I buy the Bush Lights and go on about my business.

Q: O.M.G., YOU ARE A F*****G MONSTER INFORMER!!! How could you preach about the greatness of Blimpies and Natties for the past ten years and then just throw it all away on a whim to satisfy your so-called “necessities”? You make me sick. I hope you f***ing die of gonorrhea and rot in hell with Dan Marino. Seriously go f*** yourself you motherless mother f*****.

And on that completely un-related to basketball note: How about we wrap up today’s NBA Playoff mailbag with one last gambling question?

Q: Since Vegas just released the lines for Week 1 of the 2017 NFL Season, I thought that maybe you would want to give us your Week 1 picks right now. So how about it Informer? Are you ready to predict the future?

Sounds like the perfect way to end an all-NBA Playoffs mailbag. So with that in mind, here are The Informer’s way to early Week 1 of the 2017 NFL Season picks:

Pats (-7) over Chiefs

Jets (+6.5) at Buffalo

Falcons (-5.5) at Chicago

Texans (-4.5) over Jacksonville

Eagles (+2.5) at Washington

Titans (PK) over Raiders

Tampa Bay (+2) at Dolphins

Steelers (+9.5) at Cleveland

Bengals (-1) over Ravens

Colts (-3.5) at Rams

Packers (-2.5) over Seattle

Panthers (-4 ) at 49ers

Giants (+6) at Cowboys

Saints (+4) at Vikings

Broncos (-3.5) over Chargers

#TheInformerOut


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Thursday, April 13, 2017

The Informer's All NBA Playoffs Mailbag

Raise both your hands if you are the 2017 NBA MVP.

As always, please keep in mind that all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q: Hey Informer did you retire from writing? I mean you have not published an article in over a month. So what gives man? Did you finally realize it is pointless for you to put out articles because there is not a single person in the world who gives a sh*t about your opinion? Or, are you just a lazy, fat, alcoholic who has been slacking on his duties?


Honestly, I think it is probably a combination of the two. But hey, since we are here, how about The Informer breaks out an All-NBA Mailbag for his readers? Would that make up for a month’s long absence?


Q: Okay Informer if you want to make it up to us, how about you answer the most important question of 2017 right of off the bat: Who is the 2017 NBA MVP?


Russell Westbrook is the 2017 NBA MVP. The reasoning is simple; you don’t become the second player in NBA history to average a triple-double for the entire season while leading your team to the playoffs without Kevin Durant and not win the NBA MVP Award. 


That would be asinine.

Q: But Informer, what about the fact that the Thunder only won 46 games? That has to matter right? I mean no MVP in the last 30 years has won the award on a team that has won less than 50 games.


Sure, no one in the past 30 years has won the MVP while also playing for a team that won less than 50 games, but you know what else has not happened in the past 30 years? A f**king dude posting 42 triple-doubles while averaging a triple-double for an entire season.


Q: Come on Informer all the advanced stats show that James Harden had a more impressive year and his team won more games; therefore he is the MVP. Why can’t you just admit you are an overweight alcoholic who is wrong about the 2017 NBA MVP.


Did James Harden lead the league in scoring, finish in the Top 10 in rebounding while also averaging double digit assists and scoring 30 points a night? Did James Harden become the only player in NBA history to score at least 57 points while also posting a triple-double? Did James Harden become the first player in NBA history to record 42 triple-doubles in a season? If the answer is no to any of these questions; than that means he is not the MVP because there is a guy in the NBA who did in fact do all those things.


Q: Wins have to count for something Informer, and the fact is James Harden’s team had more wins than Russell Westbrook’s. So your “triple-double argument” is a mute point you moron. Again, no one is saying Russ was not spectacular this season, what we are saying is his numbers don’t mean as much because his team only won 46 games. Sorry bud, but your boyfriend is going to lose.  


So based on that argument, what you are really saying is that either Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green, Kevin Durant or Zaza Pachulia should win the 2017 NBA MVP. You know, because they were starters on a team that won 66 games? Honestly, 
I’m actually okay with that. From now on no one can be the NBA MVP unless their team has the most wins. Stats, game winning shots, advanced metrics, hot takes; none of that matters anymore. The best player on the team with the most wins always gets the MVP no questions asked. 

Q: Zaza Pachulia as the MVP? Now you are just being petty and ridiculous Informer. I mean seriously, why can’t you admit that James Harden’s historically great season produced more wins than Russ’s historically great season and that is why he is the MVP?


As I just said, if the number one argument you have contains the words “more wins”, than you have no choice but to pick someone from the Warriors to be your MVP. Just saying, you can’t sit here and argue that Harden should be the MVP over Russ -- with lesser stats -- because his team has more wins without saying Curry should be MVP over Harder -- with lesser stats -- because the Warriors have more wins than the Rockets.


Q: Fine Informer, you are correct. Russell Westbrook should be the unanimous MVP. I sincerely apologize for doubting you. Please forgive me. Also just in case you were wondering, I am totally lying. I am not going to ever agree with you, because you are nothing but a fat drunk sack of human waste who probably didn’t even watch the Rockets play one basketball game this year so you have no clue how valuable James Harden was.


That is where you are wrong sir. I clearly remember watching at least three James Harden games this year where his team lost to the Golden State Warriors. 


Q: I hate you Informer.


I know, but your feelings toward me have nothing to do with the fact that Russell Westbrook is hands down the 2017 NBA MVP.


Q: Hey Informer can we please stop talking about regular season awards and start focusing on the fact that the best two months of the years are about to begin? With that in mind, what is your favorite first round playoff match-up?


Well, obviously I can’t wait to watch Russ destroy James Harden in the Western Conference. So that would be number one on my list. And a
s far as the Eastern Conference goes, I am excited to see if Giannis “The Greek Freak” Ant******* can be the best player in four of seven games and lead the Milwaukee Bucks to a first round upset over the Toronto Raptors. 

Now, with all that said, this is the NBA Playoffs, which means every game is going to be freaking awesome (excluding any games involving Dwight Howard of course).

Q: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much slobbering over LeBron James are we going to have to read about from you in these playoffs?


I would say it is at least going to be an 8 out of 10. But that could change if/when Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry and Russell Westbrook get eliminated. But make no mistake about it, I will be paying homage and speaking the praises of King James every chance I get.

(P.S. - For those wondering, my NBA Playoff rooting order goes: Durant, Russ, Steph & then LeBron. Also, it should be noted that coming in dead last for umpteenth time is Dwight Howard.)

Q: Do you have any Playoff bets for the degenerates out there who are reading this?

I sure do, but before I give them away I feel I should explain to anyone reading that these picks are to be used for recreational purposes only. In no way shape or form does The Informer condone the practice of illegal gambling with websites like Sportsbook.ag, Bodog.eu, or any other online website that lets you place illegal wagers.


Okay, now that we have the disclaimer in place, here are a five prop bets I would be putting money on if betting were legal and I hadn’t just bought my bookie a brand new lawn mower.



  • Warriors to win Championships (-220)
  • Spurs to win Championship (+900)
  • Wizards to win Eastern Conference (+1000)
  • Cavs to win Eastern Conference (-260)
  • Thunder over Rockets (+360)

Q: Speaking of predictions Informer, who is going to win every first round series and why?

EASTERN CONFERENCE


Cleveland vs Indiana: The Cavs will win this series because they have LeBron James.


Milwaukee vs Toronto: The Raptors are probably going to win, but my gut feeling says the “Greek Freak” is going to be out of this world great pushing this series to seven games.


Atlanta vs Washington: Washington wins because I hate Dwight Howard.


Chicago vs Boston: I think the veteran Chicago Bulls squad will be able to win two, maybe even three games, but in the end the Celtics will avoid the upset and move on to round two for the first time since the “Big 3” era.


WESTERN CONFERENCE


Portland vs. Golden State: Warriors in five.


Oklahoma City vs. Houston Rockets: I am taking OKC because Russell Westbrook is the 2017 NBA MVP.


Utah Jazz vs. Los Angeles Clippers: I got to go with the Clippers experience here.


Memphis Grizzlies vs. San Antonio Spurs: As the old saying goes; death, taxes and the San Antonio Spurs making the second round of the NBA Playoffs.


Q: Last question Informer: Who is going to win the NBA Finals?


I have the Golden State Warriors beating the San Antonio Spurs in the Western Conference Finals and the Cleveland Cavaliers beating the Washington Wizards in the Eastern Conference Finals. Then in part three of the Warriors vs LeBron trilogy; I have the 2017 NBA Finals MVP Kevin Durant leading the Golden State Warriors to a 4-1 series victory.  


Final Answer: The Golden State Warriors will be the 2017 NBA Champions.



Can anyone stop Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry and the 2017 Golden State Warriors?