Saturday, November 24, 2018

The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 12



Due to the holiday weekend, The Informer's alcoholism and utter laziness there will be no article this week. But for the sake of historical purposes I am still going to list my picks and send out the link to this blog.

As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The National Informer League is strictly prohibited.

Chicago Bears (-3) WIN

Dallas Cowboys (-7) WIN

Atlanta Falcons (+13) LOSS

Bills (+3)

Raiders (+12)

Tampa Bay (-2)

Eagles (-5)

Bengals (-1)

Patriots (-9.5)

HGHawks (+3.5)

Dolphins (+8)

Chargers (-13.5)

Steelers (-2.5) Lion King Lock of the Week (Must buy half a point)

Green Bay +3.5 Aaron Rodgers in Primetime

Texans (-4.5)



2018 NFL PICKS RECORD

OVERALL: 87-69-5

LAST WEEK: 3-9-1




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Sunday, November 18, 2018

The Informer's Twitter Mailbag and Week 11 NFL Picks




As always, please keep in mind that almost all of these questions came from actual people on Twitter and not fake Brazilian porn "Twitter bots" that The Informer was tricked (knowingly) into following. 

I would move the team to Omaha, Nebraska because I am extremely lazy (it is a side effect from being an alcoholic) and would not want to move me and my family to a new house in some other state.
As for the second question I am drafting: Tim Tebow, Ndamukong Suh, LeVeon Bell, Earl Thomas and Jadeveon Clowney.

 Now, looking at those five players I am not saying that we would win the Super Bowl in our expansion year, but I am one hundred percent certain we would win the Super Bowl in our expansion year. 

1) Fire Gruden. 2) Hire the Harbaugh brother from Baltimore that is about to be fired. 3) Trade Derrick Carr straight up for Patrick Mahomes (I bet the Chiefs would do that, right?). 4) I am not sure who this Joseph guy is, so unless it is the dude that was married to Mary, I'd say can his ass for negligence. 5) Draft whoever Mel Kiper says is the best player at #1 & #26. 6) And finally I am playing all my home games in London. 


Wait . . . Is this a trick question? 


I am not going to lie -- due to the fact that I have worked every Saturday for the past 10 years (being an adult is dumb) -- the only college football I watch/follow is the Nebraska Cornhuskers. So sadly that means I can't give you a good answer, because the only college receiver's name that I know who does not play for Nebraska is Thaddeus Moss (and he is a tight end). 

 With that said; since I can't answer your question about today's stars, how about I give you my top 3 favorite college WRs of all-time are? They are: Randy Moss, Rocket Ismail and Tamarick Vanover. 

It is the same reason people will eat a 12oz grilled Ribeye steak without ketchup: They are psychos. 

Sean McVay developed a system around his players strengths instead of trying to force said players into a "McVay system". And because he built his team around the "player's strengths" and not the "coach's system" he has a team that is making him look like a young Belichick. 

 To put it in layman terms: he is doing the exact opposite of anything Jeff Fisher would do.

I personally think they should make all drugs/steroids legal and let the doctors administer them to the players. This way you have a professional giving out -- and monitoring -- the drug use over having millionaire athletes who are not doctors let pimps stick roid needles into their ass while they smoke hippie lettuce off of a "prostitutes" bare butt. 

Joe Montana, Randy Moss and Wayne Fontz Bill Belichick.

Bill Simmons was the reason I wanted to become a sports writer to begin with. So he would be the biggest influence behind the Natty Lights. 


I will do you two better. Here are The Informer's Top 5 NFL running backs in order: Todd Gurley, Zeke, Melvin Gordon, Saquon Barkley and Kareem Hunt. 


Until the NFL does the right thing and puts the great Phil Simms into the Hall of Fame; I can't in good conscience send any other New York Giant QB to Canton. 

 With that said the moment Phil gets in; I think Eli should get in. 

 My reasoning is simple: He is Top 10 all time in passing yards, TDs and he also has more Super Bowl rings than Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Dan Marino, Phillip Rivers, Matt Ryan, Cam Newton, Andrew Luck, Russell Wilson, Dan Fouts, Peyton Manning (Can you really count Manning's second ring as a "Manning ring"?), Warren Moon, Fran Tarkenton and Johnny Unitas. 

You may hate Eli, but the dude is a Hall of Famer (once Simms gets in of course). 


Is steak better with ketchup? Is Natty Light the best beer in the World? Is The Informer on a diet? Is Armageddon the greatest documentary ever made? Is Antonio Cromartie the father of one of my children? Will six hundred people read this blog? What about 32? Is The Informer the greatest sports writer to ever live? Is the Earth flat? Are Aliens fake? Is the Moon landing real? Does Joe Flacco's mother think he is elite?

 I guess, what I am trying to say, is that depending on the person's religious beliefs --this answer really could go either way. 

Andy Reid, Jim Harbaugh, Marty Schottenheimer, Dan Reeves and Marv Leavy.

First of all Tyrel, I am going to have to draw the line at grammar questions. Those are above and beyond my pay grade. 

 As for the second question (or was it the first?); about five years ago I wrote an article called 30 Reason the 1990s Nebraska Cornhuskers needs an ESPN 30 for 30 that has over 60,000 views and once had a local radio show talk about it for a full segment.

 So I would definitely say that article is my best, my most favorite, and easily the greatest thing I have written and will write during my Informer career (Is it a career if you never make money? Is it also sad when you know that you peaked five years ago but keep trying anyways? Is this how Carmelo Anthony feels about basketball now? Is there a reason I keep asking so many questions inside of a parenthesis? Did anyone else have to google search how to spell parentheiss? Should we just move on to the next question? ). 


I love Peyton Manning. I think he is Top 5 all time no matter what anyone says. But the answer is Tom Brady. You don't get to win five Super Bowls and play in 12 AFC Championship games over the course of your career while setting multiple NFL records and not get called the GOAT.

Ladies and gentlemen is the semi-changed words of the great Bill Simmons: "You these are my Twitter followers". 

 Thank you all for asking some great questions this week. As promised everyone who asked a question will now be entered  into a Twitter Poll tournament to see who wins their very own custom made "The Informer" T-shirt. And for those reading at home, if you would like a chance to win Informer gear, or want to take part in the next Twitter mailbag, go to Twitter and follow @therealinformer.

 Okay, now that the Twitterbag is over, here are The Informer's Week 11 NFL Picks: 

 HGHawks (-3) PUSH

 Carolina Blue Tigers (-4) 

 Tampa Bay (+1.5)

 Atlanta (-2.5) Buy a half of point 

 Houston (-2.5) Again, buy a half of point

 Colts (-2) LKLOTW 

 Bengals (+6.5)

 Steelers (-5.5)

 Chargers (-6.5) Buy a half of point

 Cardinals (-5.5)

 Eagles (+8.5)

 Vikings (+2.5)

 Chiefs (+3.5)



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Saturday, November 10, 2018

The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 10


Seeing as how The Informer's NFL Picks blog keeps getting fewer and fewer readers as the weeks (and wins) add up, I thought we would try something a little different this week. That is why on Wednesday night I sent out the following tweet . . .


Now, as you can probably imagine, I got quite a few responses from people asking:

To be honest, I have no idea why I am doing this. Or why I think it would be a good idea/fun blog article. I guess I am just hoping that by trying something new maybe a few more people will click on the link and get access to the best NFL picks free money can buy (The Informer is 34-8 against the spread in the past three weeks). 

 Moving along, I also got a few questions that confused me . . .

I mean don't get me wrong, I loved that you participated Mr Dawson, but telling me you have a question and then not actually asking a question makes it very tough for me to give you an answer. So sadly all I can say is thanks for playing the game, unfortunately at this time I am unable to answer your un-asked question.

 And finally, I also got a number of very important questions that I will now answer before we get to the Week 10 NFL lines. 

In January of 2004 I wrote my first college newspaper column as The Informer. At the the time I was what people these days would call a Bill Simmons "STAN"(psycho obsessive fan), and since Bill had a writing nickname -- The Sports Guys -- I felt like I needed to have one for my column in order for it to become a huge global phenomenon like "The Sports Guy" did. As for why it has stuck with me for 14 years? Mostly because I hate change -- so even if I didn't like the name I would never change it - - and for the fact that whenever someone calls me "The Informer" it brings me an unwarranted sense of pride and achievement.

In order: 

 1) I would stagger the starting times for all Sunday games. We would have games starting at 10am, noon, 2pm, 4pm, 6pm and 8pm. This way there would be constant football all day and it would get rid of the horrible Sunday afternoons when the NFL has 10 games going at once (Seriously have you ever tried watching 10 NFL games at once? It is flipping annoying.).

 2) I would legalize all HGH, steroids and marijuana. The thinking is simple: They are all "allegedly" taking these drugs anyways. So we might as well legalize it and let the doctors prescribe the stuff. All I am saying is that if players are going to do these things anyways, isn't a doctor giving them prescriptions and schedules while monitoring the athletes vital signs safer than a dude shoving a needle into another dudes buttocks while smoking reefer out of an aluminum Pepsi can?

 3) I would move overtime back to 15 minutes and then say that no games can end in a tie. If for some reason no team scores in the first overtime, then we go to a second overtime until someone does score. I don't care if we have twelve overtimes in a single game, there will be a winner. Because under The Informer's watch there will be no more incest in the NFL.

I mean Drago probably trained smarter -- using the doctors and steroids -- but Rocky climbing to the top of a mountain in the middle of a Russian winter was definitely harder. 

 As for the second question, at least one. 

In my world, in order for it to be considered a sandwich, you must be able to put mayonnaise on it. And, well, if you are putting mayonnaise on your hot dog then I need you to DM me right away because I want your drug dealers phone number.
I don't like the rule where Vegas is allowed to tell the officials how to referee a game. I think that is shady business by the NFL and really not fair to the average gambler out there. I also think the new rule where you are not allowed to make eye contact with the quarterback is bullshit. 

I have done no research on this (other then the clue Jerron gave me that the player played for both the 49ers & Cowboys) but I am going to say the answer is Terrell Owens. 

Again no research whatsoever, but I am pretty sure the answer is Mohammad Sanu. 
Oh man, this tweet did not age well. Maybe we should just move onto The Informer's Week 10 NFL Picks?

 As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The National Informer League is strictly prohibited.

 Carolina Panthers @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-3)

 Here is The Informer's proof of pick tweet:

PICK: Steelers (-3) 
Atlanta Falcons @ Cleveland Browns (+4)

 Cleveland is back to being Cleveland (aka they suck again), but for some reason Vegas is still giving them credit for how they played earlier in the season (when they were actually a competitive and somewhat resembled a NFL team). This means that we as gamblers need to load up on the Falcons this week and make as much money as we can before Vegas figures out that the Browns are once again the Browns.  

 Pick: Falcons (-4)
New Orleans Saints @ Cinncinati Bengals (+5.5)
New England Patriots @ Tennessee Titans (-6.5)
Miami Dolphins @ Green Bay Packers (-9.5)

 I am betting on three of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game. That is my ultra-wise expert analysis for these three games. 

 Pick: Packers (-9.5) Patriots (-6.5) Saints (-5.5)
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Indianapolis Colts (-2.5)

 Most places you are going find the Colts are favored by three points. Well here I am going to buy a half point from my bookie (which means I pay more but the line goes down to 2.5) because I think the Lion King Lock of the Week is the Colts winning by three points on a last second Adam Vinatieri field goal. 

 Pick: Colts LKLOTW (-2.5)
Washington Redskins @ Tampa Bay (-3)

 Honestly, if I was not so certain that the Colts were going to win on a last second Vinatieri field goal, then Washington would have been my Lion King Lock of the Week. Instead, the Skins will just have to settle for being one of my five Super Picks contest selections and one of the teams I use to make loads of illegal gambling money.

 Pick: Washington (+3)
Buffalo Bills @ New York Jets (-7.5)

 I could say all the derogatory words that I normally say when it comes to games like this (abomination, abortion, dumpster fire, garbage, trash, week ass shit, gross, etc), but instead I am just going to say: "Here is the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week":


Pick: Bills (+7.5)
Detroit Lions @ Chicago Bears (-7)

 Did you know the Lions have won 9 of the last 10 games in this rivalry? And now Vegas is giving us seven points for the team that has won 9 of the last 10 games in this series? I mean, I may not be the smartest man living on this flat Earth, but even I know getting seven points with the team that always wins seems to be a trend worth riding. 

 Pick: Lions (+7)
Arizona Cardinals @ Kansas City Chiefs (-16.5)

 NFL gambling rules say you should bet the Cardinals and grab the points. So if you are someone who wants to follow the rules that is the bet to make. As for me, I love watching and rooting for the Kansas City Mahomes, so I am definitely not going to bet against them (because that would mean I would have to get pissed every time Mahomes shows off his laser rocket cannon arm). 

 Pick: Chiefs (-16.5)
Los Angeles Chargers @ Oakland Raiders (+10)

 Home underdog getting 10 points against a team that is playing their fourth straight road game is the only reason I would ever recommend  a person put their hard earned money on the Oakland trash. 

 Pick: Raiders (+10)
Seattle HGHawks @ Los Angeles Rams (-10)

 NFL rules say to pick the double digit underdog no matter who is playing. That is why I am going to bet the double digit underdog HGHawks this week. I am strictly following the rules and hoping Russell Wilson can score enough garbage time points to cover the spread. 

 Pick: HGHawks (+10)
Dallas Cowboys @ Philadelphia Eagles (-6.5)

 I am betting the Eagles, taking them in my Super Picks contest, picking them in my suicide wins poll and putting them in every single teaser/parlay I am going to make on Sunday. 

 In other words, you are welcome Dallas. 

 Pick: Eagles (-6.5)
New York Giants @ San Francisco 49ers (-3)

 Here is a fun story: The first NFL bet The Informer ever made was on the New York Giants @ the San Francisco 49ers Monday Night Football game during Week 13 of the 1990 NFL Season (I won one dollar from my dad when the Joe Montana led 49ers won 7-3). Now, 28 years later, The Informer has the chance to bet the Nick Mullens led 49ers and hope history repeats itself with a very entertaining 7-3 San Fran victory on Monday Night Football.

 In the words of Hank Williams Jr: "Are you ready for some football?" 

 Pick: 49ers (-3)

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Sunday, November 4, 2018

The Informer's 2018 NFL Picks: Week 9



Here are The Informer's Week 9 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The National Informer League is strictly prohibited.

Oakland Dumpster Fires @ San Francisco 49ers (+1)
Pick: WOOF (-1)


 Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings (-5.5)

Blogging really is a funny thing. You see two weeks ago The Informer went 14-1 against the spread (the single greatest gambling weekend of my life) and had a fairly normal views week. Then last week (a week in which I went 11-3 ATS) over 4/5 of my normal reading audience decided to not read The Informer.

Now obviously, with over 80% of my audience disappearing the week after I had the greatest week of my life, I had to ask the question: How and why did that happen?

The problem was I could not come up with any good answers. So that is when I decided to do what any normal adult male with five children and a full time job would do: I got Natty Light wasted until I eventually came up with two reasons why the people stopped reading this blog.

Here is what I came up with:

1 - Everyone who has ever been tricked into clicking on a link to this blog finally decided that they would rather be broke -- and not have the best NFL picks on the internet -- then read one more poorly written blog with lame ass joke about The Informer getting drunk and calling NFL teams trash.

Or . . .

2 - The rulers of the flat Earth -- aka Vegas -- saw that I am the Shane McMahon of NFL Handicapping (25-4 against the spread the past two weeks) and got so tired of losing money that they paid the internet to hide all links to my blog.

Now, call me crazy, but looking at the options I gotta say that I find it hard to believe anyone would voluntarily give up free money just because they don't like my jokes, or my lack of ability to properly use punctuation?

I mean giving up free money for any reason would be asinine, right?

Think about it this way: If someone said "Hey go to this Nickelback concert they are giving out millions of dollars to everyone who listens to all their songs in one night." Would you in turn say "No I hate Nickelback music so I will turn down the free money?"

The answer is hella no.

You would rock your face off listening to How You Remind Me and then spend your free money on Natty Light and hookers (for those not into booze and ladies of the night, maybe you would give some money to charity and then go to church). Either way, you would put your hate for Nickelback aside and go to the damn concert where they are handing out free money.

Just like everyone on the internet would put their hate for The Informer aside in order to get the best free NFL picks money can buy.

So, since option one is not really logical when you break it down, that means the only logical reason a 30 pack of Natty Light has more beers then my blog had views last week; was because Vegas and the internet are determined to keep you the people from seeing these picks and winning free money.

Now, I know what you are all thinking right now: "If Vegas and Sandra Bullock are teaming up to keep these picks from the people then there is literally nothing we can do to stop them."

To that I say "not so fast my friends."

You see, no matter how hard they try, Vegas can't control us if we all work together. Which is why this week after you get done reading -- and making your bets -- please make sure to share the link to this article on Twitter, Facebook, Medium, Pornhub, Linkedin, SnapFace, InstaCocaine and where ever else kids are hanging out at these days.

In the end, if we all do our part we can conquer the evil Vegas empire. And best of all, once we take them down, we will be filthy rich from illegal gambling winnings.

#SpreadTheWord

Pick: Lions (+5.5)


Kansas City Chiefs @ Cleveland Browns (+8)

85% of the people are betting the Kansas City Chiefs on the road a week after they defeated one of their biggest rivals. That means if you want to follow the gambling rules the only bet you can make this week is on the Browns (+8).

Me personally; I am not going to follow the gambling logic. Not because I am some kind of gambling rebel who does things his own way, no the reason I am not following the rules is because after 15 Natty Lights I still couldn't find the courage to type the word "Browns".

Pick: Chiefs (-8)


Pittsburgh Steelers @ Baltimore Ravens (-3)

Baltimore already beat the Steelers once this season, which means it is the Steelers turn to beat the Ravens. That is how the NFL writers say this rivalry works. And since it is the Steelers turn to win, I have no other choice but to grab the points and bet the road team.

Pick: Steelers (+3)


Tampa Bay @ Carolina Panthers (-6)

The Panthers are 4-0 overall and 3-1 ATS at home this season. Tampa Bay on the other hand is 1-3 on the road. In other words; I am using some really advanced metric stats the laymen people would not understand to make this pick.

Pick: Panthers (-6)


New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins (-2.5)

There are a 10 things I know to be 100 percent true facts about this life. 1) Dinosaurs are not real. 2) Al Gore created the internet. 3) The Earth is flat. 4) Natty Light. 5) Blimpies is the only sandwich store that matters. 6) Moss is boss. 7) Tom Brady is Goat. 8) Aaron Rodgers is not goat. 9) ESPN should bring Chris Berman and Tom Jackson back to do NFL Primetime 10) There is no way on Tim Tebow's Green Earth I will watch one single second of this abortion the NFL is trying to pass of as a football game.

And since there is no reason to waste anymore time thinking about the Jets-Dolphins, how about we hand out this week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week . . .

#You know Jon Gruden definitely tried to trade the short fat kid on the right for a future draft pick.

Pick: Dolphins (-2.5)


Atlanta Falcons @ Washington (-2)

I think the Atlanta Falcons are the better team. I think the Falcons are going to win this game out right. I think I am going to make the Falcons my Lion King Lock of the Week. And I think if you or anyone you know has a problem with that then I got five words for ya: "I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!!!"

Pick: Falcons (+2) Lion King Lock of the Week

Chicago Bears @ Buffalo Bills (+10)

Nathan Peterman is starting quarterback for the Buffalo Bills.

Please re-read that last sentence again before gambling today.

Pick: Bears (-10)
Houston Texans @ Denver Broncos (-1)

 Los Angeles Chargers @ Seattle HGHawks (+1)

 Los Angeles Rams @ New Orleans Saints (-1.5)

My three favorite types of dogs in this world are: 1) Hot dogs smothered in ketchup. 2) Road dogs who are also the better team. 3) Home dogs who play in Seattle.

And I guess, since I am all out of ketchup, it looks like the only dogs I have left to love this week are the two road dogs (Texans & Rams) who are the better team and the one home dog who plays in Seattle.

Pick: Rams (+1.5) HGHawks (+1) Texans (+1)
Green Bay Rodgers @ New England Patriots (-6)

I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Bet the first half over . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Follow The Informer on Twitter . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Julio Jones still has not caught a TD pass . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Am I really going to bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime? . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I put ketchup on my steak today . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . Is anyone still reading this? . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime!!!

Anyways, just so my intentions are crystal clear Pepsi, I am not going to bet against Tom Brady in Primetime.

Pick: Patriots (-6)


Tennessee Titans @ Dallas Cowboys (-+6.5)

When you have two mediocre teams playing against each other you must always take the points. These are the rules set forth during the 1928 Geneva Gambling convention. Therefore, since the Cowboys & Titans are both mediocre, I have no choice but to grab the points and hope the Tennessee Titans miss another two point conversion with no time remaining to cover.

Pick: Titans (+6.5)


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