Sunday, January 27, 2008

Its the 75th SAG Awards

Lets do a little Bill Simmons running diary of the SAG Awards on TNT, with some updates from the Royal Rumble.

The Informer is not sure what the SAG awards are but Bragelina is here, and Britney Spears was not invited, so it must be important.

6:47- We are currently watching the pregame show on E. Glenn Close is on the screen talking about Johnny Depp, hopefully this will lead to Fatal Attraction II where Close falls head over heels psycho for Edward Scissor Hands. Hey, If Martin Luther can have a dream, so can the Informer.

6:50- Current movies the Informer can chose to watch during SAG commercials include: National Treasure, Titanic, The Longest Yard, and of course the Fox Movie channel is showing the Power Rangers Movie. There is a chance we may have to cut this diary short.

6:52-What would be better?

Having Snoop Dogg as your father, or Hugh Hefner as your boyfriend, find out tonight on E.

6:54- My buddy Zesty just bought a Nic Cage triology in honor of the Informers move down to Missouri. One can only hope the movies are Snake Eyes, Con Air, and Face Off.

6:56 Four minutes away from the start of the Royal Rumble. Unfortunately, the Informer will not be watching this year’s production. But, for the sake of fun, Triple H will win the Rumble, Randy Orton will defeat Jeff Hardy, and Hornswoggle, the Irish little guy, will spend the evening going in and out of the Rumble match without being eliminated because he will go under the bottom rope.

7:05- Steve Carrell and Tina Fey are on the screen, is it okay to think Fey is hot.

7:07- The winner of the Best Actor in a Drama award is…Tony Soprano. If this night turns into a Sopranos love fest I guarantee this diary will be cut short.

7:08- John Travolta is on the screen with some chick that probably should not be.

7:09- I will not be watching the movie Hairspray now or anytime in my life.

7:11- Surprise, Eddie, or is it Eedie, Falco of the Sopranos wins best female actress in a Drama. The Informer can’t be to upset because he hasn’t seen any of the other nominee’s shows.

7:15- Just read that Stephanie McMahon doesn’t want Jeff Hardy to win the title tonight at the Rumble. What a surprise, you mean the daughter of the owner and wife of the WWE’s biggest star doesn’t want someone who is not her husband to win the title.

7:16- Who exactly is Blair Underwood. Never heard of him, but he is on the screen right now.

7:19- The Screen Actors Guild was created in 1933, the same year Hugh Hefner lost his virginity. The Girls Next Doors should be very proud of themselves.

7:23- Best cast in a TV show is about to be announced, I swear if the Sopranos wins over Boston Legal the Informer will snap.

7:23- This sucks. I know the Sopranos is an awesome show blah blah blah, but why even do the damn award show if it is going to be one long Sopranos tribute.

7:24- On the bright side there are now twenty people on stage with the same goofy smile.

7:26- Rumble update, Ric Flair kept his career alive with a victory over United States Champion M.V.P. Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

7:28- Man the Informer needs to start watching movies again. Michael Clayton, No Country for Old Men, and the Assassination of Jesse James, all movies the Informer has not seen.

7:29- James Gandolfini wins the award for best supporting actor in a movie, surprisingly he was not even in a movie this past year. God, I love the Sopranos.

7:30- Some guy from No Country For Old Men actually won the award, even though he couldn’t speak English.

7:31- What is so wrong about having sex with your boss, in the coat room, while someone films it. Tune in to TBS to find out the answer.

7:32- Stop with the Slim Fast commercials, the Informer gets it, he is fat. Now let me enjoy my baked potato in peace (How do you spell potato, that just doesn’t look right).

7:37- Okay, its true the Informer is attracted to Ugly Betty.

7:38- Tina Fey wins best female actor in a comedy series. And yes its official, she is FINE!

7:41- Alec Baldwin gets the award for comedy actor in a series, barely beating out that Monk guy. Let the Informer be very clear, Monk is not funny.

7:42- Add American Gangster to movies the Informer needs to watch. Man, I probably should not be doing this blog, since I haven’t seen any of the movies being nominated. Where is the award for Adam Sandler’s I know Pronounce you Chuck and Larry.

7:44- Do people still watch Desperate Housewives?

7:48- The Office wins best cast for a comedy series. Add watch The Office, to the Informers list of things to do in 2008, along with find a job.

7:49- JBL beats Jericho via the DQ in the always entertaining, who the hell cares match of the night.

Since we are on a commercial break, a quick recommendation to the one reader of the Informer’s blog. Go to Adam Carolla’s website and start listening to his radio show. He is the new age Howard Stern, only if Stern was funny.

7:56- Dennis Leary is paying tribute to the guy who played his dad on Rescue Me. Its starting to get a little dusty in the Informers parent’s basement.

8:03- Note to self, watch the movie, Best Little Whore House In Texas. That’s a porno right?

8:06- Seriously, when did my mom stop dusting in the basement. What a tribute.

Quick Family Guy break be back in a bit.

8:30- Touching tribute to the actors who have passed in the last year, no joke here, just a nice montage.

8:32- Zesty’s twin brother Edge retains his title beating Rey Mysterio, hopefully this leads to another live sex show on Raw from the Rated R Superstar.

8:34- The Informer’s internet is having problems, which means no more Rumble updates. My one reader is going to be devastated.

8:38- Some chick named Rubee Dee wins an award for best actress in something, not quite sure what it was for, the Informer accidently got caught up in the Power Rangers Movie. It’s Morphin Time.

8:51-Daniel Day Lewis wins award for best actor in another movie the Informer has never heard of.

8:56- Julie Christy wins best female actor. Who the hell is Julie Christy?

8:57- Quick observation: the chick from Juno is extremely good looking on TV in real life.

9:00- Tom Cruise makes an appearance. Should the Informer make the joke that Cruise is here because of his ability to change a tire, or is he here because he has the authority to get Americans off of drugs.

9:01- No Country For Old Men wins best cast for a motion picture. Wish I could agree, but again my movie watching has apparently been non-existent this past year.

9:03- I think Woody Harrelson is actually stoned out of his mind, someone better get Tom back on the stage.

9:04- Wow, what a waste of two hours. Goodnight Now!

Monday, January 21, 2008

A Movie Thing

Let the Informer pose a question.
If you were going to be stuck on an island for the rest of your life which ten DVD’s would you take?

Here’s the catch, you have to have the same actor in all ten. Say you’re a big Fight Club fan and can’t live on an Island without it, then you would need to find nine other Brad Pitt or Edward Norton movies to take with you.

Three Ground Rules
1. All sequels and trilogies count as one movie. So Die Hard 1-4 is only one Bruce Willis movie.
2. No matter how dreamy you may think he is, anyone who stars in Elizabethtown can no longer be taken seriously as an actor, and is therefore disqualified from the competition, sorry Orlando Bloom.
3. You can’t take a supporting actor; it has to be a main stream star. Trust me, the Informer was thinking very hard about taking ten Brian Cox films. Cox is the police chief in Super Troopers; he also plays roles in Troy, The Bourne Trilogy, and Braveheart.

Before we break down and find out which actor’s movies the Informer will be spending eternity with, there were a few surprise omissions.

The Informer left George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Denzel Washington of his list. Surprisingly, Clooney and Washington didn’t have ten movies a piece that the Informer could justify taking to the island.

As for Leo and Depp, they just have too many political Hollywood movies (Sweeney Todd, Gangs of New York). Unfortunately, this means the Informer is going to the Island without his favorite movie character ever, no not Gilbert Grape, but Captain Jack Sparrow.

Finally, for the sake of the blog, the Informer decided that Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro were not allowed to participate.

On to the list:

Brad Pitt
The chosen:
Legends of the Fall, A River Runs Through It, Seven, Sleepers, Fight Club, Snatch, Spy Game, Ocean’s Trilogy, Troy, Mr. and Mrs. Smith

As much as I want Brad Pitt and his movies, I can not in my mind justify leaving Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. Yea Jolie is hot in a slutty, maybe she is a porn star kinda way, but you don’t leave the hot girl next door chick, for someone who once made out with her own brother.

I am sorry Mr. Pitt, but the Informer must draw a line somewhere, even if it is incest.

Will Smith
The chosen:
Bad Boys 1-2, Independence Day, Men in Black 1-2, Wild Wild West, Enemy of the State, Ali, I Robot, Hitch, The Pursuit of Happiness, I Am Legend

Will was on his way to winning this challenge.

Then he threw his hat in with Tom Cruise and the Scientology crew.
Sorry, but when you try and defend a cult that claims that Scientologists, unlike other people, are uniquely able to stop on the side of the road and help accident victims, and that they are the moral authority on getting people off of drugs, then you are no longer able to join the Informer on his island.

Someone please tell Will to step away from the cult. We already lost Joey Potter to Tom’s unique way of craziness, but please not the Fresh Prince.

Matt Damon
The Chosen:
Courage Under Fire, Good Will Hunting, Saving Private Ryan, Rounders, All The Pretty Horses, Ocean’s Trilogy, The Bourne Trilogy, The Brother’s Grimm, The Good Shepherd , The Departed

Damon's resume is about as good as the Informer could ask for. Unfortunately, The Brother’s Grimm, The Good Shepherd, and Courage Under Fire are stretches. The Informer enjoys these movies, but for the rest of his life could he put up with them just so he can watch Jason Bourne play poker.

Billy Bob Thorton
Ok, the only reason he would be on this list is the Halle Berry scene, but that’s a damn good reason.

Bruce Willis
The chosen:
Pulp Fiction, Die Hard 1-4, The Jackal, Armageddon, The Sixth Sense, The Whole Nine and Ten Yards, Bandits, Sin City, Lucky Number Sleven, Hostage

The M.V.P. of this list is not detective John McClane. No it is the Asteroid fighting Harry Stamper. If it wasn’t for the list being forced, the Informer hasn’t even seen Sin City, Bruce would probably be going to the Island.

Adam Sandler
The Chosen:
Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Wedding Singer, Bullet Proof, The Waterboy, Big Daddy, Mr. Deeds, Anger Management, Reign Over Me, I know Pronounce you Chuck and Larry

The Informer absolutely loves Adam Sandler.

But he is not the winner,

The Winner is. . .

Super Troopers

Screw the rules, the Informer only needs one movie for the rest of his life.