Ladies and gentlemen, The Informer is not going to lie; he is freaking excited. After three weeks of the 2015 NFL Season your favorite sports writer has posted a career best 31-16-2 (including last night’s push) record against the spread.
Now, just to put my record into perspective, here is a list of how The Informer stacks up with some of the "National Experts" (Their records are on the far right) . . .
Setting aside the fact that the graphic looks like complete dog sh*t, if you look closely you will notice that out of all the "National Experts" (from Grantland, Yahoo, Five-Thirty-Six, CBS, USA Today, Fox, etc.) who make weekly picks against the spread; there is not a single person who has a better record than The Informer's 31-16-2.
That is not a typo folks. The simple truth when it comes to handicapping the NFL is this: If you are looking for the best picks money can buy then The Informer is your Huckleberry.
Anyways, which means please do not interrupt The Informer while he is stroking his own ego and watching Tombstone clips, now that we got all the "look at me bragging" out of the way: How about we crack open the Natties and get on with Week 4 of The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks Challenge?
BALTIMORE RAVENS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (+3)
Here is what The Informer tweeted out Thursday morning before the world found out Josh Scobee is a double agent for the Baltimore Ravens . . .
I am betting Pittsburgh +3 tonight...And also taking the under 21.5 for the first half #LetsDoThisPittsburgh— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 1, 2015
Needless to say, Josh Scobee as a "football player" -- The Informer is sure he is a nice human being -- is a no good motherless mother ****** #TheInformerHatesYourStinkingGuts!!!
Moving on from the Scobee boning, The Informer would like to point out that the first half under in Prime-time is now 8-2 on the year. For you non math majors, that means it is hitting a staggering 80% of the time. In other words, make sure you adjust your fake illegal wagers accordingly in New Orleans and Seattle this weekend.
Pick: Steelers (+3 PUSH)
NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (IN LONDON +3)
Here is my dilemma: Normally on Sundays, The Informer runs home from working the night shift, chugs five Natty Lights, then takes a three hour nap in order to wake up for the noon games. It is a tried and true routine that has worked well for the past three seasons.
The problem this Sunday is the fact that there is a NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE game being played at 8:30am Central time.
So the question becomes: Should The Informer stay up (without a cat nap) to watch the Jets-Dolphins while trying to chug Natties for 14 hours straight after working the overnight shift? Or should The Informer take into consideration that this game features Ryan Fitzpatrick and the New York Jets (boring) and skip it all together while sticking to the normal Sunday routine?
Talk about a conundrum (How in the hell do you spell conundrum?).
"Hey Informer: Why don’t you just call in sick to work? That way you can get some sleep on Saturday night, but still be able to wake up and start crushing Natties at 8:30 while not missing any football action. That is your best option as an alcoholic football fan. Oh and by the way, even a blind mice gets lucky with their picks every once in awhile; so don’t get used to the success because you are bound to come crashing back down to Earth. You want to know why? Because you suck . . . You jackass."
Well . . . Other than the last part, which was really mean-spirited and rude, the figment of The Informer’s imagination has a great idea. Now I guess the question becomes: Which one of The Informer's five kids is going to get the flu on Saturday #WorkExcuses.
Pick: Dolphins (+3)
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-9)
Dear Colts fans who are upset about the nightmare that is your offensive line right now, please keep in mind that it could be worse; you could be trapped in this elevator . . .
Pick: Jags (+9)
(Editor's Note - This pick was originally Colts -9, but with Andrew Luck not playing I am changing the pick to Jags +9. For the sake of having accurate picks, I have embedded the tweet that proves my change of mind took place before the game. Sorry for the confusion.)
Andrew Luck is not playing...Means I am changing my pick to Jags +9— The Informer (@therealinformer) October 4, 2015
HOUSTON TEXANS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-6)
Do you all remember in last week’s article how The Informer wrote a gushing section about Antonio Brown and how the guy was on pace for over 2,000 yards receiving and a historically great season? And then the next day Brown’s quarterback got injured followed by Brown’s NFL record streak of 35 straight games with at least 5 receptions and 50 yards getting snapped in his first game without the RoethlisDoubleBaconCheeseberger?
Yea . . . Because of the above scenario, The Informer is going to decline comment on this game and any participants involved who may or may not be having a historically great start to the 2015 NFL Season #TheInformerJinxIsReal.
Pick: Texans (+6)
CAROLINA PANTHERS @ TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (+3)
Shhh . . . Don’t tell Vegas the Carolina Panthers are a really good football team and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are a pile of worthless sh*t #LionKingLockOfTheWeek.
Pick: LKLOTW Panthers (-3)
NEW YORK GIANTS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-5)
The last time The Informer was excited to watch a Bills-Giants game this happened . . .
Anyways, which now means please don’t interrupt The Informer while he is getting death threats from every single person in the greater Buffalo area, The Informer is thinking Da Bills are going to circle the wagons while riding Tyrod "The Cannon" Taylor’s arm to some sweet-sweet revenge 24-years later.
Pick: Bills (-5)
OAKLAND RAIDERS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3)
The Informer swears to "Tebow" he almost made the Raiders his Lion King Lock of the Week. To answer the next question: No . . . The Informer was not drunk when he wrote that sentence.
Pick: Raiders (-3)
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (+3)
If The Informer ever bets that dumpster fire Kirk Cousins again you all have the right to kick me squarely in the d*ck. Seriously, that dude is the scum between The Informer's toes.
Pick: Washington (+3)
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ CINNCINATI BENGALS (-4)
As Kevin Costner once said, you ride a trend until she bucks you, or you don't ride at all. And right now there is no better gambling ride than a Red-Hot (& Headed) Andy Dalton at home giving less than a touchdown.
Pick: Bengals (-4)
CLEVELAND BROWNS @ SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (-7.5)
Next . . .
Pick: Chargers (-7.5)
GREEN BAY PACKERS @ SAN FRACISCO 49ERS (+8)
The Green Bay Packers are on a short week, after winning a huge Monday Night game, they are traveling to the West coast, 80% of the public is betting on them to cover and they are playing against a quarterback they have never beaten (Kaepernick is 3-0 all-time against Rodgers).
Basically, all the normal gambling rules say to bet against Green Bay this week. Then again, all of the normal gambling rules don’t take into consideration that the Packers will be starting the 2X NFL MVP Aaron Rodgers against the team that passed on taking him in the 2005 NFL Draft in favor of Alex Smith.
The Informer is sorry he is not sorry, but at this point in time if you bet against Aaron Rodgers you are a moron.
Pick: Packers (-8)
MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-6.5)
According to the National Media Peyton Manning is old; washed up; not capable of throwing a pigskin; has to eat his Blimpies with dentures; has to use a wheel chair to pick up his legalized "hippie lettuce"; is paralyzed from the waist down; has erectile dysfunction; he can't feel his arms; his left leg is missing; rigor mortis has set in; and that he has actually been in a coma for the last four seasons.
Now, despite all of those things going against him, The Informer has no choice but to once again back Manning and his Laser-Rocket-Duck-Launcher.
Pick: Donkeys (-6.5)
ST LOUIS RAMS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-7)
Remember how Vegas likes to build Casinos and not give away money to public bettors? Well, because of that fact, The Informer needs to point out that 86% of the public is betting Arizona on Sunday.
Listen, The Informer thinks the Cards will dominate the entire game and win, but somehow, some way, Vegas/St. Louis is going to backdoor cover on Sunday; which means you have to bet the Rams.
"Hey idiot, don't you remember your own rule about never betting against a Bruce Arians coached team at home? And are you seriously going to take Nick Foles on the road against the hottest offense in football? Man, you really are fatter and stupider than I originally thought."
You know what? The made up people in The Informer's head are right. The number one gambling rule for 2015 is that you never bet against Bruce Arians and the Arizona Cardinals when they are playing at home. Forget about the new Casinos and just listen to Bud Kilmer on Sunday #StickToTheBasics.
Pick: Cardinals (-7)
DALLAS COWBOYS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3)
Did you know the last time the Saints played a Sunday night game in October they beat the Green Bay Packers? Did you also know since that time they have lost six straight games in the SuperDome? Well, as The Informer has always said, when your team can’t win a home game the best remedy for the problem is to schedule an appearance by Brandon Weeden.
With a healthy Drew Brees back in the lineup, the Saints will get their first win of the season.
Pick: Saints (-3)
DETROIT LIONS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-10)
At some point Matthew Stafford is going to realize that he has "The Shredder" Calvin Johnson on his team, right?
Pick: Lions (+10)
And on that note, if you will please excuse me, The Informer has three weeks worth of fake illegal gambling money that needs to be wasted on Blimpies, Natties, Gator Boots and the pimped out Gucci suits . . .
#StillFly #BigTymers #NFLPicks #WinnerWinnerBlimpiesDinner #HaveAGreatWeek4
2015 RECORD: 31-16-2