Saturday, December 24, 2016

The Informer's Christmas Mailbag and Week 16 NFL Picks

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to The Informer’s Christmas Mailbag and Week 16 NFL Picks. As always, please keep in mind that almost all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q:Mr. Informer why is your article not getting posted to The Schmozone this week? Did they finally realize you were an overweight talent-less hack before canning your ass?
Here is the deal; as I am writing this there are only a few hours until kickoff and I don’t have internet access without turning my wife’s cell phone into a mobile hotspot -- which cost me upwards of $10 for every twenty minutes it is on – so by virtue of lack of time and internet, I decided that the best way to get The Informer’s Week 16 NFL Picks article published was by using my old website.
This way the picks still get posted before kickoff to keep their integrity intact, my boss does not have to hustle edit one of my articles (it is not an easy job considering The Informer has no idea how grammar and punctuation actually work) and most of all I can get as drunk as humanly possible and say whatever the hell I want because absolutely no one is going to waste their time reading on Christmas Eve.
So to answer the question; no I was not fired for being an overweight talent-less hack. I am still a proud Schmo, we are just taking a detour for this Holiday weekend.

Q: If a drunk middle aged blogger is 40 games over .500 when it comes to picking NFL games against the spread, but not a single person knows about said record because nobody on the face of the Earth reads this complete trash you call a blog, does it really count?
Let me counter your question with a question: If a tree falls over in the middle of an empty forest and nobody is around, was it still kicked over by Chuck Norris?

Q: Informer what in the hell are you talking about? Do you think Chuck Norris just goes around kicking down trees? Your analogy makes zero sense as usual. With that said, are you really 40 games over .500? How is that even possible? Aren't you supposed to be a drunk rambling moron?
Well, technically The Informer is 41 games over .500, but who is counting? And as for as how it is possible, I would just like to remind the world that through Tim Tebow anything is possible.
Q: Hey Informer, do you think the Dallas Cowboys offensive line should win the 2016 NFL MVP?
Is that a serious question? Are you on drugs or just plain f****** stupid? For f*** sakes man. It is called Most Valuable "Player" award. Not Players. Or Unit. Or Offense. Or team. It is an individual award. Which means that it must go to an individual f****** player. I mean cheesus f******* cripes man, who comes up with these asinine ideas/questions/theories?
Q: If the Dallas Cowboys offensive line is not the answer, then who is the 2016 NFL MVP?
Ezekiel Elliot, duh. He is the best player, on the best team, and has the numbers and big plays to back up him winning the award.
Q: But Elliot does not even have the best numbers for a running back. That would be David Johnson. So how is Johnson not the MVP?
Well, if you replaced Elliot with say Darren McFadden would the Cowboys be 12-2 and the 1st seed in the NFC right now? The answer is no. But if you replaced David Johnson with Darren McFadden would the Arizona Cardinals still be a team in the race for a Top 10 NFL Draft pick? The answer is probably. Therefore, because Johnson is a good stats bad team guy, he can’t be the MVP.
Q: Informer your logic makes no sense whatsoever. You just said that the award is based on individual performance and then said Elliot wins the award over Johnson because he has a better team. Can you please explain why you are contradicting yourself?
I guess the lesson as always is I am an alcoholic.
Q: Informer what is your all-time favorite Christmas movie?
With all due respect to Christmas Vacation, Die Hard, ELF, Bad Santa, A Very Brady Christmas, Charlie Brown, Prancer, Santa With Muscles, Tim Allen’s The Santa Claus, Jingle All the Way, One Night in Paris, Lethal Weapon, Ernest Saves Christmas, Scrooged, Miracle on 34th Street, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and A Christmas Story; I have to say that my favorite Christmas movie ever is Home Alone.
Q: Informer did you really put One Night in Paris on your favorite Christmas movie list? Isn’t that the X-rated porno starring Paris Hilton?
Ummmm . . . It was a typo? I mean, I was just checking to see who was still reading. Yea that works better. I was just checking to see if anyone was still reading. I was in no way saying that the Paris Hilton *** tape is one of my favorite Holiday movies.

Q: Hey Informer, do you remember the best Christmas you ever had?
You bet I do. In fact here are my Top 3 Christmas’ in order.
  1. Xmas 1994 – Santa gave me roller blades, a Super Nintendo and the Super Nintendo version of Tecmo Super Bowl football.
  2. Xmas 1997 – Also known as the year Santa gave me my first Randy Moss #84 Vikings jersey; which I still have and wear by the way.
  3. Xmas 1990 – Santa hooked me up with a Joe Montana jersey, football pants and a 49ers plastic helmet. This was also the year that my pops started a lifelong Christmas tradition by giving me my first box of 1990 Pro Set football cards (FYI - - Sunday will mark the 27th straight year my Pops has given me football cards for Christmas).
Q: Dear Mr. Informer, did you know that every NFL game that has scored over 33 points in the first half has then went on to stay under the projected second half line this season? You have to check it out and spread the word to your degenerate readers.
I obviously have no way on Earth to fact check to see if this is an accurate stat or not, but there have now been two people who have brought this phenomena to my attention, so I am going to go ahead and say it has to be true and therefore I must pass the info along to my fellow reader (yes singular).
Q: Informer I am told you are currently sitting fifth place in your NFL Super Picks contest, which begs the question: How in the blue hell are you the best NFL picks guy on the internet but you can’t even win your own Super Picks contest?
To answer the first question; the reason I am in fifth is because the first three weeks of the season I decided to spot the competition a lead in order to make it more interesting. So basically I decided I would start 2-13 just to see if I can come back to win because I like to challenge myself to be better than the rest.
(The Informer note – Other than the 2-13 record nothing about the above paragraph was true. I didn’t start 2-13 on purpose. I did it because I was really bad at picking games the first three weeks of the season. And now I have to go 10-0 in order to finish in the Top 2. So I guess to really answer the first question, I would have to say it is all Obama’s fault.)
Q: Informer can you please wrap this up with your Week 16 NFL Picks so we can all go pretend to spend the holidays with our families?
That sounds good to me. Here are the picks.
I don't even need to share my proof of picks tweet, because I took the Giants like a fat stupid idiot.
Pick: Giants (-2.5)
The Redskins have to win out in order to have a chance at the postseason. The Bears have zero chance at the postseason and are simply playing for pride and a Matt Barkley contract extension. Seems like a no brainer to me.
Pick: Skins (-3)
If believing Matt “The Gunslinger” Moore can’t go into Buffalo and lose by less than 3.5 points is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.
Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)
The 2016 New Orleans Saints should not be favored over a team that has won five of its last six games. It is that simple.
Pick: Tampa (+3)
I am following the little known rule that says: “Always bet against the non-playoff team who is coming off of a huge Monday Night football victory -- and thus is due for a letdown on Christmas weekend -- against a team that has a chance to lock up their division and is also supposed to be getting Julio Jones back healthy for the first time in three weeks.”
Pick: Falcons (-2.5)
Sam Bradford getting less than a touchdown on the road in Lambeau? Sign me up Scotty.
Pick: Packers (-6.5)
Bryce Petty getting less than 3 touchdowns on the road in Foxborough? Sign me up Scottie.
Pick: Patriots (-16.5)
The Browns and Jags giving less than a touchdown to actual NFL teams? Sign me up Scottee.
Pick: Chargers (-6) & Titans (-5)
Does anyone else think it is a gosh damn travesty that Andrew Luck is going to comeback from a lacerated kidney and lead the gawd awful Colts to 8 or 9 wins, while throwing for 4,000 yards, and yet he is not going to win the 2016 NFL Comeback Player of the Year Award because the National Media hates giving Andrew Luck awards?

And no, I am not just asking this because I may or may not have bet my 2001 Cadillac on Luck winning said award. 
Pick: Colts (+3.5)
In the semi-changed words of Will Ferrell pretending to be Alex Trebek on SNL’s Celebrity Jeopardy: “And the NFL has reached a new low.”
Pick: Rams (-3.5)
Here is my exact strategy on why I am taking the Seattle HGHawks in this game: On Thursday morning a Hawk tried to suicide bomb my dining room window, but instead of dying he knocked himself out cold for ten minutes. Then, after ten minutes of not moving, he slowly got to his feet, looked around, and then flew off to presumably go find another window to attack.
Now, if that is not a sign from the Tebow’s that The Informer must take the Hawks in Week 16, than I don’t know what is.
Pick: Seattle (-7.5)
I am taking the Houston Texans solely based on the fact that I have been watching Macho Man Tom Savage interviews on Youtube all week and I think the guy is a real charismatic leader who will be a huge upgrade over that trash bag they have been starting the previous 14 weeks.

I mean seriously, watch this interview and tell me that you wouldn’t run through a wall for the Macho Man Tom Savage:
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
Pick: Macho Man Tom Savage (-1)
If this game is not decided by a last second field goal than I do not know anything about football.
Pick: Ravens (+5.5)
I really want to bet the Donkeys, because I love getting that half of a point, but one of the basic gambling rules that I follow simply states: “When the defense for the defending Super Bowl champs start complaining about how awesome they are, but how bad the offense sucks, to the point that there is almost a fist fight in the locker room --you must not bet that team on the road on Christmas night.”
Pick: Chiefs (-3.5)
If Detroit loses they are out of the playoff. If Detroit wins they control their own destiny. If Dallas loses they are still the number one seed and potentially hosting two playoff games in January. If Dallas wins they are still the number one seed and potentially hosting two playoff games in January.
Do you all see what I am getting at here?
Pick: Lions (+7)

That is a wrap y'all. I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah and most of all a wonderful holiday season filled with family, friends and winning parlays.

Records include Thursday Night Football