Saturday, September 30, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 4

Here is The Informer’s proof of pick tweet:
Pick: Packers (-7)

Over the past Fortnight I have been Sod Off by the fact that I am a Tosser who has Lost the Plot when it comes to picking Bloody NFL games. Hell, I have been Cocking Up so badly by handing out Crusty Dragon picks that I was actually thinking about quitting in order to become a Chap-Scrubber On the Pull for Starker Daft-Cows who don’t know the difference between their Knackers and Strawberry Creams.

But then I realized quitting would make me a complete Axe Wound who should be forced to Go to Her Majesty’s Pleasure just like all the Pounces that Filch from the Khazi Slappers who give you Nookie for money. So, because I didn’t want to be a complete Areshole Axe Wound, I decided I am going to get back to being Aces by betting against The Dog’s Dinner Plastered Jay Cutler.

Now, don’t get your Knickers in a Twist Miami fans, I love the Plastered one as much as the next guy, but the fact remains this Miami Dolphins offense is going to See a Man about a Dog on Sunday; which means they will not be Up for it against the high scoring Saints offense.

Again, I am not arse over tit for this pick, but Before you Bite your Arm off, please keep in mind the Dolphins -- who are playing their third straight road game -- have been All fur coat and no knickers in 2017 so I have no choice but to Leg over the points and take Drew Brees while making myself a couple of Easy-peasy Quids.  

Bob's your uncle. 

Pick: Saints (-3)
(After the pick bonus reason to take Saints: Remember back in 2006 when Drew Brees wanted to sign with the Miami Dolphins, but the Dolphins thought Daunte Culpepper was a better QB? Yea, in the gambling business I like to call slights like “Daunte Culpepper is better than the only guy in NFL history to have multiple 5,000 yard passing seasons” extra motivation. Also, here is a link if you would like to decipher exactly what I said above.)



Now that we got the London game behind us, here is a new section of the blog that I like to call "I am betting three road dogs because I am a f***ing moron who drinks too much". 

Pick: Giants (+3) Eagles (+1.5) Bills +7.5)
I don't ever bet against the Hall of Famer Dak Prescott at home. Especially when they are playing a team who 10 days ago gave up 39 points to Brian Hoyer and the San Francisco 49ers. 
Pick: Cowboys (-6.5)
Here are five Scientific facts that prove everyone needs to bet the Minnesota Vikings at home on Sunday:

  • The Earth is not round, it is a trapezoid.
  • Dinosaurs were invented by Stephen Spielberg.
  • Water makes you weak. 
  • The Ailiens built the Eiffel Tower in 1974.
  • Case "The Gunslinger" Keenum is the greatest quarterback who has ever lived.

  • You literally can't argue with Science folks. 

    Pick: Vikings (-2.5)
    For the first time in the history of my life, I am picking against Tom Brady in back to back weeks. In other words: The bluest of blue hells are officially freezing over. 
    Pick: Panthers (+9)
    NFL gambling rule 312 clearly states "when Blake Bortles is a road favorite you grab the points no questions asked". 
    Pick: Jets (+3.5) 
    Pick: LKLOTW Bengals (-3)
    This game is going to be won by a last second field goal, so I am going to grab the home underdog and hope that field goal comes from Justin Tucker. 
    Pick: Ravens (+3)

    If the Tennessee Titans are going to win the AFC South, then they eventually have to beat the Houston Texans for the first time in Marcus Mariotta's career.
    Pick: Titans (-1.5)
    In the name of completely ignoring this absolute abortion the NFL is calling a football game . . . Here is the Blimpies Best meme of the Week:
    Pick: Cardinals (-6.5)
    The Informer's joke of the Week:

    Q: If you are driving down the road and see an Oakland Raider riding a bike why do you make sure not to hit him? 

    A: It is probably your bike. 

    via GIPHY
    Pick: Donkeys (-2.5)
    Well, since this is quite possibly the worst Sunday Night game in the history of the NFL, now seems like the perfect time to share with the world my Week 4 NFL Super Picks contest selections and my money-line parlay of the week. 

    Super Picks: Green Bay (-7) Bengals (-3) Dallas (-6.5) Seattle (-13) Kansas City (-6.5)

    Money-Line Parlay: Patriots, Cowboys, Bengals, Ravens, Falcons & Chiefs (10 to win 90)

    Pick: HGHawks (-13)
    Did you know? 

    • Eric Dickerson ran for an NFL rookie record 1,804 yards in 1983. 
    • Only four rookies in NFL history have rushed for over 1,600 yards in a season (Dickerson, George Rogers, Alfred Morris and Ottis "My Man" Anderson).
    • Alfred Morris is the only rookie to rush for over 1,600 yards since 1983. 
    • In 1984, during his second season as a pro, Eric Dickerson set the NFL record with 2,105 rushing yards. 

    I am sharing these stats so I can point out that Kansas City rookie phenom Kareem Hunt -- who is the only player in NFL history to start his career with at least one 50-yard TD in each of his first three games -- has 401 yards rushing through three games. 

    For you math majors; that puts Hunt on pace to not only become the fifth rookie in NFL history to break 1,600 yards rushing, but he is also on pace for 2,139 yards which would break the all-time rookie record and the NFL record for most rushing yards in a season.

    Now, I am not saying Hunt is going to keep this up, but I am saying that through three NFL Weeks the Chiefs rookie is my 2017 NFL MVP. 
    And since Hunt is my MVP, I have no choice but to follow the "never bet against a future 2017 NFL MVP at home in his first Monday Night Football game" rule. 

    Pick: Chiefs (-6.5)

    Sunday, September 24, 2017

    The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 3

    Sorry ladies and gentlemen but unfortunately
    due to family obligations and alcoholism, there will not be a Week 3 NFL Picks article. With that said, in order to track of The Informer's 2017 NFL picks record, here are my picks.

    Rams (-2.5) LOSS

    Ravens (-3.5)

    Giants (+6)

    Steelers (-7)

    Falcons (-3) Lion King Lock of the Week

    Tampa Bay (-3)

    Carolina (-5.5)

    Buffalo (+3)

    Colts (+1)

    Dolphins (-6)

    Texans  (+13.5)

    Seattle (+3)

    Bengals (+8.5)

    Chiefs (-3)

    Raiders (-3)

    Cowboys (-3)

    The Informer's Super Picks: Raiders (-3) Chiefs (-3) Dolphins (-6) Panthers (-5.5) & Falcons (-3)

    The Informer's 6-Team Parlay of the Week (Teams Just to win): Seattle, Steelers, Falcons, Raiders, Packers & Cowboys.

    Last Week Record: 9-7

    Season Record: 12-18-1

    Lion King Lock of the Week: 2-0

    Sunday, September 17, 2017

    The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 2

    Q: Dear Informer how does it feel to go 3-11-1 with your Week 1 NFL Picks?

    It does not feel good.

    Q: Hey Miss-Informer, why do you suck so bad at picking NFL games against the spread? I mean you were 3-11-1 last week. Do you even watch football?

    Am I allowed to blame the damn war and that lying son of a b**ch Johnson for my terrible picks? As for the second question; yes I do watch football.

    Q: Informer if I ever see you walking down the street I am going to stab you in the eye with a soldering iron. That is how much money you cost me with your sh**ty NFL picks. Seriously, you should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell with Dan Marino.

    Are you asking a question, or just making a general statement about how my life is going to change if we ever meet?

    Q: Because I am someone who knows how much you suck at life, I decided to bet against you the entire day last week and ended up making so much money that my wife actually let me have extra marital relations with her. So I just wanted to say thank you for what you do. Also, if it is not too much to ask, could please keep up the sh*tty work? You truly are making some people's lives better with your utter incompetence and stupidity. 

    As you can see there was a wide range of emotions stemming from my gawd-awful Week 1 performance. And to be honest, after starting last week 0-9 (seriously 0-9?), I felt the exact same way as everyone else. I was so disgusted that I was ready to give it all up. I was going to quit drinking the Natties. I was going to stop eating the Blimpies, And most importantly; I was going to stop Informing the people and just fade into Bolivia with Mike Tyson.

    But as I was going to my travel agent's website to book my flight something funny happened. I accidentally clicked the wrong button and instead of going to my agent's home page (I don't have a travel agent) I was re-directed to the "stats" page for my blog where I saw something that took away all my feelings of doubt, regret and shame.

    Do you want to know what I saw?

    I saw that despite handing out the worst picks in the history of the world, last week's article was still the most viewed NFL picks article I have ever written.

    And, well, once I saw that people were still reading despite my horrendous record; I decided then and there that I was never again going to let one bad week spoil all the great picks we have had over the past 10 seasons.

    In other words; last week I may have sucked more than a hoover vacuum on cocaine, but that is not going to keep us from making the 2017 NFL Season great again. So with that in mind, here are The Informer’s 2017 NFL Picks: Week 2.

    As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and no regard for human life.


    Here is The Informer’s proof of loss pick Tweet:

    Pick: Bengals (-6)


    Y'all want to here a funny "The Informer sucks at gambling" story?

    On Friday night I placed a money-line wager (means the team just has to win) on the Cleveland Indians and lost the bet.

    Now, for those of you who don’t follow baseball, let me explain why this is so funny. You see, up until Friday night the Indians had been on a 23 game winning streak. Basically, they were unbeatable and the safest bet in sports history. That is of course until I jumped on the bandwagon and single handedly took down their pursuit of history.

    Anyways, to make a long hilarious story short while getting back to football, what I am trying to say is f*** Cleveland and I hope LeBron James goes to Los Angeles to play with Kobe Bryant in 2018.

    Pick: Ravens (-7.5)


    As you can see from the above story, at this current time me and gambling are mixing about as well as Lamb & Tuna fish. But as the old gambling saying goes: "Sooner or later my bookie is going to break my knee caps, so I might as well pull a Bud Kilmer (aka stick to the basics) and bet the home favorite with the better quarterback."

    Because if there is one thing I have learned in 10 years of writing this article, it is the fact that betting the obvious home favorite with the better quarterback is what The Informer does best.

    Pick: Panthers (-7)


    If the Tennessee Titans are going to win the AFC South and make the leap like I predicted last week, then they must win this game against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

    Pick: Titans (-1)


    The answer is 11.

    The question was: How many Natties would I have to drink before I was drunk enough to pick the
    Indianapolis Colts to cover a football game without Andrew Luck?

    The answer is 2.

    The question was: How many minutes did it take for me to immediately regret my drunken life choice and switch my pick from Colts (+7) to Cardinals (-7).

    Pick: Cards (-7)


    I have very few rules in life, but one of them is too always bet the Kansas City Chiefs the week after they beat the New England Patriots while securing their spot as the greatest team in NFL history.

    Pick: Chiefs (-6)


    There is literally no way to verify or fact check this statement, but I am pretty sure Bill Bellicheck has never lost a game following a week where his team is coming off an embarrassing blowout loss to the greatest team in the history of the NFL.

    Pick: Patriots (-6)


    The Minnesota Vikings are traveling on a short week, after a huge Monday Night Football win, and thanks to a "Sam Bradford bum knee" there is a chance their quarterback is going to be Case Kenum or Zack Morris’ best friend Kyle “A.C.” Sloter.

    Call me crazy, but this game – if Sam Bradford is not healthy -- has all the makings of a Pittsburgh boat race. Which is why I am making the Steelers this week’s Lion King Lock of the Week.

    Pick: LKLOTW Steelers (-5.5)


    I apologize for the up coming rant, but as I was typing this paragraph the Oklahoma Sooners decided to throw an 83-yard touchdown pass with less than three minutes left in a game they were winning by 35 points.

    Please re-read that last sentence again.

    It says that instead of running the clock out and winning the game by 35 points, the Sooners threw an 83-yard touchdown pass on 1st f***** down just so they could cover the point spread. Seriously, who in the bluest of blue hells does that? The damn game was over. Have some f****** class and run the Gawd damn ball so I can push my Tulane (+35) bet you motherless mother ********!!!

    Seriously, I hate your stinking Oklahoma guts. You make me vomit. You are the scum between my toes. 

    Pick: Bears (+6.5)


    Drunk Jay Cutler getting four points on the road the week after his first game since retiring was cancelled due to a Hurricane? You had me at “drunk”.

    Pick: Dolphins (+4)


    Speaking of the great drunken one, here is this week’s Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

    Pick: Raiders: (-13.5)


    Last week the Los Angeles Rams scored 46 points against the dumpster fire known as the Indianapolis Colts and now everyone thinks they are going to beat the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl 52?

    In the words of someone more famous than I: “Grow up Peter Pan.”

    How about we let them beat an actual NFL team before we go Denny Greening their asses the second best team ever?  Would that be okay with everyone?

    Pick: Redskins (+3)


    As long as Zeke Elliot is not suspended, I am riding the Cowboys.

    Pick: Dallas (-2.5)


    I am taking the Seahawks because they are a better football team, with the better coach and a better HGH dealer (allegedly).

    Also, since there is absolutely no good reason to keep talking about this game, I thought now would be the perfect time to share my favorite money-line parlay (means you pick teams just to win, no point spread involved) and my Las Vegas Super Picks contest selections for this week.

    Parlay: Steelers, Ravens, Patriots, Packers & Lions (A $150 bets wins $1930)

    Las Vegas Super Picks: Steelers (-5.5) Ravens (-8) Cowboys (-2.5) Packers (+3) & Raiders (-13.5)

    Pick: HGH Hawks (-14)


    As you can see from the above section, I am following the “never bet against Aaron Rodgers as an underdog in Primetime” rule.

    Pick: Packers (+3)


    Last week I had a number of people (one person) notice that I did not mention the 1st half under in primetime and they wanted to know why?

    My answer to that question is this: I did not mention the 1st half under in primetime because Vegas was starting to catch on and I did not want our free money making bet to be destroyed by the Vegas mob. So from now on, just because I am not writing about it, does not mean you and I should not be betting it.

    Like I said at the beginning of this article; stick to the basics and keep doing the right thing with the best bet in football --and at the end of the day you will make money.

    Pick: Lions (+3.5) & the you know what (u21.5)

    Monday, September 11, 2017

    Randy Moss

    In honor of Randy Moss' getting inducted into the Minnesota Vikings Ring of Honor, here are 39 totally insane facts about the man, the myth, the legend --Randy Moss.

    39. Randy Moss is the only person alive who can say he caught Tom Brady’s 150th career touchdown pass and Brett Favre’s 500th career touchdown pass.

    38. He is the only player in NFL history to start his career with six straight 1,200 yard seasons.

    37. He set the NFL rookie record with 17 touchdown catches in 1998.

    36. His 1,313 yards receiving in 1998 was a NFL rookie record at the time (Anquan Boldin eclipsed Randy’s record during the 2003 season).

    35. He is the only player in NFL history to catch a touchdown, throw a touchdown pass, return a punt for a touchdown, and convert a two-point conversion during his career.

    34. He is a career 50% passer (4-8).

    33. He owns the NFL record for touchdown receptions in a season (23).

    32. He is tied with Jerry Rice for the NCAA Division 1-AA record for touchdown catches in a season (Moss caught 27 touchdown passes as a freshman for the Marshall Thundering Herd).

    31. In 1996, during Marshall's first year playing Division 1 football, Moss set the NCAA record with 26 touchdown catches (his record would be broken two years later by Troy Edwards).

    30. He caught a touchdown pass from two of the four quarterbacks drafted in the sixth round of the 2000 NFL Draft.

    29. He is second all-time in NFL history with 156 touchdown receptions.

    28. He is one of only 10 players in Oakland Raiders history to have 1,000 yards receiving in a single season.

    27. He is one of only five players in NFL history to have 1,000 yards receiving for three different teams.

    26. He is the only player in NFL history to have at least three seasons with 17 or more touchdown receptions.

    25. Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith and Ladainian Tomlinson are the only players in NFL history to score more touchdowns than Moss.

    24. He is the only player ever to have 150 yards and 3 touchdowns without dropping a pass in the same game where he only had three receptions (Thanksgiving day 1998).

    23. He owns the Pro Bowl record for receiving yards in a game (212).

    22. He once filmed a TV show called "Straight Bass Homie."

    21. He caught 54 touchdown passes in just two seasons of college football (FYI - The NCAA record for an entire career is 60 touchdown catches).

    20. He caught 3 touchdown passes in the same game on nine different occasions.

    19. He set a NFL single-game career high when he caught four touchdown passes in the first half against the Buffalo Bills in 2007.

    18. His college record for touchdowns in a game is five which he set against Ball State in 1997.

    17. Moss and Calvin Johnson are the only wide receivers in NFL history to have 100 receptions, 16-plus touchdowns, and over 1,600 yards in the same season.

    16. He has the highest career yards per catch average of any receiver with at least 900 receptions.

    15. He is one of only two players with 10 or more 1,000 yard receiving seasons in NFL history.

    14. His middle name is Gene.

    13. He is second all time with 64 career 100-yard receiving games.

    12. He was a two-time West Virginia basketball player of the year and he played on the same team as "White Chocolate" Jason Williams.

    11. Here is the greatest Nike commercial ever made to prove it.

    10. He is the fastest player in NFL history to reach 100 and 120 touchdown receptions.

    9. During his NFL career, he caught touchdown passes from 20 different quarterbacks including one from Brad Johnson in the first quarter of his first NFL game.

    8. He was the first player in NFL history to average 100 yards receiving and at least 1 touchdown per game for an entire season.

    7. He is the only wide receiver to average one touchdown per game for an entire season four different times.

    6. He won the 1997 Fred Biletnikoff award for best wide receiver in college football.

    5. He is the only player in college football history to have two or more seasons with at least 25 touchdown catches.

    4. One time, he almost gave the insufferable Joe Buck an aneurysm on live TV.

    3. He was the MVP of the two highest scoring offenses in NFL history (1997 Vikings, 2007 Patriots).

    2. Legendary college football coach Lou Holtz once said that Randy Moss was the greatest high school football player he ever saw.

    1. And finally -- according to The Informer's crack research staff -- Moss is the only person in the history of the world to be named West Virginia Mr. Basketball, be a Heisman finalist, run a 4.25 40-yard dash, have a college football award named after him, win the NFL Rookie of the Year, make seven Pro Bowls, play in the Super Bowl, and become a sure-fire first ballot Pro Football Hall of Famer all in the same lifetime.

    #StraightCashHomie #TheFreak #HallOfFameIsNext

    Saturday, September 9, 2017

    The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 1

    Q: Hey Informer are you seriously going to let the 2017 NFL Season start without giving your readers a fun facts, stats and useless information article?

    Of course not. In fact (pun intended), here are 15 of The Informer's funnest most useless stats for the upcoming 2017 NFL Season.
    1. Martavias Bryant has 14 touchdown in 21 career games. To put that in perspective that is more TD receptions through 21 games than Julio Jones (12), AJ Green (9), Marvin Harrison (10), Larry Fitzgerald (11), Antonio Brown (1), Michael Irvin (7), Cris Carter (8), Dez Bryant and Jerry Rice (9).
    2. Also to put the above stat in perspective, the great Randy Moss caught 20 touchdowns in his first 21 NFL games. 
    3. Antonio Gates (who has 111 career TD receptions) needs to catch one TD pass this season in order to break a tie with Tony Gonzalez for the most touchdowns by a tight end in NFL history.
    4. Frank Gore is 619 yards away from passing LaDaninian Tomlinson for fifth all-time rushing yards. For those wondering, the only time Gore has rushed for under 619 yards in a season during his 12-year career was his rookie season when he finished with 608 yards rushing.
    5. Sticking with the ageless wonder; if Gore reaches 1,000 yards rushing this season he will join Emmitt Smith, Curtis Martin, Barry Sanders and Walter Payton as the only backs to rush for 1,000 yards in 10 different seasons. 
    6. Drew Brees is 5,829 yards away from breaking Peyton Manning’s NFL record for passing yards.
    7. Tom Brady is 4,262 yards behind Drew Brees.
    8. If Adrian Peterson rushes for 1,00 yards he will surpass Thurman Thomas, Franco Harris, Marcus Allen, Edgerin James, Marshall Faulk, Jim Brown and Tony Dorsett to move into ninth place all time.
    9. If Larry Fitzgerald records his ninth 1,000 yard season, he would move into third place for most receiving yards in NFL history.
    10. Aaron Rodgers needs four TD passes to move past John Elway for 10th all-time. Once that happens Rodgers will join Brees, Brady, Eli Manning, Philip Rivers and Big Ben in the Top 10 in NFL history for career TD passes.
    11. Carson Palmer and Philip Rivers each need to pass for 3,000 yards to join Brees, Brady, Eli and Big Ben on the Top 10 career passing yards' list.
    12. Odell Beckham Jr and Javaris Landry are each entering their third NFL season with 288 career receptions.
    13. With that said; it should be noted that the ODB has racked 4,122 yards and 35 TD, compared to Landry’s 3,051 yards and 13 TD.
    14. Speaking of Beckham: Did you know that through 43 NFL games the only players with more TD catches than Odell are Rob Gronkowski (41), Jerry Rice (38) and Randy Moss (37)?
    15. And finally, did you know Randy Moss is the only player in NFL history to have three season with 17 or more touchdown catches? Also, he is the youngest player in NFL history to reach 100 TDs for a career. He is second all-time with 157 TD catches. And he owns the NFL record for TD receptions by a rookie (17) and touchdown receptions for a single season (23).
    Q: Enough with the made up stats Informer, lets get down to the business of what we are doing here today: What are your boldest of bold predictions for the 2017 NFL Season?

    If you want bold, I will give you bold.
    1. A.J. Green will lead the NFL in receiving yards.
    2. Drew Brees will add to his NFL record by throwing for over 4,500 yards for the eighth straight season (Peyton Manning is second all-time with five straight +4,500 yard seasons).
    3. Aaron Rodgers will win the 2017 NFL MVP.
    4. The six NFC Playoff teams will be: Seattle Seahawks, Green Bay Packers, Dallas Cowboys, Atlanta Falcons, Carolina Panthers and the New York Giants.
    5. The six AFC Playoff teams will be: New England Patriots, Pittsburgh Steelers, Tennessee Titans, Kansas City Chiefs, Cincinnati Bengals and Oakland Raiders.
    6. New England will beat Green Bay in the Super Bowl.
    7. Kareem Hunt will win the Rookie of the Year.
    8. Speaking of Hunt; I think the Kansas City rookie will fumble his first career carry, but then redeem himself by becoming just the third player in NFL history to have 150+ yards and 3 TDs in his first NFL start (joining Marshall Faulk 1994, and Billy Simms 1980). 
    9. For the sixth time in his NFL career, Alex Smith will have a 300-yard passing game.
    10. And finally, I do not think the New England Patriots will go undefeated.
    Q: Wait one flipping second Informer. Did you just hand out four bold predictions based on a game that was already played? Is that what you are doing now? Waiting for a game to end and then writing articles where it makes it look like you actually predicted the outcome? That is a new low even for your drunk ass. You should be ashamed of yourself you fat ignorant hillbilly.

    You can call me all the names you want, but these are all legit bold predictions that I totally came up with on my own before my new favorite team the Kansas City Chiefs dethroned the New England Patriots on live national television.

    Q: That is f*****g horses sauce and you know it Informer. You are nothing more than a lying drunk bandwagon jumping little man who makes sh*t up to try and feel better about the fact that you suck as a writer and nobody likes you. Well Informer, I am not going to let you get away with it. I want you to show us your "Proof of pick" tweet for the Thursday Night Football game right f***ing now, so we can all see what a fraud you truly are?

    Sure I will show my tweet. I got nothing to hide:
    Q: For f**k sakes Informer!!! That tweet was clearly posted on Saturday, September 9th. Seriously man what is wrong with you? Just admit that the Natty Lights have finally killed all of your brain cells so you must resort to being a worthless drunk liar.

    Ummmmm . . . Since this is obviously my "deflategate" moment in history where I am going to dig in and never admit my lies: Why don't we wrap up the mailbag and get to The Informer's  Week 1 2017 NFL Picks?

    As always please gamble with reckless abandoned.


    The Informer's TNF proof of pick tweet:
    Yikes, that is a painful way to start the 2017 NFL Season.

    Pick: Pats (-8.5)


    Oh look at this; we made it to the first Sunday game of the 2017 NFL Season and we have already found the worst game of the year. Welp, since we are obviously not going to talk about this garbage Jet-Bills game, I guess that means we need to hand out this week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:


    Pick: Jets (+8.5)  


    Teams that blow a 28-3 Super Bowl lead do not come out flat in Week 1 the very next season. On the contrary they come out pissed off and ready for revenge. At least that is what I am predicting is going to happen with the 2017 Atlanta Falcons (You know since no team in the history of the world has ever blown a 28-3 Super Bowl lead before). My gut is telling me that this team is too healthy and motivated in Week 1 to have any issue with the Mike Glennon led Bears.

    Pick: Falcons (-6.5)


    I think 2017 is going to be A.J. Green's greatest year as a professional football player. I also think that greatness starts Week 1 at home against the banged up Baltimore Ravens.

    Pick: Bengals (-2.5)


    Martavias Bryant is a young Randy Moss like star. Antonio Brown has three straight season with at least 106 receptions. The Steelers defense is going to be legit. Big Ben is 21-2 in his career versus the Browns. LaVeon Bell is fully healthy and playing Week 1. Oh and did I mention the Browns are still the Cleveland Browns? Yea . . . Don't over think this one.

    Pick: Steelers: (-9.5)


    Bruce Arians is greater than Jim Caldwell. Larry Fitzgerald is greater than Lions WRs. David Johnson is a possible 2017 NFL MVP. And finally, Arizona is healthy after their disaster 2016 season while the Detroit Lions are the same team that lost three straight games to finish 2016. Add it all up and the math says I am taking Arizona and laying the points on the road.

    Pick: Cardinals (-2)


    Okay so I started a thing on twitter this summer called "The Informer's joke of the Day". Its my new running bit where I go on the internet and try to find jokes that make me laugh, then I share them on my account for all to read. Now, since most of these jokes are at the expense of the hapless Jacksonville Jaguars, I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to share five of my favorites from the summer.

    Here goes . . .

    Q: Did you hear the C.I.A sent Blake Bortles over to North Korea?
    A: They figured he was the only guy in the world who could overthrow Kim Jong-Un.

    Q: Why doesn't Blake Bortles use the telephone anymore?
    A: Because he couldn't find the receiver.

    Q: What do the Oakland Raiders and the L.A. P.D. have in common?
    A: Neither one can stop a Bronco.

    Q: Why did Tony Romo cross the road?
    A: To get to the hospital. (Too soon?)

    Q: If you have a Dallas Cowboys running back, wide receiver and defensive player in the same car: Who is driving?
    A: The Police.

    via GIPHY
    Pick: Texans (-5)  


    I know the Titans have become this year’s hipster sleeper playoff team (I did just pick them to make the playoffs six paragraphs ago), but I feel like I need to point out the fact that the Tennessee Titans have an absolute brutal 10 game start to the season.

    Seriously check it out:

    Raiders (very loseable), Jags (win) Seattle (loss), @ Houston (they will be underdogs), @ Miami (loseable), Colts in Primetime (Andrew Luck is 9-0 career vs Tennessee) (@ Browns (win), Ravens (toss up), Bengals (toss up), @ Steelers (loss), @ Colts (See above 9-0 stat).

    Listen, I am not saying they won't make the playoffs, but I am saying maybe we should see how they handle themselves against the “super bowl contending” Oakland Raiders in Week  1 before we go Denny Greening their asses the Cinderella's of the 2017 NFL Season.

    Pick: Titans (-2.5)


    I am following the gambling rule that says to always take the home underdog when the points are 2.5 or less.

    Pick: Skins (+1.5)


    I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I will not make the Los Angeles Rams my Lion King Lock of the Week . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE F*****G JARED GOFF LED LOS ANGELS RAMS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!!

    Pick: Lion King Lock of the Week Rams (-4.5)


    Obviously this is the hardest game of the week to pick. I honestly have been going back and forth chugging Natties trying to figure out what to do. And after about six or seven tall one, I have finally decided that The Informer's gambling rules clearly state I am not allowed to ever bet against Aaron Rodgers at Lambeau. So, because the rules are the rules, I will be betting the Packers on Sunday in the preview of the 2017 NFC Championship game.

    Pick: Packers (-3)


    If my children no longer have a college fund at the end of Sunday it will be because I was wrong about the Brian Hoyer led 49ers going up against the Carolina Panthers.

    Pick: Panthers (-5)


    This game will come down to a last minute field goal. And the last time I checked field goals are only worth 3-points, which is obviously less than 4.5.

    Pick: Giants (+4.5)


    If Adrian Peterson does not score a touchdown in this game I will stop drinking Natty Lights for a period of 24 straight hours. I swear to Tim Tebow I will do it.

    Pick: Saints (+3)


    I am picking the San Diego Chargers because when I was in the second grade the brother of Chargers linebacker Kyle Emanuel came to my birthday party where we watched Wrestlemania VII and ate yellow cake with pink frosting. And while I don't know exactly how that fact matters to the outcome of a NFL game, I also can't come up with a single scientific reason why it is not going to be the most important factor in the outcome of this NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE game.

    Sooooo . . .

    Pick: Chargers (-3)

    That is a wrap folk. I hope you all have a great opening day Sunday. May it be filled with Natty Lights, winning bets and all of the Blimpies free gambling money can buy.