Q: Dear Informer how does it feel to go 3-11-1 with your Week 1 NFL Picks?
It does not feel good.
Q: Hey Miss-Informer, why do you suck so bad at picking NFL games against the spread? I mean you were 3-11-1 last week. Do you even watch football?
Am I allowed to blame the damn war and that lying son of a b**ch Johnson for my terrible picks? As for the second question; yes I do watch football.
Q: Informer if I ever see you walking down the street I am going to stab you in the eye with a soldering iron. That is how much money you cost me with your sh**ty NFL picks. Seriously, you should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell with Dan Marino.
Are you asking a question, or just making a general statement about how my life is going to change if we ever meet?
Q: Because I am someone who knows how much you suck at life, I decided to bet against you the entire day last week and ended up making so much money that my wife actually let me have extra marital relations with her. So I just wanted to say thank you for what you do. Also, if it is not too much to ask, could please keep up the sh*tty work? You truly are making some people's lives better with your utter incompetence and stupidity.
As you can see there was a wide range of emotions stemming from my gawd-awful Week 1 performance. And to be honest, after starting last week 0-9 (seriously 0-9?), I felt the exact same way as everyone else. I was so disgusted that I was ready to give it all up. I was going to quit drinking the Natties. I was going to stop eating the Blimpies, And most importantly; I was going to stop Informing the people and just fade into Bolivia with Mike Tyson.
But as I was going to my travel agent's website to book my flight something funny happened. I accidentally clicked the wrong button and instead of going to my agent's home page (I don't have a travel agent) I was re-directed to the "stats" page for my blog where I saw something that took away all my feelings of doubt, regret and shame.
Do you want to know what I saw?
I saw that despite handing out the worst picks in the history of the world, last week's article was still the most viewed NFL picks article I have ever written.
And, well, once I saw that people were still reading despite my horrendous record; I decided then and there that I was never again going to let one bad week spoil all the great picks we have had over the past 10 seasons.
In other words; last week I may have sucked more than a hoover vacuum on cocaine, but that is not going to keep us from making the 2017 NFL Season great again. So with that in mind, here are The Informer’s 2017 NFL Picks: Week 2.
As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and no regard for human life.
HOUSTON TEXANS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-5.5)
Here is The Informer’s proof of
Give me Bengals (-6) and game over 38 #TNF— The Informer (@therealinformer) September 14, 2017
Pick: Bengals (-6)
CLEVELAND BROWNS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-7.5)
Y'all want to here a funny "The Informer sucks at gambling" story?
On Friday night I placed a money-line wager (means the team just has to win) on the Cleveland Indians and lost the bet.
Now, for those of you who don’t follow baseball, let me explain why this is so funny. You see, up until Friday night the Indians had been on a 23 game winning streak. Basically, they were unbeatable and the safest bet in sports history. That is of course until I jumped on the bandwagon and single handedly took down their pursuit of history.
Anyways, to make a long hilarious story short while getting back to football, what I am trying to say is f*** Cleveland and I hope LeBron James goes to Los Angeles to play with Kobe Bryant in 2018.
Pick: Ravens (-7.5)
BUFFALO BILLS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-7)
As you can see from the above story, at this current time me and gambling are mixing about as well as Lamb & Tuna fish. But as the old gambling saying goes: "Sooner or later my bookie is going to break my knee caps, so I might as well pull a Bud Kilmer (aka stick to the basics) and bet the home favorite with the better quarterback."
Because if there is one thing I have learned in 10 years of writing this article, it is the fact that betting the obvious home favorite with the better quarterback is what The Informer does best.
Pick: Panthers (-7)
TENNESSEE TITANS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+1)
If the Tennessee Titans are going to win the AFC South and make the leap like I predicted last week, then they must win this game against the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Pick: Titans (-1)
ARIZONA CARDINALS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+7)
The answer is 11.
The question was: How many Natties would I have to drink before I was drunk enough to pick the
Indianapolis Colts to cover a football game without Andrew Luck?
The answer is 2.
The question was: How many minutes did it take for me to immediately regret my drunken life choice and switch my pick from Colts (+7) to Cardinals (-7).
Pick: Cards (-7)
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-6)
I have very few rules in life, but one of them is too always bet the Kansas City Chiefs the week after they beat the New England Patriots while securing their spot as the greatest team in NFL history.
Pick: Chiefs (-6)
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (+6)
There is literally no way to verify or fact check this statement, but I am pretty sure Bill Bellicheck has never lost a game following a week where his team is coming off an embarrassing blowout loss to the greatest team in the history of the NFL.
Pick: Patriots (-6)
MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-5.5)
The Minnesota Vikings are traveling on a short week, after a huge Monday Night Football win, and thanks to a "Sam Bradford bum knee" there is a chance their quarterback is going to be Case Kenum or Zack Morris’ best friend Kyle “A.C.” Sloter.
Call me crazy, but this game – if Sam Bradford is not healthy -- has all the makings of a Pittsburgh boat race. Which is why I am making the Steelers this week’s Lion King Lock of the Week.
Pick: LKLOTW Steelers (-5.5)
CHICAGO BEARS @ TAMPA BAY (-6.5)
I apologize for the up coming rant, but as I was typing this paragraph the Oklahoma Sooners decided to throw an 83-yard touchdown pass with less than three minutes left in a game they were winning by 35 points.
Please re-read that last sentence again.
It says that instead of running the clock out and winning the game by 35 points, the Sooners threw an 83-yard touchdown pass on 1st f***** down just so they could cover the point spread. Seriously, who in the bluest of blue hells does that? The damn game was over. Have some f****** class and run the Gawd damn ball so I can push my Tulane (+35) bet you motherless mother ********!!!
Seriously, I hate your stinking Oklahoma guts. You make me vomit. You are the scum between my toes.
Pick: Bears (+6.5)
MIAMI DOLPHINS @ LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (-4)
Drunk Jay Cutler getting four points on the road the week after his first game since retiring was cancelled due to a Hurricane? You had me at “drunk”.
Pick: Dolphins (+4)
NEW YORK JETS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-13.5)
Speaking of the great drunken one, here is this week’s Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:
Pick: Raiders: (-13.5)
WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-3)
Last week the Los Angeles Rams scored 46 points against the dumpster fire known as the Indianapolis Colts and now everyone thinks they are going to beat the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl 52?
In the words of someone more famous than I: “Grow up Peter Pan.”
How about we let them beat an actual NFL team before we go Denny Greening their asses the second best team ever? Would that be okay with everyone?
Pick: Redskins (+3)
DALLAS COWBOYS @ DENVER BRONCOS (+2.5)
As long as Zeke Elliot is not suspended, I am riding the Cowboys.
Pick: Dallas (-2.5)
SAN FRANCISCO @ SEATTLE HGHAWKS (-14)
I am taking the Seahawks because they are a better football team, with the better coach and a better HGH dealer (allegedly).
Also, since there is absolutely no good reason to keep talking about this game, I thought now would be the perfect time to share my favorite money-line parlay (means you pick teams just to win, no point spread involved) and my Las Vegas Super Picks contest selections for this week.
Parlay: Steelers, Ravens, Patriots, Packers & Lions (A $150 bets wins $1930)
Las Vegas Super Picks: Steelers (-5.5) Ravens (-8) Cowboys (-2.5) Packers (+3) & Raiders (-13.5)
Pick: HGH Hawks (-14)
GREEN BAY PACKERS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-3)
As you can see from the above section, I am following the “never bet against Aaron Rodgers as an underdog in Primetime” rule.
Pick: Packers (+3)
DETROIT LIONS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (+3.5)
Last week I had a number of people (one person) notice that I did not mention the 1st half under in primetime and they wanted to know why?
My answer to that question is this: I did not mention the 1st half under in primetime because Vegas was starting to catch on and I did not want our free money making bet to be destroyed by the Vegas mob. So from now on, just because I am not writing about it, does not mean you and I should not be betting it.
Like I said at the beginning of this article; stick to the basics and keep doing the right thing with the best bet in football --and at the end of the day you will make money.
Pick: Lions (+3.5) & the you know what (u21.5)