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Wednesday, June 7, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NBA Finals Instant Reaction: Game 3

Here are 10 things I think I think after watching the Golden State Warriors 118-113 victory over the Cleveland Cavaliers in Game 3 of the 2017 NBA Finals. 

10. First things first: I want to mention that I watched the entire Game 3 with no sound. So if some of these points were made on the broadcast I apologize. I did not hear them, I am not trying to steal them, and in no way shape or form would I ever use someone else's opinion about NBA basketball as my own (Unless doing such things meant I would get paid millions of dollars, but that is another story for another time). Okay, now that we are all on the same page that these are my thoughts and my thoughts alone --let's do this.

9. As a fan of the NBA -- and also someone who loves watching LeBron James do super human things on a basketball court -- I was very sad the LeBron's did not win Game 3 and make this an actual series. With that said; as someone who "max bet" the Warriors (-3.5) in Game 3, I am absolutely ecstatic right now that Kevin Durant cemented his new role as the best basketball player alive by hitting a game winning 3-pointer right between LeBron James' eyes.

8. My favorite part of any "Klay Thompson is on fire" game is the fact that I get to send out tweets like this as it happens:

7. To answer the next question: Yes I send out this exact same tweet every single time Klay, or anybody playing basketball, gets heated up. And no I don't apologize for re-using the same tweet because it is hilarious each and every time.

6. I should probably make a bigger deal about the fact that the Cavs lost despite LeBron James putting up 39-11-9, and Kyrie Irving adding in a spectacular 38 points, and the refs giving them every single home-town-home-cooking call they could possibly give. But honestly, my biggest question from the Cavs Game 3 loss is this: Why did LeBron stop scoring points in the second half? Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that he makes the smart basketball play nearly 100% of the time. But man, every once in awhile the smart basketball play is for LeBron to score every time he touches the ball. Game 3 was one of the those times. LeBron realized this in the first half (27 points and on pace for his first career 50-point playoff game), but for some reason he forgot this in the second half. To me that is the biggest reason why the Cavs lost.

5. Since I am writing this "instant reaction" article before the regular "hot take" media wakes up, I figured I might as well share with you all five of the hottest "hot takes" you can expect to hear the "expert hot takers" give you on Thursday.
  1. At least every single one of the "hot take" shows will ask this question: Would the Golden State Warriors beat the 1996 Chicago Bulls. Not to spoil the future, but one of the analyst is going to argue there is no way they could beat the Bulls, while the other analyst will argue they would definitely beat the Bulls. 
  2. LeBron James is a choke article who is scared of the fourth quarter (P.S. - If you subscribe to this theory you are a moron and need to delete your account).
  3. Is this now Kevin Durant's team? (Here is a hint: The answer is no it is the Golden State Warriors team. That is why this group is so damn successful. Everyone plays for each other, not for "this is my team" status.)
  4. If LeBron gets swept for the second time in the NBA Finals does that ruin his legacy? (Again, the answer is no.)
  5. And finally, my personal favorite: Michael Jordan never would have been down 3-0 in an NBA Finals. 
4. There is at least 10% of my brain that believes LeBron James purposely went down 3-0 just so he could come back from a 3-0 deficit to win the NBA Finals.

3. There is at least 90% of my brain that believes that is the most absurd thing I have ever said and that the 2017 Golden State Warriors are the greatest basketball team ever assembled that did not involve the words "Olympics" and "Dream Team".

2. Remember last article when I said that I thought Kevin Durant was the best "pure" scorer I have ever watched play? Well, when I said that, I was not saying he is the greatest scorer of all-time -- or that he is in some way a better scorer than Michael Jordan (Tebow forbid someone make an argument like that) -- what I was trying to say is that Kevin Durant can score 30-points easier than anyone I have ever seen play basketball. Hence the word "pure". And to prove my point; Durant went out and scored 30 points on 10-18 shooting. I mean seriously, it is absolutely remarkable the ease at which he scores buckets. That was the point I was trying to make when I said Kevin Durant is the best "pure" scorer in NBA history. And also, I was also totally trying to be a hot-taker who says things like "Kevin Durant is a better scorer than Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan combined" because it leads to tons of extra clicks.

1. And finally, I think I think that I need to end this article by simply saying: "KEVIN F****ING DURANT!!!" In the words of Mark Jackson: "Mama . . . There goes that man."

Sunday, June 4, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NBA Finals Instant Reaction: Game 2

Here are 10 things I think I think after watching the Golden State Warriors 132-113 victory over the Cleveland Cavaliers in Game 2 of the 2017 NBA Finals. 

10) I know this is the exact same hot take everyone in the world is going to have on Monday morning, but I am going to make it anyways: Cleveland can't beat the Golden State Warriors playing run & gun basketball. Sure, they can hang close for a half, or maybe even three quarters, but eventually Steph is going to Step, the Warriors are going to Warrior, and the Cavs are going to get run off the court like every other NBA team in 2017.

9) Did you all know that Kevin Durant joined Michael Jordan and Shaquille O'Neal as the only players in NBA history to score at least 25 points in each of their first seven NBA Finals starts? For those wondering how far KD needs to go to break the record; Shaq scored 25+ in each of his first 16 NBA Finals games, while Michael Jordan scored 25+ in each of his first 20 NBA Finals games.

8) Speaking of Durant's historically great scoring, I think it is time that I say this out loud: Kevin Durant is the best pure scorer in the history of the NBA. Now, I know everyone is going to say "but Jordan or Kobe" (and those are valid points), but my response to that argument would be that I have never seen anyone get buckets with the ease that Sniper Jones is able to get buckets. I mean the dude literally rolls out of bed and has 30. Its unreal. And it is awesome to watch.

7) Is there a funner (Is funner a word?) person to watch play basketball than Steph Curry? I assume this is what people who got to watch Pistol Pete Maravich must of felt like every single game. You know, watching a guy do stuff on the court with a basketball every single game that should not be humanly possible?

6) I am not sure what this has to do with anything, but I honestly think 1999-02 Shaquille O'Neal would average 50 points per game in the 2017 NBA Finals.

5) Here are five random things I think inside of my 10 things I think I think article:
  • I have a completely made up source who has confirmed that Chuck Norris has nightmares about playing a 3rd quarter against the Golden State Warriors. 
  • As someone who loves all things JaVale McGee, I truly hope he yells "hows my ass taste Shaq" after every alley-oop dunk he gets during these NBA Finals? 
  • Welcome to the NBA Finals Klay Thompson's jump shot. My bank account is glad to see you alive and well over 2.5 3-pointers made. 
  • When is the "Super LeBron" who puts up 40-18-15 stat lines going to show up? Will it be Game 3? Game 4? Did "Super LeBron" retire after coming back from a 3-1 deficit in 2016? I honestly don't know the answer, but if the Cavs are going to have any kind of shot to win this series they need it to be sooner, rather than later.
  • And finally, after two games, who is the 2017 NBA Finals MVP: Steph Curry (who had a 30-11-10 triple double) or Kevin Durant (who had 33-13-6 with LeBron James guarding him)? Feel free to share your answer on my twitter page. 
4) LeBron James' NBA Finals record is 16-25. Now I am not going to make the "MJ would never have lost 25 NBA Final games" argument, but I am going to say at some point being the greatest player in the world has to lead to some victories, right?

3) In Jack McCallum's must read book about the Barcelona "Dream Team", he has a story about Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan arguing over who the greatest player alive was. Now, at some point during the argument, Larry Bird came over to Magic and basically told him their time was past and that the best player in the world was the same guy who just beat Magic Johnson in then 1991 NBA Finals --Michael Jordan. Well, I am starting to think we are seeing history repeat itself in 2017. Because while LeBron has held that title for at least the past 7-10 years, I think we are seeing in these finals that the proverbial "best player alive" torch is being passed to Kevin Durant.

2) So, the Golden State Warriors are about to have 2 NBA championships, the regular season record for most wins in a season (73), the best record ever for an NBA postseason (15-1, or 16-0), and possibly the first ever "Fo-Fo-Fo-Four" in NBA Playoff History. In other words; it is definitely time to put them in the discussion as the greatest basketball team of all-time.

1) And finally, since this article has been full of hot takes; I am going to leave you all tonight with one of the most scorching hot takes of my entire life. Here goes . . . I think if the Cleveland Cavaliers do not win at least one of the next two games, they are not going to have a chance to win this series.


Friday, June 2, 2017

The Informer's Summer of 2016 Kevin Durant Mailbag

As always keep in mind that all of these questions came from actual made up readers.
Q: Informer what did you think of Kevin Durant signing with the Golden State Warriors?
I absolutely love it. And I also think the Durant-Steph-Klay-Draymond combo has a chance to go down as the greatest fantastic foursome in the history of the NBA.
Q: Come on Informer, you can’t honestly feel that way? Kevin Durant signing with Golden State is an absolute travesty. I mean what kind of chicken sh** pu*** signs with the team that he can’t beat? It was a disgusting act and you know it. Hell, even Charles Barkley said KD was cheating to win a ring. 
Calm down Joe Buck. There is no need for profanities. Besides, I don’t think Durant was signing with Golden State because he didn’t think OKC could beat them. I think Durant signed with GS because he really wanted to play in an offense that emphasized ball movement and making the extra pass.
As for Charles Barkley (my favorite analyst not named Bill Walton of all-time): Isn't he the same guy who left the Philadelphia 76ers because he wanted a better chance to win a ring? Furthermore, isn't he the same guy who left the Phoenix Suns so he could join Clyde Drexler, Hakeem Olajuwon and the two-time defending NBA Champion Houston Rockets to chase a ring?
I'm just saying, players leave teams for other teams all the time. There is no cheating about it. 
Q: That is such bullsh** and you f***** know it. The only reason you think this is a good move is because you root for players, not teams. So you will just switch over and become a Golden State fan while us good honest OKC fans have to deal with the fact that KD just stabbed us in the back right in front of our f***** faces.
You are right. The Informer is a person who roots for players, not teams. The reason for that is because years ago I found out the owners/GMs don’t care if I want my favorite team to keep Joe Montana, or Peyton Manning, or James Harden, or Jerry Rice, or Randy Moss, or the city of Seattle. They only care how those players/cities can help them and when they are done getting what they want they throw them away faster than Antonio Cromartie throws away an unopened box of condoms.
So yes, since Kevin Durant remains my favorite player, next year I will be rooting for KD and the Warriors to win the championship and I will feel no remorse about it.
Q: But why did it have to be Golden State? If he would have signed anywhere else it would have been okay, but he chose the only team he could not beat. That has to tarnish his legacy, right?
Here is my counter question: Why would Durant choose to leave and then pick a place that would not be as good as OKC? I mean seriously, would anyone else in the world purposely leave a great situation just so they could move to a sh*ttier situation? That would be asinine. The fact is we all knew if the NBA was going to be turned on its head, there were only two places KD was going to go -- Golden State or San Antonio.
 So why are we so surprised when he chose one of those two places?
Q: You are wrong Informer. By picking the Warriors, Kevin Durant can now officially never be mentioned when it comes to the pantheon of great players ever again.
As the old saying goes, winning cures everything (just ask LeBron). And in five years if he wins with the Warriors, I guarantee that is what he will be remembered for.
Q: No, I am pretty sure we will remember Kevin Durant as a chicken sh** pu**** who had to team up with Steph and Klay because he couldn’t do it on his own.
Here is the thing; whether KD chose to sign with OKC or the Warriors, that team was going to be the favorites to win in 2017. So how is he now a chicken sh** pu*** who can only win because he teamed up with Steph and Klay? Wouldn’t he have been just as big of a chicken sh** pu*** if he would have chose to team up with Russ and Adams? I mean by your "chicken sh** pu***" logic, the only way KD could have proved his manhood would have been by signing with Sacramento and then demanding they trade Boogie Cousins.  
Q: Informer I love saying "chicken sh** pu***" as much as the next guy, but if I may change the subject I would really like to know what your favorite conspiracy theories for Kevin Durant leaving are?
I have four theories:
  • Nike told him to sign with GS to take some of Under Armor's thunder (no pun intended).
  • He hates getting kicked in the d***, so this was really his only option.
  • Russ told him that he was going to sign in LA in 2017, so the time to leave was now.
  • He is still pissed they didn’t pay James Harden the extra five million.
Q: Do you think the Warriors are going to once again break the NBA regular season wins record?
Let me put it this way,  my bookie set the Warriors over/under at 84 regular season wins and I took the over.
Q: You really are a "special" kind of moron, aren't you Informer? I mean, I would try and explain to you how it is impossible for a team to win 84 games, but I don't think you would fully grasp the logic. So instead, here is my last question: What does this mean for Russell GoatBrook?
I think it means we might legitimately see a point guard average a 35-12-10 for an entire season. In other words, gamble on the 2017 NBA MVP odds accordingly folks #LetRussBeRuss.

(The Informer note: This article was originally posted July 7th of 2016.)

Thursday, June 1, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NBA Finals Instant Reaction: Game 1

Here are 10 Things I think I think after watching the Golden State Warriors 113-91 victory over the LeBron James Cavaliers:

10) Before everyone goes crowing the Golden State Warriors asses after their 113-91 victory, please keep in mind that it was only a year ago the Warriors were up 2-0, and then 3-1, before losing the 2016 NBA Finals in seven games. 

9) With that said; if the Cavs are going to turn the ball over 20 times while only forcing 4 turnovers, then this series is going to be shorter than my last stint at alcoholic anonymous. 

8) Can someone please get Klay Thompson's jump shot on a milk carton or something? 3-16 from the field and 0-5 from 3-point land? Are you for real? I mean this is a guy who once beat Steph Curry in a 3-point contest, and now he can't make a shot? How does that happen? Klay, please join the party. All NBA fans want to see you setting fires to nets, not building houses with all your bricks. 

7) I know they lost, but LeBron James is hella great at basketball. 

6) I know it is easy to say because they won, but Kevin Durant is hella great at the game of basketball. 

5) Seriously, watching LeBron and Kevin Durant, the two best basketball players on the face of the Earth, go back and forth  in the first half -- I think LeBron had like 18-10 while KD put up 23 points -- is everything I have ever wanted to watch in an NBA Finals game. Honestly, I am just sad LeBron could not keep it up in the second half, because the table was set for an all-time historic showdown. Luckily, we still have at least three more chances to see these two kings square off while playing basketball better than just about anyone else who has ever lived. 

4) Does anyone else remember the last two years when all the talk was how Steph Curry looked tired, or how he was getting beaten up and wore down by the Cavs defense? Yea, that is not going to be an issue in 2017. Not with the worlds greatest sniper -- Sniper Jones, aka Kevin Durant -- making it impossible for the Cavs to focus in on Curry. The Cavs are literally damned if they do, and damned if they don't when it comes to trying to guard the KD-Steph combination.

3) Speaking of the Warriors offense, do you want to hear something truly scary? The Warriors only had two players (KD and Steph) score more than 10 points and yet they still won an NBA Finals game against LeBron freaking James by 22 points. Yikes!!!

2) Before we finish this article, I want to once again caution every single writer/hot take maker/ journalist covering this series to please remember the golden rules of NBA basketball when talking about Game 1 tomorrow: 

  1. You do not want to overreact to one game. This is the NBA Playoffs, teams almost always bounce back and player better in a seven game series after a loss. So do not hang to much weight on one game just because it is the latest and greatest thing to happen.
  2. And secondly, never, not even if there is a fire, count out King James. When he is on the court his team is never completely dead. He taught us that in 2016 when he brought the Cavs back from down 3-1 to win the 2016 NBA Finals. 

1) Okay, now that I have made it perfectly clear that we should not overreact to the Warriors 113-91 Game 1 victory in the 2017 NBA Finals; I would like to take this time to change my prediction of LeBron in seven, to Warriors in four. 

Break out the brooms ladies and gentlemen, because we are about to get the first ever "Fo-Fo-Fo-Four" NBA Championship. And to be honest, I can't wait to watch the history take place.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

The 10 Greatest Kobe Bryant Facts Ever

Since tonight -- April 13th, 2016 -- is going to be the last NBA basketball game Kobe "The Black Mamba" Bryant is ever going to play; The Informer thought now would be the perfect time to share with the world his Top 10 All-Time Kobe Bryant facts.
So without any further, let's talk about the Mamba.
10A. Kobe scored at least 60 points on five different occasions, including one game where he scored 62 points in three quarters against the Dallas Mavericks.
10B. Also, just for the sake of being factually correct, the only other player in NBA history to have more 60 point games than the Mamba is Wilt Chamberlain; who had 32 such games.

10C. Finally, since we are being factually correct, it should be noted that during his 62-points in three quarters game, the Dallas Mavericks as a team scored 61 points. That is right, Kobe Bryant single handedly out scored an entire NBA team. 
9. Kobe scored 50+ points on 24 different occasions. To put Kobe's scoring in perspective; that is more than Steph Curry, LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird combined.
8A. Kobe was the first player in NBA history with 30,000 points and 6,000 rebounds.
8B. It should also be noted that he is currently 3rd all-time on the NBA career scoring list behind only Karl Malone and Kareem Abdul Jabar.
8C. Oh and don't forget, his 81 points in a single game against the Toronto Raptors in January of 2006, is the most points scored by any NBA player not named Wilt in the history of basketball.
7. Kobe once led the Lakers to the playoffs despite the fact that Kwame Brown was his starting center. The Informer is not making this fact up. There is video evidence on the internet and everything.
6. He was drafted by the Charlotte Hornets with the 13th overall pick, and was then traded to the Lakers for the one and only Vlade Divac.
5. Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself "The Black Mamba". I mean seriously: How awesome do you have to be to give yourself your own nickname and then have the rest of the world not only accept it, but love it?
2A. Kobe is one of only three players in NBA history to average at least 40 points per game for an entire month. In case you were wondering; he accomplished this feat four different times.
2B. Speaking of 40 point games: Did you know that Kobe scored at least 40 points against every single NBA team at least one time in his career?

And finally, The Informer's favorite Kobe fact of all-time is . . .
1. During the 2005-06 season Kobe joined Michael Jordan, Wilt and Rick Barry as the only players in NBA history to average at least 35 points per game for an entire season.
Honestly, there is no other way to say it other than: "Kobe Bryant is, was, and always will be 'The Mamba'.
#ThankYouMamba #GOAT!!!

Saturday, April 29, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Draft & NBA Playoffs Mailbag

As always, please keep in mind all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q: Mr. Informer, what are your 2017 NFL Draft Thoughts?

To steal a gimmick from the great Peter King, here are 10 things I think about the 2017 NFL Draft. 
  1. I liked the Browns draft.
  2. In fact, at this point, I like everyone’s draft – including the Chicago Bears -- because until we see these guys play on Sunday’s; no one knows who is going to be a bust and who is going to be the next Tom Brady. This means, that  as long as every team drafted the guys they wanted (and judging by the number of GM's who drafted every player at the top of their draft board I would say they did), then they had a successful draft.
  3. What did the Kansas City Chiefs say when the house fell on them? “Get off me Mahomes.” #GetIt #BadInformerJokes
  4. If I were an NFL GM one of my draft rules would most definitely be: "Anytime a guy dedicates his life to greatness on his grandmother's deathbed --I am drafting said guy."
  5. Why did the Green Bay Packers not draft that tight end from Miami? Wouldn’t he have been a perfect fit for Aaron Rodgers? And why did the Tennessee Titans not draft that tight end from Alabama? Wouldn't he have been a perfect fit for Marcus Mariota?
  6. I am setting the over under at 2.5 quarters into the first pre-season game before the "National Media" starts proclaiming T.J. Watt to be the 2017 NFL MVP.
  7. I guess the old saying is true: "You can take the Oakland out of Al Davis, but you can't take the Al Davis out of the Oakland". 
  8. Rookie cards that I will own at least three of before the season starts: Leonard Fournette, Patrick MaHomes, Christian McCaffrey, John Ross, Corey Davis, Mike Williams, DeDe Westbrook, Joe Mixon, Dalvin Cook, DeShaun Watson and Chad Kelly.
  9. Why did the NFL make the decision to have every single pick have some kind of special announcer, or guest appearance, or shout-out to some cause, or hot button issue? I mean I am all for a heartfelt thanks to military service, or fulfilling a child’s “make a wish”; but every single pick? That is over doing it just a bit, don’t you think? 
  10. The 2017 NFL Draft would have been 100x better with the great Chris Berman.
Q: Okay Informer, what was your favorite part of the 2017 NFL Draft?

I am not going to lie, I was really excited after the 2nd pick when every “NFL DRAFT EXPERT” had to rip up there mock drafts, because none of them predicted DA Bears would draft a guy named Trabansky from North Carolina.

Q: Informer you do know his name is Trubisky, not Trabansky, right? Also, sticking with the top quarterbacks, what do you think is going to happen with the three quarterbacks that were drafted in the 1st Round?

Trubisky? Are you sure? I kinda like Trabansky better. He sounds like someone from Chicago who used to drink beers with Bill Brasky, or who bought auto parts from Ray Zalinsky. Trubisky just sounds like a healthy choice snake cookie.

Q: What in the blue hell is a snake cookie? Were you trying to spell "snack" cookie? Cheese and rice Informer, how can you proclaim to be a "sports writer" and not know how to f****ing spell?

In my defense, I was obviously more worried about making the Bill Brasky/Ray Zalinsky joke than I was about spell checking my article that six people are going to read. But you are right, that was a poor job by me. I was trying to say, "snack cookie". Lesson as always, don't edit your article hammered wasted on Natty Lights. 

As far as the original question goes; I personally think two of the three guys are going to be future Pro Bowl quarterbacks. Now, because I don't want to upset any fan bases who could be reading this, I am not going to mention the guy who I think is going to be a bust. Instead, I will just say that his name rhymes with Prabransky.

Q: Seriously Informer, do you ever think that if you were not such a drunken idiot, and you actually took this stuff seriously, that maybe it could have been you getting fired by ESPN this past week?

Are you implying that me being an alcoholic is the reason I have never fulfilled my dream of being hired and fired from ESPN, or Grantland, or The Ringer?  I mean, I guess that might have something to do with it, but honestly I would like to think the fact that I just misspelled "snake cookie" on live internet blogging is the reason I have yet to achieve my dreams. 

Q: Dear Nostradrunkass, how did your 2017 NBA Playoff 1st round picks turn out?

Nostradrunkass? I get it. Because I am a predictor of the future like Nostradamus, but I also just admitted that I most likely over consumed the Natties while writing this article. That is a good one. #LOL #LMAO #ROFLMAO #Funny

Anyways, which means please don't make up fake nicknames while The Informer is trying to write a mailbag because it distracts me, I have currently picked every series correctly (pending Clippers over Jazz) with the exception of the Thunder-Rockets. Furthermore, I also said the Bulls would win at least two games and that the Bucks would give Toronto everything they could possibly handle before ultimately falling short. Basically, I think The Informer has lived up to the name through one round.

Q: You picked the Thunder over the Rockets? That was the easiest series of them all. How could you get that one wrong and still think you are "The Informer". More like "The Informoron". You suck Informer. And you are ugly. 

Didn't I just say to stop making up nicknames that distract me while I am writing? Come on man? Follow the rules. And as far as taking Russ in round one; I apologize for picking with my heart over my brain. If that makes me "The Informoron" then I am just going to have to go through life being "The Informoron."

Q: Informer you are not a moron because you picked Russ, you are a moron because that was the way you were born. With that being said, and in all seriousness, if you are ever going to one day get fired from ESPN you need to stop being such a p**sy writer, and start giving the people the hot takes they want. You can start by giving us your hottest hot takes for the 2017 NBA Playoffs.

You know what? If hot takes are what the people want, and what is going to help me fulfill my life long dream of one day being fired by ESPN, then by gawd I am going to give them the hottest of hot takes anyone has ever herd. So with that in mind; here are The Informer's 2017 NBA Playoffs hot takes . . .
  • LeBron James is really good at the game of basketball.
  • Chris Paul is great, but he is not the greatest point guard of all-time. That would “White Chocolate Jason Williams . . .Okay just kidding. The answer is Magic Johnson.
  • Kevin Durant is the second best basketball player in the world.
  • Kawhi Leonard is amazing.
  •  Stephen Curry is the greatest shooter ever. 
  • Klay Thompson is the greatest “When I get on fire watch out” shooter of all-time.
  • Finally, I think when the Golden State Warriors win the NBA title, they should be considered the greatest team in the history of the NBA.
Q: Sorry Informer, while close, those were really just "luke-warm" takes. I think you can do better. How about instead of the NBA Playoffs, you gives us some of your scortching hot NFL Draft takes?

Really? Luke warm? I thought those were on fire. But, if I must, here are The Informer's 2017 NFL Draft scorching hot takes . .  .
  • Joe Minton (the 48th pick in the NFL Draft by the Bengals) will finish higher than John Ross (the 9th pick in the NFL Pick by the Bengals) in the NFL Rookie of the Year race.
  • DeShaun Watson is going to win the 2017 NFL Rookie of the Year. 
  • Patrick MaHomes will play in at least one Pro Bowl before his career is over.
  • Despite trading up for their quarterback of the future, the Chicago Bears are still mathematically eliminated from the NFL Playoffs.
Q: Come on Informer you can be hotter than that?

Seriously? Okay, one last time, here goes . . .
  • Baseball was better with steroids. 
  • The 95 Nebraska Cornhuskers are the greatest college football team ever. 
  • "SpyGate" and "Deflate-gate" were made up "Fake News" stories.
  • I am going to make at least 17 DeShone "Kizer Soze" jokes by the time the 2017 NFL regular season is over.
  • Barry Bonds is the greatest baseball player ever.
  • Within the next eight years, that porn-star chick who keeps trolling Jim Kelly's nephew, will be begging All-Pro Chad Kelly to slide into her DMs. 
  • Randy Moss is the greatest wide receiver ever.
  • LeBron James is better than Larry Bird, Magic Johnson and Kobe Bryant.
  • The Informer could beat Alonzo Ball in a game of 1 on 1 hoops.
  • And finally, Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback ever. 
Q: Informer you really suck at hot-takes. How about we just move on before you embarrass yourself any more? Moving forward: What are your favorite tweets about the 2017 NFL draft.

I am not going to lie, there is almost nothing in this world that upsets me more than when someone says they wrote an article -- so you click on the link -- and it ends up not being an article at all, but just a bunch of tweets. It is infuriating. Now, with that said, since I feel like we gave the people something that resembles an actual mailbag article; I have no problem ending the day by coping out to the newest trend and sharing a few tweets that made me chuckle on the floor while laughing. I hope you all will get a good cackle out of them as well. 

Q: Informer before you go, please give us your predictions for the 2nd round of the 2017 NBA Playoffs?

Well, since you asked nicely, my picks are:
  • Warriors in four over Clippers, or Warriors in five over the Jazz.
  • Spurs in six over the Rockets.
  • Wizards in six over the Celtics.
  • LeBron James in five over the Raptors.

Have a great weekend everyone. Go LeBron. Go Warriors.

Friday, April 21, 2017

The Informer's All NBA Playoffs Mailbag: Part Deux

As always, please keep in mind that all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q: Dear Informer, what has been the most compelling moment of the 2017 NBA Playoffs thus far? Is it LeBron’s record setting come from behind victory? Joe Johnson’s game winner? Lance Stephenson? TNT trolling Shaq by interviewing JaVale McGee? Russell Westbrook’s 50 point triple-double and fourth quarter meltdown? Giannis An******? The “TNT Bulls”? Choose one Informer. 

As much as I loved TNT trolling Shaq with the JaVale McGee interview, Joe Johnson turning back the clock, the return of Lance, the “TNT Bulls” and Giannis A****** blossoming into a super-duper star right in front of our eyes; the answer has to be King James coming back from down 26 points while single-handedly killing Indiana as a team, a franchise, and an American city.

Q: Speaking of King James, will you please spend a few moments slobbering all over LeBron for his incredible Game 3 performance. 

How about instead of slobbering, I just provide eight absolutely true facts that came about as a result of Game 3?
  1. "LeBron King James" final stat line was 41-13-12. For LeBron, it was his 17 career playoff triple double; which is the second most in NBA history behind only Magic Johnson
  2. "King James" has now scored the third most points in NBA Playoff history.
  3. "King LeBron" has made the fourth most three pointers in NBA Playoff history.
  4. "LeBron Emperor James" led the Cavs back from an NBA record 26 point deficit.
  5. "The King of Cleveland" has now won 19 straight first round playoff games. 
  6. "King LeBron James" has never lost a first round playoff series.
  7. The last team to beat “His Majesty” LeBron James at least one time in the first round was the Mike Bibby/Baron Davis led New York Knicks.
  8. And finally, “The Ruler of Worlds” LeBron James now has the record for greatest comeback in a Finals series (down 3-1) and the greatest single game comeback in NBA playoff history (26 points).
Q: Informer what is the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week?

I drank at least nine Natties while searching the internet for this week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week, but eventually I came up with this . . .

Q: Hey Informer, which one of the first-round upsets is actually going to happen? Bulls over Celtics, Jazz over Clippers, Bucks over Raptors, or Thunder over Rockets?

Sadly, because of the Rondo injury, I do not think the Bulls will complete the upset. Also, I still think the Clippers’ playoff experience is going to win out against Utah (even with the possible Blake injury). So my answer would be that I believe the Bucks and Thunder are both going to complete their upsets, while the Clippers and Celtics will eventually make the second round.

#InRussWeTrust #ThunderUp #GreakFreak #ThonMakerIsMyFather

Q: What is your favorite 2017 NBA Playoff conspiracy?

You mean other than the fact that I think Thon Maker is my father? I guess I would have to say the one that makes the most sense to me is that LeBron purposely tanked the #1 seed to the Celtics because his friend D-Wade asked him to. You know, because Wade knew there was no chance the Bulls could beat LeBron, but there was at least a punchers chance of the experienced Bulls upsetting the young Celtics.

Q: Are you ready to proclaim LeBron James as the greatest of all-time?

As I have always said when it comes to ranking LeBron’s all-time greatness, let’s let him finish his career first before we start crowning his ass. With that said; if LeBron retired tomorrow he would most definitely be in the conversation.

Q: Was LeBron bringing the Cavs back from a 26-point deficit the greatest comeback in NBA Playoff history?

Without doing any research, and going completely off my drunken memories, the greatest NBA Playoff comebacks I can remember are:
Q: Are you worried about Kevin Durant’s latest injury?

Yes and no. Yes because you never like to see a guy coming off of a lower leg injury get hurt with another lower leg injury. No because he is going to come back fully healthy and still lead the Golden State Warriors to an NBA Championship.

Q: Speaking of championships, let’s say KD can’t stay healthy and has to sit down for the rest of the playoffs: Do you still think the Golden State Warriors can win the NBA Championship?

I think in that scenario Golden State would still be the favorites to win the Western Conference, but I do think a KD injury would open the door for the possibility that LeBron would be able to lead the Cavs past the Warriors in the Finals for the second straight year.

Q: Okay then, let’s say Durant comes back Game 3 and stays healthy: Do you think Golden State could finish the NBA Playoffs 16-0?

If any team in NBA history was ever going to finish the NBA Playoffs undefeated, it would be the 2017 Golden State Warriors. They are that damn good. Ultimately though, I would bet they go 14-2 or 15-1. I just can't see a scenario where "The King" gets swept in the NBA Finals. 

Q: Do you have any thoughts on the Wizards-Hawks?


Q: You know Informer I have seen you do some horrible things in your lifetime. For example; being an advocate for binge drinking Natty Lights, talking about X-rated pornos, objectifying the ladies of the night, neglecting your kids, being grossly overweight, claiming Nicolas Cage is the greatest American actor alive today; but never once did I think you would turn out to be a no good lying cheater. I mean honestly Informer, can you explain this tweet?
Ummmm . . . I am sorry, but this question has nothing to do with the NBA Playoffs; so unfortunately at this time I am unable to respond with a logical answer.

Q: Seriously Informer, how could you cheat on Blimpies so openly and with absolutely no regard for their feelings? What kind of person are you? It is like one day you woke up and Blimpies never even existed? I am being for real this time Informer, you either make this right by explaining yourself, or else I am going to stab you right in the d**k with a soldering iron.

Okay . . . Okay . . . There is no need to get so specifically violent . . .  I'll answer the damn question. First of all, my twitter account was obviously hacked, meaning that tweet is “Fake News”. Secondly, the “Fake News” tweet was taken out of context. And finally, the only reason why I am eating sandwiches from Jersey Mike’s every single day is because I am an hour away from the closest Blimpies. So therefore, it is not cheating, it is out of necessity.

Q: So what you are saying is that whenever your wife goes out of town it is okay to go to a hooker-house and buy a prostitute because of necessity?

Come on now, you can’t compare the sanctity of marriage with buying a sandwich. That is asinine.

Q: Okay Informer, if you don’t want to compare sandwiches to marriage that is fine, but how about you do us all a favor and answer this question: When the liquor store is out of Natty Light, what do you do? Do you stay true to the Natties and go to the next store, or do you buy Busch Light out of necessity?

I mean I do what any rational human being who wants to get hammered wasted would do . . . I buy the Bush Lights and go on about my business.

Q: O.M.G., YOU ARE A F*****G MONSTER INFORMER!!! How could you preach about the greatness of Blimpies and Natties for the past ten years and then just throw it all away on a whim to satisfy your so-called “necessities”? You make me sick. I hope you f***ing die of gonorrhea and rot in hell with Dan Marino. Seriously go f*** yourself you motherless mother f*****.

And on that completely un-related to basketball note: How about we wrap up today’s NBA Playoff mailbag with one last gambling question?

Q: Since Vegas just released the lines for Week 1 of the 2017 NFL Season, I thought that maybe you would want to give us your Week 1 picks right now. So how about it Informer? Are you ready to predict the future?

Sounds like the perfect way to end an all-NBA Playoffs mailbag. So with that in mind, here are The Informer’s way to early Week 1 of the 2017 NFL Season picks:

Pats (-7) over Chiefs

Jets (+6.5) at Buffalo

Falcons (-5.5) at Chicago

Texans (-4.5) over Jacksonville

Eagles (+2.5) at Washington

Titans (PK) over Raiders

Tampa Bay (+2) at Dolphins

Steelers (+9.5) at Cleveland

Bengals (-1) over Ravens

Colts (-3.5) at Rams

Packers (-2.5) over Seattle

Panthers (-4 ) at 49ers

Giants (+6) at Cowboys

Saints (+4) at Vikings

Broncos (-3.5) over Chargers


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Thursday, April 13, 2017

The Informer's All NBA Playoffs Mailbag

Raise both your hands if you are the 2017 NBA MVP.

As always, please keep in mind that all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q: Hey Informer did you retire from writing? I mean you have not published an article in over a month. So what gives man? Did you finally realize it is pointless for you to put out articles because there is not a single person in the world who gives a sh*t about your opinion? Or, are you just a lazy, fat, alcoholic who has been slacking on his duties?

Honestly, I think it is probably a combination of the two. But hey, since we are here, how about The Informer breaks out an All-NBA Mailbag for his readers? Would that make up for a month’s long absence?

Q: Okay Informer if you want to make it up to us, how about you answer the most important question of 2017 right of off the bat: Who is the 2017 NBA MVP?

Russell Westbrook is the 2017 NBA MVP. The reasoning is simple; you don’t become the second player in NBA history to average a triple-double for the entire season while leading your team to the playoffs without Kevin Durant and not win the NBA MVP Award. 

That would be asinine.

Q: But Informer, what about the fact that the Thunder only won 46 games? That has to matter right? I mean no MVP in the last 30 years has won the award on a team that has won less than 50 games.

Sure, no one in the past 30 years has won the MVP while also playing for a team that won less than 50 games, but you know what else has not happened in the past 30 years? A f**king dude posting 42 triple-doubles while averaging a triple-double for an entire season.

Q: Come on Informer all the advanced stats show that James Harden had a more impressive year and his team won more games; therefore he is the MVP. Why can’t you just admit you are an overweight alcoholic who is wrong about the 2017 NBA MVP.

Did James Harden lead the league in scoring, finish in the Top 10 in rebounding while also averaging double digit assists and scoring 30 points a night? Did James Harden become the only player in NBA history to score at least 57 points while also posting a triple-double? Did James Harden become the first player in NBA history to record 42 triple-doubles in a season? If the answer is no to any of these questions; than that means he is not the MVP because there is a guy in the NBA who did in fact do all those things.

Q: Wins have to count for something Informer, and the fact is James Harden’s team had more wins than Russell Westbrook’s. So your “triple-double argument” is a mute point you moron. Again, no one is saying Russ was not spectacular this season, what we are saying is his numbers don’t mean as much because his team only won 46 games. Sorry bud, but your boyfriend is going to lose.  

So based on that argument, what you are really saying is that either Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green, Kevin Durant or Zaza Pachulia should win the 2017 NBA MVP. You know, because they were starters on a team that won 66 games? Honestly, 
I’m actually okay with that. From now on no one can be the NBA MVP unless their team has the most wins. Stats, game winning shots, advanced metrics, hot takes; none of that matters anymore. The best player on the team with the most wins always gets the MVP no questions asked. 

Q: Zaza Pachulia as the MVP? Now you are just being petty and ridiculous Informer. I mean seriously, why can’t you admit that James Harden’s historically great season produced more wins than Russ’s historically great season and that is why he is the MVP?

As I just said, if the number one argument you have contains the words “more wins”, than you have no choice but to pick someone from the Warriors to be your MVP. Just saying, you can’t sit here and argue that Harden should be the MVP over Russ -- with lesser stats -- because his team has more wins without saying Curry should be MVP over Harder -- with lesser stats -- because the Warriors have more wins than the Rockets.

Q: Fine Informer, you are correct. Russell Westbrook should be the unanimous MVP. I sincerely apologize for doubting you. Please forgive me. Also just in case you were wondering, I am totally lying. I am not going to ever agree with you, because you are nothing but a fat drunk sack of human waste who probably didn’t even watch the Rockets play one basketball game this year so you have no clue how valuable James Harden was.

That is where you are wrong sir. I clearly remember watching at least three James Harden games this year where his team lost to the Golden State Warriors. 

Q: I hate you Informer.

I know, but your feelings toward me have nothing to do with the fact that Russell Westbrook is hands down the 2017 NBA MVP.

Q: Hey Informer can we please stop talking about regular season awards and start focusing on the fact that the best two months of the years are about to begin? With that in mind, what is your favorite first round playoff match-up?

Well, obviously I can’t wait to watch Russ destroy James Harden in the Western Conference. So that would be number one on my list. And a
s far as the Eastern Conference goes, I am excited to see if Giannis “The Greek Freak” Ant******* can be the best player in four of seven games and lead the Milwaukee Bucks to a first round upset over the Toronto Raptors. 

Now, with all that said, this is the NBA Playoffs, which means every game is going to be freaking awesome (excluding any games involving Dwight Howard of course).

Q: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much slobbering over LeBron James are we going to have to read about from you in these playoffs?

I would say it is at least going to be an 8 out of 10. But that could change if/when Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry and Russell Westbrook get eliminated. But make no mistake about it, I will be paying homage and speaking the praises of King James every chance I get.

(P.S. - For those wondering, my NBA Playoff rooting order goes: Durant, Russ, Steph & then LeBron. Also, it should be noted that coming in dead last for umpteenth time is Dwight Howard.)

Q: Do you have any Playoff bets for the degenerates out there who are reading this?

I sure do, but before I give them away I feel I should explain to anyone reading that these picks are to be used for recreational purposes only. In no way shape or form does The Informer condone the practice of illegal gambling with websites like,, or any other online website that lets you place illegal wagers.

Okay, now that we have the disclaimer in place, here are a five prop bets I would be putting money on if betting were legal and I hadn’t just bought my bookie a brand new lawn mower.

  • Warriors to win Championships (-220)
  • Spurs to win Championship (+900)
  • Wizards to win Eastern Conference (+1000)
  • Cavs to win Eastern Conference (-260)
  • Thunder over Rockets (+360)

Q: Speaking of predictions Informer, who is going to win every first round series and why?


Cleveland vs Indiana: The Cavs will win this series because they have LeBron James.

Milwaukee vs Toronto: The Raptors are probably going to win, but my gut feeling says the “Greek Freak” is going to be out of this world great pushing this series to seven games.

Atlanta vs Washington: Washington wins because I hate Dwight Howard.

Chicago vs Boston: I think the veteran Chicago Bulls squad will be able to win two, maybe even three games, but in the end the Celtics will avoid the upset and move on to round two for the first time since the “Big 3” era.


Portland vs. Golden State: Warriors in five.

Oklahoma City vs. Houston Rockets: I am taking OKC because Russell Westbrook is the 2017 NBA MVP.

Utah Jazz vs. Los Angeles Clippers: I got to go with the Clippers experience here.

Memphis Grizzlies vs. San Antonio Spurs: As the old saying goes; death, taxes and the San Antonio Spurs making the second round of the NBA Playoffs.

Q: Last question Informer: Who is going to win the NBA Finals?

I have the Golden State Warriors beating the San Antonio Spurs in the Western Conference Finals and the Cleveland Cavaliers beating the Washington Wizards in the Eastern Conference Finals. Then in part three of the Warriors vs LeBron trilogy; I have the 2017 NBA Finals MVP Kevin Durant leading the Golden State Warriors to a 4-1 series victory.  

Final Answer: The Golden State Warriors will be the 2017 NBA Champions.

Can anyone stop Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry and the 2017 Golden State Warriors?