Wednesday, April 30, 2008

"Television Writer"

(Informer Note - The following story you are about to read is completely false. The Informer is doing his best to try and show some Hollywood people that he has the talent to be a television writer. In no way does the following fictional story have anything to do with the recent events of Mr. Roger Clemens. The Informer assures you that he made all of this story up in his mind and decided that you the reader should have a chance to read it. Thank you and enjoy)

Narrator - “Tonight on a very special “How To Catch A Predator” a former baseball star is caught with his cleats off. Let tonight’s episode be a reminder to all, no matter how much money or fame you have, if you are a predator we will find you..”

First Act:

Chris Hansen Host - “Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us here tonight. We are located in the house of famous 15-year old country music star Cindi McYoungster. We are here tonight because of the rumors that a former major league baseball star, Grenade Launcher Lemons, has been carrying on a illegal and illicit affair with the young McYoungster. Hopefully with a little help from our T.V. cameras we can figure out why this is happening, and of course take a predator off the streets.”

(As we fade to the first commercial of the night, the Doorbell rings, things are about to pick up)

Act Two:

Narrator - As we are coming out of the commercial break we have our special undercover agent Shirly Looksyoung telling our predator to come on in side. As she is supposedly just getting out of the shower, she has left our guy alone in the kitchen to make himself comfortable. Little does he know he is about to have his life changed.

S.L. - Come on in Grenade (from the other room) I am just going to finish getting ready, make yourself at home.

G.L. - “Okay Baby (In a Deep I do Steroids Voice), but hurry up, you know the Launcher could go off at any minute.”

S.L. - “O Grenade, your so pushy.”

G.L. - “Sorry baby, sometimes my medicine gives me rage, I’ll calm down.”

"Enter Chris Hansen"

Chris Hansen - “Mr. Lemons, I am Chris Hansen from the T.V. show “How To Catch A Predator” I was hoping I would be able to ask you some questions.”

G.L. - “What the hell is going on here, the Launcher is just here to get a new copy of McYoungster’s C.D not to be on some “Catch a Predator show?”

C.H. - “Is that how you are going to approach this Mr. Lemons, that you were only here to get a CD?”

G.L. - “The truth will set you free my man, and I am just here for the music, as you can see the Launcher is no predator.”

C.H. - “Well, the owner of the baseball team that you stole 28 million dollars from last year may think differently, but that is for another time and place, today we are trying to figure out why you are over at a 15-year old girls house unsupervised.”

G.L. - “Listen man, the Launcher is a married man with children, why in the hell would you think I was here to do anything other then listen to this girls music?”

C.H. - Well Grenade, the fact that you are carrying a bottle of wine, some pills and a box of rubbers doesn’t help your case. O and the fact that you are wearing nothing but a bath robe.”

(At this point Mr. Lemons pushes his chair over and starts heading for the nearest exit as we head to our second commercial break)

Back from Break:

C.H. - “Where are you going, I am not finished with my interview?”

G.L. - “I am not going to sit here and listen to these accusations, everyone knows that when the Launcher isn’t pitching he only wears a bathrobe, and I can assure you these pills are not for little girls.”

C.H. - “That’s fine Mr. Lemons, you are free to go at any time, but know this, when you walk outside there are two police officers waiting to Goldberg you to the ground and then taser the sh*t out of you.”

G.L. - “What do you want from me man, you are sitting here trying to take my life away, I am not some murderer, I am just a married man who made a mistake?”

C.H. - “No Mr. Launcher, you are a predator who is going to prison, where you will never be able to prey on young country music stars ever again.”

(As we head to our third and final commercial Chris motions to the doors as a police officer barges through and “Goldberg’s” the Launcher before proceeding to taser the sh*t out of him)

Back from Break:

Narrator - “Mr. Lemons was once considered the greatest pitcher in baseball. At one time he was worth over 20 million dollars a year. But when you are a predator we will find you, and today thanks to some great work by Mr. Wallace a bad person is off the streets. We said it at the beginning and we will say it again, no matter who you are or what you have done, if you are a bad man we will find you and send you where you belong, sitting in a 8x8 cell. Thank you again for joining us tonight, and have a safe and predator free week.”

(With the credits rolling we get a sneak peak at a debut show”)

Promotional Narrator - “Tonight on a very special “Treynor Hills 51575, A struggling writer turns to booze for a quick fix, will his buddies step up and save the day, or will they join in the trouble? Find out next!”

If you did not enjoy the Informer audition for a Hollywood Writing job, just remember I am only a click away from finding Mr. Hansen’s phone number online and sending him to your house.

So I suggest that you pretend you enjoyed it.

O, and remember that story you just read was completely fictional. (Is fictional the word that means not true, or is that Non Fiction?

Whatever, the story you read was completely fictional, or Non-Fictional.

It was one of the two.