Friday, October 2, 2015

The Informer's 2015 NFL Picks Challenge: Week 4

Ladies and gentlemen, The Informer is not going to lie; he is freaking excited. After three weeks of the 2015 NFL Season your favorite sports writer has posted a career best 31-16-2 (including last night’s push) record against the spread.

Now, just to put my record into perspective, here is a list of how The Informer stacks up with some of the "National Experts" (Their records are on the far right) . . .

Setting aside the fact that the graphic looks like complete dog sh*t, if you look closely you will notice that out of all the "National Experts" (from Grantland, Yahoo, Five-Thirty-Six, CBS, USA Today, Fox, etc.) who make weekly picks against the spread; there is not a single person who has a better record than The Informer's 31-16-2.

That is not a typo folks. The simple truth when it comes to handicapping the NFL is this: If you are looking for the best picks money can buy then The Informer is your Huckleberry.

Anyways, which means please do not interrupt The Informer while he is stroking his own ego and watching Tombstone clips, now that we got all the "look at me bragging" out of the way: How about we crack open the Natties and get on with Week 4 of The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks Challenge?


Here is what The Informer tweeted out Thursday morning before the world found out Josh Scobee is a double agent for the Baltimore Ravens . . .

Needless to say, Josh Scobee as a "football player" -- The Informer is sure he is a nice human being -- is a no good motherless mother ****** #TheInformerHatesYourStinkingGuts!!!

Moving on from the Scobee boning, The Informer would like to point out that the first half under in Prime-time is now 8-2 on the year. For you non math majors, that means it is hitting a staggering 80% of the time. In other words, make sure you adjust your fake illegal wagers accordingly in New Orleans and Seattle this weekend.

Pick: Steelers (+3 PUSH)


Here is my dilemma: Normally on Sundays, The Informer runs home from working the night shift, chugs five Natty Lights, then takes a three hour nap in order to wake up for the noon games. It is a tried and true routine that has worked well for the past three seasons.

The problem this Sunday is the fact that there is a NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE game being played at 8:30am Central time.

So the question becomes: Should The Informer stay up (without a cat nap) to watch the Jets-Dolphins while trying to chug Natties for 14 hours straight after working the overnight shift? Or should The Informer take into consideration that this game features Ryan Fitzpatrick and the New York Jets (boring) and skip it all together while sticking to the normal Sunday routine?

Talk about a conundrum (How in the hell do you spell conundrum?).

"Hey Informer: Why don’t you just call in sick to work? That way you can get some sleep on Saturday night, but still be able to wake up and start crushing Natties at 8:30 while not missing any football action. That is your best option as an alcoholic football fan. Oh and by the way, even a blind mice gets lucky with their picks every once in awhile; so don’t get used to the success because you are bound to come crashing back down to Earth. You want to know why? Because you suck . . . You jackass."

Well . . . Other than the last part, which was really mean-spirited and rude, the figment of The Informer’s imagination has a great idea. Now I guess the question becomes: Which one of The Informer's five kids is going to get the flu on Saturday #WorkExcuses.

Pick: Dolphins (+3)


Dear Colts fans who are upset about the nightmare that is your offensive line right now, please keep in mind that it could be worse; you could be trapped in this elevator . . .

#ThatPrankIsF******Up #ImFreakingOutMan.

Pick: Jags (+9)

(Editor's Note - This pick was originally Colts -9, but with Andrew Luck not playing I am changing the pick to Jags +9. For the sake of having accurate picks, I have embedded the tweet that proves my change of mind took place before the game. Sorry for the confusion.)


Do you all remember in last week’s article how The Informer wrote a gushing section about Antonio Brown and how the guy was on pace for over 2,000 yards receiving and a historically great season? And then the next day Brown’s quarterback got injured followed by Brown’s NFL record streak of 35 straight games with at least 5 receptions and 50 yards getting snapped in his first game without the RoethlisDoubleBaconCheeseberger?

Yea . . . Because of the above scenario, The Informer is going to decline comment on this game and any participants involved who may or may not be having a historically great start to the 2015 NFL Season #TheInformerJinxIsReal.

Pick: Texans (+6)


Shhh . . . Don’t tell Vegas the Carolina Panthers are a really good football team and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are a pile of worthless sh*t #LionKingLockOfTheWeek.

Pick: LKLOTW Panthers (-3)


The last time The Informer was excited to watch a Bills-Giants game this happened . . .

Too soon?

Anyways, which now means please don’t interrupt The Informer while he is getting death threats from every single person in the greater Buffalo area, The Informer is thinking Da Bills are going to circle the wagons while riding Tyrod "The Cannon" Taylor’s arm to some sweet-sweet revenge 24-years later.

Pick: Bills (-5)


The Informer swears to "Tebow" he almost made the Raiders his Lion King Lock of the Week. To answer the next question: No . . . The Informer was not drunk when he wrote that sentence.

Pick: Raiders (-3)


If The Informer ever bets that dumpster fire Kirk Cousins again you all have the right to kick me squarely in the d*ck. Seriously, that dude is the scum between The Informer's toes.

Pick: Washington (+3)


As Kevin Costner once said, you ride a trend until she bucks you, or you don't ride at all. And right now there is no better gambling ride than a Red-Hot (& Headed) Andy Dalton at home giving less than a touchdown.

Pick: Bengals (-4)


Next . . .

Pick: Chargers (-7.5)


The Green Bay Packers are on a short week, after winning a huge Monday Night game, they are traveling to the West coast, 80% of the public is betting on them to cover and they are playing against a quarterback they have never beaten (Kaepernick is 3-0 all-time against Rodgers).

Basically, all the normal gambling rules say to bet against Green Bay this week. Then again, all of the normal gambling rules don’t take into consideration that the Packers will be starting the 2X NFL MVP Aaron Rodgers against the team that passed on taking him in the 2005 NFL Draft in favor of Alex Smith.

The Informer is sorry he is not sorry, but at this point in time if you bet against Aaron Rodgers you are a moron.

Pick: Packers (-8)


According to the National Media Peyton Manning is old; washed up; not capable of throwing a pigskin; has to eat his Blimpies with dentures; has to use a wheel chair to pick up his legalized "hippie lettuce"; is paralyzed from the waist down; has erectile dysfunction; he can't feel his arms; his left leg is missing; rigor mortis has set in; and that he has actually been in a coma for the last four seasons.

Now, despite all of those things going against him, The Informer has no choice but to once again back Manning and his Laser-Rocket-Duck-Launcher.

Pick: Donkeys (-6.5)


Remember how Vegas likes to build Casinos and not give away money to public bettors? Well, because of that fact, The Informer needs to point out that 86% of the public is betting Arizona on Sunday.

Listen, The Informer thinks the Cards will dominate the entire game and win, but somehow, some way, Vegas/St. Louis is going to backdoor cover on Sunday; which means you have to bet the Rams.

"Hey idiot, don't you remember your own rule about never betting against a Bruce Arians coached team at home? And are you seriously going to take Nick Foles on the road against the hottest offense in football? Man, you really are fatter and stupider than I originally thought."

You know what? The made up people in The Informer's head are right. The number one gambling rule for 2015 is that you never bet against Bruce Arians and the Arizona Cardinals when they are playing at home. Forget about the new Casinos and just listen to Bud Kilmer on Sunday #StickToTheBasics.

Pick: Cardinals (-7)


Did you know the last time the Saints played a Sunday night game in October they beat the Green Bay Packers? Did you also know since that time they have lost six straight games in the SuperDome? Well, as The Informer has always said, when your team can’t win a home game the best remedy for the problem is to schedule an appearance by Brandon Weeden.

With a healthy Drew Brees back in the lineup, the Saints will get their first win of the season.

Pick: Saints (-3)


At some point Matthew Stafford is going to realize that he has "The Shredder" Calvin Johnson on his team, right?

Pick: Lions (+10)

And on that note, if you will please excuse me, The Informer has three weeks worth of fake illegal gambling money that needs to be wasted on Blimpies, Natties, Gator Boots and the pimped out Gucci suits . . .

#StillFly #BigTymers #NFLPicks #WinnerWinnerBlimpiesDinner #HaveAGreatWeek4

2015 RECORD: 31-16-2

Friday, September 25, 2015

The Informer's 2015 NFL Picks: Week 3

After picking 11-5 against the spread in Week 2 of the 2015 NFL Season, The Informer is once again ready to make the people money. So with John Football Clipboard hand gestures on the mind, let’s crack those Natties and get right to Week 3 of The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks Challenge.


Here is the deal folks; only an absolute moron would pick Kirk Cousins on the road in Prime-time against an 0-2 Giants team that was playing for their season. So if you know someone who was actually dumb enough to bet Kirk "INT" Cousins last night, you have The Informer’s permission to kick that d-bag squarely in the gonads.

Trust me, they deserve it.
Before we wrap this game up, here is The Informer’s Week 3 stat of the day: Did you know through his first 15 NFL games the great Randy Moss had 64 receptions for 1,281 yards and 16 TDs (an NFL record for TDs through 15 games)? Did you also know through his first 15 NFL games the "ODB" Odell Beckham Jr. has 110 receptions for 1,574 yards (an NFL record for receptions & yards through 15 games) and 14 TDs?

Just saying; enjoy what you are watching in New York, because right now it is pure greatness in the making.

Pick: Skins (+3.5)


Speaking of greatness: Antonio Brown is on pace for 144 receptions 2,624 yards and 16 TDs. Now it would be absurd to think Brown can keep this up (164 yards a game is ridiculous), but if he is able to keep up a semi-pace like say 120 yards a games than he would become the first NFL receiver to reach 2,000 yards in a single season. Again, it is early in the season, but with this Pittsburgh offense, and the greatness of Brown, it is not out of the realm of possibility, right?

As for the gambling portion of this game; since the line is a tossup, The Informer has no choice but to bet against 85% of the public.

Pick: Rams (+1.5)


The last time Adrian Peterson played the San Diego Chargers at home was in 2007 and this happened . . .

So yea . . . The Informer is betting Adrian Peterson on Sunday.

Pick: Vikings (-2.5)


Do we really live in a world where Ryan Mallet and the Houston Texans are favored by 6.5 points even though they are playing without Arian Foster and possibly DeAndre Hopkins (he was undergoing concussion treatment on Thursday)?

Give The Informer the points and the rookie quarterback on the road against J.J. Watt. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Pick: Tampa Bay (+6.5)


Gambling rule #700: If the spread is less than three and you have the chance to bet against Brandon Weeden YOU ALWAYS BET AGAINST BRANDON WEEDEN!!!

Pick: Falcons (-2)


The Informer is going to lose so much money this season betting against the New York Jets #EventuallyRyanFitzpatrickWillRealizeHeIsRyanFitzpatrick.

Pick: Eagles (+2.5)


Shhhhh . . . Be very very quiet. We don’t want to let Vegas know the Panthers and Cam Newton, despite playing without wide receivers, are actually a really good team.

Pick: Panthers (-4.5)


There is no way on Tebow's Green Earth that the red headed gunslinger is going to make history by handing the Ravens their first 0-3 start in the history of Harbaugh, right?

Pick: Bengals (+2.5)


Things The Informer would rather do than have to watch this game: Excersice; eat right; stop drinking Natties; check my cholesterol; shave my you know what parts with a Rambo knife; give up Blimpies; smoke crack with Lawrence Taylor (allegedly); trade places with Andy Dufrane during that time when "The Sisters" took a liking to him; break into Edward Norton's house in the middle of the night; cross the streams; have unprotected carnal relations with Jenny Gump; take a right hook from Mike Tyson; stab my eye out with a soldering iron; drink milk from a saucer; watch every episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians; and finally, bet against 5X NFL MVP Peyton Manning in Prime-time.

In other words, this game sucks donkey balls.

Pick: Raiders (+3.5)


The Informer has no idea which 49ers team is going to show up. Is it the team that played flawless "run and play defense first" football in Week 1? Or will it be the dumpster fire that got boat-raced out of Pittsburgh in Week 2?

Since we can't predict which 49ers team we are getting, The Informer has to go with the surest team in the NFL. Also, there is the whole never, even if there is a fire, bet against Bruce Arians thing.

Pick: Cardinals (-6.5)

(The Informer after the pick stat Last week, after his first career three TD game, Larry Fitzgerald became just the 10th receiver to join the 12,000 yard 90 TD club. The "Original Predator" is now forever linked with; Randy Moss, Jerry Rice, Chris Carter, Terrell Owens, Marvin Harrison, Tim Brown, Issac Bruce, Tony Gonzalez and the great Steve Largent.)


The Informer: "Hey Andrew Luck, will you please eat a Snickers?"

Andrew Luck: "Why?"

The Informer: "Because you play like a drunk Jay Cutler when you are hungry."

Seriously, Andrew Luck has been "Jay Cutler" awful through two games this season. Don’t worry though, that trend is not going to continue. It was just a byproduct of the greatest young QB in NFL history getting to know his new teammates (Frank Gore & Andre Johnson), some horrible "Pep Hamilton System" play calling (Stop trying to be a run first pound the ball offense . . . For the love of Tebow you have freaking Andrew Luck as your quarterback . . . F***ING USE HIM!!!) and of course the fact the Colts have played two of the 10 best defenses in the NFL.

Going 0-2 under those conditions could happen to anyone. That all stops this week though as Luck rights the ship and starts the march to his fourth straight 11 win season.

Pick: Colts (-3)


What a dilemma. Should The Informer follow the "two touchdown underdog rule" or the "always bet against Jimmy Clausen on the road against a desperate 0-2 Seattle team during the same week that Cam Chancellor returns to the lineup no matter how big the spread is rule"?

This really is a hard one.

"Hey Informer, did you hear that unnamed sources have confirmed that HGH sales (allegedly) have reached an all-time high in the Seattle area this past week?"

No figment of The Informer’s imagination, I had not heard that obviously concrete fact (allegedly) about the Seattle area. Talk about a game changer. Now, are we sure it was HGH and not just over the counter non performance enhancing Adderall so Seattle could study better?

Either way, if Seattle is going to be laser-focused in their home opener than there really is only one way to bet this game.

Pick: Seattle (-14.5)


Ace Ventura, would you like to say a few words about this game?

Well said Ace.

As for the pick, The Informer is backing the home team while preparing for a push (this is going to be a last second field goal game).

Pick: Dolphins (-3)


The NFL gambling rules clearly state whenever a team is getting two touchdowns, you bet the dog. You don’t ask questions, you just do it. And since The Informer already ignored this rule once, there is no choice but to back the Jags on the road against Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski.

"Holy f***ing s**t Informer . . . Will you please re-read that last sentence. You just said to bet Blake Bortles on the road against Tom Brady during Tom Brady's 'I am pissed at the NFL and going to win the 2015 NFL MVP Award in spite season.' Seriously, picking the Jags this week maybe the dumbest most idiotic thing you have ever done. Take it back right now before I have to threaten your life you fat-fat moron."

Listen, for the bottom of The Informer's black liver "I apologize" and take it all back. The Informer had one too many Bortles & James wine coolers and one thing led to another. I know that things were said and for that "I am sorry." It was wrong and it will never happen again. The Informer promises. And so we are all clear, there is no way in the bluest of blue hells The Informer is going to bet against Tom Brady this weekend. The above sentence was one drunken mistake. Nothing more.

Pick: Patriots (-13.5)


Everyone say it with me . . .


Somebody please get Simba on the phone, because The Informer just found his Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Donkeys (-3)


Everyone say it with me . . .


Pick: Packers (-6.5)

Have a great Week 3 everyone. May it be filled with Blimpies, Natty Lights and enough winning parlays to buy dem apple bottom jeans and the boots with the fur.

#NFLPicks #FloRida #WinnerWinnerBlimpiesDinner

Friday, September 18, 2015

The Informer's 2015 NFL Picks: Week 2

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Week 2 of The Informer’s 2015 NFL Picks Challenge. After one week of gambling, The Informer is off to a solid 9-6-1 (56%) record against the spread. Obviously, The Informer is thrilled with his 9-6-1 start, but there were still mistakes that could have been avoided (like betting Jacksonville at home) that would have made Week 1 even more lucrative. Never fear though, The Informer promises he has learned from said mistakes and rest assured they will never happen again.

Now before we begin today, The Informer needs to point out that last week Vegas took it on the chin when it came to NFL betting. The Informer does not remember the exact number (I am way to lazy to look it up), but thanks to public favorites like Green Bay and Miami covering, the people in Vegas were not able to build a new Casino.

The Informer is pointing this out to remind everyone that Vegas does not enjoy when they are unable to build new Casinos. They hate it even more when the reason they can't build said new Casino is because they had to give random people tons of money.

So because last week Vegas took such a beating, The Informer wants to warn the public bettor to be prepared for a topsy-turvy Week 2 where unexpected stuff happens (FYI 70% of the public betting K.C. last night knows exactly what The Informer is talking about).

On that note, let’s crack open the Natties and make some money.


(The Informer note Here is what I wrote Thursday morning before kickoff between the Denver Broncos and the Kansas City Chiefs.)

"Hey Informer, it is time to give up the charade. Your boy Peyton ‘noodle arm’ Manning is officially done. Please don’t try and defend him either. We all watched it last Sunday against the Ravens. The dude can no longer play football. Admit it, he is D.O.N.E . . . DONE!!!"

Guys, I am not going to lie to you last week was ugly. Manning looked lost, confused, bewildered, bald, downtrodden, constipated at times, upset and ancy in his pancy. However you want to describe it, the fact is the greatest regular season quarterback ever played like a flaming bag of dumpster fire shit.

But here is the thing; even though Manning played poorly, The Informer will never say he is done. You can call me stupid, naïve, or a dreamer; but The Informer refuses to live in a world where the 5X NFL MVP Peyton Manning is no longer the 5X NFL MVP Peyton Manning.

So until they pull Peyton Manning’s lifeless football corpse from my dead cold fingers, The Informer is going to keep riding the Manning ship even if it is heading to the bottom of the Ocean. And that ride continues Thursday night with The Informer making Peyton Manning -- who is getting points in prime-time against a team he has beaten eight straight games -- the Lion King Lock of the Week.

The 5X NFL MVP is not done folks.

Pick: LKLOTW Donkeys (+3)

(The Informer note Here is what I wrote after watching the Broncos insane 31-24 come-from behind victory over the Chiefs.)

Okay The Informer really has to ask: What in the hell is Gary Kubiak doing? Why is he hell bent on making the 5X NFL MVP a roll out of the pocket and throw on the run quarterback? Seriously, has Kubiak watched football for the past three years? Peyton Manning does not win football games by huddling after every single play while the defense catches their breath. Peyton Manning wins football games by upping the tempo, slinging laser rocket ducks from the shotgun and keeping the defense on their toes by applying constant pressure with audibles and play calls from the line of scrimmage.

Bascially, Manning has won the past three years by playing quarterback chess while the opposing defenses are stuck playing par-cheesy.

So what does Coach Kubiak ? He tries to turn "Mr. 7000" into a regular quarterback by making him huddle after every play (which also allows the defense a chance to huddle) and by making a 39-year old man, who has had four neck surgeries, throw ridiculous bootleg passes.

Folks, please re-read that last sentence. The Broncos new genius coach is making Peyton Manning do naked bootlegs. Again, we are talking about Peyton Manning, a guy who can barely walk, let alone run naked bootleg passes that force him to make throws on the run.

It does not make any f****** sense.

And please don’t start in with the "well, Manning does not have it anymore" bullshit. For those making that argument here is my question: Did you see what happened when the Broncos went no huddle for the first time last night and let Manning call the plays at the line? They scored. Then, did you see what happened when Manning needed to drive 80-yards in one minute to tie the game? Manning went 80-yards and tied the damn game.

Listen, the point of all of this is simple: If you let Manning be Manning, the greatest regular season quarterback in the history of football is going to be great. We have seen it for the last three years and we saw it again last night.

Now someone just needs to explain to Gary Kubiak that when you have a quarterback named Peyton Manning you run whatever f****** system Peyton Manning wants to run. You don’t try to turn him into a shittier version of Matt Schaub.

Okay, now that we got the Gary Kubiak "three and out system" covered, here are five more thoughts from Thursday Night’s miracle Denver win.

5. Chiefs rookie cornerback Marcus Peters is going to be an All-Pro sooner rather than later.

4. Thanks to Justin Houston, DeMarcus Ware and Von Miller; The Informer can say for the first time ever that he really enjoyed watching defenses play football. Those three dudes are a sight to be seen when rushing the passer.

3. C.J. Anderson is the reason The Informer would rather pick one of the stud quarterbacks (like Aaron Rodgers) when it comes to the back end of the first round of fantasy drafts.

2. The Informer knows we already covered this, but what kind of a coach builds an offense that does not focus on getting the ball into Emmanuel Sanders and Demaryius Thomas’ hands?

1. If both the Broncos and Chiefs are not in the playoffs come January, The Informer will be absolutely shocked.


Gambling rules clearly state that you never, not even if there was a fire, bet Ryan Mallet on the road.

Pick: Panthers (-3)


Did you know Jim Brown and Earl Campbell are the only players who have won the NFL MVP during their rookie seasons? The Informer is just throwing that out there. There is no reason at all. I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that impressive little tidbit about NFL history. Again, it is pure coincidence The Informer put it here in the Titans sections.

Anyways, which means please do not interrupt while The Informer is fitting Marcus Mariota for his Gold Jacket, when it comes to gambling on this game, The Informer feels like we have to point out the fact that this line started at Cleveland (-2) and has since moved all the way to Tennessee (-1).

For those who do not know, this type of line movement means every single bet being placed is on a rookie quarterback playing on the road for the first time. In other words, "RED FLAGS!!!". So please beware and gamble with caution on this game.

Now with all of the "red flags" in consideration, The Informer will be putting Mariota in every one of his Super Picks Contests, SurvivorPolls, Three-Team Teasers, Straight Wagers and Parlays #MariotaForPresident #IfinallyHaveAnExcuseToWearMyMossTitansJersey #FreeCollegeForEveryone.

Pick: Titans (-1)


Did you all see Cardinals running back David Johnson’s first NFL TD?

Doesn't that look exactly like Adrian Peterson's first NFL TD?


As far as gambling on this game goes, The Informer is never going to bet against Bruce Arians again. It is not a smart financial decision. Also, since The Informer’s Lion King Lock of the Week was played before this article was published (The Informer did tweet out the Broncos pick), we are going to go ahead and make Carson Palmer and new Adrian Peterson the second Lion King Lock of the Week.

Pick: LKLOTW Cardinals (-1.5)

Here is proof of said tweet . . .

Normally, The Informer would be all over the West Coast team flying to the East Coast for a noon game, but in this case that rule does not really apply because the Bengals spent last weekend on the West Coast; which means they are also technically flying West-to-East for this game.

So really this game comes down to who The Informer wants to root for. In this case, The Informer is going to root for "The Sickness" A.J. Green so he is going to be betting on "The Sickness" A.J. Green.

Also, Andy Dalton has won his last three home openers by an average of 10 points so that has to count for something.

Pick: Bengals (-3)


The Informer has one question about each of these two teams.

Lions: How in the hell does Calvin Johnson only have three passes thrown his direction?

Vikings: How in the hell does Adrian Peterson only get 10 carries in a game?

The team who decides to fix their above question this week is the team that will win this game.

Pick: Vikings (-3)


Here is The Informer’s brilliant rational for betting Tampa on the road: In Week 5 of the 2014 NFL Season the Tampa Bay Buccaneers went into the Super Dome as a double digit underdog and only lost by six points so we know they can cover a double digit spread.

Pretty sound reasoning, right (shaking head no).

In case you are not convinced, here is an actual logical reason to back Famous Jameis on the road:

86% of the public is betting the Saints. (Remember the whole Vegas and Casinos thingy?)

Pick: Tampa Bay (+10)


Remember last week when The Informer made the mistake of betting the Jacksonville Jaguars at home? Yea . . . That will never happen again.

Pick: Jaguars (+6)


The Atlanta Falcons are going to win this game outright. Don’t be fooled by the close game last Sunday night, the New York Giants are terrible and will not be able to stop the high flying Atlanta offense.

Look for Julio Jones to continue his domination of the NFL with another 100-yard game while leading the Falcons to a double digit victory.

Pick: Falcons (+2.5)


The Informer has a little secret for anyone who did not stay up for the Monday Nightcap in Week 1: The San Francisco 49ers are going to be a tough team to play this season. They still have that hardcore run first offense (Carolos Hyde is a stud in the making), and even better, thanks to the return of Navarro Bowman, they still have their physical defense.

The Informer knows overreacting to the first week can be a slippery slope, but if Week 1 is any indication that means San Fran is going to be playing meaningful football late into the 2015 season.

Pick: 49ers (+5.5)


Kevin McCallister, can you please explain to the world how The Informer feels about this game?

Pick: Rams (-3.5)


The Informer can’t in good conscious pick Tyrod "The Cannon" Taylor over Tom Brady. Not when Brady is playing in "Show Goodell how my a** taste" mode.

Pick: Patriots (-1)


If you are a person who would lay a bet on the Raiders in a game where Matt McGloin could be prominently involved, then you really need to call 1-800-BETSOFF.

Pick: Ravens (-5.5)


The Informer is going to jump on the points and hope "Mr Clutch" Tony Romo shows up again on Sunday.

Pick: Cowboys (+5.5)


Can the defending NFC Champions really start the season 0-2? Will Aaron Rodgers finally beat Russell Wilson (he is 0-3 including playoffs)? Can the Packers erase the memory of the "Fail Mary", the "Opening Day Massacre", and the NFC Championship Game? Is Cam Chancelor really going to hold out for the next three seasons? Is James Jones Batman? Is Marcus Mariota going to be elected President? Is Marshawn Lynch’s mom going to be live tweeting this game with her feelings on the play calling? Speaking of play calling: How come the Seattle Seahawks can’t convert on fourth and one? I am the only one who is really excited for this game?

Ask you can see, The Informer has a lot of questions heading into Sunday night.

Pick: Packers (-3.5)


For everyone who is currently jumping off of the Colts 2015 bandwagon please keep this in mind: During Week 1 of the 2014 NFL Season the New England Patriots lost on the road 33-20 and yet they were still able to overcome the defeat to win the Super Bowl. Furthermore, in 2014 the Colts started the season 0-2, before rebounding to make a run to the AFC Title game.

So please, before you injure yourself jumping, remember that it is a long season and the Colts still have Andrew Luck.

In other words, they will be fine.

As for this game; under no circumstances will The Informer ever bet Ryan Fitzpatrick on the road against Andrew Luck in Prime-time. It does not matter how poor the Colts looked in Week 1, or how good the Jets played, there is nothing on the face of Tebow’s Green Earth that will ever make me call my fake bookie and say the words, "Give me the Harvard man".

Pick: Colts (-7)

Have a great Week 2. May it be filled with winning bets, lots of Natties and all the Blimpies you can handle. Now D.J. please hit The Informer's Week 2 music . . .

#BetItWhileTheBettinIsGood #TooShort #WinnerWinnerBlimpiesDinner

Saturday, September 12, 2015

The Informer's 2015 NFL Picks: Week 1

Can you BOLIEVE it is year eight of The Informer writing this NFL Picks column? Eight freaking years man? I guess the old saying really is true, "time totally disappears when you are an alcoholic."

Natty Light abuse aside, one thing that happened over the course of the past eight seasons is The Informer has learned a lesson or two about NFL gambling.

Whether it is Vegas never loses (see New England-Pittsburgh push if you need evidence of that), bookies are not your best friend, parlays are a sucker bet, teasers are the devil, or that you never -- not even if there is a fire -- bet against Tom Brady or Peyton Manning in prime-time; The Informer has been made a wiser gambler by picking every game each week.

Of course, since The Informer is a wiser man from these past eight years, he has actually developed a set of NFL gambling rules that he never always follows in order to maximize the potential on fake illegal wagers he places.

These are the so called "golden rules" The Informer has used to pick over 52% against the spread four of the last five seasons (history shows they work).

These are also the "golden rules" The Informer wants to share with his reader (yes singular) today so that we can all enjoy in the spoils that comes from making fake illegal wagers with some dude named Fat Tuna Fish.

So with that in mind, before we get to the Week 1 picks, here are the rules . . .

Rule #1

As we mentioned above you never bet against Tom Brady or 5x NFL MVP Peyton Manning in Prime-time (If they are playing each other in prime-time take the home quarterback).

Rule #2

Be careful against the home underdog. Unless of course that dog is named Jacksonville.

Rule #3

Bet the first half under. Don’t question the why, just do it.

Rule #4

If 80% of the public is betting one way, you should bet the other. Again, there is a reason Vegas builds Casinos, and it is not because the public is good at gambling.

Rule #5

Don’t lose money betting a crappy quarterback. The Informer is talking about guys like Ryan Fitzpatrick, the Texans QB, and whatever dumpster fire they start in Cleveland.

Rule #6

West Coast teams flying to the East Coast for a noon game have a hard time covering the spread.

Rule #7

Same thing goes for the team coming off of a huge victory the week before (this is called a letdown game and they are real).

Rule #8

If the spread is 14 or higher, always take the dog.

Rule #9

If two garbage teams are playing always take the points.

Rule #10

When it comes to Week 1; throw all of the rules out because it is going to be a clusterf*** of mass gambling proportions that nobody except Vegas can accurately predict (Week 1 is by far the hardest week to handicap).

Okay . . . Now that we have all of the rules covered: D.J. could you please hit The Informer’s music so we can f****** gamble?

Dear Lord, no one wants to here the damn "Duck Song" before they gamble. Come on D.J. you can do better than that.

Yes beer is good, we can agree there, but could we maybe play something a little more upbeat and joyful? You know, some Hammer, or Taylor Swift? Hell, you can even play that Wizzard Khalifa guy. The Informer doesn't care, just put a funky-fresh beat on so we can get this show on the road.

Holy f**k!!! Is that Hanson? Just wow . . . This column has officially reached an all-time low. Will everyone just please crack's open their Natties and we will pretend this opening never happened?

Does that sound good to y'all?

Good . . . Great . . . Grand . . .Wonderful!!!

And on that note, ladies and gentlemen welcome to Week 1 of The Informer's 2015 NFL Picks Column.

As always, I hope you all enjoy #MMMbop.


Since 2011 the Green Bay Packers are 9-1 (including playoffs) against the Chicago Bears. In those games the Packers have won by seven or more points eight of the nine times. Furthermore; last season the Packers outscored Chicago 93-31.

Do you all see what The Informer is getting at here?

"Hey Informer, did you know that 86% of the public is currently betting the Packers? Isn’t that one of your rules? To always bet against the big public bet? Also, did you know that 15 of the 30 people in your NFL suicide poll picked the Packers on Sunday? Do you see what I am getting at?"

Soooo . . . The figment of my imagination is saying that the smart bet is on Jay Cutler and the Bears because this is the way to obvious game that keeps hotel lights on in Vegas? Okay, that is a fair point, but the figment of my imagination is over looking one key thing about this pick: There is no way in the bluest of blue hells The Informer is going to bet Jay Cutler against the Packers.

Pick: Packers (-7)


The Informer swears he is done arguing against everyone who thinks that 2014 J.J. Watt had the greatest single season any football player has ever had in the 96-year history of the NFL.

You all win.

After the season he had, J.J. Watt should have won the MVP, been named President of the Untied States and been allowed to marry Linsey Lohan (is Linsey Lohan still a thing? Cameron Diaz? Who is the hot chick these days?)

With that concession being made, there is one question The Informer would like to ask: If Watt’s season was so great, what does that say about Justin Houston and his NFL leading 22 sacks in 2014?

I mean if 20.5 sacks is the greatest ever, what does that mean for 22? Does it mean we should retroactively go back and make Justin Houston the MVP instead of Watt? Just saying, didn’t Justin help the Chiefs not make the playoffs the same exact way Watt helped the Texans (that answer is yes)? So then why is Watt the greatest player ever and Houston is not? And why does it bother me so damn much that people are anointing J.J. Watt the greatest thing since sliced Blimpies?

Okay, so that was more like four questions, but you get the point. Justin Houston is a beast on defense. J.J. Watt is a beast on defense. And neither guy should have been the 2014 NFL MVP.

End of weekly "J.J. Watt is not the greatest ever" rant.

As for the game, The Informer is going with the Chiefs because they have a reliable quarterback, Jamaal Charles and a great defense while the Texans have Brian Hoyer and Alfred Blue.

Also, if you can bet game props, put some dough on Jeremy Maclin catching a touchdown. Something tells me the Chiefs (who did not throw a single TD pass to a WR last year) are going to try and get Maclin involved early and often on Sunday.

Pick: Chiefs (+1)


This game sucks. In the words of Forrest Gump, "that is all I have to say about that."

Pick: Browns (+3.5)


Tyrod "The Cannon" Taylor versus 2015 NFL MVP Andrew Luck?

Wow, talk about a toss-up. No really, The Informer is totally torn on this one. Sure, Andrew Luck is the best young quarterback in the NFL, but the Bills are starting Tryod "The Cannon" Taylor. Think about that for a second, the dude's middle name is "The Cannon". How can this guy not cover 2.5 points against a team The Informer thinks will be a Super Bowl contender in 2015?

Seriously, is there anything scarier in Vegas than hearing the words "Tyrod 'The Cannon' Taylor is getting 2.5 points against Andrew Luck?"

To answer the next question: Yes The Informer is just f******* with you. The Colts are obviously this week's Lion King Lock of the Week.

Lock and load Ramathorn.

Pick: LKLOTW Colts (-2.5)


If gambling these past eight years has taught The Informer anything, it is when there are three sure fire road favorites to choose from (Colts, Packers & Dolphins), you can bank on something weird happening causing at least one of the teams to not cover.

So the question now becomes: What should The Informer do? Back a worthless Kirk Cousins against The informer’s favorite breakout player of 2015 --Ryan "RT1" Tannehill? Go back to the top of the article and change the pick so that he is either betting against Aaron Rodgers (and 86% of the public) or Andrew Luck while siding with Jay Cutler or Tyrod "The Cannon" Taylor? Or should The Informer completely ignore all of his own rules and put Tannehill, Luck and Rodgers in a three-teamer that will pay for my kid’s college?

Honestly, if you have been reading The Informer for the past eight seasons you know exactly where this is heading #FreeCollegeForEveryone

Pick: Dolphins (-3.5)


Instead of talking about this game, how about we share some funny "Patriots are cheaters memes"?

There is this one . . .

And this one . . .

Then there is Classic Mel . . .

Shirtless Tom Brady hugging a football?

Then there is this one . . .

This one is really funny . . .

And last but not least . . .

LOL . . . The HGHawks. What a great meme.

Pick: Jags (+3)


Speaking of the HGHawks, The Informer does not care that Seattle has not covered the last three times they went to St. Louis; they will win and cover this game. Watch for a huge two TD performance from the HGHawks newest tight end addition.

Pick: Seahawks (-4)


Number one on the list of things The Informer never thought he would say: "I can’t freaking wait to watch the Titans-Bucs game on Sunday".

That is not a lie. The Informer is actually excited to watch the Mariota-Winston showdown. It should be a fun one.

When it comes to betting this game, The Informer is backing the Titans because of their defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau. No really, did you know that since 1995 Dick LeBeau is 26-3 versus rookie QBs? Now, The Informer has never claimed to be a rocket Scientologist, but even I know that a 26-3 record is impressive.

So good luck on Sunday Jameis. The Informer will be rooting for you, but he will be betting on Tennessee blue.

Pick: Titans (+3)


75% of the public betting against Drew Brees? The Informer will take them odds.

Pick: Saints (+3)


Who is up for a game of let’s compare Calvin, Randy and Jerry’s first eight seasons?

Calvin Johnson: 643 receptions, 10,405 yards, 74 TDs and six 1,000 yard seasons

Jerry Rice: 610 receptions, 10,273 yards, 103 TDs and seven 1,000 yard seasons

Randy Moss: 634 receptions, 10,147, 98 TDs and seven 1,000 yard seasons

In the immortal word's of Bill Walton, "Who's better?"

Pick: Lions (+3)


The Informer really wanted to pick the Raiders in this game, because contrary to popular opinion the Raiders are going to be vastly improved this year, but this is Week 1; which means The Informer has to take the Bengals and the red-headed gunslinger because they are the better team.

Pick: Bengals (-3)


Last season 5x NFL MVP Peyton Manning threw for 4,727 yards (the second most in his career) despite not having any arm strength, not being able to play in the cold and having a torn quadriceps.

Last season 5x NFL MVP Peyton Manning threw 39 touchdowns (behind only Andrew Luck who had 40) despite the fact that the National Media said he was too old to still play at a high level.

And finally, last season was the eleventh straight year Manning finished with a completion percentage above 65% percent despite the fact that he had four neck surgeries three years ago and has since had no feelings in his fingertips.

What is The Informer’s point?

Pretty simple; the 5x NFL MVP Peyton Manning would not have came back to play this season if he was not still going to be Peyton 5x NFL MVP freaking Manning.

So to all of the people who are again saying (this will be the fourth straight year of the Manning is done rhetoric) that this is the year Manning dies; please stop. Manning is still going to be good for 4,000 yards, 30+ TD passes and a "laser-rocket arm" while leading a loaded Broncos team to their fourth straight AFC West title.

Pick: Broncos (-4.5)


Scoring machine Dez Bryant going head to head with Odell Beckham Jr., aka the man that NFL physics forget. Talk about giving a guy a "Mike's friend from Growing Pains in sweatpants".

As for the gambling portion of this contest, The Informer is going to back the Giants because this game is going to come down to a Cowboys last second field goal. So if The Informer is right, that means the Cowboys will win, but will not cover the 6.5 points.

That folks is called standard gambling math.

Pick: Giants (+6.5)


The Informer really likes the Philadelphia Eagles this season. If Sam Bradford can stay healthy, this is going to be a really, really, good team. So of course, since The Informer absolutely loves the Eagles this year, he is going to pick against them Week 1.

For those that don't know, The Informer is a moron.

Pick: Falcons (+3)


Other than the Philadelphia Eagles, there is not another team getting more love around the nation than the Minnesota Vikings. With the return of the 10,000 yard man, the growth of Ted Football and a new stadium on the horizon; the sky is the limit for the 2015 Minnesota Vikings.

Well, The Informer would like to see it before he starts giving points on the road to a team that won seven games in 2014.

Pick: 49ers (+2.5)

That is a wrap folks. Please enjoy Week 1. May your Sunday be filled with winning parlays, cases of Natty and all the Blimpies a stomach can handle.

Now D.J. let's try this one last time: Will you please hit the dance music and take us home?


(The Informer note - Just so everyone knows, The Question will be back next week. Do to some scheduling issues we were not able to get his picks edited into the article. Don't worry though, to keep things on the up and up (wouldn't want him to pretend he went undefeated in Week 1) I will post his picks on my twitter before kickoff Sunday. Mahalo.)

Thursday, September 10, 2015

2015 NFL Season Prop Bets & Thursday Night Pick

After months of talking about deflated balls, courtroom dramas, overbearing commissioners, tainted legacies and all the other garbage that comes with the offseason; we can finally talk about actual football.

No longer will we have to spend endless nights listening to pundits explain why it is wrong for rookies to have a fall guy. No longer will we have to read 10,000 word stories about scandals from the year 2000. And best of all, no longer will we have to listen to "talking head blowhards" debate whether or not Tim Tebow is better than RG3-13.

Nope. All of the garbage is done. For the next five months the only thing that matters is the actual football being played on Sunday.

Whether it is Andrew Luck making the MVP leap; Peyton Manning proving he is still the 5x NFL MVP; Adrian Peterson canceling Christmas; Ryan "RT1" Tannehill becoming elite; Calvin Johnson regaining his spot as the best WR in the game; Jay Cutler causing a five month long depression in the Windy City; J.J. Watt; Rex Ryan trying to end the Buffalo Bills' playoff drought; Khalil Mack trying to bring respect to Oakland; Mariota vs. Winston; Tom Brady vs. the World; Odell Beckham Jr. defying the laws of NFL gravity; or Alex Smith trying to game manage his team to a Super Bowl; it is finally time to stop the speculating and start watching the storylines play out on the field.

Oh yea . . . And did The Informer mention the sweet-sweet return of the parlay, the teaser, the prop bet, the first half under, Peyton Manning in prime-time, home underdogs, long odds, short odds, money lines, points spreads, hedging, miracle covers and betting against Jay Cutler, Ryan Fitzpatrick and whomever is starting for the Cleveland Browns?

Speaking of gambling; since the NFL season is kicking off in less then 12 hours, for today’s article The Informer thought we would break down all of the "fake" prop bets he made for this season, before picking tonight’s game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the New England Patriots.

So with that in mind, let’s stop all the jibber-jabber and start the gambling.

(The Informer note As always, please keep in mind that these are all hypothetical wagers that should not be taken seriously unless you live in the great state of Las Vegas where gambling is legal. Furthermore; it needs to be noted that The Informer in no way condones, or advises, anyone to sign up for an illegal offshore Caribbean gambling website like RealBet, SportsBook, USABets, TopBet, Bovada, or take part in any other activity where a person could make illegal wagers. Doing so is not only illegal, but it is considered a mortal sin in most of the world’s religions. So again, what you are about to read is for entertainment purposes only. Thank you and enjoy.)


Andrew Luck over 34 TD passes

This is actually The Informer’s Lion King Lock of the Year. In other words, "Lock and load Ramathorn."

Drew Brees over 4,600 passing yards

Drew Brees has passed for over 4,600 yards five straight years and six of the last seven. In the world of gambling that is what we like to call a trend. And no, losing a tight end who had less than 1,000 yards receiving last season does not scare The Informer one bit.

Adrian Peterson over 1,250 yards rushing

Do you all remember the last time people told Adrian Peterson he would not be the same? Yea . . . So does The Informer.

A.J. Green over 1,200 yards receiving yards

The Informer likes this bet because A.J. "The Sickness" Green is about to become just the second guy in the history of the NFL to finish with at least 1,000 yards receiving in each of his first five seasons; which makes this a decent prop bet.

For those wondering, the great Randy Moss is currently the only guy to ever accomplish this feat.

Calvin Johnson over 10 TD catches

"The Shredder" is going to regain his title as the best in the business by racking up touchdowns at an alarming rate.

Julio Jones over 1,300 yards

The Informer made this fake bet before Julio Jones signed his new contract under the assumption that Jones was about to have a great "contract season". With that said; only 1,300 yards for Julio seems like a steal of a bet.

Dez Bryant over 11.5 TD catches

Did you know that there is not a single player in the NFL who can say they have caught more touchdowns (56) than Dez Bryant since the former Oklahoma State WR entered the NFL in 2010?

Ryan Tannehill over 4,000 yards passing

Ryan Tannehill is going to have a monster season so you might as well win money watching him do it.

Derek Carr over 21 TD passes

Derek Carr had 21 TD passes as a rookie even though he played the entire season without one single receiver who would actually be considered an NFL caliber player. So thinking he will have at least that many as a second year player after the Raiders added Michael Crabtree and Amari Cooper is not that much of a stretch.

Ameer Abdullah to win ROY (+1300)

Marcus Mariota to win ROY (+600)

The Informer likes both of these guys a lot. And with long odds, these are lottery tickets that could pay well in the end.

Tampa Bay wins the NFC South (+555)

The Informer was drunk when he made this bet.

Arizona (+500), San Francisco (+1100) and Rams (+750) to win NFC West

The thinking here is that the Super Bowl hangover curse is a real thing and that Seattle, after four straight years of winning, is due for an "everything goes wrong" type of season. So if everything does go wrong in Seattle this season, that means The Informer wins money. And if it doesn’t then The Informer will have another excuse to hate the HGHawks.

Texans under 8.5 wins (+110)

Ask anyone in the National media and they will tell you that J.J. Watt had the greatest season in the history of football last year. And you know what? The Texans still barely won nine games. So the thinking here is that Houston will be worse thanks to the facts that they lost Andre Johnson (a future Hall of Famer), they have an injured Arian Foster, they don’t have an NFL caliber starting QB and Watt who again had the greatest season in the 96 year NFL history a year ago is due to come back down to Earth at least a little. Add that all up, and it feels like they could be a half game worse than a season ago.

Denver over 10.5 wins (+110)

All Peyton Manning does is win 11 football games and the AFC West every year.

Skins under 6.5 wins (-110)

Is the Friday before Week 1 to early to mark this bet as a "W"?

Colts over 11 wins (-110)

Andrew Luck has won at least 11 games every year he has played in the NFL. So at worst, The Informer gets a push here.

Lions over 8.5 wins (+110)

The Informer made this bet before looking at the Lions brutal schedule (yikes). With that said; if Calvin stays healthy, Stafford continues to improve (he is only 27 years old) and Ameer fills the Reggie Bush roll then this team will be in position to give The Informer’s family a happy Christmas.

Panthers under 8.5 wins (-110)

Same bet as last year. Until Carolina can field an offense, they are not going to win nine games.

Atlanta to make playoffs (+150)

Lions to make playoffs (+160)

Atlanta plays in the NFC South, so no explanation needed there. As for Detroit, The Informer thinks they have the talent to reach the playoffs in back to back seasons for the first time since the Barry Sanders era (last time Detroit made back to back was the 1994 and 1995 seasons).

"Cheese and rice Informer, you made 23 prop bets? Dude you really need to think about calling 1-800 Bets-off. Seriously, you have problems."

Hey Mr. condescending judgmental figment of The Informer’s imagination: Don't you remember when The Informer said these were "fake illegal wagers"? Or how The Informer said "these are just some of the bets I would make if I had an 'illegal bookie' to make them through?"

Basically, don't you remember when the top of the article advised that this was being written for entertainment purposes only?

So how about you get off your non-gambling high horse and shut the hell up while The Informer gives the people free money?

Anyways, as The Informer was saying before he was rudely interrupted, now that we have the season long prop bets out of the way it is time to get to the main event.


The Informer is going to say this one time and one time only: Other than making good natured jokes at the Patriots expense, there will be no mention of Deflategate, Spygate, WaterGate, Bill Gates or anything that rhymes with the word gate in this article ever again.

Why you ask?

Because The Informer does not give two sh*ts about deflated footballs and controversies that are over 10 years old. The cold hard truth is last season the Patriots beat the Colts by seven hundred points and then went on to beat a very good Seattle HGHawks squad in the Super Bowl. There is no conspiracy, cheating scandal, steroid use or rooms full of deflated footballs that would have changed those outcomes.

End of story.

Now, getting back to the game at hand, the Steelers are playing without Le’Veon Bell and Martavis Bryant tonight while the Patriots are playing with fully inflated balls, new spyware (allegedly) and a pissed off Tom Brady.

Doesn’t that sound like advantage New England?

Plus, there is the whole "New England is going to be playing in full F-U mode like it is 2007 all over again" thingy. Combine that with the fact that the home team is 12-1 since the NFL started doing these Thursday Night games, and The Informer is thinking the 66% of the public are about to win their first bet of the season.

Pick: New England (-7)

Have a great opening night everyone. Also, just so everyone is not worried, due to some scheduling issues and other factors beyond my control, the rest of The Informer’s Week 1 NFL Picks will be posted either Saturday or Sunday morning. So keep an eye out for those as opening Sunday inches closer and closer.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

The Informer's First Annual Bill Simmons-Style End of Summer Mailbag

Before we begin The Informer would like to give a big shout-out to everyone who took the time to send in questions. With out all of your contributions, this article would not have been able to happen. So thank you all from the bottom of The Informer's butter filled heart.
Okay, so now that we have the mushy stuff out of the way, everyone please crack open them Natties, and enjoy The Informer’s First Annual Bill Simmons-Style End of Summer Mailbag.

Q: Will the Denver Broncos miss the playoffs this season? And where would you rank Peyton Manning all-time if his career ended today?
-- Kim, Denver, Colorado
This is a perfect place to start, because for some reason the "National Media" has, for the fourth straight season, once again tried to start the "Peyton Manning is washed up" talk. The Informer is not lying. This is the fourth straight year where everyone is saying there is no way Manning can hold up, his arm strength is this and cold weather blah . . .blah . . . freaking blah.
Listening to the haters hate on Manning is really one of the most annoying parts of any upcoming season. Seriously people, the dude is great. Just accept it and move on. Stop trying to be the person who makes a bold prediction on Manning losing all his ability to play football, so on the 1-1 billionth (Is billionth a word?) chance it happens, you can have bragging rights later in the season (this is the same guy who will change his tone bye Week 5 and say he always knew Manning was capable of playing like an MVP).

You know what though? Let the haters hate. Because the people who actually watch Manning on a week to week basis, and don't just listen to the "National Media" make up storylines, know that once again this season the 5x NFL MVP Peyton Manning is going to play like a 5x NFL MVP.

Listen, The Informer is sorry he has to upset all the Manning haters, but history is history and Manning's history has proven year after year that the man with the most MVP awards ever is not going to win less than 11 games.
So no, the Broncos are not going to miss the playoffs. They will be a one or two seed in the AFC and then it will come down to whether or not Manning is healthy (remember last year he played the final month with a torn quad) as to how far they make it.

Q: Hey Informer, I hear that you are a great usher during people's weddings. So, because you are so good at ushering people in the right direction, I was wondering if you could tell me who is going to the NFL Championship games, who is going to be leading at the final buzzer of said NFL Championship games, and who will be sitting atop the NFL when it is all said and done?
-- Justin, North Platte, Nebraska
It is true about the usher thing. In fact, The Informer was an usher for his friend Justin’s wedding two weeks ago (total coincidence that a guy named Justin asked this question) and basically every person in the audience said The Informer was hands down the greatest usher in the history of weddings.
Unfortunately, despite all the accolades, it was later discovered that The Informer was using performance enhancers (Natty Lights) before the wedding and thus the “Usher Hall of Fame” has declared The Informer's performance ineligible to receive any kind of awards or recognition.  
It is truly a tragic situation that The Informer feels horribly about. Honestly guys, The Informer thought he was drinking Adderall out of a can. The Informer had no idea it was actually Natty Light.
I swear to "Tebow".
But in the end, what goes into my body is my responsibility. So The Informer will take this punishment and learn from it. And hopefully one day you all can forgive me.
Getting back to the sport's question: Broncos, Bengals, Patriots and Colts will be the final four in the AFC with the Colts beating the Broncos to reach the Super Bowl. On the other side the Packers, Eagles, Lions and Seahawks will be the final four in the NFC with the Packers beating Seattle to make the Super Bowl.
Then we will see Andrew Luck take down Aaron Rodgers in one of the greatest QB vs. QB battles the Super Bowl has ever witnessed.
Q: Dear lord, is this going to be another 5,000 word article where all you do is talk about how Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck give you a boner? Seriously Informer, how come you never write about good people; like the Miami Dolphins and Ryan Tannehill? P.S. - No one likes you and they think your are an ugly, overweight, jackass.
-- Vern, Iowa

Hey Vern in Iowa, it is spelled you’re ugly. Not your.
Now, despite your very hurtful words, The Informer will gladly answer the question; because that is what The Informer does.
So, the reason The Informer is always writing about Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning, is because they are awesome. Trust me; once Ryan "RT1" Tannehill takes the next step and becomes this generations Tom Brady, The Informer promises he will write about him all the time to.
(The Informer note - For those new to The Informer, the reason he is Ryan "RT1" Tannehill is because he is the first ever Ryan Tannehill. Kind of like Robert Griffin is the third Robert Griffin. I’m glad we got that all cleared up.)
Q: Which NFL draft class has had the most impact during your lifetime? 1989, 1993 or something more recent?
-- A.J., Iowa
Answering strictly off of the top of my head, it is pretty hard to beat the 1997 NFL Draft. That was the year Peyton Manning, Charles Woodson, Ryan Leaf and Randy Moss all came into the league. Just saying, three of those guys are in the conversation as the best to ever play their position and the other guy gave us this Beats by Dre commercial . . .

Q: What inspired you to want to go into sports writing as a young man?
-- My Mother, Niobrara, Nebraska
The main reason The Informer wanted to become a sports writer is because of "The Sports Guy" Bill Simmons. After The Informer first started reading Simmons in 2002, there was no doubt in my mind that one day I wanted to do what he was doing --i.e. make people laugh while they read my obscure sports takes.

P.S. - Thanks for the question mom.
Q: Did you like the ending to SummerSlam? Do you think this now means we will get Lesnar/Taker III at WrestleMania in Texas?
-- @Sweetnesz13
If you would have asked me this question two weeks ago, The Informer would have groaned at the thought of watching Lesnar/Taker for the third time. But after Sunday night, all The Informer can say is "please let there be a rubber match at Mania."
Q: Is the Washington Nationals problem a lack of leadership by the face of their franchise Bryce Harper? And what do you think Matt Williams future as a manage is?
-- Caleb, Tennessee
Remember a few years ago when the Nationals had the best team in baseball and decided instead of winning the World Series they were going to shut down their ace pitcher and hope for the best? Yea . . . That is what is wrong with this franchise. It has nothing to do with a 21-year olds leadership and everything to do with the karma “Tebow's” punishing upper management for making decisions that are not about winning baseball games.

As for the second question; The Informer has no idea who in the bluest of blue hells Matt Williams is. Is he the guy who used to play third base for the San Francisco Giants during the early 90s?
Q: What do the Portland Trailblazers have to do to be relevant again?

-- Brady, Oregon
First and foremost they need to stop drafting broken down centers (Bowie, Oden) over once in a generation scorers (Michael, Durant). That would be a good start. The other thing they need to do is tank this season so they can get a high draft pick next year.

And yes, The Informer is going to advise every team in the West tank this season, that way Kobe can get back into the playoffs #LongLiveMamba.

Q: I'm a lifelong Vikings fan, but I have a fairly rigid anti-child abuse policy. So what the hell am I supposed to do now?
-- Patrick, Auburn, Nebraska
Pat you are from Nebraska so I am assuming you are a Huskers fan. So my question to you is: Did you root for the 1995 Huskers? Just saying, there were some pretty shady characters on that team, yet we still love them and consider them to be the greatest human beings to ever walk the Earth.

Besides, doesn't everyone deserves a second chance to do the right thing? Don't get me wrong, what Peterson did was despicable and there is no place for that in our society. But the dude paid his punishment (legally and professionally), he has apologized, and now he deserves the second chance to prove he is a better person who will never make that mistake again.

As long as he does that, there is no reason for you not to root for the Vikings.
Other than all of the losing of course.
Q: Is it a violation to take your wife to a fantasy football draft?
-- Brady, Oregon
Let me guess Brady, your wife is also your best friend? I mean come on man . . . Unless she is in the league, it is most definitely a violation to take her to the draft.
Here is the thing; you have every other day of the year to hang out with your wife. So don't let her tag along on the one day it is supposed to be about your friends and football. 
Q: Are you f****** kidding me? I am not your best friend? Have any of your so called "best friends" pushed a kid out of their body for you? You better sleep with one eye open ass clown. Also, why don't you tell the world how you were not even man enough to ask me to go to your draft? Instead you just did it on the computer while begging me to "be nice" to you. I agree with Vern, you are a f****** jackass.
-- Mrs. Informer, Parts Unknown
See what I am talking about Brady. My wife wouldn’t even let me leave the house and then she publicly shamed me about it while calling me an ass clown. Seriously, who does that?  
Honestly though, you want to know what is even worse than the public shaming and naming calling? The actual transcript from the night of my draft.

Here it is . . .
Me: “Well damn, I had to overpay but at least I got Andrew Luck.”
My Wife: "Really you are going to drink another beer?"
Me: "Do you think I should draft Carolos Hyde or Mike Evans?”
My Wife: "Do you think I should stab you in your sleep or put rat poison in your Blimpie sandwich?"

Me: "Holy sh*t I got Julio Jones for $47. I can't remember the last time I was this freaking excited?"

My Wife: "I don't know, how about when we got married? Or when your f****** son was born two months ago?"

Me: “I love you (said with a Ron Burgundy upper inflection)?"
My Wife: "I want a divorce."
I’m telling you Brady, don’t get divorced at your fantasy draft. That is no fun for anyone involved. Instead get the wife a nice bottle of wine, rent Magic Mike Part Two, then sneak out the back door and enjoy the male bonding experience.
Q: What is your favorite Jay Cutler meme? Personally, I like the one where he is playing Russian Roulette and its says, "I bet he misses". LOL, classic Jay Cutler.
-- Snaps, Iowa

The Informer is pretty fond of this one . . .

Q: Speaking of Jay Cutler, will he ever lead the Bears to the playoffs again?
-- Snaps, Iowa
The Informer bet the Bears under eight wins this season. So for this year the answer is hopefully no. With that said; do not sleep on John Foxx as the Bears new head coach. Remember, this is a guy who took Jake Delhomme to a Super Bowl and won a playoff game with Tim Tebow as his quarterback.
Q: Hey Informer, did you see that your Huskers PA announcer got arrested for bilking old ladies out of their hard earned money? That's shady stuff, dude.
-- Pat, California
Does bilking mean having sex with? Was this dude actually prostituting himself out to old ladies? Gross.
Q: Will Ryan Fitzpatrick still somehow be starting for a team in the year 2025? Seriously, how does this guy keep getting work?
-- Joey, Chicago
Ladies and gentlemen, you’re 2025 Cleveland Browns.
Q: On baseball fields they have foul lines & foul poles. Why aren't they called fair lines and fair poles?
-- Jim, St. Louis
"Freakin Obama."
 Q: Have you watched You're the Worst on FX yet? That is some underatted TV right there.
-- @thepatjanssen
Criminal Minds, House Hunters, Flip or Flop, Flip or Flop Follow Up, Flipping Vegas, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Monday Night Raw, Suits, Graceland, Girl Meets World, Dukes of Hazzard re-runs, live Sports, NBC's The Blacklist, Catch A Contractor, Blue Bloods, Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll, Dora the Explorer, CSI Cyber, Saturday Night Live, Aquarius, Last Comic Standing, Gotham, Mr. Robot, Scooby-Doo, Jesse Stone, Scream, Sheriff Callie's Wild West, Beating Bobby Flay and Guy's Grocery Games are currently the shows The Informer is watching.
So no, due to lack of time from scheduling conflicts, The Informer does not watch You're the Worst.
Q: Informer can you compare NFL quarterbacks to different fast foods? Like since we all know about your obsession with Blimpies, that would make Aaron Rodgers the Blimpie Best of QBs. You can go from there.
-- Zach Libby, The Michigan State University
Now that is an awesome question. And of course The Informer can do that.
Ryan Mallet/Brian Hoyer is a Sbarro’s pizza; because, well, Sbarro’s pizza is not very good and neither is Ryan Mallet/Brian Hoyer.  
Marcus Mariota is the chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell; because just like Mariota’s rookie of the year chances (sneaky good), one of The Informer’s sneaky favorite fast food meals is the Taco Bell chicken quesadilla.
Jameis Winston is the Ultimate Triple Whopper from Burger King. For those unfamiliar, this is a sandwich that contains three all beef patties, eight pieces of bacon and four pieces of cheese. It is literally the biggest, greatest and one of the most disgusting things on the face of the Earth. But damn it is good. And say what you want about Famous Jameis and his disgusting off the field issues, he is damn good when it comes to on the field performance.
Jay Cutler is any Subway sandwich; because whenever The Informer is forced to eat Subway (sometimes there is no Blimpies available when a sandwich is needed) he feels like stabbing his heart with a soldering iron due to the gross feeling he gets. In other words, it is the same feeling Bears fans get every Sunday watching Cutler throwing interceptions. 
Ted Bridgewater is the Runza sandwich. Again, for those unfamiliar, the Runza is a mixture of meat, cheese and cabbage wrapped in fresh dough that gets cooked in the oven (think Hot-Pockets only six billion times better). Sadly, Runza restaurants are only opened in Nebraska, so the rest of the world is unable to enjoy their greatness. This is kind of like Teddy Football; who people in Minnesota swear by, yet the National audience does not know his greatness because they have not been able to see it on a week to week basis just yet.
Sam Bradford is a Philly Cheese steak; because they always fall apart.[

Colin Keapernick is Mucho Potato Oles from Taco Johns; because on paper this is a meal that appears to have everything you want – meat, onions, melted cheese, salsa, lettuce, sour cream, guacamole, circle potatoes  – yet it still always leaves you wanting something more. Just like Kaepernick; who has all the tools to be the next Randall Cunningham, but has yet to completely put it together.
Russell Wilson is Popeye’s Chicken; The Informer will let Little Nicky explain this one . . .

Nick Foles is a gas station hot dog; because some people (like The Informer) absolutely love gas station hot dogs even though they are one of the nastiest things on the face of Tebow's green Earth. Just like some people in the NFL like Nick Foles even though, well you get the idea.
Matt Ryan is a #9 from Jimmy Johns; because he is a good steady quarterback who sometimes borders on being elite. Just like the Jimmy Johns #9 (the Italian) is a good steady sandwich that sometimes borders on being in the same conversation as Blimpies.
Tony Romo is the brisket stuffed baked potato; the reason is because The Informer wants to tell the world about the brisket stuffed baked potato from a restaurant in the city of Houston called Rudy’s. This delicious meal consists of a baked potato the size of a human head that is stuffed with bbq brisket, butter, cheese and sour cream. It is quite possibly the greatest “non-Blimpies” food The Informer has ever eaten.
Carson Palmer is an oldie, but a goody, just like KFC.
RG3-13 is McDonald’s French fries; because even though everyone says they are the worst thing for you, people still can’t stop eating them. Kind of like how Washington knows RG3-13 is not their answer at QB, yet they keep throwing him out there to start.
Since Derek Carr plays in the Bay area, The Informer feels like this is the perfect time to use Hardees' Frisco Burger. This is also the perfect time to ask: Does Hardees still make the Frisco Burger? For that matter, does Hardees still exist?
Joe Flacco is Sushi; because when he is cooked properly he is great.
Eli Manning is a “cheesy” from Amigos . . . Plain and dull, but always delivers in the clutch.
Philip Rivers is a gunslinger, which means he needs to have a food that represents his “I don’t give a **** gunslinger attitude. That is why The Informer is giving Rivers the spicy chicken sandwich from Chick-Fil-A because it is a sandwich that gives absolutely zero *****.
Andy Dalton is Wendy’s Baconator; because if Wendy ever quite her job Mr. Dalton could easily become the new mascot.

Alex Smith is a plain hamburger from McDonalds; because he is boring.
Blake Bortles is a plain hamburger from Burger King; because, like Smith, he is boring, but not quite as good.
Cam Newton is a Dominos Bread bowl; because they have everything a fat person wants in fast food. Seriously, if you have not had one, stop reading this and go order one right now. They are phenomenal.
Geno Smith is a milk shake from Sonic; because he has a broken jaw and can probably only eat foods through a straw.
Matthew Stafford is the bacon, cheddar, ranch from Blimpies; because he has the potential to be the best thing ever, but just has not reached that level yet.
“Bills QB The Cannon” – Every single Bills QB for the rest of The Informer's life will be known as “The Cannon”. That is a fact. And every single one of them should be compared to a Taco Bell soft taco; because they are cheap, and you are not really sure if they are a real food.  
Ben Roethlisberger is the Big Mac of fast food QBs; because he can be controversial (just like when that guy left out the McDonalds for 4 years and nothing changed because there are so many chemicals on it), but at the end of the day if you are looking for one of the best meals for your buck --you can’t go wrong with the Big Mac.
Mr. John Football is a Hooter’s chicken wing; because just like eating at Hooters, the atmosphere and eye candy (aka the Manziel drama and swagger) are always entertaining, but the actual product on the field, or the wings themselves, always leave you dissatisfied.
Drew Brees is Chinese chicken fried rice; because like the meal, he is one of the best ever.
Ryan Tannehill, aka “RT1”, is the Chipotle steak burrito. Sure, he is relatively new to the world, but just like a stacked burrito from Chipotle; he contains all the ingredients (skills) to one day take over the NFL.
Tom Brady is the Casey’s taco pizza; because whenever The Informer decides to “cheat” on his diet it is always with a piece of Casey’s taco pizza (You see what The Informer did there?)
Tim Tebow is most definitely one of those “Wafers” that Churches use for communion. Obviously, this is because of the fact that Tebow and Jesus share a father.
Peyton Manning is the Blimpie Best on wheat bread; because he is still one of the greatest ever, but not quite on the level of the next two sandwiches, err quarterbacks. 
Aaron Rodgers is obviously the Blimpie Best on white bread; because he is the best.
And of course, Andrew Luck would be the Blimpie Best on white bread with bacon and extra mayo; because he is the only thing better than the best.
Q: How come in sports when the tenth place team beats the first ranked team they don't become number one?
-- Jim, St. Louis
Using logic in sports? That seems a little far-fetched. Besides, if we gave up the ability to pick and choose the best teams while completely ignoring things like head to head matchups: How would the National Media get to rank all the SEC teams in the Top 10 each and every week?
Q: Will the Eagles ever win a Championship under Chip Kelly?
-- Aaron, Omaha, Nebraska
Aaron in Omaha, please don’t ever forgot that all things are possible if you BOLIEVE in Timothy H. Tebow.
Q: Did you see Tiger was playing good golf again this weekend? Who do you think he started having carnal relations with this time to help him play better golf?
-- Quentin, Iowa
Whichever Denny’s waitress he found, I hope he keeps her and then starts cheating on her with an IHOP waitress; because The Informer is sick and tired of Tiger not being Tiger anymore.
Q: What should my expectations be for the 49ers this season? After losing one of the best coaches in the NFL -- and a guy who led them to three of the last four NFC Title game -- and losing half their team to "Barry Sanders" like early retirement: Is there any reason for me to think this will not be a rebuilding year? Should I just forgo the season and start watching Premier League soccer?
-- Stortenbecker, Treynor, IA
The best thing you have going for you right now is the fact that the 49ers are starting to look like the “nobody believes in us” team of 2015.

Seriously, have you read one article, or listened to one podcast, where someone actually picked the 49ers to be better than below average? Sure, San Fran lost a ton of talent, but they still have a quality roster, a defense that should be better than most, and they have made three of the last four NFC Title Games.

With that said, the losses are not good. Especially losing one of the best coaches in the NFL. But there is some sliver of hope. 

You can hope that Seattle takes a step back thanks to the Super Bowl hangover (doubtful, but you never know); and for the Rams to trade for a mediocre unproven quarterback while also drafting a running back who can't play because of a torn ACL; and finally you have to hope the Cardinals lose some of the Bruce Airians' magic they had all of last season (could happen).

If all of that happens, then that at least leaves the chance San Fran could be atop of the AFC West when the 2015 NFL Season ends.
Q: Are the San Antonio Spurs the best NBA dynasty of the past 30 years?
-- Brad, Des Moines, Iowa
So our choices are the 1980s Celtics, 80s Lakers, 90s Bulls, 00 Lakers and the Spurs?
Man, it is pretty hard to argue with the 18-year stretch the San Antonio Spurs have just completed, but at gun point The Informer is going with the 90s Bulls because of Jordan and the fact that they won the most titles.
Q: How non-gangsta is it to have a Hollywood movie about your favorite rap group? Seriously though, are you going to see Straigth Outta Compton?
-- Eric, Elkton, Maryland
Is Randy Moss the greatest wide receiver to ever walk the Earth? Does Blimpies make the greatest sandwich in the history of bread? Is The Informer grossly overweight?  Is Natty Light the Boxed wine of beers? Is Tim Tebow Jesus’ brother? Is Tupac the greatest rapper to ever live?  Are the Patriots Cheaters?  Is Vin Diesel the greatest American Actor alive today? Is Jason Statham the greatest non-American actor alive today? Do I love Adam Sandler movies? Should ARod win the 2015 AL MVP Award? Do the Seattle Seahawks love HGH?
In other words; HELL YES!!! The Informer is going to see Straight Outta Compton.

Honestly, The Informer has not been this excited to see a movie since the end of Fast Six when we found out Statham was going to be the hero bad guy in Fast Seven.
Q: Admit it Informer, the 2001 Miami Hurricanes are the greatest college football team of all-time. Yes I said it. They are better than the 1995 Huskers hands down. In the words of Matt Damon from that one movie, "How do you like dem apples?"
-- BA, Ames, Iowa

Oh man, this seems like it needs to be its own article. Is that okay if we put this question on the shelf for a week so The Informer can do some research?

Oh . . . And all of the people at ESPN reading this right now (you know who you are), please don’t steal my idea. Just give me seven days and The Informer will have the proper answer to this question. Thanks.
Q: How long will it be before Chip Kelly is singing this song at a karaoke bar while wearing a Hawaiian shirt and smoking Misty 100s?
-- @LeaveIt2Divac

The Informer would pay to watch a drunk Chip Kelly singing this song.
Q: Who is Nebraska's biggest rival in the Big 10?
-- Craig, Columbus, Nebraska

Considering the Huskers will be facing Ohio State for the Big 10 Title and the chance to play in the 2015 NCAA Playoffs; The Informer would have to say Ohio State.
Q: Informer, every time I go out and drink I am hung over for the next two days. It sucks. What is the reason to actually keep doing this to myself? Seriously, why would I ever want to get drink again?
-- James, Iowa
You know James in Iowa, if you would just wake up the very next morning and start hitting the sauce again you would never feel sick. It is called hair of the dog. Just stay “sorority girl wasted” at all times and you will never have to ask this question again.

Q: How do songs like Silento's Watch Me, end up as hits? Is it our fault as a society that we keep letting talentless people succeed?
-- @thomasmoore27
The Informer is probably the wrong person to ask considering this is currently his favorite song . . .


And this was his favorite song before that . . .


And of course, never forget about this . . . 

Q: My fiancé won't watch movies with me unless it’s some junk she wants to watch. What are your Top 10 chick flicks that I could recommend?
-- Andrew, Iowa City, Iowa

Andrew you were right to come to The Informer for help in this matter. If there is one thing The Informer knows, it is chick flicks. So here goes . . .
10. The Proposal

A chick flick can never go wrong with Ryan Reynolds or Sandra Bullock staring in it. Never forget that.
9. She’s All That
Freddie Prince Jr. as a high school jock who is trying to turn the unpopular girl into home coming queen? Where does The Informer sign up?

8. Just Friends
Again, you had The Informer at “Ryan Reynolds in a chick flick.”

7. Legally Blonde
Legally Blonde is actually one of The Informer’s favorite movies ever. That is not a lie. I literally watch it once a week #YouDon’tEvenKnowWhatTheHellYouAreTalkingAbout #IObject #RulesOfAmmoniumThioglycolate.

6. 10 Things I Hate About You
Remember that guy who played the Joker in the second Batman and then died before the movie came out? Well, in 10 Things I Hate About You he plays an Australian high school student who gets paid to take out the loser chick, but then falls in love with said loser chick and has to prove that it is not a part of the bet.

Oh yes . . . It is as good as it sounds.

Plus, to make it even better, they play a Notorious Big song while a drunk Julia Stiles dances on a table.

5. Guess Who
Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac in a chick flick? Sold.

4. Sweet Home Alabama
Reese Witherspoon is the perfect actress you want leading your chick flicks. Also, just like Legally Blonde, this is one of The Informer’s all-time favorite movies.  

3. Hitch
Come on, it has Will Smith in it. Of course it is worth the watch.

2. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Matthew McConaughey doing Matthew McConaughey things? Does The Informer really need to say any more?
1. Armageddon
This is not so much a chick flick, as it is a documentary, but at the end of the day if you and your significant other are not crying into each other’s arms while Harry Stamper is saving the world and saying goodbye to Gracey; then there is nothing The Informer can do to help because obviously neither of you have souls.

Q: Informer please tell me you are going to find a more creative way to end this mailbag than having someone ask a perverted sex question to which you copy Bill Simmons and say “Yup these are my readers.” You are so predictable. It is no wonder that you are a pathetic loser. Face it, you will never make it. And no one famous is ever going to know your name. YOU SUCK!!!
John, Bellevue, Nebraska

Oh yea . . . No one famous will ever know The Informer’s name? Well, why don’t we just ask someone famous then? Hey Farva, what do you think about The Informer?

Yup . . . These are my readers.