Click on the Amazon Link

Showing posts with label The Informer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Informer. Show all posts

Sunday, May 28, 2017

The 10 Greatest Kobe Bryant Facts Ever

Since tonight -- April 13th, 2016 -- is going to be the last NBA basketball game Kobe "The Black Mamba" Bryant is ever going to play; The Informer thought now would be the perfect time to share with the world his Top 10 All-Time Kobe Bryant facts.
So without any further, let's talk about the Mamba.
10A. Kobe scored at least 60 points on five different occasions, including one game where he scored 62 points in three quarters against the Dallas Mavericks.
10B. Also, just for the sake of being factually correct, the only other player in NBA history to have more 60 point games than the Mamba is Wilt Chamberlain; who had 32 such games.

10C. Finally, since we are being factually correct, it should be noted that during his 62-points in three quarters game, the Dallas Mavericks as a team scored 61 points. That is right, Kobe Bryant single handedly out scored an entire NBA team. 
9. Kobe scored 50+ points on 24 different occasions. To put Kobe's scoring in perspective; that is more than Steph Curry, LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird combined.
8A. Kobe was the first player in NBA history with 30,000 points and 6,000 rebounds.
8B. It should also be noted that he is currently 3rd all-time on the NBA career scoring list behind only Karl Malone and Kareem Abdul Jabar.
8C. Oh and don't forget, his 81 points in a single game against the Toronto Raptors in January of 2006, is the most points scored by any NBA player not named Wilt in the history of basketball.
7. Kobe once led the Lakers to the playoffs despite the fact that Kwame Brown was his starting center. The Informer is not making this fact up. There is video evidence on the internet and everything.
6. He was drafted by the Charlotte Hornets with the 13th overall pick, and was then traded to the Lakers for the one and only Vlade Divac.
5. Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself "The Black Mamba". I mean seriously: How awesome do you have to be to give yourself your own nickname and then have the rest of the world not only accept it, but love it?
2A. Kobe is one of only three players in NBA history to average at least 40 points per game for an entire month. In case you were wondering; he accomplished this feat four different times.
2B. Speaking of 40 point games: Did you know that Kobe scored at least 40 points against every single NBA team at least one time in his career?

And finally, The Informer's favorite Kobe fact of all-time is . . .
1. During the 2005-06 season Kobe joined Michael Jordan, Wilt and Rick Barry as the only players in NBA history to average at least 35 points per game for an entire season.
Honestly, there is no other way to say it other than: "Kobe Bryant is, was, and always will be 'The Mamba'.
#ThankYouMamba #GOAT!!!

Thursday, April 13, 2017

The Informer's All NBA Playoffs Mailbag

Raise both your hands if you are the 2017 NBA MVP.

As always, please keep in mind that all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q: Hey Informer did you retire from writing? I mean you have not published an article in over a month. So what gives man? Did you finally realize it is pointless for you to put out articles because there is not a single person in the world who gives a sh*t about your opinion? Or, are you just a lazy, fat, alcoholic who has been slacking on his duties?

Honestly, I think it is probably a combination of the two. But hey, since we are here, how about The Informer breaks out an All-NBA Mailbag for his readers? Would that make up for a month’s long absence?

Q: Okay Informer if you want to make it up to us, how about you answer the most important question of 2017 right of off the bat: Who is the 2017 NBA MVP?

Russell Westbrook is the 2017 NBA MVP. The reasoning is simple; you don’t become the second player in NBA history to average a triple-double for the entire season while leading your team to the playoffs without Kevin Durant and not win the NBA MVP Award. 

That would be asinine.

Q: But Informer, what about the fact that the Thunder only won 46 games? That has to matter right? I mean no MVP in the last 30 years has won the award on a team that has won less than 50 games.

Sure, no one in the past 30 years has won the MVP while also playing for a team that won less than 50 games, but you know what else has not happened in the past 30 years? A f**king dude posting 42 triple-doubles while averaging a triple-double for an entire season.

Q: Come on Informer all the advanced stats show that James Harden had a more impressive year and his team won more games; therefore he is the MVP. Why can’t you just admit you are an overweight alcoholic who is wrong about the 2017 NBA MVP.

Did James Harden lead the league in scoring, finish in the Top 10 in rebounding while also averaging double digit assists and scoring 30 points a night? Did James Harden become the only player in NBA history to score at least 57 points while also posting a triple-double? Did James Harden become the first player in NBA history to record 42 triple-doubles in a season? If the answer is no to any of these questions; than that means he is not the MVP because there is a guy in the NBA who did in fact do all those things.

Q: Wins have to count for something Informer, and the fact is James Harden’s team had more wins than Russell Westbrook’s. So your “triple-double argument” is a mute point you moron. Again, no one is saying Russ was not spectacular this season, what we are saying is his numbers don’t mean as much because his team only won 46 games. Sorry bud, but your boyfriend is going to lose.  

So based on that argument, what you are really saying is that either Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green, Kevin Durant or Zaza Pachulia should win the 2017 NBA MVP. You know, because they were starters on a team that won 66 games? Honestly, 
I’m actually okay with that. From now on no one can be the NBA MVP unless their team has the most wins. Stats, game winning shots, advanced metrics, hot takes; none of that matters anymore. The best player on the team with the most wins always gets the MVP no questions asked. 

Q: Zaza Pachulia as the MVP? Now you are just being petty and ridiculous Informer. I mean seriously, why can’t you admit that James Harden’s historically great season produced more wins than Russ’s historically great season and that is why he is the MVP?

As I just said, if the number one argument you have contains the words “more wins”, than you have no choice but to pick someone from the Warriors to be your MVP. Just saying, you can’t sit here and argue that Harden should be the MVP over Russ -- with lesser stats -- because his team has more wins without saying Curry should be MVP over Harder -- with lesser stats -- because the Warriors have more wins than the Rockets.

Q: Fine Informer, you are correct. Russell Westbrook should be the unanimous MVP. I sincerely apologize for doubting you. Please forgive me. Also just in case you were wondering, I am totally lying. I am not going to ever agree with you, because you are nothing but a fat drunk sack of human waste who probably didn’t even watch the Rockets play one basketball game this year so you have no clue how valuable James Harden was.

That is where you are wrong sir. I clearly remember watching at least three James Harden games this year where his team lost to the Golden State Warriors. 

Q: I hate you Informer.

I know, but your feelings toward me have nothing to do with the fact that Russell Westbrook is hands down the 2017 NBA MVP.

Q: Hey Informer can we please stop talking about regular season awards and start focusing on the fact that the best two months of the years are about to begin? With that in mind, what is your favorite first round playoff match-up?

Well, obviously I can’t wait to watch Russ destroy James Harden in the Western Conference. So that would be number one on my list. And a
s far as the Eastern Conference goes, I am excited to see if Giannis “The Greek Freak” Ant******* can be the best player in four of seven games and lead the Milwaukee Bucks to a first round upset over the Toronto Raptors. 

Now, with all that said, this is the NBA Playoffs, which means every game is going to be freaking awesome (excluding any games involving Dwight Howard of course).

Q: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much slobbering over LeBron James are we going to have to read about from you in these playoffs?

I would say it is at least going to be an 8 out of 10. But that could change if/when Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry and Russell Westbrook get eliminated. But make no mistake about it, I will be paying homage and speaking the praises of King James every chance I get.

(P.S. - For those wondering, my NBA Playoff rooting order goes: Durant, Russ, Steph & then LeBron. Also, it should be noted that coming in dead last for umpteenth time is Dwight Howard.)

Q: Do you have any Playoff bets for the degenerates out there who are reading this?

I sure do, but before I give them away I feel I should explain to anyone reading that these picks are to be used for recreational purposes only. In no way shape or form does The Informer condone the practice of illegal gambling with websites like,, or any other online website that lets you place illegal wagers.

Okay, now that we have the disclaimer in place, here are a five prop bets I would be putting money on if betting were legal and I hadn’t just bought my bookie a brand new lawn mower.

  • Warriors to win Championships (-220)
  • Spurs to win Championship (+900)
  • Wizards to win Eastern Conference (+1000)
  • Cavs to win Eastern Conference (-260)
  • Thunder over Rockets (+360)

Q: Speaking of predictions Informer, who is going to win every first round series and why?


Cleveland vs Indiana: The Cavs will win this series because they have LeBron James.

Milwaukee vs Toronto: The Raptors are probably going to win, but my gut feeling says the “Greek Freak” is going to be out of this world great pushing this series to seven games.

Atlanta vs Washington: Washington wins because I hate Dwight Howard.

Chicago vs Boston: I think the veteran Chicago Bulls squad will be able to win two, maybe even three games, but in the end the Celtics will avoid the upset and move on to round two for the first time since the “Big 3” era.


Portland vs. Golden State: Warriors in five.

Oklahoma City vs. Houston Rockets: I am taking OKC because Russell Westbrook is the 2017 NBA MVP.

Utah Jazz vs. Los Angeles Clippers: I got to go with the Clippers experience here.

Memphis Grizzlies vs. San Antonio Spurs: As the old saying goes; death, taxes and the San Antonio Spurs making the second round of the NBA Playoffs.

Q: Last question Informer: Who is going to win the NBA Finals?

I have the Golden State Warriors beating the San Antonio Spurs in the Western Conference Finals and the Cleveland Cavaliers beating the Washington Wizards in the Eastern Conference Finals. Then in part three of the Warriors vs LeBron trilogy; I have the 2017 NBA Finals MVP Kevin Durant leading the Golden State Warriors to a 4-1 series victory.  

Final Answer: The Golden State Warriors will be the 2017 NBA Champions.

Can anyone stop Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry and the 2017 Golden State Warriors?

Saturday, December 24, 2016

The Informer's Christmas Mailbag and Week 16 NFL Picks

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to The Informer’s Christmas Mailbag and Week 16 NFL Picks. As always, please keep in mind that almost all of these questions came from actual made up readers.

Q:Mr. Informer why is your article not getting posted to The Schmozone this week? Did they finally realize you were an overweight talent-less hack before canning your ass?
Here is the deal; as I am writing this there are only a few hours until kickoff and I don’t have internet access without turning my wife’s cell phone into a mobile hotspot -- which cost me upwards of $10 for every twenty minutes it is on – so by virtue of lack of time and internet, I decided that the best way to get The Informer’s Week 16 NFL Picks article published was by using my old website.
This way the picks still get posted before kickoff to keep their integrity intact, my boss does not have to hustle edit one of my articles (it is not an easy job considering The Informer has no idea how grammar and punctuation actually work) and most of all I can get as drunk as humanly possible and say whatever the hell I want because absolutely no one is going to waste their time reading on Christmas Eve.
So to answer the question; no I was not fired for being an overweight talent-less hack. I am still a proud Schmo, we are just taking a detour for this Holiday weekend.

Q: If a drunk middle aged blogger is 40 games over .500 when it comes to picking NFL games against the spread, but not a single person knows about said record because nobody on the face of the Earth reads this complete trash you call a blog, does it really count?
Let me counter your question with a question: If a tree falls over in the middle of an empty forest and nobody is around, was it still kicked over by Chuck Norris?

Q: Informer what in the hell are you talking about? Do you think Chuck Norris just goes around kicking down trees? Your analogy makes zero sense as usual. With that said, are you really 40 games over .500? How is that even possible? Aren't you supposed to be a drunk rambling moron?
Well, technically The Informer is 41 games over .500, but who is counting? And as for as how it is possible, I would just like to remind the world that through Tim Tebow anything is possible.
Q: Hey Informer, do you think the Dallas Cowboys offensive line should win the 2016 NFL MVP?
Is that a serious question? Are you on drugs or just plain f****** stupid? For f*** sakes man. It is called Most Valuable "Player" award. Not Players. Or Unit. Or Offense. Or team. It is an individual award. Which means that it must go to an individual f****** player. I mean cheesus f******* cripes man, who comes up with these asinine ideas/questions/theories?
Q: If the Dallas Cowboys offensive line is not the answer, then who is the 2016 NFL MVP?
Ezekiel Elliot, duh. He is the best player, on the best team, and has the numbers and big plays to back up him winning the award.
Q: But Elliot does not even have the best numbers for a running back. That would be David Johnson. So how is Johnson not the MVP?
Well, if you replaced Elliot with say Darren McFadden would the Cowboys be 12-2 and the 1st seed in the NFC right now? The answer is no. But if you replaced David Johnson with Darren McFadden would the Arizona Cardinals still be a team in the race for a Top 10 NFL Draft pick? The answer is probably. Therefore, because Johnson is a good stats bad team guy, he can’t be the MVP.
Q: Informer your logic makes no sense whatsoever. You just said that the award is based on individual performance and then said Elliot wins the award over Johnson because he has a better team. Can you please explain why you are contradicting yourself?
I guess the lesson as always is I am an alcoholic.
Q: Informer what is your all-time favorite Christmas movie?
With all due respect to Christmas Vacation, Die Hard, ELF, Bad Santa, A Very Brady Christmas, Charlie Brown, Prancer, Santa With Muscles, Tim Allen’s The Santa Claus, Jingle All the Way, One Night in Paris, Lethal Weapon, Ernest Saves Christmas, Scrooged, Miracle on 34th Street, Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and A Christmas Story; I have to say that my favorite Christmas movie ever is Home Alone.
Q: Informer did you really put One Night in Paris on your favorite Christmas movie list? Isn’t that the X-rated porno starring Paris Hilton?
Ummmm . . . It was a typo? I mean, I was just checking to see who was still reading. Yea that works better. I was just checking to see if anyone was still reading. I was in no way saying that the Paris Hilton *** tape is one of my favorite Holiday movies.

Q: Hey Informer, do you remember the best Christmas you ever had?
You bet I do. In fact here are my Top 3 Christmas’ in order.
  1. Xmas 1994 – Santa gave me roller blades, a Super Nintendo and the Super Nintendo version of Tecmo Super Bowl football.
  2. Xmas 1997 – Also known as the year Santa gave me my first Randy Moss #84 Vikings jersey; which I still have and wear by the way.
  3. Xmas 1990 – Santa hooked me up with a Joe Montana jersey, football pants and a 49ers plastic helmet. This was also the year that my pops started a lifelong Christmas tradition by giving me my first box of 1990 Pro Set football cards (FYI - - Sunday will mark the 27th straight year my Pops has given me football cards for Christmas).
Q: Dear Mr. Informer, did you know that every NFL game that has scored over 33 points in the first half has then went on to stay under the projected second half line this season? You have to check it out and spread the word to your degenerate readers.
I obviously have no way on Earth to fact check to see if this is an accurate stat or not, but there have now been two people who have brought this phenomena to my attention, so I am going to go ahead and say it has to be true and therefore I must pass the info along to my fellow reader (yes singular).
Q: Informer I am told you are currently sitting fifth place in your NFL Super Picks contest, which begs the question: How in the blue hell are you the best NFL picks guy on the internet but you can’t even win your own Super Picks contest?
To answer the first question; the reason I am in fifth is because the first three weeks of the season I decided to spot the competition a lead in order to make it more interesting. So basically I decided I would start 2-13 just to see if I can come back to win because I like to challenge myself to be better than the rest.
(The Informer note – Other than the 2-13 record nothing about the above paragraph was true. I didn’t start 2-13 on purpose. I did it because I was really bad at picking games the first three weeks of the season. And now I have to go 10-0 in order to finish in the Top 2. So I guess to really answer the first question, I would have to say it is all Obama’s fault.)
Q: Informer can you please wrap this up with your Week 16 NFL Picks so we can all go pretend to spend the holidays with our families?
That sounds good to me. Here are the picks.
I don't even need to share my proof of picks tweet, because I took the Giants like a fat stupid idiot.
Pick: Giants (-2.5)
The Redskins have to win out in order to have a chance at the postseason. The Bears have zero chance at the postseason and are simply playing for pride and a Matt Barkley contract extension. Seems like a no brainer to me.
Pick: Skins (-3)
If believing Matt “The Gunslinger” Moore can’t go into Buffalo and lose by less than 3.5 points is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.
Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)
The 2016 New Orleans Saints should not be favored over a team that has won five of its last six games. It is that simple.
Pick: Tampa (+3)
I am following the little known rule that says: “Always bet against the non-playoff team who is coming off of a huge Monday Night football victory -- and thus is due for a letdown on Christmas weekend -- against a team that has a chance to lock up their division and is also supposed to be getting Julio Jones back healthy for the first time in three weeks.”
Pick: Falcons (-2.5)
Sam Bradford getting less than a touchdown on the road in Lambeau? Sign me up Scotty.
Pick: Packers (-6.5)
Bryce Petty getting less than 3 touchdowns on the road in Foxborough? Sign me up Scottie.
Pick: Patriots (-16.5)
The Browns and Jags giving less than a touchdown to actual NFL teams? Sign me up Scottee.
Pick: Chargers (-6) & Titans (-5)
Does anyone else think it is a gosh damn travesty that Andrew Luck is going to comeback from a lacerated kidney and lead the gawd awful Colts to 8 or 9 wins, while throwing for 4,000 yards, and yet he is not going to win the 2016 NFL Comeback Player of the Year Award because the National Media hates giving Andrew Luck awards?

And no, I am not just asking this because I may or may not have bet my 2001 Cadillac on Luck winning said award. 
Pick: Colts (+3.5)
In the semi-changed words of Will Ferrell pretending to be Alex Trebek on SNL’s Celebrity Jeopardy: “And the NFL has reached a new low.”
Pick: Rams (-3.5)
Here is my exact strategy on why I am taking the Seattle HGHawks in this game: On Thursday morning a Hawk tried to suicide bomb my dining room window, but instead of dying he knocked himself out cold for ten minutes. Then, after ten minutes of not moving, he slowly got to his feet, looked around, and then flew off to presumably go find another window to attack.
Now, if that is not a sign from the Tebow’s that The Informer must take the Hawks in Week 16, than I don’t know what is.
Pick: Seattle (-7.5)
I am taking the Houston Texans solely based on the fact that I have been watching Macho Man Tom Savage interviews on Youtube all week and I think the guy is a real charismatic leader who will be a huge upgrade over that trash bag they have been starting the previous 14 weeks.

I mean seriously, watch this interview and tell me that you wouldn’t run through a wall for the Macho Man Tom Savage:
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
Pick: Macho Man Tom Savage (-1)
If this game is not decided by a last second field goal than I do not know anything about football.
Pick: Ravens (+5.5)
I really want to bet the Donkeys, because I love getting that half of a point, but one of the basic gambling rules that I follow simply states: “When the defense for the defending Super Bowl champs start complaining about how awesome they are, but how bad the offense sucks, to the point that there is almost a fist fight in the locker room --you must not bet that team on the road on Christmas night.”
Pick: Chiefs (-3.5)
If Detroit loses they are out of the playoff. If Detroit wins they control their own destiny. If Dallas loses they are still the number one seed and potentially hosting two playoff games in January. If Dallas wins they are still the number one seed and potentially hosting two playoff games in January.
Do you all see what I am getting at here?
Pick: Lions (+7)

That is a wrap y'all. I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah and most of all a wonderful holiday season filled with family, friends and winning parlays.

Records include Thursday Night Football