Showing posts with label The Informer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Informer. Show all posts

Sunday, December 3, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 13

Ladies and gentlemen here are 10 things The Informer thinks heading into Week 13 of the 2017 NFL Season (all my Week 13 NFL Picks are at the end of the column). 

1. I think I can't believe the New York owner would sign off on benching Eli Manning after everything Eli has brought to the Giants organization (aka 2 Super Bowls). I also think that benching Eli for Geno Smith in order to guarantee a top two pick in the 2017 NFL Draft is the absolute correct move for the Giants.

2. I think that if Tom Brady finishes the 2017 NFL Season with 4,900 yards and 38 touchdowns while leading the New England Patriots to a 12-4, 13-3 or 14-2 record; he is going to win the 2017 NFL MVP. I know the darling media thing to say right now is that Carson Wentz is the front-runner, but I find it hard to believe NFL MVP voters would let the living GOAT have the second greatest statistical season of his career -- at age 40 -- and not reward him with the Most Valuable Player trophy. 

3. I think I am extremely excited for Josh Gordon and the NFL fans that the man who once put up 1,646 yards in 14 NFL games is back in the NFL. I think I am also extremely excited to start said Josh Gordon in every single one of my fantasy football leagues this week. 

4. I think if I had to guess right now my six AFC Playoff teams would be: New England, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Jacksonville, Tennessee and Kansas City. 

5. I think if I had to guess right now my six NFC Playoff teams would be: Eagles, Vikings, Rams, Saints, Falcons & Seattle. 

6. I think this is the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:

7. I think this is my Randy Moss better be a unanimous first ballot Hall of Famer stat of the day: Randy Moss caught 43 touchdowns in his first three NFL Seasons (48 games). To put that in perspective; Falcons wide receiver Julio Jones -- playing in his seventh NFL season -- has 43 career touchdown catches.  

8. I think my favorite non Randy Moss stat heading into Week 13 has to be this: 

Tom Brady - 482 career TD passes in 246 starts.

Drew Brees -  481 career TD Passes in 243 starts.

9. I think despite having a 28-32 record in the contest, I am still going to share with the world my Week 13 NFL Super Pick selections: Atlanta (-3) Pats (-8.5) Panthers (+4) Oakland (-8.5) Steelers (-5) 

10. I think despite having one of my worst NFL Picks records of my career (86-85-5 heading into Week 13), I am still going to share with the world all of my Week 13 NFL Picks:

Redskins (-1.5 Loss) Ravens (-3) 49ers (+3) Falcons (-2.5) Patriots (-8) Dolphins (+1.5) Titans (-7) Colts (+9.5) Green Bay (-1.5) Jets (+3.5) Panthers (+5) Chargers (-13.5) Raiders (-8.5) Rams (-7) Eagles (-3.5) Steelers (-5 Lion King Lock of the Week)

The is a wrap for this week folks. I hope everyone has a great and profitable Week 13. And as always, please remember to gamble with absolutely zero regard for human life.

Saturday, November 11, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 10

Here are The Informer's Week 10 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and absolutely zero regard for human life. 
Finally, a Thursday night bet I did not lose (yes it has gotten so bad that I am counting a push as a victory). That has to be a good sign heading into Week 10, right? 

Pick: HGHawks (-6)
NFL gambling rules clearly state a person should always bet Mitch Trabanski at home against Green Bay when the Packers are playing their first game against Chicago in 26-years without either Brett Favre or Aaron Rodgers starting at quarterback. 
Pick: Bears (-5.5)
Only two games in and we have reached this weeks dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is passing of as a football game. So, as usual, instead of talking about this game we are going to skip it entirely and hand out the Blimpie Best meme of the week.

Pick: Lions (-10.5)
Since I don't really care about the Case Keenum-Kirk Cousin showdown, I figured now would be the perfect time to share my favorite “things Randy Moss accomplished during Week 10's of the NFL Season” stats.
  • During Week 10 of the 1999 NFL Season, Randy Moss set a regular season career high with 204 yards receiving in a Minnesota Vikings 27-24 victory over the Chicago Bears.
  • During Week 10 of the 2007 NFL Season, Randy Moss set a career high with 4 TD receptions against the Buffalo Bills. For those wondering; Moss caught all four of his touchdowns in the first half.
  • In 13 career Week 10 games Randy Moss caught 63 passes for 916 yards and nine touchdowns. 
  • The Minnesota Vikings were 4-2 in Randy’s first six career Week 10 games. The two games the Vikings lost were against the Chicago Bears and the Oakland Raiders. I bring this up to point out that in those two losses Moss had the exact same stat line: 4 receptions, 25 yards and 0 TDs.
  • Randy Moss caught his 7th, 37th, 57th, 87th and 117th career touchdown passes during Week 10s throughout his career.
  • Randy's final Week 10 touchdown happened when he caught a 4-yard pass from Tom Brady during Week 10 of the 2009 NFL Season in a Patriots 31-14 victory over the New York Jets. At the time it was Moss’ 143rd career touchdown catch.
Pick: Skins (+1.5)
Things I would rather do than watch the Jets-Bucs try to play football against each other: Call A.J. Green soft. Meth. Teach my daughters how to Kardashian. Bet against Tom Brady in Primetime. Talk politics on Twitter. Turn my back on Mike Evans during a shouting match. Pay $20 for a 30 pack of Natty Light. Take out a student loan with Wells Fargo. Follow "The Informer's" Thursday Night Football gambling advice. Eat a vegan burger at McDonald's. And finally, I would rather watch the Lions-Browns play football. 
Pick: Jets (-2.5)

I am betting the New Orleans Saints on the road because of Drew Brees. If you are wondering what that means, here is what I am talking about:
  • Drew Brees is currently on pace for 4,428 yards passing. If he keeps this pace it would be an NFL record twelfth straight season with at least 4,000 yards.
  • Drew Brees owns the NFL record with seven straight season with over 4,500 yards passing (this year would mark eight straight).
  • Drew Brees is the only player in NFL history to have multiple 5,000 yard passing seasons (he has done it five times).
  • Drew Brees has the most career games with 400 yards passing (15).
  • Drew Brees has the most career games with 300 yards passing (108).
  • Drew Brees needs seven more TD passes this season to set the NFL record for most consecutive seasons with at least 20 TD passes (Brees is currently tied with Peyton Manning with 13 straight seasons).
  • Drew Brees needs 17 more TD passes this season to extend his NFL record for consecutive seasons with at least 30 TD passes (nine straight at this point).
  • Brees is 3,615 yards away from breaking Peyton Manning’s NFL record for career passing yards (Brees would need to average 451 yards per game over the next eight games to break the record this season).
  • Drew Brees has 225 career TD passes in the Superdome, the most by any quarterback at one stadium.
  • Brees needs 22 TD passes to become the third player in NFL history to reach 500 career TD passes.
  • And finally, Drew Brees is 3-0 as a starter for the New Orleans Saints against the Buffalo Bills.  
Pick: Saints (-3)
Give me the Steelers (-10). To answer the next question: No, I will not be watching one second of this game. 
Pick: Steelers (-10)
Oh isn't this cute? A battle of coaches who refuse to give the ball to their best players. 

On the one side you have Marvin “my offense is designed to not throw passes to the great A.J. Green”. And on the other side you have Mike “why would I give the ball to a 6’4 245lb Mack truck who runs a 4.2 40-yard dash” Mularkey.
Now, there is no real scientific evidence to back my theory on this, but considering we have two coaching morons battling wits on Sunday; I have decided I must grab the 4.5 points and watch as these two genius of NFL schemes find new creative ways to not get their best players the football. 
Pick: Bengals (+4.5)
I refuse to lay points with Blake Bortles when he is going against “Octo-dad” and the suddenly resurgent -- and rested -- Los Angeles Chargers.
Pick: Chargers (+5)
For fun here is an old-school versus new school player comparison that may shock you.
Player A through first eight career starts: 2-6 record, 10 TD passes, 4 interceptions and 1,349 yards passing.
Player B through first eight career games: 1-7 record, 5 TD passes, 7 interceptions and 1,089 yards passing.
Player A in his next eight career starts: 6-2 record, 13 TD passes, 5 int & 1,910 yards passing.
Player B in his next eight career starts: 6-2 record, 13 TD passes, 4 interception and 2,030 yards passing.
Player A in both of these scenarios is Joe Montana.
Player B in both of these scenarios is the Rams second year quarterback Jarred Goff.
So does this player comparison mean that Jarred Goff is going to become the next Joe Montana? I have no idea. I am not a Rocket Scientologist. But what it does mean is that the young Goff – who was written off as a bust by pretty much everyone in the NFL universe the same way a young Montana once was – can at least look back at the past and see a scenario of how his career could play out if he keeps doing what he is doing.
Pick: Rams (-12)
Hall of Famer Dak Prescott getting points because Vegas thinks Dallas can't win without a running back? In the words of Lloyd from Dumb & Dumber: "I like it a lot." 
Pick: Cowboys (+3)
If I had to list the greatest 49ers-Giants NFL games ever, my list would go something like this:
1) The time I won my first NFL bet back in 1990 when the 10-1 49ers beat the 10-1 New York Giants on Monday Night Football (I was five at the time and won a buck from my dad who thought it would be a good idea to give me the 49ers straight up).
And finally, in very last place, the time the Giants and 49ers played football in Week 10 of the 2017 NFL Season.
Pick: Giants (-2.5)
Everyone say it with me:
I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Tom Brady in Primetime!!!
Just so we are all on the same page; what I am trying to say is that I am not going to bet against Tom Brady in Primetime.
Pick: LKLOTW Patriots (-7.5)
Did you know that the Carolina Panthers have never beaten the Miami Dolphins? Seems like an absolutely logical reason to put my hard earned money on Jay Cutler in Primetime for the third straight week. 
Pick: Dolphins (+9)

Saturday, November 4, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 9

Here are The Informer's Week 9 NFL picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and no regard for human life. 
Honestly, with how terrible I am picking Thursday Night Football (2-7 on the year), I have absolutely no idea why I keep doing this to myself. But in the spirit of full disclosure; here is The Informer's proof of loss Thursday Night Football tweet:
Pick: Bills (-3)
I have never claimed to be a smart man, but even I know that you would have to be an absolute drunken moron to bet Brock Osweiler on the road verses a team that is 6-2 against the spread in 2017?
Pick: Donkeys (+8.5)
Q: Hey Informer since no one gives two sh*ts about this Rams-Giants game: Can you use this section to tell us who you think is going to win the NFL MVP, Rookie of the Year and the Super Bowl?
I mean, I am sure there is someone out there --  maybe Jared Goff's mother, or Eli Manning's brother -- who is excited to watch the Rams-Giants play football on Sunday. But since you asked so nicely for me to skip this game, I really have no choice but to oblige. 
  • I have Tom Brady winning the MVP because of the fact that he is going to throw for 5,000 yards while winning 12-13 games for the number one seeded team in the AFC. 
  • I have Leonard Fournette winning the Rookie of the Year because Fournette is going to lead the Jaguars to the playoffs and the NFL rules clearly state: "If you are the reason the Jacksonville Jaguars make the playoffs you must be given the ROY award." 
  • And finally, I have New England over Seattle in the Super Bowl. 
Pick: Giants (+4.5)


I swear to Tim Tebow, this is a an actual screen-shotted conversation that my wife and daughter had heading to school on Thursday:
Just saying; if my daughter having nightmare's about AJ Green getting fired from the Bengal Tigers is not some kind of omen to make Cincinnati this week’s Lion King Lock of the Week --than I don’t know what in the hell an omen is.

Pick: LKLOTW Bengals (+6)

I am taking Tampa Bay (+7) and Carolina (-3) because I got drunk editing this article and had a "feeling" both of these teams were going to cover on Sunday. To answer the next question: Yes, getting drunk off of Natty Lights and picking a team because "I got a feeling" is how I make 98% of my NFL picks.

Pick: Tampa Bay (+7) Panthers (-3)
Because of the DeShaun Watson injury my bookie does not have an up to date line for this game; therefore I am using the line that was set in my Las Vegas Super Picks contest before Watson was hurt. And, well, since this is the line I have no choice but to follow the “always take the points when Tom “I am not related to Fred” Savage is a double-digit favorite.
Pick: Colts (+13)
If anyone has information as to why Mike Mularkey hates Derrick Henry will you please share it with me? Because I for the life of me can't figure out why the dude refuses to give a 6'3 250lb Mack truck -- that runs a 4.5 40 yard dash -- the football. It does not make any sense whatsoever. Seriously Mike, this is not rocket Scientology, just just give the "*******" ball to Derrick Henry.
Pick: Titans (-3.5)
Ladies and gentlemen per "Informer" tradition, we are going to skip talking about this dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is passing off as a football game, and use this section to hand out the Week 9 Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:

#ClassicBrowns #AfroMan4Life #MustHaveHiredTheDolphinsAssitantCoach.
Pick: Cardinals (-3)
I have no real reason as to why I am sharing these(other than to fill space), but here are nine of my favorite stats heading into Week 9 of the 2017 NFL Season.
  1. Adrian Peterson only needs one rushing touchdown this week to become the ninth player in NFL history to reach 100 career rushing touchdowns. The bad news for Adrian? He is playing the San Francisco 49ers; a team he has zero career touchdowns against (in four games), and the team that once held him to a career low three yards rushing during AP's 2007 rookie season.
  2. Sticking with Peterson; AP needs 91-yards rushing to move passed Thurman Thomas for the 15th most rushing yards all-time.
  3. Larry Fitzgerald needs 42 yards receiving to pass Tim Brown for sixth all-time in NFL history.
  4. Matt Ryan needs one TD pass on Sunday to become the 21st player in NFL history to throw at least 250 career TD passes. He also needs three TD passes to move past Drew Bledsoe on the all-time career list. Furthermore -- the 2016 NFL MVP -- needs 17 more TD passes to leapfrog Bledsoe, Dan Fouts, Sonny Jurgensen, Dave Krieg, Joe Montana and Vinny Testaverde and into the Top 15 career TD passes.  
  5. The New England Patriots are 43-7 in games Rob Gronkowski scores a touchdown. They are 14-1 all-time when the "Big Gronkbowski" catches multiple TD passes.
  6. Russell Wilson has 20,201 career passing yards and 142 touchdown passes. Andrew Luck has 19, 078 career passing yards and 132 TD passes.
  7. The five worst teams against the spread in 2017 are: Arizona (1-6), Tampa Bay (1-5-1), Cleveland (2-6), Washington (2-5) and the defending NFC Champion Atlanta Falcons (2-5).
  8. The Five best teams against the spread in 2017 are: Kansas City Chiefs (6-2), New York Jets (6-2-1), Philadelphia Eagles (6-2) Houston Texans (5-2) and the New Orleans Saints (5-2).
  9. Jay Cutler needs to throw four interceptions on Sunday night to surpass Tom Brady for the 56th most interceptions in NFL history. 
Pick: HGHawks (-7)
As mentioned above, the Kansas City Chiefs are 6-2 against the spread and easily one of the four best teams in the NFL. In other words: Why in the hell is Vegas giving this team points?
Pick: Chiefs (+3)
(The Informer after the pick thought - I know we already shared the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week, but I found this meme late on Saturday night and I couldn't stop laughing. So with that in mind, here is the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week Part Deux:

I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . . I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . . I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .  I will not bet against drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime . . .I will not bet against Drunk Jay Cutler in Primetime!!!
It doesn’t really have the same ring as the “I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime”, but why the hell not? Give me the drunk one and the points on Sunday Night Football. 
Pick: Dolphins (+3.5)
NFL gambling rules clearly say to beware of the home underdogs in Primetime when you have two mediocre teams playing. 
Pick: Packers (+2)

Sunday, October 29, 2017

The Informer's Halloween Mailbag and Week 8 NFL Picks

As always, please keep in mind that almost all of these questions came from actual made up readers.
Q: Informer, why do you suck so bad at picking Thursday Night football games?
If you consider going 1-7 through eight weeks of NFL Thursday Night Football sucking, then I guess my answer would have to be that I am an alcoholic.
Q: Seriously though, now that your picks suck, and you have never been funny, what does anyone get out of reading this worthless blog. I mean other than the numerous pointers on how not to be an overweight fat loser in life?
I assume this is pretty obvious to anyone reading, but I am immediately regretting the decision to make this a mailbag article. 
Q: Hey Mis-Informer, the only thing you suck at more than making NFL picks is writing your blog. When are you going to stop embarrassing yourself and delete this account?
I don’t want to get into the specifics, but let’s just say I agree "The Informer" sucks and that the end of this blog needs to happen sooner rather than later.
Q: Wait, what are you talking about Informer? We joke and give you a little crap for having a few bad weeks and all of the sudden you are going to bail out and quit? What the hell is wrong with you man? Just because your picks -- and this blog -- suck more than a crackhead who is out of crack, doesn’t mean you give up. Honestly Informer, I think you need to try and remember the words of  the great Vin Diesel. Then maybe you will come to your senses and realize it is not time to give up on your dreams.
What does living my life a quarter of a mile at a time have to do with making NFL picks?
Q: No Informer, not those words. The other ones that go a little like this: “Ask any bettor, any real bettor, they will tell you it doesn’t matter if you win 10 bucks, or a 100 bucks; winning is winning." And by my account Informer, your current 2017 NFL picks record is 54-50-3 against the spread. In other words . . . You are a winning Informer. Now you just need to start acting like it. 
When you put it that way -- and if we completely ignore the "vig" -- I guess I have no other choice than to crack open the Natties and do what I do best --Inform the people. 
Let's do this.
Q: Informer, who is going to win the 2017 NFL Rookie of the Year?
If the season ended today, Kareem Hunt would win hands down. But with half a season still left to play, I am predicting informing all of you that the ROY is going to end up coming down to DeShaun Watson vs Leonard Fournette. 
Q: Sooo . . . Who are you picking to win? Watson or Fournette?
I am going with Fournette. If he leads the Jags to the Playoffs despite not having a QB on his roster he has to be named the 2017 NFL ROY.  
Q: Who is going to be the 2017 NFL MVP?
Tom Brady is on pace to pass for over 5,000 yards and 30+ TD passes. Just saying, if Tom Brady keeps Tom Bradying (which history says he will) then he is going to run away with the 2017 NFL MVP Award.
Q: Is Ndamukong Suh a dirty player?
Let me ask you this: Is The Informer hammered wasted on Natty lights right now?
Q: We live in a hot take society Informer, so with that in mind what is your hottest of hot takes this Halloween weekend?
How about the fact that Halloween is the biggest f****ing rip off in the history of mankind. Seriously, it cost me over 150 dollars to buy four kids costumes this past week. 
But you know what is even worse than spending that amount of money on four costumes my kids will wear one time in their life? The fact that my wife wanted me to spend another $40 for a monkey hat so we could pretend my 2-year old son was Curious George
Read that last sentence again. 40 freaking dollars on a Curious George monkey hat. Why are we doing this to ourselves? And how can we put an end to it? 
Honestly, I believe that spending $40 on a hat your kids will wear one time (and you know he isn't even going to wear it he will rip it off the minute you put it on his head) has to be the most asinine thing in the history of the world. 
Q: Hey Informer, how much money did you spend on football cards this weekend?
Why would you ask me that?
Q: Well, you just said spending $40 on your kids to have fun trick or treating was the most asinine thing in the history of the world. So I was just curious, how much you – a grown ass man – spent on football cards this week?
Ummm . . . That is neither hear nor there.
Q: Answer the question Informer . . . How much money did you spend on football cards this week?
I spent $92. But in my defense, $8.75 of that was for shipping and handling.
Q: Informer, are you sure you want to stick with the whole "spending $40 on Halloween costumes is the most asinine thing in the world" argument?
Fine, other than a middle aged man buying football cards, spending $40 on a Curious George hat for a 2-year old is the most asinine thing in the world.
Q: What is the best candy you can get on Halloween? Also, just so we are on the same page, if you say candy corn I am going to stab you in the throat with a soldering iron.
Candy Corn? Really? Are there people out there that think Candy Corn is the greatest Halloween candy in the world? I mean hell, it is not even the best corn (on the Cobb obviously) in the world. You know what? I take everything I said about costumes back. Saying "candy corn is the greatest Halloween candy" is now officially the most asinine thing in the history of the world. 
As far as my opinion goes; the best Halloween candy is Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, followed by  Milky Way and then Twix.  
Q: What is your favorite scary movie Informer?
You mean other than the Miami Dolphins 2017 offensive highlight tape? Get it? Cause the Dolphins offense is frighteningly bad? You guys get it. 
Anyways, all jokes aside, my Top 5 favorite scary movies in order are:
  1. Scream
  2. Jason vs Freddy
  3. Urban Legends
  4. I Know What You Did Last Summer
  5. Halloween

Q: Informer those aren’t scary movies. Those are slasher films. There is a difference. I am talking movies like Poltergeist, The Exorcist, The Sixth Sense, etc. You know movies that haunt your dreams.
In that case; I would like to point out that I no longer watch movies like that because I am a scared coward who does not like to have my dreams haunted. With that said; the five movies that I watched growing up that left me scarred for life and scared to sleep to this day are:
  1. Poltergeist
  2. A Nightmare on Elm Street (FYI – I have been told by multiple sources that this is not a good movie to watch the first time you experiment with the Hippie Lettuce)
  3. The Others
  4. The Sixth Sense
  5. Paranormal Activity

(Informer Note - I did not add the links for these movies, because I was to scared to preview the links for these movies.)
Q: Who is the GOAT? Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees?
According to the internet, Jason has 146 murders compared to Michael Myers 94. So I guess, if we are going by stats alone, the answer has to be Jason.
Q: Informer if you were a poor college student what would you be for Halloween?
For the guys: I recommend dressing up as a Catholic Priest. All you need are black slacks, a black dress shirt, some toilet paper (for the collar) and a rosary to wear around your neck (cost about 2 bucks). 
Now, if you can get past the part where you are probably going straight to heck for dressing up as a Priest to try and pick up chicks, you will come to find out that the ladies will be stopping by all night to tell you their deepest darkest sins in the hopes of corrupting your innocent Priestly soul. 
In the words of the bus driver from Billy Madison: "I know from experience."
For the ladies: Get a green t-shirt, some pony tail holders and grow out your uni-brow. Because in Halloween 2017 there is nothing hotter than Margaret McPoyle from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Q: Are you going to dress up as a Priest for Halloween Informer?
Me, no. I am married with tons of kids. The Priest thing does not work for me the way it once did. I'll probably do the same thing I did last year where I loose 20 pounds and dress up as former WWE Champion Yokozuna.
Q: Since you brought up being fat: Which one are you picking Blimpies or Jersey Mike’s?
Blimpies every day of the week and twice on double-punch Tuesdays. Come on guy, if you are going to talk about food you gotta at least make the questions hard.
Q; Okay fat man, since that was so easy for you, how about this one: If you had to get rid of one form of potatoes for the rest of your life which one would you get rid of: Mashed, Baked or French Fried?
I would get rid of the mashed potatoes. Mostly because French Fries are life, and if push came to shove, I could scoop out the inner baked potato and mash it up to make mashed baked potatoes.
Q: Should the Colts trade Andrew Luck?
And it looks like we finally have a winner for this week’s "dumbest question ever" contest. 
Seriously though: Why in the bluest of blue hells should the Colts trade their best player and franchise quarterback? I mean, in what world does this make any sense? I swear, as much as I love the internet, sometimes the 24-7-ness of the whole operation leads to some idiotic takes. 
Q: How does Julio Jones only have one TD catch on the season?
Let me be very clear here: If you are an NFL offensive coordinator for a team that has Julio Jones playing for it -- and said Julio Jones only has one TD catch heading into Week 8 of the season --then you should lose your job immediately for being a complete and utter moron. 
Q: Hey Informer there is a London game this week, is there anything you want to say about it?
Sure. I think A person would have to be completely Snookered to Chin Wag about the Crusty Dragon Browns Seeing a Man About a Dog against the Dog’s Bollocks Vikings on Sunday. So, instead of going the Full Monty and Losing My Plot thinking about how Pavement Pizza worthy this Bin fire of Rubbish match is going to be, I think I will just go On the Piss while handing out the Blimpies Best meme of the week before asking my Up for It wife is she wants to play a game of Slap and Tickle with the Strawberry Creams.

 (The “windows to the wall” part cracks me up every time. Pip-Pip. Bob’s Your’s Uncle.)
Q: Informer, what are the five most "must need to know stats" heading into Week 8?
  1. DeShaun Watson needs 3 TD passes to tie Kurt Warner (18 TDs) for most TD passes in a players first seven starts.
  2. Last week rookie sensation Kareem Hunt (1,002 total yards) joined Eric Dickerson (1,045 total yards in 1983) as the only players in NFL history to gain at least 1,000 total yards from scrimmage in their first seven games. For those wondering, Dickerson gained 190 total yards in his eighth NFL game. 
  3. On 10-29-2012, the great Randy Moss caught and ran 47-yards for the last Monday Night Football touchdown of his career.
  4. Antonio brown is on pace for 1,748 yards receiving. If he does this, he will become the first player in NFL history to have two seasons with at least 1,700 yards receiving. He will also become the only player in NFL history with three seasons of at least 1,600 yards receiving.
  5. As stated above, Tom Brady is on pace to throw for over 5,000 yards this season. If the GOAT accomplishes this feat, he will join Drew Brees as the only quarterbacks in NFL history to have multiple seasons with at least 5,000 yards (Brees has done it five times in his career).

Q: Informer this mailbag is about 2,000 words to long. Please tell me you are going to end it right now with your Week 8 NFL Picks?
I sure am. As always, please remember to gamble with reckless abandon and no regard for human life.
Dolphins (+3) Loss
Vikings (-9.5)
Saints (-9.5)
Jets (+6.5)
Panthers (+2)
Eagles (-12.5)
Raiders (+2.5)
Colts (+10.5)
Patriots (-7)
HGHawks (-5.5)
Cowboys (-1.5)
Steelers (-3)
Broncos (+7.5)

Saturday, October 21, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 7

Here are The Informer's Week 7 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandoned and no regard for human life. 

This is my "proof that Vegas and the NFL are conspiring together to ruin my 2017 NFL picks record by letting the Raiders have 47 extra attempts to score the game winning touchdown on Thursday Night Football" tweet:

Pick: Chiefs (-3)
Q: Informer I know you are looking at the Browns only being a five point underdog and getting more aroused than Jim during that scene in American Pie where Nadia takes off her clothes. But for Tebow-sake man, I am begging you, do not make the Tennessee Titans your Lion King Lock of the Week. Us Titan’s fans can’t afford you putting "The Informer jinx" on our quarterback the same way you did to Aaron Rodgers last week. So please Informer, for one time in your worthless drunken life, do the right thing and leave Marcus Mariota's name out of your mouth.
I am not going to lie; you had me on your side right up until the point where you said I was living a "worthless drunken life". Just saying; in the future when you are begging an internet writer to not jinx your team, maybe you should be a little more flattering than calling said writer a "worthless drunk". 

Anyways, which means please don't interrupt while I am getting hammered drunk and writing internet blogs, the moral of the story is I am most definitely making the Tennessee Titans my Week 7 Lion King Lock of the Week. 

May Tebow have mercy on Marcus Mariota's soul. 
Pick: LKLOTW Titans (-5.5)

This one is pretty simple. The gambling rule book clearly states that a person must never, not even if there is a fire, bet Blake Borltes as a road favorite.
Pick: Colts (+3.5)

I am picking the Steelers because I want to jinx them in the hopes of securing a victory for the great AJ Green.

Pick: Steelers (-5.5)


Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for The Informer's three favorite jokes of the week.  

Q: How does Tim Tebow like his eggs in the morning?
A: Unfertilized.

Q: Did you hear about the Tony the Tiger murder?
A: Police are calling it a cereal killer.

Q: What do you do if you see a Seattle Seahawks player rolling on the ground crying in pain?
A: You reload and shoot him . . . Up with more HGH!!! 

Pick: HGHawks (-4.5)
Things I would rather do than watch Case Keenum and Joe Flacco play football against each other: Bet Blake Bortles as a road favorite. Take Cialis while also taking Nitrates for heart disease. Make a "they are having a worse week than Harvey Weinstein" joke. Stay sober for October. Play Edward Norton's part in a live reenactment of the "Jack's smirking revenge" scene from the movie Fight Club. Go to the pumpkin patch with my wife and kids. One of Charlie Sheen's prostitutes. Stop using the word "hella" to describe how awesome things are. Hit up the clubs with Ray Lewis (Too soon?). Leave my cocaine unsupervised in a Miami Dolphins coaches meeting. And finally, I would rather bet the Minnesota Vikings to win a Super Bowl. 
Pick: Ravens (+5)
I would have to be "Drunk Jay Cutler" wasted to even try and have an opinion on this absolute dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is trying to pass of as a football game. And, well, since it is not humanly possible for a single man to ever be that wasted; I figured this would be the perfect place to hand out this week's Blimpies Best meme of the Week:

Pick: Jets (+3.5)
Q: Is Larry Fitzgerald the second greatest WR of all-time?
I am only going to say this one time so make sure you are listening: Larry Fitzgerald is not even on the same planet as Randy Moss when it comes to the second best wide receiver ever conversation. And if anyone you know tries to make this asinine argument, I give you permission to throat punch that motherless mother f****r square in the nuts so that they know never to disrespect the great Randy Moss again. 

Pick: Cards (+3)


Sooo . . . I wrote this exact sentence word for word 10-years ago during Week 7 of the 2008 NFL Season and I am sharing it with you the readers today because the rule still applies:

"Anytime a good solid team is playing a team with a starting QB named Fitzpatrick, The Informer is taking the solid team."

Pick: Bills (-3)

And it appears we have reached the portion of the article where I start betting favorites because they are giving less than a touchdown against quarterbacks named Trabanski, C.J. Parker and Bert.

Pick: Bills (-3) Panthers (-3.5) Cowboys (-5) Saints (-4)

Chargers at home as a road underdog? Sounds good to me.
Pick: Chargers (+1.5)
I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS I WILL NOT BET AGAINST TOM BRADY AT HOME IN PRIMETIME!!!
Pick: Patriots (-3.5)
With the Kansas City Chiefs loss on Thursday Night football, the Philadelphia Eagles officially became the best team in the NFL. Which of course means they are going to lose at home on Monday Night Football against the Washington Redskins for no other reason than that is how the NFL works in 2017. 
Pick: Washington (+4.5)

Sunday, October 15, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 6

Here are The Informer’s Week 6 2017 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon.
My Thursday night proof of loss Tweet:
Pick: Panthers (-3.5)


This is probably not going to be a huge surprise since 80% of the public is already making the same bet, but I am making Aaron Rodgers the Lion King Lock of the Week. 

The logic is simple: Sometimes Vegas gives us the gift of Aaron Rodgers vs Case Keenum and we just needs to open our wallets and accept it. 

Pick: LKLOTW Packers (-3)
NFL Gambling rules clearly state a person must always bet Jay Cutler when the "Drunk One" is getting two touchdowns on the road the same week one of his coaches resigned because of a cocaine scandal.

Pick: Dolphins (+14)

Q: Informer I was told last week you actually tried to inform people with real stats. Is this true? Did you for once give actual NFL facts instead of making constant jokes about your Natty Light abuse and how fat you are? If it is true, could you do it again this week? I mean, not an entire article, but maybe one section filled with some stats your readers need to know heading into Week 6?

Other than pointing out the part where you obviously misspelled "you're", I guess my answer to your request would be ask and you shall receive. With that in mind here are my Top 6 most favorite stats heading into Week 6. 

  1. The great Adrian Peterson needs three rushing touchdowns to become just the 10th player in NFL history to rush for 100 career touchdowns. 
  2. Speaking of the recently traded -- and hopefully rejuvenated --- Peterson, the Cardinals back needs just 484 yards this season to pass Thurman Thomas (12,074) Franco Harris (12,120), Marcus Allen (12,243), Edgerin James (12,246), Marshall Faulk (12,279) and Jim Brown (12,312) on the all-time rushing list.
  3. Larry Fitzgerald needs 15-yards to pass Steve Smith for seventh place on the all-time receiving yards chart.
  4. Antonio Brown will move into the Top 60 most career receiving yards if he hauls in 63-yards on Sunday.
  5. Sticking with receiving records: Demaryius Thomas (needs 49-yards) and Julio Jones (needs 95) have a chance to become the 92nd and 93rd players in NFL history to reach 8,000 career receiving yards. 
  6. And finally, with a touchdown catch on Sunday, Chris Hogan will become the first Pats WR since Randy Moss in 2007 to catch a TD in five straight games.

Pick: Lions (+5.5)

Things I would rather do than watch the 49ers & Redskins play football on Sunday: Order a salad at Blimpies. Go up against Jay Cutler in a beer drinking contest. Put the urine from a Miami Dolphins assistant coach in my whizzinator. Purposely drink Milwaukee’s Best Light. Have Eminem free-style rap about me. Play Edward Norton's part in a live reenactment of the American History X shower scene. Bet Ben Roethlisberger's under total interceptions during a home game against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Give away my Rashaan Salaam rookie cards. And finally, I would rather bet against Tom Brady on the day he passes Brett Favre and Peyton Manning for most wins by a QB in NFL history.

In other words; I will not be watching the 49ers and Redskins play football on Sunday.

Pick: 49ers (+11)


As I just said; I am not about to bet against Tom Brady on the day he passes Brett Favre and Peyton Manning for most wins by a QB in NFL history.

Pick: Pats (-9)

Did you know that exactly 17 years ago on October 15th (in the year 2000) the Chicago Bears lost to the Minnesota Vikings 28-16 on Sunday Night? 

I for one know this because that was the same night Randy Moss caught his 34th career touchdown in just his 38th NFL game. 

Why does The Informer remember this obscure Randy Moss stat you ask? 

Well, because that night a high school Informer had a girl over to his house for a date for the first time in his life. And well, without going all Penthouse forum on you, I would like the record to show that night ended with a celebratory "Randy Moss scored a touchdown" French Kiss. 

In the words of Paul Harvey: "Now you know the rest of the story."

Pick: Ravens (-6.5)
Here are this week’s “I am going to make fun of Ben Roethlisberger because he threw five interceptions against the Jacksonville Jaguars and cost me money” jokes of the week.
Q: What happened to the joke Big Ben Roethlisberger told his receivers?
A: It went over their heads.

Q: What is Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite lottery game?
A: The Pick Six.

Q: Why do Pittsburgh Steelers fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them to.


(PS- Until the Chiefs don’t cover a spread (they are 5-0 this season), they are a must bet every single NFL Sunday.)

Pick: Chiefs (-3.5)


Some of you may not know, but this is the 10th NFL season I have been writing a NFL picks article. And since it is year 10, I thought I would try a new gimmick where I use something I wrote from 10 years ago to describe one of this week's games. 

So with that in mind, here is an exact excerpt (I swear to Tebow it is word for word) from The Informer's Week 6 2008 NFL Picks article: 

"Ummm . . . The Browns really suck!" 


Pick: Texans (-9)


As much as I love the Adrian Peterson trade for Adrian Peterson -- because I want to see him actually get a chance to run the football which Arizona should allow him to do -- I still can't pick the Cardinals to beat a Tampa team that just went toe to toe with Tom Brady and had 10 days to prepare for the free-falling Cardinals. 

Pick: Tampa Bay (-1.5)


The Informer’s Gambling Rule #751: If you have a chance to bet against the Jacksonville Jaguars and Vegas is nice enough to give you 2.5 points . . . You always take the points and bet against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Pick: Rams (+2.5)


Gambling Rule #752: When you have two bad teams you always take the points. Especially when the favored team is starting a quarterback with a broken traverse . . . Whatever the hell that means?

Pick: Chargers (+3.5)


Ladies and gentlemen as you can see we have a two way tie for this week’s dumpster fire of atrociousness the NFL is trying to pass off as a "Primetime must watch" football contest. 

This of course means instead of wasting any time discussing the trash the NFL is serving up as a main course, we are going to close this article by handing out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week with a little help from our old friend Tyrone Biggums:

Pick: Giants (+12) Colts (+6.5)