Showing posts with label The Informer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Informer. Show all posts

Monday, June 8, 2020

The Informer's 2020 NFL Fantasy Football Preview: Draft #1



For those clicking on an Informer blog for the first time please allow me to introduce myself: My name is The Informer and I am a self-glossed fantasy football expert. My credentials for this "self-glossing" are as follows: I play fantasy football and I once started Ryan Leaf in a week where he completed 1 of 15 passes for 4 yards.

Anyways, which means please don't interrupt the expert while I am blogging, the reason we are here is to try and help you the reader draft the perfect fantasy football team for the upcoming 2020 NFL Season.

Now, in order to accomplish this goal, The Informer is taking it upon himself to draft an un-Tebowly amount of fantasy teams (trying to join 50 "real money" leagues this year) and then I will share my experience and insights from each draft. The thinking is you will learn from The Informer's success, failures, mistakes and triumphs; so when it is time for your draft you will be able to devise the perfect strategy needed to dominate.

Ok, now that we have the "who's and the what's" figured out, the last thing I want to mention before we start is that I am breaking down my team from a "$12 real money league" 10-team auction draft on Yahoo dot com (Yahoo has the best paid fantasy leagues on the internet).

I am pointing out that this is a "$12 real money league" in order to show everyone reading that this was not a fake "mock draft" where two people took it seriously; seven people auto drafted; and one guy spent $174 on the Denver Broncos defense because his third cousin's brother's friend Tami once saw John Elway with his shirt off.

No, this team was drafted into a league with real stakes up for grabs (stakes as in prize money, not the stuff you dip into ketchup) which means The Informer really needs to win so I can pay my bills is fully invested in said team's success.

And on that note, here is Team 1 of The Informer's 2020 NFL Fantasy Football Preview.  

STARTING LINEUP (1 QB, 1 RB, 2 WR, 2 Flex, 1 TE, 1 K & 1 Def)

QB - Matt Ryan ($2)

There is nothing sexy about drafting year 12 of the Matty Ice experience, but for $2 I was able to draft a QB with nine straight 4,000 yard passing seasons who also throws the ball to Julio Jones. Considering I spent all my other draft money on four players, being able to pick up the consistency of the Falcons leader was huge.

RB - Saquon Barkley ($70)

My goal entering every 2020 auction draft is to buy two of the Barkley-Run CMC-Zeke trio. In this draft I was able to snag Barkley, but in the end The Informer got gun shy and did not pull the trigger on CMC ($74) or Zeke ($71) to form the dynamic duo.

Will this lack of guts cost The Informer money in this league? I don't think so, but we will see. Will this lack of guts  haunt The Informer's dreams for the next eight months? Absolutely.

WR - Julio Jones ($44)

WR - AJ Green ($20)

Many fantasy pundits will say that I underpaid for Julio (no reason he is not going for $50), but that I in turn overpaid for AJ (should be in the $10-$15 range). The Informer would say that is why they are pundits and not experts. Because in The Informer's "expert" opinion; I definitely under paid for Julio, but I got a steal with AJ.

The scientific facts to my AJ case are simple: Once the pre-season starts and everyone sees a healthy Green doing what a healthy Green does (making defensive backs his beeotch) his price is going to go up into the mid 30s.

So getting him for $20 is an expert win for The Informer.

Flex - Derrick Henry ($59)

Flex - Damian Williams ($2)

I think the Tennessee Titans are going to give Derrick Henry 400 carries this year. I also think that if the Tennessee Titans give Derrick Henry 400 carries this year, that will mean Derrick Henry is going to rush for 2,000 yards. And if Derrick Henry runs for 2,000 yards he will be worth every penny of his $59 price tag.

As for Damian Williams; I know the Chiefs drafted a running back in the first round, but my feeling is that the Chiefs and their veteran offense are still going to ride Williams while they integrate the new rookie into their lineup. So for me, I would rather spend $2 on Williams than the $40 that was spent on Clyde Edwards-Helaire.

With that said, The Informer does reserve the right to change my mind once we actually get to watch football and see if the Edwards-Helaire hype is real or media made up. Until that time though, The Informer will not be spending Josh Jacobs type money on an unknown when I can have the "almost won a Super Bowl MVP" running back who plays on the same high octane offense.

TE - Noah Fant ($1)

I drafted Fant and TJ Hockenson because I think both guys are going to be second year studs this season. And, well, if The Informer is correct on even one of these guys --then I just got myself a Top 10 player at his position for a buck. How many other guys/positions (kickers and defense obviously not counted) will you be able to say that about in 2020?

Kicker - A guy for $1

Defense - A defense for $1

My life philosophy has always been you only spend $2 total for your defense and kicker. With that said; if you want to spend a few bucks on Justin Tucker (the only kicker you are allowed to spend more than $1 on), or say the 49ers defense, I am not going to be upset with you. I would just say use caution and don't forsake drafting someone like DK Metcalf because you want to save money for the Arizona defense. 

THE RESERVES 

BN - Julian Edelman ($4)

BN - Darius Slayton ($1)

BN - James White ($1)

BN - Henry Ruggs III ($1)

BN - Sammy Watkins ($1)

BN - Tee Higgins ($1)

BN - TJ Hockenson

Julian Edelman is a risk without Tom Brady, but for $4 I think he is a low risk with potential for high reward. Darius Slayton was tied for ninth in the NFL in TD catches last season, so he is a good $1 buy low guy. I picked up James White hoping he has a bigger role now that Tom Brady is gone. Ruggs & Higgins are my rookie lottery tickets. Hockenson I already expressed how I feel about. And finally, I drafted Sammy Watkins because he has Patrick Mahomes at quarterback.

THE INFORMER'S FINAL DRAFT THOUGHTS


Biggest Reach/Mistake (Hashtag: Did somebody say steak?)

This is the dreaded "I got caught up in a bidding war and over spent on a guy" award. In this draft, I would say the dude who spent $40 on Edwards-Helaire made the biggest mistake. But I would also argue The Informer made the biggest reach by ponying up $59 for Derrick Henry. Now, I am not saying Henry was a bad buy, I am just saying that Henry will probably go for $48-$52 in most drafts; so going that far over "Henry budget" has to be considered a reach.


The Informer's "I got me eye on you" Best Future Values

I know that every draft is different, so values will change from draft to draft, but judging on these results alone here are my favorite value guys (guys with cheap/good price tags) that I will be keeping my eye on going forward: Nick Chubb ($49), Josh Jacobs ($36), Melvin Gordon ($15), Cooper Kupp ($14), Zach Ertz ($11), Devin Singletary ($12), Tyler Lockett ($9), Amari Cooper ($10 WHAT?!!!), Kyler Murray ($6 gonna be a huge year), Courtland Sutton ($8), DK Metcalf ($5) and Marquise Brown ($4).

Best Team The Informer Could Have Had If "if's and buts was candies and nuts"

Based on the amount of money spent on every player, here is the best possible team I think The Informer could have drafted if everything had gone perfectly (We had a $210 Budget to fill the roster):

QB - Lamar Jackson ($28)

RB - Zeke ($71)

WR - DK Metcalf ($5)

WR - Amari Cooper ($10)

Flex - Barkley ($70)

Flex  - Devin Singletary ($12)

TE - Noah Fant ($1 seriously gonna be great this year)

K - One Dollar

D - One Dollar

BN- CeDee Lamb ($1)

BN - Austin Hooper ($1)

BN -Ronald Jones ($1)

BN - Damian Williams ($2)

BN - Phillip Lindsay ($1)

BN - Darius Slayton ($1)

BN - Baltimore's "Hollywood" Brown ($4)

Now, while I really liked the way "The Informer Team #1" turned out, any logical fantasy expert can look at the above "hypothetical team" and see there is room to improve. Which means, it is time for The Informer to stop blogging and get back to drafting.

Peace and hair grease y'all. The Informer will be back with Team #2 soon.

Hashtag: "Draft well & Prosper."



Sunday, December 15, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 15


Before we get to this week's NFL picks I thought we could answer a few questions from The Informer's many followers on Twitter. As always, please remember these tweets/questions came from actual real life Twitter accounts. 


I get this question a lot and here is almost always my answer: Did Kelly Kapowski leave Zack Morris for a professor at California University only to realize her mistake in time to fall back in love with Zack so they could run away to Vegas and get married? Did Chic know that Harry Stamper would blow up that Asteroid just minutes after saying goodbye to Gracey because he knew that Harry didn't know how to fail? Is this the worst answer to a "Flat Earth Question" ever? Is the person who tweeted this question actually The Informer pretending not to be The Informer? Was Gordon Bombay minutes away from realizing his dreams of becoming a professional hockey player only to get blindsided in the knee by some cheap minor league goon?  Is The Informer drinking Natty Lights at seven forty five on a Sunday morning? Is The Informer 115-90-4 against the spread on the season? Will more than six people read this blog? Does 6x6=36? Did Jackie Joyner Kersey win a Gold medal at the 2000 Olympics (I actually don't know this one, so if anyone has an answer hit me up)? Could Happy Gilmore beat Tiger woods in a long drive contest? Has The Informer's point been made? Can I move onto the next question now?


I did three lineups today, they are:

QB: Mahomes
RB: Ekler
RB: Miles Sanders
WR: Larry Fitz
WR: King Cooper Kupp
WR: Javaris Landry
TE: Tyler Higbee
Flex: George Kittle's are for winners
D: Texans

QB: 40oz of Matty Ice
RB: Dalvin Cook
RB: Run CMC
WR: Valdes Scalding
WR: Tyrell Williams
WR: Mike Williams
TE: OJ Howard
Flex: Phillip Linsey
D: Chiefs

QB: Mahomes
RB: Ekler
RB: Gurley
WR: Julio
WR: Landry
WR: Mike Williams
TE: Higbee
Flex: OJ Howard
D: Patriots


It is physically impossible for me to just pick one, so here are five players that will absolutely not be on any of my teams next season unless they are auto drafted or there is a fire:
  1. Melvin Gordon
  2. David Johnson (this one hurts, I had him in a ton of leagues this year)
  3. Cam Newton
  4. Evan Engram
  5. Alshon Jeffry


Listen y'all, I am willing to start talking about James Harden if the conversation is "Who are the 5 greatest scorers in NBA History". But if you all start slandering the great Mamba's name with words like "Harden is better than Kobe" than I am going to start a riot and once said riot is over I am going to write a strongly worded letter where I explain to you how I no longer think we can be friends.

You know I am starting to really like this @NotInformers guy. Not only do we have similar names on twitter, but he seems really smart; he is asking excellent questions; and on top of all that he is giving The Informer compliments. I mean I don't want to make anything official, but keep things up like this @NotInformers and I have a feeling you are going to win "The Informer's favorite person on Twitter this week" award.

As for the question: I really suck at picking just one game. Hell, I really suck when I have to pick my Top 5 favorite games. But what I am really good at is picking every NFL game while making money for you the readers. So I decided this year that is what I was going to focus on. No more "I love this bet the most" talk. Just take em all and we make money. 

It is that simple. #NothingIsAStayAway

(The Informer after the thought note -- Let me show you what I am talking about. Last week The Informer went 12-3-1 against the spread (again money money money), but do you want to know what my record was in my "pick five games Super Pick contest" ? It was 2-3. I literally picked all three of my losses instead of some how picking 3, 4 or 5 of my 12 wins. So long story short, we pick and bet every game and we make money. Its that simple.)



I do not. My rule for the first half under is to bet it early in the year while it is the best bet in sports history, but once middle October hits and Vegas starts messing with the lines and NFL teams start rounding into shape I jump off the ship before it sinks.



According to NFLPickwatch dot com I would be tied for 2nd place amongst all the paid experts from the major websites.

Oh man, I am not sure I have drank enough Natty Lights to answer such a serious question. But since you asked I guess I would go with:

PIZZA PLACES
  • Casey's General Store
  • Pappa Murphy's
  • Pappa John's (there is no mountain without Garlic Butter sauce)
  • Pizza Hutt 

TYPES OF PIZZA
  • Casey's Taco
  • Cheese
  • Stuffed Crust
  • Supreme

I liked a lot of movies in 2019 but didn't really love a lot, so I am just going to go with Captain Marvel. I thought it was fun, lighthearted and my daughter loved it. As for TV show there is nothing I enjoyed (and cringed watching more) than Yellowstone. And finally, my favorite new song of 2019 was definitely:


(The Informer Note - Technically this happened in December of 2018, but I did not see it until January of 2019 so it wins for me. Plus this is my blog so if I want to change the rules I can totally change the rules.)


I am not sure why you used the word "seriously" here, but okay. My favorite game day food is called "Super Mucho Potato Ole". 

Here is how you make them:
  • Cook some frozen potato ole's/coins
  • Layer bean dips over said coins
  • Layer the cooked hamburger meat on next
  • Then spread nacho cheese on top. 
  • Take a jar of salsa and dump it on next.
  • Finally put a crap ton of shredded cheese on top of it all and cook for 7-10 minutes.
  • Once cheese is melted serve with sour cream, lettuce and guacamole. Also, this can be eat with a fork, with a chip or in a taco shell. 

I am not going to say this Nacho Ole recipe will change your life, but I will say if done correctly this Nacho Ole recipe will change your life.

Please enjoy.



Ummmm . . . I literally have no idea what you are talking about @NotInformers. Also, speaking of Social Security Numbers . . .



Check your DM's in 7-10 business day's Mr Anderson. I'll make sure it is emailed to you promptly.

So basically I need to beat a Giant who could drink 100 beers in one sitting and another guy who once drank 60 beers in 7 hours? I mean, I definitely wouldn't be betting against myself if that is the case.


The Saints vs the Chiefs, Patriots or Ravens #GottaSeeWhoIsHealthyGoingIntoPlayoffs.


No.

Is it that time already? Okay then, here are The Informer's Week 15 NFL Picks. 

As always please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal and degenerate purposes. Any other use or broadcast of these picks without the written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited by absolutely no one.

Jets (+17)

Lions (+5.5)

Eagles (-6.5)

Packers (-4.5)

Patriots (-9.5)

Texans (+3)

Panthers (+7)

Chiefs (-9)

Giants (-3)

Bills (PK)

Jags (+7)

Cardinals (+3)

Falcons (+11)

Rams (-1.5)

Vikings (-1)

Saints (-9)


THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD
Overall: 115-90-4

Last Week: 12-3-1

Overall Winning Weeks: 10-3-1


Sunday, November 24, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 12



Indianapolis Colts @ Houston Texans (-3.5)

Normally I would share my proof of Thursday Night Football pick tweet, but let's be honest: What is the point of sharing a proof of loss tweet? That's like when Wells Fargo asks me to verify who I am when I call in to give them money to pay for my student loans. I mean seriously, are random strangers actually calling Wells Fargo and saying: "Hey I need to pay this dudes loan off"? Because if they are, please contact The Informer. I will gladly hand you all of my personal information without any questions asked.

Anyways, which means brace yourself folks there is a lot of ranting and very little sports or gambling insight in today's blog, what I am trying to say is I bet the Texans. The Texans didn't cover. So I am not going to go back through thousands of tweets (yes I know I tweet to much, but y'all should follow me anyways) just to prove that I was wrong.

You can either trust that I am not lying, or add another win to my winners column at the end of the year.

It is your choice.

Pick: Texans (-3.5)


Detroit Lions @ Washington Redskins (+4)

As I sit on hold for the fifth straight day trying to get a representative from Disney + to actually answer the phone and tell me why my Disney + does not work, I can't hep but wonder: Who is the bigger dumpster fire of an abortion?

Disney + and their customer service, or this absolute abomination of a clogged toilet that the NFL is masquerading as the Washington Redskins?

Well, after hours of deep intense thought (literally been on hold for hours), I have decided that Disney+ is the winner. Not because Washington isn't complete hot garbage -- they are -- no Disney + is the winner because they took my money while not providing a service. And then when I tried to call and ask them about said "taking of money with lack of service", instead of sending me to a representative, their automated system doubled down and routed my call to a place where the f***** Star Wars theme song plays on an endless loop and no customer service rep ever answers the phone (I am not kidding, they do not ever answer the phone).

So congrats Disney plus. You are this week's biggest dumpster fire of an abortion. You should be very proud. Your commitment to non-service truly is magical.

As far as the gambling goes; I am betting Washington because as we all just learned from the Disney plus story, The Informer love spending all his money on useless trash.

Pick: Washington (+4)


Miami Dolphins @ Cleveland Browns (-10.5)
Denver Donkey's @ Buffalo Bills (-4)

New York Giants @ Chicago Bears (-6)

Betting three road dawgs against teams with playoff aspirations (yes the Bears & Browns are delusional, but they do still think they can run the table and make the playoffs) may not be the smartest move. But then again, neither is drinking 15 Natty Light's while writing a blog at nine o'clock on a Sunday morning.

And yet, here we are.

Pick: Dolphins (+10.5) Donkey's (+4) Giants (+6)


Oakland Raiders @ New York Jets (+3)

My initial reaction was to say when two bad teams play you should always take the points. But after my initial reaction wore off, I thought to myself that I kind of think the Raiders maybe a good football team. So then it turned into a case of a good team playing a crap team with said good team only laying three points; which means the rule says it is actually smart to lay the points here.

Does that make sense?

Pick: Raiders (-3)


Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints (-9.5)

The Informer: You would have to be an absolute drunken moron to bet Kyle Allen on the road against the red hot New Orleans Saints.

Also The Informer: Hey bookie, give me the Panthers (+9.5) . . . I got a drunken gut feeling on this one.

Pick: Panthers (+9.5)


Tampa Bay @ Atlanta Falcons (-3)

I really wish I could quit the Atlanta Falcons. Oh well, maybe next week.

Pick: Falcons (-3.5)


Jacksonville Jaguars @ Tennessee Titans (-3.5)
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals (+6.5)


I am taking the Jags and Steelers in these two contests.

Okay, now that we have that out of the way, here is The Informer's smoking hot wife's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:


I am not gonna lie that one is funny. And she is smoking hot.

Pick: Jags (+3.5) Steelers (-6.5)


Dallas Cowboys @ New England Patriots (-6.5)

I took the Dallas Cowboys in my "pick a team to lose" survivor poll. I also picked the New England Patriots for this blog, with my bookie and in my Super Picks contest. So I guess you could say I am going to be rooting pretty hard for the Tom Brady's today.

Pick: Pats (-6.5)


Seattle HGHawks @ Philadelphia Eagles (PK)

This lined started at Eagles -2.5 and has moved 2.5 points in favor of the HGHawks. What that means is Vegas is going to be rooting very hard for the Eagles to win. So if you are picking Seattle, be prepared for multiple "defensive holding penalties" on third down and an egregious amount of "there was nothing egregious about that obviously egregious pass interference" calls going against Seattle.

That's just the way Vegas does business when they need a team to lose. I just hope that Russ is able to get over the Vegas roadblock and continue his MVP push with a win.

Pick: HgHawks (PK)


Green Bay @ San Francisco 49ers (-3)

Everyone repeat after The Informer:

I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . Drink more Natty's . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . .  I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . F*** Disney + . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . Blimpies is the Best . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . What Would Harry Stamper Do . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . .  I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . . I will never bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime . . .      I WILL NEVER BET AGAINST AARON RODGERS IN PRIMETIME!!!!

We all on the same page here?

Pick: Green Bay (+3)


Baltimore Ravens @ Los Angeles Rams (+3)

Update on the Disney + fiasco - As I was finishing up this blog, they finally answered and advised me that a ticket has been submitted to look into my issues. For fun, here is our exact conversation:

Disney: We have submitted a ticket. It usually takes 2-3 days for them to resolve the issue.

Me: So if it is not fixed in 3 days do I call back and wait on hold for another 1.5 hours to let you know it didn't work.

Disney: Well it has already been submitted so calling back to re-submit the same problem will do you no good.

Me: Okay, so if it is not fixed in 3 days what should I do?

Disney: Well, if it is not fixed in 3 days you can definitely call us back and let us know.


Me:

On the plus side Disney now has my IP Address. So I am sure nothing bad is going to happen to my computers, credit cards, dogs, social security number, porn internet search history, banking information or devices after I called their service a dumpster fire of an abortion.

So at least I got that going for me.

Pick: Ravens (-3)

That is it for this week y'all. I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday filled with winning parlays, footlong Blimpie Best, ice cold Natty Lights and the ability to watch unlimited Disney movies without getting a mother ******* error code #83 server down message.

See you next Sunday.

Informer Out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 88-72-3

Last Week: 10-3-1

Overall Winning Weeks: 8-2-1



Sunday, November 3, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 9



Here are The Informer’s Week 9 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.

San Francisco 49ers @ Arizona Cardinals (+10)

The 49ers won, they did not cover. That means I am still alive in both of my “NFL Pick” polls (thank you 49ers), but it also means I am officially 0-1 ATS on the Week (there is a reason we follow the double digit home underdog rule folks). With all that said, starting 0-1 means only one thing to me: We are going 13-1 in Week 9.



Pick: 49ers (-10)

Houston Texans @ Jacksonville Jaguars (+1)

The Informer is putting a double Tenner on the Dodgy Texans because London games tend to be Wonkier than a Bespoke Wanker Chatting Up an Up for It Scouser. Just make sure you have a Bog Roll in case DeShaun and company accidentally Shamble the bed, or that Knob Head Gardner “Milksteak” Minshew Throws a Spanner in the Works like a Plastered John Thomas Seeing a Man About a Dog.

Either way, it will not matter if you have Twigs & Berries or a Fanny; if the Texans can break DeAndre out Of Her Majesty’s Pleasure -- and a few other Bits n Bobs go our way -- I think we will all be Starker Daft Cows eating Bangers and Chips while counting our Dobbers’s before going Off to Bedshore.

Shag Strawberry Creams and Arse. Easy Peasy One Off Across the Pond wagers are Wicked Cool on Sundays.

Bob’s Your Uncle proof of Sunday morning pick tweet:.



Pick: Texans (-1)

Washington Redskins @ Buffalo Bills (-10.5)

Dwayne Haskins making his first career start in Buffalo against a Bills team that needs to bounce back after an embarrassing home loss in Week 8? Sounds like a person would have to be a total Legless Wazzock who is not scared of a rookie quarterback getting the Collywobbles in his first road start to bet Washington today.

Pick: Washington (+10.5)

Minnesota Vikings @ Kansas City Chiefs (+3.5)

No Mahomes, No MaChiefs bet for The Informer. Sometimes it is that simple.

Pick: Vikings (-3.5)

New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins (+3)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Go home NFL. You are obviously drunker than 10 Informer's at a Natty Light drinking contest.

Pick: Jets (-3)

Chicago Bears @ Philadelphia Eagles (-4.5)

Betting Mitch Trabanski on the road in 2019. Why the hell not.

#Yolo #RevengeOfTheDoubleDoinkGameTime

Pick: Bears (+4.5)

Indianapolis Colts @ Pittsburgh Steelers (+1)

I am betting the Colts to win in Pittsburgh on Sunday. Without doing any research whatsoever, I can tell you that in my 30+ years of living I have never seen the Colts win a game in Pittsburgh. I would also like to point out the Steelers are 24-5 all-time vs Indy --including five straight victories.

So yea.

This should be a real gas.

Pick: Colts (-1)

Tennessee Titans @ Carolina Panthers (-3.5)
Detroit Lions @ Oakland Raiders (-2.5)

I am taking the points with both road dogs. I have no scientific evidence, sound advice from a male nurse, or geographical photos to explain why I am doing this. But since this is my blog, and I am running out of time before the Jags-Texans game kicks off, I am still going to do it.

Pick: Titans (+3.5) Lions (+2.5)

Tampa Bay @ Seattle HGHawks (-5)

HGHawks haven’t had a good convincing home win all season. So, I mean, eventually it has to happen right?

Pick: HGHawks (-5)

Cleveland Browns @ Denver Donkey’s (+4)
Green Bay @ San Diego Chargers (+4)
New England Patriots @ Baltimore Ravens (+3)

These are my three favorite bets of the week. All three will be in every single parlay, teaser and Super Picks contest I partake in today. My reasoning for this is simple:
  1. The Donkey’s are starting a quarterback. That is legit the only things I know about the guy.
  2. It is against my religion to bet against Aaron Rodgers whenever he is having an MVP caliber season.
  3. It is really really against my religion to ever bet against Tom Brady in Primetime.

Pick: Browns (-4) MVP Aaron Rodgers (-4) Tom Brady in Primetime (-3)

Dallas Cowboys @ New York Giants (+6.5)

Y’all I know this week was short and sweet, I apologize for that. The morning football game threw off the timeline so I was rushed to get this out. Just know that even though the article was short and sweet, the picks are going to be gangbusters as usual (68-52-1 on the season).

That is all I got for Week 9. Good luck. May your Sunday be filled with Natty Lights, winning wagers, backdoor covers and all of the three team parlays.

The Informer out.

Pick: Cowboys (-6.5)


THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 68-52-1

Last Week: 10-5

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 6-1-1

(Informer after the blog note: For fun here are a few of my favorite tweets from the past week. If you want to partake please go follow @therealinformer on the Twitter. We have lots of fun over there.)







Sunday, October 27, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 8



Here are The Informer's Week 8 NFL Picks. As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.

Washington Redskins @ Minnesota Vikings (-17.5)

Pick: Washington (+17.5)

New York Giants @ Detroit Lions (-6.5)

When two mediocre teams play against each other the gambling rule book dictates that a person should always take the points and hope Saquon Barkley has a "Barry Sanders like" flashback while keeping the Giants close enough to win in the end.

Pick: Giants (+6.5)

Tampa Bay @ Tennessee Titans (-2.5)

Tennessee and Tampa Bay are The Informer's kryptonite this season. If I back them to win or cover; then they lose and don't cover. Likewise, if I bet against them they both will show up and play like they are the 2019 New England Patriots. It is very frustrating. But, since I am going to lose no matter what I do here, I am going to ride the home team because I want to root for Derrick Henry.

Pick: Titans (-2.5)

San Diego Chargers @ Chicago Bears (-3.5)

Before the season started I had a dream that the San Francisco 49ers easily beat the Chicago Bears in a Week 16 game. During said dream I also uttered the words "the 49ers with Jimmy G are a great bet, while the Bears are not who we thought they were".

Now, because I needed a reason to bet against the Bears this week, I have decided that this dream was not meant to represent just one game (especially considering the Bears and 49ers don't play this season) but rather that the dream was a metaphor for how the entire 2019 season was going to play out.

So from here on out; I will be betting against the Bears and backing the 49ers until my insane dream theory proves to be wrong.

Pick: Chargers (+3.5)

Seattle HGHawks @ Atlanta Falcons (+8)

To answer everyone's next question after reading the previous section: Yes, The Informer is drunk again.

Pick: HGHawks (-8)

New York Jets @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-6.5)

I love Gardner "Milksteak" Minshew as much as the next guy, but I find it hard to believe he should be an almost touchdown favorite over another NFL team. Especially a team like the Jets who were just embarrassed on Monday Night Football. So theoretically they should be playing extra hard to redeem themselves on Sunday.

At least that is what I tell myself as I am flushing my "I bet the Jets" money down the toilet.

Pick: Jets (+6.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Buffalo Bills (-2)

Josh "The Canon" Allen is 5-1 as a starter when The Informer uses his section to post the Blimpie Best meme of the Week. So in the name of moving "The Canon" to 6-1 . . . Here is the Blimpie Best meme of the Week:



#This man had a family. 

Pick: Eagles (+2)

Cincinnati Bengals @ LA Rams (-12)

The Informer is putting a double Tenner on the Dodgy Rams because London games tend to be Wonkier than a Bespoke Wanker Chatting Up an Up for It Scouser. Just make sure you have a Bog Roll in case the Rams Shamble the bed, or that Knob Head Jared Goff Throws a Spanner in the Works like a Plastered John Thomas Seeing a Man About a Dog.

Either way, it will not matter if you have Twigs & Berries or a Fanny; if the Rams can break Todd Gurley out Of Her Majesty’s Pleasure -- and a few other Bits n Bobs go our way -- I think we will all be Starkers Daft Cows eating Bangers and Chips while counting our Dobbers’s before going Off to Bedshore.

Shag Strawberry Creams and Arse. Easy Peasy One Off Across the Pond wagers are Wicked Cool on Sundays.

Bob’s Your Uncle.

Pick: Rams (-12)

Arizona Cardinals @ New Orleans Saints (-13)

I think Arizona scores a late touchdown to backdoor cover. I have zero Scientific evidence or mathematical equations to support this theory.

Pick: Cards (+13)

Oakland Raiders @ Houston Texans (-6)

The Informer is not someone who like's to self promote, brag about, or say look at me (I am totally this type of person); but I made a music video using the theme song from my favorite new podcast on the internet -- The Crackin' Natty's Podcast -- and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did not use this section to completely ignore the Oakland Raiders and self-gloat about how catchy the tune is and how well produced the video turned out.


#LetsCrackSomeNatties

Pick: Texans (-6)

Carolina Panthers @ San Francisco 49ers (-5)

Have a dream that says the 49ers are a great bet. Remember the dream three months later and write about it in your blog so your readers can see how much a psycho you are. Finally, get rich after betting 49ers.

Seems like a totally logical gambling strategy.

Pick: 49ers (-5)

Denver Broncos @ Indianapolis Colts (-5)

I think the Colts are good. I think the Donkeys are trash. Therefore I will not be betting the Donkey's on the road against the Colts.

It really is that simple.

Pick: Colts (-5)

Cleveland Browns @ New England Patriots (-10.5)

Bless me Tebow for I have sinned. It has been five years since my last "I bet against Tom Brady in Primetime" confession. My gambling sin is this: Last week I ignored all your teachings and bet against Tom Brady in primetime even though I knew I was committing a mortal gambling sin. Even worse though, I told all the people reading this blog to bet against Tom Brady. So not only did I knowingly commit gambling adultery for the fourth time in my life; I also pressured others to join me. I promise I am truly sorry for what I have done. I know you are an all forgiving Tebow; so I hope you can see that this time I really did I learn from my mistake. I also vow that I will never again utter the words "I am betting against Tom Brady". I just hope that you can see my actions from last week do not represent who I truly am as a gambler. I ask for this forgiveness in the name of the Father Bill Belichick, the son Tom Brady and the Holy Ghost  Tim Tebow.

Pick: Patriots (-10.5)

Green Bay Packers @ Kansas City Chiefs (+5)

I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I really want to cry because I wish this was Mahomes vs Rodgers . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I'll just drown my Mahomes-sarrows with Natty Lights . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I LOVE YOU MAHOMES!!!!!!!!!! . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team!!!

Are we all on the same "don't bet against the red hot MVP bound Aaron Rodgers" page here?

Pick: Packers (-5)

Miami Dolphins @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-14)

Nope next. And no I do not care that this is Monday Night Football. You can't make me write about this bag of bamboo sh*t the NFL is trying to call football.

Moving on.

Pick: Dolphins (+14)

Before we go here is The Informer's "I think this guy will be the MVP at the end of the season rankings (note I am not saying they are the MVP today, I am saying they will be after it is all said and done):
  1. Aaron Rodgers - The media loves when Aaron Rodgers is great. Right now Aaron Rodgers is great. That makes him my MVP favorite as long as he keeps winning (and I think his defense is finally good enough to keep winning).
  2. Tom Brady - If the Patriots go 16-0 or 15-1 or 14-2 Tom Brady will be in the Top 3 MVP discussions. In other news the Patriots are going to finish 16-0 or 15-1 or 14-2. So yea.
  3. Russell Wilson - I have Wilson ahead of Lamar even though Lamar outduled Russ last week.
  4. Lamar Jackson - So take these MVP mid season rankings with a grain of concaine and a fifth of Natty. 
  5. Run CMC - Because The Informer can't tell the future. So all of these projections are based on what has happened and what I think "will happen" as the season goes on.
And on that note, we are done with Week 8. I hope y'all have a great Sunday filled with winning parlays, cold Natty's and enough back door covers to make your bookie go back to hooking.

Good luck.

The Informer Out.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 58-47-1


Last Week: 8-6

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 5-1-1

Sunday, October 20, 2019

The Informer's 2019 NFL Picks: Week 7



I am not going to lie; due to the Patrick Mahomes injury The Informer does not really feel like writing this blog today. I mean first it was Kevin Durant's achilles tendon. Then AJ Green's ankle gets mangled because the Bengals were practicing on the Sandlot. Then Andrew Luck retires from football altogether. And now Patrick Mahomes dislocates his kneecap doing a routine quarterback sneak?

That is literally all four of my favorite teams being taken from me in the middle of their primes. I suppose this is probably just the sports Tebow's sending karma my way for liking players -- and rooting for Tom Brady all the time -- but whatever is going on it absolutely sucks donkey balls and makes me want to cry.

Don't worry. I promise I will not cry (at least not until I drink a few more Nattys). But I do have to warn everyone reading; The Informer completely mailed this blog in. My mind is here (so the picks are solid), but my heart and spirit are to beaten down to make this an entertaining and informative read.

So I apologize in advance for my piss poor effort and execution today. It is just a really tough time in The Informer's life. I hope you all can understand that while also respecting The Informer's feelings in this terrible time of mourning.

Anyways, now that we gotten the excuses out of the way, here are The Informer's Week 7 2019 NFL Picks.

As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.

Kansas City Chiefs @ Denver Donkeys (+3)

The Informer's proof of Thursday Night Football Pick:


Pick: Chiefs (-3)

Arizona Cardinals @ New York Giants (-3)

In the name of mourning -- and mailing this blog in -- here are 10 random stats about the number three heading into Week 7.
  1. Tom Brady needs 3 TD passes to reach 530 total for his career.
  2. Mathew Stafford needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Tony Romo & Boomer Easison and into the Top 22 all time.
  3. Russell Wilson needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Matt Hasselback and Terry Bradshaw and into the Top 35 all-time.
  4. Andy Dalton needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Ken Anderson and into the Top 45 all-time.
  5. Ryan Fitzpatrick needs 3 TD passes to move into the Top 50 all-time.
  6. Newly minted Titans starter Ryan "RT1" Tannehill needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Archie Manning and into the Top 105 all-time.
  7. Jameis Winston needs 3 TD to move ahead of Chad Pennington and into the Top 130 all-time.
  8. Carson Wentz needs 3 TD passes to move ahead of Bill Munson and into the Top 156 all-time.
  9. DeShaun Watson needs 3 TD passes to reach 60 career touchdown and move into the Top 194 all-time.
  10. And finally, Kyler Murray needs 3 TD passes to become the first 2019 NFL rookie quarterback to reach 10 career TD passes.
Pick: Cards (+3)

(The Informer after the stats note - Jags rookie Gardner Milksteak actually has 9 TD passes on the year. So chances are the man, the myth, the legend will be the first to reach 10 TD passes. But that little fact didn't really go with my theme here; so I fudged the numbers a bit to make them work in my favor. Again, The Informer is mourning the loss of Patrick Mahomes, so please ignore the actual scientific facts and pretend what I was saying works. Thanks. I appreciate it.)

Houston Texans @ Indianapolis Colts (PK)

With Patrick Mahomes officially out of the MVP debate, here are The Informer's Top 5 2019 NFL MVPs:
  1. Russell Wilson - Explanation is simple: He is the 2019 NFL MVP through six weeks.
  2. Tom Brady - If the Patriots go undefeated we will have to at least discuss Tommy right?
  3. Run CMC - Dude is going to break the NFL All purpose yardage record. That has to count for something.
  4. DeShaun Watson - If Watson goes into Indy and wins this weekend -- which he will -- I think he firmly etches his name into the Top 5 MVP conversation.
  5. Aaron Rodgers - Packers have the Raiders and suddenly vulnerable Chiefs standing in the way of a 7-1 record. So yea, I think you are going to be hearing a little more Rodgers MVP buzz in the next few weeks. 
Pick: Houston (PK)

Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills (-17.5)
San Francisco 49ers @ Washington Redskins (+10.5)

I -- like 95% of America -- have the Buffallo Bills in my "Winners" survivor poll and the Washington Redskins in my "Loser" survivor poll.

So yea.

I can totally imagine how these two "easy pick blowouts" are about to go.

Pick: Dolphins (+17.5) Washington (+10.5)

Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions (+2.5)

Here are The Informer's favorite Draft Kings' lineups for today (note -- They all involve the "Lot Lazard" and the Miami Dolphins defense. So yolo wisely folks).

QB: Matt Ryan
RB: Saquon Barkley
RB: Lataveous Murray
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
WR: Julio Jones
WR: Lot Lazard
TE: Hunter Henry
Flex: Josh Jacobs
D: Miami Dolphins

QB: Kyler Murray
RB: Saquon
RB: Dalvin Cook
WR: Lot Lazard
WR: M. Sanu
WR: Mike Williams
TE: Evan Engram
WR: T. McLaruin (Washington Rookie Stud)
D: Dolphins

QB: Matt Stafford
RB: Saquon
RB: D Cook
WR: DeAndre Hopkins
WR: Cooper Kupp
WR: Lot Lazard
TE: TJ Hockenson
Flex: Mike WIlliams
D: Dolphins

QB: Matt Ryan
RB: Saquon
RB: Josh Jacobs
WR: Charks JR
WR: T.Y. Hilton
WR: McLaurin
TE: Hooper
FLex: Mark Andrews
D: Dolphins

Pick: Vikings (-2.5)

Oakland Raiders @ Green Bay Packers (-5)

If you couldn't tell from my last two sections; I totally think Aaron Rodgers is going to ride the Lot Lazard to a win and a spot in the MVP conversation this weekend.

Pick: Packers (-5)

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Cincinnati Bengals (+4.5)

Here is this week's Blimpie Best meme of the Week:


It is funny because it is true #BradyIsThanos.

Pick: Bengals (+4.5)

Los Angeles Rams @ Atlanta Falcons (+3)

I have lost all the money I was allowed to gamble with in 2019 betting the Falcons to cover the last four weeks. So I might as well lose all the money "I am not allowed to gamble with" betting them not to cover.

Man I love gambling. It is so much fun.

#PleaseDon'tShowThisSectionToMyWifeOrMortgageHolder

Pick: Rams (-3)

San Diego Chargers @ Tennessee Titans (-2.5)
Baltimore Ravens @ Seattle HGHawks (-2.5)

I am betting the Chargers. I am also betting the HGHawks. That is it for my analysis on these game.

Pick: HGHawks (-2.5) Chargers (+2.5)

New Orleans Saints @ Chicago Bears (-4.5)

When are people going to realize the New Orleans Saints --with or without Drew Brees -- are one of the Top 4 best "teams" in the NFL? I am guessing it will be on Monday after they beat the Chicago Trabanski's.

Pick: Saints (+4.5)

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys (-2)

Call it a "Natty Light" hunch: But I think the Eagles win this game outright. So I will be grabbing the two points and enjoying the "Philly Special Cover" in Primetime.

(I told y'all The Informer mailed this one in #WhatTheFIsAPhillySpecialCover?)

Pick: Eagles (+2)

New England Patriots @ New York Jets (+10.5)

I want everyone to listen to me very carefully: Only the drunkest of fat morons would be dumb enough to bet against Tom Brady and Bill Belichick on Monday Night Football. I promise, this is not some kind of Natty Light mind trick into making everyone bet the Jets either. I am being 100% serious. There is literally zero logical reasoning to ever betting the Jets against Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots in primetime.

Pick: Jets (+10.5)

That is a wrap for today. Again I apologize for my performance. I know it was not good enough. I will try to be better next Sunday. With that said; have a great Week 7. I hope it is filled with healthy players, lots of winning parlays and enough Natty Lights to cry yourself to sleep waiting for the great Patrick Mahomes' knee cap to heal.

THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD

Overall: 50-41-1

Last Week: 7-7

Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 4-1-1