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Showing posts with label The Informer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Informer. Show all posts

Saturday, October 21, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 7


Here are The Informer's Week 7 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandoned and no regard for human life. 

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (+3)
This is my "proof that Vegas and the NFL are conspiring together to ruin my 2017 NFL picks record by letting the Raiders have 47 extra attempts to score the game winning touchdown on Thursday Night Football" tweet:


#VegasIsMean
Pick: Chiefs (-3)
TENNESSEE TITANS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+5.5)
Q: Informer I know you are looking at the Browns only being a five point underdog and getting more aroused than Jim during that scene in American Pie where Nadia takes off her clothes. But for Tebow-sake man, I am begging you, do not make the Tennessee Titans your Lion King Lock of the Week. Us Titan’s fans can’t afford you putting "The Informer jinx" on our quarterback the same way you did to Aaron Rodgers last week. So please Informer, for one time in your worthless drunken life, do the right thing and leave Marcus Mariota's name out of your mouth.
I am not going to lie; you had me on your side right up until the point where you said I was living a "worthless drunken life". Just saying; in the future when you are begging an internet writer to not jinx your team, maybe you should be a little more flattering than calling said writer a "worthless drunk". 

Anyways, which means please don't interrupt while I am getting hammered drunk and writing internet blogs, the moral of the story is I am most definitely making the Tennessee Titans my Week 7 Lion King Lock of the Week. 

May Tebow have mercy on Marcus Mariota's soul. 
Pick: LKLOTW Titans (-5.5)
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+3.5)

This one is pretty simple. The gambling rule book clearly states that a person must never, not even if there is a fire, bet Blake Borltes as a road favorite.
Pick: Colts (+3.5)
CINCINNATI BENGALS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-5.5)

I am picking the Steelers because I want to jinx them in the hopes of securing a victory for the great AJ Green.

Pick: Steelers (-5.5)

SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (+4)

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for The Informer's three favorite jokes of the week.  

Q: How does Tim Tebow like his eggs in the morning?
A: Unfertilized.

Q: Did you hear about the Tony the Tiger murder?
A: Police are calling it a cereal killer.

Q: What do you do if you see a Seattle Seahawks player rolling on the ground crying in pain?
A: You reload and shoot him . . . Up with more HGH!!! 

via GIPHY
Pick: HGHawks (-4.5)
BALTIMORE RAVENS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-5)
Things I would rather do than watch Case Keenum and Joe Flacco play football against each other: Bet Blake Bortles as a road favorite. Take Cialis while also taking Nitrates for heart disease. Make a "they are having a worse week than Harvey Weinstein" joke. Stay sober for October. Play Edward Norton's part in a live reenactment of the "Jack's smirking revenge" scene from the movie Fight Club. Go to the pumpkin patch with my wife and kids. One of Charlie Sheen's prostitutes. Stop using the word "hella" to describe how awesome things are. Hit up the clubs with Ray Lewis (Too soon?). Leave my cocaine unsupervised in a Miami Dolphins coaches meeting. And finally, I would rather bet the Minnesota Vikings to win a Super Bowl. 
Pick: Ravens (+5)
NEW YORK JETS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-3.5)
I would have to be "Drunk Jay Cutler" wasted to even try and have an opinion on this absolute dumpster fire of an abortion the NFL is trying to pass of as a football game. And, well, since it is not humanly possible for a single man to ever be that wasted; I figured this would be the perfect place to hand out this week's Blimpies Best meme of the Week:

#CocaineIsAHellOfADrug
Pick: Jets (+3.5)
ARIZONA CARDINALS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-3)
Q: Is Larry Fitzgerald the second greatest WR of all-time?
I am only going to say this one time so make sure you are listening: Larry Fitzgerald is not even on the same planet as Randy Moss when it comes to the second best wide receiver ever conversation. And if anyone you know tries to make this asinine argument, I give you permission to throat punch that motherless mother f****r square in the nuts so that they know never to disrespect the great Randy Moss again. 

#Dont@MeCardinalFans
Pick: Cards (+3)

TAMPA BAY @ BUFFALO BILLS (-3)

Sooo . . . I wrote this exact sentence word for word 10-years ago during Week 7 of the 2008 NFL Season and I am sharing it with you the readers today because the rule still applies:

"Anytime a good solid team is playing a team with a starting QB named Fitzpatrick, The Informer is taking the solid team."

Pick: Bills (-3)

DALLAS COWBOYS @ SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (+5)
CAROLINA PANTHERS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3.5)
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (+4)
And it appears we have reached the portion of the article where I start betting favorites because they are giving less than a touchdown against quarterbacks named Trabanski, C.J. Parker and Bert.

Pick: Bills (-3) Panthers (-3.5) Cowboys (-5) Saints (-4)
DENVER BRONCOS @ LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (+1.5)

Chargers at home as a road underdog? Sounds good to me.
Pick: Chargers (+1.5)
ATLANTA FALCONS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-3.5)
I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. I will not bet against Tom Brady at home in Primetime. NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS I WILL NOT BET AGAINST TOM BRADY AT HOME IN PRIMETIME!!!
Pick: Patriots (-3.5)
WASHINGTON @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-4.5)
With the Kansas City Chiefs loss on Thursday Night football, the Philadelphia Eagles officially became the best team in the NFL. Which of course means they are going to lose at home on Monday Night Football against the Washington Redskins for no other reason than that is how the NFL works in 2017. 
Pick: Washington (+4.5)



Sunday, October 15, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 6


Here are The Informer’s Week 6 2017 NFL Picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-3.5)
My Thursday night proof of loss Tweet:
Pick: Panthers (-3.5)

GREEN BAY PACKERS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (+3)

This is probably not going to be a huge surprise since 80% of the public is already making the same bet, but I am making Aaron Rodgers the Lion King Lock of the Week. 

The logic is simple: Sometimes Vegas gives us the gift of Aaron Rodgers vs Case Keenum and we just needs to open our wallets and accept it. 

Pick: LKLOTW Packers (-3)
MIAMI DOLPHINS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-14)
NFL Gambling rules clearly state a person must always bet Jay Cutler when the "Drunk One" is getting two touchdowns on the road the same week one of his coaches resigned because of a cocaine scandal.

Pick: Dolphins (+14)

DETROIT LIONS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-5.5)
Q: Informer I was told last week you actually tried to inform people with real stats. Is this true? Did you for once give actual NFL facts instead of making constant jokes about your Natty Light abuse and how fat you are? If it is true, could you do it again this week? I mean, not an entire article, but maybe one section filled with some stats your readers need to know heading into Week 6?

Other than pointing out the part where you obviously misspelled "you're", I guess my answer to your request would be ask and you shall receive. With that in mind here are my Top 6 most favorite stats heading into Week 6. 

  1. The great Adrian Peterson needs three rushing touchdowns to become just the 10th player in NFL history to rush for 100 career touchdowns. 
  2. Speaking of the recently traded -- and hopefully rejuvenated --- Peterson, the Cardinals back needs just 484 yards this season to pass Thurman Thomas (12,074) Franco Harris (12,120), Marcus Allen (12,243), Edgerin James (12,246), Marshall Faulk (12,279) and Jim Brown (12,312) on the all-time rushing list.
  3. Larry Fitzgerald needs 15-yards to pass Steve Smith for seventh place on the all-time receiving yards chart.
  4. Antonio Brown will move into the Top 60 most career receiving yards if he hauls in 63-yards on Sunday.
  5. Sticking with receiving records: Demaryius Thomas (needs 49-yards) and Julio Jones (needs 95) have a chance to become the 92nd and 93rd players in NFL history to reach 8,000 career receiving yards. 
  6. And finally, with a touchdown catch on Sunday, Chris Hogan will become the first Pats WR since Randy Moss in 2007 to catch a TD in five straight games.

Pick: Lions (+5.5)
SAN FRANCISCO @ WASHINGTON (-11)

Things I would rather do than watch the 49ers & Redskins play football on Sunday: Order a salad at Blimpies. Go up against Jay Cutler in a beer drinking contest. Put the urine from a Miami Dolphins assistant coach in my whizzinator. Purposely drink Milwaukee’s Best Light. Have Eminem free-style rap about me. Play Edward Norton's part in a live reenactment of the American History X shower scene. Bet Ben Roethlisberger's under total interceptions during a home game against the Jacksonville Jaguars. Give away my Rashaan Salaam rookie cards. And finally, I would rather bet against Tom Brady on the day he passes Brett Favre and Peyton Manning for most wins by a QB in NFL history.

In other words; I will not be watching the 49ers and Redskins play football on Sunday.

Pick: 49ers (+11)

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ NEW YORK JETS (+9)

As I just said; I am not about to bet against Tom Brady on the day he passes Brett Favre and Peyton Manning for most wins by a QB in NFL history.

Pick: Pats (-9)

CHICAGO BEARS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-6.5)
Did you know that exactly 17 years ago on October 15th (in the year 2000) the Chicago Bears lost to the Minnesota Vikings 28-16 on Sunday Night? 

I for one know this because that was the same night Randy Moss caught his 34th career touchdown in just his 38th NFL game. 

Why does The Informer remember this obscure Randy Moss stat you ask? 

Well, because that night a high school Informer had a girl over to his house for a date for the first time in his life. And well, without going all Penthouse forum on you, I would like the record to show that night ended with a celebratory "Randy Moss scored a touchdown" French Kiss. 

In the words of Paul Harvey: "Now you know the rest of the story."

Pick: Ravens (-6.5)
PITTSBURGH @ KANSAS CITY (-3.5)
Here are this week’s “I am going to make fun of Ben Roethlisberger because he threw five interceptions against the Jacksonville Jaguars and cost me money” jokes of the week.
Q: What happened to the joke Big Ben Roethlisberger told his receivers?
A: It went over their heads.

Q: What is Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite lottery game?
A: The Pick Six.

Q: Why do Pittsburgh Steelers fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them to.

via GIPHY

(PS- Until the Chiefs don’t cover a spread (they are 5-0 this season), they are a must bet every single NFL Sunday.)

Pick: Chiefs (-3.5)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-9)

Some of you may not know, but this is the 10th NFL season I have been writing a NFL picks article. And since it is year 10, I thought I would try a new gimmick where I use something I wrote from 10 years ago to describe one of this week's games. 

So with that in mind, here is an exact excerpt (I swear to Tebow it is word for word) from The Informer's Week 6 2008 NFL Picks article: 

"Ummm . . . The Browns really suck!" 

#SomethingsNeverChange

Pick: Texans (-9)

TAMPA BAY @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (+1.5)

As much as I love the Adrian Peterson trade for Adrian Peterson -- because I want to see him actually get a chance to run the football which Arizona should allow him to do -- I still can't pick the Cardinals to beat a Tampa team that just went toe to toe with Tom Brady and had 10 days to prepare for the free-falling Cardinals. 

Pick: Tampa Bay (-1.5)

LOS ANGELES RAMS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS(-2.5)

The Informer’s Gambling Rule #751: If you have a chance to bet against the Jacksonville Jaguars and Vegas is nice enough to give you 2.5 points . . . You always take the points and bet against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Pick: Rams (+2.5)

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3.5)

Gambling Rule #752: When you have two bad teams you always take the points. Especially when the favored team is starting a quarterback with a broken traverse . . . Whatever the hell that means?

Pick: Chargers (+3.5)

NEW YORK GIANTS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-12)
TENNESSEE TITANS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+6.5)

Ladies and gentlemen as you can see we have a two way tie for this week’s dumpster fire of atrociousness the NFL is trying to pass off as a "Primetime must watch" football contest. 

This of course means instead of wasting any time discussing the trash the NFL is serving up as a main course, we are going to close this article by handing out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week with a little help from our old friend Tyrone Biggums:


Pick: Giants (+12) Colts (+6.5)

#GO FOOTBALL!!!



Saturday, October 7, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 5



Here are The Informer's Week 5 NFL picks. As always, please gamble with reckless abandon. 
NEW ENGLAND @ TAMPA BAY (+4.5)

My proof of Thursday night pick Tweet:

Pick: Pats (-4.5)
ARIZONA CARDINALS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-6.5)

I am going to bet the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday because the gambling rules state a person is always supposed to bet against the West Coast team flying to the East Coast and playing an eleven o'clock game.

Now, just to show this bet is strictly business and nothing personal against the Arizona Cardinals and their fans, I figured I would share two fun Arizona Cardinal facts that everyone should know heading into Week 5. 
  1. Larry Fitzgerald is 66 yards away from moving past Steve Smith for the seventh most receiving yards in NFL history. 
  2.  Carson Palmer needs two TD passes this week to pass Warren Moon for 11th all-time, and just 10 more TD passes to pass John Elway for 10th all-time. 
Like I said before, Arizona is definitely going to lose and not cover on Sunday, but hopefully their fans will be able to watch a little bit of history along the way. 
Pick: Eagles (-6.5)
TENNESSEE TITANS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (+3)
I know everyone wants to make fun of Jay Cutler for taking a smoke break in the middle of the game last week. But before you start making those disparaging remarks about a man exercising his rights to free smoking, I want you all to remember this: Jay Cutler has more career touchdown passes than Troy Aikman, Kurt Warner, Phil Sims, Joe Theismann, Roger Staubach and Tim Tebow. 
As far as the gambling goes; it is literally against my religion to illegally bet Matt Cassel as a road favorite over a desperate team playing their first “real” home game of the 2017 NFL Season.
Pick: Dolphins (+3)
NEW YORK JETS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (PK)
Here are The Informer’s “Im going to make fun of the Browns for sucking” jokes of the week:
Q: Did you hear about the Cleveland Brown’s football player who fell from his horse and was nearly trampled to death?
A: Luckily, the manager of the WalMart was able to come to the rescue and unplug the horse.
Q: How are the Cleveland Browns like a possum?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road! 
And finally,
The other day my wife was crying because the vacuum cleaner stopped working. Through the hysteria I did the only thing I could think of; I put a Browns jersey on the vacuum and wouldn’t you know it the damn thing started to suck again.

via GIPHY
Pick: Jets (PK)
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-1.5)
On Sunday Frank Gore needs four yards rushing to reach 13,256 career yards. If he accomplishes this feat, he will move past Eric Dickerson for 7th all-time in NFL history. 

Now, I don’t know what the official gambling rule book says about this situation, but my personal philosophy is that whenever Frank Gore is going to make NFL history the same day as the Colts franchise unveils a statue of Peyton Manning --I have no choice but to bet the Colts. 
Pick: Colts (-1.5)
BUFFALO BILLS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-3.5)
LeSean McCoy needs two rushing touchdowns this week to pass Ahman Green, Terrell Davis, Herschel Walker and the newly freed O.J. Simpson for career rushing touchdown. 

In the semi changed words of Forrest Gump: "That's all I have to say about that."
Pick: Bills (+3.5)
CAROLINA PANTHERS @ DETROIT LIONS (-2.5)
Here are three fun facts about Panthers quarterback Cam Newton: 
  1. Last week Cam Newton become the first quarterback in NFL history to rush for 50 career touchdowns. 
  2. With two more rushing touchdowns, Newton will move into a three way tie for the 65th most rushing touchdowns in NFL history. 
  3. And finally, if the former NFL MVP runs for 10 more touchdowns in his career, he would move into the Top 50 all time. 
Pick: Panthers (+2.5)
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-7.5)
Sticking with facts about great quarterbacks in the NFL: Here are five absolutely made up facts inspired by the awesome “Blake Bortles Facts” twitter account:
  1. Blake Bortles once beat "Drunk" Jay Cutler in a beer drinking contest.
  2. Blake Bortles is Chuck Norris' biological father.
  3. Blake Bortles and Batman have never been seen together in the same room. Coincidence?
  4. Blake Bortles watched an entire season of 24 in 6.5 hours. 
  5. Blake Bortles has never lost a game in Pittsburgh by less than 8 points (his only game against the Steelers he lost 17-9). 
Honestly, as great as the great Blake Bortles is (watching a full season of 24 in 6.5 hours is f*****g impressive), I just can't bring myself to look past the fact that he has never lost a game by less than 8 points against the Pittsburgh Steelers.  
Pick: Steelers (-7.5)
LOS ANGELES CHARGERS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-3.5)
Ladies and gentlemen, it is officially time to skip over this week’s dumpster fire of atrociousness the NFL is calling a football game in order to hand out the Blimpies Best Meme of the Week:
Pick: Giants (-3.5)
SEATTLE HGHAWKS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-1.5)
I have absolutely no way to verify the accuracy of this statement, but I am pretty sure that this is the first time in his career (this will be the 11th game) that Russell Wilson has been an underdog against the Rams. 

Well, because the Rams have not been here before (being favored over a good team), I am going to stick to the "let's let them prove it before we Denny Green their asses" NFL gambling rule and take the HGHawks.
Pick: HGHawks (+1.5)
BALTIMORE RAVENS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-3)
The Ravens suck. The Raiders without Derek Carr suck. In turn this NFL contest literally sucks. 

And since that is all of the expert analysis I am prepared to give on this game: How about we use this section to hand out The Informer's Week 5 NFL Super Pick Contest selections and 10-point teaser of the week?

Super Picks Contest Selections:New England (-4.5) Bills (+3.5) Packers (+2.5) Seattle (+1.5) Chiefs (PK)
4 Team 10-point Teaser (all teams must cover to win): Steelers (+5.5) Panthers (+15.5) Packers (+15.5) and Chiefs (+13) . . . Bet $70 to win $50.
Pick: Ravens (+3)
GREEN BAY PACKERS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-3)
Did you know Jason Witten is fourth all time in NFL history with 1,108 catches (trailing in order: Jerry Rice, Tony Gonzalez and Larry Fitzgerald)? Did you also know that Witten needs just six yards to move into the Top 25 for most career receiving yards?
Speaking of elite receivers and weird stats that I find interesting: Did you know heading into this game Dez Bryant has one more career touchdown catch than Packers great Jordy Nelson (69 to 68)? For the sake of clarity, it should be pointed out that Bryant has only played 101 career games compared to Nelson’s 125 games. 
Putting the obscure receiving stats aside and getting back to gambling business; on Sunday I will be following the NFL gambling rule that says whenever Aaron Rodgers is getting points against the Dallas Cowboys, I have no choice but to make Aaron Rodgers my Lion King Lock of the Week. 
Pick: LKLOTW Packers (+3)
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (PK)
The Kansas City Chiefs are 4-0 straight up, 4-0 against the spread and 4-0 in games that Kareem Hunt reaches 100 total scrimmage yards. Now, I can't speak for anyone else, but this "Chiefs being 4-0 thing" seems like a gambling trend I want to partake in. 
Pick: Chiefs (Pk)
MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ CHICAGO BEARS (+3)
Here is The Informer’s final fun fact of the day:

Back in 1999 Cade McKnown -- the first bears quarterback drafted in the Top 15 since the Jim McMahon era -- started his first NFL game on October 10th during Week 5 of the 1999 NFL Season. In that game, the McKnown led Bears defeated the Minnesota Vikings 24-22. 
Fast forward 18 years and Mitch Trabanski -- the first Bears quarterback drafted #2 overall since the George Halas era began -- is starting his first NFL game on October 9th during Week 5 of the 2017 NFL Season against the Minnesota Vikings. 
So either this is the biggest coincidence in the history of the world (I don't believe in coincidences), or we are about to see NFL history repeat itself on Monday Night Football with a Chicago Bears rookie QB getting his first win, in his first start, against the Minnesota Vikings. 
#TheTrabanskiEraBegins #DABEARS
Pick: Bears (+3)




Saturday, September 30, 2017

The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 4


CHICAGO BEARS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-7)
Here is The Informer’s proof of pick tweet:
Pick: Packers (-7)
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (+3)

Over the past Fortnight I have been Sod Off by the fact that I am a Tosser who has Lost the Plot when it comes to picking Bloody NFL games. Hell, I have been Cocking Up so badly by handing out Crusty Dragon picks that I was actually thinking about quitting in order to become a Chap-Scrubber On the Pull for Starker Daft-Cows who don’t know the difference between their Knackers and Strawberry Creams.


But then I realized quitting would make me a complete Axe Wound who should be forced to Go to Her Majesty’s Pleasure just like all the Pounces that Filch from the Khazi Slappers who give you Nookie for money. So, because I didn’t want to be a complete Areshole Axe Wound, I decided I am going to get back to being Aces by betting against The Dog’s Dinner Plastered Jay Cutler.


Now, don’t get your Knickers in a Twist Miami fans, I love the Plastered one as much as the next guy, but the fact remains this Miami Dolphins offense is going to See a Man about a Dog on Sunday; which means they will not be Up for it against the high scoring Saints offense.


Again, I am not arse over tit for this pick, but Before you Bite your Arm off, please keep in mind the Dolphins -- who are playing their third straight road game -- have been All fur coat and no knickers in 2017 so I have no choice but to Leg over the points and take Drew Brees while making myself a couple of Easy-peasy Quids.  


Bob's your uncle. 


Pick: Saints (-3)
(After the pick bonus reason to take Saints: Remember back in 2006 when Drew Brees wanted to sign with the Miami Dolphins, but the Dolphins thought Daunte Culpepper was a better QB? Yea, in the gambling business I like to call slights like “Daunte Culpepper is better than the only guy in NFL history to have multiple 5,000 yard passing seasons” extra motivation. Also, here is a link if you would like to decipher exactly what I said above.)

BUFFALO BILLS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-7.5)

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (-1.5)


NEW YORK GIANTS @ TAMPA BAY (-3)
Now that we got the London game behind us, here is a new section of the blog that I like to call "I am betting three road dogs because I am a f***ing moron who drinks too much". 

Pick: Giants (+3) Eagles (+1.5) Bills +7.5)
LOS ANGELES RAMS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-6.5)
I don't ever bet against the Hall of Famer Dak Prescott at home. Especially when they are playing a team who 10 days ago gave up 39 points to Brian Hoyer and the San Francisco 49ers. 
Pick: Cowboys (-6.5)
DETROIT LIONS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-2.5)
Here are five Scientific facts that prove everyone needs to bet the Minnesota Vikings at home on Sunday:



  • The Earth is not round, it is a trapezoid.
  • Dinosaurs were invented by Stephen Spielberg.
  • Water makes you weak. 
  • The Ailiens built the Eiffel Tower in 1974.
  • Case "The Gunslinger" Keenum is the greatest quarterback who has ever lived.


  • You literally can't argue with Science folks. 

    Pick: Vikings (-2.5)
    CAROLINA PANTHERS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-9)
    For the first time in the history of my life, I am picking against Tom Brady in back to back weeks. In other words: The bluest of blue hells are officially freezing over. 
    Pick: Panthers (+9)
    JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS @ NEW YORK JETS (+3.5)
    NFL gambling rule 312 clearly states "when Blake Bortles is a road favorite you grab the points no questions asked". 
    Pick: Jets (+3.5) 
    CNNCINATI BENGALS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+3)
    I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK . . . I WILL NOT MAKE THE 0-3 BENGALS MY LION KING LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!
    Pick: LKLOTW Bengals (-3)
    PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (+3)
    This game is going to be won by a last second field goal, so I am going to grab the home underdog and hope that field goal comes from Justin Tucker. 
    Pick: Ravens (+3)
    TENNESSEE TITANS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (+1.5)

    If the Tennessee Titans are going to win the AFC South, then they eventually have to beat the Houston Texans for the first time in Marcus Mariotta's career.
    Pick: Titans (-1.5)
    SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-6.5)
    In the name of completely ignoring this absolute abortion the NFL is calling a football game . . . Here is the Blimpies Best meme of the Week:
    #ClassicMikeGlennonIsSmokinJayCutlerInDisguiseMeme
    Pick: Cardinals (-6.5)
    OAKLAND RAIDERS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-2.5)
    The Informer's joke of the Week:

    Q: If you are driving down the road and see an Oakland Raider riding a bike why do you make sure not to hit him? 


    A: It is probably your bike. 



    via GIPHY
    Pick: Donkeys (-2.5)
    INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ SEATTLE HGHAWKS (-13)
    Well, since this is quite possibly the worst Sunday Night game in the history of the NFL, now seems like the perfect time to share with the world my Week 4 NFL Super Picks contest selections and my money-line parlay of the week. 

    Super Picks: Green Bay (-7) Bengals (-3) Dallas (-6.5) Seattle (-13) Kansas City (-6.5)


    Money-Line Parlay: Patriots, Cowboys, Bengals, Ravens, Falcons & Chiefs (10 to win 90)


    Pick: HGHawks (-13)
    WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-6.5)
    Did you know? 

    • Eric Dickerson ran for an NFL rookie record 1,804 yards in 1983. 
    • Only four rookies in NFL history have rushed for over 1,600 yards in a season (Dickerson, George Rogers, Alfred Morris and Ottis "My Man" Anderson).
    • Alfred Morris is the only rookie to rush for over 1,600 yards since 1983. 
    • In 1984, during his second season as a pro, Eric Dickerson set the NFL record with 2,105 rushing yards. 

    I am sharing these stats so I can point out that Kansas City rookie phenom Kareem Hunt -- who is the only player in NFL history to start his career with at least one 50-yard TD in each of his first three games -- has 401 yards rushing through three games. 

    For you math majors; that puts Hunt on pace to not only become the fifth rookie in NFL history to break 1,600 yards rushing, but he is also on pace for 2,139 yards which would break the all-time rookie record and the NFL record for most rushing yards in a season.


    Now, I am not saying Hunt is going to keep this up, but I am saying that through three NFL Weeks the Chiefs rookie is my 2017 NFL MVP. 
    And since Hunt is my MVP, I have no choice but to follow the "never bet against a future 2017 NFL MVP at home in his first Monday Night Football game" rule. 

    Pick: Chiefs (-6.5)




    Sunday, September 17, 2017

    The Informer's 2017 NFL Picks: Week 2


    Q: Dear Informer how does it feel to go 3-11-1 with your Week 1 NFL Picks?

    It does not feel good.

    Q: Hey Miss-Informer, why do you suck so bad at picking NFL games against the spread? I mean you were 3-11-1 last week. Do you even watch football?

    Am I allowed to blame the damn war and that lying son of a b**ch Johnson for my terrible picks? As for the second question; yes I do watch football.

    Q: Informer if I ever see you walking down the street I am going to stab you in the eye with a soldering iron. That is how much money you cost me with your sh**ty NFL picks. Seriously, you should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell with Dan Marino.

    Are you asking a question, or just making a general statement about how my life is going to change if we ever meet?

    Q: Because I am someone who knows how much you suck at life, I decided to bet against you the entire day last week and ended up making so much money that my wife actually let me have extra marital relations with her. So I just wanted to say thank you for what you do. Also, if it is not too much to ask, could please keep up the sh*tty work? You truly are making some people's lives better with your utter incompetence and stupidity. 

    As you can see there was a wide range of emotions stemming from my gawd-awful Week 1 performance. And to be honest, after starting last week 0-9 (seriously 0-9?), I felt the exact same way as everyone else. I was so disgusted that I was ready to give it all up. I was going to quit drinking the Natties. I was going to stop eating the Blimpies, And most importantly; I was going to stop Informing the people and just fade into Bolivia with Mike Tyson.

    But as I was going to my travel agent's website to book my flight something funny happened. I accidentally clicked the wrong button and instead of going to my agent's home page (I don't have a travel agent) I was re-directed to the "stats" page for my blog where I saw something that took away all my feelings of doubt, regret and shame.

    Do you want to know what I saw?

    I saw that despite handing out the worst picks in the history of the world, last week's article was still the most viewed NFL picks article I have ever written.

    And, well, once I saw that people were still reading despite my horrendous record; I decided then and there that I was never again going to let one bad week spoil all the great picks we have had over the past 10 seasons.

    In other words; last week I may have sucked more than a hoover vacuum on cocaine, but that is not going to keep us from making the 2017 NFL Season great again. So with that in mind, here are The Informer’s 2017 NFL Picks: Week 2.

    As always, please gamble with reckless abandon and no regard for human life.

    HOUSTON TEXANS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-5.5)

    Here is The Informer’s proof of loss pick Tweet:


    Pick: Bengals (-6)

    CLEVELAND BROWNS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS (-7.5)

    Y'all want to here a funny "The Informer sucks at gambling" story?

    On Friday night I placed a money-line wager (means the team just has to win) on the Cleveland Indians and lost the bet.

    Now, for those of you who don’t follow baseball, let me explain why this is so funny. You see, up until Friday night the Indians had been on a 23 game winning streak. Basically, they were unbeatable and the safest bet in sports history. That is of course until I jumped on the bandwagon and single handedly took down their pursuit of history.

    Anyways, to make a long hilarious story short while getting back to football, what I am trying to say is f*** Cleveland and I hope LeBron James goes to Los Angeles to play with Kobe Bryant in 2018.

    Pick: Ravens (-7.5)

    BUFFALO BILLS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-7)

    As you can see from the above story, at this current time me and gambling are mixing about as well as Lamb & Tuna fish. But as the old gambling saying goes: "Sooner or later my bookie is going to break my knee caps, so I might as well pull a Bud Kilmer (aka stick to the basics) and bet the home favorite with the better quarterback."

    Because if there is one thing I have learned in 10 years of writing this article, it is the fact that betting the obvious home favorite with the better quarterback is what The Informer does best.

    Pick: Panthers (-7)

    TENNESSEE TITANS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+1)

    If the Tennessee Titans are going to win the AFC South and make the leap like I predicted last week, then they must win this game against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

    Pick: Titans (-1)

    ARIZONA CARDINALS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (+7)

    The answer is 11.

    The question was: How many Natties would I have to drink before I was drunk enough to pick the
    Indianapolis Colts to cover a football game without Andrew Luck?

    The answer is 2.

    The question was: How many minutes did it take for me to immediately regret my drunken life choice and switch my pick from Colts (+7) to Cardinals (-7).

    Pick: Cards (-7)

    PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-6)

    I have very few rules in life, but one of them is too always bet the Kansas City Chiefs the week after they beat the New England Patriots while securing their spot as the greatest team in NFL history.

    Pick: Chiefs (-6)

    NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (+6)

    There is literally no way to verify or fact check this statement, but I am pretty sure Bill Bellicheck has never lost a game following a week where his team is coming off an embarrassing blowout loss to the greatest team in the history of the NFL.

    Pick: Patriots (-6)

    MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-5.5)

    The Minnesota Vikings are traveling on a short week, after a huge Monday Night Football win, and thanks to a "Sam Bradford bum knee" there is a chance their quarterback is going to be Case Kenum or Zack Morris’ best friend Kyle “A.C.” Sloter.

    Call me crazy, but this game – if Sam Bradford is not healthy -- has all the makings of a Pittsburgh boat race. Which is why I am making the Steelers this week’s Lion King Lock of the Week.

    Pick: LKLOTW Steelers (-5.5)

    CHICAGO BEARS @ TAMPA BAY (-6.5)

    I apologize for the up coming rant, but as I was typing this paragraph the Oklahoma Sooners decided to throw an 83-yard touchdown pass with less than three minutes left in a game they were winning by 35 points.

    Please re-read that last sentence again.

    It says that instead of running the clock out and winning the game by 35 points, the Sooners threw an 83-yard touchdown pass on 1st f***** down just so they could cover the point spread. Seriously, who in the bluest of blue hells does that? The damn game was over. Have some f****** class and run the Gawd damn ball so I can push my Tulane (+35) bet you motherless mother ********!!!

    Seriously, I hate your stinking Oklahoma guts. You make me vomit. You are the scum between my toes. 

    Pick: Bears (+6.5)

    MIAMI DOLPHINS @ LOS ANGELES CHARGERS (-4)

    Drunk Jay Cutler getting four points on the road the week after his first game since retiring was cancelled due to a Hurricane? You had me at “drunk”.

    Pick: Dolphins (+4)

    NEW YORK JETS @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-13.5)

    Speaking of the great drunken one, here is this week’s Blimpie Best Meme of the Week:



    Pick: Raiders: (-13.5)

    WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-3)

    Last week the Los Angeles Rams scored 46 points against the dumpster fire known as the Indianapolis Colts and now everyone thinks they are going to beat the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl 52?

    In the words of someone more famous than I: “Grow up Peter Pan.”

    How about we let them beat an actual NFL team before we go Denny Greening their asses the second best team ever?  Would that be okay with everyone?

    Pick: Redskins (+3)

    DALLAS COWBOYS @ DENVER BRONCOS (+2.5)

    As long as Zeke Elliot is not suspended, I am riding the Cowboys.

    Pick: Dallas (-2.5)

    SAN FRANCISCO @ SEATTLE HGHAWKS (-14)

    I am taking the Seahawks because they are a better football team, with the better coach and a better HGH dealer (allegedly).

    Also, since there is absolutely no good reason to keep talking about this game, I thought now would be the perfect time to share my favorite money-line parlay (means you pick teams just to win, no point spread involved) and my Las Vegas Super Picks contest selections for this week.

    Parlay: Steelers, Ravens, Patriots, Packers & Lions (A $150 bets wins $1930)

    Las Vegas Super Picks: Steelers (-5.5) Ravens (-8) Cowboys (-2.5) Packers (+3) & Raiders (-13.5)

    Pick: HGH Hawks (-14)

    GREEN BAY PACKERS @ ATLANTA FALCONS (-3)

    As you can see from the above section, I am following the “never bet against Aaron Rodgers as an underdog in Primetime” rule.

    Pick: Packers (+3)

    DETROIT LIONS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (+3.5)

    Last week I had a number of people (one person) notice that I did not mention the 1st half under in primetime and they wanted to know why?

    My answer to that question is this: I did not mention the 1st half under in primetime because Vegas was starting to catch on and I did not want our free money making bet to be destroyed by the Vegas mob. So from now on, just because I am not writing about it, does not mean you and I should not be betting it.

    Like I said at the beginning of this article; stick to the basics and keep doing the right thing with the best bet in football --and at the end of the day you will make money.

    Pick: Lions (+3.5) & the you know what (u21.5)