Here are The Informer's Week 8 NFL Picks.
As always, please remember these picks are only to be used for illegal debauchery things such as online gambling, parlays, teasers and Super Pick contests. Any other use of this blog, its accounts or any information provided without the express written consent of The Informer is strictly prohibited.
Washington Redskins @ Minnesota Vikings (-17.5)
Pick: Washington (+17.5)
New York Giants @ Detroit Lions (-6.5)
When two mediocre teams play against each other the gambling rule book dictates that a person should always take the points and hope Saquon Barkley has a "Barry Sanders like" flashback while keeping the Giants close enough to win in the end.
Pick: Giants (+6.5)
Tampa Bay @ Tennessee Titans (-2.5)
Tennessee and Tampa Bay are The Informer's kryptonite this season. If I back them to win or cover; then they lose and don't cover. Likewise, if I bet against them they both will show up and play like they are the 2019 New England Patriots. It is very frustrating. But, since I am going to lose no matter what I do here, I am going to ride the home team because I want to root for Derrick Henry.
Pick: Titans (-2.5)
San Diego Chargers @ Chicago Bears (-3.5)
Before the season started I had a dream that the San Francisco 49ers easily beat the Chicago Bears in a Week 16 game. During said dream I also uttered the words "the 49ers with Jimmy G are a great bet, while the Bears are not who we thought they were".
Now, because I needed a reason to bet against the Bears this week, I have decided that this dream was not meant to represent just one game (especially considering the Bears and 49ers don't play this season) but rather that the dream was a metaphor for how the entire 2019 season was going to play out.
So from here on out; I will be betting against the Bears and backing the 49ers until my insane dream theory proves to be wrong.
Pick: Chargers (+3.5)
Seattle HGHawks @ Atlanta Falcons (+8)
To answer everyone's next question after reading the previous section: Yes, The Informer is drunk again.
I love Gardner "Milksteak" Minshew as much as the next guy, but I find it hard to believe he should be an almost touchdown favorite over another NFL team. Especially a team like the Jets who were just embarrassed on Monday Night Football. So theoretically they should be playing extra hard to redeem themselves on Sunday.
At least that is what I tell myself as I am flushing my "I bet the Jets" money down the toilet.
Pick: Jets (+6.5)
Philadelphia Eagles @ Buffalo Bills (-2)
Josh "The Canon" Allen is 5-1 as a starter when The Informer uses his section to post the Blimpie Best meme of the Week. So in the name of moving "The Canon" to 6-1 . . . Here is the Blimpie Best meme of the Week:
#This man had a family.
Pick: Eagles (+2)
Cincinnati Bengals @ LA Rams (-12)
The Informer is putting a double
Tenner on the
Dodgy Rams because London games tend to be
Wonkier than a
Bespoke Wanker Chatting Up an Up for It Scouser. Just make sure you have a
Bog Roll in case the Rams
Shamble the bed, or that
Knob Head Jared Goff
Throws a Spanner in the Works like a
Plastered John Thomas Seeing a Man About a Dog.
Either way, it will not matter if you have
Twigs & Berries or a
Fanny; if the Rams can break Todd Gurley out
Of Her Majesty’s Pleasure -- and a few other
Bits n Bobs go our way -- I think we will all be
Starkers Daft Cows eating
Bangers and Chips while counting our
Dobbers’s before going
Off to Bedshore.
Shag Strawberry Creams and
Arse.
Easy Peasy One Off Across the Pond wagers are
Wicked Cool on Sundays.
Bob’s Your Uncle.
Pick: Rams (-12)
Arizona Cardinals @ New Orleans Saints (-13)
I think Arizona scores a late touchdown to backdoor cover. I have zero Scientific evidence or mathematical equations to support this theory.
Pick: Cards (+13)
Oakland Raiders @ Houston Texans (-6)
The Informer is not someone who like's to self promote, brag about, or say look at me (I am totally this type of person); but I made a music video using the theme song from my favorite new podcast on the internet --
The Crackin' Natty's Podcast -- and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did not use this section to completely ignore the Oakland Raiders and self-gloat about how catchy the tune is and how well produced the video turned out.
#LetsCrackSomeNatties
Pick: Texans (-6)
Carolina Panthers @ San Francisco 49ers (-5)
Have a dream that says the 49ers are a great bet. Remember the dream three months later and write about it in your blog so your readers can see how much a psycho you are. Finally, get rich after betting 49ers.
Seems like a totally logical gambling strategy.
Pick: 49ers (-5)
Denver Broncos @ Indianapolis Colts (-5)
I think the Colts are good. I think the Donkeys are trash. Therefore I will not be betting the Donkey's on the road against the Colts.
It really is that simple.
Pick: Colts (-5)
Cleveland Browns @ New England Patriots (-10.5)
Bless me Tebow for I have sinned. It has been five years since my last "I bet against Tom Brady in Primetime" confession. My gambling sin is this: Last week I ignored all your teachings and bet against Tom Brady in primetime even though I knew I was committing a mortal gambling sin. Even worse though, I told all the people reading this blog to bet against Tom Brady. So not only did I knowingly commit gambling adultery for the fourth time in my life; I also pressured others to join me. I promise I am truly sorry for what I have done. I know you are an all forgiving Tebow; so I hope you can see that this time I really did I learn from my mistake. I also vow that I will never again utter the words "I am betting against Tom Brady". I just hope that you can see my actions from last week do not represent who I truly am as a gambler. I ask for this forgiveness in the name of
the Father Bill Belichick,
the son Tom Brady and
the Holy Ghost Tim Tebow.
Pick: Patriots (-10.5)
Green Bay Packers @ Kansas City Chiefs (+5)
I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I really want to cry because I wish this was Mahomes vs Rodgers . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I'll just drown my Mahomes-sarrows with Natty Lights . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I LOVE YOU MAHOMES!!!!!!!!!! . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team . . . I will not bet against Aaron Rodgers in Primetime playing against a Mahomes-less Chiefs team!!!
Are we all on the same "don't bet against the red hot MVP bound Aaron Rodgers" page here?
Pick: Packers (-5)
Miami Dolphins @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-14)
Nope next. And no I do not care that this is Monday Night Football. You can't make me write about this bag of bamboo sh*t the NFL is trying to call football.
Moving on.
Pick: Dolphins (+14)
Before we go here is The Informer's "I think this guy will be the MVP at the end of the season rankings (note I am not saying they are the MVP today, I am saying they will be after it is all said and done):
- Aaron Rodgers - The media loves when Aaron Rodgers is great. Right now Aaron Rodgers is great. That makes him my MVP favorite as long as he keeps winning (and I think his defense is finally good enough to keep winning).
- Tom Brady - If the Patriots go 16-0 or 15-1 or 14-2 Tom Brady will be in the Top 3 MVP discussions. In other news the Patriots are going to finish 16-0 or 15-1 or 14-2. So yea.
- Russell Wilson - I have Wilson ahead of Lamar even though Lamar outduled Russ last week.
- Lamar Jackson - So take these MVP mid season rankings with a grain of concaine and a fifth of Natty.
- Run CMC - Because The Informer can't tell the future. So all of these projections are based on what has happened and what I think "will happen" as the season goes on.
And on that note, we are done with Week 8. I hope y'all have a great Sunday filled with winning parlays, cold Natty's and enough back door covers to make your bookie go back to hooking.
Good luck.
The Informer Out.
THE INFORMER'S 2019 NFL PICKS RECORD
Overall Winning Weeks ATS : 5-1-1
