Before we begin The Informer would like to give a big shout-out to everyone who took the time to send in questions. With out all of your contributions, this article would not have been able to happen. So thank you all from the bottom of The Informer's butter filled heart.
Okay, so now that we have the mushy stuff out of the way, everyone please crack open them Natties, and enjoy The Informer’s First Annual Bill Simmons-Style End of Summer Mailbag. Q: Will the Denver Broncos miss the playoffs this season? And where would you rank Peyton Manning all-time if his career ended today?
-- Kim, Denver, Colorado
This is a perfect place to start, because for some reason the "National Media" has, for the fourth straight season, once again tried to start the "Peyton Manning is washed up" talk. The Informer is not lying. This is the fourth straight year where everyone is saying there is no way Manning can hold up, his arm strength is this and cold weather blah . . .blah . . . freaking blah.
Listening to the haters hate on Manning is really one of the most annoying parts of any upcoming season. Seriously people, the dude is great. Just accept it and move on. Stop trying to be the person who makes a bold prediction on Manning losing all his ability to play football, so on the 1-1 billionth (Is billionth a word?) chance it happens, you can have bragging rights later in the season (this is the same guy who will change his tone bye Week 5 and say he always knew Manning was capable of playing like an MVP).
You know what though? Let the haters hate. Because the people who actually watch Manning on a week to week basis, and don't just listen to the "National Media" make up storylines, know that once again this season the 5x NFL MVP Peyton Manning is going to play like a 5x NFL MVP.
Listen, The Informer is sorry he has to upset all the Manning haters, but history is history and Manning's history has proven year after year that the man with the most MVP awards ever is not going to win less than 11 games.
So no, the Broncos are not going to miss the playoffs. They will be a one or two seed in the AFC and then it will come down to whether or not Manning is healthy (remember last year he played the final month with a torn quad) as to how far they make it. You know what though? Let the haters hate. Because the people who actually watch Manning on a week to week basis, and don't just listen to the "National Media" make up storylines, know that once again this season the 5x NFL MVP Peyton Manning is going to play like a 5x NFL MVP.
Listen, The Informer is sorry he has to upset all the Manning haters, but history is history and Manning's history has proven year after year that the man with the most MVP awards ever is not going to win less than 11 games.
Q: Hey Informer, I hear that you are a great usher during people's weddings. So, because you are so good at ushering people in the right direction, I was wondering if you could tell me who is going to the NFL Championship games, who is going to be leading at the final buzzer of said NFL Championship games, and who will be sitting atop the NFL when it is all said and done?
-- Justin, North Platte, Nebraska
It is true about the usher thing. In fact, The Informer was an usher for his friend Justin’s wedding two weeks ago (total coincidence that a guy named Justin asked this question) and basically every person in the audience said The Informer was hands down the greatest usher in the history of weddings.
-- Justin, North Platte, Nebraska
It is true about the usher thing. In fact, The Informer was an usher for his friend Justin’s wedding two weeks ago (total coincidence that a guy named Justin asked this question) and basically every person in the audience said The Informer was hands down the greatest usher in the history of weddings.
Unfortunately, despite all the accolades, it was later discovered that The Informer was using performance enhancers (Natty Lights) before the wedding and thus the “Usher Hall of Fame” has declared The Informer's performance ineligible to receive any kind of awards or recognition.
It is truly a tragic situation that The Informer feels horribly about. Honestly guys, The Informer thought he was drinking Adderall out of a can. The Informer had no idea it was actually Natty Light.
I swear to "Tebow".
But in the end, what goes into my body is my responsibility. So The Informer will take this punishment and learn from it. And hopefully one day you all can forgive me.
Getting back to the sport's question: Broncos, Bengals, Patriots and Colts will be the final four in the AFC with the Colts beating the Broncos to reach the Super Bowl. On the other side the Packers, Eagles, Lions and Seahawks will be the final four in the NFC with the Packers beating Seattle to make the Super Bowl.
Getting back to the sport's question: Broncos, Bengals, Patriots and Colts will be the final four in the AFC with the Colts beating the Broncos to reach the Super Bowl. On the other side the Packers, Eagles, Lions and Seahawks will be the final four in the NFC with the Packers beating Seattle to make the Super Bowl.
Then we will see Andrew Luck take down Aaron Rodgers in one of the greatest QB vs. QB battles the Super Bowl has ever witnessed.
Q: Dear lord, is this going to be another 5,000 word article where all you do is talk about how Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck give you a boner? Seriously Informer, how come you never write about good people; like the Miami Dolphins and Ryan Tannehill? P.S. - No one likes you and they think your are an ugly, overweight, jackass.
-- Vern, Iowa
Hey Vern in Iowa, it is spelled you’re ugly. Not your.
Now, despite your very hurtful words, The Informer will gladly answer the question; because that is what The Informer does.
Now, despite your very hurtful words, The Informer will gladly answer the question; because that is what The Informer does.
So, the reason The Informer is always writing about Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning, is because they are awesome. Trust me; once Ryan "RT1" Tannehill takes the next step and becomes this generations Tom Brady, The Informer promises he will write about him all the time to.
(The Informer note - For those new to The Informer, the reason he is Ryan "RT1" Tannehill is because he is the first ever Ryan Tannehill. Kind of like Robert Griffin is the third Robert Griffin. I’m glad we got that all cleared up.)
Q: Which NFL draft class has had the most impact during your lifetime? 1989, 1993 or something more recent?(The Informer note - For those new to The Informer, the reason he is Ryan "RT1" Tannehill is because he is the first ever Ryan Tannehill. Kind of like Robert Griffin is the third Robert Griffin. I’m glad we got that all cleared up.)
-- A.J., Iowa
Answering strictly off of the top of my head, it is pretty hard to beat the 1997 NFL Draft. That was the year Peyton Manning, Charles Woodson, Ryan Leaf and Randy Moss all came into the league. Just saying, three of those guys are in the conversation as the best to ever play their position and the other guy gave us this Beats by Dre commercial . . .
Q: What inspired you to want to go into sports writing as a young man?
-- My Mother, Niobrara, NebraskaThe main reason The Informer wanted to become a sports writer is because of "The Sports Guy" Bill Simmons. After The Informer first started reading Simmons in 2002, there was no doubt in my mind that one day I wanted to do what he was doing --i.e. make people laugh while they read my obscure sports takes.
P.S. - Thanks for the question mom.
Q: Did you like the ending to SummerSlam? Do you think this now means we will get Lesnar/Taker III at WrestleMania in Texas?
-- @Sweetnesz13
If you would have asked me this question two weeks ago, The Informer would have groaned at the thought of watching Lesnar/Taker for the third time. But after Sunday night, all The Informer can say is "please let there be a rubber match at Mania."
Q: Is the Washington Nationals problem a lack of leadership by the face of their franchise Bryce Harper? And what do you think Matt Williams future as a manage is?
-- Caleb, Tennessee
Remember a few years ago when the Nationals had the best team in baseball and decided instead of winning the World Series they were going to shut down their ace pitcher and hope for the best? Yea . . . That is what is wrong with this franchise. It has nothing to do with a 21-year olds leadership and everything to do with the karma “Tebow's” punishing upper management for making decisions that are not about winning baseball games.
As for the second question; The Informer has no idea who in the bluest of blue hells Matt Williams is. Is he the guy who used to play third base for the San Francisco Giants during the early 90s?
Q: What do the Portland Trailblazers have to do to be relevant again?Remember a few years ago when the Nationals had the best team in baseball and decided instead of winning the World Series they were going to shut down their ace pitcher and hope for the best? Yea . . . That is what is wrong with this franchise. It has nothing to do with a 21-year olds leadership and everything to do with the karma “Tebow's” punishing upper management for making decisions that are not about winning baseball games.
As for the second question; The Informer has no idea who in the bluest of blue hells Matt Williams is. Is he the guy who used to play third base for the San Francisco Giants during the early 90s?
-- Brady, Oregon
First and foremost they need to stop drafting broken down centers (Bowie, Oden) over once in a generation scorers (Michael, Durant). That would be a good start. The other thing they need to do is tank this season so they can get a high draft pick next year.
And yes, The Informer is going to advise every team in the West tank this season, that way Kobe can get back into the playoffs #LongLiveMamba.
Q: I'm a lifelong Vikings fan, but I have a fairly rigid anti-child abuse policy. So what the hell am I supposed to do now?
-- Patrick, Auburn, Nebraska
-- Patrick, Auburn, Nebraska
Pat you are from Nebraska so I am assuming you are a Huskers fan. So my question to you is: Did you root for the 1995 Huskers? Just saying, there were some pretty shady characters on that team, yet we still love them and consider them to be the greatest human beings to ever walk the Earth.
Besides, doesn't everyone deserves a second chance to do the right thing? Don't get me wrong, what Peterson did was despicable and there is no place for that in our society. But the dude paid his punishment (legally and professionally), he has apologized, and now he deserves the second chance to prove he is a better person who will never make that mistake again.
As long as he does that, there is no reason for you not to root for the Vikings.
Other than all of the losing of course.
Q: Is it a violation to take your wife to a fantasy football draft?
-- Brady, Oregon
Let me guess Brady, your wife is also your best friend? I mean come on man . . . Unless she is in the league, it is most definitely a violation to take her to the draft.
Here is the thing; you have every other day of the year to hang out with your wife. So don't let her tag along on the one day it is supposed to be about your friends and football.
Q: Are you f****** kidding me? I am not your best friend? Have any of your so called "best friends" pushed a kid out of their body for you? You better sleep with one eye open ass clown. Also, why don't you tell the world how you were not even man enough to ask me to go to your draft? Instead you just did it on the computer while begging me to "be nice" to you. I agree with Vern, you are a f****** jackass.
-- Mrs. Informer, Parts Unknown
See what I am talking about Brady. My wife wouldn’t even let me leave the house and then she publicly shamed me about it while calling me an ass clown. Seriously, who does that?
Honestly though, you want to know what is even worse than the public shaming and naming calling? The actual transcript from the night of my draft.
Here it is . . .
Me: “Well damn, I had to overpay but at least I got Andrew Luck.”
Besides, doesn't everyone deserves a second chance to do the right thing? Don't get me wrong, what Peterson did was despicable and there is no place for that in our society. But the dude paid his punishment (legally and professionally), he has apologized, and now he deserves the second chance to prove he is a better person who will never make that mistake again.
As long as he does that, there is no reason for you not to root for the Vikings.
Other than all of the losing of course.
Q: Is it a violation to take your wife to a fantasy football draft?
-- Brady, Oregon
Let me guess Brady, your wife is also your best friend? I mean come on man . . . Unless she is in the league, it is most definitely a violation to take her to the draft.
Here is the thing; you have every other day of the year to hang out with your wife. So don't let her tag along on the one day it is supposed to be about your friends and football.
Q: Are you f****** kidding me? I am not your best friend? Have any of your so called "best friends" pushed a kid out of their body for you? You better sleep with one eye open ass clown. Also, why don't you tell the world how you were not even man enough to ask me to go to your draft? Instead you just did it on the computer while begging me to "be nice" to you. I agree with Vern, you are a f****** jackass.
-- Mrs. Informer, Parts Unknown
See what I am talking about Brady. My wife wouldn’t even let me leave the house and then she publicly shamed me about it while calling me an ass clown. Seriously, who does that?
Honestly though, you want to know what is even worse than the public shaming and naming calling? The actual transcript from the night of my draft.
Here it is . . .
Me: “Well damn, I had to overpay but at least I got Andrew Luck.”
My Wife: "Really you are going to drink another beer?"
Me: "Do you think I should draft Carolos Hyde or Mike Evans?”
My Wife: "Do you think I should stab you in your sleep or put rat poison in your Blimpie sandwich?"
Me: "Holy sh*t I got Julio Jones for $47. I can't remember the last time I was this freaking excited?"
My Wife: "I don't know, how about when we got married? Or when your f****** son was born two months ago?"
Me: “I love you (said with a Ron Burgundy upper inflection)?"
My Wife: "I want a divorce."
I’m telling you Brady, don’t get divorced at your fantasy draft. That is no fun for anyone involved. Instead get the wife a nice bottle of wine, rent Magic Mike Part Two, then sneak out the back door and enjoy the male bonding experience.
Q: What is your favorite Jay Cutler meme? Personally, I like the one where he is playing Russian Roulette and its says, "I bet he misses". LOL, classic Jay Cutler.
Me: "Do you think I should draft Carolos Hyde or Mike Evans?”
My Wife: "Do you think I should stab you in your sleep or put rat poison in your Blimpie sandwich?"
Me: "Holy sh*t I got Julio Jones for $47. I can't remember the last time I was this freaking excited?"
My Wife: "I don't know, how about when we got married? Or when your f****** son was born two months ago?"
Me: “I love you (said with a Ron Burgundy upper inflection)?"
My Wife: "I want a divorce."
I’m telling you Brady, don’t get divorced at your fantasy draft. That is no fun for anyone involved. Instead get the wife a nice bottle of wine, rent Magic Mike Part Two, then sneak out the back door and enjoy the male bonding experience.
Q: What is your favorite Jay Cutler meme? Personally, I like the one where he is playing Russian Roulette and its says, "I bet he misses". LOL, classic Jay Cutler.
-- Snaps, Iowa
The Informer is pretty fond of this one . . .
The Informer is pretty fond of this one . . .
Q: Speaking of Jay Cutler, will he ever lead the Bears to the playoffs again?
-- Snaps, Iowa
The Informer bet the Bears under eight wins this season. So for this year the answer is hopefully no. With that said; do not sleep on John Foxx as the Bears new head coach. Remember, this is a guy who took Jake Delhomme to a Super Bowl and won a playoff game with Tim Tebow as his quarterback.
Q: Hey Informer, did you see that your Huskers PA announcer got arrested for bilking old ladies out of their hard earned money? That's shady stuff, dude.
-- Pat, California
Does bilking mean having sex with? Was this dude actually prostituting himself out to old ladies? Gross.
Q: Will Ryan Fitzpatrick still somehow be starting for a team in the year 2025? Seriously, how does this guy keep getting work?
-- Joey, Chicago
Ladies and gentlemen, you’re 2025 Cleveland Browns.
Q: On baseball fields they have foul lines & foul poles. Why aren't they called fair lines and fair poles?
-- Jim, St. Louis
"Freakin Obama."
Q: Have you watched You're the Worst on FX yet? That is some underatted TV right there.
-- @thepatjanssen
Criminal Minds, House Hunters, Flip or Flop, Flip or Flop Follow Up, Flipping Vegas, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Monday Night Raw, Suits, Graceland, Girl Meets World, Dukes of Hazzard re-runs, live Sports, NBC's The Blacklist, Catch A Contractor, Blue Bloods, Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll, Dora the Explorer, CSI Cyber, Saturday Night Live, Aquarius, Last Comic Standing, Gotham, Mr. Robot, Scooby-Doo, Jesse Stone, Scream, Sheriff Callie's Wild West, Beating Bobby Flay and Guy's Grocery Games are currently the shows The Informer is watching.
So no, due to lack of time from scheduling conflicts, The Informer does not watch You're the Worst.
Q: Informer can you compare NFL quarterbacks to different fast foods? Like since we all know about your obsession with Blimpies, that would make Aaron Rodgers the Blimpie Best of QBs. You can go from there.
-- Zach Libby, The Michigan State University
Now that is an awesome question. And of course The Informer can do that.
Ryan Mallet/Brian Hoyer is a Sbarro’s pizza; because, well, Sbarro’s pizza is not very good and neither is Ryan Mallet/Brian Hoyer.
Marcus Mariota is the chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell; because just like Mariota’s rookie of the year chances (sneaky good), one of The Informer’s sneaky favorite fast food meals is the Taco Bell chicken quesadilla.
Jameis Winston is the Ultimate Triple Whopper from Burger King. For those unfamiliar, this is a sandwich that contains three all beef patties, eight pieces of bacon and four pieces of cheese. It is literally the biggest, greatest and one of the most disgusting things on the face of the Earth. But damn it is good. And say what you want about Famous Jameis and his disgusting off the field issues, he is damn good when it comes to on the field performance.
Jay Cutler is any Subway sandwich; because whenever The Informer is forced to eat Subway (sometimes there is no Blimpies available when a sandwich is needed) he feels like stabbing his heart with a soldering iron due to the gross feeling he gets. In other words, it is the same feeling Bears fans get every Sunday watching Cutler throwing interceptions.
Ted Bridgewater is the Runza sandwich. Again, for those unfamiliar, the Runza is a mixture of meat, cheese and cabbage wrapped in fresh dough that gets cooked in the oven (think Hot-Pockets only six billion times better). Sadly, Runza restaurants are only opened in Nebraska, so the rest of the world is unable to enjoy their greatness. This is kind of like Teddy Football; who people in Minnesota swear by, yet the National audience does not know his greatness because they have not been able to see it on a week to week basis just yet.
Sam Bradford is a Philly Cheese steak; because they always fall apart.[
Colin Keapernick is Mucho Potato Oles from Taco Johns; because on paper this is a meal that appears to have everything you want – meat, onions, melted cheese, salsa, lettuce, sour cream, guacamole, circle potatoes – yet it still always leaves you wanting something more. Just like Kaepernick; who has all the tools to be the next Randall Cunningham, but has yet to completely put it together.
Russell Wilson is Popeye’s Chicken; The Informer will let Little Nicky explain this one . . .
Nick Foles is a gas station hot dog; because some people (like The Informer) absolutely love gas station hot dogs even though they are one of the nastiest things on the face of Tebow's green Earth. Just like some people in the NFL like Nick Foles even though, well you get the idea.
Matt Ryan is a #9 from Jimmy Johns; because he is a good steady quarterback who sometimes borders on being elite. Just like the Jimmy Johns #9 (the Italian) is a good steady sandwich that sometimes borders on being in the same conversation as Blimpies.
Tony Romo is the brisket stuffed baked potato; the reason is because The Informer wants to tell the world about the brisket stuffed baked potato from a restaurant in the city of Houston called Rudy’s. This delicious meal consists of a baked potato the size of a human head that is stuffed with bbq brisket, butter, cheese and sour cream. It is quite possibly the greatest “non-Blimpies” food The Informer has ever eaten.
Carson Palmer is an oldie, but a goody, just like KFC.
RG3-13 is McDonald’s French fries; because even though everyone says they are the worst thing for you, people still can’t stop eating them. Kind of like how Washington knows RG3-13 is not their answer at QB, yet they keep throwing him out there to start.
Since Derek Carr plays in the Bay area, The Informer feels like this is the perfect time to use Hardees' Frisco Burger. This is also the perfect time to ask: Does Hardees still make the Frisco Burger? For that matter, does Hardees still exist?
Joe Flacco is Sushi; because when he is cooked properly he is great.
Eli Manning is a “cheesy” from Amigos . . . Plain and dull, but always delivers in the clutch.
Philip Rivers is a gunslinger, which means he needs to have a food that represents his “I don’t give a **** gunslinger attitude. That is why The Informer is giving Rivers the spicy chicken sandwich from Chick-Fil-A because it is a sandwich that gives absolutely zero *****.
Andy Dalton is Wendy’s Baconator; because if Wendy ever quite her job Mr. Dalton could easily become the new mascot.
Alex Smith is a plain hamburger from McDonalds; because he is boring.
Blake Bortles is a plain hamburger from Burger King; because, like Smith, he is boring, but not quite as good.
Cam Newton is a Dominos Bread bowl; because they have everything a fat person wants in fast food. Seriously, if you have not had one, stop reading this and go order one right now. They are phenomenal.
Geno Smith is a milk shake from Sonic; because he has a broken jaw and can probably only eat foods through a straw.
Matthew Stafford is the bacon, cheddar, ranch from Blimpies; because he has the potential to be the best thing ever, but just has not reached that level yet.
“Bills QB The Cannon” – Every single Bills QB for the rest of The Informer's life will be known as “The Cannon”. That is a fact. And every single one of them should be compared to a Taco Bell soft taco; because they are cheap, and you are not really sure if they are a real food.
Ben Roethlisberger is the Big Mac of fast food QBs; because he can be controversial (just like when that guy left out the McDonalds for 4 years and nothing changed because there are so many chemicals on it), but at the end of the day if you are looking for one of the best meals for your buck --you can’t go wrong with the Big Mac.
Mr. John Football is a Hooter’s chicken wing; because just like eating at Hooters, the atmosphere and eye candy (aka the Manziel drama and swagger) are always entertaining, but the actual product on the field, or the wings themselves, always leave you dissatisfied.
Drew Brees is Chinese chicken fried rice; because like the meal, he is one of the best ever.
Ryan Tannehill, aka “RT1”, is the Chipotle steak burrito. Sure, he is relatively new to the world, but just like a stacked burrito from Chipotle; he contains all the ingredients (skills) to one day take over the NFL.
Tom Brady is the Casey’s taco pizza; because whenever The Informer decides to “cheat” on his diet it is always with a piece of Casey’s taco pizza (You see what The Informer did there?)
Tim Tebow is most definitely one of those “Wafers” that Churches use for communion. Obviously, this is because of the fact that Tebow and Jesus share a father.
Peyton Manning is the Blimpie Best on wheat bread; because he is still one of the greatest ever, but not quite on the level of the next two sandwiches, err quarterbacks.
Aaron Rodgers is obviously the Blimpie Best on white bread; because he is the best.
And of course, Andrew Luck would be the Blimpie Best on white bread with bacon and extra mayo; because he is the only thing better than the best.
Q: How come in sports when the tenth place team beats the first ranked team they don't become number one?
-- Jim, St. Louis
Using logic in sports? That seems a little far-fetched. Besides, if we gave up the ability to pick and choose the best teams while completely ignoring things like head to head matchups: How would the National Media get to rank all the SEC teams in the Top 10 each and every week?
Q: Will the Eagles ever win a Championship under Chip Kelly?
-- Aaron, Omaha, Nebraska
Aaron in Omaha, please don’t ever forgot that all things are possible if you BOLIEVE in Timothy H. Tebow.
Q: Did you see Tiger was playing good golf again this weekend? Who do you think he started having carnal relations with this time to help him play better golf?
-- Quentin, Iowa
Whichever Denny’s waitress he found, I hope he keeps her and then starts cheating on her with an IHOP waitress; because The Informer is sick and tired of Tiger not being Tiger anymore.
Q: What should my expectations be for the 49ers this season? After losing one of the best coaches in the NFL -- and a guy who led them to three of the last four NFC Title game -- and losing half their team to "Barry Sanders" like early retirement: Is there any reason for me to think this will not be a rebuilding year? Should I just forgo the season and start watching Premier League soccer?
-- Stortenbecker, Treynor, IA
The best thing you have going for you right now is the fact that the 49ers are starting to look like the “nobody believes in us” team of 2015.
Seriously, have you read one article, or listened to one podcast, where someone actually picked the 49ers to be better than below average? Sure, San Fran lost a ton of talent, but they still have a quality roster, a defense that should be better than most, and they have made three of the last four NFC Title Games.
With that said, the losses are not good. Especially losing one of the best coaches in the NFL. But there is some sliver of hope.
You can hope that Seattle takes a step back thanks to the Super Bowl hangover (doubtful, but you never know); and for the Rams to trade for a mediocre unproven quarterback while also drafting a running back who can't play because of a torn ACL; and finally you have to hope the Cardinals lose some of the Bruce Airians' magic they had all of last season (could happen).
If all of that happens, then that at least leaves the chance San Fran could be atop of the AFC West when the 2015 NFL Season ends.
Q: Are the San Antonio Spurs the best NBA dynasty of the past 30 years?
-- Brad, Des Moines, Iowa
So our choices are the 1980s Celtics, 80s Lakers, 90s Bulls, 00 Lakers and the Spurs?
Man, it is pretty hard to argue with the 18-year stretch the San Antonio Spurs have just completed, but at gun point The Informer is going with the 90s Bulls because of Jordan and the fact that they won the most titles.
Q: How non-gangsta is it to have a Hollywood movie about your favorite rap group? Seriously though, are you going to see Straigth Outta Compton?
-- Eric, Elkton, Maryland
Is Randy Moss the greatest wide receiver to ever walk the Earth? Does Blimpies make the greatest sandwich in the history of bread? Is The Informer grossly overweight? Is Natty Light the Boxed wine of beers? Is Tim Tebow Jesus’ brother? Is Tupac the greatest rapper to ever live? Are the Patriots Cheaters? Is Vin Diesel the greatest American Actor alive today? Is Jason Statham the greatest non-American actor alive today? Do I love Adam Sandler movies? Should ARod win the 2015 AL MVP Award? Do the Seattle Seahawks love HGH?
In other words; HELL YES!!! The Informer is going to see Straight Outta Compton.
Honestly, The Informer has not been this excited to see a movie since the end of Fast Six when we found out Statham was going to be thehero bad guy in Fast Seven.
Q: Admit it Informer, the 2001 Miami Hurricanes are the greatest college football team of all-time. Yes I said it. They are better than the 1995 Huskers hands down. In the words of Matt Damon from that one movie, "How do you like dem apples?"
-- BA, Ames, IowaThe Informer bet the Bears under eight wins this season. So for this year the answer is hopefully no. With that said; do not sleep on John Foxx as the Bears new head coach. Remember, this is a guy who took Jake Delhomme to a Super Bowl and won a playoff game with Tim Tebow as his quarterback.
Q: Hey Informer, did you see that your Huskers PA announcer got arrested for bilking old ladies out of their hard earned money? That's shady stuff, dude.
-- Pat, California
Does bilking mean having sex with? Was this dude actually prostituting himself out to old ladies? Gross.
Q: Will Ryan Fitzpatrick still somehow be starting for a team in the year 2025? Seriously, how does this guy keep getting work?
-- Joey, Chicago
Ladies and gentlemen, you’re 2025 Cleveland Browns.
Q: On baseball fields they have foul lines & foul poles. Why aren't they called fair lines and fair poles?
-- Jim, St. Louis
"Freakin Obama."
Q: Have you watched You're the Worst on FX yet? That is some underatted TV right there.
-- @thepatjanssen
Criminal Minds, House Hunters, Flip or Flop, Flip or Flop Follow Up, Flipping Vegas, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Monday Night Raw, Suits, Graceland, Girl Meets World, Dukes of Hazzard re-runs, live Sports, NBC's The Blacklist, Catch A Contractor, Blue Bloods, Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll, Dora the Explorer, CSI Cyber, Saturday Night Live, Aquarius, Last Comic Standing, Gotham, Mr. Robot, Scooby-Doo, Jesse Stone, Scream, Sheriff Callie's Wild West, Beating Bobby Flay and Guy's Grocery Games are currently the shows The Informer is watching.
So no, due to lack of time from scheduling conflicts, The Informer does not watch You're the Worst.
Q: Informer can you compare NFL quarterbacks to different fast foods? Like since we all know about your obsession with Blimpies, that would make Aaron Rodgers the Blimpie Best of QBs. You can go from there.
-- Zach Libby, The Michigan State University
Now that is an awesome question. And of course The Informer can do that.
Ryan Mallet/Brian Hoyer is a Sbarro’s pizza; because, well, Sbarro’s pizza is not very good and neither is Ryan Mallet/Brian Hoyer.
Marcus Mariota is the chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell; because just like Mariota’s rookie of the year chances (sneaky good), one of The Informer’s sneaky favorite fast food meals is the Taco Bell chicken quesadilla.
Jameis Winston is the Ultimate Triple Whopper from Burger King. For those unfamiliar, this is a sandwich that contains three all beef patties, eight pieces of bacon and four pieces of cheese. It is literally the biggest, greatest and one of the most disgusting things on the face of the Earth. But damn it is good. And say what you want about Famous Jameis and his disgusting off the field issues, he is damn good when it comes to on the field performance.
Jay Cutler is any Subway sandwich; because whenever The Informer is forced to eat Subway (sometimes there is no Blimpies available when a sandwich is needed) he feels like stabbing his heart with a soldering iron due to the gross feeling he gets. In other words, it is the same feeling Bears fans get every Sunday watching Cutler throwing interceptions.
Ted Bridgewater is the Runza sandwich. Again, for those unfamiliar, the Runza is a mixture of meat, cheese and cabbage wrapped in fresh dough that gets cooked in the oven (think Hot-Pockets only six billion times better). Sadly, Runza restaurants are only opened in Nebraska, so the rest of the world is unable to enjoy their greatness. This is kind of like Teddy Football; who people in Minnesota swear by, yet the National audience does not know his greatness because they have not been able to see it on a week to week basis just yet.
Sam Bradford is a Philly Cheese steak; because they always fall apart.[
Colin Keapernick is Mucho Potato Oles from Taco Johns; because on paper this is a meal that appears to have everything you want – meat, onions, melted cheese, salsa, lettuce, sour cream, guacamole, circle potatoes – yet it still always leaves you wanting something more. Just like Kaepernick; who has all the tools to be the next Randall Cunningham, but has yet to completely put it together.
Russell Wilson is Popeye’s Chicken; The Informer will let Little Nicky explain this one . . .
Nick Foles is a gas station hot dog; because some people (like The Informer) absolutely love gas station hot dogs even though they are one of the nastiest things on the face of Tebow's green Earth. Just like some people in the NFL like Nick Foles even though, well you get the idea.
Matt Ryan is a #9 from Jimmy Johns; because he is a good steady quarterback who sometimes borders on being elite. Just like the Jimmy Johns #9 (the Italian) is a good steady sandwich that sometimes borders on being in the same conversation as Blimpies.
Tony Romo is the brisket stuffed baked potato; the reason is because The Informer wants to tell the world about the brisket stuffed baked potato from a restaurant in the city of Houston called Rudy’s. This delicious meal consists of a baked potato the size of a human head that is stuffed with bbq brisket, butter, cheese and sour cream. It is quite possibly the greatest “non-Blimpies” food The Informer has ever eaten.
Carson Palmer is an oldie, but a goody, just like KFC.
RG3-13 is McDonald’s French fries; because even though everyone says they are the worst thing for you, people still can’t stop eating them. Kind of like how Washington knows RG3-13 is not their answer at QB, yet they keep throwing him out there to start.
Since Derek Carr plays in the Bay area, The Informer feels like this is the perfect time to use Hardees' Frisco Burger. This is also the perfect time to ask: Does Hardees still make the Frisco Burger? For that matter, does Hardees still exist?
Joe Flacco is Sushi; because when he is cooked properly he is great.
Eli Manning is a “cheesy” from Amigos . . . Plain and dull, but always delivers in the clutch.
Philip Rivers is a gunslinger, which means he needs to have a food that represents his “I don’t give a **** gunslinger attitude. That is why The Informer is giving Rivers the spicy chicken sandwich from Chick-Fil-A because it is a sandwich that gives absolutely zero *****.
Andy Dalton is Wendy’s Baconator; because if Wendy ever quite her job Mr. Dalton could easily become the new mascot.
Alex Smith is a plain hamburger from McDonalds; because he is boring.
Blake Bortles is a plain hamburger from Burger King; because, like Smith, he is boring, but not quite as good.
Cam Newton is a Dominos Bread bowl; because they have everything a fat person wants in fast food. Seriously, if you have not had one, stop reading this and go order one right now. They are phenomenal.
Geno Smith is a milk shake from Sonic; because he has a broken jaw and can probably only eat foods through a straw.
Matthew Stafford is the bacon, cheddar, ranch from Blimpies; because he has the potential to be the best thing ever, but just has not reached that level yet.
“Bills QB The Cannon” – Every single Bills QB for the rest of The Informer's life will be known as “The Cannon”. That is a fact. And every single one of them should be compared to a Taco Bell soft taco; because they are cheap, and you are not really sure if they are a real food.
Ben Roethlisberger is the Big Mac of fast food QBs; because he can be controversial (just like when that guy left out the McDonalds for 4 years and nothing changed because there are so many chemicals on it), but at the end of the day if you are looking for one of the best meals for your buck --you can’t go wrong with the Big Mac.
Mr. John Football is a Hooter’s chicken wing; because just like eating at Hooters, the atmosphere and eye candy (aka the Manziel drama and swagger) are always entertaining, but the actual product on the field, or the wings themselves, always leave you dissatisfied.
Drew Brees is Chinese chicken fried rice; because like the meal, he is one of the best ever.
Ryan Tannehill, aka “RT1”, is the Chipotle steak burrito. Sure, he is relatively new to the world, but just like a stacked burrito from Chipotle; he contains all the ingredients (skills) to one day take over the NFL.
Tom Brady is the Casey’s taco pizza; because whenever The Informer decides to “cheat” on his diet it is always with a piece of Casey’s taco pizza (You see what The Informer did there?)
Tim Tebow is most definitely one of those “Wafers” that Churches use for communion. Obviously, this is because of the fact that Tebow and Jesus share a father.
Peyton Manning is the Blimpie Best on wheat bread; because he is still one of the greatest ever, but not quite on the level of the next two sandwiches, err quarterbacks.
Aaron Rodgers is obviously the Blimpie Best on white bread; because he is the best.
And of course, Andrew Luck would be the Blimpie Best on white bread with bacon and extra mayo; because he is the only thing better than the best.
Q: How come in sports when the tenth place team beats the first ranked team they don't become number one?
-- Jim, St. Louis
Using logic in sports? That seems a little far-fetched. Besides, if we gave up the ability to pick and choose the best teams while completely ignoring things like head to head matchups: How would the National Media get to rank all the SEC teams in the Top 10 each and every week?
Q: Will the Eagles ever win a Championship under Chip Kelly?
-- Aaron, Omaha, Nebraska
Aaron in Omaha, please don’t ever forgot that all things are possible if you BOLIEVE in Timothy H. Tebow.
Q: Did you see Tiger was playing good golf again this weekend? Who do you think he started having carnal relations with this time to help him play better golf?
-- Quentin, Iowa
Whichever Denny’s waitress he found, I hope he keeps her and then starts cheating on her with an IHOP waitress; because The Informer is sick and tired of Tiger not being Tiger anymore.
Q: What should my expectations be for the 49ers this season? After losing one of the best coaches in the NFL -- and a guy who led them to three of the last four NFC Title game -- and losing half their team to "Barry Sanders" like early retirement: Is there any reason for me to think this will not be a rebuilding year? Should I just forgo the season and start watching Premier League soccer?
-- Stortenbecker, Treynor, IA
The best thing you have going for you right now is the fact that the 49ers are starting to look like the “nobody believes in us” team of 2015.
Seriously, have you read one article, or listened to one podcast, where someone actually picked the 49ers to be better than below average? Sure, San Fran lost a ton of talent, but they still have a quality roster, a defense that should be better than most, and they have made three of the last four NFC Title Games.
With that said, the losses are not good. Especially losing one of the best coaches in the NFL. But there is some sliver of hope.
You can hope that Seattle takes a step back thanks to the Super Bowl hangover (doubtful, but you never know); and for the Rams to trade for a mediocre unproven quarterback while also drafting a running back who can't play because of a torn ACL; and finally you have to hope the Cardinals lose some of the Bruce Airians' magic they had all of last season (could happen).
If all of that happens, then that at least leaves the chance San Fran could be atop of the AFC West when the 2015 NFL Season ends.
Q: Are the San Antonio Spurs the best NBA dynasty of the past 30 years?
-- Brad, Des Moines, Iowa
So our choices are the 1980s Celtics, 80s Lakers, 90s Bulls, 00 Lakers and the Spurs?
Man, it is pretty hard to argue with the 18-year stretch the San Antonio Spurs have just completed, but at gun point The Informer is going with the 90s Bulls because of Jordan and the fact that they won the most titles.
Q: How non-gangsta is it to have a Hollywood movie about your favorite rap group? Seriously though, are you going to see Straigth Outta Compton?
-- Eric, Elkton, Maryland
Is Randy Moss the greatest wide receiver to ever walk the Earth? Does Blimpies make the greatest sandwich in the history of bread? Is The Informer grossly overweight? Is Natty Light the Boxed wine of beers? Is Tim Tebow Jesus’ brother? Is Tupac the greatest rapper to ever live? Are the Patriots Cheaters? Is Vin Diesel the greatest American Actor alive today? Is Jason Statham the greatest non-American actor alive today? Do I love Adam Sandler movies? Should ARod win the 2015 AL MVP Award? Do the Seattle Seahawks love HGH?
In other words; HELL YES!!! The Informer is going to see Straight Outta Compton.
Honestly, The Informer has not been this excited to see a movie since the end of Fast Six when we found out Statham was going to be the
Q: Admit it Informer, the 2001 Miami Hurricanes are the greatest college football team of all-time. Yes I said it. They are better than the 1995 Huskers hands down. In the words of Matt Damon from that one movie, "How do you like dem apples?"
Oh man, this seems like it needs to be its own article. Is that okay if we put this question on the shelf for a week so The Informer can do some research?
Oh . . . And all of the people at ESPN reading this right now (you know who you are), please don’t steal my idea. Just give me seven days and The Informer will have the proper answer to this question. Thanks.
Q: How long will it be before Chip Kelly is singing this song at a karaoke bar while wearing a Hawaiian shirt and smoking Misty 100s?Oh . . . And all of the people at ESPN reading this right now (you know who you are), please don’t steal my idea. Just give me seven days and The Informer will have the proper answer to this question. Thanks.
-- @LeaveIt2Divac
The Informer would pay to watch a drunk Chip Kelly singing this song.
-- Craig, Columbus, Nebraska
Considering the Huskers will be facing Ohio State for the Big 10 Title and the chance to play in the 2015 NCAA Playoffs; The Informer would have to say Ohio State.
Q: Informer, every time I go out and drink I am hung over for the next two days. It sucks. What is the reason to actually keep doing this to myself? Seriously, why would I ever want to get drink again?
-- James, IowaQ: Informer, every time I go out and drink I am hung over for the next two days. It sucks. What is the reason to actually keep doing this to myself? Seriously, why would I ever want to get drink again?
You know James in Iowa, if you would just wake up the very next morning and start hitting the sauce again you would never feel sick. It is called hair of the dog. Just stay “sorority girl wasted” at all times and you will never have to ask this question again.
Q: How do songs like Silento's Watch Me, end up as hits? Is it our fault as a society that we keep letting talentless people succeed?
-- @thomasmoore27The Informer is probably the wrong person to ask considering this is currently his favorite song . . .
And this was his favorite song before that . . .
And of course, never forget about this . . .
-- Andrew, Iowa City, Iowa
Andrew you were right to come to The Informer for help in this matter. If there is one thing The Informer knows, it is chick flicks. So here goes . . .
10. The Proposal
A chick flick can never go wrong with Ryan Reynolds or Sandra Bullock staring in it. Never forget that.
9. She’s All ThatFreddie Prince Jr. as a high school jock who is trying to turn the unpopular girl into home coming queen? Where does The Informer sign up?
8. Just Friends
Again, you had The Informer at “Ryan Reynolds in a chick flick.”
7. Legally Blonde
Legally Blonde is actually one of The Informer’s favorite movies ever. That is not a lie. I literally watch it once a week #YouDon’
6. 10 Things I Hate About You
Remember that guy who played the Joker in the second Batman and then died before the movie came out? Well, in 10 Things I Hate About You he plays an Australian high school student who gets paid to take out the loser chick, but then falls in love with said loser chick and has to prove that it is not a part of the bet. Oh yes . . . It is as good as it sounds.
Plus, to make it even better, they play a Notorious Big song while a drunk Julia Stiles dances on a table.
5. Guess Who
Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac in a chick flick? Sold.
4. Sweet Home Alabama
Reese Witherspoon is the perfect actress you want leading your chick flicks. Also, just like Legally Blonde, this is one of The Informer’s all-time favorite movies.
3. Hitch
Come on, it has Will Smith in it. Of course it is worth the watch.
2. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Matthew McConaughey doing Matthew McConaughey things? Does The Informer really need to say any more?1. Armageddon
This is not so much a chick flick, as it is a documentary, but at the end of the day if you and your significant other are not crying into each other’s arms while Harry Stamper is saving the world and saying goodbye to Gracey; then there is nothing The Informer can do to help because obviously neither of you have souls.
Q: Informer please tell me you are going to find a more creative way to end this mailbag than having someone ask a perverted sex question to which you copy Bill Simmons and say “Yup these are my readers.” You are so predictable. It is no wonder that you are a pathetic loser. Face it, you will never make it. And no one famous is ever going to know your name. YOU SUCK!!!
John, Bellevue, Nebraska
Oh yea . . . No one famous will ever know The Informer’s name? Well, why don’t we just ask someone famous then? Hey Farva, what do you think about The Informer?
