Q: Hey Informer have you noticed that every NBA team is now pairing up stars like they are preparing for a real life NBA Jam tournament? We have KD-Kyrie, LeBron-AD, Kawhi-George and now Russ-Harden. So I guess my question is this: Which of these new formed super-duos would actually win a real life NBA Jam tournament?
Before I can answer this absolutely amazing question, I need to ask one of my own: Are we talking about a tournament using the original NBA Jam rules, or one where we use NBA Jam T.E. (Tournament Edition) rules?
This is important because using the original rules means that we only need two players for each team (giving advantage to a team like "The LeBron's" who only have two players to choose from anyways). But if we are using T.E. rules then that means we can use three players (giving a possible edge to deeper teams like Utah & Boston).
Now, since this is very time sensitive (The Informer can't be the only person who thought of this NBA Jam tournament idea for a blog post) and there is no one else around to clarify the rules: I have decided to make an executive decision that this blog we will be using the original NBA Jam rules.
Two players per team.
No questions asked.
Winner takes all.
So with that in mind, here are The Informer's definite "Who would win a real life 2019 NBA Jam Tournament " Power Rankings.
REJECTED: Teams 30-25
Pick an order.
Magic - "Bo Mamba #5" & "Dr. Jonathan Issac Yankam D.D.S."
Hornetts - I honestly don't know two players on their team. Is Kendall Gill still around? Bulls - Lauri "Markkanen Correction" & Zach "The Vine" Grizzlies - Ja "Rule" Morant & "Triple J" Jaren Jackson Jr Knicks -Yikes. Cavs - Hella Yikes!!!
Remember in NBA Jam when you would play their version "season mode" it always started out with you playing against the worst teams and then the more you won the harder teams started showing up?
Well, if this were real life season mode -- which it is -- the Cavs, Knicks, Hornets, Magic, Bulls and Grizzlies would absolutely be your first six games.
RAZZLE-DAZZLE: Teams 24-20
24. Suns - Devan Booker & DeAndre Ayton
23. Hawks - Trae Young & John Collins 22. Kings - Buddy Heild & Marvin Bagley 21. Mavs - Luka & Porzingis 20. Pelicans - Zion & Jrue Holiday
Two thoughts here:
1) I agonized for at least seven seconds over who should be the Kings Top 2. I literally could not decide if the proper move was to go Heild-Fox, Fox-Bagley or Heild-Bagley. In the end, after some very intense soul searching, I realized the seven people reading this blog could care less about the Kings; so I decided to go with Heild-Bagley because they are my two favorite Sacramento players.
2) This is the "Razzle-Dazzle" group because while ranked low all five of these teams would be entertaining as heck in a real life NBA Jam tournament. But alas, unless Zion really is the second coming of Michael LeBron Bryant -- I am not ruling this out -- I don't think any of these teams would actually win said tournament.
UGLY SHOT: TEAMS 19-18
19.Pacers - Victor Olandipo & Myles Turner 18. Heat - Jimmy Butler & Justise Winslow
Nothing personal, but goodbye Pacers and Heat. Y’all ain’t winning.
I put the Timberpuppies this high because Karl Anthony Townes is that good. But they ultimately are not winning without a second star.
Moving along: Am I nuts or would a Blake Griffin and Andre Drummond team be really tough to beat? I mean their lack of 3-point shooting would most likely be their down fall, but their "Monster Dunks" that broke all of the backboards would be worth the price of admission.
As for the Wizards, I am planning this tournament under the notion that everyone is healthy (keep that in mind as we go on); which means a Wall-Beal tandem would be a tough out. But when it was all said and done I threw the Wizards in the middle of the pack because I don't remember what a healthy John Wall even looks like.
I have a lot of no regrets with my decision.
IS IT THE SHOES: Teams 14-13
14. Spurs - LaMarcus Aldridge & Demar DeRozan
13. Thunder - Chris Paul & Danilo Gallinari
If Duncan, Parker or Ginobili are not walking through that front door; then the Spurs are not winning this tournament.
If KD, Russ or Harden are not walking through that front door; then the Thunder are not winning this tournament.
HE JUST GOT HIS DEGREE FROM DUNKIN ON U: Teams 12-10
If you are Utah would you take Conley over the Stifle Tower? What about Joe Ingles? Wouldn't Ingles be a modern day Chris Mullen (Jam fans know what I am talking about)? I honestly think I could do a whole other blog about the Utah Jazz's real life NBA Jam team. Sadly, if I am writing a whole other blog trying to figure out who your Top 2 is for an NBA Jam tournament; that probably means you are a team that would have benefited more from NBA Jam T.E. Rules.
Also, anyone looking for an in depth Celtics breakdown, please re-read the Jazz blurb. You have many very very good players. But do you really have 2 great players that would win you an NBA Jam tournament? I don't think so.
Finally, I put the Raptors in the Top 12 because they are the defending NBA Champions and that has to count for something.
HEATING UP: Teams 9-2
9. Denver Nuggets: The Joker & Jamal Murray
No matter what you think about Nikola Jokic (I think he is great, but I do wonder if his talents would translate to NBA Jam) I don't think Jamal Murray is good enough to be on a NBA Jam team ranked any higher than ninth.
8. Portland Trailblazers: Dame Lillard & Steve Urkel
Hey Portland fans would you rather have Dame Lillard and CJ McCollum representing your team in this real life NBA Jam tournament? Or if you could: Would you use a time-machine to bring back the original team of Clyde Drexler and Terry Porter?
7. 76ers: Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid
I wonder if the "NBA Jam rule" where everyone can make three-pointers will apply to real life Ben Simmons? Because if that rule does applies then Philly might actually become my pick to win the entire damn thing.
6. Milwaukee Bucks: Giannis & Kris Middleton
Could you imagine putting Giannis in sixth place for a fictional 2 on 2 basketball tournament? I mean seriously, who the hell is guarding "The Freak of Greek" in a 2 on 2 game? I am starting to think the author of this blog is a moron.
5. Houston Rockets: Russ & Harden
Fictional NBA Jam tournament aside: Is anyone else really excited to see all of the media members who love Daryl Morey -- and thus have been "dogging' Russ ever since Russ won MVP over Harden -- completely flip flop their take and start talking about how great of a fit Westbrook is for the Rockets?
I for one can't wait.
4. Los Angeles Kawhi's: PG-13 & Leonard
I will not lie. I am not going to pick Kawhi to win my fictional tournament because he did not pick the Lakers for his real life team so now I hate him again.
3. Brooklyn Nets: KD & Kyrie
Remember we are basing this on the fact that everyone is 100% healthy. So that makes KD the undisputed best player in the world again. Sadly, I can't pick him to win this tournament because I think Kyrie is the worst player of anyone in the Top 5.
2. Golden State Warriors: Steph & Klay
Before you start saying things like "what about size" just remember that this is NBA Jam. Which means after three made shots Steph -- or Klay -- will be on fire and then their size won't matter. Because any real gamer knows that when you are on fire in NBA Jam that person can block/goaltend every shot not matter how tall, short or fat they are.
Speaking of being on fire . . .
HE'S ON FIRE: #1 Los Angeles LeBron's
With these current NBA rosters nobody is beating LeBron and AD in a real life NBA Jam tournament.
That does it for me sports fans. If you like what you read today then please note that on Saturday 7-13 I am going to start Twitter Poll Tournament asking this very question. So if you don't already do so, start following @therealinformer on Twitter so that you can partake in the festivities.
Here are 10 things I think I think after watching the Golden State Warriors 118-113 victory over the Cleveland Cavaliers in Game 3 of the 2017 NBA Finals. 10. First things first: I want to mention that I watched the entire Game 3 with no sound. So if some of these points were made on the broadcast I apologize. I did not hear them, I am not trying to steal them, and in no way shape or form would I ever use someone else's opinion about NBA basketball as my own (Unless doing such things meant I would get paid millions of dollars, but that is another story for another time). Okay, now that we are all on the same page that these are my thoughts and my thoughts alone --let's do this.
9. As a fan of the NBA -- and also someone who loves watching LeBron James do super human things on a basketball court -- I was very sad the LeBron's did not win Game 3 and make this an actual series. With that said; as someone who "max bet" the Warriors (-3.5) in Game 3, I am absolutely ecstatic right now that Kevin Durant cemented his new role as the best basketball player alive by hitting a game winning 3-pointer right between LeBron James' eyes. 8. My favorite part of any "Klay Thompson is on fire" game is the fact that I get to send out tweets like this as it happens:
It's been awhile since I was able to do this, but here is live actual footage of Klay Thompson walking into halftime #NBAFinalspic.twitter.com/9S6fjLXLgV
7. To answer the next question: Yes I send out this exact same tweet every single time Klay, or anybody playing basketball, gets heated up. And no I don't apologize for re-using the same tweet because it is hilarious each and every time.
6. I should probably make a bigger deal about the fact that the Cavs lost despite LeBron James putting up 39-11-9, and Kyrie Irving adding in a spectacular 38 points, and the refs giving them every single home-town-home-cooking call they could possibly give. But honestly, my biggest question from the Cavs Game 3 loss is this: Why did LeBron stop scoring points in the second half? Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that he makes the smart basketball play nearly 100% of the time. But man, every once in awhile the smart basketball play is for LeBron to score every time he touches the ball. Game 3 was one of the those times. LeBron realized this in the first half (27 points and on pace for his first career 50-point playoff game), but for some reason he forgot this in the second half. To me that is the biggest reason why the Cavs lost. 5. Since I am writing this "instant reaction" article before the regular "hot take" media wakes up, I figured I might as well share with you all five of the hottest "hot takes" you can expect to hear the "expert hot takers" give you on Thursday.
At least every single one of the "hot take" shows will ask this question: Would the Golden State Warriors beat the 1996 Chicago Bulls. Not to spoil the future, but one of the analyst is going to argue there is no way they could beat the Bulls, while the other analyst will argue they would definitely beat the Bulls.
LeBron James is a choke article who is scared of the fourth quarter (P.S. - If you subscribe to this theory you are a moron and need to delete your account).
Is this now Kevin Durant's team? (Here is a hint: The answer is no it is the Golden State Warriors team. That is why this group is so damn successful. Everyone plays for each other, not for "this is my team" status.)
If LeBron gets swept for the second time in the NBA Finals does that ruin his legacy? (Again, the answer is no.)
And finally, my personal favorite: Michael Jordan never would have been down 3-0 in an NBA Finals.
4. There is at least 10% of my brain that believes LeBron James purposely went down 3-0 just so he could come back from a 3-0 deficit to win the NBA Finals. 3. There is at least 90% of my brain that believes that is the most absurd thing I have ever said and that the 2017 Golden State Warriors are the greatest basketball team ever assembled that did not involve the words "Olympics" and "Dream Team".
2.Remember last article when I said that I thought Kevin Durant was the best "pure" scorer I have ever watched play? Well, when I said that, I was not saying he is the greatest scorer of all-time -- or that he is in some way a better scorer than Michael Jordan (Tebow forbid someone make an argument like that) -- what I was trying to say is that Kevin Durant can score 30-points easier than anyone I have ever seen play basketball. Hence the word "pure". And to prove my point; Durant went out and scored 30 points on 10-18 shooting. I mean seriously, it is absolutely remarkable the ease at which he scores buckets. That was the point I was trying to make when I said Kevin Durant is the best "pure" scorer in NBA history. And also, I was also totally trying to be a hot-taker who says things like "Kevin Durant is a better scorer than Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan combined" because it leads to tons of extra clicks.
1. And finally, I think I think that I need to end this article by simply saying: "KEVIN F****ING DURANT!!!" In the words of Mark Jackson: "Mama . . . There goes that man."
Here are 10 things I think I think after watching the Golden State Warriors 132-113 victory over the Cleveland Cavaliers in Game 2 of the 2017 NBA Finals.
10) I know this is the exact same hot take everyone in the world is going to have on Monday morning, but I am going to make it anyways: Cleveland can't beat the Golden State Warriors playing run & gun basketball. Sure, they can hang close for a half, or maybe even three quarters, but eventually Steph is going to Step, the Warriors are going to Warrior, and the Cavs are going to get run off the court like every other NBA team in 2017.
9) Did you all know that Kevin Durant joined Michael Jordan and Shaquille O'Neal as the only players in NBA history to score at least 25 points in each of their first seven NBA Finals starts? For those wondering how far KD needs to go to break the record; Shaq scored 25+ in each of his first 16 NBA Finals games, while Michael Jordan scored 25+ in each of his first 20 NBA Finals games. 8) Speaking of Durant's historically great scoring, I think it is time that I say this out loud: Kevin Durant is the best pure scorer in the history of the NBA. Now, I know everyone is going to say "but Jordan or Kobe" (and those are valid points), but my response to that argument would be that I have never seen anyone get buckets with the ease that Sniper Jones is able to get buckets. I mean the dude literally rolls out of bed and has 30. Its unreal. And it is awesome to watch. 7) Is there a funner (Is funner a word?) person to watch play basketball than Steph Curry? I assume this is what people who got to watch Pistol Pete Maravich must of felt like every single game. You know, watching a guy do stuff on the court with a basketball every single game that should not be humanly possible? 6) I am not sure what this has to do with anything, but I honestly think 1999-02 Shaquille O'Neal would average 50 points per game in the 2017 NBA Finals. 5) Here are five random things I think inside of my 10 things I think I think article:
I have a completely made up source who has confirmed that Chuck Norris has nightmares about playing a 3rd quarter against the Golden State Warriors.
As someone who loves all things JaVale McGee, I truly hope he yells "hows my ass taste Shaq" after every alley-oop dunk he gets during these NBA Finals?
Welcome to the NBA Finals Klay Thompson's jump shot. My bank account is glad to see you alive and well over 2.5 3-pointers made.
When is the "Super LeBron" who puts up 40-18-15 stat lines going to show up? Will it be Game 3? Game 4? Did "Super LeBron" retire after coming back from a 3-1 deficit in 2016? I honestly don't know the answer, but if the Cavs are going to have any kind of shot to win this series they need it to be sooner, rather than later.
And finally, after two games, who is the 2017 NBA Finals MVP: Steph Curry (who had a 30-11-10 triple double) or Kevin Durant (who had 33-13-6 with LeBron James guarding him)? Feel free to share your answer on my twitter page.
4) LeBron James' NBA Finals record is 16-25. Now I am not going to make the "MJ would never have lost 25 NBA Final games" argument, but I am going to say at some point being the greatest player in the world has to lead to some victories, right? 3) In Jack McCallum's must read book about the Barcelona "Dream Team", he has a story about Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan arguing over who the greatest player alive was. Now, at some point during the argument, Larry Bird came over to Magic and basically told him their time was past and that the best player in the world was the same guy who just beat Magic Johnson in then 1991 NBA Finals --Michael Jordan. Well, I am starting to think we are seeing history repeat itself in 2017. Because while LeBron has held that title for at least the past 7-10 years, I think we are seeing in these finals that the proverbial "best player alive" torch is being passed to Kevin Durant. 2) So, the Golden State Warriors are about to have 2 NBA championships, the regular season record for most wins in a season (73), the best record ever for an NBA postseason (15-1, or 16-0), and possibly the first ever "Fo-Fo-Fo-Four" in NBA Playoff History. In other words; it is definitely time to put them in the discussion as the greatest basketball team of all-time.
1) And finally, since this article has been full of hot takes; I am going to leave you all tonight with one of the most scorching hot takes of my entire life. Here goes . . . I think if the Cleveland Cavaliers do not win at least one of the next two games, they are not going to have a chance to win this series.
Since tonight -- April 13th, 2016 -- is going to be the last NBA basketball game Kobe "The Black Mamba" Bryant is ever going to play; The Informer thought now would be the perfect time to share with the world his Top 10 All-Time Kobe Bryant facts.
So without any further, let's talk about the Mamba.
10B. Also, just for the sake of being factually correct, the only other player in NBA history to have more 60 point games than the Mamba is Wilt Chamberlain; who had 32 such games.
10C. Finally, since we are being factually correct, it should be noted that during his 62-points in three quarters game, the Dallas Mavericks as a team scored 61 points. That is right, Kobe Bryant single handedly out scored an entire NBA team.
9. Kobe scored 50+ points on 24 different occasions. To put Kobe's scoring in perspective; that is more than Steph Curry, LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird combined.
8A. Kobe was the first player in NBA history with 30,000 points and 6,000 rebounds.
8B. It should also be noted that he is currently 3rd all-time on the NBA career scoring list behind only Karl Malone and Kareem Abdul Jabar.
8C. Oh and don't forget, his 81 points in a single game against the Toronto Raptors in January of 2006, is the most points scored by any NBA player not named Wilt in the history of basketball.
6. He was drafted by the Charlotte Hornets with the 13th overall pick, and was then traded to the Lakers for the one and only Vlade Divac.
5. Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself "The Black Mamba". I mean seriously: How awesome do you have to be to give yourself your own nickname and then have the rest of the world not only accept it, but love it?
2A. Kobe is one of only three players in NBA history to average at least 40 points per game for an entire month. In case you were wondering; he accomplished this feat four different times.
2B. Speaking of 40 point games: Did you know that Kobe scored at least 40 points against every single NBA team at least one time in his career?
And finally, The Informer's favorite Kobe fact of all-time is . . .
1. During the 2005-06 season Kobe joined Michael Jordan, Wilt and Rick Barry as the only players in NBA history to average at least 35 points per game for an entire season.
Honestly, there is no other way to say it other than: "Kobe Bryant is, was, and always will be 'The Mamba'.
As always, please keep in mind that all of these questions came from actual made up readers. Q: Dear Informer, what has been the most compelling moment of the 2017 NBA Playoffs thus far? Is it LeBron’s record setting come from behind victory? Joe Johnson’s game winner? Lance Stephenson? TNT trolling Shaq by interviewing JaVale McGee? Russell Westbrook’s 50 point triple-double and fourth quarter meltdown? Giannis An******? The “TNT Bulls”? Choose one Informer. As much as I loved TNT trolling Shaq with the JaVale McGee interview, Joe Johnson turning back the clock, the return of Lance, the “TNT Bulls” and Giannis A****** blossoming into a super-duper star right in front of our eyes; the answer has to be King James coming back from down 26 points while single-handedly killing Indiana as a team, a franchise, and an American city. Q: Speaking of King James, will you please spend a few moments slobbering all over LeBron for his incredible Game 3 performance. How about instead of slobbering, I just provide eight absolutely true facts that came about as a result of Game 3?
"LeBron King James" final stat line was 41-13-12. For LeBron, it was his 17 career playoff triple double; which is the second most in NBA history behind only Magic Johnson
"King James" has now scored the third most points in NBA Playoff history.
"King LeBron" has made the fourth most three pointers in NBA Playoff history.
"LeBron Emperor James" led the Cavs back from an NBA record 26 point deficit.
"The King of Cleveland" has now won 19 straight first round playoff games.
"King LeBron James" has never lost a first round playoff series.
The last team to beat “His Majesty” LeBron James at least one time in the first round was the Mike Bibby/Baron Davis led New York Knicks.
And finally, “The Ruler of Worlds” LeBron James now has the record for greatest comeback in a Finals series (down 3-1) and the greatest single game comeback in NBA playoff history (26 points).
Q: Informer what is the Blimpie Best Meme of the Week? I drank at least nine Natties while searching the internet for this week's Blimpie Best Meme of the Week, but eventually I came up with this . . .
Q: Hey Informer, which one of the first-round upsets is actually going to happen? Bulls over Celtics, Jazz over Clippers, Bucks over Raptors, or Thunder over Rockets? Sadly, because of the Rondo injury, I do not think the Bulls will complete the upset. Also, I still think the Clippers’ playoff experience is going to win out against Utah (even with the possible Blake injury). So my answer would be that I believe the Bucks and Thunder are both going to complete their upsets, while the Clippers and Celtics will eventually make the second round. #InRussWeTrust #ThunderUp #GreakFreak #ThonMakerIsMyFather Q: What is your favorite 2017 NBA Playoff conspiracy? You mean other than the fact that I think Thon Maker is my father? I guess I would have to say the one that makes the most sense to me is that LeBron purposely tanked the #1 seed to the Celtics because his friend D-Wade asked him to. You know, because Wade knew there was no chance the Bulls could beat LeBron, but there was at least a punchers chance of the experienced Bulls upsetting the young Celtics.
Q: Are you ready to proclaim LeBron James as the greatest of all-time? As I have always said when it comes to ranking LeBron’s all-time greatness, let’s let him finish his career first before we start crowning his ass. With that said; if LeBron retired tomorrow he would most definitely be in the conversation. Q: Was LeBron bringing the Cavs back from a 26-point deficit the greatest comeback in NBA Playoff history? Without doing any research, and going completely off my drunken memories, the greatest NBA Playoff comebacks I can remember are:
Q: Are you worried about Kevin Durant’s latest injury? Yes and no. Yes because you never like to see a guy coming off of a lower leg injury get hurt with another lower leg injury. No because he is going to come back fully healthy and still lead the Golden State Warriors to an NBA Championship. Q: Speaking of championships, let’s say KD can’t stay healthy and has to sit down for the rest of the playoffs: Do you still think the Golden State Warriors can win the NBA Championship? I think in that scenario Golden State would still be the favorites to win the Western Conference, but I do think a KD injury would open the door for the possibility that LeBron would be able to lead the Cavs past the Warriors in the Finals for the second straight year. Q: Okay then, let’s say Durant comes back Game 3 and stays healthy: Do you think Golden State could finish the NBA Playoffs 16-0? If any team in NBA history was ever going to finish the NBA Playoffs undefeated, it would be the 2017 Golden State Warriors. They are that damn good. Ultimately though, I would bet they go 14-2 or 15-1. I just can't see a scenario where "The King" gets swept in the NBA Finals. Q: Do you have any thoughts on the Wizards-Hawks? NO!!! Q: You know Informer I have seen you do some horrible things in your lifetime. For example; being an advocate for binge drinking Natty Lights, talking about X-rated pornos, objectifying the ladies of the night, neglecting your kids, being grossly overweight, claiming Nicolas Cage is the greatest American actor alive today; but never once did I think you would turn out to be a no good lying cheater. I mean honestly Informer, can you explain this tweet?
Dear Jersey Mike's, what is the record 4 Giant Sandwiches eaten in a single month? Would 21 set therecord? #MyCurrentPace#SoManySandwhiches
Ummmm . . . I am sorry, but this question has nothing to do with the NBA Playoffs; so unfortunately at this time I am unable to respond with a logical answer. Q: Seriously Informer, how could you cheat on Blimpies so openly and with absolutely no regard for their feelings? What kind of person are you? It is like one day you woke up and Blimpies never even existed? I am being for real this time Informer, you either make this right by explaining yourself, or else I am going to stab you right in the d**k with a soldering iron. Okay . . . Okay . . . There is no need to get so specifically violent . . . I'll answer the damn question. First of all, my twitter account was obviously hacked, meaning that tweet is “Fake News”. Secondly, the “Fake News” tweet was taken out of context. And finally, the only reason why I am eating sandwiches from Jersey Mike’s every single day is because I am an hour away from the closest Blimpies. So therefore, it is not cheating, it is out of necessity. Q: So what you are saying is that whenever your wife goes out of town it is okay to go to a hooker-house and buy a prostitute because of necessity? Come on now, you can’t compare the sanctity of marriage with buying a sandwich. That is asinine. Q: Okay Informer, if you don’t want to compare sandwiches to marriage that is fine, but how about you do us all a favor and answer this question: When the liquor store is out of Natty Light, what do you do? Do you stay true to the Natties and go to the next store, or do you buy Busch Light out of necessity? I mean I do what any rational human being who wants to get hammered wasted would do . . . I buy the Bush Lights and go on about my business. Q: O.M.G., YOU ARE A F*****G MONSTER INFORMER!!! How could you preach about the greatness of Blimpies and Natties for the past ten years and then just throw it all away on a whim to satisfy your so-called “necessities”? You make me sick. I hope you f***ing die of gonorrhea and rot in hell with Dan Marino. Seriously go f*** yourself you motherless mother f*****. And on that completely un-related to basketball note: How about we wrap up today’s NBA Playoff mailbag with one last gambling question? Q: Since Vegas just released the lines for Week 1 of the 2017 NFL Season, I thought that maybe you would want to give us your Week 1 picks right now. So how about it Informer? Are you ready to predict the future? Sounds like the perfect way to end an all-NBA Playoffs mailbag. So with that in mind, here are The Informer’s way to early Week 1 of the 2017 NFL Season picks: Pats (-7) over Chiefs Jets (+6.5) at Buffalo Falcons (-5.5) at Chicago Texans (-4.5) over Jacksonville Eagles (+2.5) at Washington Titans (PK) over Raiders Tampa Bay (+2) at Dolphins Steelers (+9.5) at Cleveland Bengals (-1) over Ravens Colts (-3.5) at Rams Packers (-2.5) over Seattle Panthers (-4 ) at 49ers Giants (+6) at Cowboys Saints (+4) at Vikings Broncos (-3.5) over Chargers #TheInformerOut
Raise both your hands if you are the 2017 NBA MVP.
As always, please keep in mind that all of these questions came from actual made up readers. Q: Hey Informer did you retire from writing? I mean you have not published an article in over a month. So what gives man? Did you finally realize it is pointless for you to put out articles because there is not a single person in the world who gives a sh*t about your opinion? Or, are you just a lazy, fat, alcoholic who has been slacking on his duties? Honestly, I think it is probably a combination of the two. But hey, since we are here, how about The Informer breaks out an All-NBA Mailbag for his readers? Would that make up for a month’s long absence? Q: Okay Informer if you want to make it up to us, how about you answer the most important question of 2017 right of off the bat: Who is the 2017 NBA MVP? Russell Westbrook is the 2017 NBA MVP. The reasoning is simple; you don’t become the second player in NBA history to average a triple-double for the entire season while leading your team to the playoffs without Kevin Durant and not win the NBA MVP Award. That would be asinine. Q: But Informer, what about the fact that the Thunder only won 46 games? That has to matter right? I mean no MVP in the last 30 years has won the award on a team that has won less than 50 games. Sure, no one in the past 30 years has won the MVP while also playing for a team that won less than 50 games, but you know what else has not happened in the past 30 years? A f**king dude posting 42 triple-doubles while averaging a triple-double for an entire season. Q: Come on Informer all the advanced stats show that James Harden had a more impressive year and his team won more games; therefore he is the MVP. Why can’t you just admit you are an overweight alcoholic who is wrong about the 2017 NBA MVP. Did James Harden lead the league in scoring, finish in the Top 10 in rebounding while also averaging double digit assists and scoring 30 points a night? Did James Harden become the only player in NBA history to score at least 57 points while also posting a triple-double? Did James Harden become the first player in NBA history to record 42 triple-doubles in a season? If the answer is no to any of these questions; than that means he is not the MVP because there is a guy in the NBA who did in fact do all those things. Q: Wins have to count for something Informer, and the fact is James Harden’s team had more wins than Russell Westbrook’s. So your “triple-double argument” is a mute point you moron. Again, no one is saying Russ was not spectacular this season, what we are saying is his numbers don’t mean as much because his team only won 46 games. Sorry bud, but your boyfriend is going to lose. So based on that argument, what you are really saying is that either Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green, Kevin Durant or Zaza Pachulia should win the 2017 NBA MVP. You know, because they were starters on a team that won 66 games? Honestly, I’m actually okay with that. From now on no one can be the NBA MVP unless their team has the most wins. Stats, game winning shots, advanced metrics, hot takes; none of that matters anymore. The best player on the team with the most wins always gets the MVP no questions asked. Q: Zaza Pachulia as the MVP? Now you are just being petty and ridiculous Informer. I mean seriously, why can’t you admit that James Harden’s historically great season produced more wins than Russ’s historically great season and that is why he is the MVP? As I just said, if the number one argument you have contains the words “more wins”, than you have no choice but to pick someone from the Warriors to be your MVP. Just saying, you can’t sit here and argue that Harden should be the MVP over Russ -- with lesser stats -- because his team has more wins without saying Curry should be MVP over Harder -- with lesser stats -- because the Warriors have more wins than the Rockets. Q: Fine Informer, you are correct. Russell Westbrook should be the unanimous MVP. I sincerely apologize for doubting you. Please forgive me. Also just in case you were wondering, I am totally lying. I am not going to ever agree with you, because you are nothing but a fat drunk sack of human waste who probably didn’t even watch the Rockets play one basketball game this year so you have no clue how valuable James Harden was. That is where you are wrong sir. I clearly remember watching at least three James Harden games this year where his team lost to the Golden State Warriors. Q: I hate you Informer. I know, but your feelings toward me have nothing to do with the fact that Russell Westbrook is hands down the 2017 NBA MVP. Q: Hey Informer can we please stop talking about regular season awards and start focusing on the fact that the best two months of the years are about to begin? With that in mind, what is your favorite first round playoff match-up? Well, obviously I can’t wait to watch Russ destroy James Harden in the Western Conference. So that would be number one on my list. And as far as the Eastern Conference goes, I am excited to see if Giannis “The Greek Freak” Ant******* can be the best player in four of seven games and lead the Milwaukee Bucks to a first round upset over the Toronto Raptors. Now, with all that said, this is the NBA Playoffs, which means every game is going to be freaking awesome (excluding any games involving Dwight Howard of course). Q: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much slobbering over LeBron James are we going to have to read about from you in these playoffs? I would say it is at least going to be an 8 out of 10. But that could change if/when Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry and Russell Westbrook get eliminated. But make no mistake about it, I will be paying homage and speaking the praises of King James every chance I get.
(P.S. - For those wondering, my NBA Playoff rooting order goes: Durant, Russ, Steph & then LeBron. Also, it should be noted that coming in dead last for umpteenth time is Dwight Howard.) Q: Do you have any Playoff bets for the degenerates out there who are reading this? I sure do, but before I give them away I feel I should explain to anyone reading that these picks are to be used for recreational purposes only. In no way shape or form does The Informer condone the practice of illegal gambling with websites like Sportsbook.ag, Bodog.eu, or any other online website that lets you place illegal wagers. Okay, now that we have the disclaimer in place, here are a five prop bets I would be putting money on if betting were legal and I hadn’t just bought my bookie a brand new lawn mower.
Warriors to win Championships (-220)
Spurs to win Championship (+900)
Wizards to win Eastern Conference (+1000)
Cavs to win Eastern Conference (-260)
Thunder over Rockets (+360)
Q: Speaking of predictions Informer, who is going to win every first round series and why? EASTERN CONFERENCE Cleveland vs Indiana: The Cavs will win this series because they have LeBron James. Milwaukee vs Toronto: The Raptors are probably going to win, but my gut feeling says the “Greek Freak” is going to be out of this world great pushing this series to seven games. Atlanta vs Washington: Washington wins because I hate Dwight Howard. Chicago vs Boston: I think the veteran Chicago Bulls squad will be able to win two, maybe even three games, but in the end the Celtics will avoid the upset and move on to round two for the first time since the “Big 3” era. WESTERN CONFERENCE Portland vs. Golden State: Warriors in five. Oklahoma City vs. Houston Rockets: I am taking OKC because Russell Westbrook is the 2017 NBA MVP. Utah Jazz vs. Los Angeles Clippers: I got to go with the Clippers experience here. Memphis Grizzlies vs. San Antonio Spurs: As the old saying goes; death, taxes and the San Antonio Spurs making the second round of the NBA Playoffs. Q: Last question Informer: Who is going to win the NBA Finals? I have the Golden State Warriors beating the San Antonio Spurs in the Western Conference Finals and the Cleveland Cavaliers beating the Washington Wizards in the Eastern Conference Finals. Then in part three of the Warriors vs LeBron trilogy; I have the 2017 NBA Finals MVP Kevin Durant leading the Golden State Warriors to a 4-1 series victory. Final Answer: The Golden State Warriors will be the 2017 NBA Champions.
Can anyone stop Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry and the 2017 Golden State Warriors?
The Informer: “The Lakers were down 10 points with about 2:16 seconds left in his last game ever and he scored 13 straight points and the Lakers won. It was awesome. Oh and he also finished the game with 60 points.”
Friend: “Bull f*****g shit!!!”
The Informer: “Seriously, I couldn’t make this up if I had to.”
That is the text exchange I had with a friend last night after watching Kobe Bean Bryant, playing in the final game of his illustrious 20 year career, score 60 points while willing the Los Angeles Lakers to a 101-96 victory over the Utah Jazz.
I am sharing this exchange for two reasons 1) Who in the hell was not watching Kobe last night? 2) The “bull f*****g shit” line is the perfect way to describe what took place last night in Los Angeles.
Kobe Bryant was ridiculous. He was amazing. He was larger than life. He was whatever word you can think of that basically means “bull f*****g shit there is no way that actually happened”.
Now, The Informer knows exactly what you are all thinking right now because I am thinking the same exact things: How does a 37-year old man score 60 points in his last NBA game (P.S – it was his sixth career 60 points game which is the second most in NBA history)? And how does a 37-year old man shoot the ball 50 times in a single game? Most importantly, how in the blue hell did the Lakers actually win a game when a 37-year old man shoots the ball 50 times?
The last question is what gets me the most about last night’s game. To quote Herm Edwards: “The Utah Jazz were playing to win the game.” They were not rolling over and letting Kobe Bryant do this. No, they were trying to win this game. They wanted to win this game. And for most of the night, they were on pace to win this game.
The only problem was, Kobe freaking Bryant gave absolutely zero f***s about the Utah Jazz’s desire to win.
Nope, in the end April 13th, 2016 was Kobe Bryant's night.
And by Gawd he was not going to let the Jazz, or ESPN (who moved his final game to ESPN 2), or the Golden State Warriors, or Father time take it away from him.
Hell, even when the Lakers were down 10 points late in the fourth quarter there was a sense that Kobe was going to do something magical. Then he scored his 50th point to make it a six point game on a shot that had The Informer reminiscing about 2006. Then he hit a pull up jumper from 15 ft. Then there was the fade-away three that had no business actually going in to pull the Lakers within one.
We were all witnessing Kobe having a nam-like flashback to his “Black Mamba” days and somehow the Lakers were within reach of actually winning this game.
And then the flashback became a reality.
Kobe drained a jumper from the top of the key to give the Lakers their first lead of the fourth quarter. He followed that up by making two more free throws to push his total to 60 and the Lakers lead to three. Finally, Kobe threw a perfect full court pass to Jordan Clarkson which ended with a dunk (making Kobe’s last NBA stat ever an assist #IsntThatIronic?) After that Byron Scott decided Kobe had done enough, so he substituted "White Mamba" Ryan Kelly into the game enabling Kobe the chance to walk off the court with just four seconds remaining in his career. Of course, this was done so the stunned/excited/joyous Staples' Center crowd could serenade our hero one last time with chants of "Kobe . . . Kobe . . . Kobe!!!"
And man was it awesome.
Honestly, it was a performance that The Informer will never forget.
And in the end, there really is only one word to describe what took place in Los Angeles on April 13, 2016: “KOBE!!!”
#ThankYouKobe #LegendsNeverDie #MambaOut
(The Informer after the blog note – In the spirit of never forgetting Kobe's great night, here are The Informer’s favorite tweets/reactions from last night’s Kobe game.)
Before we begin The Informer would like to give a big shout-out to everyone who took the time to send in questions. With out all of your contributions, this article would not have been able to happen. So thank you all from the bottom of The Informer's butter filled heart.
Okay, so now that we have the mushy stuff out of the way, everyone please crack open them Natties, and enjoy The Informer’s First Annual Bill Simmons-Style End of Summer Mailbag. Q: Will the Denver Broncos miss the playoffs this season? And where would you rank Peyton Manning all-time if his career ended today?
-- Kim, Denver, Colorado This is a perfect place to start, because for some reason the "National Media" has, for the fourth straight season, once again tried to start the "Peyton Manning is washed up" talk. The Informer is not lying. This is the fourth straight year where everyone is saying there is no way Manning can hold up, his arm strength is this and cold weather blah . . .blah . . . freaking blah.
Listening to the haters hate on Manning is really one of the most annoying parts of any upcoming season. Seriously people, the dude is great. Just accept it and move on. Stop trying to be the person who makes a bold prediction on Manning losing all his ability to play football, so on the 1-1 billionth (Is billionth a word?) chance it happens, you can have bragging rights later in the season (this is the same guy who will change his tone bye Week 5 and say he always knew Manning was capable of playing like an MVP).
You know what though? Let the haters hate. Because the people who actually watch Manning on a week to week basis, and don't just listen to the "National Media" make up storylines, know that once again this season the 5x NFL MVP Peyton Manning is going to play like a 5x NFL MVP.
Listen, The Informer is sorry he has to upset all the Manning haters, but history is history and Manning's history has proven year after year that the man with the most MVP awards ever is not going to win less than 11 games.
So no, the Broncos are not going to miss the playoffs. They will be a one or two seed in the AFC and then it will come down to whether or not Manning is healthy (remember last year he played the final month with a torn quad) as to how far they make it.
Q: Hey Informer, I hear that you are a great usher during people's weddings. So, because you are so good at ushering people in the right direction, I was wondering if you could tell me who is going to the NFL Championship games, who is going to be leading at the final buzzer of said NFL Championship games, and who will be sitting atop the NFL when it is all said and done? -- Justin, North Platte, Nebraska It is true about the usher thing. In fact, The Informer was an usher for his friend Justin’s wedding two weeks ago (total coincidence that a guy named Justin asked this question) and basically every person in the audience said The Informer was hands down the greatest usher in the history of weddings.
Unfortunately, despite all the accolades, it was later discovered that The Informer was using performance enhancers (Natty Lights) before the wedding and thus the “Usher Hall of Fame” has declared The Informer's performance ineligible to receive any kind of awards or recognition.
It is truly a tragic situation that The Informer feels horribly about. Honestly guys, The Informer thought he was drinking Adderall out of a can. The Informer had no idea it was actually Natty Light.
I swear to "Tebow".
But in the end, what goes into my body is my responsibility. So The Informer will take this punishment and learn from it. And hopefully one day you all can forgive me. Getting back to the sport's question: Broncos, Bengals, Patriots and Colts will be the final four in the AFC with the Colts beating the Broncos to reach the Super Bowl. On the other side the Packers, Eagles, Lions and Seahawks will be the final four in the NFC with the Packers beating Seattle to make the Super Bowl.
Then we will see Andrew Luck take down Aaron Rodgers in one of the greatest QB vs. QB battles the Super Bowl has ever witnessed.
Q: Dear lord, is this going to be another 5,000 word article where all you do is talk about how Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck give you a boner? Seriously Informer, how come you never write about good people; like the Miami Dolphins and Ryan Tannehill? P.S. - No one likes you and they think your are an ugly, overweight, jackass.
-- Vern, Iowa
Hey Vern in Iowa, it is spelled you’re ugly. Not your. Now, despite your very hurtful words, The Informer will gladly answer the question; because that is what The Informer does.
So, the reason The Informer is always writing about Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning, is because they are awesome. Trust me; once Ryan "RT1" Tannehill takes the next step and becomes this generations Tom Brady, The Informer promises he will write about him all the time to. (The Informer note - For those new to The Informer, the reason he is Ryan "RT1" Tannehill is because he is the first ever Ryan Tannehill. Kind of like Robert Griffin is the third Robert Griffin. I’m glad we got that all cleared up.)
Q: Which NFL draft class has had the most impact during your lifetime? 1989, 1993 or something more recent?
-- A.J., Iowa Answering strictly off of the top of my head, it is pretty hard to beat the 1997 NFL Draft. That was the year Peyton Manning, Charles Woodson, Ryan Leaf and Randy Moss all came into the league. Just saying, three of those guys are in the conversation as the best to ever play their position and the other guy gave us this Beats by Dre commercial . . .
Q: What inspired you to want to go into sports writing as a young man?
-- My Mother, Niobrara, Nebraska The main reason The Informer wanted to become a sports writer is because of "The Sports Guy" Bill Simmons. After The Informer first started reading Simmons in 2002, there was no doubt in my mind that one day I wanted to do what he was doing --i.e. make people laugh while they read my obscure sports takes.
P.S. - Thanks for the question mom.
Q: Did you like the ending to SummerSlam? Do you think this now means we will get Lesnar/Taker III at WrestleMania in Texas? -- @Sweetnesz13
If you would have asked me this question two weeks ago, The Informer would have groaned at the thought of watching Lesnar/Taker for the third time. But after Sunday night, all The Informer can say is "please let there be a rubber match at Mania."
Q: Is the Washington Nationals problem a lack of leadership by the face of their franchise Bryce Harper? And what do you think Matt Williams future as a manage is?
-- Caleb, Tennessee Remember a few years ago when the Nationals had the best team in baseball and decided instead of winning the World Series they were going to shut down their ace pitcher and hope for the best? Yea . . . That is what is wrong with this franchise. It has nothing to do with a 21-year olds leadership and everything to do with the karma “Tebow's” punishing upper management for making decisions that are not about winning baseball games.
As for the second question; The Informer has no idea who in the bluest of blue hells Matt Williams is. Is he the guy who used to play third base for the San Francisco Giants during the early 90s?
Q: What do the Portland Trailblazers have to do to be relevant again?
-- Brady, Oregon First and foremost they need to stop drafting broken down centers (Bowie, Oden) over once in a generation scorers (Michael, Durant). That would be a good start. The other thing they need to do is tank this season so they can get a high draft pick next year.
And yes, The Informer is going to advise every team in the West tank this season, that way Kobe can get back into the playoffs #LongLiveMamba.
Q: I'm a lifelong Vikings fan, but I have a fairly rigid anti-child abuse policy. So what the hell am I supposed to do now? -- Patrick, Auburn, Nebraska
Pat you are from Nebraska so I am assuming you are a Huskers fan. So my question to you is: Did you root for the 1995 Huskers? Just saying, there were some pretty shady characters on that team, yet we still love them and consider them to be the greatest human beings to ever walk the Earth.
Besides, doesn't everyone deserves a second chance to do the right thing? Don't get me wrong, what Peterson did was despicable and there is no place for that in our society. But the dude paid his punishment (legally and professionally), he has apologized, and now he deserves the second chance to prove he is a better person who will never make that mistake again.
As long as he does that, there is no reason for you not to root for the Vikings. Other than all of the losing of course. Q: Is it a violation to take your wife to a fantasy football draft? -- Brady, Oregon Let me guess Brady, your wife is also your best friend? I mean come on man . . . Unless she is in the league, it is most definitely a violation to take her to the draft. Here is the thing; you have every other day of the year to hang out with your wife. So don't let her tag along on the one day it is supposed to be about your friends and football. Q: Are you f****** kidding me? I am not your best friend? Have any of your so called "best friends" pushed a kid out of their body for you? You better sleep with one eye open ass clown. Also, why don't you tell the world how you were not even man enough to ask me to go to your draft? Instead you just did it on the computer while begging me to "be nice" to you. I agree with Vern, you are a f****** jackass. -- Mrs. Informer, Parts Unknown See what I am talking about Brady. My wife wouldn’t even let me leave the house and then she publicly shamed me about it while calling me an ass clown. Seriously, who does that? Honestly though, you want to know what is even worse than the public shaming and naming calling? The actual transcript from the night of my draft.
Here it is . . . Me: “Well damn, I had to overpay but at least I got Andrew Luck.”
My Wife: "Really you are going to drink another beer?" Me: "Do you think I should draft Carolos Hyde or Mike Evans?” My Wife: "Do you think I should stab you in your sleep or put rat poison in your Blimpie sandwich?"
Me: "Holy sh*t I got Julio Jones for $47. I can't remember the last time I was this freaking excited?"
My Wife: "I don't know, how about when we got married? Or when your f****** son was born two months ago?"
Me: “I love you (said with a Ron Burgundy upper inflection)?" My Wife: "I want a divorce." I’m telling you Brady, don’t get divorced at your fantasy draft. That is no fun for anyone involved. Instead get the wife a nice bottle of wine, rent Magic Mike Part Two, then sneak out the back door and enjoy the male bonding experience. Q: What is your favorite Jay Cutler meme? Personally, I like the one where he is playing Russian Roulette and its says, "I bet he misses". LOL, classic Jay Cutler.
-- Snaps, Iowa The Informer is pretty fond of this one . . .
Q: Speaking of Jay Cutler, will he ever lead the Bears to the playoffs again?
-- Snaps, Iowa The Informer bet the Bears under eight wins this season. So for this year the answer is hopefully no. With that said; do not sleep on John Foxx as the Bears new head coach. Remember, this is a guy who took Jake Delhomme to a Super Bowl and won a playoff game with Tim Tebow as his quarterback. Q: Hey Informer, did you see that your Huskers PA announcer got arrested for bilking old ladies out of their hard earned money? That's shady stuff, dude. -- Pat, California Does bilking mean having sex with? Was this dude actually prostituting himself out to old ladies? Gross. Q: Will Ryan Fitzpatrick still somehow be starting for a team in the year 2025? Seriously, how does this guy keep getting work? -- Joey, Chicago Ladies and gentlemen, you’re 2025 Cleveland Browns. Q: On baseball fields they have foul lines & foul poles. Why aren't they called fair lines and fair poles? -- Jim, St. Louis "Freakin Obama." Q: Have you watched You're the Worst on FX yet? That is some underatted TV right there. -- @thepatjanssen Criminal Minds, House Hunters, Flip or Flop, Flip or Flop Follow Up, Flipping Vegas, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Monday Night Raw, Suits, Graceland, Girl Meets World, Dukes of Hazzard re-runs, live Sports, NBC's The Blacklist, Catch A Contractor, Blue Bloods, Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll, Dora the Explorer, CSI Cyber, Saturday Night Live, Aquarius, Last Comic Standing, Gotham, Mr. Robot, Scooby-Doo, Jesse Stone, Scream, Sheriff Callie's Wild West, Beating Bobby Flay and Guy's Grocery Games are currently the shows The Informer is watching. So no, due to lack of time from scheduling conflicts, The Informer does not watch You're the Worst. Q: Informer can you compare NFL quarterbacks to different fast foods? Like since we all know about your obsession with Blimpies, that would make Aaron Rodgers the Blimpie Best of QBs. You can go from there. -- Zach Libby, The Michigan State University Now that is an awesome question. And of course The Informer can do that. Ryan Mallet/Brian Hoyer is a Sbarro’s pizza; because, well, Sbarro’s pizza is not very good and neither is Ryan Mallet/Brian Hoyer. Marcus Mariota is the chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell; because just like Mariota’s rookie of the year chances (sneaky good), one of The Informer’s sneaky favorite fast food meals is the Taco Bell chicken quesadilla. Jameis Winston is the Ultimate Triple Whopper from Burger King. For those unfamiliar, this is a sandwich that contains three all beef patties, eight pieces of bacon and four pieces of cheese. It is literally the biggest, greatest and one of the most disgusting things on the face of the Earth. But damn it is good. And say what you want about Famous Jameis and his disgusting off the field issues, he is damn good when it comes to on the field performance. Jay Cutler is any Subway sandwich; because whenever The Informer is forced to eat Subway (sometimes there is no Blimpies available when a sandwich is needed) he feels like stabbing his heart with a soldering iron due to the gross feeling he gets. In other words, it is the same feeling Bears fans get every Sunday watching Cutler throwing interceptions. Ted Bridgewater is the Runza sandwich. Again, for those unfamiliar, the Runza is a mixture of meat, cheese and cabbage wrapped in fresh dough that gets cooked in the oven (think Hot-Pockets only six billion times better). Sadly, Runza restaurants are only opened in Nebraska, so the rest of the world is unable to enjoy their greatness. This is kind of like Teddy Football; who people in Minnesota swear by, yet the National audience does not know his greatness because they have not been able to see it on a week to week basis just yet. Sam Bradford is a Philly Cheese steak; because they always fall apart.[
Colin Keapernick is Mucho Potato Oles from Taco Johns; because on paper this is a meal that appears to have everything you want – meat, onions, melted cheese, salsa, lettuce, sour cream, guacamole, circle potatoes – yet it still always leaves you wanting something more. Just like Kaepernick; who has all the tools to be the next Randall Cunningham, but has yet to completely put it together. Russell Wilson is Popeye’s Chicken; The Informer will let Little Nicky explain this one . . .
Nick Foles is a gas station hot dog; because some people (like The Informer) absolutely love gas station hot dogs even though they are one of the nastiest things on the face of Tebow's green Earth. Just like some people in the NFL like Nick Foles even though, well you get the idea. Matt Ryan is a #9 from Jimmy Johns; because he is a good steady quarterback who sometimes borders on being elite. Just like the Jimmy Johns #9 (the Italian) is a good steady sandwich that sometimes borders on being in the same conversation as Blimpies. Tony Romo is the brisket stuffed baked potato; the reason is because The Informer wants to tell the world about the brisket stuffed baked potato from a restaurant in the city of Houston called Rudy’s. This delicious meal consists of a baked potato the size of a human head that is stuffed with bbq brisket, butter, cheese and sour cream. It is quite possibly the greatest “non-Blimpies” food The Informer has ever eaten. Carson Palmer is an oldie, but a goody, just like KFC. RG3-13 is McDonald’s French fries; because even though everyone says they are the worst thing for you, people still can’t stop eating them. Kind of like how Washington knows RG3-13 is not their answer at QB, yet they keep throwing him out there to start. Since Derek Carr plays in the Bay area, The Informer feels like this is the perfect time to use Hardees' Frisco Burger. This is also the perfect time to ask: Does Hardees still make the Frisco Burger? For that matter, does Hardees still exist? Joe Flacco is Sushi; because when he is cooked properly he is great. Eli Manning is a “cheesy” from Amigos . . . Plain and dull, but always delivers in the clutch. Philip Rivers is a gunslinger, which means he needs to have a food that represents his “I don’t give a **** gunslinger attitude. That is why The Informer is giving Rivers the spicy chicken sandwich from Chick-Fil-A because it is a sandwich that gives absolutely zero *****. Andy Dalton is Wendy’s Baconator; because if Wendy ever quite her job Mr. Dalton could easily become the new mascot.
Alex Smith is a plain hamburger from McDonalds; because he is boring. Blake Bortles is a plain hamburger from Burger King; because, like Smith, he is boring, but not quite as good. Cam Newton is a Dominos Bread bowl; because they have everything a fat person wants in fast food. Seriously, if you have not had one, stop reading this and go order one right now. They are phenomenal. Geno Smith is a milk shake from Sonic; because he has a broken jaw and can probably only eat foods through a straw. Matthew Stafford is the bacon, cheddar, ranch from Blimpies; because he has the potential to be the best thing ever, but just has not reached that level yet. “Bills QB The Cannon” – Every single Bills QB for the rest of The Informer's life will be known as “The Cannon”. That is a fact. And every single one of them should be compared to a Taco Bell soft taco; because they are cheap, and you are not really sure if they are a real food. Ben Roethlisberger is the Big Mac of fast food QBs; because he can be controversial (just like when that guy left out the McDonalds for 4 years and nothing changed because there are so many chemicals on it), but at the end of the day if you are looking for one of the best meals for your buck --you can’t go wrong with the Big Mac. Mr. John Football is a Hooter’s chicken wing; because just like eating at Hooters, the atmosphere and eye candy (aka the Manziel drama and swagger) are always entertaining, but the actual product on the field, or the wings themselves, always leave you dissatisfied. Drew Brees is Chinese chicken fried rice; because like the meal, he is one of the best ever. Ryan Tannehill, aka “RT1”, is the Chipotle steak burrito. Sure, he is relatively new to the world, but just like a stacked burrito from Chipotle; he contains all the ingredients (skills) to one day take over the NFL. Tom Brady is the Casey’s taco pizza; because whenever The Informer decides to “cheat” on his diet it is always with a piece of Casey’s taco pizza (You see what The Informer did there?) Tim Tebow is most definitely one of those “Wafers” that Churches use for communion. Obviously, this is because of the fact that Tebow and Jesus share a father. Peyton Manning is the Blimpie Best on wheat bread; because he is still one of the greatest ever, but not quite on the level of the next two sandwiches, err quarterbacks. Aaron Rodgers is obviously the Blimpie Best on white bread; because he is the best. And of course, Andrew Luck would be the Blimpie Best on white bread with bacon and extra mayo; because he is the only thing better than the best. Q: How come in sports when the tenth place team beats the first ranked team they don't become number one? -- Jim, St. Louis Using logic in sports? That seems a little far-fetched. Besides, if we gave up the ability to pick and choose the best teams while completely ignoring things like head to head matchups: How would the National Media get to rank all the SEC teams in the Top 10 each and every week? Q: Will the Eagles ever win a Championship under Chip Kelly? -- Aaron, Omaha, Nebraska Aaron in Omaha, please don’t ever forgot that all things are possible if you BOLIEVE in Timothy H. Tebow. Q: Did you see Tiger was playing good golf again this weekend? Who do you think he started having carnal relations with this time to help him play better golf? -- Quentin, Iowa Whichever Denny’s waitress he found, I hope he keeps her and then starts cheating on her with an IHOP waitress; because The Informer is sick and tired of Tiger not being Tiger anymore. Q: What should my expectations be for the 49ers this season? After losing one of the best coaches in the NFL -- and a guy who led them to three of the last four NFC Title game -- and losing half their team to "Barry Sanders" like early retirement: Is there any reason for me to think this will not be a rebuilding year? Should I just forgo the season and start watching Premier League soccer? -- Stortenbecker, Treynor, IA The best thing you have going for you right now is the fact that the 49ers are starting to look like the “nobody believes in us” team of 2015.
Seriously, have you read one article, or listened to one podcast, where someone actually picked the 49ers to be better than below average? Sure, San Fran lost a ton of talent, but they still have a quality roster, a defense that should be better than most, and they have made three of the last four NFC Title Games.
With that said, the losses are not good. Especially losing one of the best coaches in the NFL. But there is some sliver of hope.
You can hope that Seattle takes a step back thanks to the Super Bowl hangover (doubtful, but you never know); and for the Rams to trade for a mediocre unproven quarterback while also drafting a running back who can't play because of a torn ACL; and finally you have to hope the Cardinals lose some of the Bruce Airians' magic they had all of last season (could happen).
If all of that happens, then that at least leaves the chance San Fran could be atop of the AFC West when the 2015 NFL Season ends. Q: Are the San Antonio Spurs the best NBA dynasty of the past 30 years? -- Brad, Des Moines, Iowa So our choices are the 1980s Celtics, 80s Lakers, 90s Bulls, 00 Lakers and the Spurs? Man, it is pretty hard to argue with the 18-year stretch the San Antonio Spurs have just completed, but at gun point The Informer is going with the 90s Bulls because of Jordan and the fact that they won the most titles. Q: How non-gangsta is it to have a Hollywood movie about your favorite rap group? Seriously though, are you going to see Straigth Outta Compton? -- Eric, Elkton, Maryland Is Randy Moss the greatest wide receiver to ever walk the Earth? Does Blimpies make the greatest sandwich in the history of bread? Is The Informer grossly overweight? Is Natty Light the Boxed wine of beers? Is Tim Tebow Jesus’ brother? Is Tupac the greatest rapper to ever live? Are the Patriots Cheaters? Is Vin Diesel the greatest American Actor alive today? Is Jason Statham the greatest non-American actor alive today? Do I love Adam Sandler movies? Should ARod win the 2015 AL MVP Award? Do the Seattle Seahawks love HGH? In other words; HELL YES!!! The Informer is going to see Straight Outta Compton.
Honestly, The Informer has not been this excited to see a movie since the end of Fast Six when we found out Statham was going to be the hero bad guy in Fast Seven. Q: Admit it Informer, the 2001 Miami Hurricanes are the greatest college football team of all-time. Yes I said it. They are better than the 1995 Huskers hands down. In the words of Matt Damon from that one movie, "How do you like dem apples?"
-- BA, Ames, Iowa
Oh man, this seems like it needs to be its own article. Is that okay if we put this question on the shelf for a week so The Informer can do some research?
Oh . . . And all of the people at ESPN reading this right now (you know who you are), please don’t steal my idea. Just give me seven days and The Informer will have the proper answer to this question. Thanks.
Q: How long will it be before Chip Kelly is singing this song at a karaoke bar while wearing a Hawaiian shirt and smoking Misty 100s?
-- @LeaveIt2Divac
The Informer would pay to watch a drunk Chip Kelly singing this song.
Q: Who is Nebraska's biggest rival in the Big 10? -- Craig, Columbus, Nebraska
Considering the Huskers will be facing Ohio State for the Big 10 Title and the chance to play in the 2015 NCAA Playoffs; The Informer would have to say Ohio State. Q: Informer, every time I go out and drink I am hung over for the next two days. It sucks. What is the reason to actually keep doing this to myself? Seriously, why would I ever want to get drink again?
-- James, Iowa You know James in Iowa, if you would just wake up the very next morning and start hitting the sauce again you would never feel sick. It is called hair of the dog. Just stay “sorority girl wasted” at all times and you will never have to ask this question again.
Q: How do songs like Silento's Watch Me, end up as hits? Is it our fault as a society that we keep letting talentless people succeed?
-- @thomasmoore27 The Informer is probably the wrong person to ask considering this is currently his favorite song . . .
And this was his favorite song before that . . .
And of course, never forget about this . . .
Q: My fiancé won't watch movies with me unless it’s some junk she wants to watch. What are your Top 10 chick flicks that I could recommend? -- Andrew, Iowa City, Iowa
Andrew you were right to come to The Informer for help in this matter. If there is one thing The Informer knows, it is chick flicks. So here goes . . .
10. The Proposal
A chick flick can never go wrong with Ryan Reynolds or Sandra Bullock staring in it. Never forget that.
9. She’s All That Freddie Prince Jr. as a high school jock who is trying to turn the unpopular girl into home coming queen? Where does The Informer sign up?
8. Just Friends
Again, you had The Informer at “Ryan Reynolds in a chick flick.”
7. Legally Blonde
Legally Blonde is actually one of The Informer’s favorite movies ever. That is not a lie. I literally watch it once a week #YouDon’tEvenKnowWhatTheHellYouAreTalkingAbout #IObject #RulesOfAmmoniumThioglycolate.
6. 10 Things I Hate About You
Remember that guy who played the Joker in the second Batman and then died before the movie came out? Well, in 10 Things I Hate About You he plays an Australian high school student who gets paid to take out the loser chick, but then falls in love with said loser chick and has to prove that it is not a part of the bet. Oh yes . . . It is as good as it sounds. Plus, to make it even better, they play a Notorious Big song while a drunk Julia Stiles dances on a table.
5. Guess Who
Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac in a chick flick? Sold.
4. Sweet Home Alabama
Reese Witherspoon is the perfect actress you want leading your chick flicks. Also, just like Legally Blonde, this is one of The Informer’s all-time favorite movies.
3. Hitch
Come on, it has Will Smith in it. Of course it is worth the watch.
2. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Matthew McConaughey doing Matthew McConaughey things? Does The Informer really need to say any more? 1. Armageddon This is not so much a chick flick, as it is a documentary, but at the end of the day if you and your significant other are not crying into each other’s arms while Harry Stamper is saving the world and saying goodbye to Gracey; then there is nothing The Informer can do to help because obviously neither of you have souls.
Q: Informer please tell me you are going to find a more creative way to end this mailbag than having someone ask a perverted sex question to which you copy Bill Simmons and say “Yup these are my readers.” You are so predictable. It is no wonder that you are a pathetic loser. Face it, you will never make it. And no one famous is ever going to know your name. YOU SUCK!!!
John, Bellevue, Nebraska
Oh yea . . . No one famous will ever know The Informer’s name? Well, why don’t we just ask someone famous then? Hey Farva, what do you think about The Informer?
