Q: Hey Informer since you went 4-12 against the spread in Week 15 (thus breaking your three week winning streak) does that mean you are actually going to write an NFL Picks article for Week 16? Or are you finally going to do what you should have done 10 years ago and just delete your account all together?
I did say once my winning streak was over that I would go back to writing full fledged NFL picks articles. And, well, since The Informer is a man of integrity, honesty and Natty Lights; I am going to keep my word despite the many, many, many, many urges to just delete my account in utter embarrassment.
So with that in mind, here is The Informer's Week 16 NFL Picks article. As always, please remember to gamble illegally, recklessly and with absolutely zero regard for human life.
Let's do this.
Washington Redskins @ Tennessee Titans (-11)
Baltimore Ravens @ San Diego Chargers (-4.5)
Here is my proof of Saturday night football picks tweet:
I got Washington +11 and Chargers -4.5 #TNF on a Saturday— The Informer (@therealinformer) December 22, 2018
Now I know going 1-1 to start the week is not great, but in reality one of my main goals at this point in the 2018 NFL season is to finish over .500 against the spread for the ninth time in the last 11 years. And going into this week in order to accomplish this goal I needed to pick 12 winners out of the next 32 games. So as you can see, despite kissing our cousin's brother on Saturday, we are one down with 11 to go from reaching one of our goals.
Pick: Washington (+11) Chargers (-4.5)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Dallas Cowboys (-7)
Tampa Bay is playing for nothing. The Dallas Cowboys are playing for the playoffs. Seems simple enough.
#FeedZekeTheChowder
Pick: Cowboys (-7)
Buffalo Bills @ New England Patriots (+13)
I am not going to bet against Tom Brady . . .I am not going to bet against Tom Brady . . .I am not going to bet against Tom Brady . . .I am not going to bet against Tom Brady . . .I am not going to bet against Tom Brady . . .I am not going to bet against Tom Brady . . .I am not going to bet against Tom Brady . . .I am not going to bet against Tom Brady . . .I am not going to bet against Tom Brady . . .I am not going to bet against Tom Brady . . .I am not going to bet against Tom Brady . . .I am not going to bet against Tom Brady . . .I am not going to bet against Tom Brady . . . . Mother of bad words I am going to bet against Tom Brady.
May Tebow have mercy on my soul.
Pick: Bills (+13)
Atlanta Falcons @ Carolina Panthers (+2.5)
Dear Santa, here is my fantasy football Week 16 Christmas wish list:
- Matt Ryan to have at least 400 yards and 5 touchdowns.
- Andrew Luck to have at least 400 yards and 5 touchdowns.
- Eric Ebron 100+ yards and multiple touchdowns.
- Great defense by the Colts, Donkeys and Browns.
- To win at least 6 of my 10 fantasy football money leagues.
I know I am asking a lot, but I swear I have been really good this year -- being nice to people, handing out free NFL picks, only drinking Natties on days that end in Y, etc -- and totally deserve to be on the nice list. So thanks in advance for granting my wishes.
Sincerely, The Informer.
Pick: Falcons (-2.5)
New York Giants @ Indianapolis Colts (-10)
Can someone please explain to me how Darius Leonard -- the only guy in the NFL who leads the league in tackles -- didn't make the mother trucking Pro Bowl? I mean for f-word sakes, the dude leads the NFL by over 20 tackles (146 total) despite missing an entire game. Seriously NFL Pro Bowl voters, you need to go home because you are drunk as "F" and obviously smoke crack.
With all that said, and despite the fact that Darius Leonard is going to have 40 tackles on Sunday, I am taking the Giants and grabbing the 10 points. There is no logical reason as to why, or any data to back this pick up, but I have a hunch the Giants will be able to back door cover so I must grab the points.
Pick: Giants (+10)
Houston Texans @ Philadelphia Eagles (-2.5)
Minnesota Vikings @ Detroit Lions (+6.5)
Green Bay Packers @ New York Jets (+2.5)
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Miami Dolphins (-3)
Since I have nothing to say about these four games, how about instead I hand out the Blimpie Best meme of the Week?
Admit it . . . You laughed out loud while rolling on the floor.
Pick: Eagles (-2.5) Lions (+6.5) Packers (-2.5) Dolphins (-3)
Cincinnati Bengals @ Cleveland Browns (-10)
I am not saying that Baker Mayfield should win the Rookie of the Year award -- or that he is the second coming of Tim Tebow (aka the savior) -- but if I were to say those things my reasoning would be simple: Baker Mayfield has the Cleveland Browns as a double digit favorite in an actual NFL game. Pleas read that last sentence again . . . The Cleveland freaking Browns are a double digit favorite in an actual NFL game in the year 2018.
Which brings me to my next point: In the year 2018 the Cleveland Browns should not ever -- not even if there is a fire -- be a double digit favorite over another NFL team. Listen, I love Baker as much as the next man, but these are still the Browns. So until further notice, we are always going to bet against them when they are giving 10 or more points.
Pick: Bengals (+10)
Los Angeles Rams @ Arizona Cardinals (+14.5)
Larry Fitzgerald is a double-digit home underdog, against a banged up Rams team who may not have Todd Gurley, in a game that could end up being the last one he ever plays at home in Arizona? Call me drunk, but that seems like the perfect recipe for a guy to bet all his money on the Josh Rosen led Arizona Cardinals in Week 15.
Pick: Cardinals (+14.5)
Chicago Bears @ San Francisco 49ers (+4.5)
You know the old saying: "Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you, fool me three times and that means I am just a moron?"
Well . . . Denver, Seattle and now Chicago.
I don't know what to say. I guess I am just a glutton for losing bets because Nick Mullens and George Kittle (Is it George? Gregg? Mike?) were possessed by the San Francisco ghost's of Joe Montana and Brent Jones.
Pick: Bears (-4.5)
Pittsburgh Steelers @ New Orleans Saints (-6)
If the Steelers lose this game, the Ravens beat the Browns, and the Colts beat the Giants and the Titans the next two weeks; then that means Andrew Luck and his laser rocket side arm will be in the playoffs for the first time in three years. So naturally I must do everything in my power to make that happen. Which of course means I must max bet the Steelers, pick them in my Super Picks contest and make them The Informer's Lion King Lock of the Week.
Pick: LKLOTW Steelers (+6)
Kansas City Chiefs @ Seattle HGHawks (+2.5)
Here is a new rule The Informer just made up:
I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime . . . I will not bet against Patrick Mahomes in Primetime!
Pick: Chiefs (-2.5)
Denver Donkeys @ Oakland Raiders (+2.5)
Hey Santa, are you going to skip your Christmas Eve duties to watch this absolute dumpster fire the NFL is trying to pass off as the last Monday Night Football game of the 2018 NFL Season?
Pick: Donkeys (-2.5)
Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. And I wish you all nothing but peace, joy, happiness and winning NFL bets this weekend. Good Luck, be safe and drink Natties.
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